AN: Soooo this is something I wrote months ago, during hiatus. Or rather, I started. I didn’t even realize I’d finished it until the other day, lol. When the show came back, I was too nervous on whether Yvonne would live or die and it sucked all the motive I had to write and then… well, we know what happened…
Thank you again to all my loyal readers. You guys mean the absolute world to me. Thank you for understanding when I take 1029492 years and for never holding it against me. I love you all.
Summary: Spencer calls Toby in the middle of the night, after a nightmare. Set after 7x07.
He was dead. That was what the loud, invasive, penetrating voice in her head screamed out, over and over again. Until her ears felt like they were bloody and on fire and pulsing so paralyzingly harsh. Until she was sure she would never heard another renaissance for as long as she lived. Until she could no longer feel a single atom of her body, could no longer feel the forest floor underneath her, could no longer feel the chilly night’s air freezing her sickeningly pale skin.
The one person in this world, who had taught her how to love, who had taught her she deserved love, that had taught her what love looked like, was lying on the ground before her, still as a portrait, and lifeless as a corpse.
That’s all that was left of him now. A corpse. An empty shell of the blue-eyed boy who had been her safe haven, from the violent storms that ripped her life apart at the seams.
Except he didn’t love her. He wasn’t the person she thought he was, and at the thought, she heard a loud sob expel itself from deep within her core, but she didn’t give it permission, she didn’t anticipate it, and more than anything, she didn’t feel it.
She doubted she’d ever be able to feel anything again. She doubted there was a way to pull all the pieces of her fractured heart and mind sufficiently back together.
Toby, was all she could think. The name, the image, the feeling of him. The way it felt when he wrapped his arms around her, when he kissed her softly, when he laughed at whatever sarcastic, witty remark she had presented him with.
This was it. This was all she ever was. The love he’d shown her, the purity of his soul, the hope he’d unknowingly gave her, somehow had merged into the very lining of her soul and, now, without him, she felt herself fading as well.
Toby, was all she thought. The boy who she had loved recklessly and wholeheartedly and without reservations and the way you could only ever love your first love.
How was it possible that person had never really existed?
Or had he? Had he been faking his status as one on the dark side? Had he donned that black hoodie in loyalty to her? Had he loved her as much as he swore? Had she been right in believing in him, believing there was nothing in this world that could prove he had forged his feelings for her, believing that it was impossible to wake up one day and stop loving someone?
Had she gotten him killed?
Toby, was all she could ever bear to process. The name, the smile, the protective words and the bright, water blue eyes.
She could feel her own self slipping away, and instinctually, she clung to the memory of him, the memory of his golden brown hair, his solid chest, his black as night tattoo, his warmth, his smell of sawdust and cinnamon, his altruistic heart that had always pulled her back when she felt lost without an atlas.
She could feel his shirts on her back, his lips on her neck, his eyes boring deep into the pits of her soul. She could feel him brushing her hair back when she was upset, him rubbing her shoulder when she was tense, him tugging her into his arms when she scared. She could no longer feel her own body, but she could feel every essence of his being effortlessly.
Toby, was all she could focus on. His light, his strength, his accomplishments, his forgiveness, his intuition.
She could remember his name long after she’d forgotten her own.
turnnoffyourmind
blakekathryn
izzy806
tangentwithtanner
origamiaround
snowghoul
janainaart
