Maydismay @maydismay - Tumblr Blog

nixscriptum

letsbelonelytogetherr

— puella via puella.nya

lessismore-falak-i

and I pray, and I hope.

vexheart

free-my-mindd

Forgive yourself

achingchest

i don’t regret my decision even though some days, i question it. i wring it out to dry and make myself explain it. again and again and again and again, i tell myself why letting go is the best decision for me. i am no longer speaking to you. i don’t know you. i am thinking in third person - i wish i could be there with him. i wish i could be there for him. but i know he doesn’t want me to be. it’s that easy.

i keep thinking about what i’d do if he ever came back and i know that, of course, i would be there with open arms for him. i still want to be the kind of person who would thank him for opening up in a way he never has before, because i know how hard it is to open up to those who don’t deserve what you put them through. it’s harder when you don’t have a reason. harder when you know i am here thinking i should have cared more. should have showed him more love. should have been there as if in a second, he could have been gone. i miss him. think that if i did all of this shit for him, maybe he would have liked me. think if i told him that i valued him, it would change things. but also,

i want to thank him for leaving, because without his absence, i would have stayed stuck. would have never thought about how he never did anything for me either. had me still imagining a future when he won’t even reach out. i want to reach out. i’m sorry i haven’t reached out. but there’s only so many times i can do that without an answer without eventually feeling like even if he answered, he’d only be answering as a pitty response.

achingchest

it still feels as familiar as it did the last time, years ago— curling up in the car, putting on sad songs to get rid of this emptiness, trying to cry until the tears are flowing so much I can’t breathe, sitting on the grass, throwing up in the backyard, staring at the stars, wondering how things got this way. I am so tired of fighting for things that will never be mine, trying to explain how special people are to people who will never see them in the same light as I do, loving people in ways I am scared to say out loud— I want you to know how badly I miss you the second I leave but I don’t think telling you would change anything. I don’t know how to change anything. I don’t know how to make you want me. I keep fucking up because I don’t know how to be anyone else but me. I feel inferior. I wish I could change things. I would do literally anything to make you feel the same way as me.