word junk

twenty sum

[maryfckndugan]

hearing ppl speak tagalog makes me rlly upset

[maryfckndugan]

i dont like when u speak to me like that when i dont have capacity

*me not speaking any differently and being days after my mom literally just died 👁️👄👁️*

[maryfckndugan]

i hate the moments that i have to remind myself that youre gone

[maryfckndugan]

i feel like im always going to experience everything from now on through the lens of missing u

[maryfckndugan]

i still have this incredibly sick feeling that youre going to walk in any room that im in

and ur gonna tell me its okay,that youre still here, and u dk why im crying

and i know logically its not true

i watched you die

but that feels wrong

theres not a life where that happens so soon

right

youll come home

youll come right

[maryfckndugan]

hey mom, miss you.

im always missing you.

[maryfckndugan]

this is dumb asf lol but it really sparked smthng in me when ppl were having discourse about megan and klays relationship a part of the conversation was how she had access to family again and bcos he cheated she lost that AGAIN and it made me really sit and realize that it was so hard for me to lose that relationship bcos i also felt like i was losing family. my actual family was literally falling apart and they were there for me while that it was happening only to have it happen again like a few years later. it really clicked to me how i lost a sense of belonging and i think its smthn that even years later is still a sore spot (even tho im miles a way from a person that would even think about being with my ex) bcos i havent found that again (yet?). my partners family isnt close and while my family is trying their best its still so distant. i miss having parents i can rely on and i miss having siblings that i saw often and did very normal very boring things with and miss gathering on holidays and weekends. is that so bad???

[maryfckndugan]

im trying to get out of my self hate/depression hole and ive brushed my teeth and showered in the past two weeks more often than i havent!!! yeehaw!!! im hoping to find more love to pour out to the people that love me by pouring love into myself

i deserve to eat 3 meals

and move my body!

and look good and feel attractive!!

i deserve to live in a home that i love!!!

i deserve structure!!!!

!!!!!!

[maryfckndugan]

tadaima

[maryfckndugan]

i think people are rightfully confused by my very cheerful demeanor but like what more of a downer is me looking you in the eye and being like ya this is one of the worst times in my life and everything fucking sucks and im oferwhelmed and dk where to start and honestly theres nothing i want to be alive for? what will u say then??

[maryfckndugan]

i dont have the guts to face you in the state im in

[maryfckndugan]

i hope i dont make it to 30

[maryfckndugan]

no one really cares but i guess it doesnt matter now

[maryfckndugan]

its been a while since ive been on. lifes been hard. and i think this is it. ive been going back and forth for a while now on what i was going to do, but honestly theres nothing for me to hang on to anymore. its just not worth it anymore for me. theres nothing to look forward to, nothing to want or to dream for. so maybe that was my sign to go, to finish one last act to let you know i love you and that im so sorry for making my decision.

idk maybe im just going through a lot and in a few months or next year ill reread this and think about how im in a much better place or maybe i wont be here and this is the last thing i post. who knows but whatever it is im hoping its whatever would have been the best for me.

[maryfckndugan]

this is easily one of the worst times of my life!!!

[maryfckndugan]

everythjng feels so mechanical right now next step to do next hurdle to solve but i dont know how it will be when one day it stops and ull be gone

[maryfckndugan]

one of the coolest gotg most creative ppl ive met in college works for open ai and was part of a merch launch IM GOING TO KMS THIS CANT BE REAL 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭