◦ beautiful bastard

[matrcns-blog]

shanncs‌:

“ah, that’s why i like you best, mami,” says shane. “you ain’t one to be afraid of speakin’ your mind.” that, and the fact that she was really the only one he could see who could whip the ‘hounds up in shape. without her, shane thinks that they’d have crumbled down years and years ago. joseph provided the dizzying heights, the big dreams, the pinnacles that they didn’t even think were possible to seize and take hold of—but mami? mami provided the stability, the security. there were many folk who probably didn’t like that much, who liked uncertainty and danger and risks, but in the end it was mami who kept them fed and ensured that there was still a camp to go to.

if only he could have the words to say his appreciation of her—but, really, shane’s a coward and a fool and he feels that saying anything would just make a mess of this nice little rhythm they have going now, so he stays quiet. he smiles a little at her replies but continues his work. “a rightful fool who’s still up and about on both legs, aye,” he says. sometimes simply being alive was reason enough to believe oneself lucky, especially when others were not so fortunate. “but this rightful fool could bring you enough food for you to cook up a feast, i mighty reckon,” he says. as he continues cutting the animal, he makes sure that his face betray none of what he’s thinking. “that’s good, then, ain’t it?” he asks, somewhat rhetorically. “the winter’s been tough, aye, but here we are, ain’t we? that’s about the only thing that matters.” unsaid was the fact that they numbered lesser than they did, but shane reckons he doesn’t need to go and voice any of that. as for her question, the only response he gives is a grunt and, after a second’s thinking, a quick shrug. shane wasn’t really one for voicing out much of anything, his tongue more used to barbs and teasing and the like but never one for heartfelt confessions. in the end, he gives her a small smile. “same as i always been, i guess,” he says at last, finally giving her as close to an answer as possible. 

“you better like me best, i’m the one who feeds ya and sews up those bullet holes you come home with.” it was a bit of an odd word to use--- home. but she knew using it around shane was right. this was home, even if it traveled around the country, with different people coming in and out, by idiot choice or by a bullet, this was home. shane new that. he was a part of what made this home. she was confident that that went both ways. for them, this was the place that provided the more stability than they’d ever seen in their lives. more of a family than they were given. she could call everything about this home and he wouldn’t blink an eye.

“you bring me that food and i’ll cook the feast but i ain’t gonna start preppin’ until i see that meat roll in.” she waves her knife at hime again, still not confident in whatever luck he’ll draw up to gather them food. they’ve had just enough to get them by, no more, no less. it’s not lavish or as comfortable as they have been, but there aren’t hungry stomachs every day either, which there have been times when winters get that hard. though he had a point, they were a live, the world was still spinning, and the devil hadn’t come to take their names yet, so things were fine. but then again, “i’m always stressin’ about something. i gotta stress for the rest of y’all, that’s my job.” she doesn't let the worry show on her face, and she tries not to have it keep her up at night, but she has her concerns, and she never wants to see them fail. joseph’s got the grandiose plans that sometimes blow up in their face like a jammed pistol and mami’s never quite sure when it’s going to be one of those times. 

shane doesn’t give her much response and that always strikes a chord with mami. she looks at him for a moment, eyes narrowing carefully before she reaches a hand forward for his shoulder, stopping onl inches away before realizing she’s coated with blood and she pulls back. “you can’t hide your shit from mami.” she clicks her tongue, wiping her hand on the rag beside her. her skin is stained pink but that doesn’t stop her now from grabbing onto his shoulder. “maybe it’s a bit too early now but if you wanna talk about it, i’m always around. lord knows i like to listen. lords knows i don’t like seein’ you suffer.” she presses her lips together and leans back. “tryin’ times these are and i know you might think it’s same as always, but just as easily might not be.”

[matrcns-blog]

guilelcss‌:

minnie’s hands, clean in a literal sense only, were quick to swoop up one of the rabbits. “right,” she nods along – giving her verbal acknowledgment of the task at hand. it takes a little more time of careful observation before she tries to follow one of mami’s actions in the act of skinning. there’s quiet and concise concentration from the younger, who does her best to keep her heart beat from getting to quick. 

letting mami down wasn’t something that minnie actively feared. (that was reserved for run-ins with familiar faces that knew her father or the possibility of ruining a job at hand and jeopardizing the hounds position.) however, the chance she might mess up the skinning and waste perfectly good recourses? she didn’t want to think about it, so she chose to keep her hands still and her eyes on the animal. they occasionally switched over to watch mami’s job – just checking to make sure she was still doing it correctly. 

this wasn’t exactly one of minnie’s strong suits, yet she continued to try. she was eager to learn something else, always. if there was a skill she hadn’t mastered yet – then there was no point in sitting around and waiting for someone else to do it. (what about the days to come when she’d be on her own?) minnie had come to a crossroads, and for as quiet as she’d been, she finally peered back to the elder and held up her work. it was an ameutuer’s compared to mami’s…but it sufficed? “how bad is it?”

      those who wanted to learn were good all around. mami respected that. she respected someone who went outside of their norm to learn, and make themselves more versatile. you never know when you’re going to be out on your own, struggling to survive. mami might not always be by everyone’s side to make sure they survive. she’s happy to teach the skills to anyone willing to listen, that especially included maggie.

women with the hounds held a special place in her heart. they were never going to have it easy in life in the first place, and being with outlaws made it even tougher. so she was going to make sure maggie was kept safely under her wing as long as they were together. though she knows there’s only so much of the brutal world she can keep her from. the day that it catches up to her is the day that concerns her the most.

when maggie speaks up again, mami pulls her eyes from her own rabbit and looks to her’s. it’s not terrible. the cut seems a bit rough and she notices that first. but then her bloody hand is reaching forward to take it and look it over. “i see,” she says first, taking a more detailed look. “not terrible.” she flips it over on her lap to show the skin. “you have to be careful with your hands and your cuts. make sure they’re clean and confident--- no shaking. just swift movements so the cuts are straight. it’s okay if it’s not completely even, but making it even comes with practice. it’s a good start.” she gives her a small smile and hangs it up, nudging another one of her to try again.

[matrcns-blog]

shanncs‌:

“don’t let no actual hunter hear you say that, mami,” says shane. “they’ll throw a hissy fit about you claimin’ that their hunting’s just luck and not skill.” he himself, however, wasn’t insulted. the posturing is just that: posturing. he isn’t exactly crap at hunting, but he isn’t the best either. either way, it’s an activity he doesn’t invest too much of himself in, so mami could throw all the words at him about hunting and he’s pretty sure he’ll be able to ride along with it. there’s one thing she said that catches his attention, though: “you’re damn right about me being the rootin’ tootin’est gunslinger this side of the frontier’s ever seen though,” he says, his fingers patting his gun holster, where his revolver was sheathed. the gun caught the glint of the sun and shined so prettily that shane’s glad of investing so much time in its upkeep. “so you’ve got at least one thing right,” he continues. “and i’m pretty sure i’m the luckiest bastard in the world ’spite of all the trials and tribulations this gang gives me.” or maybe because of it, if shane was honest, because this is a family he’s always going to be grateul for—but he’s not going to say such a thing out loud. besides, he’s sure as hell mami already knows that because he’s pretty sure she’s just about cut from the same cloth.

he took out his knife that was sheathed right besides his gun and promptly set about going to work. “aye, but my pretty face is the reason you love me, ain’t that so?” he answers, a wide smile on his face, her teasing a familiar thing that was almost a comfort these days. it made him think that maybe, just maybe, everything’s going to be back to normal now and all his worries would hopefully be for nought. “now you just tell me what you want next, mami—deer, rabbit, fowl, anythin’ really—and i’ll be sure to have it at your table and you’ll have to admit then that this pretty face could do some work.” he cuts carefully, wanting to get as much of the meat as possible. with how hard the winter hit them, shane’s learned to be economical. “you holdin’ up well, mami?” he says as he works, his tone almost nonchalant, but it’s a question that he means genuinely.

“i’ll let them hear it. i’ll say it louder.” she nods. frankly, mami believes it’s luck most of all. there is skill required, but you can’t make a buck wander up to you. you just gotta be quiet and wait. the skill comes when actually do see one, and that she has no question shane would be fine at. not perfect, not amazing. just fine. but catch a man with his name on a bullet and he’s a sure fire for making sure that bullet lands in his skull.

her eyes roll when he repeats her words back to her, and it wasn’t her intended way for them to be used but he’s keen on boasting directly to her face. “sure, sure. you tell yourself that if it makes you feel so much better.” but she can’t help but grin. she wouldn’t say it in broad daylight, where other ears could hear, but he was rootin’ tootin’, and no one could really dispute that. but this was mami and she’s never give him that pleasure among others. “and you’re right about the luck. only a rightful fool could pull off the stuff you do.” she frees the animal from it’s skin and sets it aside before moving onto the next, but only before hanging up the animal for roasting later. 

“you’re pretty face seems to be the only thing i love about you.” she smirks over her work, only bothering to look up for a moment she he shifts to work near her. he’s careful. not quite as fast as mami is, but this is her every day work, she’s gotten far too good at it. still, it’s fascinating to watch his fingers work over the creature to make sure he’s using the most of it. “just get me enough food so people stop botherin’ me so much.” she shrugs, only then he asks about her, and it’s asked simple enough and maybe if this were under a more private setting she’d be able to answer as freely as she’d like. but it’s not, and so she just rolls her shoulders. “i’m nervous, but i think i’m always nervous. there’s a lot on my plate and i never know how these things are gonna go. i don’t know if everyone’s gonna make it back. if it’s even gonna work. i haven’t been sleepin’ a lot either. i know winter’s almost over but i’m still gettin’ the blues.”it was always a bit tougher in the winter. a lonelier time, where the mind would wander to places she didn’t really like wandering to. but that’s just how it was, and she was ready for it to be done. “but i ain’t really doin’ much, i should be askin’ you, you’re the big man with the gun.” she smiles. while she knows shane is one of the few she can’t just as easily shift the attention from, she hopes maybe he wont linger on it too long. not in front of everyone.

[matrcns-blog]

brotherwarnock‌:

“Merde. Y’think so, cher?” Jude’s laugh was low in his throat, caught up in something else. Whatever that something else was strangled it, left it almost soundless. At her direction, he sat and should have known this would be coming. Just as Noa was, Mami was cosmically in-tune with the shifts of anyone in the camp. Awareness that he shouldn’t be an exception was there, but he had hardly thought of himself as someone tangible. A paper-thin man with no bones to put meat on. He clicked his tongue. “Just let me know before you start reenactin’ the ol’ Donners, huh? Hug or nothin’.”

“I figured you did, just didn’t think much on it.” It’s said softly enough, but there’s a sharpness to it. A wave of quiet, seething anger that she’d be worrying about him. His instinct was to say no, to ignore the plate of food like he would the burn of a bullet. But he knew that in a battle of wills, he would lose. With limp fingers, he took the plate. It smelled good and his stomach betrayed him with a low roar. His features darkened in response, his head bowed enough for his hair to cast a shadow over him. Dark settled into the furrow of his brow, the hollows of his eyes and cheeks. After a breath, he lifted his head to the sun. Blinked against the burn and then looked at her. “Ain’t gonna let me leave ‘less I do, huh?”

He already knew the answer.

“Alright, fine, Mami,” he finally said. Tired. Of what? It was a layered question. Everything was a simple enough answer. His bitter, raging instinct was to say then don’t, but he bit it back. Spooned a layer of grits onto his tongue before he swallowed. “You got enough to worry about with everyone else, no? Ain’t gonna bother you none then.”

mami’s heart ached for jude. she remembers him around camp when his brother was still around and he’d be able to smile. when he could really live and breath and be who he was meant to be. but now he was something more heartbreaking. a mournful soul for a person he could not save. something he could not prevent and mami tried. she’d come into his tent when she could, bringing fresh water, making sure he was fed. she’d give clean rags to rest upon his head and clean the waste from him. a death on the camp, and one not coming from the other end of the bullet, was a sad death indeed.

they used to be brothers of jest. they were fun to be around. mami adored jude just as she did his brother. it was her job to make sure everyone was cared for, safe, and healthy, and when she couldn’t do that, she felt she’d failed. she failed him, failed jude, failed everyone. nothing could compare to the loss jude felt, and she hated that day when her own guilt and sorrow weighed on her, when she had nothing to compare herself to, but she wanted to be better. to do better. mami wanted to do better by jude, now. she wanted him to prosper in the wake of his lost one. she would fight for that. even when he hated it. “i’ll be sure to.” she gives him a smile, running her fingers under the flesh and giving another swipe, freeing the skin completely and setting it aside for cleaning, but not before returning to the rabbit for removing the meat.

she watches him sit beside her and look over the food for a while. mami watches carefully, wondering if he’s going to reject her or not. the thing about it, though, is she cares. she cares too much, you could argue. and if it came to it, she would have to pin him down and force feed him to keep him alive. thankfully, that day hasn’t come so she smiles when he does take his bite, going back to her butchering. “good, i don’t like bein’ bothered. i might like seein’ your face around but i ain’t wantin’ no extra work. i want my friend jude, not a limp sack. can’t make fun of all these fools when you ain’t got that spark in yah, huh.” she grins, looking at him for just a moment. seeing him eat made her let out a sign of relief. she was grasping at straws with him. something as small as eating was making her happy to see.

[matrcns-blog]

itsvisceral‌:

Scout sometimes forgot that she wasn’t on her own, nevermind that she was going on her fifth year with the ‘Hounds. Old habits die hard; when her stomach set to rumbling, she snagged whatever available sustenance she could find, her conscience mute. It was instinct that drove her, but it was often Mami who stopped her in her tracks. The end of the meat remained pinched between her thumb and forefinger, but she ceased dragging it, a flash of bewilderment crossing her face. 

“Christ, Mami,” she hissed, “you do have eyes on the back of your head.” Granted, she wasn’t trying to be sneaky, but now that she’d been caught she might as well embrace it. It was easier than admitting she’d done it without thinking, something she doubted Mami would understand. 

“Well, could I take one if I helped you skin them rabbits?”

it was nothing person to pick one person out over the others. she took no issue with scout. mami actually quite liked scout, and all the things she brought to the table. but rations were rations and they were meant to be portioned out evenly so they didn’t starve. there might be a heist around the corner but mami wasn’t going to let that mean everyone gets more rations. she knows how things can go south. if they chose to eat lavishly now, come to find out they didn’t get away form that train with so much as their lives along, then they’d have nothing.

“y’all are some sneaky folk, i gotta keep my eyes everywhere at all times.” she clicks her tongue and shakes her head. looking up from her work to meet scout’s eyes, she couldn’t help but smirk with her own amusement. “if i took that offer every time it came around, we’d have all the pelts in the world, and no jerky left.” she holds her lips in place before letting her eyes shift back to what she was doing. “you can help if you wish but i ain’t givin’ you anything from it.”

[matrcns-blog]

shanncs‌:

the quiet’s good for one’s soul, is all shane can think, as he shares this moment with mami. lately, he’s been feeling as if the ground would be pulled up under them any time, and shane feels grateful for times like this when he can laze around and just pass the time with the people he loves. they’ve been coming in few and far between: the past few days seemed to test them, and shane could still feel the dirt on his hands and the sweat on his brow as he dug up those graves, as if it just happened yesterday.

but, god willing (and shane is not often a religious man, but there are times where he pleads to the lord almighty for some blessings to rain down upon them), there’ll be better days now.

“that so?” he asks, a grin tugging at the corner of his lips in response to mami’s own. “if i didn’t know better, i’d feel hurt that you think my huntin’ skills so shit.” he looks to the rest of the camp then back at her, as if incredulous that she could even make a declaration, before bursting out in a deep laugh. “well, best of luck to ‘em, i say. i reckon most anyone here knows that i can draw a gun faster than they could even blink.” the boast falls easily from his lips—so easily that it doesn’t feel like a boast at all, but him just declaring the facts as known to him. it’s not without some grounds: after all, so many years spent by joseph’s side got him the position of right-hand man, and it isn’t something that was just given to him.

still, he raises his hands in defeat. “but whatever you say, mami,” he says, almost cheekily. “i’ll be a good boy and wait for the right and proper time to eat, along with the rest of ‘em.” here, he jerks his head in the general direction of the others. “in the meantime, what d’you say to me helpin’ you out here? i ain’t much for cookin’ and whatnot, but skinnin’ an animal’s plenty easy enough.”

mami never really got much of a family. she never got siblings, even if she knows she has some, somewhere out there, that she’ll never find. wouldn’t know what to look for to begin with. but when she met joseph, and they formed this gang, she found her own family. people whom she could take care of, and take are of her in return. but while there was that emotional support she was not used to, she got the fun parts of finding family in others. that which was displayed right before her, with shane so playfully stating her lack of faith in his skills. it annoyed her, on a small level, but the back and forth was fun. kicking at each other’s egos and making fun on one another was an element fo family she never got to have.

“never said it was shit. huntin’s luck more than anything.” she looks up at him for a moment just to shake her head. “don’t matter if you’re the rootin’ tootin’-est gunslinger in america, you can’t force a buck to come across ya’.” she rolls her eyes. “you bring me more food like you promise, then you can earn you some extra grub. but i don’t see nothin, so that’s what you get--- nothin’.” she waves her knife at him to then bring it back down to the creature in a swift motion, freeing the skin from it’s body in another section.

“if you so insist, cowboy.”  with her bloodied hand, she reaches for two more rabits and toss them in his direction. “nothin’ gettin’ done by you just sittin’ around here. as much as your pretty face makes me smile, can’t have you get too comfy, huh?” she grins, going back to skinning her beast.

[matrcns-blog]

sweetwcters‌:

Maggie was starved to death. Or at least, she felt that way. She always felt that way. Girl could pack a four course meal three times over in her stomach. She sighed though when she was caught.

“God damn it, mami! I’m hungry. I been out drinkin’ and fightin’. I need some sustenance, or I might surely die.” She went over to rest her unruly dark curls against mami’s shoulder, poking out her lower lip. “Just a nip? Please? Or just a little bit of that jerky we got? I’m practically witherin’ away.”

mami didn’t hide the fact that she rolled her eyes when maggie spoke. she thought the attitude was quite selfish, considering there were others who could have more used it than her, who kept their mouth shut, but she wouldn’t let that be too rude to maggie when she spoke. “i can guarantee you wont wither.” she says firmly, keeping her eyes down on her project, “but if takin’ food for yourself and leavin’ less for, say, noa, who’s feedin’ more than herself, by all means, hun. i wont stop you if you put yourself over a nurturing mother.”

[matrcns-blog]

shanncs‌:

there’s always work to do, shane knows, either inside the camp or outside of it: always more people to rob based on joseph’s plans, always more money to be found or stolen or debt to be taken back from poor and naive folk alike (which is dirty work, shane feels, but he does it anyway—so what does that make him, huh?), always something to fuss over in the campsite. the latter is something alien to him: all he knows about housekeeping is how to sew the holes that comes up in his clothes, and nothing more than that. he leaves most of it to caring mami’s hands, which he is thankful enough of for their expertise.

he watches silently as mami makes her way around the camp, doing this and that, generally making sure the camp can survive which is damn important work, shane feels, and so he leaves her to it. as much as he’d like to help, mami has this down pat, and he feels that anything he touches for the purpose of cooking will just probably burn, and that’s a waste of good meat, really. so he lights a cigarette and smokes it, replaces it with another one when there’s nothing left to burn, and continues the ritual well within the morning. it’s a nasty habit, but shane finds that it soothes him, almost. 

mami was nearing finishing (or perhaps nearing finishing, shane reckoned, but the work of being the matron of the camp is work that never ends, if he’s to tell the truth) when he finally decided to make a move. shane flicks the cigarette downwards and grinds it with the heel of his shoe, his eyes alighting as he saw the meat besides mami. he reckoned he could treat himself to a slice—just a slice—but he obviously thought wrong, because then mami was threatening them with no supper. “woah there, mami,” shane says, unable to stop the hint of amusement colouring their tone. “it’s not like i’m taking that much.” he lets out a chuckle then, tries to be all grandstanding and all that. “besides, give me a day, and i reckon i’ll be giving you double that.” he points to the caught rabbit in the snares, a smile punctuating his remark. “ ’s a fair trade, don’t ya think?”

some men are just better off not helping. shane is one of those men. at least, when it comes to mami’s work. he’s good with being beside joseph, taking names and bringing sacks of gold back to camp. but when it comes to mami sweating over the dirty clothes, or collecting steam on her face from dinner, his hands are best caught with a cigarette, and his company, than him trying to offer his help. she appreciates a man who knows his place. they so often have too much pride--- they think they can do anything, and they can do it better than a woman. but he can’t roll the dough for the rolls, he can’t flip the meat at the right moment. he’s useless, and she feels no hesitation to tease him over it. 

smoking his cigarettes at breakfast, mami hustling around him, she didn’t hesitate to reach down every so often to take a puff herself before returning it back to him. mami had no time to actually smoke herself, and she hated the way it made everything smell-- including her hair. but the feeling of her muscles easing when she took the drags was a feeling she enjoyed from time to time. 

then came his dirty hands hovering by her meat and just because he was one of her favorites didn’t give him the pass to whatever he wanted. mami played favorites but her hounds were her hounds and she has to take care of them--- equally. “i’m not a gamblin’ woman, shane.” she clicks her tongue, shaking her head over the butchered rodent. “i’m not takin’ chances on whatever you think you can provide.” she finally gazes back up at him and squints, but there’s a playful smile regardless. “but right now i got about two dozen hungry ‘n angry criminals, so if you wanna deal with them hearin’ you took some of their food, by all means.” she holds up her bloody hands in defense. “you don’t get to come to me whinin’ when they put a bullet in your side.”

[matrcns-blog]

sweetwcters‌:

“Mami, I got you somethin’,” she said sweetly, edging through the hellhounds as they sat and enjoyed their evening. Mami was cooking as per usual, and Maggie went to help her out just a smidge. She was hungry, but she’d help instead of stealing bites like usual.

“It’s in my pack; I got it from town the other day. I think you’ll like it. Ain’t too expensive, so don’t you worry about me spendin’ too much on you now.”

@matrcns​

eyes slowly peel away from the cooking she was doing to look up at maggie as she makes her statement. eyebrows raise, and she can’t help the smile that forms on her lips. “oh, hun. you are a smart one. you know the way my heart.” she wasn’t sure what it was about gifts that made her excited. she never got gifts until she was older. but little pleases mami, even if it’s shallow, she knows she can’t change it.

“well bring it here, i can’t really leave the pot and even if you are buttering me up, i’m not sure i trust you to watch it for me.” it’s more so a joke than anything else, but it’s still true. once mami trusts her not to steal more rations, she’ll leave her alone with the food. though she’s confident, if the gift is really that good, she’ll earn an extra roll anyways.

[matrcns-blog]

guanhumaras‌:

mami meant a lot to noa, but there was an unspoken tension between them. it she had taken the time to look at it, head on–without the filter of sorority she bore for the woman–she might’ve seen more clearly the pain that her motherhood wrought upon the other woman. mami was a good woman, hearty and considerate, but she was still a woman. it was she whom noa trusted most with angelita.

it was that same woman she would entrust with angelita’s life if god ever decided to send death back to claim her and leave her sweet daughter an orphan. there was no one else, far as she was concerned, who was up for the task and–though the men doted on angelita as surely as the women–a girl needed a mother more than anything in this world. she only hoped mami knew, without noa having told her, should the time come because the request always seemed to die in her throat before the words ever come to pass.

noa doesn’t laugh at the statement, though she thinks it’s an approximation of a joke or else the embodiment of some unspoken frustration mami has yet to take out on the carcass before her. she knows better than to ask are you sure? when offered the morsel, which is an insult to both mami’s offer and her intelligence. instead, she pauses respectfully and thanks her with sincerity. 

“i appreciate it.” she tacks on as she rolls the meat before thumb and forefinger. “she could use the extra warmth; you’re right.” even though it was getting warmer by the day, angelita was growing and outgrowing her pelts as quickly. “my mother was a seamstress–have i told you that?” she asks, tearing off a small bite of meat and chewing it over. “wasn’t til i joined up with y’all that i really learned how lucky i was to learn that skill myself.” she had been a silly girl who’d thought she could be a silly wife to a rich man. what a lifetime ago that seemed. 

like many of the people here, there was a lot of anger and bitterness that fueled mami. however, she knew she was better than many to have a grasp on those intense feelings, and it didn’t tend to affect her quite as often. her purpose isn’t supposed to be a wandering, choatic soul. she’s meant to be pulled together. she’s meant to pick up the pieces of other people and put them back together. she takes care of the camp, in every way possible. mami doesn’t lose control. she has to tell herself that frequently. mami doesn’t let her rage run wild. they’re montras she says every day. but there’s a certain bitterness she has less of a grip on. one that wasn’t so much of a problem until noa came along, and triggered it like a finger eagerly resting on a pistol.

it’s not her fault. and least of all, it’s not angelita’s. she would never take her own issues out on the innocent, and children are the most innocent creatures on this planet. noa wasn’t at fault, either, but mami couldn’t control her nature. she couldn’t control what happened to her and couldn’t control the way it had made her feel. for that, she feels guilt.

mami watched her for a moment as she picked apart the meat, but her attention quickly went back down to the task at hand. she listened closely to her anecdote, and nodded to it, “it’s a good skill to have, glad to hear you picked it up.” she gives a tense smile. she catches herself in few moments like this, where she knows to be kinder. she’s just trying to start a conversation at all. “sit,” she doesn’t even nod to where she can sit, and her eyes are still pointed down, but the words hang in the air less like an offer and more like a command. though she speaks to everyone like that. “i have my good knife in the basket, it’s good at getting through the skin real easy.” 

[matrcns-blog]

rvelator‌:

        “ hi, mami, ” he greets instinctively at first, a smile creeping onto his face at the mere sight of her, buoyed by the gentle hand on his shoulder. at the offering she procures, though, his face changes. “ oh, ” he says eloquently at first glance, the quiet surprise of someone who will never be quite used to receiving nice things. this world has hardly been kind to him, slapping him in the chest with death and tragedy, only handing him something good if it intended to yank it out of reach as soon as possible. mami, though, mami had never deceived him in such a way; five years later, it still took some getting used to. he’d resisted for far too long, never truly believing that someone genuinely wanted to offer him a gentle hand without pulling it back out of his grasp. he’s learned, though. it’s taken him five years, but he’s learned.

        by the time he reaches out to accept the gift, he knows it’s been a beat too long, but he hopes the bare bones of a smile on his face help to ease the moment of tension. after spending so long trying to resist her kindness, it’s odd, sometimes, to try to accept it freely. he thinks of reading to mami by the low light of a lantern, and imagines threading this small piece of cloth between the pages of david copperfield when her eyes eventually droop from a long, hard day’s work. he thinks of his brothers’ eyes, wide and shining with delight as he used to to the same for them, and knows they would approve. 

        “ thank you, ” he finally manages to say, trying valiantly to keep any semblance of emotion out of his voice. it doesn’t work, but he knows that mami knows better by now, that evaluating the careful way he accepts the piece of cloth is much more important than anything that leaves his mouth. he’s always been one to show, not tell, and this moment is one such example of that habit. his hands, rough as they are from so much hard labor, hold the bookmark as if it’s made out of glass, fingers tracing gently over mami’s careful embroidery. he’s never been a man of many words, but he can’t abstain in this moment. “ you shouldn’t have, ” he adds modestly, finally raising his gaze. “ i know you have more important things to attend to, but… thank you, ” he finishes, and even though it feels inadequate, a true smile finally creeps onto his face. 

she had a soft spoke for the quiet ones. she could read eyes better than she could read any page of any book. she’d seen mac, and after the initial gap of him joining, and gain her comfort and trust that he wasn’t just here to rat them out or kill them one by one, she would study him. he was reclusive--- went out of his way just to avoid everyone in the group. mami wouldn’t take it. above everything, this was a family, and his sour attitude wouldn’t become a ripple in that. so she began speaking directly to him, then that slowly became asking him to be her trusted man of errands. he seemed to handle that well. so well that sometimes he came back with things not even on the list. though mac wanted to be seen as a reclusive outlaw, with blood on his hands and a snarl on his face, he was kind. he refused to believe it, but mami knew. she knows everything.

there’s hesitance and it causes her breath to remain in her chest in those few moments after she finishes speaking, and he doesn’t take it. she almost begins to retract the damn thing, muttering an apology. she had gone too far. it truly wasn’t her place. but the second the doubt started, he eased her thoughts and took it from her grasp. his thank you was low, but she heard it perfectly clear. watching him study it closer, looking over her stitching and the way his body together tenses and eases at the same time, she gives a nod at first, but looks down at her lap. she wants to give him the moment to have thoughts without her eyes studying his every move. he’s allowed to have feelings without mami trying to analyse them and use them to better herself at approaching him the next time. she knows what this means to him, the book. she wants him to have a moment of memories alone.

“you’re very right.” she lets a small smirk twitch at her lips after a moment. “there’s a lot of things i could have done that would be better.” she looks up at the flames, dancing up into the dark sky. “but that’s not how i chose to spend it and we can’t take time back so now you have a gift.” her palms press into her crossed knees and her smile grows into a bigger one, looking at him fully. she now sees that he’s smiling. it’s not as radiant as her own but his is just as charming in it’s own right. every time she earns one of his smiles, she feels as though it’s her own gift. “plus if you book gets anymore ruined i feel you’ll be in a more more sour mood so consider this self preservation. far more productive than a lot of other things.”

[matrcns-blog]

guilelcss‌:

when the sun greeted a tired minnie, she didn’t greet it in return. instead, she grumbled out of her tent with as much energy as she could muster and headed right for something to do. her dad had always said that moving around was the only way to keep warm (as though he knew what real work was). a quiet “morning” was passed along to mami, nothing more than an acknowledgment really. that came when she returned a little while later with what she could scavenge in the woods. which wasn’t a lot, considering the cold. (the few rose hip berries she did find were iced over and in need of a little melting. but what couldn’t a little heat fix?) a silent recognition, but one all the same, minnie had dropped the berries off with a timid smile before heading away.

as the morning passed in a slow crawl and minnie started to feel herself going mad for only the third time that day, she found herself close to mami and whatever she was doing. it wasn’t uncommon to do so, and minnie knew she should be doing something else. but it wasn’t hard to gravitate away from those things if she could learn something new instead. “have you ever known me to take something before you say so?” minnie questioned with a cheeky grin.

the younger clutched her hands together; she tried to find a little warmth in the action. prospects of winter ending soon sounded like a work of fiction as the cold continued on, but there had to be a little hope. otherwise, what was minnie doing here? “do you need any help?” she asked. her hands ached for something to do, just to give her a reason to be moving – to be keeping a little warmer. she needed to rephrase the question. “do you want any help?”

most everyone here was good. she only believes that, because leo is still around, so clearly not everyone in camp is good. minnie, however, was one of those who were so good. possibly too good. the kind of good that mami wants to find a better place for. bloodshed, revenge, and a sort of rotten bitterness that never leaves the soul, is not the place for a girl with eyes that shine as bright as minnie’s. but she’s here to stay. mami knows full well the girl’s not going anywhere else, and rather than try to push her away, she’ll help ease the pain. the last thing she wants is to see her harder over to a crooked, broken outlaw like so many of them are. she deserves better.

she helped earlier this morning. mami really did appreciate the help that minnie provided. there were always so many tasks to be done and she never felt she got close enough to doing all of them properly. it’s her job to make this feel as much like home as possible, and every time she falls short, she feels like she’s not doing her family justice. as much as they were despicable criminals, they were her criminals. she knows minnie feels a similar adoration, which only makes their working relationship that much stronger. minnie seems to understand her rhythm; how not to step on her toes, how to listen, quick to understand. she’s good. she knows why she’s kept around.

“you’re obedient, i like that.” she returns the smile easily and sets her knife down. gesturing for minnie to sit beside her, she keeps her bloodied hands to herself, but moves the rabbits to be more visible. “you ever done this before?” she asks simply, beginning to point at different parts of the animal. “they’re small furs but they’re good for different things. you can stitch ‘em together to make bigger things as well. never let anything go to waste. it’s stupid, and disrespectful.” her tone might come off harsh, but it’s understood it’s never a means of attacking, just her bold tone as she explains her tasks. she takes them seriously, others should as well.

[matrcns-blog]

status: closed > @rvelator date: late january location: bear-tooth ridge (hellhound’s campsite)

everything for the evening had already settled. after supper, mami works to clear everything and put food away, making sure the critters don’t come in the night trying to take it. even the much bigger critters. it’s all a bit exhausting, and every night, especially in the cold winter, she’s exhausted. though having no time to wind down seemed tragic for her, so she made sure to give herself time to let her body rest before making her way to bed.

seeing the familiar face by the fire, mami made a quick dash to her tent before approaching the flames again, tugging on her coat. “hello,” she said simply, planing a hand on mac’s shoulder first before sitting beside him. “hope you’re staying warm.” she turns her head the slightest to look at him, giving him that twinge of a smile. “i have something for you.” she said quickly, and reaching inside her jacket to pull out a thin cloth.

it wasn’t large. she had dyed it on a previous afternoon. mami doesn’t like her cloth to be all the same color and if she can find the right flowers she’s going to make sure there’s color variation. but one of her deep blue scraps had seemed perfect for him. it was a bit long, and thin, but could be held easily in the palm of your hand. her stitch work was careful, and light. the little white knots around a small crescent moon, she’d even stitched a shoot star in the depiction of the night sky. holding it out to mac, her smile grew a bit more present. “you keep bending the corners of your pages, those pages will fall apart. you stick this in there instead and your book will be better off.” she looks at him, then back to the cloth, and at him again. there was always a shred of concern when it came to him, that maybe she’d gone too far, and her nice gesture would only shut him out more. maybe he did not want mami’s things to be meshing with the things of his family. maybe his past life, and his current life, are to remain separate. 

[matrcns-blog]

idolatric‌:

status: open location: bear-tooth ridge time: early morning

“think i left my mask in one of the cabins — think maybe we lost plenty up there.”

it’s a sudden comment, finally breaking the morning silence just like the light over the ridge. it’s a sad realization, he thinks, because he’d had the damn thing for years on end. his small cup of coffee is still steaming, and he’s got a lit cigarette in the other hand, legs kicked out in front of him. he looks about as leisurely as a man can possibly get — if not more. there winter chill has followed them down from the tiber mountains, and for that he’s wrapped in a coat.

“y’know, the yellow one. got it from that gal all the way back in… must’a been lincoln. couldn’t have been anywhere else. you might not remember her.” it’s become a natural sort of habit to wake and talk over the years, as he finds he’s not a man who particularly enjoys silence, and most members of the camp will awaken at the start of each day to the quiet murmurings of their leader over a cup of coffee and a cigarette. the past month had been the exception, on account of it being too cold to speak more than needed.

perhaps it’s a sign of their life finally shifting back into something normal. at this point, he’d take normal over most anything else. he moves his head from the smattering of trees surrounding them, looks at his conversation partner with a suddenly studious gaze. it’s a little too scrutinizing this early in the day. he takes a long pull from his cup before he speaks, idly enjoys the way the hot cup warms his fingers without thought of burning. “didn’t lose anything important, did you?”

there’s always a struggle just just sit still. mami needs to do something with her hands at all times or she’ll go insane. often why she chooses to stitch in down moments at camp. it’s simple, and relatively relaxing. she can hold a conversation and focus on the placement of the needle. it’s about as peaceful as it gets. enjoying her own sips of coffee every few stitches, she listens to joseph ramble on. she nods and hums to show that she’s paying attention, even if she isn’t yet allowing her own comment in return.

she’s been up for a while, but she still hasn’t gathered her brain much to hold down her own side of the conversation. when she wakes up she’s far too concentrated on the stress of getting the day started to try and think of idle chit chat to have with her fellow hounds. joseph grounds her, however, with his topic of some mask. she remembers the one, though has no idea what had happened to it. extensive travel means things are always lost or left behind. 

she shrugs when he finally turns the conversation back around to her. her arm stretching as she pulls the needle through the fabric. “hard to say,” she begins, “not anything i can say has a lot of importance. i feel like some yarn has been lost but i could have used it all without even remembering.” she sighs, giving him a quick look before her focus returns to her project. she worries she’ll run out of yarn before someone can snatch her more in the next town. joseph says the nearby towns are off limits so she’s stuck with what she has for the time being. if she runs out, she knows she’ll grow restless, and no one will want to be around her. “you real attached to this mask or somethin’?”

[matrcns-blog]

status: closed > @thatwretch date: june 17th, 1898 location: somewhere ... someplace

nights off were an uncommon thing. they were typically planned out to the fine detail. she would leave tasks and people in charge ot watch over said tasks. have everything properly communicated and hope to some higher power that the camp wouldn’t be burnt to the ground by the time she came back. most times, the risk was too great and she’d just stay and do more stitch work. this time, she felt it was worth it. she wanted nothing more than to sit by herself, not be bothered by a single soul, have just a little too much to drink, and go back to camp feeling better and probably sings a bit too loud at the campfire until someone takes her to bed and she falls asleep within moments.

that, however, was a pipe dream that never could happen and mami knew by the third drink being poured, and the sweaty, rather stench-heavy man waddling to her side, that it never was going to happen. he was bold. bolder than she liked her men to be. frankly, over the years, she’s never been particularly fond of men’s hands. they had little purpose on her body, and when they did land on her without her permission, it struck a chord she did not like. a feral part of her body which came out. he was no exception, trying to sweet talk her into a drink with him, a firm hand on her back. it earned him a polite denial. that never works. hand on the hip. she stands, a more firm denial. it lead to a grab on her rear which sent her body reeling and a glass to be thrown against his temple.

the saloon when silent. everything was still and she knew there were cuts on her head just as there were on his face. blood dripping down his skin, mixing with sweat. she still had her pistol but he was bigger, he was stronger. he took control over her easier and mami had no fear for men anymore. it was simply anger. anger she couldn’t stronger. anger she could do better. she was a hellhound for christ’s sake, she should be able to blow his brains across the banister and walk into the sunset, smoke still lifting from the barrel. 

the next thing she knew, her face was pressed into the cold wood of the bar, and she wondered if she would get splinters in her face. if they’d be there when she dies. will they pluck them from her face before burying her? this is considering she will be buried and not just left for the wolves to pick at her skin. both are viable options. 

[matrcns-blog]

brotherwarnock‌:

‘Gonna waste like this, huh? Only a matter of time now, huh?’

Jude had been staring at the strung up catch for he didn’t know how long. Didn’t care either. He’d missed breakfast. And the breakfast before that. His stomach had given up growling. Clearly, it was going unheard. A dead man’s voice clicked in his head. Tutted at him. Death had made Andy mean. Vicious. Jude didn’t plan on fighting. Too tired to argue, too tired to raise a hand.

‘Whatcha think about that rabbit over yonder, Judy?’

“Nothin’,” he murmured. “I don’t think nothin’ of it.”

It wasn’t nothing that guided him over. It wasn’t nothing that had him raising a hand to the rabbits. It was some spiteful part of him that swore at Andy. He did the opposite of what his brother hissed at him for. Supposed he was meant to. One was dead, one was reportedly alive. They were now irrevocably opposite. Mami’s voice pulled him out of his stupor and when he looked at her, he was confused. He didn’t remember striding over. Could barely remember getting up that morning.

“Won’t get much for it,” he said numbly as he dropped his hand. He didn’t balk at her knife or her tone. Simply looked at her. “My skin an’ all.”

He wound his hands together, ran his nails along his cold skin.

“…Sorry,” he conceded. Mami’s eyes undid him and he dropped to a crouch. His eyes didn’t meet hers in return. Too bloodshot and dry to hold a gaze. “I wasn’t gonna take ‘em. Promise. Don’t know what came over me. D’you forgive me?”

every time she looked over jude, she grew more worried. she wondered if his bones creaked like old doors because the look on his face always suggests that it does. the mind tends to be a prison to live in, and she knows he doesn’t sleep. the lack of sleep doesn’t help the creaking bones or the weary eyes. mami is keen on everyone and she knows when someone’s not there. she knows a weakling in the pack when she sees one, but she’s too fond of jude to throw him to the lions. 

she gives him a rather warm smile and shakes her head. “i think you’d be very warm.” she points out, gesturing the knife. “like a very nice hug always with me. you’d be my favorite skin to wear.” shrugging with the knife, she goes back to working over the rabbit before his points out not taking it.

she then remembers her thought process from the morning. “sit,” she commands, gesturing to the spot beside her. a bit wet from this morning’s rain, but she’s moves to lay down a rag to help it be more comfortable. then she twists around to reach for a plate, peeling back the cloth. “you think i don’t notice, but mami is always paying attention.” she holds out the plate, which had fully cooked rabbit and grits already on it. “you will eat, and i will watch, and it will stay down.” it’s not a choice of want, but rather a task. “you don’t eat, you will pass out, and i don’t have time to deal with that, jude.” she adds, feeling that maybe if it’s less about him and more about her, he’ll actually do what she asks.

[matrcns-blog]

guanhumaras‌:

noa’s stomach had been growling all day. she’d planned on weaning angelita sooner than the year mark as her teeth had become almost unbearable during feedings, but the impending bounty on their heads complicating an already harsh winter had postponed fully weaning her until there was enough stability to fully transition her to solid foods. even still, the solid foods that were easiest to access were ones angelita had no hopes of eating. there was always jerky, smoked fish, and the like. it was much easier to fill her own belly and feed her daughter with what milk she made herself.

the whole process left her ravenous and she was always worried that one of the men would get sick of her appetite and make a bigger deal about it than need be. the insecurity of the ever precarious nature of having a toddler that could not pull her own weight was easily noa’s largest insecurity and she worked twice as hard to compensate for it. she’d spent the morning gathering wood, cleaning weapons, and sharpening knives for the camp. it was good work, but even a hearty breakfast hadn’t filled her aching belly that morning and she’d gone to see if she could help mami with some work and, possibly in doing so, weasel out some more food while she did so.

“skin me?” noa’s nose wrinkled in humor at the threat, though her fingertips hovered from the venison–unwilling to directly defy her friend and yet also unwilling to completely be dissuaded. “why mami, i don’t believe you’ve got it in you to skin a woman in front of her baby daughter.” the wry grin spread across her face and she patted angelita’s dark curls lovingly. “promise not to serve me for dinner and i’ll lend you a hand.” she left out the part about her own hunger, but it would come up eventually, she was certain. patience was a virtue of thieves and killers too.

angelita looked cute. she always did. just about any look she had looked utterly adorable and instantly mami’s heart grew warm at the sight. she could imagine things were rather tough for noa. she rode in here with a broken heart, a swollen belly; no home, no more family. death was riding on her back with blazing saddles and mami knew that all quite well. women of betrayal at the hands of men was a strong thing to bond over, even if mami never spoke of her own bitterness towards them.

but on the other hand. having her baby by her side in the moment when her hunger gets the better of her feels like a slap to the face. just because she has a child means she gets special treatment? what about the men who spend all day exerting themselves trying to get the food for them all to eat? what about mami herself? who spends few moments actually to herself because she’s busy keeping everyone alive? she doesn’t pick at the scraps. these were tough times for everyone. sympathy for noa runs deep with bitterness and she’s constantly teetering back and forth. maybe if there wasn’t blood up to her elbows and she was already particularly stressed over the whispers of the weeks to come, she’d be more docile with her hound companion.

today she was caught in a void between.

“i’d happily do it with your daughter elsewhere.” she says plainly, her eyes back to running the knife under the flesh of the beast, a swift motion as she left out a sigh. “take one.” she finally caves. “but i have this under control.” and if her arms were covered in crimson, she might think to pinch the cheeks of angelita and coo, but she couldn’t, so she kept her eyes down. “there’s some fresh pelts by my tent you could make something for angelita. rabbit suits her well.” she cracks a smile, albeit small, to show some sign of solidarity.