Marina of the Sea

[marinaofthesea]

Dear Chono, from Six

Oh, Chono. Wondrous, impossible Chono. You were always the best of us, the noblest. You could make people believe, truly, when you spoke. Something changed in their eyes, afterwards. A new light. Some said the gods themselves spoke through you. Perhaps, though, your power came from a far closer source. 

I always felt that it was you that they ended up believing in. That your very presence was enough for them to trust in something greater than themselves. You made it all look so easy, though I know it was anything but. You never wanted to be worshiped, you were only ever just yourself. That was enough. That was so much more than enough. 

People search for fixed points in the world. I know I always did. That was something of what you offered, someone who was good, and true to themselves, and unbowed by the tides of the stars. Someone who would not bend to all the pressures, who stood tall against everything. Not some god at a far remove, but a person, like them. Who could understand, and would do the right thing.

It was an illusion, of course. Yet it was so easy to believe, because I wanted it to be true. I needed someone good, to make this all worth it. To be someone who could deserve the world, and inspire that in others. I didn’t want you to be human. You were to be my saviour, I fear. Someone who I could give the authority to judge me, and one day tell me that I was forgiven. That I had done right - that I too, was good.

So, in the name of the gods, Chono - why, oh why did you have to love Esek Nightfoot?

She was a wound in the world. You knew that, right? A force of nature that came and destroyed. She dropped down from the heavens to ruin my life on a whim. How could you love her? She was evil. She had to have been evil. You don't understand Chono, you can’t love her. There could never be anything worthwhile in Esek. 

Because…because if there was something there, if she was human after all. If she was a person capable of great evil, yes, but also possessing a heart - if she was anything other than a monster….

Then what am I? 

I have consecrated myself to her destruction. I have unmade myself to be her undoing. I have hunted her across the stars, to take apart every moment of her life and legacy. I will strike her name from the books of history, so that her memory will be nothing more than ash and ruin. 

She cannot be human. What I have done, requires a monster to be fought. If I am ever to be forgiven, then Esek’s destruction must have required this. There cannot be any other way, because if there was any alternative, then have destroyed myself for nothing. 

People need their fixed points. Esek was an impossible monster, so it was right and just for me to do anything needed to take her down. You, Chono, are good, so you can judge this. Please do not love her. Please do not care for her. You cannot be human either. We must all become something else, in order for the world to make sense.

Please, make the world make sense, Chono, I beg you. 

I know the truth, of course.

None of this was fate. 

I have defined myself by Esek.

Whatever she is, I can be her opposite, a perfect reaction to cancel her out. 

I loved her too, of course. How could I not?

She offered the same thing that followers see in you, Chono. A platonic form of a self, an ideal that a life could revolve around.

In my own way, I worshipped her. Every trap, an act of devotion. Every scheme an altar upon which I could prove myself worthy of her. I hated her, and I loved her. I killed her, and I became her. She was the focus of my whole life.

Who am I without her? 

She made me her disciple, in truth, even if it was never admitted. I thought I could make myself perfect, deserving. 

I wonder at which point I stopped being myself. When the Esek inside me had fully grown, and had become so familiar I could no longer see any part of myself that wasn’t utterly entwined. It was long before any physical changes, I think. She claimed dominion over my mind before I even knew who I was. Esek was a fixed point, so I made myself into the same - the only way to challenge her, to undo her. 

I do not think I succeeded. I killed her, but I did not stop her. I cannot ever escape her. I see her in every mirror, in every moment of agony, in every injustice in these worlds.

Yet in some ways, I made her into that monster. I needed one to fight, so I created one. All her worst crimes were borne from my own actions. I will not blame myself for these, but I cannot deny my own role. She may have accepted her part enthusiastically, but I cannot truly say that this was not what I wanted.

There was a terrible part of me that rejoiced with every act of cruelty she performed. That secret thrill that she was worth it. The worse she became, the more noble I would be for destroying her. 

Chono, please, I want you to judge me. To weigh up my life in your hands, and see if I was right.

I did not want you to be corruptible, to be someone who could love Esek. I did not want us to be three people whose lives were bound together by chance and misfortune. We had to be something more.

I want you to tell me I did good. That Esek was a nightmare, and I saved everyone by stopping her. That whatever I did to myself and others was a noble and worthy cost for the heroic deeds I performed.

I want you to tell me I am a monster. I want you to know Esek, to see her as she was, and see that evil in me too. That callousness, that disregard for life that I cultivated to match hers. I want you to discard me, to condemn me. 

What I cannot bear, is for you to see me as I am. To see the person that still hides beneath, the kin-school student who was beaten and told that it was because I was extraordinary. The person that longed for a community that was torn away, that desperately wanted to prove they were more than just the bloodline of a monster. The person that loved you, Chono, without hope of salvation or promise of worship. 

I am terrified of being a person.

I hope, one day, that this fear will fade. Oh, it can never truly go away, but I still dream of the time when I could just be Six. Esek will always be with us, but Esek the person, not the monster. For she was no different than us, in the end. 

It seems impossible, and yet…

I am here. I am alive. I will try.

One day we may yet breathe free.