The House Of Assembly Webcast: Episode 1 Recap
Yesterday I was asked by Anthony Germain to appear on the CBC Morning Show to discuss opening day at the House of Assembly, which is definitely an event I was previously aware of. Here are my credentials for high level political discussion:
After a rousing speech that referenced Spaghettios (twice), was elected Gander Collegiate Student President in 2006. Proudest moment: hosting the first school dance since the Blue Star incident of 2003.
Eight days doing social media management for a politician. Basically, we would drive around in a van, he would talk to people, a woman would arrange other opportunities for him to talk to people, and I would throw the important details into the endless ocean of HASHTAG NL POLI.
On Saturday afternoons I fix myself a Caesar and read the angry posts on Paddy Daly's Facebook to my dogs.
Beyond that my political observations include “Stephen Harper reminds me of a Stepford Wife” and “Justin Trudeau's hair is quite luxurious” and “he also smokes weed, probably”.
So.... I'm well qualified. Either way, I was asked to provide some commentary on the webcast The House Of Assembly.
Immediately conjuring scenes of a Harry Potter deleted scene, the coverage starts with a group of adults carrying a large golden rod into the room. What is that thing? Let me know.
Continuing with the Hogwarts theme, I'd like to think that people choose their party allegiance with some form of sorting hat:
“POOF, NDP! The Hufflepuff of political parties!”
Our definitions of a "party" are completely different. If your definition of a party is to alternate between yelling passive-aggressive things across a room and slapping the table like a minor hockey banquet, I don't want to party with you.
SIDENOTE: If you want to party with me I'd go with a box of wine, an infinite supply of cheese and a signed guarantee I'll be in bed by 1:30.
The Premier and the leader of the opposition literally dragged MHA Dwight Verge to his seat, an antiquated tradition from when the days when monarchy would “literally shoot the messenger”. Modern day representatives are now slowly starved during these incredibly long meetings.
Too many characters and the dialogue is clunky. The majority of speakers read from memos in some form of Olde English. Can we lose this and speak like human beings?
“Paul, what's the deal with Nalcor? We're all scared shitless the power is gonna go out and we'll have to spend December playing cards in the dark”.
Apparently every minute these meetings are in session costs $22k. Based on yesteday, around 65% of the discussion is taken up by people bumbling "Mr. Speaker" over and over. If we implement a once per speech quota we would save millions.
Somewhere, somehow, Dale Kirby is still talking.
Dwight Ball had the dopest red tie/pocket square combo. Him and Paul Davis looked like Jim Cutler and Roger Sterling from Mad Men.
Overall, I think this could be a lot less stiff and a lot more interesting with a venue change. Ditch the whole thing and move it to a Bingo Hall. Two drink minimum. Everyone sits at the same table, you bring your own blotter, and when your number is called you get a chance to speak your mind.
“Yes, Mr. Speaker. I'd like to draw attention to the importance of drug awareness and response programs in rural Newfoundland. Also, I'd like to declare that “I'M ON THE HITCH”.
“Very well, Mr. Speaker. Ha! Judy Manning, you forgot to mark your free. That's ironic”.
Matt Wright is a St. John’s based comedian. His debut Album “Vasectomy Baby” now available on iTunes and at Fred’s.
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