finale
well there goes another semester, and again i’m still not 100% satisfied with what I ended up creating.
and again for what, like the 4th sem in a row, the reason why is time management and dealing with effective ways of managing the weeks that just roll by faster and faster.
this semester i started off with a good mindset towards thinking about studio, and created alot of tangible and measurable conceptualisation work, but as the semester moved on into the “sound barrier” stage, Simon and I’s attitude to studio stagnated due to something that to this day I still cannot discern. maybe its time for me to leave colab? if im obviously not making the most out of this degree and not utilising the money im spending as effectively as possible then what the fuck is the point me being here?
now i’m stuck in a position where i still don’t have a trade as a creative person, i still can’t apply knowledge learnt through a class creatively anywhere because i just don’t have one skill. a jack of all trades, master of none.
not having a specific trade inside this degree is honestly the most daunting thing within colab, not only are you fighting against your own self doubt that you may not be as adequate for a job as someone else, you’re also fighting against other peoples doubt who just judge your project at face value, and give you the “yeah that’s so cool!” response. i hate that a crazy amount, because it’s this whole subconscious mindset that “my project is better than this.” which is just such a pointless waste of energy.
take for example the work i did this semester for magenta and trying to get that running. I tried my hardest and put in so much fucking effort into learning how it worked and how I could use it to my advantage within our project but in the end I had to end up using a fake simulation of an AI that takes one image and shuffles it around. a kick in the teeth for me trying to push myself and learn something new in my eyes. my point is, is that i can guarantee that if someone who actually understood coding or back end design, tried the same things it would take them 10x less time and would create an outcome much better than anything I could’ve ever created within one semester.
it just feels like i keep trying to escape from creating a mediocre project by coming up with elaborate ideas and well thought out conceptual questions, but the overall fabrication and lack of management i put into it just ends up making my projects fall into the normal mediocre BCT projects basket.
now it’s even worse because people have put in a crazy amount of time into interpreting the soundscape I created and have made some beautiful pieces of art in response to our concept. but little do they know that my code is the most basic and terrible representation of the concept conceivable, so they’ll come in with high hopes and i’ll be there to watch the excitement and anticipation drain right away from their faces.
its at this stage that i find myself just confused at the next step. but i guess it’s just time to take a long well earned break and think stuff over.
in response to the project as a project, i’ve definitely had worse and i think that the effort Simon and I put into this was alot higher than our other projects, which is reflective in the end outcome and the conceptual questions arisen from “sen”, and yeah this was just a concept test so we have next year to build upon what we’ve created, but it still doesn’t excuse the fact that I’m just disappointed in myself for how I went about managing time and creating the digital aspect of the project, arguably the largest and most import part.















