I fucking hate people...
Do you want to know what sever manic bi-polar disorder with sever anxiety looks like.
Today I can’t sit still. I’m constantly moving back and forth. As I sit here and type, my leg is bouncing a hundred mile per hour. I am so physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. All I want to do is sleep, I lay down to sleep and I can’t do anything but think. .. I think about all of the things that i’ve done in my life. Good and bad, but mostly the bad. The people I’ve hurt and let down. I let the thoughts of others cloud my mind. I think about all of the nasty comments that i”ve received the past few days and my thinking turns into self doubt., ...I doubt the fact that I think I’m a good person. That I’m a good parent, friend, and wife. The my doubt turns to belief. . . ... I believe that I am a bad person that hides behind this fake persona that I put on for the crowds. For all of the other fake people around me.
At this point I’m in a full blown panic attack. I’m sitting in the middle of my bathtub bawling my eyes out, wondering why I don’t just kill myself. Because I’m not a good person. I’m a plague to humanity, to my family. OF COURSE THEY”D BE HAPPIER WITHOUT ME! EVERY ONE WOULD! They wouldn’t have to deal with all of the ups and downs that I have. The erratic behaviors. The distant lonely me that would kill to just have a moment to herself.
Today I have repeated this cycle 4 times. Granted, In the panic attack phase.... i wasn’t always in the bathtub. I was in the middle of my living room holding a baby for the first. I was laying on the couch by myself during the second one. The third, I sat outside.
It happens all the time. Sometimes I can hide it. Other times I’m not so good.
Sometimes I have great days and weeks and don’t see anxiety or panic attacks at all.
So do me a favor if you do read this .... Don’t judge people. You don’t know what your words will do to them. They might seem ok. But inside they were already dying.
ALWAYS BE KIND