In My Head turned 13 today! I got a reminder of this in my email today. I forgot all about this blogish blog. Maybe I'll write here sometimes.
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"

#extradirty
h

PR's Tumblrdome
d e v o n
sheepfilms
todays bird

No title available
Game of Thrones Daily
NASA
Not today Justin

No title available

祝日 / Permanent Vacation

Love Begins
will byers stan first human second

Janaina Medeiros
Stranger Things
dirt enthusiast

Kaledo Art
TVSTRANGERTHINGS

seen from Netherlands

seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Canada

seen from Netherlands

seen from France
seen from Finland

seen from Italy

seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Latvia
seen from United States

seen from Russia
@marmee413
In My Head turned 13 today! I got a reminder of this in my email today. I forgot all about this blogish blog. Maybe I'll write here sometimes.
Cancer Free
An update after my last post. As of May 9, 2023, I am "NED" or no evidence of disease. My last immunotherapy infustion was December 2023, and In late February, my head seemed to have lost that gray and cloudy haze that distorted my thinking. I felt so good and content and happy for 2 months! It was bliss!
Another minute and today's my Birthday
Yesterday I ranted about the school district. Today, I’m sad. I surveyed the students in my classes this morning, and only 5% of them found any -ANY-value in high school.
I’m sitting in a class where it’s obvious the teacher cares, who assigns assignments to encourage students to think about their subject matter. Seniors care a little, Juniors, too. Freshmen? They see high school as a complete waste of time. Maybe that’s just because they are, well, freshmen.
There are so many confounding variables.
________________________________________
Just finished Fahrenheit 451, by Ray Bradbury.
What a read. I read it before. I was young and couldn’t completely comprehend the depth of his words. I know it impacted me, though. I read everything I could get my eyes on.
After finishing the book today, I became despondent. Have I done enough to be remembered? Have I become one of the people of the city who only wanted fun and to laugh (not bad things to want), live as shallowly as the people around me, only concerned with hair and appearances as well as nail polish, and the car they drive? Have I lost my depth of thought?
Am I a calamity howler? Do I still think too much?
I’m sickened that I don’t remember things. Events, thoughts, things I’ve read that I thought were important to know. I’m ashamed I don’t have a bucket of knowledge to ladle from in order to help others, especially my children, have a wise and good life.
I’ve lost the quote that shot me. A man’s grandfather died. He lamented not the loss of his grandfather the person so much, but the man’s things he did. “...he was a sculptor. He was also a very kind man who had a lot of love to give the world…made toys, did a million things in his lifetime, he was always busy with his hands. …when he died…he would never carve another piece of wood, or help us raise doves and pigeons in the backyard, or play the violin, or tell us jokes the way he did. …when he died…there was no one to do [the things] just the way he did.”
The grandson went on to say how his grandfather was important; “The world was bankrupt of ten million fine actions the night he passed on.”
The grandfather had said “Everyone must leave something behind when he dies. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched in some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die/ And when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you're there.”
It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as your work changes it into something different from what it was before you touched it. [paraphrased} It has to be something you have touched.
“Stuff your eyes with wonder. Live as if you’d drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It’s more fantastic than any dream made of paid for in factories. Ask no guarantees, ask for no security, there never was such an animal and if there were, it would be related to the great sloth which hangs upside down in a tree all day every day, sleeping life away. To hell with that, shake the tree and knock the great sloth down on his ass.”
After reading this, I felt a total failure. It hit me so hard, I believe it is the basis for my continuing depression. What have I done for anyone? Do I have a legacy? I can’t find a positive slant to give this feeling. And it has to come from within. My friends can’t say, “Well, you’re good for [blah blah blah].
In my shallow head, I thought maybe I just wasn’t getting enough sleep. But I have, and I’ve been drinking enough water. These are two of my triggers, dehydration and lack of sleep.
Not sure what I will do with myself.
It's Been a Minute
Wow, nearly a year since I posted anything. I hope I haven't lost my three readers.
2022 was a year, wasn't it. Is COVID 19 gone? Is is here and stronger than ever? Seems as if we are on the Carousel of Life (Thank you Joni Mitchell).
My personal journey, lots of money problems and yet we made it through the year. First time I ever met my Out Of Pocket Insuance expenses. November and December were nice not having to pay anything for health care services.
Anyway- from April through at least June I was hardly here. Admitted to a hospital close to my house after the headache thing, then no ability to eat or drink anything (not even vodka!) My abilities to walk just gradually went away by April and a 2nd visit to the ER.
The hospital where the parameds delivered me, from what my oldest tells me because I don't remember details of that visit at all, didn't want to admit me. They convinced the medical staff of my symptoms and that I was losing consciousness more and more and staff finally acquiesced to admitting me. r
After five days of trying to get me to eat and drink, hospital said, she's got to go to a SNF unit (Skilled Nursing Facility). I was no better, I think due to the hospital's negligence-another story-but there I went, to the old folk's home, the place where people go to die, nearly the most humiliating experience of my life.
It was from there, I had a neurosurgeon appointment. The SNF unit's driver, I think his name was Benny the Taxi, got me there, in a most unnerving process.
I tried to talk to the neurosurgeon, attempting to express my symptoms, couldn't think of the titles of some of my specialists, and I must have looked terrible. He said, "it looks to me like you need to be in a real hospital." Nearly crying, I responded with a pitiful, "Yes please!"
Once I was almost immediately admitted to the "real" hospital, so many things happened. I vaguely being taken to tests, many tests, and when in bed, so many blood tests, so many meds. I was pleasantly surprised that staff seemed to really care what happened to me.
Stay tuned...
More venting
So I feel as if I might have cancer after all. Side effects from immunotherapy. Got my 3rd infusion last Wednesday, and felt fine. I expected the same side effects as the last time.
I worked Thursday and the headache I've had for three weeks got really very incredibly bad. immobilizing even. After some discussion with my oldest, a friend, and an on-call nurse from my insurance, we decided I needed to call 911 and go to ER, if for nothing else, to make sure it's not a stroke.
No stroke, a CTscan revealed no brain metastases, a bunch of blood tests, some new meds to take, and rather quicker than I expected, I was home. ER doc indicated it is probably a reaction to the immunotherapy. The headache had subsided a little; at least I could get my jammies on and get into my own bed. I was able to work Friday, then by Friday evening my headache returned with vengeance and now, added nausea. My body was definitely rebelling against me.
Saturday, was awful. It was now the worst headache I've ever had in my life. So bad, I could not read the prescriptions on the medicine containers. I threw up. Called my oldest. They came over, gave me the right medicine, fresh water, crackers and toast. It was so comforting to have them help me so sweetly. Oh, but i was down.
Slept for the rest of the weekend. Got up this morning (Monday) and felt much better, thinking i could work today. Halfway through the day, I felt that kind of shaky fatigue that makes you think you can't function. My youngest calls it "dizzy tired." Odd, since I spent the entire weekend in bed, alone, mostly sleeping.
One more infusion to go. Ugh.
ER last night. Massive migraine headache. Worse than I've had in 35 years. No stroke, CT scan done, no metastases in my brain (they did find a brain, by the way, lol)
Doc said it might be a direct side effect of my immunotherapy Wednesday. So, I'll call the oncologist (who I spoke with Tuesday before it got really very bad)
Got there at around 7:30 and was home by 10. Good meds helped but didn't completely get rid of the pain.
This am, it was back, but a little different, shower Exedrin & coffee and made it to work.
Cross your fingers I make it through the day. 😊🙂
So I answered a Q & A. The contents resulted in a pretty good synopsis of my health during the past few years., so I'm adding it here.
I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes about 8 years ago. I immediately lost about 20 lbs and my blood glucose did go down. I resented being diagnosed just days before Halloween (as I looked forward to all that food coming in the holidays). But that first set of holidays, I persevered. I have struggled with motivation to "be good" and my resolve has often lapsed.
Now, I have been diagnosed with Stage IV malignant melanoma (which is way more than just skin cancer). Have had lesions removed from my back, a huge mass removed from my right arm, and am getting treatment for the mass in my lung. I'm getting a biopsy on a lump in my breast sometime next week, and an ultrasound on my thyroid probably at the same time.
With all that worry, my glucose levels have rollercoasted as have my emotions. However, I figure (in my more sanity-guided moments) I will let the docs deal with the cancer, and try to pay attention to the diabetes.
Most days I find myself...
After work (substitute teaching), I am fatigued so I might nap, then feed the dogs, give one of them her insulin, have some kind of dinner myself, and cloister myself to catch up on Netflix or some show. Or I try to research the cancer I have and learn about treatment therapies..
Given what I know now, I would recommend others...
Everyone's situation is different. I do recommend some self evaluation. Writing in a journal (the food I eat, the mood I'm in, events of the day that might trigger overeating, etc.) help me greatly to understand what's happening in my mind to motivate indulgence that might not be the best choice for my body.
What I could use is suggestions for ways to "treat" myself, or "reward" or "console" myself that don't involve food or money.
My life has changed in this way...
Mostly I feel nearly defeated. Sometimes I'm resentful. I was always physically active, running, skiing, tennis, biking, and swimming. Injuries forced me to stop in my 30's and 40's. I became sort of a sloth.
I've moved into a three-story home, and I do walk up and down several times each day. I know I need to do more. The first door (my front door) is the most challenging to get through when I need to exercise.
How do you decide when it's time to stop--already at work, dizziness coming on every few minutes. Have to be careful walking...looked drunk, I'm sure, walking to class from the office this morning.
Going to try to finish the day.
Anxiety Again
Gawd I am weak. I looked at the resources my cousin sent me (so wonderful, btw), for support groups, treatment centers, and updated research information, and my heart and stomach went into convulsions at having to be a cancer patient. It was like committing to a relationship (which I don't plan to ever do again). It was a kind of anxiety attack. What's with me? I'm nearly 64 and I have difficulty facing this??
Being new at this, I'm struggling with something - not meds related, it's mentally/emotionally based.
How does a person fight herself when she's convinced that everything would be better/easier if she just let's the disease take her and not go through all the insurance, physical. And emotional battles, as well as the financial cost?
It's hard to decide between my selfishness to watch my children and their lives, avoid the financial stress, and the fervent wish for them to be able to get homes (thru my life insurance) and have enough to help them achieve their goals.
I fell yesterday and felt like a huge burden - I'm not even really sick yet. It's going to get worse and will be a bigger burden. I don't want that. Then there is the question of working and earning the almighty dollar, in order to pay for everything. I'm worth more dead than alive.
Opinions?
I can't see the words on some these cute pics...
Checking in. Immunotherapy has been delayed until after 2/1. Evidently it's not a problem.
Had fun with my kids yesterday, cooked lunch and watched Dexter Together. (I have showtime for a month for 99c so we are trying to binge the session before the end of January when the price goes up.)
Anyway, today is a good day. Thank you for allowing me this vent place! I plan to share good news, too.
Best news all week! I tested negative for COVID!! I can go to work now! So happy
http://url8256.stuffthatworks.health/ls/click?upn=gFGp1EXWg-2FARu6qQg0y5Uh5aKYhl-2BA8BuLuRRGVVO-2F6zCaHtvJ-2BxZOUK1Ktl49FkfTX7_QbMSdL82boT6nSvzFUaql3uNQH7ZjHOgzUVjKc4gTy1ctAfpL4BuIk-2BZuaWpkEKaz6uu4Ec4J1Xon0zuyzH7cSrlR6IXboSg-2Bo3E5uAWWGGZPbFcLSlvDartzPNmb4CRpLhWS-2F-2FC3kzrzBAr67sGQGGh-2BEoJD07opE6K65HdIZfwRdcSjqJPnp0ZIusQggGhndzROaZFGYRAtCcNz79dnChQ5crz5OlEvtWtQ9-2FyasluZMnitJgrkNl74NuCcnBFUaLahkRk6A99Rxv5qWL0opTOcyUP-2B8jJHgxJkK7PLwy0MNWisNX-2BuLdqNjC-2FHDAnu7oaJQXXfaRh70qQRPiAd5oDPoEjVqf271wMTM9h8IuLqJUSibKe264J7GoVR-2BfRzcHMYVTC2-2BouX-2FS9ajZE3g-3D-3D
A very long url to help people better understand and get information regarding malignant melanoma
A quiet new year for us. My youngest learned she has COVID-19. She's been in bed since yesterday afternoon, nearly 20 hours now.
I woke early and as I got ready to shower, I found a lump in my right breast. After my shower it seemed to disappear. I tried to find it again about an hour later, and whoop there it is.
I don't know whether I need to talk with my oncologist or my primary care doc first.
At least it's a sunny and warm, beautiful day here today.
“I call people sometimes hoping not only that they’ll verify the fact that I’m alive but that they’ll also, however indirectly, convince me that being alive is an appropriate state for me to be in. Because sometimes I don’t think it’s such a bright idea. Is it worth the trouble it takes trying to live life so that someday you get something worthwhile out of it, instead of it almost always taking worthwhile things out of you?”
― Carrie Fisher, The Princess Diarist
First Breakdown
So, this evening, I'm contentedly watching ABC's World News Tonight with David Muir...the very last moments, he said a very nice and appreciative message to his ABC team and family. All the while Auld Lang Syne played in the backgrund. While I was moved by David Muir's acknowledgement, that song playing in the background brought me to a depressing realization.
Mind you, I've had a pretty positive perspective since my diagnosis. Being in denial helps. But this song and his message hit me and made me realize that this could possibly be my last new year, my last Christmas. I mean yes, I have a 50/50 chance of surviving this.
But that "other" 50% bothers me. I began to cry. A real cry. I don't want to die. My kids aren't quite settled into their adulthood. There are things I still want to do and see.
I kept crying. I said, out loud, "I don't want to die." Suprised myself - I haven't cried for a very long time, and not about this. I had just said to someone the other day that I was going to try to focus on my diabetes and let my oncologist worry about the cancer.
So why did it bother me so much tonight? I thought of a few things...the end of the year (always a little depressing since it forces me to realize I'm aging), not really looking to the new year hopefully (for my children, the world, etc), and then also my mortality getting closer.
I'm new at this. Maybe I'll be able to take it in stride as the path progresses. Maybe after this first little breakdown I can find my Big Girl Pants.
I felt the urge to write about it because, one or two of you are new like me and don't know what to expect. Or maybe one or two of you have gone through breaking down more than once. Us newbies could use your advice about getting through them
What did I do? I drank some water. gave my dog her insulin, went up and down the sairs a few times. Took a big breath. There may have been an edible involved. A very small one.
We're all calm now, 2 dogs, a cat and myself Watching ABC's New Year's show, and might go to bed at midnight NY time. Just another night, right?
Still Infected
2nd Immunotherapy infusion is scheduled for Jan 4, 2022. Happy New Year. Cold is gone, port is still infected, second round of antibiotics started 3 days ago. Oncologist looked at the port and said, "That looks awful." I said, smiling, "Thank you."
Friends have been brilliant. Blankets have been crocheted, kind words of encouragement, love and support. A Gofundme account was started for my benefit. Knowing I'm single, and looking at thousands of dollars of medical expenses, they graced me with a generosity I've never seen (or believed I deserved).
I've been pretty positive...again, denial has been key. As long as I don't feel the burning and itching from the infusion, I feel no pain, really. I just get tired easily. That's kind of normal for most people right now, isn't it? Until tonight.