Transition Blog

My name's Caden and this is my transition blog. T Date: 03/05/2015 Top Surgery: 06/14/2017 Dr. Christine Nygaard (Bellevue, WA)

[justtryingtomakesence-deactivat]

I can't wait.

i can’t wait till i can pull up my pants and feel my dick rub up against my underwear. i can’t wait to pee standing up on the side of the road on a long road trip. i can’t wait to stroke myself like a man. i can’t wait for bottom surgery.

[matthues]

Now that top surgery is done, I need to re-settle into myself (and my bank account). I'm going to post pictures this week (the chest reveal video, updates from my weeks of healing, and what my chest is looking like currently). Feel free to drop an ask or send a message about anything!

[matthues]

Top Surgery (postop appointments)

I went back for postop visits 3 times so far. The first was one week after surgery. A lot of swelling was still there but everything was looking a-okay. I could officially shower, although I was terrified to do so. The next one was two weeks out. I could lay on my side! Finally! I also got the scar tape removed. I could see that the scars were super small. I was reminded to keep my arms in t-rex mode to keep them from stretching (which, except for 2 odd times catching myself from falling, I was doing very well with). At my last appointment I was 6 weeks post-op. I could officially stop wearing the binder and would start scar treatment. I was able to swim, be out in the sun (with sunscreen of course), and "get my life back". It was weird to think how fast the weeks went by, but also how long they dragged on. When I looked in the mirror I saw myself and I felt like I could cry of happiness. Everything just looked..correct. Dr. Nygaard was incredibly pleased with my results, and informed me on some different scar treatments to try. My next appointment is in December; I will edit this after that appointment. Each appointment I had with Dr. Nygaard's team went great, and they answered all of my questions and were incredibly kind. They even call in occasionally to make sure I'm still doing alright.

[matthues]

Top Surgery (right before, during, & right after)

Last November, I was thankful enough to recieve aid from the Point of Pride scholarship surgery fund. I want to start off by saying without their help I would not have been able to get surgery at all. I'm incredibly grateful, and I would highly suggest that even if you don't think you'll win that you should apply. Put yourself out there and just be yourself. The Point of Pride staff are super friendly, and have been with me every step of the way. I decided to go to Dr. Christine Nygaard in Bellevue, WA. It's about a 5 hour drive from where I live. I went up for a consultation during the winter and everyone in the office was so welcoming and friendly. The office itself was clean and well kept. Dr. Nygaard made me giggle, and we got to chat about questions and concerns I had. She took me through what each step of the process would look like and I got to look at a book of photos of previous surgeries she had done. At the end of the appointment I knew she was exactly who I wanted. I went up one more time for a pre-op visit, got my bloodwork in at the beginning of June, and then my surgery was June 14, 2017. I was a mix of excitement and nerves- I had never had a surgery before. I had a friend with me that was there as my caretaker. I got pulled to the back for the surgery. They explained what they were doing as they set up... and then I was knocked out. A lot of my memory about all that day is missing, honestly. The anaesthesia made me super loopy. I remember how sleepy I was though, haha. ^^ I didn't have any sort of complications except that my throat hurt a lot from the tube and I had ENDLESS hiccups. Like, extremely painful hiccups. Every remedy in the world couldn't cute these things. I think what solved it was a lemon and a throat spray. We stayed up in Bellevue for about 5 days, and then drove back home. I wore a binder that entire time. She didn't use drains, so I was just wrapped in bandages with the binder on top. I slept and played video games during my healing, but I found myself taking small walks outside a lot. I wasn't in a lot of pain I just had very little energy. Overall, 9/10 experience (it would be a 10 but those hiccups really ruined my life lol)

[matthues]

I have returned!!

Hello! It’s been ages!

I (once again) lost the password to this account, and then I lost what email it was connected to. I have acess now and have a LOT to share!

Hopefully this page can still be helpful for others going on similar journeys. ❤

[matthues]

So I called my insurance company to ask what SRS stuff they cover. They only cover bottom surgeries. Which sucks, because I'm pretty sure I won't be able to get surgery unless I have insurance. And I need it.

So I'm back to the drawing board. I can switch insurances (to what, I don't even know) or I can get all of the money myself somehow. Honestly, just the thought of trying to save all of that money makes me feel like it's never going to happen.

In other news my voice might be cracking again.. I'm not exactly sure. It's just been weird lately.

[matthues]

Top Surgery Thoughts

If you don’t want to read about chest stuff it’d be good to skip this!

So I made a post back in May about my sudden realization about how my chest feels/looks “wrong” to me. It’s weird I think how I’ve made this realization so recently. Just to reiterate, up until April or May or so I always just saw my chest to be uncomfortable. It was something that I could just square away with a binder and although it wouldn’t make the feeling go away it helped some.

I’m not sure if it’s all of the people I follow on Instagram or close friends of mines getting surgery or what but I have been curiously looking into surgeries/results for over a year now. I used to feel that I am ready physically but not mentally for surgery, that I’m too scared to, etc. I’m not feeling that anymore.

I’m starting to feel a need. My chest causes so much frustration and anguish. I wear my binder almost daily but I never feel right, I feel like my binder is constantly a reminder of my chest, but if I don’t wear it I will feel even worse. It is necessary but painful for me mentally/emotionally. I hate feeling this way but surgery feels like such a far-away concept.

I’m trying to make it work, though. I am going to look into if it would be covered by insurance and start saving money once I start working again in September. I just.. I feel like I need to do this. Lately it has felt like I can barely even look in the mirror. I try to and what I see just doesn’t fit, my chest looks out of place and I need it gone. I’m trying so hard to be patient but I’m not sure how long i’ll be able to wait.

[matthues]

So.. almost 6 months on testosterone. What’s up now?

Well, I’ve put in my name change and I have a court date. That is really exciting but also very nervewracking because I get anxious with government authority. I’m sure it will be fine though, and I get to start my new school year with my correct name. I’m trying to figure out how shaving works… So I’m going to do that more often. Will it encourage growth in areas where hair hasn’t grown in yet? No idea, but it will be good practice for when it actually does. Speaking of hair, I love how hairy I’m getting (stomach and legs specifically). Like, it’s a slow process but it makes me feel good to see it there. I’ve been passing in public (people seem to think I’m some 14-year old boy) a bit more and that always throws me off. It makes me happy, though; I get excited whenever I hear someone call me “he”. I’m trying to figure out how gaining weight works so that way I can gain muscle. I didn’t really grow up with cismen or people who exercised so I’m at a complete loss on that front. It makes me kind of sad because I want to be able to start getting gains I just have no idea how. And…that’s about it I do believe. I’m going to work hard on trying to update this more (especially with pictures or video when I can since I don’t have as much evidence of that like I would like) and really making a concrete place for me to look back on.

[matthues]

I had a scare in early June where I was spotting for a week like my old period used to be. That stopped at around 2 months so it really freaked me out. If anything though, it upset me. I would sit in my room crying or angry and my mom didn’t understand why. She also hates her period, so she didn’t get why I was being so hurt over it. I didn’t know how to explain how it made me feel. It felt like my body was rejecting what I was trying to do, like it hated me or something. I couldn’t stand to look at myself, and I had to fight to put a pad on so it wouldn’t ruin my clothes. I have a very strong idea on what caused it, but that doesn’t change the fact that I wish it hadn’t happened at all. My cycle was always one of those things that would just ruin me- my whole mood would be wrecked, I would never want to go out, I felt stupid and disgusting. It hasn’t happened again, and I hope that it doesn’t.

It also brought up the debate of surgery (hysterectomy). Although I cannot stand the possibility of having my cycle again- and of course this is subject to change- I feel safe knowing that my uterus and such are creating hormones. If I merely relied on testosterone… I don’t know. I just feel like there are so many complications that could go with that that leave my anxiety running amok. It’s nice to have a failsafe.

[matthues]

Right: Pre-T | Left: 4.5 months on T

I’d like to say there were some facial shape changes but I’m not exactly sure. Something looks different nonetheless. My legs at this point are a LOT harier and I’m sprouting chin hairs.

[matthues]

(originally written May 15, 2015)

the scariest thing just happened.

i was drying my hands in the bathroom so i looked over in the mirror. i was wearing a girls octopus shirt and a sports bra. i stood up straight because i realized i was slouching a lot and didn’t realized how much i slouched. when i finisjed i stopped to look in the mirror and realized how weird it looked. i was used to my hoodie or wearing a boys shirt and my sports bra, and latelt ive been wearing my binder every weekday. so i left rhe bathroom and walked down the hall and realized somerhing that terrified me. i looked down and thought to myself “wow this doesnt look right”

I’ve been uncomfortable with my chest and felt the need to hide it (and then at the same time enjoy being naked which is this whole other thing) but I’ve never felt like what i was looking at didnt add up.

it freaked me out. I’ve never felt like that before. theres somerhing clearly wrong that im visibly seeing and i can’t do anything to fix it. it just all looked and felt so wrong…

[matthues]

Left: Pre-T | Right: 2.5 months on T

At this point I realized I was having a bit of upper lip hair and voice cracking (very often, at that). Bottom growth and leg hair growth were prominent as well.

[matthues]

Sorry that I've been gone so long- I'm going to queue up some posts that give an overview of what's been going on the past 4 months and where I'm at right now.

[matthues]

(left is one month[today], right is pre-t)

Today was my one month and it feels so surreal.

I had my fifth shot Thursday. My shots have been going well. My voice is squeaky and sounds different; hopefully I’ll get the courage to record myself soon. I don’t think my face has made much of a change but there might be slight muscle development? I’m not quite sure. My one month appointments are this week and I am actually eager for them. Overall I am so happy with how things are going I can’t wait to see even more of my growth!

[transandtransplant]

It’s effing hot outside. Like really stupidly hot. This presents an obvious problem for folks who bind on a regular basis. Clearly less clothing is better, but how are you supposed to wear a mens tank top with huge stupid arm holes without it exposing your binder? We have...

[ftmbasterd]

If words could kill

[matthues]

Just a tiny bit pissed...

Mom: "You do realise you look like a girl, which means I can't call you a man, male pronouns etc"

Me: "You look like a giant asshole because you sound like one"