Climbing Mountains: A Journey Through Faith, Doubt, and Transformation
The Beginning: A Legacy of Faith
Today marks the 39th anniversary of my Papaw Wills's passing—a pivotal moment in my life that set me on a profound spiritual journey. As I reflect on this path, the words of U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" resonate deeply, capturing the essence of my quest for faith and understanding. My journey of faith began with the profound influence of my grandfather, whose life was a testament to the miraculous. In the early 1940s, he was healed of tuberculosis, a divine intervention that set him on a spiritual path to founding First Pentecostal Holiness Church in Greeneville, TN. This church became my spiritual home for the first 18 years of my life. His death, however, was spiritually traumatic for me and marked my first encounter with theodicy. I struggled to understand why God, who had once healed him, did not answer my prayers this time. These questions about faith and divine will haunted me as I grieved, setting the stage for my lifelong spiritual quest.
During my college years at Tennessee Tech, I found myself drawn to an Assembly of God church where faith preachers spoke of claiming realities through prayer. Their teachings ignited a desire in me to test my faith's strength. One night, I drove back to my dorm from church without my glasses, hoping for a miraculous healing of my nearsightedness. When nothing changed, I began to question the adequacy of my faith and felt compelled to strengthen it by pursuing ministry. When I shared my desire to leave TTU and transfer to a Bible College, I assumed my mother would support this decision due to her strong Christian faith. To my surprise, she disapproved initially, adding another layer of confusion to my journey. It felt like a test—a challenge to my convictions. After weeks of prayer and reflection, I realized that her disapproval was intentional; she wanted to ensure that my decision was deeply rooted in conviction rather than impulse. Standing firm in my decision despite her initial opposition became a defining moment in my journey. It taught me perseverance and the importance of following one's true calling. Grateful for her wisdom, I enrolled at an Assemblies of God Bible College in Lakeland, Florida. However, after one semester, I felt out of place among peers who seemed less serious about their faith than I had anticipated. This led me to transfer to a small conservative Pentecostal Holiness school in Greenville, South Carolina—a community where I initially felt more at home. Here, I encountered new theological perspectives through friendships with students who held different beliefs. These interactions challenged my understanding and opened my eyes to the broader landscape of Christian thought. As I navigated these diverse viewpoints, I began to see how limiting my previous environment had been and embraced the opportunity for growth and exploration.
Encountering New Perspectives
While studying at Holmes Bible College, a conservative Pentecostal Holiness school in Greenville, South Carolina, I met a Covenantal Reformed Presbyterian student who became a close friend. Our discussions opened up new theological vistas for me and challenged many of my previously held beliefs. Through our conversations, I began questioning the apocalyptic worldview that had shaped much of my spiritual upbringing and started exploring different millennial schools of thought.This period was transformative as it marked the beginning of a more open-minded approach to Christianity. My friendship with this student allowed me to see beyond the confines of a single denominational perspective and consider broader interpretations of scripture and theology. After a year and a half at Holmes, I felt the need to return to Florida and finish my degree at the Bible College I had abandoned.
Transformation Through Connection
After transferring back to Southeastern University to complete my degree, I encountered Dr. Rickey Cotton in an Advanced Writing class. Initially, our interactions were contentious; he challenged many of my conservative beliefs and pushed every fundamental button within me. However, after a particularly heated exchange in class, Dr. Cotton extended an olive branch by inviting me for pizza and music at my dorm.That evening marked a turning point in my spiritual journey. As we shared our personal stories over pizza and music—his Bob Dylan records and my Dwight Yoakam CDs—I learned about his family's struggles with his daughter's severe autism diagnosis. This revelation helped me see Dr. Cotton not as an adversary but as someone with his own struggles and questions about faith. This encounter taught me the power of empathy and communication. It showed me that those with whom I disagreed could also carry deep pain and grapple with their own theodicy issues. This realization marked a significant shift in how I approached discussions about faith—emphasizing listening over judgment.
After graduating from Southeastern, I found myself at a crossroads. Despite my theological education, I was still unsure of my beliefs and didn't immediately enter ministry. Instead, I partnered with a high school friend to start a small computer business in our hometown. This entrepreneurial venture allowed me time to explore various churches, each visit a step in my ongoing spiritual search. Yet, I felt an elusive void, a sense that I still hadn't found what I was looking for. It was during this period that I met Jana at Mt. Pleasant United Methodist Church. As I began attending her church, initially driven by ulterior motives, I was welcomed with genuine warmth and inclusion. This community reignited the calling to ministry within me, prompting me to consider the United Methodist Church as a potential path. In 2000, I became a local pastor with the UMC. Initially, everything seemed perfect—life felt complete, and I believed I had found my spiritual home. However, over time, old doubts resurfaced. I began to question my beliefs once more and felt adrift, as if lost at sea. Jana suggested reaching out to Dr. Rickey Cotton for guidance. When I called Rickey, he listened without judgment and offered no quick fixes. Instead, he recommended reading St. John of the Cross's "Dark Night of the Soul" and invited me to attend a Centering Prayer workshop he was leading in Florida. As I read "Dark Night," it felt as though St. John was speaking directly to me. His words reassured me that others had experienced similar spiritual darkness and that hope was still possible. In Florida, Rickey introduced me to Lectio Divina during our drive from Lakeland to Niceville. We stopped at a rest area in Gainesville on a Sunday afternoon and read Philippians 2 together. The passage about Christ humbling himself and not grasping for equality with God resonated deeply with me, emphasizing the theme of letting go. At the Centering Prayer workshop in Niceville, I learned to release my need for control and embrace silence—a transformative experience that marked the beginning of contemplative spirituality in my life. This practice taught me to be still and know God, finding comfort in the "Cloud of Unknowing." It shifted my perspective from fearing not finding what I sought to embracing the journey itself. Shortly after this experience, I decided to attend Vanderbilt Divinity School for formal study, continuing my search not for definitive answers but for transformation and growth. Though I've faced bitter challenges along the way I’ve remained committed to climbing mountains and scaling city walls in pursuit of divine connection and vibrant conversations with fellow summit seekers! Through it all, I'm reminded that the journey itself is where meaning is found: "I have climbed highest mountains... only to be with You." My prayer is that I never find what I'm looking for, and that I never stop looking for it.
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