TMNT Hot-Head

[maryhnll]

Attention Whore

Why am I here? I woke up from a dream, a horrible dream that has made me sick to my stomach. A reminder of how I treated people so horribly and the shit of a person I am. I should be able to grasp it. Love that I am an asshole. Instead I’m fucking confused as shit, trying to learn to be kind to people, but coming off as an attention whore. Dude, that’s soooooo not where I was trying to go with my actions! Am I an attention whore for giving up meeting a friend’s child because I didn’t want him exposed to my negative energy? Am I an attention whore for pointing out all the flaws I grew up with hence the horrible mistreatment I’ve done on others? For the past four months, every memory of me being such a fucking douche to every person I’ve come across has made its way into my head, making me feel more miserable about myself wondering why did people not see my actions when I was young and do anything about it? I kept remember my cousin and how she treated both me and her mother, all that anger. Did that contribute to my growth? I remembered how my father would continuously rape my mother while I was pretending to sleep next to them, thinking that’s what parents do. Only learning the hard way that it was nothing but pain for my mother. Did that contribute to my growth? I remember meeting someone new that was either a relative or friend to my parents and continuously shaming me for my size, crying my fucking heart out while trying to remain calm on the outside. Did that contribute to my growth? My past is catching up to me. I’m 26 years-old. Is it too late to change? Is it too late to find someone to guide me in the right direction? I know deep down, this is not an attention whore. This is me trying really, really hard to put the pain aside and just try to act like a fucking human being, but failing horribly.

[maryhnll]

What I See In Your Eyes

I have found out so many things about you that was totally random, totally expected, totally out of this world, totally boring. We’ve worked so closely with each other, without a single fight (sorta), and we completely understand each other’s needs. And then there are those days when I swear we just wanna choke the living guts outta each other, wonder how the fuck we got stuck working together.

And yet despite all of that, my heart is still yearning for you. Yearning to know why you care, about what you do, the places and things for you to see, and the people around you--especially the people around you. Like for example, myself. Why? How? Are you nuts? I’m the kind of person who simply shuts people out if you get too close. And if you try to break these walls down, you’ll hurt yourself doing so. You’ll question yourself constantly, “was it worth it?” You’ll look at me skeptically and wonder, “wtf did I get myself into?” And my response: I warned you.

You don’t deserve that kind of struggle, that kind of pain, and drama in your life. You know what you deserve? Happiness...despite what I now know about you lol. 

I can’t look you in the eyes anymore. When I do, I still see innocence. When I look you in the eyes, I swear it feels like you’re looking for a reaction in mines, looking for justification, understanding, to know that I’ve got your back the way I’ve always had it for these past few months. But then fear creeps up in me. Are all my emotions on the table right now? Can you read everything that’s going through my mind?

It’s an amazing feeling to have someone to connect with, and I can’t deny that you make me feel that way. I can’t tell you that I love you, but I’ll be damned if I hold it in. 

[maryhnll]

It’s That Time

I can’t even begin to admit what time it is. But it’s that time. It’s that time where I gotta get my shit together, otherwise my future is screwed. It’s that time where I gotta start thinking about my little ticking bomb...

I was hoping that my friends would’ve been smart enough to get married first AND THEN start making a family of their own. Instead, they had unprotected sex, not to mention their first time having sex, and now they’re pregnant. I honestly can’t even find it in me to tell them “congrats.” I mean seriously, “Congrats on your unplanned child!”, “Congrats for not having a legit job that could help support your kid!”, “I’m so happy for you now that you have a new bundle of joy and both you and your boyfriend will have the possibility of splitting up and have your child’s mind messed up.”

I mean, don’t get me wrong, every child is a blessing, no matter how fucked up they turn out to be. EVERY child is a blessing. But seriously, do you really wanna let your child experience life at such an early age? Your child is gonna watch you and your boyfriend struggle with making ends meet, and if you and your boyfriend don’t work out, your child would have to go through life spending weekends with one parent, and weekdays with the other. Do you really wanna put your child through that?

To add to that, you STILL have no idea what you want to do with your life, nor have you graduated from college! I mean, does your boyfriend at least have a legit job? Did he graduate with some degree higher than an AA? Dude, seriously, having a baby is gonna take some freaking hard work! Sigh...too bad I can’t tell you any of this. 

[thegeek531]

Reblog if your tumblr url is the same one you started with.

This is a serious thing. Im curious how many people over the course of year(s) kept the same tumblr handle. A ton of the people I follow have changed their over time.

As far as I know Im one of the few who havent. Few being relative as there are millions of tumblr users. But yeah.

Social experiment.

If you HAVE changed your URL Click Here

[ittybittymattycommittee]

Raph holding Mikey’s hand

[sassatello]

THE WHOLE GANG’S HERE

[cheese24k]

These videos blow my mind every time

[theyellowbrickraod]

idk what  i just watched

[rnozzarellasticks-deactivated20]

THIS IS TRIPPY AS FCK

[wherethe40sat-deactivated201605]

LOVED IT!

[honeyxglow]

this is so oddly satisfying???

[divagonzo]

I’m too sober to appreciate this well enough.

[voltageisasin]

goODBYE

[clamperl]

what type of currency do they use in outer space

[your-anime-girlfriend-deactivat]

Fuck.

[chafing-nipples]

I literally just threw my phone

[danyandherdragons]

IT TOOK ME A MOMENT

I AM LEAVING

[maryhnll]

Working with these guys is great! 😃😄✌ #SEED #officebuddies #nakupuna

[halloweengubler]

His smile is perfect

[maryhnll]

Very very perfect

[maryhnll]

I DID IT!!! I didn't perfect it, but I practiced, and it looks waaaayyyyy better than my first LOL YAAAYYY!!!!😄😄😄 #proudcrafter

[maryhnll]

Yaaayyyy!! First day of school and second day of work!^-^ You know somethings wrong with your social life when you're cheering for those two things 😂😭

[maryhnll]

Because I'm still reliving that moment lol. That, plus I'm still surprised at myself for not screaming into their faces the very moment I first met them before their soundcheck lol #alltimelowhi #alltimelow #firstconcertever #amazingconcert #fangirlsyndrome #stillshocked #jackbarakatsguitarpick

[maryhnll]

One of My Core Memories

My head is pounding as if I just tanked a whole a six-pack beer, thank god no alcohol was involved. But holy shit was it a night or what lol. So yesterday was the All Time Low Hawaii concert. It was my very first concert. My boyfriend and I first had a big Korean lunch at ChoDang, we got super full off of Bulgogi and the seafood jun. Anyway, we went straight to The Republik to see if there was a line, and yes there was, thank God it wasn’t that long. Our point in the line was between the VIP entrance and the Security. I would’ve thought we were at the crappy area cuz we wouldn’t be able to see the boys enter. Turns out, we were at the perfect area, at the perfect time because 5 minutes after we arrived, we saw the band arrive in the van and enter the door we were at. To say I was in utter shock was an understatement. I had to cover my mouth from saying anything stupid, or screaming in their faces, or idk!! Lol. I almost cried though, out of joy of course. Gah, and they all said hi to me...and I managed to make eye contact. With every. Single. One. Of. Them. Holy fucking shit. Anyways, we heard them rehearsing after maybe 10 minutes. All of the songs they rehearsed were from their latest album Future Hearts. I snapchatted every single thing lol. Afterwards, Lhib and I had to wait 2 hours to get in because we were 21+ years old we were allowed into the Lounge. We were waiting by the curtains because everyone was waiting there to get in first. We had to run for our lives to be in front. I had to ask a few people to let me in the front to be able to see, thank God they were nice enough to let me in. To be honest, all the girls that were surrounding me were super sweet just because throughout the concert, they made sure that I was ok. Anyway, the opening performers were called Crimson Apple. Let me tell you something, had I known they’d be as incredible as I heard and watched them perform, I would’ve taken a god damn picture with them!! We were always standing next to them outside the stupid building and inside! Even in the god damn restroom!! Like wtf...totally missed our chance. But it’s ok. I managed to take really damn good pics of them performing, why? Because I was up front and fucking center hehehehehe. But seriously tho, those girls were hot. Lol. Anyway, they finished performing after like 45 minutes. After that, it was All Time fucking Low. Damn them kids went apeshit crazy! I had to push myself against the gate to be able to breathe. But hey, who could blame them? Four amazing, fucking awesome, sweet, (not to mention hot) men, known as All Time Low were standing 4 feet in front of me. Holy shit, holy shit. holy mother fucking shit!! They performed almost aaaaalllll of my favorite songs. Mostly from their albums Nothing Personal and Future Hearts. Lhib couldn’t stand the pushing and shoving and craziness so she left to stand in the back to listen to the music. At least there were screens for her to watch the whole thing hehehe. Anyways, I was getting kinda tired of the pushing and shoving after like an hour, so I asked the girl next to me to ask the security guard to help me out. I was so grateful that I didn’t feel any pain as he lifted me from the crowd. Actually to be honest, he kept his eyes on me the whole time to make sure I didn’t get hurt, thank you so much bro. But yeah, after he pulled me out and put me to the ground, I was gonna make a run for it, but a shitload of people were stopping me after like a few feet. And when I say a shitload, I mean the fans, AND the security guards, like all three guards. In my head, I was like, “Wtf?! I know I’m short but do you really have to stop me because of that?!” They all made me turn around and low and fucking behold, Alex Gaskarth and Jack Barakat gave me the most heart-breaking smile, while Jack was handing me his guitar pic. I was unbelievably stunned, shocked, happy...all I could do was smile at him like the idiot I was and scream thank you. Like holy shit....holy....fucking....shit. My dream. Came true. Like holy shit.

After that, I was walking through the crowd in a daze. Trying to find Lhib. When I finally found her, I was screaming and showing her what Jack gave me. The people around me were looking at me like I was some sort of psycho but I couldn’t care less cuz I was on cloud fucking 9. Anyway, that was the most amazing night of my life! My first concert and it was amazing! I got to be up close to them, I got to sing my heart out...I got to have fun...I was surrounded by amazing people. Good Lordy, Lord, Lord...talk about blessed.

[maryhnll]

I Only Hope the Best For You

I haven’t seen you in a while. At first I was confused, then I was confused and angry, then confused, angry and sad. And now I’m back to myself lol. I can’t really explain what it means to be myself, but I know that I’m not feeling the negative vibe I used to feel when I used to cry about you.

I saw your snap the other day. I thought I’d pout, or get depressed, or something. But all I did was laugh. I laughed and then smiled, not because I finally saw your face and heard your voice, but because I no longer felt sad. As a matter of fact, I didn’t feel a single thing for you, well, at least not what I used to feel for you. All I felt was sorrow. I felt sorry for you. Especially after seeing the cigarette on your ear. I had high hopes for you to change and all that went down the drain. Now I can only hope the best for you and your future. Hope that something will change and that the next time we see each other (if we ever do), all will be good between us. And that you have a good health, and everything you’ve ever dreamed of.

[maryhnll]

Where's Fizgig?

Time to time I still think of you. Seeing your name on snapchat used to remind me of when you first added me. Now it just reminds me of what we're not. When I play the piano, I think of how you like listening to classical music and sometimes I'd imagine you sitting right next to me on the bench listening to me play. When I see a car that looks like yours, I imagine you driving, wondering how you'd react if I were to cut you off lol. Every place that we've talked on campus, I remember all of our conversations, whether they pissed me off or gave me the biggest smiles. Whenever I go to the bookstore or find something Star-Wars related, I wondered if the presents I gave you are sitting in the corner somewhere gathering dust, or that you actually did something with it. When I see Li Hing Mui Gummy Bears, tuna sandwiches, Goldfish, or Pez, or certain video games or movies, first thought in my mind is always you. Always. After all the lies, secrets, hiding, and hurt...I still think of you, I think fond memories of you. And then I wonder, where did it go wrong? Did I do something to drive you away? Did I not do enough to make you stay? What happened that made us what we are now? I guess I'll never know.

[maryhnll]

It's the Little Things

I've finally learned to move on. But there are still some things I miss.. Like I miss the way you used to include my name in your texts, especially those goodnight texts. I miss how you used to be so goofy in your texts, and I had to be the mentally sane one lol. I miss how you'd try to slyly, and sorta shyly share your food with me, whatever it was. I miss having you stand or sit right next to me and try to work on whatever it was you'd be working on, and once in a while glance over to my screen to see what I'd be working on too. I miss our little hand gestures. Those fist bumps and high fives. I miss those secret glances you made towards me, the ones you thought I didn't notice, but did lol. I miss our little bubble that we created. I could say whatever shit I wanted, and I'd still feel safe with you there. I miss looking into your eyes and not seeing the bitterness I see today. The warmth, that light that radiated through your eyes every time you saw me and came to sit close by. That, I miss, I miss it so much. I miss not feeling so heavy around you. That heavy feeling every time I have to pretend you're just some stranger to me everytime you're around. That heavy feeling, that cold shoulder we give each other when we're both looking straight ahead, trying not to acknowledge each other. Why did it have to come to this? Why'd you have to let your pride get in the way of something that felt so good? That felt so real? I guess I didn't make you happy enough, huh? I hope whoever it is that will make you put your pride aside, will feel lucky to meet you as I did. I hope they'll restore that shine in your eyes that I once saw. I hope they'll have faith in you, the way I did. The way that I still do. We'll find our way. It most likely won't be back to each other, but someday, we'll find our way back to when our hearts were open.