m

don’t have to be sorry for leaving and growing up

[matildassorry]

fuck the moon. fuck the way the moon looks at the stars. it’s all fake. the moon is just putting on a show. it’s all just a fucking joke to the moon. the moon never cared about the stars. the moon played the stars like a game. and the moon doesn’t even care how she makes the stars feel. she never did. she never will. the moon tells the stars she’s changed, she’s not like how she was before. the stars blindly believe the moon. the stars trust the moon. the stars have no reason to believe the moon is lying to them. but the moon hasn’t changed. and the moon has once again, hurt the stars. the moon will never understand how bad she hurts the stars time after time after time. but the stars are stupid and will fall for it every time. even if the stars know the moon is just using them, they’ll fall for it every single time.

but in reality, the moon can’t really be blamed. the stars don’t blame the moon. because how could someone, especially the moon, love or want something as unworthy, undesirable, and unlovable as the stars?

[matildassorry]

i’ve finally moved on.

for real this time.

i know i keep saying it, and keep telling everyone i have, but genuinely, this time,

it’s different.

i was texting an unknown number the other day, i found myself hoping it was someone else. praying it wasn’t you.

but, it was. of course it was.

because why would you ever want me to be happy? you can’t stand the thought of me being happier than you, especially if it’s not with you.

i felt something in my stomach when you confirmed i was talking to you. the feeling i used to mistake for butterflies.

i now know that feeling was actually dread. i dreaded being around you, i was just too wrapped up in the idea of you to notice.

i wasn’t even upset when we stopped talking.

i didn’t have to keep telling myself i didn’t care, or telling everyone else i didn’t care. i wasn’t convincing anyone that im over it, and that it didn’t bother me.

i actually forgot it even happened.

that’s how i knew, i just simply, didn’t even care.

that’s how i know im healed. i’m healed and im over you.

for real this time.

and i’m so fucking happy it’s fucking over.

[matildassorry]

one day i’ll maybe have a boy like me for me,

and all of my muchness.

he won’t just want me for my body, because i have boobs, because he thinks im easy. i wont be viewed as an object.

he’ll notice my personality.

he’ll think i’m the funniest girl.

he’ll see me as the prettiest girl he’s ever laid eyes on.

i’ll be his first thought when he hears a love song.

he’ll see one of my favorite things and be instantly reminded of me.

he’ll watch my favorite movies with me.

he’ll drink my mixed-drink concoctions.

he’ll scratch my back without asking.

he’ll tell my lotso bear goodnight.

he’ll see me.

really see me.

[matildassorry]

sorry, just wanted to show progress somewhere, and this is my only safe space.

i didn’t eat really anything for 4 days. imagine if i kept that up. i haven’t felt this tiny in a little while. and i know it’s not much, but it’s much to me.

[matildassorry]

when i post about you, it isn’t to get your attention; it’s not for you at all.

my posts aren’t “i miss you”.

or “i want you back”.

i post about how much i wish i didn’t love you anymore.

how i wish you’d leave my mind forever.

how every little stupid thing reminds me of you.

how you haunt my mind day and night.

i post about how i wish i could go outside when it’s night and not see your face in the moon.

how i wish i could see the color orange and not think about you loving it.

how i wish i could listen to stupid fucking noah kahan and not want to shrivel up in a ball and die.

how i wish i could watch a horror movie with clowns and not imminently wonder if you’ve seen it too.

i post about how much i hate you.

i post about how sad i am that i had to be the one to experience you. over and over and over again.

[matildassorry]

i’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, which is weird because i haven’t really thought about you in a while.

but you’ve been the only person and only thing on my mind.

i wonder how you are. how you’ve been. how you’re taking things. if you still have the same interests. if you know i still remember the things you were interested in. if you know i’m sorry.

i wonder if you still like to mow grass and if you take pictures of it when you finish it. if you still have your hotwheels and if you’ve added any to your collection.

i wonder what shows you’re watching now, and what’s your new favorite. do you still like trailer park boys? or do you have a new favorite movie.

i wonder if you have a game on your phone you’re still obsessed with like that dumb dinosaur game we’d play when we’d wait for the bus.

do you still have the cologne i gave you? do you still use it? do you think about me when you use it?

do you still want to be a pilot?

do you talk to your mom any? i liked her instagram post she posted about your birthday. i hope you saw i did. sorry i unfollowed her when we broke up. i followed her back, i just felt a bit upset when we ended, so i thought it was best to unfollow her. but i follow her now!

i also wanna say i’m sorry to you. i’m was so awful and i know that. i was immature and selfish and you didn’t deserve that. you were such a good and caring boyfriend. you took all my interest into consideration, you talked to my best friend about things for me, bought me the best gifts, did everything so right, i was just so wrong. i was checked out our entire relationship.

i talk highly of you though. when you’re brought up, my friend likes to say you’re a bad boyfriend. i cut her off every time. you were NEVER a bad boyfriend. god you were the best relationship i ever bad.

the shittiest thing i did was break up with you over text. god i feel like such a bitch for that. im so ashamed of myself and id go back to change it if i could. i’m so unbelievably sorry for that.

i may never get to ask or say any of this to you, but it feels a bit better to get it off my chest.

[matildassorry]

for just once in my life i wish i was a first choice. i’m so fucking sick of being a second choice. being a filler. only being thought of when it’s convenient for others.

it’s so demeaning. it’s so pathetic.

i know i’m not special, but god damn. i didn’t think i was this unworthy.

when will it be my turn to be loved first? loved unconditionally? loved without getting something in return? just loved?

[matildassorry]

no words, but we speak in tongues

[matildassorry]

i don’t wanna learn someone new.

i don’t want to learn someone else favorite movie

i don’t want to learn someone else’s favorite color

i don’t want to learn someone else’s favorite songs

i don’t want to learn someone else’s favorite number

i don’t want to learn someone else’s favorite fruit

i don’t want to learn someone else’s favorite artist

i don’t want to learn someone else’s favorite flower

i don’t want to learn someone else’s favorite holiday

i don’t want to learn someone else’s smell

i don’t want to learn someone else’s touch

i don’t want to learn someone else’s mannerisms

i don’t want to learn someone else’s social cues

i don’t want to learn how it feels to wear someone else’s clothes

i don’t want to learn how it feels to have someone else wrapped around me

i don’t want to learn someone else.

and i don’t think i can.

i don’t think i’ll ever let myself.

[matildassorry]

unsent project: things i wish i i could say to you, but i can’t. so i post them anonymously. sometimes they upload, sometimes they don’t

march 8: i just wish u would've told me why before u blocked me. that's all i want. why wasnt i enough for u?

march 15: even though we aren't talking anymore, you'll always be my moon. my 444. my orange. my first love.

march 17: ur the only person ive ever wanted. im sorry i couldnt be that for you. ill love u always, my moon.

may 4: i'll love you 4ever, & i wish u felt the same, but that's not reality, & i'm becoming fine with that

may 7: i'm always a call or text away, & ill always pick up. even if we haven't spoke in months.

august 4: was cleaning my room and found a note from u

august 10: i wonder if you know all these are from me

august 14: do you ever wish things happened differently between us? because i do.

august 16: can i have that maroon and black sweatshirt back please. i miss it as much as i do u

august 17: i wonder how u are sometimes, but im too scared to reach out.

august 18: i'm stealing orange and making it mine, i hope that's okay

august 23: sometimes i think u hate me, but it's okay because at least that means u think of me

[matildassorry]

so you want to talk to me, just not to me. not directly

you text my roommate and you ask about me. you ask if i’ve moved in yet or not.

you snapchat her a picture of your sweatshirt that was my favorite. you continuously text her until she opens it. you even tell her to show me. you wanted me to see you in it.

then, you tell her to tell me that i can have it back if i want it. and of course i want it back, it was my favorite.

even if i can’t have you, i can have the sweatshirt.

and today, you text her again. about me.

you tell her i can’t have the color orange. i posted a screenshot of an unsent project about me stealing the color orange and making it mine on my vsco.

that means you stalk me too.

but i add you on snapchat, and you don’t add me back?

you make so much effort to text my roommate when you know i’m with her, and talk to me through her phone, but you don’t want to talk to me?

why?

[matildassorry]

no cryptic post, i just want her back bro

[matildassorry]

i use to despise the color orange, and if i’m being honest, i still do.

but if you were to ask me,

my go-to color to paint my nails is a combo of my bright and pale orange polish.

my favorite chapstick in my little collection is flavored “orange jell-o”.

my favorite version of the sky is when the sun is setting and everything has a slight warm orange tint.

my favorite smirnoff flavor is orange cream pop because i think youd like it if you got the chance to try it.

my favorite bracelet is the orange beaded on i made for you in junior year of high school that i never got the chance to give you.

my favorite fruit to have is oranges because i like peeling them because i want to make sure i get all the white strings off so it’ll taste better, because i know you like it that way.

my go-to color of bendy straw is orange, but i’m running low so i don’t use them as often just in case you come back around, so that way i’m able to let you use your favorite color.

my favorite color combo is light pink and orange because i think they belong together. because light pink is my favorite color and orange is your favorite color.

i despise the color orange because all i can see is you.

[matildassorry]

i’ve tried to convince myself i’ve read it wrong. i’ve tried telling myself you know more about me than you are letting on.

i tell myself that even though i’m extremely vocal about my favorite color being maroon, you know that green looks good on me and that’s why you think it’s my favorite.

i tell myself that i have spiderman splattered all over everything i own, so you must know he’s my favorite super hero.

i tell myself that even though i talk about louis tomlinson like he’s the light of my life and even went to his concert for my birthday and express my undying love for him every chance i get, you know i have a few harry styles posters up in my room so that’s why you thought he was my favorite.

i tell myself that even though I’m sleep with my lot-so bear every night and hold him like he’s my baby, you must know how much he means to me even though you are the only person who’s never talked about him.

but i’m done trying to tell myself these things for you. just once i wish you’d know them for yourself.

[matildassorry]

i want someone i can be dependent on. not because i’m a dependent person, because i’m really not, i just want to be able to trust someone so much i don’t have to fend for myself. i can rely solely on them, and know everything is going to be okay.

i’ve always been so independent growing up. i’ve always done everything for myself. i’ve always just had me to rely on. i’ve always been the only stable person in my life. i know i’ll always be there.

but just once, just once, id like to be able to have someone to rely on. have someone else to trust that much.

a girl can only dream.

[matildassorry]

i yearn to outwardly show my love for someone.

i want to see a flower and associated it with them.

i want to learn their favorite movies and watch it on repeat when i miss them.

i want to learn their favorite songs so when i hear those songs i can think of them.

i wanna know their favorite color so i can paint it on my nails.

i wanna know what perfume or cologne they use so i can engulf myself in it when they aren’t with me.

i wanna buy a house with the one i love and have little mosaics of them around our house.

I wanna know their favorite scent and have it as wallflowers around our house.

I want to paint our bedroom walls the most prominent shade in their eyes. 

i wanna know their favorite baked good so i can bake it for them any time they crave it.

i want to know how they take their coffee so i can wake up extra early and make it for them so they can drink it in bed.

i want to know their favorite animal so when i see it or anything about it i can show them.

i want to know their go to order at every restaurant.

i want to know their favorite drink so i can order without even asking.

i want to know everything there is to know about someone.

[matildassorry]

i’m sick of feeling this way. i’m sick of letting myself get treated this way. i’m sick of lies. i’m sick of games. i’m sick of getting manipulated and played with. i’m sick of letting my guard down, just to get trampled all over. i’m sick and tired of letting her have this power over me. i’m over it. i wish i could just let her go. like truly let her go. and not go crawling back everytime she ever so slightly opens the door for us again. i’m sick of feeling so goddamn pathetic.