Awkward Valentine's Day/Date Starters
“So…I can’t afford Netflix, but we can Redbox and chill if you want?”
“Roses were sold out everywhere, so I got you a bucket of chicken instead.”
“The date was great! Well … until we got to his apartment where his dog kept trying to hump me.”
“Every year I tell you the same thing; I don’t like white chocolate!!”
“Not only did he take me to McDonalds for Valentine’s, he used coupons to pay for it.”
“All the stores were sold out of condoms…”
“I think there was something wrong with the food because I don’t feel so good.”
“We need to cut this date short because I’m going to shit myself.”
“PLEASE tell me your credit card did NOT just get declined.”
“What do you mean you’re in labor, the baby’s not due for another month and these tickets weren’t cheap!!”
“Did you get any of those rose petals stuck between your ass cheeks?”
“Are you okay?! I swear I didn’t mean to pop the cork into your face!”
“He not only showed up to our date wasted, but broke a $200 bottle of champagne over his head.”
“So not exactly the surprise you were hoping for, but we’re having a baby.”
“There weren’t any nuts in those chocolates were there?”
“I think I’d rather have been home alone with a pint of ice cream than to have come out on this date with you tonight.”
“I’m sorry my overwhelming libido put you in the hospital.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t help it; I’m lactose intolerant.”
“I can’t drink any champagne because … I might be pregnant.”
“He asked if he could ‘lick my pussy’ and I told him I didn’t have a cat.”
“Quick, call 911; the stove’s on fire.”
“Wait, if you don’t have a car, how are you taking me out then?”
“I don’t think drizzling chocolate on the bed was a very good idea … ”
“I’d kiss you but there were red onions in my dish … ”
“Either I’ve got food poisoning or the baby’s coming.”
“I wanted to propose to you tonight but I think our waitress … kinda stole the ring.”
“I know spending Valentine’s in the hospital isn’t very romantic, but I can’t tell you how happy I am that you stayed.”
“So, um, I don’t think we can have sex tonight. I just got my period.”
“If you’re going to fart in my car, at least give me a warning next time.”
“My/Your dress totally ripped up the back and now my/your ass is hanging out.”
“We weren’t even ten minutes into our date before he pulled his dick out and started jerking it under the table!!”
“I don’t mean to be rude, but did you brush your teeth with garlic or something?! The smell is overwhelming.”
“Not only was he/she late to our Skype date, but I could see his/her side guy/chick in his/her bed in the background!”
“Well, being handcuffed and arrested certainly made the date exciting.”
“No, we’re going to have to cancel our reservations, I can’t find a sitter.”
“Even though I peed myself in the middle of our date, we still had a good time.”
“Well, I had bought you a really nice Valentine’s gift, but one of the kids thought it’d be funny to flush it down the toilet.”
“I’m the master of the microwave.”
“Oh. Um, they must have mixed up our plates. That ring isn’t for you.”
“I was so nervous for the date, I forgot to put deodorant on. That might be why they haven’t called me in a few days.”
“If you’re expecting an engagement ring tonight, then I’ve got bad news for you.”
“He tied me to the bed, told me to call him daddy, and next thing I know, he’s face down between my legs, snoring.”
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