Today I cried three different times, all caused by three different emotions. It's morningtime and I've been enjoying Vox Machina and the theatric story plotlines. One in particular was with Grog and Pike's friendship origin. The plot armor around these characters were as thick as their friendship.
It's lunchtime and my papa made me some ramen and my mother, oh how she vexes me, brings up my SO again to ask about his drink preferences. "Does he drink tea?" "No, he doesn't like it." "Does he drink coffee?" "No, he also doesn't like that either." "Well then, he won't have a strong liver." At this point, I should have just left, but I haven't finished my ramen bowl. Then she goes on to say, "If he doesn't like fish sauce, then he's not going to want to marry into an Asian family." And I went off on her and she got upset that I was defending him, but I feel like she never respects my boundaries and just says whatever she wants to say. I feel like I really stood my ground today with my mom and I'm proud of myself. But of course, I started crying anyway because I was feeling overwhelmed with anger and I still had things to say. My dad tried to mediate as best as he could, gesturing to me to be quiet. I didn't leave the table until I was done with my ramen so we sat in awkward silence listening to the tv. Then I went to my room and collected myself before coming back out to tell her in a teary voice, "Please be less angry with me. I don't want you to bring up my SO ever again because what you say always hurts me and you never apologize." I can't recall exactly what she replied with but she called me stupid and did not apologize.
She always uses something I tell her against me and it infuriates me and I don't even think she's doing it out of malice. She's being nosy and then causing drama and I need to be more aware of it and stop letting her bait me into it every time.
The third reason I've cried today is because I felt so lonely. I know...it's very cliche but I haven't felt this way in a long time. The kind of lonely where you can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. At first, I thought it was because I binged a whole series and now I needed to fill that empty void and no one was around. I couldn't bother my SO because he was hanging out with his friends from out of town at bars and restaurants and I didn't want to burden him with my loneliness. There was also an immense feeling of fomo seeing pictures of his night on the town. It's terrible feeling like an outsider when I'm around them. Not belonging with his female friends makes me so sad and I almost wish I could break into that friend group, but the barrier to entrance is so large. I wonder if he can sense that I feel like an outsider or unamused by the people around me or maybe I've always said no when I've been invited to bars. "Loneliness is more deadly than smoking" I texted. He called me and we talked about this until 3 in the morning.
A lesson to myself: be direct and selfish and entitled to attention when you’re feeling sad because he is your support and he’ll always be there for you. Part of the boyfriend package is always being there. Don’t let the demons send you down a spiral. Ask for that help
