re:new job, therapy, apartment, reading. i’d appreciate if we talked more about these things, so here i am.
this week has been particularly hard, so i’m going to try and find the words for it. this will be an exercise in learning, about my process, and about myself. maybe i’ll have more questions. or maybe i’ll be lucky and find some answers. but i think this will be a good jumping-off point.
i started my new job this week. i didn’t anticipate it to be this hard and demanding. i’ve always taken pride in the work that i do, but boy did i have my ass handed to me. with this job, i feel so incapable. i feel like my skillset has been inadequate, my personality falling short. there is an overwhelming amount of systems i have to learn in order to get really comfortable here. but with the pace of the company and everyone in it, i feel like won’t be afforded the luxury of “settling in” time. that makes me so, so anxious. on my second day, i was already being asked to present concepts for the new project. on my third day, i was proving said concepts. i don’t even understand the whole thing. i’ve tried asking questions, but i just feel very left behind. it makes me feel lonely, incapable, and worthless.
i’m thinking that maybe this is just an adjustment period, that things will get better once i understand a bit more about the business, the technology, and the logic that serves as its connecting fiber. the best version of myself seeks to understand that. but right now, while i’m adjusting, it doesn’t help that my anxiety induces thought distortion, making me think that i’ve made a mistake in signing on to this new job. i left a workplace that took care of me, that paid me (a little bit) more, that really cared for my work-life balance, and was only 3 miles away from my house. instead now i am breaking down on the daily, my days mostly spent in the train and walking for a 1.5 hr one-way daily commute, going into a workplace where things are moving so fucking fast that i feel lonely and left behind all the time. did i fuck up? did i make a mistake? people make mistakes, right? i feel like i haven’t, in my career, in a while. is this my wake-up call?
a part of me also wonders if maybe my brain is just struggling to adjust because i was a tad bit too comfortable in my last job. i was king of the court, i did things my way, i had a lot of say-so in processes and the way things were ran, so that bought me a lot of autonomy and trust from the company. just writing this now makes me realize how fucking ideal that set-up was. if you’re asking why i left, i’m not able to disclose the information in a public fashion, but i’m happy to take it offline. needless to say, it was for the best.
seriously -- just looking at this on paper, after jotting down my week one feelings, i’m being made to second-guess myself. and it sucks, and it hurts.
i went to therapy for the first time last saturday because i felt like i really needed help. i’ve been struggling, swimming but always fearing drowning. as far as first sessions go, it was more of an interview thing than an actual work-things-through thing. but i still came out of that room feeling that an ounce of me can still produce a damn patronus, when my therapist said: practice self-compassion.
i looked at some really cool apartments in downtown this weekend. one of them is very much a prospect and would cut my commute time down to 1 hr one-way. i know it still seems fucked up, but that’s the train, which means i get to read a book or do whatever with that time. i don’t think it’s time completely lost. the building has the best amenities -- whole foods in the first floor, 2 swimming pools, a theater room i can rent for free, a legit actual gym fitness center with a weight room, a washer/dryer in the unit, and a dishwasher. it seems like a really good deal. it’s also well within my budget.
but a part of me thinks that i’m impulsively looking for things to look forward to, as if i’m restless to have something to look forward to outside of work because that’s shitty right now. on the other hand, here i am, sitting in my nice little 1 bedroom apartment in my quiet neighborhood. walking around it after checking out the downtown apartment made me realize that peace and quiet is an amenity that i have here, which downtown does not. because i’ve been here for 2 years and the apartment is rent-controlled, you can imagine how much money i get to save here. and believe it or not (i think it’s just my wiring, how my parents raised me), i take comfort in financial security, maybe a little more comfort than i would with a shorter commute. i think i’m going to stick around here for a little longer. i think i can make this shit work.
i finished my re-read of harry potter this afternoon and that had me crying like a goddamn baby. i’m so happy that the harry potter books are in my life because i relate to harry so much.
i made a point to a friend of mine this morning that i (along with millions of people) can relate with harry so much, for an infinite amount of reasons. but i did highlight the fact that jk rowling does a wonderful job of illustrating how harry’s anxieties evolve and grow as he grew older. reminds me of me -- such as, the anxieties i’ve felt this week have been very reminiscent of my anxieties from when i was a kid going back to school in the first day of a school year. that shit still fucks me up and i wish anyone was ever there for that kid.
since i’m done with hp now, i’m back on sirens of titan by kurt vonnegut. i’ll probably go back to some tom robbins after that one. i have so many books waiting to be read. this makes me optimistic about my commute.
i look forward for the opportunity to go back into this new job and re-establish my worth (i’d do this for myself, and not anyone else)
i look forward to therapy this sunday
i look forward to saving more money and re-decorating my apartment a little bit, just so it feels new, you know i get restless
i look forward to reading more books and continuing my inner dialogues with binge mode
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