M

the real stuff

[mariowithmercy]

depression photo dump of the old me @tonethestranger because I was just thinking about him..

jesus fuck i was in such a bad place, i looked like shit, i felt like shit, it was really bad. Depression, lost.. so fucking lost, oh my god i was so lost, well i still am but not like that, existential crisis shit, what's the point of anything type shit, what's the point of being alive type shit, fuck.. 😪

I didn't take any pics during that time and i didnt let people take pics of me either, i was terribly camera shy, i didnt want anyone to see me or know about me, i was hiding, so these are rare, they were caught off guard without my permission, it was in the moment, really in the moment of that shit, really going through it, fuck, damn, it was a lot..

[mariowithmercy]

[mariowithmercy]

[mariowithmercy]

[mariowithmercy]

I feel like I use social media because I don’t really have friends. Things come up and I feel like I have to tell someone but then.. I don’t have someone to tell, so I turn to social media. I’d rather have friends tbh, but for whatever reason, that’s been severely challenging for me.

[mariowithmercy]

This carrot lowkey looks like my cock

[mariowithmercy]

Felt cute after throwing up feelings I couldn’t feel, might delete later

Sometimes I feel intense emotions that come up but I have trouble expressing it, like this time I really needed to cry but I wasn’t able to do it, so it got stuck inside, then about a day later I threw up. It was like my body had to get it out somehow.

[mariowithmercy]

my alter ego Mila Womb dropped some shit on my substack for the first time

https://open.substack.com/pub/mariowiley/p/yeehaw-4e6?r=3pymqi&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

[mariowithmercy]

I think I've just realized that I overshare on social media because I don't get the intimacy I need in my personal life

[mariowithmercy]

i made a film

[mariowithmercy]

[mariowithmercy]

[mariowithmercy]

[mariowithmercy]

felt cute, might delete later..

[mariowithmercy]

[mariowithmercy]

“Blue”

[mariowithmercy]

So Conflicted!! Job v Music

Goddamnit!! I’m so… AGHHHHHH! I’m so… ANGRY… I’m so……… conflicted..

I want to take this voice class that starts in a hour and I want to take this other music class and I want to do this other thing..

BUT I NEED A JOB… well, I NEED money, to fucking live and survive and pay for shit: Parking, a headlight, therapy. basic needs!

But part of me wants to say  “fuck it! fuck the money! fuck the job! Just do music! That’s it! Until something happens!…” but like.. I need fuckin money to get my shit mixed! I need money to pay people! to help make the fuckin beats! I keep hitting walls! I keep getting stuck in the weeds! Stuck in the trenches! Fighting to do things that would take someone else 5 minutes! I need help!! I’m stuckk! So many projects left unfinished! And like 2 or 3 in particular that I started with a producer but I don’t have any money for another session to keep em going! I left those fuckin So many songs left hanging! They need me! They’re fuckin crying! Abandoned! Rotting in the middle of the desert in the hot sun, begging me to come back to them! I just left them there. I had to! i ran out of money! Fuck! I’m so conflicted! 

Part of me is ready to live in my car and drive around LA in hopes of magic. Part of me is ready to leave it all behind and busk! I’ve seen people like that! Like this one guy Boots in Boulder. Living on the road. Living his best life. Free. Truly Free! With nothing but a backpack and his dog, and a guitar. Serenading the world with his hillbilly music. in tune. in touch. Present. “I could be that” this part says, “I can be like Boots”, “I don’t need none of this shit! Cars. Clothes. Etc”. 

..And like I meet so many talented ass musicians and producers and so many of them don’t even make shit because they’re “too tired” after work and they don’t have time and its “the last thing they want to dot”. I don’t want to be like that! I don’t want to give my precious time and energy away to some fuckin company that doesn’t give a shit about me and my dreams.

But like still, I feel like I need a damn job. I don’t really know why. Maybe to stay grounded, in reality. I guess I’ve been doing the “struggling artist” thing living at home (which I hate that term by the way, there’s nothing wrong with choosing art over the comforts of modern society. Fuck the comforts! It’s a load of shit! It’s surface level pleasure! It’s a trap even! Comfortable enough to ignore what’s really nagging at you deep down. A distraction.).

But i also know music is marketing. At least if you want to make a career out of it. You have to play the game in some way, I think. Great music doesn’t sell itself, not anymore at-least. Too much noise and gatekeepers in the world now. And the game costs money to play.