Honest to god Chan’s last day or so messaging on Bubble has made me really sad, like... I really wanna hug him. I don’t know what he’d going through but I know I struggle the same in a lot of ways and just felt like I had to write something.
also hi, um, i don’t write much? but i wrote this in one go cause i needed to get it out of my brain
cw: vague mentions of struggle with weight, image issues (if you have seen chan’s recent bubble messages you know what i mean)
“Chan… what are you doing?”
It was one thing to find your boyfriend standing in your shared bedroom half naked.
It was another thing to find him standing in your shared bedroom half naked with what seemed to be every piece of clothing he owned scattered across the room in a way that could only be described as a tornado having ripped across the space. Your lovely boyfriend stands at his mirror, a t-shirt clenched in his hands, seemingly shocked at you peeking into the room.
Your boyfriend startles, eyes wide and jumping in surprise like a deer caught in headlights.
“Ah, nothing nothing.” Chan shakes his head, immediately moving to yank the t-shirt onto his head. “I was just… clearing out my old clothes y’know?”
Though something tells you that your boyfriend was otherwise not spring cleaning, you make your way across the mess of space, eyeing all the clothes on the floor.
As you approach him you find a shirt he had definitely bought just a little while ago scattered in the midst of half his clothes. “Spring cleaning? Really?”
As you present the new shirt to him, his shoulders drop with a sigh.
It’s not believable in the slightest.
“Okay okay, maybe I’m not spring cleaning my wardrobe.” Chan holds his hands up in defeat, sighing and refusing in the moment to meet your eyes. “I, uh…”
He pauses, tugging on the oversized shirt he’d tugged on in haste. You won’t push him on the issue, mostly concerned about the mess, but after a few moments he continues.
“I think I need to go shopping… I don’t look good in anything I’ve bought.”
The surprise that crosses your features is evident; going from confusion to a scowl to a very fond but sad look at your boyfriend. “Chan, really?”
“I need shopping lessons clearly.” Chan huffs in such a way you almost feel overly fond, cheeks puffed out and hair tousled in a manner that really just makes you wanna mess with it more. Any other time your boyfriend would have been just in his boxers the situation would have ended very differently. “Nothing looks good at all.”
“Now that can’t be true.” You frown, and step forward to take your boyfriend’s hands. His hands, big and warm as always, seem to shake just the slightest at this series of events.
“Chan, baby-” As you hold his hands, even when you comfort him, you notice his thumb gently ghosting across the back of your hand. You know this isn’t just about you comforting him though, you both take solace in being able to voice anything to the other. You don’t want to press him, but you coax him to explain. “-is this just about the clothes?”
Chan’s next response though, is a lot smaller than you anticipated.
“I don’t think so…” His voice seems so tiny, so gentle, his hands gripping yours to ground himself. “...I don’t like how I look either.”
Though you sigh, a wince escaping Chan at the sound, you don’t mean to sound defeated. You keep tight hold of one of his hands gently, the other gently caressing his cheek. Your boyfriend still won’t look at you, and you know he’s afraid to admit the struggles that vortex in his brain.
“I’m sorry I should have said something sooner instead of making a mess of our bedroom.” The weak laugh that escapes him is coupled by him leaning into your touch. His cheek is soft and warm, and the hum that he sighs is content. “I’ll pick it up I promise.”
You laugh and the grip of his hand laced with yours gets tighter, like he needs to ground himself further in your embrace.
“I’m not worried about the mess babe-” You take a deep breath and tilt his cheek up, eyes meeting. His soft brown eyes seem to plead to not be seen, looking elsewhere once again. The firmer grip on your hand is not lost on you either. “-I think I’m worried about you.”
Chan is silent for a moment, still refusing to meet your gaze. It’s almost as if he lingers on the clothes on the floor for too long, before finally glancing up at you.
“I’m sorry…” He sighs. “I think it’s just a passing feeling again y’know? Like I tried everything on and nothing seemed right… almost like I don’t know how to dress myself. If a stylist does it it’s one thing, it looks coordinated and everything flows. They like that. But when I dress myself I feel like I look sloppy… I don’t even know how to style my own hair.”
The frown that settles on your face is more of sadness than frustration. “Oh Chan…”
When his grip seems to be as tight as it can get, his following statement breaks your heart.
“Are you really sure I’m attractive?”
You suck in a breath, tensing.
Yes, your boyfriend and you both have your insecurities. They come and go like fleeting, burning shooting stars, leaving either of you exhausted and drained from fighting them. They stick and ache, flickering through your brains like bad black and white films. But the other is always there to comfort the one struggling like a breath of fresh air.
You tilt his head to look at you, his eyes soft and earnestly begging for comfort. Your palm that cups his cheek wipes away a brimming tear, and a faint chuckle escapes your boyfriend as he sighs. Just asking that single question seemed to make him all the more tired.
“Of course I do Chan.” You smile gently, cupping his face once more as you press a faint kiss to his nose. “I think everything about you is attractive.”
The chuckle that escapes him makes your heart warm.
“Even if I lose my muscles?”
“Even if you lost your muscles you’d still be attractive.”
“Even if I was bodybuilder buff?”
“Even if you were bodybuilder buff. As long as that’s what you want.”
“What if I dress myself in neon?”
“Might be mistaken for a traffic cone, but of course.”
As the two of you exchange banter, Chan increasingly gets more silly with each question. It seems like laughter seems to break through his fog.
“As long as you’re sure…” Chan breathes deep, eyes gentle and trusting to your words in the moment. The battle in his head is long from over, but in this moment he feels more content. “...thank you.”
“Of course I’m sure.” You hum. The hand of yours that held his is loosened, and you find yourself with your fingers clasping the hem of his oversized shirt that you’re pretty sure is actually now your pajama shirt you’d stolen from him. “You’re attractive inside and out. Even if I need to tell you every day, I’ll always be here to do it because it’s true Chan.”
“Promise?” Chan asks quietly.
The giggle that escapes him seems to lift the tension in the room, soft smile finally blooming on Chan’s face.
“In fact, even this t-shirt looks really good on you.” You hum, rubbing the hem between your fingers.
Truth be told, you thought your boyfriend looked good in everything though. From stylist chosen attires to simple shirts and shorts. From heavy concert fits to the most casual jeans and polo shirt. Each suited him in a way you couldn’t explain, though out there somewhere there was someone with colorful vibrant passionate language to explain all the-
-well without getting too deep, needless to say there were a lot of things people found attractive about him.
“You think so?” Chan looks down at his ensemble; a huge tee and his boxers. “I’m basically in pajamas. I don’t look that good.”
“Oh I think you do.” You can’t help but giggle, pressing forward against your boyfriend as his arms find their way around your waist. This feels much more familiar. “But…”
“But…?” Chan’s strong arms wrap around you as he pulls you to him, the comforting rumble of his deep voice wrapping around you as he hums near your ear.
You grin against his shoulder, fingers from his hem skirting up underneath his shirt against his abs.
“You look really good in anything, but it’d look all the better on my floor.”
The exasperated laugh that escapes Chan is nothing short of the most beautiful bells.
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