ive been on suicide watch the past couple weeks, its been rough. whenever I'm alone, a terrible feeling immediately starts to consume me, I sink into a deep dark depression thing, i don't really know what it is, it's very intense, almost unbearable. I told one person about it, actually three, one of them got it, a close friend, he could relate, that helped a lot, it helped being able to tell someone else that get it, especially cuz the other 2 don't. the intensity of the feeling and the tension in my body, in my gut, just makes me want to get out of it somehow, which I do, I do tons of things to keep myself distracted from it, rather than sit with it and let it overtake me. It's wierd, if you talked to people that I've interacted with recently, many of them might say that I'm doing okay, good even, alive, present, engaging, which is true, I have been that.. around people. But underneath, this shit brews, and as soon as i leave those social situations, it's smacking me in the face. And now, it really feels like there's no escape.
I don't know why I'm writing this, to the world, to the tumblr void, but I do know it helps to speak it, to share it, it takes the load off it, it releases some of the pressure, cuz man, its been a fuckin lot..