the musings of a tired grad student

Maya Kalina // 27 // writer

[mayakalina]

our first date I met you in the parking area of a trail head;

a narrow path winding up and around a mountain

through wooded inclines, the tree trunks covered in moss,

ground thick with ferns and wildflowers,

you took my hand and we walked for a while, slowly gaining altitude and passing shadows of past selves

as we came to forks in the road, I reached out to see if you would join me

and each time you extended an arm and kept up

a few months in, your tongue slipped and you called me your girlfriend and we stopped to catch our breath at an overlook

marvelling at the views and at the distance we had so far travelled.

Months later still, you stumbled, and I thought that the ground was falling out from under us, rocks tumbling down into a ravine

and I had no foothold to grab and stabilise myself

but then I caught you and we rested, exhaled in the dusk and waited patiently entwined for the dawn. We stayed here for a while, no desire to move out of the safety.

Sometime later, we reached the summit and sat down, had a picnic and watched the sunrise, golden rays replacing the twinkling silver stars dotted across the evening sky.

I stood up and I peered over the edge, the peak covered now in clouds, the ground long forgotten and the height of the mountain shielded.

I looked back at you as I stepped off of the edge of the world and watched as the sky rose to meet me. whispering 'I love you' was never easy,

leaping off of the cliff face scared me almost as much as the ravine, but I have never felt so sure of a decision

and as I watch you now, cosy and settled in the picnic blanket, patiently waiting for you to jump out and join me, I sometimes wish I could return to the ground

just for a moment, just to tell you that the fear

is what makes it worth it.

[mayakalina]

Cover my body in honey I ache to bloom

hungry lips draw kisses on exposed hips and your milky skin drips down

to my sticky honeydew sheets

limbs tangled in flowers exposing petals

under a sky lit by stars.

Buzzing bumble bees hover over my outstretched fingers

dancing for nectar that runs down the sides of my mouth

like rivers flowing from mouth to ground

water trickling down skin, meandering slowly like the honey that softly melts from your body to mine.

Sometimes when you hesitate and linger inside me

I forget where you end and I begin.

[mayakalina]

You used to call my nose “my heritage” and you would talk endlessly about how prominent a feature it was on my face so much so to the point where I asked you if you made fun of it because you disliked it and the history you claimed it carried with it and you laughed, blood rushing to your cheeks as you shook your head and insisted that it was actually your favourite feature on my face. and now I don’t want anyone else to ever notice it.

jan 3

[mayakalina]

jan 3

It feels awful that this feels like it came out of nowhere, I had no warning and no signs. I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me. 

I miss you like a limb has been cut off, feeling tingling from a piece of me that is no longer there. I miss my best friend. You are the only person I have ever spent time with and not been drained afterwards. You fill me.

[mayakalina]

I miss you, often. I think about seeing you at the grocery store, our hands simultaneously reaching for the tomatoes and our fingers brush. An act impossible to imagine with the world in the state it’s in. Touching feels both sacred And prohibited at the same time. I imagine passing you in the street and smiling because I didn’t leave our shared space in anger Though I was angry for a long time. I imagine shouting your name into the void and hearing you whisper back That you miss me, too And that our shared garden hasn’t been neglected after all this time. It has grown in our absence into a small forest with no path and no direction but with sunshine streaming down through broken branches and a clearing waiting to be planted and harvested and tended once again But until then I miss you, and think of you often.

[mayakalina]

you pulled my head back, fingers clenching softly on my throat holding my mouth open

as you poured into me, intimacy and thousands of innocent touches and whispers said under your breath, taken back as soon as they reached my ears

you led me (on)

to believe that you wanted me, too.

and I am so furious that I bought it, easily

but the truth is you don’t owe me anything, this is still the first chapter of our book and neither of us know if we will be a short story, brief and bittersweet, a cautionary tale we relay to future lovers in the midnight hours of a casual embrace

or if this is the first of many to come

because we are still just getting to know each other’s strengths (and weaknesses) and learning to coexist.

there should have been so much more

time

in between the first time we kissed and brushing our teeth together every night before bed, before rushed goodnights and mundane

routines.

we should have had so much more time to be 

free

before choosing to let go of that freedom in exchange for this security, this comfort, this safety.

and I’m so scared that you need that freedom more than I do, that you will remain restless without it, that I will never be enough for you, that we will never get a chance to see

how the story ends.

[mayakalina]

wait

hover your foot on the threshold a little longer

I’m not ready to say goodnight yet.

[mayakalina]

letter to 5 year old self:

idk I’m happy where my life is right now so I don’t particularly see the point in trying to tell a younger me things to do or avoid because then I wouldn’t be me here now.

letter to future self:

I hope that you’re not in crippling debt and have a stable job and a dog and are happy? I don’t know, I don’t really get the allure of writing a letter to a future self that says things like I hope you have the job I want now because maybe in a few years time I have the job I want then? I’m just babbling and maybe my future self will disagree with me. Who knows.

[mayakalina]

If I could share one message with the world, what would it be...?

That this planet is struggling and we have the power to make it a beautiful and flourishing place if we only work together and listen to each other a little more. What we can accomplish when we come together is amazing.

[mayakalina]

What spirituality means to me in my daily life...

it means staying balanced and kind and doing everything with intention, with awareness, and with thought.

It means staying present.

[mayakalina]

I am proud of myself because...

of my passion and drive. Despite struggling, I never give up. I am proud of my ability to communicate and be open and honest about my feelings.

[mayakalina]

I am happiest when...

I am discovering new places

I am cooking or baking something in a warm kitchen

we are cuddled in bed together, laughing

[mayakalina]

my top 5 values are...

honesty: because so many problems arise from a lack of communication and honesty and if we all could just be a little more honest, with ourselves and with each other, maybe we’d have less conflict.

kindness: do I need to explain this? kindness is just essential.

loyalty: I am fiercely loyal and I get anxious that friends won’t have my back so I really value loyalty and just knowing people will support you.

intelligence: having the ability to critically think, and more importantly, critically analyse one’s own thoughts and feelings, is not only an important value to me but I think it’s just good practice.

passion: doesn’t matter what it’s for, as long as you’re passionate about something, that’s all that matters.

[mayakalina]

my prayer for the world is...

to be kinder to the planet, to treat each other with love and kindness and to be gentler.

to heal.

[mayakalina]

I’m terrified every time I am not sunshine incarnate around you;

because I’m so scared that as soon as you see me as emotional, you will leave because emotions aren’t what you wanted, aren’t what you signed up for. 

I’m scared every time you leave you will decide not to come back because I’m not worth the work. We skipped the step where we make plans to see each other for the next date (and the one after that).

We skipped right into this space of trust where of course you’ll be back tomorrow or the next day or the next and I’m really scared to let go and trust that because it feels so right, but what if I’m here alone?

I’m scared to bring up my anxieties for fear you won’t accept me, won’t want to be patient with me until they subside again; I’m scared that you’re going to resent me for needing you.

I feel overwhelmed because I can’t go to work right now, can’t see my friends, can’t go to a cafe and read, can’t take a train to another city for the day and just get lost. There is a certain amount of newness surrounding us still that I hope lingers; missing you as soon as you leave, blushing every time you tell me I do something cute, looking at you in awe that things went right in this crazy world and you’re still around. But it’s overwhelming to be dealing with all the normal newness in addition to being in lock-down and having nowhere to go to escape the loneliness.

I’m scared that all of this is too good to be true and when I eventually wake up and exhale, it will end (and I’m scared that by thinking this, I will make it true and somehow sabotage this)

I’m scared that you’re only spending time with me now during the lockdown because you have no other choice. The choice is simply to spend time with me rather than time home alone - it’s not that you’re choosing me, it’s that you’re choosing to not be alone.

How many times can I cry before you decide you don’t want to learn how to swim in my saltwater ocean? How many times before you decide land was always the safer option and you wade back to shore?

[mayakalina]

some of my strengths that have helped me through this last week...

patience

love

friends

my dedication to my body, in my yoga practice, in going for daily walks, in cooking and baking as often as possible

[mayakalina]

what does chaos feel like inside me?

it feels like grey clouds over a restless ocean, turbulent waves crashing into each other, anger incarnate, lightening flashing in a jet black sky, a thunderstorm with no end and no beginning, but also with no witnesses. Maybe because I try to shield everyone from my chaos when it is present, try to hide it deep inside my cavernous chest, in the middle of the ocean where no one ventures, where no one could accidentally stumble. Hide it away, tucked under longitude and latitude lines hastily drawn on a map. 

what might help to calm the storm?

a lifeboat, allowing someone into my depths to witness the chaos and help me not drown silently in it. Accepting that I don’t have to conquer it alone.