I need someone to confess to because I'm about to explode holding this in.
How exactly do you get over the fact that you fell for a guy whom you barely knew and is 11 years older than you and you just found out he's married like 10 years ago?
I can't stop feeling like a clown because:
1. I saw him in real life like once
2. Never spoke to him
3. Crazy stalking on insta trying to find everything about him and whether he's attached
4. Tried to follow him, didn't get approved however got him to follow me on insta
5. The stalking went on for 2 months
6. Found out he's married 2 days ago
7. He's 11 years older than me like damn what am I doing falling for him
8. His wife is cute ngl.
9. I still can't stop thinking about him
10. Had to chat with copilot to seek relationship advice because he's stuck in my head.
11. Writing this at 1am while I have work tomorrow cuz I just can't sleep
Youtube is full of ads, spotify is full of ads, tumblr is full of ads, pinterest is full of ads. Everything uses ai. Every new update makes the website/app worse. Youtube auto translates almost every video I want to watch. Sometimes pinterest only loads ads for me. Check out this new ai feature. Here's a new update that breaks ur laptop. Here's a new update that breaks ur phone. Why are u complaining about ur phone, just get the newest iphone lol. Join my patreon. Join my membership. Pay a monthly membership to get all features. Upgrade your membership to get even more features. Subscribe to netflix. Subscribe to disney. Subscribe to amazon. Subscribe to hulu. This content isn't available in ur country. This content was removed. This website was removed. This feature only exists for apple. This app only exists for apple. U need to a WiFi connection to play this game. U need an account. We need your email to finish creating this account. We need your number to finish creating your account. We need your id to finish creating your account. In order to delete your account please write an email. In order to delete your account you need a laptop. Oops our database was hacked and ur information was stolen. Ur data was sold from this random website u used once 10 years ago. Spam call. Spam call. Spam call.
The world has always been fucked up. Before anyone alive today was even born. Fucked up things happened in the past and still happen in the present, just differently.
I'm sickened to my stomach by the world. More specifically the mainstream social media world. Most people are honestly evil and deserve to go to hell, just look at what kind of stuff most of them are spreading on the internet.
Every time I'm determined to delete my instagram and facebook accounts, I'm haunted by the thought that I'll miss out on important news or the latest trend etc. etc. Yes FOMO has gotten to me and I'm sick of it.
I'm saying all of these while also being chronically addicted to the internet and my phone. How ironic.
How did everything become so completely different.
Just went to check up on Michael Aranda (one of the American youtubers I knew from watching Charlie McDonnell) and found out he came out as polyamorous a couple months ago.
Charlie herself came out as a transgender woman in the beginning of the year too.
I'm now on the way to look up Wheezy Waiter and I'm not sure what I'm about to find out...
I have no idea that I would be so heavily bothered emotionally and mentally by the fact that I am turning 27 this year.
It's also the things people my age do right now and put on Instagram. An increasing number of my female acquaintances are getting married or pregnant and they are seriously freaking me out. I am so anxious and stressed over thoughts like marriage or having kids.
In my mind, I am still a kid. I just graduated from university roughly 2 years ago. And today, I don't even have a job, let alone a career.
I have a loving boyfriend whom I am super grateful for, but he is in the same situation as I am today, we don't feel like we are aDuLtS, we don't have a stable job, we are very broke.
I feel like I wasted my whole life studying to my death for all those school and university exams and getting those straight A's (except for A Level's which I absolutely ruined), and I still have ZERO ideas about what I want to do, what my passion is, or even what I like to do. Like, I know what I like is eating, sleeping and day dreaming. I don't want to work. I don't like having to go to work. I don't know what I want for a career. I just want to be at home and do things like crochet and watch videos.
I am in the worst period of my life now. I am at rock bottom. and I don't know what I should do to go back to reality and work again.
Just a little dairy to commemorate some of the worst times of my life in Singapore.
From Sept-Oct, 2022 I was still in Malaysia and was suffering from flu, cough and fever, on and off. When I recovered from a fever, the next came 3 weeks after. I was then coughing incessantly until early Jan 2023 when I stayed in Singapore. The worst coughing condition in my life so far. Every day and night I was coughing I thought I was gonna puke my lungs out. I tried everything the doctor gave me, western and Chinese medicines. The only one that worked was 益肺散, one packet of powder made me stop coughing the entire night.
Throughout Sept 2022- Feb 2023, I was having diarrhoea and fever on and off, flu, cough... It was definitely a nightmare. It didn't help that at that time, I hated my job so much that I cried every day before going to work.
Erm. I don't really know where I want to go with this. I am just hugely traumatized by my experience in the past few months. So many things happened, and they were quite ugly. From my health conditions to my awful job, to my relationship with my relatives... everything went awful.
And fuck, every single time I thought to myself, how can anything be worse than what I was experiencing at the moment, BOOM the worse things happened.
I feel so demotivated and haven't had the energy to find another job yet. I've been resting and sleeping at home for a month now after resigning from that awful Sg job. I'm so so lost. I'm a huge child baby. Waste a space. A piece of nothing.
For the past few months until today, I've been running bad luck every single day. There are too many incidents that brought me to many teary nights. I don't have the strength at this moment to count and record them here even if I want to.
I'm currently jobless and absolutely in no mood to search for a new job soon. My last day at my job in Singapore was 8th Feb. I've been resting at home for the past couple of weeks. Too many things happened and my mental state is not all well.
I just want to escape from anywhere that people know me, including my family.
I want to start over somewhere new where nobody knows me. I can give up all my dreams just to live in peace. I just want to be alone forever.
I just realized that as much as I hated myself every minute of my life since the day I began to understand stuff I will always miss and love the old me.
When I look back at my old self I see the innocent girl who hated people loved reading novels surfed the internet day and night lied in the bed all day stressed over exams nerd over new academic knowledge, I missed every moment of being that girl.
I feel like I'm yearning and will give anything to be "myself" again.
Because I hate the me now.
However, in 5 or 10 years, I will look back at the me now and somehow miss every moment of being who I was.
I remember I told myself this: If I'm ever back on tumblr again, the reason will definitely be because I am sad.
Just checked out my last post on tumblr and it was freakin' 11 months ago! Almost a year. Which means I might have been happy for almost a year now?
I've had tons of ups and downs in these 11 months. Challenges I faced in my career, challenges I faced when dealing with my emotions and my self-esteem.
I've worked for this manufacturing company for a little over a year now, and in July of 2022 I finally braved myself up to handover my resignation letter. Every day since the day I started working in this company, I would open up this website to count the days left until my one year workiversary. 'Cause it just doesn't look good in my resume if I only worked here for less than a year.
Btw I'm a Human Resource and Admin Executive. This job is probably the most blissful job I've ever had, from the environment, to the colleagues, to the workload, to nearly everything except for the salary. Everything is so peaceful and I feel almost zero stress working there. However, every single day without fail, I DREADED going to work. I've had an anxiety attack thinking about going to work on Monday and my boyfriend was there to witness it. I hate having to wake up to go to work. Every second I am there, I'm thinking about leaving.
I talked to my counsellor about this too... and although she told me that it's probably all in my mind and the stress came from myself, I still hated going to work. Hence, my decision to resign.
My new job will start on September 2022. I'm gonna be a Business Development Executive. Do I have any experience in this job? No. Do I have what it takes? Not really. Will I resign again in like, one month? We'll see. But am I ready to take this challenge head-on? Yes, well, there's no turning back.
All this talking down on myself. They are constantly in my mind.
I still hate it when my parents HIGHLY DOUBT I can handle this job. It doesn't help the fact that I am over here, already HIGHLY DOUBTING myself, being an introvert with extremely LOOOOOOOW self-esteem.
Whatever right, I'm still not paying rent, not paying for food, not paying for WIFI, not paying for anything, not even for birthdays or whatever festival, for this family. I guess they can hurt me for all they want, as long as I still can't afford my own space, my own house, I guess I'm just gonna have to endure them, these manipulative Asian-parents.
That's all for my rant. I'm going back to be sad in real life now.
andulkaphoto
kianamaiart
2087
discoholicmusic
annaxmalina
dailybridgerton
kaledo-art
blakekathryn
tangentwithtanner
jacobvanloon
