what if tattoos just randomly appeared on our skin at key points in our lives and we had to figure out what they meant for ourselves

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@maskwhatisreal
what if tattoos just randomly appeared on our skin at key points in our lives and we had to figure out what they meant for ourselves
The song hallelujah always makes me cry but it also makes me think of Shrek???
Why do Americans put the month first. It just makes no sense.
We put the month first because in conversation we say, “July 1st, 2015.” Because it’s quicker than “The first of July, 2015.”
“Tomorrow is May 29th” not “Tomorrow is the 29th of May.” That is why we write it 5/29/15 and not 29/5/15. Because we go by how we phrase it in conversation rather than in sequence because it converts better between numbers and language when written in the former. We also use the month first because that’s how calendars are organized. You have one year and one calendar so the year is a constant and can go in the back. However, calendars aren’t organized my days, but rather by months. You flip to the months first and then find the day. So…. p>
While on this topic, we also use Fahrenheit and not Celsius because a 0-100 scale of measuring temperature makes a lot more sense to a human. We know that 0 is really fucking cold and 100 is really fucking hot, which makes sense. Celsius, however, is just about how water responds to temperature, and makes no sense when applied to humans. Fahrenheit is for people, Celsius is for water. And I am a people not a water.
I find this very funny cause you say that but your independence day is not called July 4th, its called the 4th of July.
What I find funny is that our armies were about half the size of the British army and yet we were still able to crush your crumby asses, declare independence and pour your tea in the ocean.
Girl’s are amazing
I think we broke the notes…
i feel like i’m reblogging history. “the post that broke the notes”
THERE ARE NO FUCKING NOTES
WE HAVE REACHED INFINITY
what the heLL
Um….guys….
There are negative notes….
WHY ARE THERE NEGATIVE NOTES?
HOW ARE THERE NEGATIVE NOTES?!?!?!?!
Its in the black hole of tumblr
At time of reblogging, this post has 1 note :’)
Uhm nothing was there then I hit the heart and 1 note popped up.. Guys I’m scared..
it has reset to 0 notes. what have you done?
now it’s floating in the middle of the thingy
EVERY DAMN TIME
There’s literally nothing there.
What is this?
I couldn’t scroll past this. I need to be part of history for this. There are no notes do you even realise
Let it be known I was here on this day of march twentieth twenty sixteen and I’m laying in bed at nine thirty am
WOO NO NOTES PARTYYY
WTF IS THIS?!?! IM CONFUSED NO NOTES WUT DA ACTUAL FUCK
I LIKED IT AND IT HAD ONE NOTE.
ONE.
NOTE.
Oh wow there are seriously no notes..
What the heck.
OH MY GOSH IT’S TRUE. There were 0 notes, now i liked and just one note popped up! I’m.. I’m not sure how this can happen..? But now I’m part of history YEAH 24th March 2016 - 03:05 am
WHOA SO WEIRD
I just had to see it for myself and it’s true. Holy crap.
On this day, March 24th, 2016 at 12:22 in the afternoon, I have made myself part of history.
it’s back
I’ll probably always reblog this
I feel like tumblr staff have been motoring this post and they put a special code in it so no notes ever show up
This post is historic
by DAVID DOBRIK
1: “Yo, Dave.”
2: “Oh shit! Nice beard, dude!”
1: “Thanks man, but I totally forget that I needed it for the rest of this fucking vine because I’m a dumbass!”
MCCUSE ME BITCH
I throat punched that bitch!
this is against my civil rats!
Tf did I just watch
💀💀💀💀
ME TONITE!
We loved with a love that was more than love.
Edgar Allan Poe (via kissmee-sex)
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral… _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
oh my god these are great
fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes
Make her pussy wet not her eyes.
Make his dick hard not his life
Break her bed not her heart
play with her boobs not her feelings
Get on his dick not his nerves.
always salt your pasta while boiling it
about me
Damn Siri who hurt you
if I can’t help falling in love with you?
The Blizzard of 2016, New York City. The second largest storm in New York in recorded history.
Photography by Dave Krugman, @dave.krugman on Instagram.
that umbrella
Don’t drink and drive your dog won’t understand why you never came home
Okay no. This shit is so fucking satisfying. I can not tell you the joy it brings me when an underage kid tries to buy GTA and when I tell them they need a parent, they go get said parent, and then I say “hey, this game is rated M for these reasons” AND THE PARENTS GET SO APPALLED AND SAY “NO WAY YOU ARE NOT GETTING THAT GAME.” And the look of hatred the kids give me is so raw and pure it gives me fucking life. Damn I miss GameStop.
Keeping online matches safe from annoying 13 year olds.
OKAY FRIENDS SINCE YOU LIKE HEARING ABOUT 13 YEAR OLDS GETTING OWNED LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT ONE OF MY GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS SO FAR AS AN EMPLOYEE OF GAMESTOP.
It was spring 2014, early in the week. Pretty sure it was a Tuesday, but it’s been awhile. It was so dead in our store, I hadn’t seen anyone in over 40 minutes. Eventually, in comes this mom and we start chatting. She said she was here to buy her son a game he wanted, Grand Theft Auto 5, and could I help her find it?
Now, I’m sure many of you are aware how awful Grand Theft Auto 5 is in terms of violence, gore, and sexism. But in case you don’t, the Grand Theft Auto series has always been one of the most violent series that you can buy in stores. The very first GTA was banned in Brazil and condemned in several countries, GTA 5 has a graphic torture scene that is player initiated. GTA: San Andreas had the Hot Coffee scandal which happened in 2004 when modders found unused code in the game for a sex minigame that was player controlled. And that’s only the beginning of the controversies surrounding the GTA series (click here to read more! X X X X X X X )
Anyways, back to me and the Mom. Who will now be referred to as Mom because she is that awesome. Since I was behind the counter I pulled a copy of GTA 5 from backstock and started ringing her up while making polite chitchat, the usual cashier stuff. But everything changed when I asked for her ID because of the M rating. At first Mom replied, “Oh sure thing let me grab it.” And started digging in her purse. But then what I said registered with her and she paused and looked at me.
“M rating? What does that mean?”
“Oh GTA 5 is rated M for violence, gore, bad language, and other stuff”. I won’t bore you with the whole spiel I go into when I’m asked about the M rating but basically I just explain why the game is rated M, what the M rating means, and that they can go on ESRB.org to see why it got that rating.
So I tell Mom about the website and she whips out her cell phone and gets on the site and starts reading. And she got MAD. She starts telling me about how her son knows she doesn’t like this sort of game and how he is going to be in so much trouble because he knows better than to ask for this sort of thing as she doesn’t tolerate this in her house. And he is so grounded for thinking he could get away with this. Then, Mom looked me in the eye and asked me to look up several other games for her to see if he’d done this with any other games.
“Yea sure thing, which games would you like me to look up?”
“Bioshock 2.”
“I can already tell you without looking that Bioshock 2 is rated M.”
“MY CHILD IS SO GROUNDED FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR. What about the first Bioshock?”
“Yep, that’s also rated M.”
“OH MY GOSH, what about Gears of War?”
“That entire series is rated M.”
To spare y’all from another 10 rounds of that, basically take every popular M rated title from the last 5 years and insert them in the above dialogue.
Eventually, Mom says “Oh my gosh, you must think me a horrible parent. I can’t believe I let him have those games.”
“Ma’am, I don’t think that at all. The fact that you’re concerned about this tells me that you are a good parent. And just so you know instead of throwing out those games you’re more than welcome to trade them in here and get some store credit or cash back for them.”
“Really? I’ll have to do that, I don’t want him playing those games anymore.”
“Yea, we also take gaming consoles, iphones, and tablets too!”
“Oh that’s wonderful! Thank you for being so patient with me and telling me all about this. I’m going home and to go through his gaming collection right now!”
And off she went, leaving me bored till I finally got to leave for the night.
BUT THAT’S NOT THE END. THIS IS WHEN SHIT GETS AWESOME.
The next day I’m working again, bored out of my goddamn mind. There’s only so many times you can alphabetize the store before going insane. As I’m looking out the window I see a car pull up and Mom hops out and then pulls out two huge duffel bags and walks in.
“Hey welcome back to Gamestop! What can I help you with!”
“Oh I’m so glad you’re here! So last night I went through my son’s game collection and most of them are rated M! So I decided to teach him a lesson about why you don’t lie to your mother. Seeing as I bought him these consoles and most of the games were bought with my money, his game consoles and games actually belong to me. Therefore, I would like to trade in all this.“ And proceeds to pull out his XBox 360, PS3, and every game he had for both consoles (over 50!) as well all the extra controllers and headsets he had.
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely.“ I will never forget her smile when she said this nor the look in her eye. This is not a woman to be crossed.
So I traded everything in and she got back over $300 in store credit for everything. And with it she bought a Wii, a couple extra controllers, and a couple games rated E. Then she looked me in the eye and asked if we had any extra boxes laying around for the XBox One and if so could she have one?
“Are you going to put the Wii in it and give it to him?“
“Yes. Along with a note saying that this is what happens when you abuse the trust of your mother. I’m going to make sure this never happens again.“ It is at this point that Mom ascended to God Tier status with all Gamestop employees falling to their knees for a chance to bask in her glory.
I got her an XBox One box and sent her on her way after asking her to take the survey on the receipt.
“Oh of course dear, you’ve been such a big help. Let me write down your name so I don’t forget it.”
“Of course! I’m Lexi, but if your son asks my name is Deegan.“ (Deegan was my store’s manager at the time.
And then she left, leaving me with the best trade numbers of the month and the greatest story I’ll likely ever be apart of at GameStop. Mom, I never got your name, but you are my personal Gamestop Hero.
being in a public restroom and hearing someone shitting really loud
being in a public restroom
being in a public
people adding things 2 my posts
your posts
ur blog
IM LAUGHING SO HARD. I THREW MY PHONE SO I COULD BREATHE
you thinking that comment was necessary
thinking
wen u zoom in
I love this post
love
It just keeps getting better
overused captions
Tumblr’s new layout
the internet
this is the only long ass post i’m ever going to reblog
if you know they’re busy, keep yourself distracted in the safest way possible. they don’t hate you, they’re not mad at you, they aren’t avoiding you. they’re busy, and they still love you.