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@marq-notes
It's kinda cool to know you, he said.
Listen
I'm really trying to tell you something here, I want to say. He hates to be told. Such a baby. So literal. Doesn't see the beauty in the dark. Doesn't see me. I want him to realize it for himself. I tell him, because I trust him with my thoughts. I'm starting to learn: not everyone can has the ability to "hold water," as my mother says. "How are you feeling?" he asks. I trust him so I tell him. I say, "I feel like I can't talk to you. I don't know what interests you when I speak; I don't know if you're really listening to me; I don't know when you're going to take my words and turn them upon me like the assassin's knife stabbing my throat to shut me up for good." He argues a few points but he's missing it entirely. I'm really trying to tell you something here, I want to say and don't. I know he hears me; he turns over, falls asleep. The body is a language and I read and reread in him the part about diffusing. What am I doing wrong?
hmmmm. that’s deep.
Nest Equals Knife
I had a vision in a dream once--of a tree. The tree doesn’t only grow tall, it also grows long. I saw myself walking along the branches like trails. When one ended or became too frail I found a new branch to follow until this branch too began to shudder under my weight. At the end of the tree is a nest. I stand over the nest. There are no eggs inside. It’s just a nest. In the dream, I then appear before the tree. I follow the same branches I saw in my vision. Take the nest, Instinct said to me; I took it. Then, I was running with the nest; this was a dream but I was running at regular speed; and there was someone chasing me. I don’t know who: a shadow, the antagonist. Then, the antagonist threw a knife at my back and I felt the blade; yes, in a dream; I felt it! And I woke up.
Self portrait with Sonny, 2016
The Gray
You said it one night: that it felt like one big surreal blur--that night that we argued; one of those nights anyway. You said it, I had thought it before. But I had the wisdom to keep my mouth shut and somehow you realized something, too. You realized, like I did, we are playing playing a game of chess and we've long forgotten whose turn it is.
The Millennial Curse
He wondered how there could be such a disconnect between two people who say "I love you," one to the other.
Guess I'd Better Go
"Cheerio," Lonnie said, to me and Grandma. "Where you goin'?!" said Grandma. "Home," said Lonnie. She was done for the day. If she had been taking care of Grandma and Grandpa all day--and she had--she sure didn't look it; her spirit was brighter and livelier as ever. You get good at keeping up appearances. "You're takin' our car--the car we just came in?" "Oh, no, not the boat!" She meant Grandpa's Ford Crown Victoria. I laughed. It was about the size of a tugboat. "My car, I'm taking my car." "Oh," Grandma said, sadly. I knew what was coming. I could feel it brewing the moment Lonnie said "Cheerio," as she walked out the front door. "Well, you could take me with you." "I'm going to my home," said Lonnie. "Can you take me to mine?" Lonnie had already gone. "I'm sorry," I said. "But Grandma, this is your home. You live here." "I live here?" "Mm-hm." I nodded. "And my husband?" "Yup." "How long?" "'Bout fifty-four years." "Fifty-four years?" "That's right." "That's a long time. I've been around a long time, I guess I'd better go."
The Weight of Shit
He saw it in a dream vision before he saw it in the dream flesh. The tree, and the nest–cradled in a palm of branches and leaves. Something told him that it was far away, that it wouldn’t be an easy journey. He knew all along he would end up in the shit; but the shit didn’t scare him anymore; he’d been there before and sometime before that and again before that. This was life. He went back to his tea.
The tree was exactly as he had seen it in the vision. It was springtime or summer and the leaves were green or a sweet breeze blew and churned the earth beneath his feet, and for a moment he believed he was going to take flight. Then, he saw the nest. He never got a look inside–to see if there were any eggs incubating; in fact, he hadn’t considered this. What would be the importance of discovering bird eggs?
The vision hadn’t showed him any eggs; they showed him a nest. The nest. Did the vision show him a bird? Was he the bird? What color were his feathers? The vision showed him none of these things. All he had was this choice to make: to go to the nest or no. If he stayed he couldn’t, of course, know what was going to happen but he knew he would always feel the nest tugging on his spirit. So he went, or he flew…
He didn’t want to believe the vision had deceived him; that it had led him to this tree and this nest, just so he could die. He moved faster than he had in any dream, or perhaps he flew.
This was not like his other dreams. And the vision that preceded this dream was merely a glimpse, a fleeting feeling of what he might have, if only he went out and claimed it. But his hands were full and he feared he would have to let everything go in order to attain it. To carry the nest.
But it was already too late. He turned back the way he came, but before he could get anywhere he saw the shadow of something or someone, and the knife coming at his back, and he thought he felt the blade. He hadn’t the sensation of feeling before in a dream. But when he reached behind him and pulled the hilt, he felt his muscles tearing.
It Takes a Village
“Excuse me,” Grandma said, not meaning to startle me. “How do you get to the street?”
She stood in the doorway halfway between the hallway and my room. Even if she did get outside, she would need the clicker to open the gate. But she’d forgotten.
“Why?” I asked.
“I need to find my mother,” Grandma said, sincerely.
“Your mother’s not here, Grandma,” I said.
“Where is she?” Her tone was of an agitated sort.
“Your mother’s no longer with us,” I said. I couldn’t bring myself to say that her mother had been dead for a long time now, since I was a baby--I think. Vaguely I remember my own mother saying I met my great-grandmother--Mama King, everyone called her--once when I was a baby. But I didn’t remember her. From the stories I heard she had been an amazing cook and everyone loved her.
“Well--” Grandma paused, her mind conjuring up something that might better explain what she was thinking. She didn’t seem to know what to say or how to form the words. “--well, the woman who acts like my mother, where's she?
Lonnie was who I assumed she meant, the woman who comes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to help. She does more than help. She provides. And not just for my grandmother, my grandfather too; though the old man’s not so quick to admit it.
It was Thursday.
“Lonnie will be here tomorrow, Grandma.” Impatience lining my voice.
“Maybe she can help me get home.”
“You are home.”
“I am?!”
“Yes.”
“I live here?”
“Yes.”
We’d been through this routine before.
She was silent, thinking. Where am I? Where is my mother? Is my name--?
“One-two-three-zero-five,” I said. The address of the house where she'd raised her children, and where she lived currently with my grandfather and me. I’d hoped these numbers would trigger something, even one faded memory. Sometimes it worked. Mostly it didn’t.
“One-two-three-zero-five, Lincoln Avenue,” I tried once more.
She didn’t seem to hear me--or she thought I was full of shit and flat-out ignored me. That wouldn’t have surprised me. She had a lot of spunk and an excellent sense of humor. My very own Sophia Petrillo. Right at home.
“My father lives here?”
“No.”
I hadn’t met my great-grandfather either. All I knew was he had come from a small village in Mexico. No one knew what village.
“My mother?”
“Just you. And your husband and your children.”
“Well, they’re all grown now.”
“Mm-hm.” I turned back to my laptop, the screen too bright. My contacts were dry. I should take them out tonight, I thought. I turned the brightness down, and when I stopped clicking the keys, I heard a great and sorrowful whimper from the doorway.
Grandma. I hoped she was okay. Because she forgot frequently Grandma had to relive bad memories again and again. I turned again toward my grandmother in the doorway; and she was already turning away. and walked back toward the dining room.
As she moved she shuffled, her feet sliding against the hardwood floor. Sherp, sherp, sherp, sherp. I counted twelve seconds, and at last she'd turned one-hundred eighty degrees, and started back toward the dining room. I watched her: so cute in her big, clumsy slippers and matching spotted wildcat pajamas.
Her hands behind her back sagaciously the way some elderly Korean people do. Her back hunched, and she rocked as she shuffle-walked away. Ever. So. Slowly. Sherp, sherp, sherp, sherp, sherp, sniffel, sherp...
And she disappeared from my sight, behind the wall.
Gray Clouds Up Above, Metaphor for My Life
It was raining, perfect weather for cuddling under the covers and watching The Goonies.
“This cold weather reminds me of the Bay,” he said, as he packed another bowl.
He offered me the first hit; I took it, blew it out the window. The smoke seeped through the microscopic holes in the screen, then disappeared into the cold, gray sky. There we lay in his bed, the sheets wrapped around our legs like warm, silky snakes.
Outside, dark clouds rolled in from whatever direction they had come.
“The sky is like a metaphor for my life, baby,” I said, “before I met you.”
I was thinking out loud–I think? Trusted he was listening, not judging. I wouldn’t have realized I’d said anything, actually, but then he said:
“Aw, baby, you’re kind of sweet.”
“In the words of Janice Ian,” I said, “I’m the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet.”
Seek to be worth knowing rather than well-known.
unknown (via birthofasupervillain)