meanhore

𐌌𐌃𐌍𐌉! 18+ :: gigi's bookshelf?? ::

[meanhore]

made a side blog to reblog my favs 𐔌՞. .՞𐦯

⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔꒰ ᧔ෆ᧓ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔

𓏲ּ 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 :

hey, i'm gigi!

more about me : my pronouns -> she/her

INFP

stray kids stan (ot8 stay) seungmin biased (or not, i can't choose)

english is not my first language, so.. welcome to my blog!

[meanhore]

j*b's making me hard to read the fanfic the way i used to 😞 (i had 8 hours screen time to just read)

[jl-micasea-fics]

The Guy Next Door | hhj

❝𝐃𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐦𝐞?❞

↳ Chapter 3/7 of The Guy Next Door. See Chapter 1 for story description.  

↳ Female reader x Hyunjin

↳ 13.2k

!! This fic explores themes that may distress some readers i.e. familial abuse (physical, verbal, mental), extremely strict/controlling parenting, mental illness, anxiety/depression and sexual exploitation. Please proceed with caution !!

!Strong language porn star au, strangers to lovers au, college au, first times au, neighbours au, porn star Hyunjin, inexperienced reader, angst and tension, explicit sexual content, heavy sexual themes throughout, frequent reference to pornography, themes of rebellion and self-discovery, heavy making out, clitoral stimulation, first-time orgasms, public sex, oral sex (f. rec), descriptions of pornographic videos, open discussion on abuse, descriptions of abuse, open discussions on sex and sex education, friendship support network, reference to anxiety and panic attacks, adult themes throughout !

「suitable for 18+ readers only」  「Chapter 1」  「Contents List」  「© November 2022 by jl-micasea-fics」

Hwang Hyunjin is a heaven-sent gift, you think.

This is the conclusion the last three days and two nights have brought you to, quite naturally.

Hyunjin is calm, patient, kind beyond all sense. He’s available, but never overbearing, seeming to possess some form of instinctual sixth sense in relation to the way you’re feeling at any one time. Couple all that with the very obvious—and somewhat devastating—physical appeal, you find yourself wondering what about him could possibly be wrong, for if any such flaw exists, it seems to elude you.

Indeed, you find it tragically unfair that he should be so perfect.

If nothing else, and at the very least, you suppose the time spent with him has confirmed beyond any doubt that he’s not actually a figment of your wistful imagination. He’s a very real, very present man in his own right.

Bundled up on the sofa, blanket over your lap and plush cushions at your back, you find more enjoyment in quietly admiring his stark side profile than in the film he’s chosen, playing out on the flat screen in his living room.

You’re unsure how much time must pass for something to be considered routine, but the recurring pattern of school, study, chilling and repeating certainly hasn’t been unwelcome.

You know well enough that’s only because of him.

When he’s around, peace comes effortlessly. It’s no burdensome task to surface from the whirlpool of anxious, intrusive thoughts that creep in whenever you give the reality of your circumstances the time of day:

You’re too close to home, they’ll see you. You’ll have to go back eventually. You can’t stay with him forever. You’re a burden. He just feels sorry for you. Your friends hate you for this. You have to text them back. You can’t keep avoiding them. You miss them. You’re a terrible person. They were just trying to help.

When alone, the cacophony drowns you, creeps up from the depths of your content and brings with it a momentary wave of ice that stills your heart with dread, brings you to a cool sweat. Breaths come lacking, too pitifully shallow to allow a calming lungful of oxygen, and with that, comes the inevitable panic.

Always, it’s Hyunjin that brings you back. A simple touch, an embrace, a tender skim of lips over forehead all that’s needed to return you to the moment, where you’re safe. Where you’re okay.

Still, you know this can’t continue for much longer; you’re not naïve to that fact. But for now, perhaps it’s not so foolish to enjoy it.

“You’re not watching this, are you?”

Hyunjin’s muttered question brings a dose of reality, but doesn’t startle. It’s gentle, soft, much like everything else about him.

“I went to all the trouble of picking out a film just for you,” he mumbles, “and you’re not even watching it.”

You smile absently, shrugging in your slumped position at his side. Amongst cardboard boxes and packing apparatus, the sofa comfortable beneath you, it’s a unique kind of contentment you’re used to now. One that doesn’t revolve around isolation or trust in yourself, but that shares in the warmth of another.

Your head falls back to the cushions, “I was watching. Just got distracted.”

“Oh? By what?”

Keep reading

[meanhore]

oh my God, this is life changing (in the best possible way)

[seungminheart]

LOWKEY — lee minho

pairing: minho x fem!reader genre: smut, angst, fluff, friends with benefits!au word count: 10k warnings: 18+ mdni. fingering (f. rec), semi-public sex, oral (m. rec), kitchen sex lol, unprotected sex, praise kink, overstimulation, this is my attempt at writing smth NOT laced w humor please bear w me ok... its a hard life trying not to be funny </3

summary: catching feelings for lee minho was inevitable from the start. falling for him is as easy as breathing, but how are you supposed to let him know how you feel when you spend more time fucking him than talking to him? OR, the only thing you're more scared of than losing minho is loving him.

"Minho—" you pant. "We're—mmph—we're going to g-get caught."

"Not if you shut up."

He tightens his grip on your hair, gathering it in a makeshift ponytail at the base of your neck.

"That's not fair," you hiss, but the tail end of your sentence breaks off in a moan as his fingers curl upwards inside you. "—Oh, right there."

"Yeah?" Minho mutters, and the rasp of his voice—calm and collected and outlined with just the tiniest bit of ego—is so hot you can't stop yourself from clenching around his fingers.

"And what's not fair, exactly?"

The answer to that question is so easy it is laughable. The words are on the tip of your tongue, ready to spill over: it's not fair that you are so weak for him. That just one look melts you into a puddle, that just one touch sets you alight.

It's not fair that you can't resist him no matter how hard you try (and oh, have you tried.)

Instead, your response is only one word.

"You."

The single syllable slips from your lips right as Minho lays an open mouthed kiss on your pulse point, tugging your hair to the side and baring your neck to him for better access.

His mouth is wet and hot and he flicks his tongue out against your neck. You bite your lip and inhale but remain silent otherwise.

A moment later, he licks a long stripe down your feverish skin in retaliation.

"Really?" Minho raises a brow, his words vibrating against the curve of your throat. "Should I stop, then?"

Inside of you, his fingers come to a painful halt. The loss of movement is visceral, but you are determined to make sure he doesn't know just how frustrated you are, and so you bite your lip hard to remain silent.

"Doesn't matter to me," you say breathlessly.

If this had been a few weeks ago, you probably would have already been begging him to fuck you however he wanted to. If this had been a few weeks ago, your mind would have been blank and your senses would have been overloaded.

But it's not. By now, you've hooked up with Minho countless times—by now, you are in so deep that you aren't willing to (can't) let him know just how much of an effect he has on you.

And so, resolutely, you remain silent.

Still...

You can just imagine how the two of you look right now. Minho, pressing you against the wall in this dark corridor, his body flush against you, his fingers inside you, his mouth against your neck.

Your hands are clinging to his shoulders, your skirt is flipped up, and your skin is so flushed from pleasure and pain both that you think you might pass out soon if he doesn't hurry up.

It's lewd, the way that the image only makes the whole thing hotter. Especially when you weren't supposed to end up like this in the first place.

Downstairs, you can hear the muffled thump of some awful EDM music from the party below. You are supposed to be down there. Today was supposed to be the day when you—finally—were able to think with your head instead of your pussy and actually, truly, be strong enough to resist Lee Minho.

But then he walked into the party with his mischievous smirk and those sinfully tight vinyl pants that he knows you love, and, well... You were a goner.

You didn't even try to resist when, a few hours later, he grabbed you by the wrist and dragged you up the stairs. Not when he pushed you up against the wall and pressed his lips against yours, and definitely not when he hiked your skirt up and slid two fingers inside of you.

It was pathetic, how easily Minho could get you to fold. His hold over you was rapturous, and frankly, rather worrying, considering that the two of you were nothing more than friends that fucked sometimes.

"Doesn't matter?" Minho asks. The look on his face is a familiar one, and the competitive gleam sends a shiver of anticipation down your spine.

The two fingers inside of you remain frozen, but then he lifts his thumb and without warning, presses hard on your clit.

"Oh."

You are unable to stop the breathy moan that slips past your lips, and the satisfied curve of his mouth lets you know that he definitely heard it.

"Hmmm," he muses, and then his fingers are moving once again. His thumb remains on your clit, rubbing tight and precise circles until you see you stars.

Despite your best efforts, your breathing stutters, coming out faster and deeper as pleasure branches outwards through your body.

"I think it does," Minho breathes in your ear.

"No-oh," you shake your head.

His smirk widens as your eyes begin to droop. You don't even have to know what you look like to know you look absolutely fucked out right now—but the longer he continues his skillful ministrations, the less you find yourself caring about standing your ground.

He is just so good with his hands. He smells perfect and feels perfect and is perfect, and the closer he brings you to your orgasm, the less it seems to matter that you have feelings for the man knuckles deep inside of you.

"Are you gonna cum for me, baby?" He asks, and the goading curve of his voice makes the words sound like a taunt, like a challenge.

Stubbornly, you refuse to submit.

"M-maybe," you breathe out.

By now, you are gripping his forearms for support, and his hand in your hair drops to your waist, pulling you even closer to you while simultaneously supporting some of your weight. Underneath you, his fingers continue to work you open with precision that has your thighs quavering.

"And what if I don't want you to cum?" Minho meets your unwavering gaze with his own, moving his thumb quicker against your clit still.

The words are a cruel suggestion, and yet accompanied with the heated look in his eyes, they send a shot of arousal straight to your core. You clench around his fingers once more, and he inhales sharply.

"I-I'll find someone else t-to help, then," you say, but the words hold no real threat. You and Minho both know that you would never, and yet his gaze still narrows at the thought.

"I don't think so," he coos, his dark eyes an unmistakable juxtaposition to his sweet tone.

And then his lips are on yours, devouring you in a messy kiss that is mostly tongue, but some teeth too. The passion in the kiss takes your breath away, and your brain short circuits as his fingers speed up, hooking upwards just right to brush against your spongy g-spot.

Simultaneously, his mouth trails down from the corner of your lips to the column of your neck, and the sensation overload is too much for you. This time, despite your best efforts, you can't stop the moan that slips past your lips.

"Who else can make you feel this good, hmm?" Minho asks, punctuating his words with a particularly vicious thrust of his fingers.

You can tell your high is cresting closer and closer, and the sheer pleasure makes it hard for you to find your words.

His teeth nip at your neck, sucking a deep purple bruise into your skin as the pad of his thumb continues to rub hard and fast against your clit.

"Answer me," Minho says lowly.

You shake your head instead, your teeth digging into your bottom lip as a whine builds in the back of your throat.

"I asked you a question, Y/N." His voice is dangerous, the threat clear when he digs his thumb unforgivingly against you.

"N-No one," you choke out, clenching around his fingers once more. "Only... O-only you."

"That's what I thought."

He is satisfied by your answer, if the movement of his fingers are anything to go off of.

"M-Minho," you pant, your eyelids sliding fully shut. "I-I—"

"Fuck," he groans under his breath, the wet sound of his fingers getting louder and louder.

"I'm s-so close," you whimper.

"I know, baby." His voice sounds strangled, and the thought of how hot he must look right now is the only thing that gives you the strength to open your eyes.

Minho's brow is furrowed in concentration, his face drawn taut as he continues to work his fingers in and out of you. The determination inscribed on his face is even hotter than you imagined it would be. Even outside of the bedroom, it is one of your favorite things about him.

The reminder of it now, however, makes this—a simple quickie at some random party—somehow feel that much more intimate, and it sends a weird pang through your chest.

"Come for me," he whispers then, his voice uncharacteristically soft as he looks up at you with his wide, blown-out brown eyes.

And that—that is what finally sends you over the edge.

"Mmph!" With a muffled whimper, your orgasm hits you, and Minho groans unabashedly at the clenching of your walls around him.

His fingers fuck you through your high, and the entire time, his eyes remain firmly on yours. The desire in his gaze is evident even through the haze of bliss, but there is an undercurrent of something more there, too—something that you don't quite pick up until the after effects of the orgasm have worn off and he is sliding his fingers out of you.

There is something tender about the way he sets you down gently, smoothing your skirt down and patting your hair until it looks less like he finger-fucked you in a dark hallway and more like he was trying to show you where the bathroom is.

But when you look up at him, his face is blank, and you are reminded once again that this isn't special, that he has probably done this countless times before. After all, Minho could have anyone he wanted—in fact, he probably has at some point.

The arrangement between the two of you is just convenient, and there isn't anything more to it. Not for him, anyways. In this equation, you are the sole outlier, the only actual problem.

"Can I..." Your voice trails off, hoarse and slightly awkward in the muffled silence of the hallway.

Your eyes are glued to Minho, watching as he adjusts himself in his pants.

"Can I help you with that?"

You already know the answer before he says it.

"Nah, 'm good," he says easily, a loose smirk on his lips as he runs a hand through his hair. If it wasn't for his blown-out pupils, you would have thought that you didn't affect him at all.

Still, your heart drops to the bottom of your stomach anyways.

His words echo inside your head, and you're sure that he must have figured out the way you feel about him. When you first started sleeping together, Minho had been obsessed with your mouth. Nothing quite got him off the way that you, on your knees in front of him did.

But recently, he has been staunchly rejecting your advances, and you can't think of an answer for why, except one: that he must know that you are in love with him, and he doesn't quite know how to let you down easy.

And, despite how much the thought hurts, you can't quite blame him for it. After all, when you both started this whole thing months ago—on a night with a few too many shots and a scandalously tight dress—the terms had been clear: that this was just sex, nothing more.

You and Minho had never been particularly close; in fact, before you started fucking, you were barely friends. You just happened to run in the same circles, and your best friends somehow ended up also being his best friends.

That is exactly why, after the first time you slept together, the first thing you agreed on was that things would end the moment feelings got involved. Anything that compromised your mutual friendships wasn't worth it, you both concluded.

Except, somehow, feelings got involved for you anyways, and you didn't do anything to stop it.

Which is why, after all this time of shoving down how you feel about Minho, you are left with only one choice.

"Minho," you say quietly after a moment. "I think we should stop doing this."

He pauses where he is straightening out his shirt, his hands frozen in place on the hem of his top. A moment passes. Two.

Then he looks up at you, his expression painfully devoid of any emotion.

Here is the thing: Lee Minho has always been a mystery to you, impossible to read in most circumstances, and difficult to unravel in the rest. But throughout the past few months, you thought you were slowly worming your way past his hard exterior, maybe even learning the puzzle pieces that consist of the real him.

The impassive look on his face, however, tells you otherwise.

And then, finally, he opens his mouth and simply says, "okay."

It is just a single word. One straightforward, lonely word.

And yet, it feels like an arrow through your chest. Your reaction is physical, visceral, as goosebumps trail down your arms and the blood thrums viciously through your ears.

This is what you wanted. This is what you needed—to end things right here, before you could fall any deeper, and for Minho to accept it with no questions at all.

This is what you wanted... So why does it feel like your heart has been cracked in two?

Maybe the third bottle of soju wasn't the brightest idea.

Maybe letting Jisung bully you into coming out tonight, after endless days spent moping alone, wasn't the brightest idea.

Maybe, in fact, fucking Lee Minho and then promptly falling in love with him wasn't the brightest idea.

Then again, you never were one for bright ideas. That is why it is no surprise that, two weeks after you end things with Minho, you find yourself shoved between Felix and Jisung at your favorite barbecue place as you down yet another shot.

The alcohol-induced haze of the night blurs the edges of your vision and your face sports a healthy, fuzzy flush, but no amount of alcohol is enough for you to ignore the elephant in the room with you.

The elephant being, of course, Lee Minho himself.

You had been proud of how diligently you managed to avoid him over the past week. Sure, it is kind of hard to run into a person when you hardly leave your bedroom, but still, the fact stood: you hadn't seen Minho since the party. It had been wishful thinking, hoping that you would be able to avoid him forever.

And yet, you still didn't think it would happen this soon. You hoped beyond all hope that you would be able to avoid seeing him for at least however long it would take for you to sort out your stupid little feelings for him. Then, things could go back to normal. Or, at least as normal as things could be.

The scheme was perfect, too—you and Minho had never been friends anyways, so it wouldn't be suspicious if you two suddenly weren't on speaking terms anymore. And none of your friends knew about the arrangement (aka fucking each others brains out) so it wouldn't make much of a difference to them now that it was over.

Except, in your endless consideration of how to navigate the aftermath, you forgot to take into account one very important factor: Han Jisung.

And perhaps it was stupid of you to think that Minho wouldn't be here tonight. But when Jisung basically dragged you out of your apartment, telling you that the guys were already at the restaurant waiting—well, you missed actual human interaction just enough to forget that wherever Jisung goes, so does Minho.

Which is how you ended up here—sat as far away from Minho as humanly possible, absorbed in some conversation with Felix about his most recent gaming obsession.

"Okay, that's enough of that," Jisung declares drunkenly, his eyes narrowed in on you.

His cheeks sport a warm flush, and his jacket has been abandoned on the back of his chair. The exposed biceps tell you one thing: he's well on his way to full-on drunk mode. If you were a little less absorbed in your own despair, you would have been worried about where he was going to end the night; but you aren't, and so all you can do is raise an eyebrow at him.

"When are you going to tell me what's been going on with you?"

"What do you mean?" You ask, your voice sounding much more level than you feel.

"Something's been off lately," Jisung frowns, "and I was trying to be a good friend, y'know, waiting for you to come to me first and tell me what it is, but it's been weeks!"

"Off?" You laugh awkwardly.

"Off?" Jisung mocks, his face scrunching up as he glares at you. "Yes, off! What the fuck is going on with you?"

"Nothing, Ji," you roll your eyes.

And then, because you can't help it, your eyes drift over to Minho. It is only for a split second, but his attention is focused completely on his food and he doesn't notice.

Not for the first time tonight, your heart clenches.

"I don't believe you," Jisung declares.

"Work's just been a bitch," you sigh. "But seriously, I'm fine. A little tired, but that's all..."

His expression twists in distrust, but there must be something written on your face that even he recognizes, because he decides not to push it any further.

That, or he's reached the point of the night where he starts to lose object permanence and he simply can't see your face anymore.

"Lee Minho, I didn't know you still remembered us," A boisterous voice drags the attention away from you.

Hyunjin, another one of your mutual friends, stumbles over to where Minho is, a bottle in his hands and a playful pout plastered across his face.

"Sorry, who are you?" Minho grins at him, and it is both the first time you have heard him speak and the first time you have seen him smile in two weeks.

It should be criminal, the way your heart flutters at such a simple act.

"Shut up," Hyunjin flops down in the empty chair next to him. "Feels like I haven't seen you in forever."

You want to look away, but it's the first time that Minho has glanced up all night, and now that Jisung's attention has been captured by Changbin, you find that you simply cannot.

"It's been, like, a week," Minho points out.

"It's been two, actually," Hyunjin complains. "You cancelled dinner with me last Friday, so we haven't seen each other since Chan's party."

Minho is silent for a moment. You wonder if he's thinking about what happened at that party—if he's thinking about the dark hallway, his fingers inside of you. If he's thinking about you at all.

He barely even takes a breath, and you think for a moment that he might finally turn and look at you.

But then, the corner of his mouth turns upwards in a smirk.

"I didn't know you were this obsessed with me, Hwang," he teases. "If you want my attention, all you have to do is ask."

"Shut up," Hyunjin says again. "Stop it, I'm mad at you! You barely even said hi to me that night before you disappeared to God knows where. Where's the love and appreciation for your friends, huh? What do you have to say for yourself?"

"When has Minho ever apologized for ditching you for a girl?" Seungmin interrupts from a few chairs down.

A scandalized gasp escapes Hyunjin's lips and your eyes shoot down to the table immediately, embarrassment searing through you.

Nobody knows that you are the girl Seungmin is talking about, and yet you can't help but feel like he has just turned on a glaring spotlight and shined it directly onto you.

Before you can think twice, you pour yourself another shot and throw it back.

"You abandoned me for sex?" Hyunjin screeches, smacking his arm.

"I did not," Minho denies.

And, well, technically it's true. After all, it wasn't anything more than a little fingering in a dark hallway.

"Yeah," Seungmin snorts. "That's why he didn't come home until the next morning."

Or... is it true?

Just because he didn't have sex with you doesn't mean that he didn't have sex at all...

Maybe, in fact, after you left him high and dry, he decided to try his luck with someone else. It wouldn't have been hard to find someone willing—not when he's Lee fucking Minho.

The thought of him caring so little about you makes your stomach turn violently. You were never exclusive, so he was never obligated to only hook up with you, and yet you find that you can't stomach the idea that he chose someone else anyways. That he didn't even hesitate after you ended things pierces you like a bullet, and your next few breaths come out shallow.

This time, you can't stop yourself from staring at him. You're waiting for him to deny it—waiting for him to tell Seungmin to stop fucking around, for him to say something, anything.

Instead, he remains painfully silent, which is all the answer you need.

"You bitch," Hyunjin says, but his voice fades into the background as you try to process the slew of emotions this revelation brings.

And then, for the first time all night, Minho looks up at you.

It's just for a second, if even that, but it is enough to push you over the edge. His buttery gaze is just as it always is—wide and curious, and you feel like you can't breathe.

Abruptly, you push your chair back and stand up.

"What...?" Jisung slurs through his drunken haze, a confused sort of concern on his face.

"I need some air," you tell him. "Feeling a little stuffy in here."

"Want me to come with?" He offers immediately, but the way he sways in his seat makes you wonder if he's even capable of standing, let alone walking.

"I'm fine," you assure him. "I'll be back in a few."

And then, before someone can stop you, or worse, before you implode, you stride towards the exit of the restaurant.

Despite being the middle of summer, the outside air is surprisingly cool. The low buzz of the city at night normally calms you, yet you find yourself feeling only slightly less suffocated than you had only moments before.

Your mind is as it has been for the past few months: occupied by thoughts of the one person you've been trying so desperately to forget.

God, you wish someone would knock some sense into you.

What's so special about Lee Minho, anyways? It's not fair that just one look at him sends your heart racing and your mind spiraling, that just one look from him makes you wish the ground would swallow you whole...

With a sigh you slide down into a squat, gripping the strap of your purse tightly as you take a deep breath.

You didn't think that you had drank that much, but the sudden movement has your head spinning. Your brain feels squeezed tight, your skull feels stuffed with cotton balls, and when you blink slowly, the world looks a degree warmer than it had before.

"You okay there?"

And of course, you have reached the point of drunkness where the familiar timbre of his voice that has haunted your dreams for the past few weeks is now haunting your every waking moment.

Two and a half soju bottles must be just the correct amount for your brain to conjure up an image of Lee Minho for you.

"Go away," you mutter, annoyed that even your subconscious was unable to let go of him.

"No thank you."

"You're talking too much," you pout. "I don't like it."

"Sorry," fake-Minho responds with a laugh, and you pout even more thinking about how real-Minho would have laughed at you if he could see you too.

"You should be," you say.

You sway where you are squatting, caught off guard by how light you feel. Alcohol has always had a tendency to exacerbate your clumsiness, and, well—let's just say your sense of balance isn't that good to begin with.

"Woah," fake-Minho says, and then a hand is on your back, steadying you.

"Seriously, are you okay? Should I get you water or something?"

"What...?"

It takes a moment for the warmth of his skin to register. Almost belatedly, your gaze snaps upwards to the man towering over you.

Because right there, looking as perfect as he always has, the real Minho stares down at you, concern furrowed between the ridges of his brow.

"O-Oh my god," you scramble backwards.

Embarrassment colors your cheeks even as Minho bends down to your level. He reaches for you, as if to offer assistance, but at the last moment pulls away.

"Y/N," hesitancy drips from his voice, and it kills you just how delicious your name sounds falling from his lips.

"I-I'm fine!" You insist, suddenly feeling more sober than you had only moments ago.

Somehow, in your rush to get away from him, you manage to push yourself up from the ground without his help. Your back feels exceptionally cold and you try to ignore the absence of his touch as you stand up straight.

"Okay," Minho says, his voice level as he pushes himself up too.

A moment of silence passes as you try to calm your racing heart. What, exactly, is the correct way to act when interacting with a former fuck buddy who you just so happen to be hopelessly in love with? You would love to know the answer to that.

"S-So," your voice comes out shrill and you wince. "How have you been?"

"Good," Minho nods. "What about you?"

"Yeah, me too."

A crisp breeze ripples through the night air and your grip on your purse tightens.

You can't look at Minho—even the thought of it is overwhelming, and so your gaze focuses on the street as cars pass by. Inside the restaurant, a round of laughter trickles out to you. You wish you were there with them.

"I—" You begin, your brain desperately scheming for ways to get as far away from Minho as quickly as possible.

"That night," he clears his throat, interrupting you. "After you—left. I didn't... I didn't hook up with anyone else."

Far away, the angry sound of a car horn reaches your ears.

"Right," you nod, not really understanding the words coming out of his mouth. "Um. You don't need to, like, justify yourself."

It's a herculean effort to keep your tone steady, to try and sound uninterested even as your stomach turns violently.

"I just wanted you to know that," Minho says, his dark eyes focused on you.

"Okay."

Why is he telling you this? You want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. You want to yell at him until he leaves you alone. You want to pull him close and beg him to kiss you.

Instead, you roll your shoulders back and purse your lips.

"Well," you try to make yourself sound more cheery than you feel. "It was nice seeing you. I think I'm going to go home now—woah!"

Your efforts to seem cool and collected are ruined when you take a step forward on wobbly knees that decide now is the perfect time to give out. And of course, in a horrible stroke of luck, Minho somehow manages to anticipate your stumble before it happens.

In only a split second, he's right in front of you, wrapping an arm around your waist to steady you.

"Are you okay?" He asks, concern shining in his eyes.

You waste no time in shoving him off of you, brushing his question off.

"Well, let me take you home at least," Minho says finally.

"No!" You exclaim sharply. "I'll be fine on my own!"

He raises a brow. "Really?"

"Yes," you insist. "Jisung can take me home. You don't have to worry."

"Don't be silly," Minho rolls his eyes. "Jisung is so drunk he can't even stand."

One glance into the restaurant is all the confirmation you need to know he is telling the truth. At the table, Jisung is slumped over and can barely lift his head, even as Changbin continues to badger him.

"Just let me walk you home. Please? If not for your sake, then for mine," Minho implores.

His earnestness is clear, and it is like he knows that you have never been able to say no to him—that, likely, you never will.

"...Fine," you say finally.

Minho's shoulders sag in relief, and the tentative half smile that forms on his face is enough to take your breath away.

You turn quickly, determined not to let yourself spiral any deeper.

The only saving grace of the night is that Jisung, in all his glorious idiocy, actually chose a restaurant close to your apartment. Minho remains quiet the entire seven minute walk back, maintaining a precise pace exactly half a step behind you.

Every time you stumble (more than you care to admit), his hand hovers over your back, ready to catch you, but other than that, it is like he isn't even there.

The alcohol running through your veins makes the journey simultaneously quick and also horribly, painfully long. You can't tell if you have been walking for ten minutes or for ten hours by the time you finally arrive in the lobby of your apartment building.

"Well," you say awkwardly. "Thanks... for walking me home."

"Of course," Minho nods. "Text me when you get up?"

"Right."

That's not going to happen because the first thing you did after you ended things with him was block his number, but you don't tell him that.

The walk towards the elevator is excruciating because of the way his eyes bore holes into your back. All you want to do is turn around, just for one last look at him.

A deep breath leaves you when you remain resolute, and you press the button for the elevator. Except, where it would usually light up, it remains dark.

You press again, and then one more time. Dread rises in your stomach, and when you look up, a big red-lettered "out of service" sign greets you.

"Fuck."

"What's wrong?" Minho asks.

"Elevator's broken," you squeeze out, pinching the bridge of your nose.

A sense of panic swells inside of you—how are you supposed to get home now? You could barely walk here. Climbing the four flights of stairs to your apartment seems the wrong side of possible.

Minho reaches the same conclusion at the same time. His gaze lingers on the elevator and then to you as you chew on your lip, contemplating how long it would take you to sober up like this.

Then he crouches down next to you.

"What—?" You begin, noticing the way he hunches over.

"Get on."

Your jaw drops.

"N-No—"

"Are you going to be difficult again," he sighs, craning his neck to look at you. "Or are you going to listen to me and get on?"

If you were a little less drunk, or if his gaze had been a little less piercing, maybe you would have been able to refuse.

Instead, you purse your lips tightly and you do as he says, wrapping your arms around his neck.

"Good," he says, his tone soft and satisfied.

Even in your drunk haze, the single word sends electricity through your entire being. Trying to ignore it, you rest your cheek against his back and relish the feeling of his warmth.

Minho adjusts his grip on your legs, pulling them closer so they wrap around his hips, and the reminder of just how strong he is doesn't do anything to help your situation.

While keeping your distance from him, you were able to deny the visceral effect Lee Minho has on you. In your lowest moments, you were even able to fool yourself into thinking you never cared about him in the first place.

But with him this close, with the scent of him in your knows and the heat of him underneath you, it's undeniable. The soju in your brain and the man carrying you up the stairs to your apartment are confusing enough to cross the wires in your brain.

The only thing you know clearly enough is that you want to hold on tightly and never let go. Your eyelids slide shut, and you decide to savor this moment—no matter how short it is.

"Y/N," Minho murmurs, coming to a stop. "Where are your keys?"

"Purse..." You mumble, not making any move to grab them.

You feel the sensation of him reaching behind, rummaging through your bag, and then the click of a lock echoes.

Beneath your cheek, the soft sound of his breath is like a lullaby. In, out, in, out.

A door opens and then closes, and the familiar scent of your apartment invades your senses. You burrow further into Minho's neck, clinging onto the fading scent of him.

His breath stutters, but you hardly notice as a hum of contentment bubbles up in your chest.

Another door opens and the sound of bare feet padding across carpet fills the room. Then the soft cushion of your mattress appears beneath your legs as he lowers you onto your bed.

"You've got to let go of me," Minho whispers when you cling onto him.

You shake your head, squinting into the darkness of the room. Only a small lamp illuminates the space, casting a warm glow across his face as he looks down at you.

"C'mon," he coaxes, gently prying your fingers apart.

Too hypnotized by the tenderness of his expression, you let him unwrap your arms from around him and lay you down. Your eyes remain on him as he fluffs your pillow and pushes it under your head, before pulling your blanket over you.

Your hand wraps around the edge of the duvet as he trails out of your room. The sound of him rummaging around in the kitchen echoes, then the sound of the tap, and finally Minho appears again.

Your heartbeat kickstarts again at the sight of him, and you want to kick yourself. You feel light and floaty as exhaustion sets in and your eyelids grow heavier. Still, you keep them open, if only to stare at him for a little bit longer.

"I'm going to leave some water here for you," Minho says. "Make sure to drink it."

"Uh huh."

He looks like an angel as he speaks to you, his voice soft.

"Text me or call me if you need anything."

"Yup." The words go in one ear and out the other as you find yourself enraptured by the curve of his jaw, the swoop of his hair, the swell of his lips.

He lifts his hand, as if reaching towards you, but freezes. The cogs in his brain whir almost loud enough for you to hear, even as he slowly lowers his hand again.

"Well..." Minho says, taking half a step back. "Good night."

He turns around and your heart stops. You hardly think as you reach out, your hand wrapping around his wrist.

"Don't go."

He seizes, as if your word have struck every crevice of his body.

"What?"

"Can't you..." you mumble as a strange ache hollows out your chest. "Can you stay with me?"

"Y/N..."

"I know I'm the one who said we should stop..." You whisper. "But... Just this once."

"You're drunk," he says softly, his back still towards you.

"Please?"

He inhales a deep, shuddering breath that wracks his entire frame.

"I'm not going to fuck you while you're drunk," he says tightly.

The words pierce your heart, send a cold chill through your veins as you process them.

"I—no," your voice cracks. "That's not what I meant."

"What did you mean, then?"

"I'm cold," you whisper instead.

"I'll bring you a blanket."

"Minho..." His name falls from your lips like a plea.

The room freezes for a moment and you can hear his breaths as clearly as if your cheek was still pressed against his back.

Blood thrums through your ears—you shouldn't have asked him that. You shouldn't have said anything, really, but the alcohol...

Well, now you aren't even sure you can blame your actions on that.

The silence swells, a tidal wave just waiting to break, and right as you are about to take your words back, Minho turns around to face you. His face is a watercolor mural of uncertainty and something else you can't quite place.

Still, he takes a deep breath and slowly walks towards the other side of the bed. When he sits down and stretches his legs out, his movements are almost robotic. His body remains stiff and on top of the duvet.

Your breath hitches a moment later when he lays his arm hesitantly over your waist. It barely touches you, as if he is making a conscious effort to hold it up.

"Better?"

You nod.

The duvet is thick enough that if you try hard, you can pretend like this isn't as intimate as it seems. You can pretend that you can't feel his body heat radiating onto your skin, you can pretend that you don't notice the irregular staccato of his breathing, you can pretend that you didn't just ask him to stay with you. You can pretend that he didn't listen.

But as you hear to the light hum of your heater in the corner, you know that you can't pretend that this isn't the most alive you have felt in weeks.

"I missed you," you breathe out.

"You can't say things like that," Minho says, voice barely there.

"I—"

"You're going to get my hopes up," he murmurs. "And that's mean."

"What?"

He sighs.

"Go to sleep."

"Minho..."

He doesn't respond. You wait, your heart stuck in your throat, to see if he will say anything else. But as the minutes pass and his breathing evens out, the room remains quiet. And even though you don't want to listen to him, even though his words play over and over in your head, eventually you can't deny the pull of sleep that drags you under, too.

A pounding headache snatches you from the deep throes of sleep. When you open your eyes, bright rays of sunlight burn the back of your eyelids and you can't quite remember what you did last night to put you in such an abysmal state.

A glance down at your clothes confirms that when you arrived home, you must have been too drunk to change. Which, now that you think about it... How exactly did you get home last night?

Your head swims when you push yourself up, eyes barely open as you shuck off your current attire in favor of your comfy clothes—aka an oversized shirt that you might have stolen from Minho a few weeks ago and your favorite fuzzy socks.

All you can think about is the Tylenol calling your name from the medicine cabinet as you walk out of your room. The only plus side to your current state is that your roommate isn't here to see how horrible you look.

The pounding in your ears is loud enough to drown out the sizzling coming from the kitchen, strong enough for you to not notice the smell of eggs wafting from the stove.

Unfortunately, it is not potent enough to erase the man standing with your favorite apron wrapped around his waist as he points a spatula at you.

"Good morning."

A surprised yelp leaves your lips as you make eye contact with Minho.

“W-What?”

“I made breakfast.” He says it like its the most normal thing for him to be standing in your apartment, cooking for you.

“…Why are you here?”

He stares at you. “Do you not remember last night?”

Your brow furrows as you think back on the night before. The last thing you remember was taking a step outside of the restaurant to get a breath of fresh air, and then—

Your mouth falls open as the memories flood back—of Minho walking you home, putting you to bed, and…

“You stayed?”

The words come out small and he shrugs.

“You asked me to.”

Your mouth gapes and your stomach turns as you struggle (and fail) to process his words. “But…”

“Sit.” 

Minho takes you by the shoulders and steers you towards the barstool, pushing you down into a seat. You are just disoriented enough to not protest, taking the food of plate he puts in front of you without words.

Your heart flutters when you look down to see he has cooked your eggs just the way you liked them, without even having to ask you. 

“What is this?” You ask faintly.

“Breakfast,” Minho says. “Obviously.”

“No, I mean—” you stutter, but he shushes you.

“Eat first,” he tells you firmly. “You look like you’re about to pass out.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“I’m not the one who told you drink so much last night,” he tuts. 

Your lips press together. The reason you were drinking was because of him, but you aren’t sure that’s the best thing to say right now. 

“Eat,” he stresses again. “We’ll talk after.”

“Fine.”

You pick up the fork, torn between threatening him with it or digging into the food he made. In the end, your stomach makes the decision for you when it rumbles loudly. It is slightly uncomfortable the way that he watches you as you eat, but you are so hungry and hungover that the attention eventually fades to the periphery of your awareness as you scarf down the food faster than you probably should.

“Happy?” You ask, setting the fork down.

He nods, taking your plate and putting it in the sink.

“Great. So, about that talk?”

Minho shrugs his shoulder noncommittally, his back facing you as he turns the faucet on and reaches for the dish sponge. He looks so domestic washing your dishes that your stomach clenches.

“Minho,” you push yourself up, walking around the counter to close the distance between you and him.

“Yes?”

“Why are you still here?”

“Is that how you thank someone who just made you breakfast?”

“Stop deflecting,” you say.

“I’m not.”

“Then why are you still here?”

“I already told you.”

You are barely a few feet away from him and he still won’t look at you.

“We aren’t…” you hesitate. “We’re not anything.”

“Believe me, I know,” he mutters.

“Stop acting like this,” you sigh. “Can you answer my question?”

Minho turns off the tap and places the plate on your drying rack.

“What do you want me to say?” He asks finally. 

“The truth, maybe?” You let out, annoyed.

“Really?”

“Yes, really!”

“You want me to tell you that even though it’s only been two weeks since I last saw you, it feels like it’s been forever?”

His words hit you like a punch in the stomach.

“W-What?”

Minho turns around, running a hand through his hair. He still refuses to look at you, but now that you can see his face, you can see the way his expression pinches as he continues on.

“Or that waking up next to you this morning was like a breath of fresh air? That I want to cook you breakfast every day and take you on dates all the time, and tell all our friends about us, and even do cringey things like take those stupid overpriced photobooth pictures because I know how much you like them? That I want to be embarrassing and irritating and overly affectionate with you because I really like you and it kills me that you don’t feel the same way?”

Your jaw drops. Blood thrums through your ears, your head pounds for a reason entirely different than your hangover from last night, and you think your heart might jump out of your throat.

Over the course of the past few months, you have seen Minho in countless compromising positions, but never has he looked more vulnerable than he does now. The rawness of his expression floors you.

And then he takes a deep breath, and the look is gone, his face oddly blank.

“Sorry,” he says, his voice level and controlled. “I didn’t mean to…”

He purses his lips, and you notice his fingers turning white as his digs his nails into his palms. When he notices you looking, he quickly hides his hands behind his back.

“I’m sorry,” Minho repeats. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, I meant to keep that to myself—”

“Do you mean it?” You interrupt.

“—What?”

Your words catch him off guard, and for the first time, he turns to look at you. His eyes are wide and confused as they snag on your face.

“Do you mean all that?” You whisper.

He looks at you—really looks at you—and then, candidly, he says, “yes.”

A moment of silence lapses, and then you burst into laughter.

“Oh my god,” you huff. “We’re both so fucking stupid.”

And then, you take a step towards him, wrap your arms around his neck, and pull his lips down to yours.

He doesn’t move, frozen as you press your mouth against him, his hands frozen at his side. And then, a small noise escapes him and he melts into the kiss, his lips working deliciously against yours. His hands press into your waist, pulling you closer to him.

“W-Wait,” he pants, breaking the kiss.

“I—I can’t do this,” Minho says, taking a step away from you. “You said you wanted to end it, I-I don’t want to feel pressured—”

“Minho,” you sigh. “The only reason I ended things is because I liked you too much. I was literally on the verge of confessing any time you even looked at me.”

This time, it’s his turn to look at you with surprise on his face.

“Seriously?”

“Why do you think I was drinking so much last night?” You ask sarcastically.

“…We really are stupid,” he sighs, and then his mouth is on you again. 

This time, he kisses you gently, tenderly. His hands lift to cup your jaw and his lips move slowly against you, sensual in the way they suck and lick against your mouth. Underneath you, your legs turn to jelly and a small moan slips through as his tongue works its way into your mouth. 

“M-Minho—” you gasp when he nips at your tongue, his teeth grazing your bottom lip in a way that sends arousal flooding your core.

“I missed you,” his words come out muffled against your mouth. 

“Mmm,” you hum in agreement against his lips. He presses further into you, crowding you back until the countertop presses against your spine.

The two of you are chest to chest, bodies flush against each other as he devours you, the kiss going from sensual to downright carnal as Minho kisses you as if he needs it to breathe. A moan worms its way out of you when you feel the way his dick, hard through his pants, rubs against your stomach.

“Y-You’re so—” you gasp, pulling back from his mouth. “Already worked up, just from a kiss?”

“I’ve been hard since you walked out here in nothing but my shirt,” he says as you catch your breath.

“Well,” you bat your eyelashes, your fingers playing with the zipper of his pants. “Why don’t you let me help with that?”

“Fuck,” he hisses through his teeth as you slide down to your knees.

His pupils dilate at the visual of you below him, and a positively delicious groan escapes his lips when you nuzzle your face against his bulge.

“Yes, please,” he breathes. 

You unzip his pants dangerously slowly, relishing the way that he watches you with such intensity. Your mouth waters at the thought of his cock, and you swear just the visual of it when you pull him out of his pants is enough to soak your panties.

A finger runs against his slit, light touches collecting his precum on your finger, and he hisses at the feeling. Your eyes stay glued to his when you push the finger into your mouth, swirling your tongue around it. The taste of him is familiar and has you moaning against your finger.

“Don’t be such a tease,” he grits out. “Your mouth…”

“You’re the one who has spent the last month rejecting my mouth,” you pout. “And now you want it?”

“God,” he groans. “Because I knew if I had my cock in your mouth, I would have told you in three seconds flat how I feel about you.”

“Hmm…” You feign disinterest, even as your thighs clench together.

His jaw tenses, the muscle tightening, and you decide to put him out of his misery. 

You lean forward, placing a kittenish kiss on the head of his cock, and then you suckle him in your mouth, taking inch by torturous inch down your throat until you have him firmly to the hilt. The press of him against the back of your throat is painful and pleasurable in one, and you moan around him just to tease him.

“Fuck.”

His hand laces through your hair, tugging lightly at your scalp.

When you look up at him through hooded eyes, his tight expression has you pulling back off, your tongue running on the underside of his cock as you go.

“So good,” Minho tells you, and you push yourself further down his length.

He gathers your hair in a ponytail, holding it out of your face for you as you build a slow pace, sucking on the head of his cock every time you pull yourself off. Your eyes remain trained on his face, and you take delight in every minute change of his expression—the furrow of his brow, the bite of his lip, the parting of his mouth.

Curiously, you graze your teeth against him lightly. He groans at the feeling, his hips unintentionally jerking forward, and you smile around his cock.

Your hands rise to grip his thighs, and then you speed up, bobbing your head up and down fast and hard, ignoring the burn in your throat when the head of his cock hits the back.

“Fuck, oh my god,” he moans, his hand tightening in your hair. 

And then, he pulls you off completely, panting as you wipe the spit from the side of your mouth.

“Why’d you do that?” You ask, your voice hoarse.

“You were having a little too much fun,” he says, the words coming out more breathy than he probably intends them to.

“I was,” you agree.

“Well, it’s my turn,” Minho says, and then he pulls you up from the ground, lifting you to place you on the countertop behind you.

“Gotta take care of you too, baby, hmm?” 

Your legs part so that he has enough room to stand in between them, and you nod slowly.

“Yeah…”

“Are you gonna let me?” He asks. “Or are you going to stubborn, like last time?”

Your mind flashes back to the party, to the hallway, to his fingers, to the way that you were trying so hard not to slip up and let him know how obsessed you are with him.

“Take care of me,” you mumble, tugging on the hem of his shirt.

“Of course, baby,” he smiles sweetly at you, pressing a kiss to the crown of your head.

It is a stark juxtaposition to the way that he hooks both of your legs onto his elbows, spreading you further so that your covered cunt is visible to him.

“Hmmm, so wet already?” He teases, running a finger over your soaked panties. You whimper at the feeling of his feather-like touch, leaning back on your elbows to support your weight. 

“I missed you,” you whisper as he continues to feel you over your underwear. 

“I couldn’t tell,” Minho smirks, his thumb rubbing your clothed clit in a way that has you squirming underneath him. 

Your hips lift off of the counter in an attempt to get closer to him, and Minho takes the opportunity to pull your panties off completely. The air against your exposed cunt is cool and sets you on edge, making you starkly aware of how turned on you are.

His thumb comes down on your clit once again, and the feeling is ten times more intense than before. Your hips cant towards him and you moan as he rubs slowly, leisurely, drinking up your reactions.

“I love when you make those noises for me,” Minho says. “Knew you could do it, hmm? Why’d you hide them from me before?”

“C-Couldn’t,” you pant. “Couldn’t let y-you know how much I like you.”

He clicks his tongue.

“You better not hold back right now, baby,” he says, and then his fingers leave you, wrapping around the base of his cock.

You whine when he rubs it against you, his length hot and hard against your wet folds. 

“Ready?”

You nod quickly, a content sigh leaving your lips at the familiar stretch when he pushes into you.

His pace is torturously slow and has you gasping before he even bottoms out. When his length is fully sheathed inside of you, he remains there, staring at your face with wide eyes that have cheeks warming.

“What?” You ask, self-conscious.

“You look so pretty like this,” Minho murmurs, a hand lifting up to smooth down your hair before trailing down to cup your jaw.

The praise has you clenching down on his cock, which in turn has him inhaling sharply.

“You like it when I say nice things to you?” He asks.

You bite your lip and look up at him but don’t answer.

“You’re always so pretty, baby,” he coos, pulling out slightly only to push back in.

Your mouth falls open at the feeling of him inside of you, every line and ridge so easily identifiable because of how slow he moves.

“I like everything about you, hmm,” Minho says, his breathing getting heavier as he repeats the motion until he is rocking into you, his dick brushing against the sensitive bundle of nerves inside of you. “Your voice, your personality, your pussy, you…”

You whine as he presses closer to you so that his face is only inches away from yours. His eyes bore into you as he reaches down and crooks your right leg over his shoulder, spreading you wider. The angle has him hitting deeper than before, and your insides burn with arousal. The slick sound of him inside of you in combination with your whines and his heavy breathing only make it all the more erotic.

“After this,” he pants, his breath fanning out against your face, “will you let me take you out?”

You nod quickly. “Yes, yes, oh.”

His hips snap against you, moving faster in a way that has your eyes rolling back in your head.

“You feel so hot, so good, yeah?” Minho grunts. “Silly girl, thinking that I don’t like you.”

You whimper at his words, rolling your hip upwards to meet his precise thrusts.

“I’m obsessed with you,” he says, kissing your neck. “It’s kind of a problem, actually, fuck.”

You clench down again, a string of breathy moans accompanying the visceral reaction his words have on you.

“You really like that, huh?” He groans, his hips stuttering at the feeling.

“Mhm, I-I really like you,” you whimper. 

“Look at me like that,” he grits out, “and you’re going to make me come.”

“Please,” your eyes glaze over at the idea of the feeling of his cum, warm and wet inside of you, and you roll your hips against him again.

“Fuck, forgot what a cumslut my baby is,” Minho gasps. 

“Min, please,” you whine. 

“Only been a few weeks and you’re still so desperate,” he taunts. “Is this not enough for you?”

“A-Almost—” you moan. “Almost there.”

“Yeah?” He asks. “Gonna come for me?”

You nod. 

“You’re so pretty when you come, god, I love when you come on my cock,” he groans.

Your orgasm is so close you can taste it, and the way that Minho continues to thrust into you hard and deep only eggs it further along. Your toes are tingling, you can barely keep your eyes open, and your core is clenching down so hard on him that you can see stars.

“Come for me baby, hmm?” He coos. “Show me how much you like me.”

All it takes is him leaning down to capture your lips in a searing kiss to push you over the edge. His mouth muffles the drawn out whine that you let out as your walls spasm around him. You aren’t sure how long your orgasm lasts—it feels like it could be minutes or hours, but he continues to fuck you through it, his mouth moving to your ear to mumble praises of how good you’re doing and how amazing you feel until you all but collapse on the counter beneath you, feeling boneless.

“You did so well, baby,” Minho murmurs, his hands gripping your hips as he continues to rock in and out of you slowly.

He is still hard, painfully so, and you can feel him throbbing in your oversensitive cunt.

“M-Min—” you cringe away from him, but his hold on you is firm.

“Think you can take a little bit more, hmm?” He pants.

You whine at the feeling of him inside of you.

“Thought you wanted my cum, baby,” Minho says. You nod your head deliriously, still basking in the afterglow of your orgasm.

“You can give me one more,” he tells you, “it’ll feel good, hm? Being good for me?”

His thumb drifts down to your swollen clit, and your back arches at the pain and pleasure of the direct contact.

“Minho,” you moan, “Oh, please—”

You aren’t sure if you are begging for him to stop or for him to keep going, and the smirk on his face tells you that he knows that. His thumb rubs tight circles on your clit, and you clench down hard on him, feeling another orgasm cresting dangerously close.

“So good,” he sighs, his hips stuttering. “Doing so good for me, baby.”

“Come, please,” you gasp. “Please, please, please.”

Minho’s thrust become sloppier the harder you clench down on him, his breaths coming out in rough pants—yet his thumb remains firmly where it is, rubbing and rubbing until he, dangerously quickly, brings you to your second orgasm.

You cry out as you come again, your hands gripping his wrists tightly as you writhe underneath him.

“Fuck,” he groans, thrusting jerkily into you twice more before pulling out, warm ropes of cum landing on your thighs. 

You watch in blissful satisfaction as he jerks himself off through his orgasm, the veins in his forearm very visible. 

He slumps against you, his forehead pressing against yours, and you smirk at him.

“You missed me that much, huh?”

“Yes,” he sighs. 

“Well, lucky for you, I also missed you a lot.” You press a kiss against his cheek, giggling at the feeling of his hair tickling your face.

“So about that date…” Minho begins. “How long do you think it will take you to get ready?”

You jaw drops. “You wanted to go now?”

He grins. “No time like the present, right?”

if you enjoyed, please don't forget to reblog and leave your feedback/opinions <3 tysm for reading!!!

[meanhore]

oh ma lawd minho, have mercy.

[vvamp3]

☆°. — study me | hhj

genre: smut, fluff

pairing: nerd!hyunjin x afab!reader

wc: 6k

warnings: inexperienced hyunjin, oral (m receiving), protected sex, fast-ish plot progression, strangers to lovers (only roughly proof read)

author's note: @hyunverse and @astraystayyh made me do it (also inspired heavily by rin's post!!!!!) 😚😚😚

He had always been cute, though he surely wasn't aware of it; when he sat in class, dainty glasses by the curve of his nose, he always seemed focused, taking notes with furrowed brows, full attention granted to the professor up front. When he left the lecture hall it was often in lonesome, and hurried; not shy, per se, but quick, and quiet. When people talked to him he was polite, though his shoulders tensed, and a blush crept up his smiling cheeks; not uncomfortable, as far as you could tell, yet visibly not in his element, either — and it all added to his charm. He was smart and aware of it, though he seldom raised his hand, initiated questions. He never corrected professors on their mistakes, never played the know-it-all even though he could. He simply sat in class, day after day, to your right in front of you, and left to go to his next class as quietly as he had entered your mutual one.

You watched Hyunjin walk into the lecture hall, headphones covering his sense of hearing, bag thrown over his shoulder lazily, a subtle lightness in his step. He fixed his glasses with a long, delicate finger before he sat down to prep his desk; placing his laptop in front of him, reducing the brightness before typing away his password, fishing in his bag for his phone right before the professor walked in. Hyunjin was busy taking off the bony headphones before they disappeared in his bag, and a big hand slid through the dark strands of his hair, only needing one movement to fix them into place; after that there seemed to be a click in his demeanour, in his attention. No music in his ears, no phone in his hands; quick fingers that were copying the headline of today's topic which the professor had projected onto the board, concentrated, glasern eyes void of the initial casual leisureness the had entered the classroom with.

It was a little bit of a ritual, watching him in class; you weren't sure if it was creepy, if it made you some sort of pre-version of a stalker, or an obsessed freak. You weren't sure either, if watching him was the reason you were at risk of failing the class, altogether. You were surprised every day anew that no one else was; that Hyunjin seemed to be nearly invisible for most people on campus, left for the few friends he kept with, or the occasional aquaintance he made for group projects before those relationships faded away, due to the lack of its' benefit. Yet even those people didn't seem to be taken by him the way you were, didn't see him the way you did; a striking beauty, hidden beneath a character so quiet and quirky, helpless, almost, that to others he appeared nothing but ordinary. A studious nerd, introverted and awkward; but you didn't want to go through another day without having talked to him. Couldn't, you thought; you needed to initiate a conversation, wanted so bad to hear the sound of his voice, the look of his eyes when the object he was looking at was you.

The professor had announced a group project for today's class, and had, by the end of explaining all about it and before dismissing the class, ordered you to look for partners until the next lesson, to start with first preparations. In your opinion, it was the perfect opportunity to go up to Hyunjin without appearing a freak, or too pushy, or utterly random; you weren't sure he even knew your name, so simply asking for a coffee seemed too finite to you. As expected, while everyone was still packing their bags and talking of weekend plans and just how boring their next class was going to be, Hyunjin had already put on his headphones and was on his way out of the hall, daring to disappear into the crowd of students before your very eyes. You hurried to collect your things before you stumbled down behind him, falling into a slow run to catch up with him. He was tall, quite a bit taller than you, so his struts were fast without being hurried, and you struggled to keep up with him, fighting your way between people before your hand could finally reach his figure, and a finger of yours tapped on his shoulder.

Your touch made him stop in his tracks in a rather confused manner, and he turned around perplexed before locking eyes with you. When you smiled at him expectantly one hand of his freed his right ear from his headphones, and he returned your smile, though only politely, yet not catching what you have stopped him for. The confusion was written in his eyes, and you hurried to clear it up.

"Hey, I'm y/n, from uh, Statistics... we just had this class together."

You looked at Hyunjin, waiting for a response, despite not having cleared up anything at all. He nodded, fixing his bag on his shoulder. You almost got distracted by the veins which ran through his hand when he did that, but you forced yourself to look him in the eyes instead. Brown and deep. You had never noticed before how captivating they were.

"Yeah, I know who you are...", a smile on his lips and you weren't sure what it meant, but there was a deep blush on his cheeks right after, and it made your chest fill with a warmth so sound you simply kept smiling at him.

"Was there anything you needed?" Pure curiosity in his tone, and you wondered how such a smart person could be so foolish. Though it was cute seeing him perplexed, cute seeing a void of his usual intelligence within his eyes.

You cleared your throat and fixed your bag yourself, before nodding up at him. You had never stood this close to him, had never noticed just how tall he was.

"I wondered if you wanted to be my partner for the group project thing. I'm not really good at statistics, so I wanted to pair up with someone who could... help me. In a way."

Hyunjin blushed deeper at that, and the fist around the strap of his bag tightened. He gulped visibly, Adam’s apple bobbing before his eyes lost yours suddenly, and he nodded, stuttering a little when he spoke.

"Uh, yeah, for sure. I, uh, I'm not really, like, sure if I can help much, I'm not a great teacher, but, uhm-", he looked at you, and you simply reciprocated his gaze; he blushed yet a little harder, fixed his glasses with a clumsy finger, and gave you a shy smile, "but, yeah. I'll be your partner."

☆.☆.☆

It was a Saturday night, and it felt strange not sitting in front of the mirror to apply some make-up, or get a decent outfit ready to wear to a night out with your friends. Instead, your old bag was thrown carelessly over your shoulder and the steps you took on the glistening asphalt were taking you to Hyunjin’s dorm, to study and work on the project with him at seven in the afternoon. Not what you normally busied yourself with, not on a weekend, but you hadn’t been this excited over a Saturday night plan in a good while. The day prior, Hyunjin had been ready to leave right after confirming he would partner up with you; that you needed to exchange phone numbers in order to be able to start the work he had seemingly forgotten, and you had giggled when he’d typed his contact into your phone with a guilty smile and a low-hanging head. He had replied quickly when you had texted him, clarifying his schedule – busier than you had expected, packed to the brim – before confirming to meet up today. And you had been giddy ever since.

When you knocked on his dorm room, Hyunjin opened moments later. He looked comfortable, in a plain black shirt and grey sweatpants, no glasses but his long, raven hair in a lazy bun. He smiled before welcoming you in, stepping aside and closing the door behind you. The room wasn’t big, much like your own, but clean, neat. Not much decoration on the walls but a picture or two, seemingly of family members, or close friends. You spotted multiple game consoles and a spacey monitor on his desk, an expensive looking keyboard, heavy headphones – different ones he took with him to class –, a mic, his school laptop on his bed. Two candles by his nightstand, and one bouquet of dried flowers on his windowsill; if dried on purpose of due to lack of care you were unsure, but they were pretty nonetheless.

Hyunjin stood behind you as you took in his small room, abashed and clearing his throat when you finally looked at him again. You smiled, and disposed your bag next to his bed.

“Nice room.”

He must have not expected the compliment; he looked perplexed, chuckling suddenly and a little too loud before thanking you quietly. He got rid of a couple strands of loose hair with a quick hand, and straightened his back, shaking his head as if to rid himself off thoughts, to find his way back to you. He gave you a quick smile, too; it was so pretty that you almost told him, almost stepped up to be level with him and touch the side of his face, purely to manifest him within you. Him and his face, his shy smile with its’ small, pearly teeth and glistening eyes.

“Alright, I guess we should start. The desk is pretty, uh, full and stuff, you can just sit on the bed, if... you don’t mind.” He sat down on the chair in front of the desk, motioned you to the bed. He tripped over the light carpet on his floor before finding his seat, though acted as though nothing had happened; cute.

“Just get comfortable.”

The sentence didn’t carry any connotation yet Hyunjin reddened after he spoke, and lost your eyes to rummage in his bag and in the drawers of his desk to fish out all the materials he thought he’d need. You smiled to yourself, and did as he told you; got comfortable on his bed, and got out your papers and pencils, spreading them out on his blanketed mattress. It smelt nice, his bed. Clean, almost like neutral linen, but with a hint of a scent you believed to be uniquely his. It was the first time you sensed it; you had never been close enough to him before to notice it, but now that you sat in the essence of it, in the core of his existence, in his very own four walls, it engulfed you. It was deep vanilla and sweetest honey, it was a scent dark and intense, but light. It wasn’t heavy, it didn’t suffocate you. It simply existed in the space around you, and it stuck to him; you doubted you’d ever forget the scent again.

When Hyunjin looked at you again, turning to face you on his chair, he stopped in his tracks, and his eyes seemed to widen, his jaw to tighten. It felt unfamiliar seeing him without his glasses, though very much known to watch the pink flush creep up his neck. He blinked a couple times, simply watching you, and it wasn’t until you shifted in your place, sinking further into his mattress that he moved again, pretending to look for something, or really doing so. He cleared his throat and choked on his own spit, fell into a short coughing fit; you almost giggled, and when Hyunjin caught sight of your repressed grin, the pink on his neck deepened into a red; he was even more helpless than you initially thought. He was still looking around, not frantically but close to it, mumbling something you didn’t catch, until you spotted his glasses on the nightstand. You leaned over to get hold of them, and offered them to him, with eyes big and expectant.

“Are you looking for those?”

The room was so small that the distance between the edge of the bed and the desk was only an arm length, so Hyunjin got hold of the glasses simply by reaching out, thanking you. He was interesting; everything he did around you, from the way he moved to the way he spoke, seemed always to be happening in a state of trance, or incredible awkwardness you hoped stemmed from fluster, not discomfort. The feeling spreading in the pit of your stomach was indescribable, when Hyunjin, with soft, delicate fingers and a familiar move, placed the silvery glasses on the rich curve of his nose, fixing them into the dip of his ears before sliding them up; ready to work, and he looked concentrated momentarily, serious; far more attractive up close than when you watched him in class, and you wondered if you’d handle an entire hour of speaking to him while in his bed, in his room, in the midst of his scent.

Yet the hour flew by too fast for your liking, and before you knew it you were packing your bag and making your way to the door of Hyunjin’s dorm room. The hour had contained of more giggling and casual talking than you had thought, and it had gotten you excited. Maybe it was your fantasy, but Hyunjin had seemed interested; more than just into the project, interested in you, too. He had asked questions, had initiated conversation, had neglected his work. He had been – after half an hour – brave enough to poke fun at your lack of mathematical skill, after you had failed to understand an equation he’d tried to bring closer to you. You had gasped and acted hurt, and the giggle which he had followed up with had made you so speechless that Hyunjin had needed to continue with the explaining, flustered and stuttering, a little rocky; all hope of understanding his explaining had been lost there, but you hadn’t minded it.

Hyunjin stood by the door, held it open for you. There it was again, the fluster in his eyes, the flush on his neck; and you weren’t even doing anything. It’s not like the big doe eyes you caught his gaze with could play any role in his abash, or the purposeful teasing smile you shot him. It also couldn’t be the fact you simply stood in his door, waiting for him to say something, instead of leaving for the night with a simple goodbye, with your bag in hand, and quick fingers in your hair, pretending to fix it.

“Uh, we didn’t really come really far.”, he finally voiced with a chuckle, and you reciprocated. Yet you waited; it seemed there was more he wished to say. Hyunjin stepped from one foot to the other, furrowed his brows quickly before losing your eyes, locking your gaze again and opening his mouth, though without success initially. He closed it again, at a loss for words, and you cocked your head curiously, deliberately waiting, feigning ignorance. He huffed out an awkward chuckle, more air than laugh, and ruffled his hair. It made it look messier than before, but you liked it.

“Sorry, just – do you wanna meet tomorrow? I know it’s a Sunday, but... I don’t know, I thought we could work on the project some more. Only if you want to.”, he added quickly when you didn’t say anything. Only after you nodded with a smile Hyunjin’s shoulders seemed to relax, the tension in his body dissipating into relief.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then. Same time?”

☆.☆.☆

It had been two weeks of continuous meeting and working on the project with Hyunjin; but it had also been two weeks of continuous laughing and talking, of conversations far more memorable than the frustration over the schoolwork. Hyunjin had opened up to you, though still shy and quiet, far calmer around you now, more comfortable, it seemed. Yet you shied from initiating more; you had touched his thigh in friendly manner a week ago, barely a second, and the man had turned to a statue of stone, had lost sense of every word he’d had dancing on his lips, had lost train, even, of every thought; it had needed him a good five minutes before he had spoke again. Not only that, but he had eyed you the entire time after, hadn’t left his eyes wander from you, unless you’d caught and reciprocated them; only then his gaze had fallen to his fiddling hands in his lap, sneaking a look again only when you weren’t watching anymore.

You were sure he liked you, you doubted to be wrong about that; but ironically, you liked him too much to confront that, in fear of shying him away, of risking the delicate friendship which had developed over the past two weeks. The group project would end next week, and you weren’t sure if you’ve acquainted enough to stay friends beyond that.

You were sitting on Hyunjin’s bed, him on the mattress beside you, two hours into working on a PowerPoint which looked somewhat decent; decent to Hyunjin’s standards, that was, because you didn’t even know half the tricks he used to connect slides and merge texts and pictures; you would have stopped working on it a good while ago, deeming everything neat and sensible, but Hyunjin had looked at you wide-eyed and shocked, claiming it wasn’t near half-way done. You didn’t mind that he continued working on it; you enjoyed spending time with him, and you enjoyed watching him work, seeing him in his element. He had told you that he was into computers and everything regarding them, whether it was gaming or programming, or merely learning about the matter; you’d had the privilege to watch him build together a new keyboard he acquired, and as little interest as you had in the matter yourself, it was fascinating seeing him burn for something. He had grown bashful when he’d notice how much he had talked, and had apologized; when you’d admitted how cute it was, he hadn’t known what to do with himself, and had simply gone back to installing.

The small laptop lay on Hyunjin’s thighs as he typed away, finding new things to add, brows furrowed and the familiar, concentrated look in his eyes you knew so well from class; and, now, from working together with him. You watched him, weren’t left to do much more; and you enjoyed it. Hyunjin wore a nicely fitting polo-shirt over a simple flannel, and loose jeans which hung down his body leisurely. One of his fingers was adorned by a simple silver ring, matching with the silver of his square glasses; he looked unbelievable, and he didn’t even know it. Over the past week – if it was any possible – Hyunjin had somehow become even more beautiful to you. Knowing him closer made his exterior seem brighter, kinder; as though his soul reflected on his body and pulled you in even deeper than previous.

When he noticed you staring from his peripheral he caught your gaze, though not without his usual shyness. He chuckled a little before you smiled at him, and his eyes lost yours again.

“Why’re you looking at me like that.” His voice carried a hint of a whine, and your skin burned at the sound of it. The side of his face was a deep pink, his ears fire as he typed away on the project. You gathered your bravery; today could be the last time you’d meet him like this, with an excuse and void of brave initiations.

“I like looking at you. You’re cute when you’re working.”

He hadn’t expected it, neither have you; you meant the words, but you were surprised just how easily they slipped past your lips. Without friction, smooth; clear. So clear that Hyunjin stuttered around before going back to the laptop, the blue hues illuminating his face so prettily, you wished to remember this sight forever. Even if today didn’t go anywhere. Even if your short friendship would only be a memory a year down the line; you wished to remember the way his eyes glistened with a mix of confusion and curiosity in the dim light of the laptop screen, how his nose curved beneath his reflecting glasses, the way his tongue darted out and his wet lips caught again the hues of the computer.

Hyunjin mumbled a quiet “What are you saying?”, almost to himself because you barely caught it, and you huffed out in amusement.

“I’m serious.” Your tone was, too, and it made Hyunjin look at you, momentarily. His brows were furrowed, in something like question, doubt. It needed him a while to find his words, fishing them from somewhere within him; you could see the work in his mind, processing your words and understanding them, thinking of a response. You saw the whole process, before he finally spoke.

“Why, though?” Too long a time he took for two words only, but they sounded so honest your eyes softened, and your head cocked a bit, questioning. Hyunjin noticed, and followed up.

“I’m, like, boring. Why are you even hanging out with me?”

“Because I like you.”

The words flooded the room. They had felt trapped in your throat though gushed out the moment you allowed them, and they drowned you both in their weight. Hyunjin only sat, and looked at you. You have never seen him so pale, so colourless; you hoped it was a good sign.

“I don’t think you’re boring. You’re the most interesting person I know. And I like you.”

Only then Hyunjin’s face returned to the usual colour he’d acquired around you over the past two weeks; crimson red and his ears flaming, his neck probably hot if you only touched it. The moments of silence he granted you with were torturing, but the look in his eyes as he held your gaze looked promising; and then his cheeks painted pink, and he started blinking excessively.

“I... I like you, too.”

Two highschoolers confessing, but something about it was sweet, and pure, and ignited a fire within you.

“Can I kiss you?”, you heard yourself saying, and before you knew it, you felt his lips on your own. Soft, the very first thing you thought. Like clouds on your lips, or feathers, or sweet cotton candy. And though Hyunjin wasn’t skilled per se, a little helpless with his teeth and his tongue, unsure of what to do, you enjoyed it. You enjoyed the slow pace of the kiss, the wet sounds your lips made when they touched. You enjoyed feeling his urge to touch you, to lay a finger on your thigh, before he collected enough courage to do so; and the touch was heavenly, too. Heavy on your body, significant and real. Everything about Hyunjin made you buzz; and then a whine slipped past his lips. It tumbled over into your mouth and you swallowed it, before Hyunjin could retract from you a bit, embarrassment glazing his eyes. You smiled in response, burning with a newly found passion now. He mumbled a quiet “Sorry.”, but you shook your head, softly, inching yet closer to him. You felt his breath on your lips, could see the droplet of sweat on his forehead. You could see your own reflection in his glasses; you took them off slowly before almost connecting back to a kiss, yet not quite.

“Don’t be sorry. I wanna hear that sound again.”

You closed the distance between you, and at your words Hyunjin complied, and let a sigh escape him. You almost reciprocated, almost followed suit; you had never heard anything prettier, anything more desperate and honest. You continued kissing him before you allowed your hands to explore his body, cautious of his reactions and even more eager when he leaned into your every touch. He was chasing you, your lips, your hands, your fingers which started playing with the loop of his leather belt. Hyunjin’s breathing had become staggered by this point, heavy and irregular, chest heaving so intensely you almost chuckled at it.

It was subtle, but when you felt his hips buck up from the mattress in impatient anticipation you moaned into him, and finally undid his belt, opened the button of his jeans. You retracted, gave a quick peck to his searching, reddened lips.

“That’s okay, yeah?”

Hyunjin didn’t seem like he had understood the question. He didn’t seem like he understood anything around him while he was looking at you; seeing him so very dumb founded, in absence of his usual cleverness and brains, was far better than you had anticipated, far more satisfying. It gave you an ego boost you didn’t know you needed, or wanted, for that matter.

You chuckled, and asked again; only then Hyunjin nodded frantically, following up with what felt like a million “Yes, yeah yeah, yes.”’s before you continued with a smug grin.

And it was adorable, seeing Hyunjin pucker his lips in the thought of feeling your lips on his again, only for you to lower your head, and bury your face in his neck instead. You felt his low whine against your lips before you heard it, and he sensed your smile against his skin, followed by a kiss deep and long, while your hands played with the waistband of his jeans. It’s been far too long he’d had anyone like this, embarrassingly long; and even longer since he’d liked someone as much as you. He was in trance as your lips travelled further down his body, not undressing him but catching bare spots of skin to plant kisses atop; his collarbones, the curve from his neck towards his shoulders, his jewellered chest right above the neckline of his shirt.

It wasn’t long before you were levelled with his core. Your position on the bed was awkward, a little uncomfortable, but it was the least of your concerns. You pulled up the hem of Hyunjin’s shirt a bit to kiss at his abdomen, teasing and licking and making a show out of it, and it paid off; the man was flush against the wall of his room, fingers digging into the blanket beneath him, looking at you, blinking so often you wondered if he was able to see anything in between. And you were getting impatient. You could feel the faint weight of his erection beneath his jeans as you brushed his core occasionally, his jerks and jumps when you did so, silently begging you for more. When you asked another “Can I?” he nodded, and you pulled his erection from its’ confines. Hyunjin sucked in a breath at that, bashfulness written in his eyes, brows furrowed; and he suddenly looked for something, tapping across his mattress before he got hold of his glasses, slipping them on. He blushed when you cocked your head at him, fixed them onto his nose with a finger; you loved that habit.

“Just, wanna see everything clearly.”

He was almost ashamed when he said it, but he huffed out in embarrassed amusement when he heard you laugh softly, teasingly. Your hand tightened a bit around the base of his sex, causing him to tense up at the sudden pressure, and your fist moved further up his length. You looked up at him beneath your lashes, intently, dark, almost. You gave a single kitten lick to his tip, gave him a kiss after before smiling up at his dizzied expression; “Watch, then.”

With that, you started softly sucking on his tip, cautiously and void of hurry, taking your time. You were languish with it, letting your tongue dart out and dance across his skin, swirling it when he moaned out or tightened his fist which held captive the fabric of his vanilla scented blanket. You didn’t know that watching him throw his head back would bring you the pleasure it did, but watching Hyunjin’s Adam’s apple beneath the soft, frail skin of his neck made you roll your hips into nothing, the sweat slowly forming on his skin made you flush and sigh against him. You took him deeper, engulfing him in your warm, wet mouth, inch by inch, getting used to his length, the feeling of his heavy veins against your tongue. And he was shy with his hands, placed them everywhere but on you; ran his fingers through his hair with furrowed brows, fisted the fabric of his jeans, or the softness of the blanket, or the pillow laying next to him. It wasn’t until he locked eyes with you, when he caught sight of a loose strand of hair framing against your cheek that he was courageous enough to reach out; Hyunjin moved the hair out of your face softly, delicately almost, held it then, his palm a nice feeling on your skull. And he kept it there. Stroking your hair, tightening around it when you hollowed your cheeks, when you sucked away the salty precum oozing out his angry tip.

You felt him at the back of your throat. He was bigger than you had expected, and his weight lay on your tongue, his tip grazing repeatedly at your uvula, by now sensitive and reddened, though you didn’t stop your antics. Not when the sounds he let roll off his tongue increased not only in volume but in desperation, whines so high pitched you couldn’t help but grin against him. You watched him, every of his movement; the way his glasses slid off his nose before he fixed them with a haste movement, quick and messy, making them sit slightly tilted; enough for you to notice, not enough for him to care. The strands framing his face starting sticking against the sweat forming on his forehead, his lip had developed a bruise from his repeated biting on it; he was a mess, heaving breath and breathless sighs, sweaty palm fisting at your hair in utter helplessness. And he could barely speak a word, could barely form a thought, yet opened his mouth nonetheless, only for words to fail him. He stuttered about, whimpered more than he succeeded to speak. You slowed down your pace, halted a little in the bobbing movement of your head, let your jaw rest to allow him to collect his mind. He looked down at you, urges so deep swimming behind his eyelids, and he breathed out shakily, licked his bruised-up lips.

“I’m so close.”

The words came out his mouth almost apologetically, breathless and quiet. He sat there, back against the wall, an utter mess, too beautiful to be real; lips spit-covered as he spoke, brows formed into one line, eyes glazed with every human emotion this planet granted.

“Do you have condoms?”, you whispered against him, your voice hoarse and weak, your throat sore. He hadn’t expected the words, but nodded after a moment of blushing, motioning to his nightstand with a cock of the head. You eyed him teasingly before shifting to open the drawer of his nightstand; packs of painkillers and coughing drops, looking old and unused. Pencils and other useless stuff before you spotted packs of condoms shoved into the very back, and you fished for one before meeting his eye again. You contemplated teasing him about it; you knew he wasn’t bringing girls over regularly – if at all – to his dorm room, so the small stack of contraceptions was all but adorable – Hyunjin was so very reddened though, and looking so very bashful already that you decided against it, and busied yourself with sliding off your jeans instead, leaving you to sit in front of him in your shirt and panties.

And he couldn’t take his eyes off you. Not much exposed but when you straddled him your thighs were everything his eyes ate alive, shyly placing his hot palms atop them, breathing in shakily when you giggled at him. You tore open the little plastic wrapping, slid on the condom after a confirming nod of his; and when you leaned in to kiss him, he reciprocated it with a depth before not shown, clashing against your mouth clumsily but so passionately that you couldn’t mind it. You shifted in your place, lips never stopping to eat up his own, until you hovered above his erection. He felt your warmth atop him already, bucked his hips up in impatience only for his tip to graze your clothed sex; you both moaned at the embarrassingly short contact, and it was your cue to sink down on him slowly. You weren’t prepped, but you were wet enough for him to slide in easily after pulling your panties to the side, taking him inch by inch, not hurrying, dragging out the scenery. You watched him all the while, and the sight was utterly priceless; blown-out pupils beneath his glasses, a longing so grand behind his lids that you couldn’t help but kiss him again. A deep kiss as you bottomed out on him, felt him endlessly inside you, and he whined into your mouth, loud and raw when you clenched around him.

“I’m not gonna last long.”, he breathed out when you leaned back again; he was too adorable. Looking almost guilty, digging his fingers into the flesh of your thighs desperately. You chuckled before placing another peck on his swollen lips – even more like clouds now, puffy and soft to touch – and rolled your hips against him. He groaned deeply, throwing his head back with a quiet thump against the wall, hands tightening on your body, as though trying to hold you in place. You felt him twitch inside you, felt him throb against your depth; he wasn’t lying, he wouldn’t last at all.

“I don’t care. Just enjoy yourself.”

With that you started riding him slowly, and softly, giving him an opportunity to collect himself, though it was to little use. He was whining, he was throwing his head back and forth, lulling to the side, he was losing control of everything around him; his glasses slid off his nose repeatedly, sitting so deep they dared to fall off, sounds so loud you wondered if people outside could hear what was happening behind closed doors. His neck was red, his cheeks were flushed, his eyes were closed so tight you wondered if it strained the muscles in his face; and you kept rolling your hips against him, chasing the feeling yourself, basking in the way he filled you out entirely. Basking in his sounds, in the sight of him, in the way he felt; this was better than what you had dared to dream of, and you hoped it would be yours for eternities to come.

It wasn’t two minutes, and not before you started bouncing up and down Hyunjin’s length slowly, with thighs strained and hips eager, that the man stuttered in his demeanour, bucking his hips so helplessly into your own, without much success in causing friction, simply to chase you, to chase the feeling, to come closer to you. And it wasn’t long after that when a whine so endearing, so frantic left his throat, and he came into the condom with a string of apologies and curses, and whispers of your name. You allowed him to ride out his high, moving against him in failed search of your own release, kissing at his neck and nibbling at the lobe of his ear, whispering reassurances, feeling his hands on your skin, his arms caging you in. His breathing was heavy, shaky, his eyes closed in exhaustion, or relief, or simple and pure pleasure when you leaned back again. You smiled to yourself, watching calmness take over him now; no nervousness now as you yet sat atop him, no awkwardness, only satisfaction, content.

When he opened his eyes and noticed your staring at him he blushed again, and upon remembering his softened sex inside of you he groaned lowly, twitching in his seat. He was sensitive, he was endearing; and for now he was yours. You smiled at him, and he reciprocated it shyly; you fixed the glasses on his nose, gave him a long, deep kiss. He basked in it, simply let you kiss him, let you run your hands through his hair. It wasn’t until you guided his right hand to your core he sucked in a breath again, upon feeling your warm wetness on his fingertips; and he looked at you with eyes wide open when you leaned back, and whined out again when you whispered; “Gonna show you how you can make me feel good, too.”

taglist: @es-kay-zee @jeyelleohe @angelwonie @yvniek4ng @ppiri-bahng @bintificreads-archived @svintsandghosts @llunapastell @sensitiveandhungry @minniesvenus @junebug032 @noellllslut @wolfennracha @unexceptional-h @like-a-diamondinthesky @katsukis1wife @binniesbang

[meanhore]

i really need to study whatever the heck is going on with myself after i read this. i'm so weak for nerdy hyunjin.

[meanhore]

i wrote a fic (yes i haven't published anything, i don't think it's good enough to be posted) and when i checked to the browser for the 'word counter' type of thing, it suddenly said that my writing is 76% AI generated. i mean— is that supposed to be a compliment? sigh, you can't even trust AI to do their job.

[sailorracha]

Seat 14B

nsfw ahead, 18+ only ⋆ ˚｡⋆౨ৎ˚

pairings: sleepy!han jisung x fem!reader, established relationship

tags/warnings: nsfw, smut, teasing, begging!jisung and sleepy jisung, jisung is very needy, desperate and whiny, begging, bj, public sex (more or less), riding, nicknames, humour, sleepy voice, turbulences, food

note: thank you guys so so much for the love that my first fanfic received, i was so surprised!! Also to everyone that voted on my poll (thank you!): i went with what got voted for more honestly. Sooo because i liked both ideas a lot i can still make a strangers version if yall want to, i’d just change it a bit, please let me know!!

word count: like a bit over 4k

On a late-night flight, you sit next to your boyfriend Jisung, who’s half-asleep, flustered, and already desperate, making your heart race. Between turbulence, cramped seats, and the thrill of not getting caught, the long flight quickly becomes an intimate game of teasing and tension.

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Walking down the aisle, you and jisung were searching for your seats, silently hoping not to spot any babies along the way, a twelve-hour flight with screaming and crying would be a nightmare. Not to mention that your boyfriend would go mental, he’s already nervous enough.

You even offered to buy him some cheesecake at one of those overpriced cafés and the airport, hoping it would help him calm down but he turned it down. Han Jisung saying no to cheesecake. What the fuck?

When you finally reached your row, you point “here - 14 A, B, C.”

“Oh, thank God, middle of the plane,” he muttered, visibly relaxing as he slid into 14B. “That’s, like, the safest part statistically, right?” You laughed, dropping your bag under 14C and sitting down beside him. “You’ve clearly done your research.”

“I may or may not have watched three documentaries about airplane engineering last night,” he mumbled, fumbling with his seatbelt. You shook your head, smiling. “You’re hopeless.” But seeing jisung so adorably nervous makes your heart skip a beat.

He glanced over, eyes flicking to the small seat label near you - 14C- and a grin started to form, the nervous edge melting into something playful.

“14C, huh?” he said, leaning a little closer with that familiar spark returning to his eyes. “Yeah… makes total sense.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Ji, what are you talking about? It’s a seat.” But you could tell by the look in his eyes that he’s about to say something so cringy.

He tilted his head, eyes twinkling, and gave a little grin with a wink. “It fits perfectly… because you’re the one (1) for (4) me… and a total Cutie.”

You groan, covering your face. “Really ji? That’s your airplane pickup line? You’ve officially lost it”, you say while shaking your head, still you can’t help a smile escaping your lips.

Jisung fidgeted beside you. “Twelve hours in this seat… hope you’re ready for all of me.” Little did you know, that by all of him, he meant all of him.

Luckily seat 14A remained empty, so the both of you had more room for your bags for example. Yeah, your bags.

The flight attendant walked down the aisle, demonstrating seatbelts and safety instructions, catching both of your attention. Jisung’s eyes followed every move, wide and slightly panicked.

A few minutes later, looking over to him you can see him putting on his headphones, you guess he put his favorite atrists on, their songs always help him relax. A few minutes later the plane took off and the 12 hours flight began…

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At some point during the flight you must have fallen asleep. Glancing at your phone the screen reads 1:00 am. You groan, stiff from sitting too long, these plane seats are really uncomfortable. Looking to your right you can see jisung fast asleep. Mouth slightly open, cheeks puffy, head slightly tilted in your direction. It takes everything in you not to just squeeze his whole face and place a thousand kisses on it.

Needing to stretch (and, you admit, a quick bathroom break), you carefully stand up, trying not to wake him. Just as you step into the aisle, turbulence hits. You lose your balance for a moment - and before you can react, you stumble right onto him.

Your body lands awkwardly across his thighs, one hand instinctively shooting out to steady yourself and presses against the front of his pants, right over the bulge of his cock, feeling the sudden warmth and firness beneath the fabric as it twitches under your palm.

He shifts under you, still half-asleep, eyes barely open and clouded with confusion. “U-uh wha- what? What are you uh doing?” he mumbles, voice thick and sleepy. God his sleepy voice. That hardness in his pants swells noticeably against your hand, pulsing with a lazy throb as if even in his fogged state. A soft pink spreads across his cheeks, eyes unfocused and blinking slowly, trying to make sense of the warmth of your body draped over him.

He shallows thickly “I-” he mumbles , voice trailing off into a quiet sigh. He stays there, still zoned out and flustered, not moving away, just letting you be pressed against him for a moment. “y/n-” he tries again but you cut him off, not looking into his eyes out of embarrassment “i’m sorry I- I- the turbulences they- and then I slipped and-” but before you can say even more his hips twitching faintly upward, pressing his thickening length more firmly into your grip while he remains lost in that sleepy, flustered daze, too out of it off to pull away or push you off. You froze, not knowing what to say or do.

The airplane's hum and the lingering turbulence fade into the background, leaving only the warmth of your body against his and the insistent press of his cock straining harder in your palm. He looks utterly gone, chest rising and falling in slow, even breaths, but then a low rumble escapes his lips, barely audible over the engines.

“Ugh- yes, y/n..” he mutters, voice a whisper, thick with drowsiness. His hips shift lazily, grinding his thickening shaft into your hand without any real intent, just instinctive need bubbling up from his subconscious. He let’s out a soft needy “mmmm” as your fingers squeeze gently around the bulge, feeling it twitch and pulse under the fabric.

The sight of him like this makes you drool, bed hair, mouth slightly open, pinkish cheeks. You guess he doesn’t take much liking to airplane seats either, because the side of his tummy is exposed (from shifting around you guess) and you can see his tattoo. You gulp, tattoos are your weakness. And his especially, the way they linger around his toned abs, you’re definitely gonna convince him to get even more.

God, he doesn’t know what those tattoos do to you, you could get yourself off just by looking at them. Thinking about the noises he made while getting them. Jisung whines easily, it doesn’t matter if it’s in pain or pleasure. Sometimes you resist on kissing him during sex, so you could hear his noises. If only he knew that they drive you insane.

He doesn't wake, doesn't completely open his eyes, but his body responds - thighs parting slightly, inviting more contact. Another breathless mutter slips out "feels sooo good mmm don't stop" his cheeks flush deeper, a rosy heat spreading down his neck, and his free hand twitches at his side, fingers curling.

And to your surprise you wanted this. You wanted to see how far you can push, how bold he can remain knowing you’re stuck for another 6 hours on this plane. You press your thighs together. Unsure of what to do.

Before anything else can happen, you hear footsteps coming from down the aile towards you, you pushing your hands off, looking up seeing a flight attended coming your way. Sliding out of the row, cheeks burning, pretending as if nothing happened, trying to act casual, while your panties are dripping wet and you don’t know how to calm down again. “This is going to be a long flight” you mumble under your breathe, as you closed the WC door.

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2.30 am. You couldn’t sleep. You wrapped a blanket around yourself, luckily you took one with you, who knew airplanes could get so chilly at night. Scrolling through instagram, thinking it will eventually make you tired and distract you from the heat building between your legs.

You took your panties off when you were in the bathroom, they were so slick and wet there was no use in wearing them anymore. You stuffed them into the pocket of your sweatpants and left them there.

Suddenly you hear a soft sleepy murmur from jisung “hnn..mmm”, his hand lazily drifts to rub his face as he shifts, still half-asleep.

“Can’t sleep baby?”, he asks, his eyes barely open, and he shifts slightly in the seat.

“Yeah.. can’t sleep” you admit, cheeks heating.

“Mhmm.. me too, i had this dream and it felt so realistic. You were there and then you mhmm and i didn’t want you to stop but you did and now i can’t think straight and going back to sleep is impossible i’m so hard can you touch me?” he rambles in one go. Cheeks slightly pink, voice deep, sleepy and desperate.

The confession hangs in the air, raw and unfiltered, his body betraying him completely - chest rising and falling quicker now, a faint sheen of sweat on his brow.

You wanted to be the smarter one here. You’re in an airplane anyone could see if they woke up or a flight attendant came across. But your body’s betraying you. You’re so wet it’s unbearable.

“Ji-” but before you can say more he leans closer, head on your shoulder, his breath tickling your neck, you shiver slightly and then he whispers, raw and sleepy.

“Please baby, it won’t take long i promise. I’m already so hard i could cum any moment…please just help me out a bit. I won’t make any noises, no one’s gonna know i swear please just- just touch me, i need you.”

You shallow. You don’t know what to do. Just when you were about to tell him that this isn’t a good idea, you turn to look at him and see him staring at you with those lustful sleepy boba eyes. How could you ever say no to them?

“Fine, but be quick okay, i really don’t want us to get caught” you mutter slightly embarrassed.

“Yes yes baby don’t worry i’ll be so quick you won’t even remember that this happened thank you thank you thank you”he whispers and gives you a quick kiss on your cheek.

Your fingers curl around the outline of his cock through his sweatpants , squeezing gently as his rambling words fade into a needy whimper. Jisung's eyes flutter half-shut, his body slumping back into the seat, too sleepy “p-please” he whispers voice whiny and thick, lips parting on a shaky breath.

You glance around - the seats are dim, most passengers lost in sleep - and put the thin blanket over both your laps, creating a shield. Your hand slips under the fabric,sliding his waistband down a little, he helps clumsily, lifting his hips just enough for you to tug it down enough to free his cock from his boxers.

It springs out, hot and heavy in your palm, the shaft veined and throbbing, pre-cum already beading at the flushed tip. Jisung's breath hitches, a quiet whine slipping out as you wrap your fingers around him, stroking from base to head in slow, firm pulls.

“Mmmph... y-yes, like that” he mumbles, head against the headrest, his free hand gripping the armrest to keep from thrusting too obviously. The blanket slightly over his lap, hiding the way your fist glides up and down his length, slicking him with his own leaking cum. His cock pulses in your grip, growing even harder, the sleepy haze making his reactions lazy but desperate “don’t t-tease”, thighs trembling.

He tries to stay quiet, but soft, whiny gasps escape him with each stroke, his face twisting in flushed frustration as he fights the urge to moan aloud. The plane tilts slightly, making a soft creak, but Jisung’s attention is elsewhere, caught up in the heat.

After a few minutes of your steady pumping, his hand finds your wrist under the blanket, squeezing weakly. “N-not enough p-please, I need- I need your mouth baby” he begs in a sleepy, whiny plea, eyes glassy and pleading as he looks at you. His cock twitches in your hand, begging for more, and you feel the shift in him - the sleepiness fueling his boldness, making him push for what he craves.

Heart pounding, you nod, sliding off his lap with careful movements, the space between seats so cramped your knees press against the seat in front.

You duck under the blanket, the fabric pooling over Jisung's spread thighs like he's just adjusting for comfort. It's tight down here - your shoulders brush his legs, the air warm and musky with his scent- but you manage, knees digging into the carpeted floor as you position yourself between his knees. His cock stands rigid before you, tip glistening, and you lean in, parting your lips to take him inside.

Jisung's hand flies to his mouth, muffling a whiny groan as your tongue swirls around the head, tasting the salty pre-cum before you sink down further, lips stretching around him. You suck steadily, hollowing your cheeks, your head bobbing in the confined space while one hand strokes what you can't fit.

He tastes thick and urgent, his shaft pulsing against your tongue with every wet slide. Above the blanke, he looks completely messy - hair all over the place, cheeks flushed, legs spread out, but innocent enough, like he's just resting uncomfortably.

“Oh God... s-so good” he whimpers softly, voice barely audible, his hips twitching upward to fuck shallowly into your mouth. Muffled whines escape him, his free hand tangling in the blanket's edge to anchor himself. You're careful, keeping the rhythm discreet, saliva coating him as you take him deeper.

Then, footsteps approach down the aisle, and a soft voice cuts through. “Sir? Are you alright? You look a bit flushed - do you need anything? Water, perhaps?” the flight attendant leans in, her shadow falling over Jisung's seat.

Jisung freezes, his cock buried halfway in your mouth, throbbing wildly as panic flashes in his eyes. “I-I'm f-fine” he stammers, voice strained and whiny despite his effort to sound normal. He clears his throat, forcing a weak smile. “Just... just couldn't sleep. Turbulence earlier, you know?”

Before she can respond, the plane jolts hard - turbulence hitting without warning. Your body shifts forward involuntarily, driving Jisung's cock deep into your throat in one unexpected thrust. He chokes on a gasp, eyes widening as the tight heat overwhelms him fully, your gag reflex kicking in but holding as you swallow around him. “Ahh-” the sound comes out as a strangled cough, his hand clamping over his mouth again.

The attendant pauses, concern showing on her face. “Are you sure? That sounded rough. Let me get you some te-”

“N-no, really, I'm good” jisung manages, voice pitching higher, whiny edges weakening his composure as you pull back slightly, only to suck him deeper on the rebound from the shake. His cock leaks steadily now, pulsing against your tongue, and he bites his knuckle to stifle the moan building in his chest. Sweat beads on his forehead, his sleepy desire and the fear of being caught clash inside him, making every word feel like a struggle “th-thanks, though. Jus-Just.. need to rest”.

She nods hesitantly, lingering a second longer before moving on, her footsteps fading. Jisung exhales shakily, his hand dropping to press the blanket down, hips jerking once as the adrenaline spikes his need. “F-fuck... don't stop please baby, you’re unreal” he whispers desperately, voice a needy whine.

Your mouth works him relentlessly under the blanket, tongue pressing flat against the underside of his cock as you bob faster, the tight space forcing you to angle your head just right. Jisung's thighs tense around you, his whiny breaths escaping him. “C-close... oh God, ‘m gon- gonna-” he whimpers softly, voice speepy, hips stuttering upward in shallow thrusts that push him deeper into the wet heat of your throat.

The first burst hits without warning, thick ropes of cum flooding your mouth as his shaft pulses hard. “Aaah- ‘mmm gonna uhhh babyyy” you swallow greedily around him, the salty bitterness coating your tongue while you milk every drop with firm sucks, your lips sealed tight to catch it all. Jisung's body shudders, a choked whine escaping as he grips the seat edge, knuckles white, his cock twitching until he's completely done, softening slightly in the aftermath. You pull back slowly, licking him clean with a final swirl, the blanket shifting just enough to let you resurface, face flushed and lips swollen.

He slumps deeper into the seat, eyes heavy lidded and dazed, but that needy spark lingers in his gaze as it drops to your lap. The blanket's still draped over you both, and in the dim cabin light, he notices the way your thighs press together, the subtle dampness seeping through your sweatpants. “Y-you're... wet” he murmurs, voice whiny and thick. "I can see it - you're soaked. Let me... please?" Before you can respond, his hand slips inside the waistband, bold and insistent.

His fingers brush against your bare pussy, and he freezes for a split second, eyes widening. “No panties? Fuck, you're killing me” he breathes, his voice a desperate rasp, head falling back. The realization hits him hard - your slick folds exposed, dripping from the thrill of sucking him off right there in public. His cock twitches in his pants again, already half-hard despite just cumming.

“Baby you’re sitting here next to me bare underneath, sucking me off while soaking your sweatpants?” he continues “baby i can feel it, how wet you are… let me... wanna make you feel good too. P-Please?” he begs.

Jisung's fingers dive in without hesitation, parting your wet lips and sliding along your clit. He circles it slowly at first, then presses harder, his touch needy and uncoordinated from sleep and lust. “Gonna make you feel good too mmmm” he murmurs, leaning close so his breath fans your ear. “You deserve it after that. So wet for me... please, let me finger this pretty pussy y/n”

You bite your lip to stifle a gasp as he pushes two fingers inside you, curling them just right to hit that spot that makes your thighs clench. “Ji…” you murmur breathless. The plane's hum masks the soft, wet sounds of him thrusting in and out, but every whimper that escapes his lips feels dangerously loud. He's desperate, hips shifting subtly as he works you, his free hand gripping the armrest.

“Jisung, shh” you whisper, glancing around at the dozing seats. But he doesn't stop - his fingers pump faster, thumb rubbing your clit in frantic circles. His whines grow louder, sleepy pleas tumbling out. “Feels so good... you're clenching around me. Ne-need to be inside you. Please baby just the tip. It'll feel amazing baby, I promise. Won't move much, just... f-fuck, I need your pussy on my cock please y/n” he says in a desperate voice.

His begging turns into full-on whimpers, high and needy, as he begs to fuck you right there in his seat. 14B. “Quietly, yeah? No one will know. Just slide down a little and let me push in. Please baby, i’m so hard again. It'll be quick, make you cum so hard, you deserve it please baby” his fingers twist deeper inside you, and you feel your walls flutter around him.

The convincing works, his sleepy begging too endearing to deny. Heart racing, you nod, glancing around the dark cabin - no one's stirring at this hour.

“Just the tip" you murmur, echoing his earlier beg, but taking control. “Yes baby just the tip” he repeats voice deeper than usual. You tug his pants down, freeing his hardening cock, still slick from your mouth. It's thick, the head flushed and leaking.

Shifting in the cramped seats, you straddle him carefully, the blanket tenting over your joined bodies. Your sweatpants are shoved down enough to expose your bare pussy. Looking at jisung’s eyes still sleepy but he’s eyeing you up and down, shallowing, lust growing in them. You hover above him, guiding the tip of his cock to your entrance, rubbing it along your slit to tease. “D-don’t” he whispers. Slowly, you lower yourself “y-yeah, like that” he breathes, voice a needy whine, hands on your hips guiding you down just enough to let the head breach you, stretching your entrance with a delicious burn.

You sink onto just the tip, rocking shallowly, the blanket hiding the intimate connection as his thickness teases your walls. Jisung bites his lip, stifling a groan, his sleepy eyes rolling back at the tight grip of your pussy clenching around him. “F-fuck, so warm... k-keep going, feels amazing baby” he whispers. “Just like this yeahhh baby, ride the tip” his voice is needy, eyes rolling back.

Then, without warning, the plane jolts violently - turbulence hitting like a sudden storm. The cabin shakes, seatbelt signs flickering on as the aircraft dips and bucks. In the chaos, your balance falters, and you drop fully onto him, his entire cock slamming deep into your pussy in one unintended thrust. The sudden fullness rips a gasp from your throat, your walls clenching around his full length.

Jisung's eyes fly open wide, a loud, unrestrained moan bursting from his lips “Ah, f-fuck! S-so deep” his voice carrying too far in the quiet cabin. The turbulence tosses you both, but his hips buck up instinctively, burying himself even harder as the plane levels out. Panic surges through you, a few heads nearby stir, murmuring about the bump.

Jisung's face twists in overwhelmed pleasure, sleepy whines mixing with the plane's groans as he fights to stay silent, hips bucking up instinctively to chase the friction.

“Jisung!” you hiss, clamping a hand over his mouth, but he's lost in it now, whines turning into desperate, throaty cries muffled against your palm. “Too much... y-you're taking all of me, y/n. Can’t-t fuck, gonna c-cum already.” his cock pulses inside you, thick.

Heart pounding, you snatch the damp panties from your pocket - the ones you'd removed earlier, soaked with your juices - and put them into his open mouth mid-whimper.

Jisung's eyes go wide, muffled moans vibrating against the fabric as he sucks on them instinctively. The taste of you on the cloth only makes him hornier, his dick slamming into your pussy harder now, desperate to please. You grind down on him, the confined space making every movement intense.

His hands dig into your ass, pulling you down as he thrusts up, the turbulence forgotten in the haze of lust. You bounce faster, clit grinding against his base. Jisung's body trembles beneath you, his gagged whimpers growing frantic, cock swelling as he nears the edge. You rub your clit furiously, the pressure building until your orgasm crashes over you - walls spasming around him, milking his length as you bite back your own cry.

He follows seconds later, hips jerking wildly as he floods your pussy with hot cum, thick spurts coating your insides. The panties soak up his excess drool and muffled sounds, his body going slack as you both pant through the aftershocks. Slowly, you lift off, his spent cock slipping free with a wet pop, cum trickling down your thigh. You pull the panties from his mouth, damp and stretched, and he licks his lips, dazed and sated.

“Fuck... that was insane” he whispers, voice wrecked, putting himself together again and head on your shoulder. Still sleepy.

He grinned, hair a total mess, you decide to tease him a bit “so… still nervous about flying?” you ask with a shy smile

He laughs softly “guess turbulences aren’t so bad after all”

“Next time, we’re using the bathroom,” you mumble, adjusting in your seat with a groan. “These seats are way too small.”

His lips curve into a sleepy grin. “Next time?” he teases, voice low and rough with exhaustion.

Your face heats instantly. “Shut up,” you mutter, swatting his arm before curling back against him.

He chuckles quietly, eyes already fluttering shut. “Wake me up if they serve snacks, seat 14B” he whispers, a small smile tugging at his lips.

“It’s not even four am why would they serve snacks now sungie?” you mumble, glancing at him - but he’s already drifted off, mouth slightly open, breathing soft and steady. You sigh, smiling to yourself before finally letting your eyes close too.

[meanhore]

i'm in heaven, "just the tip" is the only lie that i'd accept from a man, i need him so bad.

[ghostlyscripture]

hot gum (sinners).

synopsis: when a trip to the confession booth leads to holy disapproval and painful truths he previously refused to see, jeongin’s left with no other choice than to leave you be—cut you off and run tail. you don’t take lightly to being ignored though, and a few months after his sudden disappearance your left with no choice but to find him yourself. and when you do? he takes to you as eve took to the apple.

pairings: churchgoer!jeongin x f!reader genre: angst, smut contains: corruption, religious guilt, power imbalance/manipulation (jeongin + pastor), heavy public stuff (in which they get caught), jeongin having a lot of feelings, making out, dry humping (for like two seconds), unprotected sex (don’t.) word count: 10.3k

now playing: woozy - glass animals

hot gum (saints). <- part one , this can be read as a standalone though!!

[a/n]: i ate DOWN with the confession booth and you cannot tell me otherwise >< also we stan preacher jypapi. amen.

— this has not been thorougly proof read

jeongin doesn’t like the confession booth.

it’s too dark, too small. he always thought it looked out of place all tucked away in the back corner of the church, all dark wood in a building crafted from colored glass and polished stone. that feeling of distaste is amplified ten-fold now that he’s actually kneeling in it.

jeongin’s kneeled a couple times in the past few weeks. he doesn’t dare try and count them for the fear that he’ll run out of fingers.

despite such a fear, he’s actually learned he quite enjoys being on his knees.

when he’s kneeling it means he’s done well, or will do well. it means you’re with him, beautiful and wet and so unholy that it hurts. it means you let out the most addictive sounds when he kisses you after, making you taste yourself on his tongue and have a surge of pride when you shiver because of it.

last time he had done such a good job that you actually let him get his dick wet for the first time.

he still thinks about it, all these weeks later—you in his lap, bouncing on his cock while his mind melted into a puddle of incoherent prayers and a mumbling of your name that sounded like divine worship.

so yeah, jeongin likes being on his knees. for you, though. only ever for you.

that’s the determination he comes to as cold wood digs into his knees, head bowed to stare at were his hands are curled in his lap.

only for you.

jeongin’s eyes flick up to the wooden slots that have been carved into the wall that separate his kneeling form from where the pastor stands on the other side. he can’t actually see his face, thank god, but he can see the elder man’s hands. they clutch at a beaded rosary. the sight makes jeongin sick with guilt.

before bile can climb any further up his throat, jeongin forces his eyes back down to his lap.

“speak, child.” comes the pastors voice. it’s kind, but jeongin’s been to enough of his services to detect the note of condescension it holds.

jeongin takes a breath. swallows hard.

“bless me, father, for i have sinned…”

he’s going to be sick. he is sick—he feels it, at least. it swirls in his gut, cruel and guilt-ridden.

it takes jeongin a moment to work up the courage to actually force words out of his open mouth. when he finally does, they’re shaky, a crystal clear reflection of the guilt that plagues his body and soul

“there has been no time since my last confession. i… i have never sinned before.”

the silence that follows his words seems to scream louder than any words. jeongin can feel the tell tale signs of panic start pricking up his sign.

he waits for the pastor to speak, to do anything.

he waits, and he waits.

there’s a chance that only a few seconds have passed, but to jeongin it feels like nothing short of years. the silence rings so loud that jeongin can hear everything—the way his shift ruffles slightly with each rise and fall of his chest, the pastors heavy exhale from the other side of the booth, the way the beads of the rosary clink against one another as the pastor raises them to stomach level.

jeongin has a vague thought to jsut stand and leave, to escape the disappointment before it even lands.

before he can take it into genuine consideration, the pastors voice sounds. “you say you have never sinned, child, yet you kneel here trembling.

that wasn’t what jeongin meant. he has a feeling the pastor knows that, too. still, the weight of his words sinks heavy onto jeongin’s shoulders. his hands curl tighter in his lap.

there’s another long pause between them, likely because the pastor is giving jeongin a chance to reply without being prompted. when it’s clear the bait won’t be taken, he begins again with the unnerving firmness that’s usually reserved for sermons.

“confession is not a performance,” says the pastor. jeongin swallows to try and relieve his dry throat as he listens to the wood creak below the pastors shifting weight. “it is truth. so speak what burdens your soul, and speak it plainly.”

jeongin’s eyes squeeze shut. part of him wishes the man were angry. disappointed, maybe. he’d prefer anything over this tone—the gentle insistence that only serves to dig jeongin further into guilt and shame.

“i…” his tongue feels too thick for his mouth.

it’s so difficult to discuss these things in front of someone who isn’t you. he can’t say it aloud to some who isn’t you, someone who’s holy.

the pastor clears his throat to fill the silence that jeongin won’t fill.

“have you acted against god’s teachings?”

the way it’s phrased makes jeongin flinch, but he nods regardless. his voice comes out thin as he forces out a small “i… i think so.”

“you think so?” the pastor echos. there an audible dismay in the question. jeongin can practically see the frown the man is sporting. “sin is not vague, my son. it is deliberate. tell me what you have done.”

all too quickly, the memory of you on his lap flashes through his mind. he closes his eyes to escape it, but the darkness only allows him to see it better—the scene long since etched into the back of his eyelids. it’s warm and far too consuming for this wooden box.

“i-“ jeongin tries again only to cut himself off with a shaky inhale. “i’ve done things. with someone.”

the pastor has no audible reaction, just continues in the some tone: “acts of flesh?”

jeongin’s face burns. he just nods for a long moment before remembering that the pastor can’t avtually see him.

“yes.”

a pause.

“were these acts coerced?”

“what?? no- no, never, i-“ jeongin’s words tumble over themselves so fast that it feels like more of a gasp of air than an actual defense. he’s going to be sick. “i wanted it.”

“then what is the sin in your heart? the act, or the desire?”

jeongin goes still, the question catching him so off guard that it feels more like a physical blow than a handful of carefully arranged words. because jeongin doesn’t know—or because maybe its both. or is it neither?

maybe it’s because maybe the real is is how holy that night had felt.

his breathing picks up. it’s too fast, too noticeable. the pastor senses it before jeongin can even take an inhale.

“child,” his voice drops but stays just as steady as before. “your fear tells me far more than our words. you carry guilt, but guilt doesn’t always come from god.”

jeongin’s eyes flick up again to try and look through the little screen, but still can’t see much other than shapes and shadows.

the pastor lets out a long, weary breath. jeongin says nothing. they are both quiet for a moment too long—so long that jeongin’s skin raises with goosebumps.

when the elder does finally speak it’s a little sharper than before.

“you speak of the woman, yes?’

jeongin’s brow twitches in confusion, lips parting around an answer that doesn’t make itself heard for long moment. “i… who?”

“the girl, child. you know of whom i speak.”

jeongin’s breath catches in his throat and his fingers twitch against his knees.

“how—“

“you forget,” the pastor begins, “i see the faces in my pews. i see who enters god’s house and you they… distract”

jeongin’s mouth goes dry, shame and something metallic coils in his gut.

“she comes infrequently. sits near the back. watches you more than she watches the alter.”

at the same time jeongin’s pulse shoots up, his stomach drops somewhere far below the wood his knees dig into.

he knows

the pastor’s rosary beads click softly. the sound causes jeongin to flinch.

“tell me, child…” the pastor pauses, letting jeongin’s shame seep deeper into his bones. “was it her?”

“…yes.”

there’s another long pause. jeongin wishes he could at the very least see the other man’s face—the fear of not knowing makes his skin along his spine crawl.

the sound that finally breaks their silence is that of the man’s sigh, one born of pure disappointment. it feels rehearsed, almost. performative for maximum impact. “i feared as much.”

jeongin flinches.

“she is… not a righteous influence. you know this, don’t you?”

jeongin’s hands clench into fists over his thighs, the slight sting of his nails digging into his skin somehow helping him breathe.

“that’s not-“ but he stops himself when he realizes he doesn’t actually know who he’s trying to defend. you? himself? it is one or the other, and jeongin can’t tell which is which.

the pastor hums, low and pitying. “do not mistake temptation for connection, jeongin.”

hearing his name spoken aloud through the dark grid makes him tense. it seems to echo around the booth in a way none of the other words do, reverberating again and again until it drowns out all other things.

jeongin likes his name—likes the way you say it. from the pastor, though, it sounds more like a threat than anything else.

“this girl arrives in god’s house seeking nothing holy. and yet, she seems to seek you with utmost purpose. why is that?”

the words hit heavy. too heavy. jeongin’s heart hammers so hard against his ribs that he raises a hand to his chest, trying to smooth himself enough to keep his heart from jumping out of its cage.

“i don’t know—“

“what purpose, jeongin?”

“i dont know.”

the pastors tongue clicks in annoyance before saying, “some souls desire only to pull others down with them.” the words send jeongin’s entire body into a rigid statue. the pastor continues, tone softening but the meaning staying brutal.

“you feel guilty because you were not the seducer. you were the one seduced.”

jeongin’s eyes snap up, something that feels like betrayal sparks white hot at the base of his spine.

“that isn’t what- she didn’t—“

“Did you go to her?” the pastor interrupts without care, stern and unforgiving. “or did she come to you?”

jeongin freezes. he can’t answer. he doesn’t have to—not when his unresponsiveness give the pastor every answer he needs.

“exactly.”

there’s a rustle of robes as the pastor shifts closer to the screen. “child, you must understand. you are kind. impressionable. eager to please. someone like her sees that, uses it against you and takes pride in your downfall.

jeongin feels the words like fingers around his neck, tying a pretty bow around his throat thats made of barbed wire. his chest tightens and his throat burns. he can’t do this any more. he can’t.

“that’s not- you don’t understand, she’s not- i…” he cna’t finish. can’t breathe.

“you kneel here because part of you knows she delights in your corruption.”

jeongin’s heart stops. the pastor seems to take that as a sign to deliver his final blow.

“and part you… i fear, my child, that part of you enjoys it.”

the words echo in the small wooden box just as his name had before. they press hard into jeongin’s skin, so hard that it caused something deep below his skin to crack.

“stop.” it comes out before he can actually think it through—a little thing, but it’s the first piece of defiance he makes. it makes the pastor go still.

“pardon?”

jeongin’s jaw ticks tighter as he swallows hard. “she didn’t-“ he tries his best to keep his voice out steady and curses himself when he fails. “she didn’t use me.”

a laugh escapes the pastor then—not quite cruel, but quiet, dismissively knowing, almost like a parent indulging a child a lie.

“jeongin, it is common to mistake manipulation for affection—“

“but that’s not what happened.”

“you are too inexperienced to discern the difference.”

jeongin’s fingers dig into the meat of his thighs. his shame flares hot but he doesn’t choke on it this time—it turns to anger before he even gets the chance. the heat of it seeps into his next words.

“you don’t even know her.”

the pastors reply is maddeningly calm. “no, but i do know you, my son.” jeongin opens his mouth to intercept, but is never allowed the chance. “you have always been too gentle, devoted, so easily guided by hands other than your own.”

“im not just some, naive kid-“ jeongin does choke this time, but it’s on frustration rather than guilt.

“no,” the pastor agrees. “but you are a soul who yearns to belong. a soul that clings.” a beat passes. “that makes you vulnerable, jeongin.”

jeongin’s breathing turns shallow and uneven. the walls narrow, closing in around him. he’s never felt more cornered in his life.

“you’re twisting it,” he whispers. “she didn’t force me to do anything. i went to her- i chose—“

“stop”.

the single word cracks through the booth like a whip.

then, authoritative and cold beneath the projected softness: “lust convinces a man he is making choices, even when he is being led by the nape.”

“she didn’t lead me. she doesn’t lead me,” jeongin insists, but it lacks conviction. “…she doesn’t.”

“then why are you here?”

jeongin’s mouth opens. when nothing comes out he closes it. he doesn’t know. he doesn’t fucking know. he wants to, he needs to, but he doesn’t.

the pastor doesn’t give him a moment to recollect before pushing further.

“if your heart were clean, you would feel peace, not torment. she is not in this booth with you, is she?”

jeongin shakes his head. the pastor continues, voice slipping into a tone so gentle it was suffocating. “i am the one who can absolve you, child. who can guide you. i only wish the best for your soul. she cares so little where it lands.”

silence. heavy and choking.

“if you remain near her, you will fall further, and you will fall alone.”

jeongin doesn’t realize he’s crying until the first tear falls, the drop splashing against the back of his hand. it shocks him enough that he raises his hand to wipe under his eyes. what shocks him further is that his fingers pull away damp, because it wasn’t actually the first tear to fall, only the first he realized.

his next inhale was sharp enough to make a sound, choked and sad. the pastor hears, and his tone shifts to something a little more soothing—trying to patch a wound with words.

“not all is lost, jeongin. love that pulls you from god is not love, it is chains. and they will break you… but you have not yet wandered astray. you are here, and if you stay, if you come with me, you will never be alone.”

after his confessions, jeongin makes himself disappear from your field of focus. he’s started staying wednesday’s after choir practice, sitting in the front pews for each sermon. he even stays late to help tidy and clean.

it’s redemption, he tells himself. he’s replacing the time he would’ve previously gifted you to the lord instead—worshipping and praying and taking literal notes during preachings.

it’s redemption. addiction is a sin, so by avoiding you he’s clearing his name. he’s reclaiming his time, regaining innocence, recovering stability.

redemption.

addiction shows up again every now and then though—choir mates telling him someone was waiting for him after practice—and he finds he has to remind himself why he left you.

the worst scare he had with chasing you, with relapsing, was two weeks after his time in the booth. it’s sunday, the lord’s day, and he’s spending it the way any good follower should—at the church.

jeongin’s where he always is on sunday mornings: third row, second on the left. his voice is strong, carrying in perfect harmony across the sanctuary.

but then he looks up.

fourth row from the back, left side. you're sitting with your hands folded in your lap, eyes fixed on him. not the pastor, not the altar, not the stained glass—him.

jeongin's voice cracks.

it's subtle at first, just a slight waver on the tail end of a note, but it's enough. enough that the woman beside him glances over. enough that the pastor's gaze snaps to him mid-gesture, sharp and assessing.

jeongin tries to recover, he really does. he pushes through the next line, but his throat tightens and the words come out thin, strained. his eyes drop back to the hymnal in his hands but the notes blur together.

he can feel the pastor still watching him. can feel you watching him.

the song ends. the congregation sits. jeongin's heart is pounding so hard he's certain the girl next to him can hear it.

the pastor steps forward to deliver the sermon, but jeongin doesn't hear a single word. his eyes stay fixed on the hymnal, on his shoes, on anything that isn't the fourth row from the back.

the moment the choir is dismissed—the second the pastor gives the nod—jeongin is moving.

he doesn't wait for the closing hymn. doesn't linger to chat with the other members. doesn't even grab his jacket from the back room.

he just leaves.

he takes the side exit, the one that leads to the parking lot, and he walks fast enough that his dress shoes click sharp against the pavement. his hands are shaking. his chest is tight. he can't breathe right and he hates it, hates that just seeingyou was enough to undo two weeks of progress.

redemption, he reminds himself.

but it feels more like running.

friday youth group is supposed to be different.

it's supposed to be easier. less formal than sunday service, less suffocating than choir practice. it's held in the basement of the church, where folding chairs are arranged in a circle and there's always stale cookies on a table in the corner. the pastor doesn't lead it—some youth coordinator named jinyoung does, a guy in his late thirties who wears graphic tees with bible verses on them and tries too hard to be relatable.

jeongin used to like him, but lately he finds him insufferable.

jeongin's been coming every friday for the past two months. not because he wants to, but because he needs to. because the pastor suggested it during one of their private sessions, and jeongin didn't have it in him to say no.

so here he is, sitting in a metal folding chair that squeaks every time he shifts his weight, hands folded in his lap, eyes fixed on the worn carpet beneath his feet. there's maybe ten other people here tonight—mostly kids his age, a few younger. they're talking amongst themselves, laughing about something that happened at one of their college classes, something jeongin wasn't present for and doesn't care to know about.

jinyoung’s setting up at the front, shuffling through notes and adjusting the small speaker he uses to play worship music. everything feels routine. predictable. safe.

jeongin doesn't look up when the door swings open. people trickle in late all the time so it's nothing out of the ordinary. but then he hears it—a voice he hasn't heard in two months, a voice that makes his entire body go rigid.

"sorry, is this the youth group thing?"

his head snaps up so fast it hurts.

you're standing in the doorway, one hand on the frame, looking around the room with an expression that's equal parts curiosity and mild disdain. you’re wearing your usual: a tiny skirt and a smaller top. it’s not even remotely formal, but the jacket you wear over top offers jeongin some relief.

jinyoung looks up from his notes, smiling that wide, welcoming smile he always does. "yeah, come on in! we haven't started yet, grab a seat wherever."

you nod, stepping inside, and your eyes scan the circle of chairs. when they land on jeongin, you stop.

for a moment, neither of you move.

then you smile—small, barely there, just enough to make jeongin's heart lurch—and you make your way over to the empty chair directly next to him.

jeongin's hands tighten in his lap. his throat goes dry. he wants to leave. he wants to run. but he can't, not without making a scene, not without drawing attention.

so he stays.

you sit down, crossing one leg over the other and lean back in your chair like you belong here. like you've been coming every week. like this isn't only the second time you've ever set foot in this basement.

jeongin can do nothing but stare at the floor.

"alright, everyone!" jinyoung claps his hands together, drawing the room's attention. "let's get started in just a minute. feel free to grab some snacks if you want, we've got cookies and—"

"jeongin."

your voice cuts through jinyoung’s rambling like a blade. jeongin's eyes snap up despite himself, and you're looking right at him, head tilted slightly, expression unreadable. jinyoung caries on with his speech, but jeongin hears none of it.

"hey," you say casually like this is something normal. like the last two months of absence didn't even happen.

he opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. his throat is too tight, his chest too constricted. he manages a nod, barely, and you smile again—wider this time, a little sharper.

"didn't think i'd see you here," you continue, voice low enough that only he can hear it over jinyoung’s continued instructions. "thought you'd be too busy hiding."

jeongin's jaw ticks. he doesn't respond, because this is supposed to be him hiding. you’ve just found a way to seek him out. again.

she seems to seek you with utmost purpose. why is that? the pastors voice rings in his mind, and suddenly jeongin feels the same sickness he did in the confession booth.

you don’t seem to notice though, or if you do you just don’t care. you lean forward slightly, elbows resting on your knees. your eyes don't leave his as you say, "you've been ignoring me."

"i haven't—"

"you have." your tone isn't accusatory, just factual. "two months, jeongin. not a single word."

he swallows hard. "i've been busy."

"with what? this?" you gesture vaguely around the room, at the circle of chairs and the faded posters on the walls. "you've been busy with youth group and singing about your beloved lord and savior?"

jeongin sounds nothing short of exasperated as he begins to defend himself. "it's not—"

"alright, alright!" jinyoungs voice cuts in again, louder this time, and jeongin is almost grateful for the interruption. "let's go ahead and get started. everyone take a seat, we're gonna open with a quick prayer and then dive into tonight's topic."

you sit back, crossing your arms, but your eyes stay on jeongin. he can feel the weight of your gaze even as he forces himself to look at jinyoung, to focus on literally anything else.

jinyoung starts the prayer. jeongin closes his eyes, but he doesn't hear a word of it. his mind is too loud, too chaotic. you're here. you're sitting across right next to, close enough that he could reach out and touch you if he wanted, and he doesn't know what to do with that.

after the prayer ends jinyoung launches into his introduction, something about temptation and resisting sin, and jeongin's stomach drops.

because of course. of course that's the topic tonight.

jinyoung talks about how temptation comes in many forms, how it's designed to appeal to our weaknesses, how we have to stay vigilant and grounded in faith. he's animated, gesturing with his hands, and a few people in the circle nod along.

jeongin can't focus on any of it. because you're still staring at him, and now you're smiling—not the sharp, pointed smile from before, but something softer, almost amused.

and then you uncross your legs.

it's such a small movement, barely noticeable, but jeongin notices. of course he does. and when you cross them again, slower this time, your knee brushes against his.

jeongin's breath catches. his eyes snap to yours, wide and almost panicked, and you just tilt your head, feigning innocence.

"sorry," you mutter, but your expression says you're anything but.

jeongin jerks his leg back, pressing it against the opposite side of his chair, and you have the audacity to laugh. it’s quiet, barely audible, but very real.

jinyoung’s still talking, something about accountability, about having people in your life who keep you on the right path. jeongin's ears are ringing.

you lean forward again, just slightly, and this time your hand moves—resting on the edge of your chair, fingers tapping idly against the metal. it’s when your hand shifts, reaching across the space between you to brush your fingertips over his knee, that jeongin freezes.

your touch is light, barely there, but it's enough to make his entire body go rigid. he doesn't pull away this time—he can't. he's locked in place, caught between the urge to flee and the inexplicable pull that's kept him tethered to you since the beginning.

you don't say anything. you just let your fingers rest there, feather-light, and turn your attention back to jinyoung like nothing's happening.

jeongin's heart is pounding so hard he's certain everyone can hear it. his hands are trembling in his lap, and he clenches them into fists to stop the shaking. he tries to focus on jinyoung’s words, on the discussion, on literally anything else, but it's impossible.

because you're touching him.

you’re touching him in a church basement. during youth group. surrounded by people.

and he's not stopping you.

"so," jinyoung says, clapping his hands together again, "let's open it up. has anyone struggled with temptation recently? anything you want to share or ask for prayer about?"

silence. a few people shift in their seats, jeongin included, but no one speaks up.

not until you do, at least.

"i have a question."

jeongin's stomach drops. your hand pulls away from his knee, and he almost—almost—reaches for it before catching himself.

jinyoung’s face lights up. "of course! go ahead."

you lean back in your chair, arms crossing again, and your gaze flicks to jeongin for just a second before returning to jinyoung. "what if the temptation isn't something you want to resist?"

jinyoung blinks. "uh, what do you mean?"

"like, what if it's not this big evil thing?" you continue, conversational like you’’re talking about the weather instead of literal sin. "what if it's just… something that makes you happy? something that feels good? why would you resist that?"

jinyoung hesitates, clearly thrown off. "well, not all things that feel good are good for us. that's kind of the whole point of temptation. it's appealing, but it leads us away from god's plan."

"but how do you know it's not part of god's plan?" you counter, tilting your head. "maybe the thing you're calling temptation is actually just life. maybe resisting it is what's wrong."

a few people in the circle exchange glances. jinyoung shifts his weight, clearly uncomfortable. "i think… i think that's where discernment comes in. we have to pray, seek guidance, and—"

"but what if you've already done that?" you interrupt, and now your eyes are on jeongin again. "what if you've prayed and prayed, and the answer you keep getting is to just… let yourself feel it?"

jeongin's chest tightens. he knows damn well you're not talking about yourself.

jinyoung fumbles for a response but you don't wait for one. you just sit back, satisfied, and let the silence hang heavy in the air.

the rest of the session passes in a blur. jeongin doesn't hear another word. his mind is stuck on your question, on the way you looked at him when you asked it, on the ghost of your touch still lingering on his knee.

when jinyoung finally dismisses the group, jeongin is the first one out of his chair. he doesn't say goodbye to anyone, doesn't stop to grab a cookie. he just heads for the door, desperate for air, for space, for distance.

but then your voice cuts through the noise of people packing up and chatting.

"jeongin."

he stops. his hand is on the door, and he's so close to escaping, but he stops.

you're standing a few feet away, arms crossed, expression unreadable.

"wait for me outside," you say. it's not a question.

jeongin's throat tightens. he should say no. he should turn around and leave and never look back. but instead, he nods.

when you walk past him, brushing your shoulder against his as you head for the cookie corner, he knows he's already lost.

the cold air outside the church feels sharper than it should.

jeongin stands a few feet from the back door, hands shoved deep in his jacket pockets, shoulders hunched against the chill. his breath comes out in short, visible puffs, and he tells himself he's only out here because he needed air. because the basement was too warm, too crowded, too suffocating.

not because you told him to meet you.

not because the second you brushed past him, every rational thought in his head evaporated.

the door opens behind him with a soft creak, and he doesn't need to turn around to know it's you. he can feel it—the shift in the air, the way his entire body goes tense and alert all at once.

"hey,"

jeongin doesn't turn around when he says "you shouldn't be out here."

"neither should you." your footsteps are soft against the pavement as you move closer. "and yet…"

"i'm serious." his voice is tight, strained. "we shouldn't be talking. we shouldn't be alone together."

"why not?"

"you know why."

"do i?" you're right behind him now. close enough that he can feel the warmth radiating off you despite the cold. "or are you just repeating what someone else told you?"

jeongin finally turns around, and the look on his face is somewhere between desperate and furious. "this isn't about what someone told me. this is about what's right. we can't-" he gestures vaguely between the two of you. "we can't do this."

"do what?" you challenge, crossing your arms. "stand near each other? talk?"

"you know what i mean."

"then say it." your eyes lock onto his. "tell me exactly what you think we're doing that's so wrong."

jeongin's jaw clenches. "everything. all of it. being near you, thinking about you-" he stops himself, shaking his head. "i shouldn't want—"

"but you do."

"that doesn't make it right."

"says who?" you snap, taking a step closer. jeongin takes a step back, his shoulders nearly hitting the brick wall behind him. "your pastor? the people in there?" you gesture toward the church. "or you?"

"it doesn't matter—"

"it's the only thing that matters." your voice is firm but not unkind. "because if it's just their voices in your head, then maybe you need to ask yourself what you actually believe."

jeongin's breathing is getting faster, more uneven. "you think it's that simple? you think i can just… just ignore everything i've been taught? everything i am?"

"i think," you say slowly, "that you've been so ‘busy’ trying to be what everyone else wants you to be that you forgot to figure out who you actually are."

"that's not-" he stops, his hands coming out of his pockets to gesture helplessly. "you don't understand. i can't just throw away my faith because—"

"i'm not asking you to throw away your faith," you interrupt. "i'm asking you to be honest with yourself. to stop pretending you don't feel what you feel."

"and what do you think i feel, y/n?" his voice is almost a whisper now, strained and raw.

"the same thing i do."

the words hang in the cold air between you.

jeongin stares at you, and for a moment he looks like he might bolt. his hands are trembling at his sides, his chest rising and falling rapidly. "we shouldn't." he tries again, weaker this time. "we can't-"

"bullshit."

his eyes snap to yours. "what?"

"you heard me." you take another step closer, and now there's barely any space between you. "it's bullshit, jeongin. we both know you want this. we both know you've wanted this since the beginning."

"but that doesn't mean—"

"it means everything." you laugh then, humorless and strained. "it means you're not as good at lying to yourself as you think you are."

something in jeongin's expression cracks. his jaw tightens, his hands clench into fists, and suddenly there's anger there—real, genuine anger. "you think you have it all figured out, don't you?" his voice is sharp now, cutting. "you think you can just show up after two months and- and what? tell me what i want? what i feel?"

"i'm not telling you anything, i'm just pointing out what's already there."

"well, you're wrong," he snaps, taking a step forward now, closing the distance between you himself. "you don't know anything about me. you don't know what i've been through, what i've been trying to—"

"then tell me i'm wrong," it’s your second challenge of the evening, this one more heated than the last. "tell me you don't think about me. tell me you didn't spend the last two months trying not to. tell me that when you saw me tonight, your first thought wasn't relief."

jeongin's breathing is ragged now. "you don't get to—"

"tell me," you press, more conviction in your voice than you meant there to be. "that you don't want to kiss me right now."

"i-" his voice breaks. he's so close now that you can see the way his pupils are dilated, the way his chest is heaving, the way his hands are shaking with the effort of holding himself back. "i can't."

"baby, you can—"

"no, i can't, because if i do then everything i've been trying to hold onto will…"

his sentence is never finished, because before he can he’s surging forward and planting his lips onto yours.

it's not soft or tentative. it's desperate and messy and two months of pent-up longing breaking apart all at once. his hands come up to cup your face, holding you like you might disappear if he lets go. you respond immediately, your arms wrapping around his neck and pulling him closer.

jeongin makes a sound against your mouth—something between a gasp and a whimper—and then he's pressing you back against the brick wall, his body flush against yours. his lips are insistent, demanding, like he's trying to pour every thought he's been holding back into this one moment.

your hands slide into his hair, tugging slightly, and he moans. the sound is quiet but unmistakable, and it sends heat flooding through you. you tilt your head, deepening the kiss, and jeongin follows eagerly, his tongue sliding against yours.

it's overwhelming. it's too much and not enough all at once.

you slide a knee between his legs, pressing up, and jeongin's hips jerk forward involuntarily. he breaks the kiss with a shattered inhale, his forehead dropping to your shoulder. "oh god," he breathes, voice shaking. "oh god-"

"shh," you murmur, your hands moving from his hair to his shoulders, grounding him. "it's okay."

"it's not," he lifts his head, and his eyes are wild, pupils blown wide. "w-we can't… we're outside, anyone could—"

"then we'll stop if someone comes," you say, but even as you say it, you're pulling him back in.

jeongin doesn't resist. if anything, he kisses you harder this time, more confident, like something inside him has finally snapped. his hands move from your face to your waist, gripping tight, and when you press your knee up again he doesn't pull away. instead, he grinds down against it, a broken sound escaping his throat.

"fuck," he gasps against your lips, and the word sounds foreign coming from him. wrong and perfect at the same time.

"that's it," you murmur, your hands sliding under his jacket, feeling the heat of his skin through his shirt. "let go, sweet boy."

"i can't- i shouldn't—"

"you already are, baby"

and he is. his hips are moving in shallow, desperate rolls against your thigh, his breathing ragged and uneven. his hands are everywhere—your waist, your hips, sliding up your sides—like he can't decide where to touch you, like he wants all of you at once.

you kiss along his jaw, down to his neck, and when your teeth graze his pulse point he makes a sound that's almost a sob. "please.”

"i've got you," you murmur against his skin. "i've got you."

jeongin's hands tighten on your waist, pulling you impossibly closer, and for a moment there's nothing but this—the heat of his body against yours, the taste of his lips, the sound of his desperate breathing in your ear.

and then—

"jeongin?"

the voice breaks through the haze like a bucket of ice water.

jeongin jerks back so fast he nearly trips over his own feet, eyes wide and panicked. you turn your head to see seungmin standing a few feet away, the back door still propped open behind him.

seungmin's eyes dart between the two of you, taking in jeongin's swollen lips, his disheveled hair, the way his chest is still heaving. his expression shifts from confusion to something sharper—realization.

"i-" jeongin stammers, his face flushing red. "i was just- we were—"

"jeongin needed some air," you cut in smoothly, your voice calm and unbothered. you lean back against the wall like nothing happened, like your heart isn't racing just as fast as jeongin's. "it was getting stuffy in there."

seungmin's eyes narrow slightly. "right," he says slowly, clearly not buying it. "air."

"yeah," jeongin says too quickly, running a hand through his hair and only making it look more disheveled. "just, uh, just needed a minute."

seungmin's gaze lingers on him for a long moment before shifting to you. "jinyoung's looking for you," he says to jeongin. "said he wanted to talk about something."

"oh. oh, okay. yeah, i'll… i'll be right there." jeongin's voice is shaken, doing nothing to hide the his breathlessness.

seungmin doesn't move. he just stands there, watching, and the silence stretches uncomfortably.

"thanks for letting us know," you say, breaking the tension. "we'll head back in a second."

seungmin's jaw tightens slightly. "sure," he says, but his tone makes it clear he doesn't believe a word of this. he looks at jeongin one more time—a long, searching look—before turning and heading back inside.

the door swings shut behind him, and the silence that follows is deafening.

jeongin immediately puts several feet of distance between you, pressing his back to the wall so his back can slide down the structure until he’s sitting on the cold pavement. he drops his head into his hands, his breathing still uneven.

"oh god," he whispers. "oh my god."

"he didn't see anything—"

"he saw," jeongin interrupts, his voice muffled by his hands. "he saw, and now he's going to- he's gonna tell people, and—"

"he's not going to tell anyone," you say firmly, crouching down in front of him. "he's suspicious, but he doesn't know for sure."

"he knows enough." jeongin lifts his head, and his eyes are glassy with unshed tears. "god, what have i done? what have i—"

"you didn't do anything wrong."

"yes, i did!" his voice cracks. "i kissed you. i- i let myself…" he trails off, squeezing his eyes shut. "i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid."

"jeongin-"

"i have to go," he says suddenly, scrambling to his feet. "i have to—i need to talk to jinyoung before seungmin does. i need to—"

"jeongin, wait." you call, but he's already moving toward the door, his hands shaking as he reaches for the handle.

"i'm sorry," he says without looking back at you. his voice is barely above a whisper. "i'm so sorry."

and then he's gone, disappearing back into the warm glow of the church and leaving you alone in the cold.

sunday comes too quickly.

jeongin sits through the entire service in a fog, barely registering pastor lee's sermon about forgiveness and grace. the words wash over him like white noise, meaningless in the face of everything churning in his mind. he's barely slept in two days. every time he closes his eyes, he sees seungmin's face in the alley, that look of knowing.

he's been avoiding seungmin's texts. avoiding thinking about friday night altogether. avoiding the memory of your lips on his, your hands in his hair, the way his body had moved against yours like it had a mind of its own.

avoiding the shame that follows every time he remembers how good it felt.

when the service finally ends, jeongin clutches his bible to his chest like a shield and makes his way toward the exit. he's almost free—almost safe in the spaciousness of the parking lot—when seungmin falls into step beside him.

"hey," seungmin says casually, like he hadn’t see jeongin pressed against a wall with someone he shouldn't have been touching.

"hey," jeongin replies, voice tight.

they walk in silence for a moment, weaving through clusters of families and elderly couples chatting on the front steps. the sun is bright and warm, a stark contrast to the cold knot in jeongin's stomach.

"you've been quiet lately," seungmin observes. "everything okay?"

"yeah. just tired."

"tired," seungmin repeats, like he's testing the word. "right."

jeongin's grip tightens on his bible. "what do you want me to say, seungmin?"

"i don't want you to say anything," seungmin says mildly. "just checking in. you seemed kind of off on friday."

off. that's one way to put it.

"i'm fine," jeongin says firmly, hoping that will be the end of it.

it's not.

"you know you can talk to me, right?" seungmin's voice is gentler now, concerned. "if something's going on—"

"nothing's going on."

"jeongin."

"i said i'm fine."

seungmin falls silent, but jeongin can feel his eyes on him. analyzing. worrying. it makes his skin crawl.

they step into the parking lot, and jeongin's already scanning for his car, already planning his escape, when he sees you.

you're leaning against the hood of your car, arms crossed, sunglasses perched on your nose. you're wearing pants and a simple t-shirt, nothing fancy, but somehow you still manage to look completely out of place among the church crowd in their sunday best.

jeongin stops dead in his tracks.

seungmin nearly runs into him. "dude, what-" he starts, but promptly trails of after following jeongin's gaze. "oh."

your head turns toward them, and even though jeongin can't see your eyes behind the sunglasses, he knows you're looking right at him.

"i'll, uh," seungmin says slowly, "i'll catch you later."

jeongin barely registers him leaving. his feet move on their own, carrying him across the parking lot toward you even as his brain screams at him to turn around, to run.

"what are you doing here?" he hisses when he's close enough that no one else will hear.

you push your sunglasses up onto your head, revealing those eyes that have haunted him for two days straight. "i wanted to see you."

"you can't just- you shouldn't be here."

"why not?" you ask with a shrug of your shoulder. "it's a public parking lot."

"because," jeongin glances around frantically, but no one seems to be paying attention. everyone's too busy with their own conversations, their own lives. "because people will see. people will talk."

"let them talk."

"that's easy for you to say," jeongin snaps, his voice low and strained. "you don't have to deal with the consequences. you don't have to—"

"come home with me."

the words hit him like a physical blow. he blinks. "what?"

"come home with me," you repeat, like it's the simplest thing in the world. "we need to talk."

"we can't- i can't—"

"yes, you can."

"no, i can't," jeongin insists, clutching his bible tighter. "i have things to do. i have to—my parents are expecting me for lunch, and—"

"text them. tell them you're not feeling well."

"i'm not going to lie to my parents."

"then tell them the truth," you say, taking a step closer. "tell them you're going to spend the afternoon with someone who actually gives a shit about what you want."

jeongin's breath catches. "that's not fair."

"none of this is fair," you say quietly. "but i'm asking anyway. please, jeongin. just a couple hours. that's all i'm asking."

he should say no. he knows he should say no. every rational part of his brain is screaming at him to walk away, to go home, to pretend friday night never happened.

but when he looks at you—really looks at you—all he can think about is how it felt to finally let go. how it felt to stop fighting for just a few minutes and want something without guilt or shame.

"okay," he whispers.

your expression softens. "okay?"

"yeah. okay." he swallows hard. "but just—just for a little while."

"that's all i need."

the car ride is silent.

jeongin sits in the passenger seat, his bible still clutched in his lap like a lifeline, staring out the window as the familiar streets of his neighborhood blur past. he sent his parents a text—not feeling great, going to rest at home—and then turned his phone on silent so he wouldn't have to see their worried responses.

another lie. another sin to add to the growing list.

you don't try to fill the silence. you just drive, one hand on the wheel, the other resting casually on the center console. jeongin's hyper aware of every movement you make, every shift of your body, every breath.

it's suffocating.

about halfway to your place, the guilt becomes too much.

"i'm sorry," jeongin blurts out.

you glance at him briefly before returning your eyes to the road. "for what?"

"for friday. for leaving you there. alone." his voice is shaking. "that was—that was really, uh, shitty of me."

"you were scared," you say simply.

"that's not an excuse."

"i didn't say it was." you pause, hesitating out of fear of saying something that could scare him away. "but i understand."

jeongin shakes his head. "you shouldn't. you shouldn't understand. i kissed you and then i just- i ran. like a coward."

"you're not a coward."

"yes i am," he insists, his voice cracking. "i've been running from this since the beginning. running from you. from myself. from everything i—" he stops, the words catching in his throat.

"everything you what?" you prompt gently.

jeongin turns to look at you, and the words spill out before he can stop them. "everything i want but know i shouldn't have."

the silence that follows is heavy, weighted with all the things neither of you are saying.

"jeongin," you say finally, your voice soft. "you know it's okay to want things, right? to want someone?"

"not like this," he whispers. "not when it goes against everything i've been taught. everything i'm supposed to believe."

"and what do you believe?" you ask. "not what your parents believe. not what the church believes. what do you believe?"

jeongin doesn't answer. he can't.

because the truth is, he doesn't know anymore.

you reach over and rest your hand on top of his where it's clenched around his bible. the touch is gentle, grounding, and jeongin feels something in his chest crack open.

"we'll figure it out," you say quietly. "together. okay?"

jeongin stares down at your hand on his. at the way your fingers curl around his knuckles, warm and steady.

"okay," he whispers.

and for the first time since he last saw you, the knot in his chest loosens just a little.

your apartment is smaller than jeongin expected. cozier, too. the living room is warm and lived-in, with soft throw blankets draped over the couch and a few plants clustered by the window. it smells faintly of vanilla and something floral—candles, maybe, or incense.

you're curled up on one end of the couch, legs tucked beneath you, looking perfectly at ease. jeongin, on the other hand, sits on the other end, spine rigid, hands clasped tightly in his lap. he's still holding his bible, though he's not sure why. it feels wrong to set it down. wrong to let go.

"you can relax, you know," you say, a hint of amusement in your voice. "i'm not going to bite."

jeongin's laugh comes out strained. "i know. i just…" he trails off, not sure how to finish sentence. it’s hard to speak when you don’t even know what to say.

you've been talking for the better part of an hour. talking about friday night. about what happened. about what it meant. you've been patient, letting him stumble through his words, letting him work through the mess in his head without judgment.

and somehow, impossibly, it's helped.

"i'm glad you came," you say quietly. "i know it wasn't easy."

"nothing about this is easy," jeongin admits. he sets the bible down on the coffee table—finally—and runs a hand through his hair. "but i'm glad i came too."

you smile at that, soft and genuine, and jeongin feels something tug in his chest. he wants to reach out. wants to close the distance between you on the couch. wants to feel your hand in his again like he did in the car.

but he doesn't. he can't.

instead, he clenches his hands into fists against his thighs and forces himself to stay still.

"you're doing it again," you observe.

jeongin blinks once. twice. "what?"

"fighting with yourself." you tilt your head, studying the way his left brow twitches. "i can see it. you're sitting there like you're scared to move."

"i'm not scared," jeongin says automatically, even though it's a lie.

"okay," you say, and there's no challenge in your voice. just understanding. "then what are you?"

jeongin swallows hard before forcing out a chipped laugh. "terrified."

the honesty surprises even him. but once the word is out, he can't take it back.

"of me?" you ask gently, like approaching a kicked dog in hopes it won’t bite.

"of this, i guess. of what i feel when i'm around you." he looks down at his hands. "of what it means if i stop fighting it."

you're quiet for a moment, and then you uncurl yourself from your end of the couch. jeongin's breath catches as you move closer, crossing the space between you until you're sitting right beside him.

"jeongin," you say softly, and he lifts his head to meet your eyes. "you don't have to have all the answers right now. you don't have to figure everything out today."

"then what am i supposed to do?" he whispers.

"just be here," your smile is small but sincere. "with me. that's enough." you lean in and press a kiss to his cheek. it's so simple, so gentle.

it shatters something inside him.

before he can think—before he can stop himself—jeongin turns his head and captures your lips with his.

the kiss is slow. tentative. like he's testing the waters, making sure this is real, making sure you're not going to pull away. but you don't. you actually lean into it, your hand coming up to cup his jaw, and jeongin feels his entire body relax for the first time in days.

it's nothing like friday night. there's no urgency, no desperation. just softness. honesty. the quiet acknowledgment of something neither of you can name yet but both of you feel.

jeongin's hand moves on its own, coming up to rest on your waist. you shift closer, and he pulls you in, his other hand finding the small of your back. the kiss deepens, just a little, and jeongin's heart is racing but it doesn't feel like panic anymore.

it feels like relief.

you break away just long enough to catch your breath, your forehead resting against his. "is this okay?" you whisper.

"yeah," jeongin breathes. "yeah, it's- it's more than okay."

and then he's kissing you again, a little firmer this time, a little more sure. his fingers curl into the fabric of your shirt, anchoring himself to you, and you respond in kind, your hands sliding up to tangle in his hair.

the world narrows down to this: the warmth of your body against his, the taste of your lips, the way your breath hitches when he tilts his head and kisses you deeper.

it's jeongin who pushes forward. jeongin who pulls you closer until you're practically in his lap. jeongin who lets out a quiet, shaky sound when your teeth graze his bottom lip.

he's not running anymore.

not this time.

the bible slips from the couch cushion as you shift onto his lap, tumbling to the floor with a soft thud that jeongin barely registers. his hands are already moving to your hips, steadying you, and for the first time in his life he doesn't reach down to pick it up.

he doesn't even look at it.

all he can focus on is you—the weight of you settling against him, the way your thighs bracket his, the warmth radiating through the fabrics that separate you. his breath comes quick and shallow, his pulse thundering in his ears.

"is this okay, baby?" you ask again, your voice barely above a whisper, your hands resting on his shoulders.

jeongin nods, not trusting his voice. his fingers flex against your hips, uncertain but wanting, and you smile—soft and reassuring—before leaning in to kiss him again.

this kiss is different. deeper. hungrier. jeongin's head tilts back against the couch as you press closer, your chest flush against his, and he makes a sound he doesn't recognize—something raw and needy that gets swallowed by your mouth.

his hands slide up your sides, hesitant at first, mapping the curve of your waist, the dip of your spine. every touch feels monumental. like he's crossing a threshold he can never uncross. but the guilt that usually follows—the shame, the panic—doesn't come.

instead, there's just want. pure and overwhelming and impossible to ignore.

"you're shaking," you murmur against his lips.

"i know," jeongin breathes. "i can't- i can't stop."

"do you want to stop?"

the question hangs in the air between you, heavy with possibility. jeongin's eyes flutter open, meeting yours, and the answer spills out before he can second guess it.

"no."

you search his face for a moment, like you're making sure, and then you smile. "good."

you kiss him again, slower this time, and jeongin feels himself melting into it. his hands grow bolder, sliding beneath the hem of your shirt to find bare skin. you gasp softly at the contact, and the sound sends a jolt of heat straight through him.

jeongin's breath hitches. his hands move higher, fingers splaying across your ribs, your back, learning the shape of you. every inch of skin feels like a revelation. you arch into his touch, your hips shifting against his lap, and jeongin chokes on a moan.

"god," he gasps, his head falling back.

"not god," your lips brush against the junction of his jaw and neck. "just me."

and maybe that's the point. maybe that's what he's been running from all along—the terrifying, intoxicating reality that this isn't some abstract sin or theological crisis. it's just you. real and warm and here, and he wants you more than he's ever wanted anything.

your hands slide down his chest, fingers finding the hem of his shirt, and you pause. "can i?"

jeongin nods, breathless, and you pull the fabric up and over his head. the cool air hits his skin, but it's nothing compared to the heat of your hands as they explore his chest, his shoulders, the slope of his neck.

"you're beautiful," you murmur, and jeongin's face burns.

"i'm not-"

"you are," you insist, cutting him off with a kiss. "you are, jeongin."

hearing his name on your lips like that—reverent, certain—does something to him. unravels something in his chest he didn't even know was wound. his hands find your waist again, pulling you closer, and he kisses you with a desperation that surprises even him.

you rock against him, slow and deliberate, and jeongin's grip tightens. his mind is spinning, every nerve ending alight, and he can't think—can't do anything but feel.

"tell me what you want," you say, your voice low and coaxing.

jeongin's mouth goes dry. "i don't know."

"yes, you do." your hands cup his face, thumbs brushing his cheekbones. "you've always known. you're just scared to say it."

and maybe you're right. maybe he has known all along. known it the first time he saw you. known it every time he tried to convince himself this was wrong.

"i want you," he whispers, the words cracking on the way out. "i want this. i want—" he breaks off, trembling. "i want to stop fighting it."

"then stop," you say simply. "let go, baby. i've got you."

and he does.

he stops thinking about what he should do, what he's suposed to believe, what his parents would say. he stops cataloging his sins and starts paying attention to the way your breath hitches when his hands slide beneath your waistband. the way you whisper his name like a prayer.

clothes disappear in a blur of fumbling hands and breathless laughter. jeongin's not sure who moves first—who reaches for what—but suddenly there's nothing between you anymore. just skin and slick and heat and the overwhelming reality of you on top of him.

"are you sure?" you ask one more time, your forehead pressed to his.

"yes," jeongin says, and he's never been more certain of anything. "yes, please."

you guide him, slow and careful, and jeongin's world narrows down to the feeling of you sinking onto him. his hands fly to your hips, gripping hard, and he makes a sound somewhere between a gasp and a sob.

"oh fuck," he chokes out.

you start to move, and jeongin thinks he might fall apart. every shift of your hips, every breathless sound you make, every time his name falls from your lips—it's too much and not enough all at once.

his hands roam restlessly—your thighs, your waist, your back—trying to anchor himself, trying to remember how to breathe. you lean down to kiss him, slow and deep, and jeongin kisses back with everything he has.

"you feel so good," you whisper against his mouth, and jeongin's hips buck up involuntarily.

"say my name," he blurts out, surprising himself. "please. say my name."

"jeongin," you breathe, and it sounds like absolution. "jeongin, god, you feel—"

"again," he pleads, his voice wrecked. "please."

"jeongin." you punctuate it with a roll of your hips that makes him see stars. "jeongin, jeongin.."

he's never heard his name like this before. never heard it stripped of obligation or expectation. it's just him—just jeongin—and somehow that's enough. he's enough.

his hands slide up to cup your face, pulling you down into a kiss that's more desperate than coordinated. you meet him with equal fervor, your movements growing less controlled, more frantic.

"you're perfect," jeongin gasps between kisses. "you're so- god, you're—"

"keep talking," you urge, your nails digging into his shoulders. "tell me."

"you're perfect," he rasps, the words tumbling out in a rush. "you're beautiful. you're-i can't believe you're here. i can't believe this is real."

you laugh softly, breathlessly. "it's real. i promise."

"i don't deserve this," jeongin whispers. "i don't deserve you."

"yes, you do." you kiss him hard, swallowing whatever protest he was about to make. "you deserve to feel good, jeongin. you deserve to want things. to have things."

and maybe—just maybe—he's starting to believe it.

the tension coils tighter and tighter in his gut, building with every movement, every sound, every whispered repetition of his name. jeongin's grip on you tightens, his fingers pressing into your skin hard enough to leave marks, and he can feel you trembling above him.

"i'm close," you gasp. "jeongin, i'm-"

"me too," he chokes out. "fuck, i- please"

you kiss him again, swallowing his words, his sounds, his breath, and jeongin feels himself unraveling. he pulls away to bury his face in your neck, breathing in the scent of you, anchoring himself to the feeling of your body against his.

"let go, baby" you whisper in his ear. "it's okay. let go."

his release crashes over him like a wave, white hot and all-consuming, and jeongin clings to you like you're the only solid thing in the world. he feels you shatter above him, your whole body tensing and then melting, and he holds y ou through it, murmuring your name over and over like a mantra.

when the world finally stops spinning, you're both gasping for breath, tangled together on the couch. jeongin's arms are wrapped around you, holding you close, and he realizes distantly that his face is wet.

"hey," you murmur, pulling back just enough to look at him. "hey, you okay?"

jeongin nods, even though he's crying. "yeah. yeah, i'm…" his voice cracks. "i'm okay."

you brush the tears from his cheeks, gentle and unhurried. "no regrets?"

"no," jeongin says, and he means it. god, he means it. "no regrets."

you smile, soft and warm, and press a kiss to his forehead. "good."

jeongin closes his eyes, letting himself sink into the feeling of being held. being wanted. being enough.

the bible is still on the floor, forgotten and untouched.

and the best part?

jeongin’s soul feels redeemed.

taglist: @interdimensionaldrunk @ihrtlix @elylyyy @catermybeloved @hanjisngs @not2bh0rnyonmain @mingislightlybiggerfrontooth @nightmarenyxx @hanjisunnnng @tricky-ritz

[meanhore]

i've been waiting for this, and the waiting paid off hehe. i'm gonna yearn for this my whole life. (i am going insane)

[matryosika]

truth or dare

pairing – seungmin x reader

word count – 3.8 k

warnings – smut, inexperienced seungmin, sub! guiding reader, slight choking, masturbation (female), dirty talk, corruption kink (if you squint), unprotected sex, creampie.

note – this is my first seungmin writing! i adore this man dearly and everytime i look at him, all i can think is about corrupting him to the point of crafting him into the perfect dom. this drabble is in a way like that, maybe not that hardcore but i had so much fun writing this.

please, remember that english is not my first language and i haven't read this, so i apologize for any mistakes in advance.

"so i was thinking about doing that assignment now so that we could focus on the final project later on, " the guy in front of you mumbled, his hands moving across the textbook and showing you a lot of pages that you couldn't even bother to pay attention to. "that way it would be way easier to finish everything on time".

"yeah" you muttered, both of your eyes fixed on both of his hands. his long, slim fingers captured your attention the whole time, the lingering thought of having them inside you was wrecking you to the point that you couldn't even get yourself to focus on anything but him.

"it's not hard" he added, closing the textbook and leaning his whole body on his seat, "history of art, it's such an easy subject if you grow to like it".

"it seemed interesting" you replied, trying to fight the urge to keep on daydreaming about your team mate, "that's why i chose it, even if it's not part of my major's curriculum".

"oh" seungmin muttered, his cute eyes opening slightly more than usual, "so you are not majoring in anything related to art?"

"i'm prefer social sciences" you admitted, realizing that the tension building up increased as he stopped talking about the school projects.

you knew seungmin, and you knew he was a very shy guy. nonetheless, he was a genius when it came to art, whether it was music, painting, dancing, writing, he excelled at anything. for the rest of the stuff, though, it seemed like he was just born yesterday.

"i see" he continued, lowering his gaze to both of his hands. earlier, when he was talking about the projects, he was way more talkative and enthusiastic than he was at that moment but, for some reason, you only found that ten times more interesting.

"do you have any plans for today?" you asked in an attempt of continuing with the conversation. you didn't feel uncomfortable, but you were determined to try and do your best so he could feel comfortable as well.

"not really" he replied, tilting his head and smiling, "i was only going to stop by this coffee shop that just opened yesterday near my apartment".

"would you like to stay for dinner?" you questioned, without thinking your proposal twice.

it wasn't that you liked seungmin, but something about him really captured your attention. a part of you wanted to get more and more of him, anything and everything.

after a couple of silent seconds and visible hesitation from the dark-haired, he finally agreed.

as the evening progressed and the two of you debated on what to order for dinner, the awkward tension began to fade away. seungmin had a very unique sense of humor, but it was very easy to get along with. if anything, his whole personality made him even more attractive -if that was any possible-.

"so," you questioned, drinking a sip of your glass of water, "have you ever played truth or dare?"

"we are eating" he scoffed, taking a bite of his dish.

"i just want to get to know you a bit better" you mumbled, shrugging both of your shoulders. that was a pretty good excuse and a lie you wanted to believe but, deep down, your intentions were more selfish than for research purposes.

"i don't like completing dares" he mumbled, fixing his eyes on you, "if you have any questions, just ask them".

"but that's not fun" you continued, "it's not like you are a celebrity for me to perform a whole interview right now".

"and yet you are interested in knowing more about me" he teased, giving you a subtle smile.

you left your food on the coffe table near the couch, grabbing one of the cushions and holding it tightly against your body, "truth or dare?"

"truth" he nodded, his soft voice becoming a bit more timid than before.

"what do you think of me?" you asked him right away, not giving any room for embarrassment.

"what do you want me to think of you?" he counterattacked, repeating the same actions you did and leaving his food on the coffee table.

"that's not how this works" you scolded, resting your head on the couch.

"i think you are nice" he replied, "and whatever you want me to think about you, i probably already do".

"what is that supp-"

"that's not how it works" seungmin interrupted, giving you a bit of a smirk. even though he was very witty with his responses and, in general, with his way of expressing himself, you could still see the shyness washing up on his body every know and then. "truth or dare?"

"truth" you answered, confident.

"why did you invite me to stay for dinner?" he questioned, licking his lips and slightly fidgeting with his hands.

"because you are my classmate" you replied, trying to come up as honest as possible, "and i wanted to get to know you a bit better".

he nodded and took a sip from his beverage, not diverting his gaze from you.

"truth or dare?" you inquired again.

"truth"

"and whatever you want me to think about you, i probably already do, what does that mean?" you had the opportunity to make a question and you were sure you were going to take full advantage of it.

"you asked me your first question for a reason" seungmin explained, "you probably have these ideas on your head that you want me to think about you, and i probably already do".

even though his answer was somewhat confusing, you understood what he meant. and for the first time in the whole evening, you caught yourself feeling nervous.

"truth or dare?" seungmin asked again.

"truth"

"what is it that you want me to think of you?" he questioned with a teasing smile on his face.

"well," you gulped, thinking about finding the right choice of words that wouldn't make you seem any desperate for him in any way, "i want you to think i am pretty and fun to be around".

he licked his lips again, a small gesture that could get you on your knees any time. yet he didn't say anything or counterattacked like he had been doing for the past rounds.

"truth or dare?" you mumbled.

"truth"

"is that what you think of me?" you queried, tilting your head and giving him the most innocent gaze you could. as much as you needed to get close to him, the last thing you wanted was for him to feel uncomfortable.

"i think you are very attractive" he admitted, his words making your heart skip a beat or two, "and even though we haven't really interacted as much as i'd like, i think you are very relaxed and fun to be around".

"do you think i am attractive?" you repeated, earning a smirk from the man himself.

"truth or dare?" he rushed to mumble, not giving you any time to push the question any further.

"truth"

his gaze lingered on your face for a while, his hesitant eyes and tense body language making you feel even more nervous than you already were.

you didn't expect things to escalate that quickly, considering seungmin's nature, but the energy shifted somewhere in the middle of the game and it was absolutely obvious.

"have you ever thought about kissing me?"

and if it weren't because both of your gazes were locked in an intense eye-contact, you swore your eyes could've opened like plates.

"dare" you rushed to change your answer, not thinking it twice.

"i dare you to kiss me" he shoot, making you feel both uneasy and excited at the same time.

"are you sure?" you questioned him, your heart racing at a thousand milea per hour while the blood underneath your skin started to boil.

he nodded slighlty, any sign of boldness fading away as soon as your body approached his, "how many people have you kissed before?"

"why is that relevant?" he murmured with a timid tone.

"it isn't" you rushed to say, "i am just curious".

"not that many" he answered, his breath becoming a bit faster than before.

"it's alright" you reassured in a whisper, leaning into him and tilting your head to approach his lips, "come here".

his soft lips caressed yours in a slow movement, not leaning completely into capturing yours in a kiss. you withdrew a few centimeters away from his face, teasing him, only to feel how his body approached yours even more.

"you really want it, don't you?" you asked with your face a few centimeters away from his, coming out almost as a whimper. he slightly opened his eyes and fixed them on your facial features, going from making eye contact to posing his gaze on your lips.

"you don't?" he softly asked.

and, instead of giving him an answer, you captured his lips in a kiss.

it felt heavenly. even more heavenly than what you had been imagining the whole evening.

he quickly picked up a steady pace, not fast nor slow. the way he tilted his head was both sweet and attractive at the same time, the sound of his heartbeats and hitching breath hogging your whole attention. his hands carefully traveled to the sides of your thighs, caressing the skin underneath your cotton shorts.

both of your hands rested on each side of his neck, pushing him even closer to you. however, a devilish thought appeared on your mind forcing you to break the kiss.

"truth or dare?" you inquired with hitching breath.

"truth" he panted, licking his lips in hopes of getting the last taste of you.

"do you want to keep going?" you queried, knowing the answer before hand but still, you needed to hear it from him.

"yes, please" he replied, his soft voice now being replaced with a deep and needy tone, sending shivers throughout your whole body.

he kissed you again, with no hesitation, and you climbed on top of his body to end up sitting on his lap.

the clothes you were wearing didn't make you any favors, sending waves of pleasure all along your body as soon your core made contact with his bulge.

"god-" you whispered in between kisses, your hips moving instinctively against him.

he, however, interrupted completely the contact as soon as his head rolled back due to the sensations.

"does this feels good?" you softly teased, rolling your hips on top of him and making sure to have the desired effect on him.

"mhm" he hummed, his eyes slightly closed while both of his hands rested on your hips. you placed both of your hands on top of his, moving them across your body as an invitation to touch you more.

he was shy, you knew that.

still, you couldnt help to feel your cunt throbbing once you saw his face while he dragged his hands along your body, from your hips to your thighs and then to your arse.

"like that" you whispered, leaving a trail of kisses along his jaw so you could approach his neck next.

"fuck" he cursed under his breath making you feel butterflies all on your stomach, your hips grinding even more eagerly against his bulge to provide him just the right stimulation.

"does it feel good?" you shyly asked, nipping the skin of his neck and getting lost in the smell of his fragrance.

"yes" he sighed, his hands moving on their own now.

his digits traced the hems of your oversized t-shirt, lifting it up ever so slightly in an attempt of removing them, but his shyness prevented him of initiating the task completely.

"don't hold back" you mumbled, placing one of your hands on the side of his face, "do whatever you want to me, please".

his hands slowly lifted up your shirt and you helped him get rid of it, leaving you with nothing to cover your upper body but your bra. he dragged his digits along the sides of your body, the warmth of his skin sending shivers down your spine.

"you are so pretty," he praised, interrupting the kiss to admire your body, "really".

you couldn't help but smile at his comment, feeling how your cheeks started to glow red in response of such compliment.

"your turn" you ordered, giving him enough space to remove his shirt.

once he completed his task, you placed both of your hands on his body, starting on his shoulders. you then dragged them across his clavicles, teasing his chest and brushing your digits over every single inch of skin you could touch.

"truth or dare?" you mumbled again, without caring any more about turns. yet, he seemed pleased with you taking the initiative.

"dare" he replied, earning a smirk from you.

"i thought you didn't like dares" you muttered, your fingers tracing his abdomen and causing his heartbeats to go even faster than before. "i dare you to touch me".

he tilted his head and gave you a bashful look, "i've never-"

"i can guide you" you rushed to add, wanting to make him feel as comfortable as possible, "i'll show you what makes me feel good".

his half-lidded eyes fixed on you as he thought the request, his fingers tapping on your hips. he pushed your forward to kiss you one more time before lifting your body and resting you on the couch, kneeling in front of you as his hands dragged your grey shorts, as well as your underwear, off of you.

his lips traveled along your legs and inner thighs, leaving faint kisses as he made his way up. you spreaded your legs for him, one of your hands signaling for him to lean into you.

"look at me" you whispered feeling his hungry eyes placed on your dripping core, "you made me a mess".

his gaze moved from your cunt to your face, the sight of pleasure imprinted on his facial expressions was maybe too much to handle. with delicacy, you took his hand and drove his fingers all the way to your mouth.

and, after fantasizing about that thought for hours on end, you took them in your mouth. sucking them from top to bottom, your warm tongue welcoming every single one of his digits into your wet hole.

seungmin never broke eye-contact with you though, his lustful eyes recording the image of your lips wrapped around his fingers.

"i prefer a slower pace" you mumbled while withdrawing his fingers from your mouth, guiding them all the way to your throbbing cunt, "still, do as you please with me. i am all yours for you to use".

his innocent gaze was long gone, specially after hearing those words. as shy as he might seemed at the beginning, and even though this was a new task he was going to attempt for the first time, all of that fade away as soon as you presented yourself as something for him to use.

he wanted to use you, yes. he wanted to learn all kinds of things with you, he wanted to explore your body over and over again until you couldn't take it. but even so, the only thing on his mind in that moment was your own pleasure.

he needed to hear you, feel your trembling body, feel your warm skin, feel your touch on him. and he was determined to fulfill his needs.

after guiding his wrist, the next thing you felt was the overwhelming -but delicious- stretchness inside of your walls. two of his slim fingers went inside you, thrusting them as deeply as he possibly could.

"yes, go on" you moaned, your head rolling back as your hips moved against his digits every now and then, "just like that, seungmin".

hearing your words and observing how your body reacted, he felt more and more encouraged to keep on completing his task.

one of you hand traveled all the way to your core, rubbing your clit in circular motions as he continued on fucking your whole.

"your fingers feel so much better than mine do" you whimpered, your available hand caressing his hair, "god, you are making me feel so, so good".

he smiled against the skin of your thighs, carefully increasing the pace on his thrusts as you increased yours.

"can you feel me clenching around you?" you asked with a desperate voice, the knot on your stomach almost coming undone as you chased your sweet released, "that's just proof of how good you are making me feel".

he kissed your inner thighs while his fingers got coat with your essence, interrupting the pace of his thrusts as the lewd noises coming out of you became more and more frecuente.

"n-no, seungmin-" you whined, your hips bucking and your cunt clenching around nothing, "i am so close, just-"

"i want to be inside you" he darted, still kneeling in front of you as his eyes found yours, "i need it".

the needy tone in his voice made you, if possible, ten times more wet than you initially were. you needed it just as much as him and you were absolutely no one to deny him such pleasure of fucking with someone for the first time.

seungmin sat down next to you, rising his hips slowly to get rid of his clothes.

and oh, another expectation surpassed.

you swallowed hard in anticipation, knowing that he wasn't like the guys you had been with before.

you sat on his lap again, not giving any room to overthinking. your dripping pussy made contact with his erected cock, grazing against it ever so slightly but earning an immediate reaction from the man underneath you.

"i can't wait to feel you inside me" you whined, kissing his cheek as you made your way to his neck, "i am sure your cock will feel heavenly".

seungmin's grip on your body intensified as soon as he heard those words coming out of you, his hips sloppily moving against yours as a signal that he was ready to thrust himself inside you.

"you want this just as bad as i wanted" you whispered, feeling your sweat starting to mix with his.

you raised your hips slowly and placed the tip of his cock on your entrance, letting out a sigh of pain as soon as you felt the head stretching your hole just right.

"oh, god" you moaned, closing your eyes an rolling your head back while your pussy welcomed him completely, "you are so big".

seungmin let out a faint groan, but it was enough to have you clenching around him almost aggressively. only then, he understood the power words and sounds could have over you.

"you are so tight" he mumbled both of his hands placing on your hip and forcing you even more against his cock, "and you feel so wet around me, y/n".

"can i ride you?" you softly asked, placing both of your hands on his chest as you awaited the magic word.

"go on" he groaned, his hips moving ever so slightly against you.

with strength, you managed to start moving on his cock, even if it sometimes felt a bit too painful for your own liking. however, even then, the sounds of his accelerated breath and faint grunts made your arousal increase in a couple of seconds.

"like this?" he questioned, driving his thumb to your aching clit and rubbing it in circles just like you did earlier.

"you learn quickly" you mumbled in between moans, both of your hands traveling to your back in order to unclench your top underwear and be completely naked for him, just like he desired.

"you are so fucking hot" he admitted, both of his eyes fixed on the way your breasts bounced every time you rode his cock.

"yeah?" you questioned, increasing the pace of your movements as waves of pleasure washed up on your body, "and do i feel good?"

"you feel perfect with my cock inside you" he replied, both of his eyes closed and his head rolled back, "please, y/n, i need to know how you feel cumming around my cock".

"you do, seungmin?" you cried, the soreness on your thighs starting to hurt, "that's all you have been thinking about tonight, right? making me cum?"

one of your hands grabbed one of his, guiding them all the way to your neck and, much to your surprise, he didn't need an order or indication to do what you wanted.

he grabbed both sides of your neck and choked you as continued on riding his cock, his intense gaze fixed on yours as the grimaces of pleasure on your face contributed more to his arousal.

"i am going to-" you barely whispered, the words coming out broken as seungmin's grip on your throat increased.

"do it" he pleaded, "cum all over me".

and as if he was performing some kind of magic in your body, the anticipated knot in your stomach came undone.

you leaned on to hid your face on the crook of his neck, moaning his name over and over as goosebumps covered his skin.

"your cock feels so good" you panted, still not coming down from your high, "god, i-"

however he didn't stop. the feeling of you clenching violently against him was the last thing he needed to approach his orgasm, his hips sloppily bucking into you as his eyes appreciated your whole body from top to bottom.

"fuck" you painfully cried, the pleasure turning into overstimulation in a matter of seconds. even so, by the way his breathing hitched frequently and his hips bucked weakly against you, you understood that he was just as close as he release as well.

"come on" you whispered into his ear, letting out faint groans every time the overstimulation overwhelmed you, "cum inside me".

in the middle of the heat, he was so needy that he couldn't stop to think about his decision. he licked his lips as he turned his face to yours, softly biting at your lower lip while his thrusts became frequently each time.

"cum" you softly pleaded, finding his pretty gaze observing you, "i know you want to, seungmin".

he groaned one more time, closed his eyes and bit his lips as he released himself inside you. "seungmin," you moaned, moving your hips and continued on riding him to help him, "fuck-"

his movements stopped gradually and, as his hands withdrew from your hips, you noticed that his grip was rough enough to leave your skin decorated with bruises, making you smile at the realization.

"you are dripping" he mumbled, looking at how his arousal leaked from your cunt.

"don't i look pretty like this?" you questioned, trying to stabilize your breath.

"you look even more pretty like this" he cooed, still with his cock inside you.

"truth or dare?" you asked once again, leaning into his body to leave a trail of kisses from his lips to his jaw.

"truth"

"will we do this again?"

[meanhore]

no words, i'm hard rn. inexperienced seungmin is making me obsessed.

[breakyourrxles]

↳ Forever was simple: meet a man you love, and live happily ever after.

A hope built on lies, and when it all comes crashing down, you find a new faith inside of the atrium at the countryside.

painter!lee minho x fem!reader/prince!hwang hyunjin x fem!reader (side pairing) — arranged marriage au, historical au. royalty, slow burn, angst, idiots in love, sexual content. [26k wc] cws: themes of vaguely period-typical sexism, themes of loneliness, (heavy) pining + the poor decisions that sometimes result from that, themes of social anxiety + using alcohol to cope, heavy sexual content.

𝕀.

Everything around you glitters in the ambient light of the evening masquerade ball.

Tables lined with beautiful cloths sit along the edges of the ornate hall, piled high with decorative and delicious foods. Amber, bubbling drinks flow and occasionally spill out of long, crystal glasses held by perfectly manicured hands holding them just a little too excitedly.

The kind of night life that you have grown so accustomed to.

Your dress is stunning and perfectly to your tastes, hair styled to match and draped in decadent jewels to showcase yourself with. The suitors are dressed much in the same, though in far more drab colors as men tend to do. This is of no consequence to you, because your eye is set on only one in particular.

Crown Prince Hwang Hyunjin.

You watch him from across the marbled floor, through groups of guests who might as well not even be present with how rapt your attention is on him. He is tall and broad, far from lanky but toned enough to give the impression of a certain kind of sturdiness that has always edged a particular curiosity in you. Hyunjin's hair is black, tied back from framing his face with its length, and you watch him laugh through conversations with other women who likely desire the same thing as you.

Engaging in private rendezvous with potential suitors is strictly against the royal code, all the more reason that no one must ever find out about the edge above the rest that you have taken for yourself in regards to him.

The memories date back to the summer—winter now—a late night out with other women that you've mostly grown up with and set as your entourage. The first time, running into the royal Hwang entourage without prying eyes to watch you felt like something of a hint, and the second, more of a blessing as the night ended with soft hands against your skin, and plush lips pressed against your own.

These secret encounters carried on through the months, as well as implicit promises in relation to the royal choices soon to be made. Between the sheets and with warm breaths of air exhaled against the shell of your ear, Hyunjin has promised time and time again: "You will be my choice, you have nothing to fear, my love. It's all for show and display, isn't it?"

You believe him.

"Are you going to spend the whole evening in the corner by yourself?" A woman steps up beside you with a knowing grin, and you offer your elbow to her side lightly in response.

"I've no particular interest in showing myself off like some prized cut of meat for men to fawn over, you know this, Sana."

This woman, a friend since your earliest days, looks out across the crowd not unlike yourself just moments before, and then offers yet another smile of understanding before speaking.

"Not for men, perhaps, but for a man," she says. "Are you really so sure that you only carry interest in Crown Prince Hwang? There are so many other perfectly acceptable suitors to choose from."

You sigh, taking a small sip from your glass. "I do not doubt that there are, but when have you ever known me to be the type to spread myself so thin between any such possibilities in life? I have always been something of a single-eyed woman."

"That much I do know, yes," Sana says with a small laugh, "but I don't want you to be left with nothing in the event of things not turning out the way that you wish them to. The Prince has many hopefuls, and while he is the only prince, would it be so bad to consider a life outside of the royal court? You've never much cared for the excessive nature of their goings on, anyway."

Turning to look at her, you cast Sana a questioning glance, "I have grown up in the lap of luxury, it is all that I know, are you to imply a step down is what suits me rather than a step up?"

"I would never, but there are many levels between poverty, and royalty."

"Anything other than a step up, is a step down," you say firmly, pressing the rim of your glass to your painted lip again. Your eyes wander out towards Hyunjin once more, and a slight curve upwards takes them, perhaps some enjoyment in the fact that you know something that even your closest confidants do not. Perhaps some enjoyment in the fact that you have already won a game that the others still insist on competing in. "Besides, do you think not of me as future Queen?"

"I wouldn't dream of such a thing, just remember me and all of our times shared once you begin lobbing off the heads of people who dare to oppose you."

Feigning horror, you reel exaggeratedly, "Now who is assuming things?"

Sana's hand finds the small of your tightly bound back, and lightly pushes you forward.

"Go dance with your future husband, would you?"

𝕀𝕀.

While far from unusual for your nights to end up like this, perhaps after everything that this one has presented, the aura casts something different, something intangible and strange that you can't quite grasp despite its familiarity still.

The masquerade ball winds down three levels from where you reside now. People still dance and laugh and shout amongst themselves, though the largest collective of guests have long since begun their journeys back to their own homes. Your entourage awaits you somewhere outside for much of the same, though they have long since learned not to bother coming and finding you in the event that you have disappeared.

For that, you are thankful, because nothing good can come of being discovered like this.

The room is small—a sitting area with little more than a table, chair, window, and tall bookshelves filled to the brim with just that. Moonlight shines in as the only illumination, faint and appearing cool to the touch if one were able to. Only enough to find one's way, and plenty to remain hidden in the darkness while people engage in their disagreeable deeds.

Lips hurriedly find your own, teeth nipping at them with a needy hunger. Palms graze up the outside of your legs, dress hiked up and leg eventually along with it. The door is pinned shut by your back firmly pressed against it, your head tips back with a small thud, Hyunjin chuckles under his breath at the sound, and then drives his hips forward to give the both of you what it is that you've been waiting all evening for.

"I saw you speaking with Lady Sana this evening," Hyunjin whispers, mouth feathering against your neck. "Am I wrong in suspecting that you were speaking about me?"

He presses himself forward, pulls your body down and against the effort simultaneously, ensuring no space is left between your figures. You gasp at the feeling, and he smiles at the sound, fingernails digging into the flesh of your thighs and hips in places that you don't dare let any of your house staff see.

"You would not be wrong," you reply, forcefully maintaining some semblance of composure. "Only good things, of course."

Chest pinned against your own, Hyunjin pulls back, then presses into you again. The glide is smoother this time, and you can't help the moan that escapes you suddenly.

"Have you told her?" he asks, drives quicker and less shallow than before. "I must announce my decision tomorrow afternoon, not long to wait now."

The ability to converse is leaving you with each steady roll of Hyunjin's hips. Your fingernails grip tightly into his suit jacket, though it grants you little purchase with the smoothness of it. Harder, faster; the tell-tale signs of nefarious activities beginning to be heard in rhythmic fashion against the wood of the door, as well as the explicit, unmistakable sound of skin meeting skin.

"No," you manage to say, though barely, "I would never, would never jeopardize what we have waited so long for."

Hyunjin's lips trail up your neck, along the edge of your jaw and settle lightly against your own. He kisses you gently, then merely sits there to drink down the gasps and whimpers of you accepting him. There is little time for this—something that the both of you know—rolls and snaps of his hips become quick, erratic in order to meet his end, and so he does with the kind of rapidity that leaves you terribly wanting and wishing for more.

There is a parting kiss left to you, and Hyunjin readjusts himself so that he can reemerge into the public. Smoothing your dress and slipping out from the doorway, he cracks it open to leave but looks back at you with a smile that you can only assume to be full of sly adoration for you, and for this. The joys of engaging in such things unbeknownst to others, the excitement of deception.

"A shame that tomorrow we will put an end to this, isn't it?" he says.

A shame indeed, you think to yourself. And then he is gone.

𝕀𝕀𝕀.

Just as you had anticipated it would, the city streets come alive for the naming of the Crown Prince’s companion.

Bodies crowd around you by every inch, music performed with accompanying dancers displaying their crafts as well as shop setups lining the way selling beautiful merchandise; hand crafted with care that shines blindingly under the sunlight above.

As you move along your way, the numerous scents of charred meats and grilled vegetables infiltrate your senses, all encompassing and inviting in a way that makes you almost wish to give up on what it is that you are meant to do today. In order to keep your mind set, you remind yourself that soon you will be at the receiving end of royal chefs and all that it is they have to offer you. There is charm to the street cooks and their home grown and cut ingredients, but nothing matches the knowledge and adeptness of the throne.

You have dressed simply today, not wanting to draw attention to yourself nor wanting to appear expectant. Reaching closer to the stage, the bodies are packed in far more tightly, as do the frequency of other potentials come more into vision. So many women; hair stacked high and curled in such a lovely way, all standing in wait in their best dresses with moderate jewelry. It is cold today, and the lavish, heavy coats that hang around their shoulders allude to as much, but you are warm with a deep understanding of what you are to gain this afternoon.

 A few rows back from the front of the stage, you find Sana as well as another friend shared between the two of you, Tzuyu. A beautiful woman wrapped in dark vermillion red with black hair that hangs so opposingly to Sana's blonde. They both smile and greet you, as do you, to them.

"Are you anticipating the naming as much as the rest of us are?" Tzuyu asks, a bright, cheerfulness to her tone that gives her something of a charmingly juvenile expressiveness. "So many women are here in wait, I do wonder what His Highness has in store for us."

"A difficult choice awaits him, no doubt," Sana adds, glancing up towards the place where he will soon call his decision towards the people. "I question how these sorts of decisions could ever be made through matters of the heart, but I suppose when it comes to royalty, the heart is of the least concern."

Pulling your coat tightly against yourself, you force back the smile that wishes to take your lips. "I trust that he will make the right call, do you not?"

"I'd sooner disappear into the forest, never to be seen again than dare speak ill of the royal house and their choosings," Sana says through a laugh. "Besides, I would be banished to such a place for doing so, anyway."

"You speak in theatrics," Tzuyu scoffs, a roll of her eyes punctuating it. "The rulers of our country are not so sinister."

"One can only hope, but knowledge of the Crown Prince and his ways are not well known to the people, only time will tell if he is as benevolent of a ruler as His and Her Majesty are," Sana says.

You look at her questioningly, "You suspect otherwise?" you ask, but she is quick to shake her head.

"No, but I am realistic in all of the possibilities that lie before us. Quite the contract, in fact, I have heard rather good things."

Sana's tone is peculiar to you in a way that you find difficult to pinpoint as she speaks on the intricacies of Hyunjin's personality. Her face is simplistic enough to not give anything away, but the sound of her voice carries a sort of inflection when referring to him that settles a strangely ire spark within your chest.

You are given no time to question it further, however, because the royal guards set themselves perfectly in place along the stage, and the arrival of the throne is loudly announced from beyond.

His and Her Majesty step forward first, luxuriously sparkling with expensive jewels and fur coats that you would otherwise never hope to afford, not even from your own place of incredibly comfortable class. The two of them settle in the background, and without wasting any further time, the man that you have grown to love and adore enters the stage in long, tall strides that exude confidence and elegance both.

Thankful for your place in the crowd, you gaze up at him and await his eyes to meet your own. A scroll is handed to him by one of the royal staff from just outside of the main stage, and he slowly unfurls it for all waiting eyes to see.

Hyunjin, all white in attire and garnished with a stunning sash that weighs heavily with brooches and sigils, inhales deeply and then looks out towards the crowd. You stare expectantly, because this is your time. So many nights shared hushed and secret between the two of you, discussed between sheets and pillows of just this very moment that will be granted unto you. His eyes do not find yours, but it is of no particular concern to you, as there will be so many more times for adoring moments to be had between the both of you from this day forward.

No more secrets, no more hiding your love for one another.

"Thank you for gathering here today, it is an honor for me to be able to share this with the people of my country. I do not wish to take much of your time, as there are far more convivial activities for you to be partaking in, aren't there?"

Gentle laughter resounds through the crowd, and Hyunjin smiles ever so slightly at the sound of it before glancing down at the paper in hand once again.

"With my greatest pleasure, I will announce to you the future Queen of the Hwang throne…"

Excitement flows through your veins, head light and nearly dizzying as you await the call. You clutch tightly to your robe, knuckles white and forcing your breath steady as the seconds pass by you like decades until the name is called.

A name is called.

"Minatozaki Sana."

A name that does not belong to you.

From just beside you, a shriek falls from Sana's lips but is forced back halfway through, presumably as to not embarrass herself. Tzuyu clutches at the friend’s shoulders and the two of them celebrate with covered mouths, wide eyes, and hushed shock. The world dulls into a kind of unfelt, nonexistent quietness around you as you stare forward and towards this man; this man that you have shared your body and a bed with, so much of your time and trust with.

He has betrayed you.

You can no longer hear the other women around you, shrouded in disbelief as you gawk at him. Something within you wishes to disappear—humiliation beginning to thrum up and across your skin—there is a small token of solace in the fact that no one else knows of your engagements with him prior as it is widely and heavily frowned upon for the both of you, but this knowledge does nothing to ease the pain that swiftly starts to replace all of the other initial feelings that have befallen you in these seconds passing.

The dizziness begins to set in faster and heavier, you realize that you must take your leave now. You take a step backwards, bumping into another saddened hopeful, but don't even have your wits about you enough to apologize for having done so. Sana and Tzuyu grab at you, say something, but you cannot hear it through the thick blanket of betrayal that casts so heavily between you, and them. Perhaps you congratulate her, words leave your lips but you haven't the slightest clue of what they are. Sana is smiling, crying, so perhaps they have been adequate enough.

Another step back, and you look up towards Hyunjin again. This time, his eyes find yours, and all he offers you is the faintest of wicked grins.

You take your leave quietly, without another word. Heart hanging heavily and not allowing him to take the tears from you that he has so evilly and rightfully earned.

𝕀𝕍.

You are not given time to grieve your loss, as if to intentionally add insult to injury.

Unfortunately, your parents can only be as understanding as information granted allows them to be. The first month, you are given space to wade through your reasonable disappointment, but past that point in time, questions of your next potential suitor once again begin to find themselves at the forefront of discussion amongst the dinner table. You did not know this man, I understand your disappointment in not being chosen, but it's high time to look forward and set your sights towards other potentials, your mother says. Royalty is not everything, there are plenty of other perfectly well-to-do men to take your pick from, your father says.

You tell them that you will look, with no intention of truly doing so. Once the second month passes by with little more progress, you begin to find the signs around the house of your parents taking matters into their own hands.

Letters line the desk of your father’s library room, and one in particular causes the hair at the back of your neck to stand on end.

Only partially sticking out from beneath the stack, you just so slightly pull the corner to unearth more of the words that bring a sickness to your stomach. 

"Would be honored to be chosen as your daughter's suitor. The estate is grand and well-kept, though rather empty of life—" the sentence is cut off, you skip to the next area that you can read. "Staff around the clock. Any endeavors she wishes to engage in will be made available—"

The spin inside of your stomach has you reaching forward and clutching at the sides of your father’s desk. It has only been two months, and already there are discussions of having you shipped out and elsewhere, to a strange man that you have never met, and will be expected to placate in all of the ways that one might. While these sorts of scenarios are nothing new to you—the knowledge well known—this was never supposed to be you. No, you were to marry into the royal house, to be made Queen, and having done so through a shared love. 

Not pawned off to a stranger who intends to keep you as a moderately cared for pet. You have heard the stories of other such arrangements before; the best that you can ever hope for is a perfectly tepid and boring man who has no interest in your being there, and has only accepted it for the offerings that such an agreement carries between the families in a monetary and societal sense.

How could your parents do this to you? The truth of the matter, however, is that they do not know the intricacies of what it is that they are doing to you. The details of your prior goings on. They must never know, and god forbid potential suitors were to ever find out about your involvement with the Prince beforehand…shunned and displaced, you will forever remain.

Turning towards the doorway, you begin to take your leave. The wheels are in motion and there is nothing left for you to do. Moving forward, you will await the day that your father comes to you with the news of having come to an agreement with a man for the arrangement of your marriage, and you will grin and bear it as daughters of high class households are told to do. In the meantime, you will hope and pray that the man chosen by your father is a kind one, a simple one. Dull and uninteresting and with only enough attention to give to his own things.

𝕍.

Writing takes you by the soul, and always has for as long as you found yourself able to hold a pen.

Your timing in finding out about your father’s misdoings an impeccable sort, because it is only two days later that he finds you in the large study of your manor and informs you of the news. A decision has been made about your future—one that you have had no part in making—and you will be sent off in two weeks time to the northern countryside to live with a man who he describes as "kind, albeit a little eccentric from what I can gather." The documentation has already been signed, and as far as you are concerned in a legal sense, are now married to someone whose name you do not even know.

"Lee Minho," your father says quietly, and you can't help but wonder if the airiness to his voice is of true sadness in having done this to you, or a feigned one, only given because he believes it to be what you desire of him. "He's a painter, quite gifted. A very well-off man, you shouldn't worry about wanting for anything in the absence of our affluence."

Hand gripping the pen tightly, still pressed hard against the paper, you find yourself indifferent to whether or not he can see the displeasure washing over you.

"Understood, I'll have my belongings packed by the handmaidens in proper time."

Your tone is simple, offering nothing more than the most basic of expressions. He does not reply to you with any sort of swiftness, and instead sighs as he turns to make his exit.

"I'm sorry it had to come down to this," he says suddenly, and with no warning. "As you know, you are coming up on your age and—"

"I know, father," you reply, just as flatly as before and continuing with your work along the page. "It is understood."

He leaves, and your scribbling comes to you with a slightly more erratic speed.

𝕍𝕀.

The goodbyes shared with your family carry little weight, and while there is a large part of you never wishing for this day to have come, there is another area that finds solace in no longer having to live under the roof of people who have done so wrongly by you, and with such great ease.

All you needed was time, and you were not given that. Is it so difficult to carry empathy for people who are hurting? To cast aside asinine traditions of age and worth for the sanctity of caring for those that share blood? 

Sitting in the back of the carriage as it plods along, you stare out of the small window and contemplate just that. What is family, if not the people meant to care for you above all else? Hyunjin betrayed you with a kind of extravagant ease, but your family, he was not. What excuse do your parents have to cast you aside so eagerly? All but sell you off to a man and for no other reason than to maintain social appearances. Yes, my daughter married that famous painter, Lee Minho. How exceptional and prized such a partnership is. 

The journey is a long one, and you hope to have settled in your anger by the time that you arrive. You have no interest in maintaining any sort of exceptional appearances with this man, but perhaps at the very least, he does not need to be on the receiving end of your indignation.

Instead, you fantasize about the perfect life you may be able to cultivate upon your arrival. Perhaps there are perks to him being involved in such a solitary way of life; you imagine two sides of the same mansion, one for you, and one for him. The painter and the writer, and never shall they meet.

𝕍𝕀𝕀.

Nighttime falls upon the land before you make your arrival, and late into the evening do you come. 

The estate is seen long before you come upon it, with a handful of lights standing out against the otherwise stark darkness of the countryside surroundings. You recall a mention of the home being relatively lifeless, and so few lights on inside certainly give truth to that. Barren trees line the street and as far as the eye can see given how deeply into winter it still is. There is little snow piled up into little hills along the ground, but it is impossible to see the vastness of the land without proper daylight to guide you.

When you arrive, a handful of house staff are there to greet you. Three women smile and bow, help you out of the carriage and then move along to retrieve your things. One remains with you, and you pull your jacket tighter so as to not allow the frigid air to touch you.

"It is much colder in the countryside than what you are used to," she says gently. "You'll get used to it in due time, but it can be frightening at first."

You glance at her, though not for long. It feels strange to be attended to by staff other than those that you are used to being handled by. This strange woman—older but softer in demeanor—smooths a hand down your arm with little more than a feather-light touch, and then offers you a slight yet understanding smile.

"My name is Mai, I am the head of the housing staff, you'll be seeing me around quite often, so I hope that we can grow comfortable with one another quickly. I understand that this is difficult for you, and strange, so please take your time. There's no rush to become acquainted with myself or the estate grounds."

It's only then that you come to realize the stark lacking of someone else's attendance to your arrival. You glance around slightly, perhaps you have missed him? But there are no men, and so, you ask the question, "What about Mr. Lee?"

Mai's features drop ever so slightly, like she feels some level of sympathy for you. Her hand smooths over your arm again, then gently tugs you towards the large doorway.

"The Master of the house will seldom make himself known, I wouldn't worry too much about that, dear."

"He didn't even come to welcome me, a strange sort of fellow to not bother greeting his wife upon her arrival," you say pointedly. It garners another, particular sort of look from the woman bringing you inside.

"Yes, the Master has been referred to as strange before, this would not be the first time. Please don't take it personally, or as some sort of slight towards you individually. I'm sure that given enough time, the two of you should meet and become acquainted with one another."

You chuckle under your breath, "Husband and wife, acquainted with one another. What have my parents done."

Though your wish upon arriving has ultimately come true, you sift through the confusion in your feelings regarding Minho's disinterest in finding you. The woman that he has taken into his home, agreed to marry, surely expected to have children with—yet with no apparent interest in your being there whatsoever. Stepping inside of the home, it shines and exudes beauty, almost like a museum. Pieces of painted art and statues sit at every inch, as far as the eye can see, but all you can think about is the absence of the man who has beckoned you here.

"I apologize for the darkness of the estate, as you know, it's quite late. I hope that you will take it upon yourself to wander tomorrow during the day. Everything is yours, please make yourself at home." Mai extends a hand forward and towards the large staircase, then points upwards at the centered emptiness created by the winding steps. "At the highest level is the atrium, the only place that is strictly off limits. The Master does most of his work up there, though it's difficult to simply stumble upon, no cause for concern as far as that goes."

Continuing to gaze up at what feels like forever, you slowly bring your attention back down and then fully towards Mai.

"Why has he brought me here?" you ask.

A single corner of her mouth perks, as if contemplating offering a smile that may or may not be apt. Besides that, however, the only expression of feeling you can find amongst her features is that of compassion, and perhaps, maybe even pity.

"As you know, these sorts of things tend to be about maintaining appearances…" Mai trails off, likely on account of having nothing more to add to the fact. It is plenty enough, and indeed, you are very well aware.

"I'd like to be taken to my room now."

There's a hazy numbness that finds your limbs as the staff take your things and begin moving towards the stairs. This is your new life, your new normal for the rest of your life. A loveless existence, a loveless marriage with a man that you will scarcely meet. You wonder, albeit briefly, what you have done to doom your existence to that of such fleeting tenderness. 

Hyunjin did not love you, but he was willing to pretend, and while your body was beneath his, you could so easily believe it.

Minho does not love you, and will not even grant you as much. No willingness to try, no interest in feigning the possibility of as much. You are not so foolish to expect to fall in love with this man, but is it so wrong to wish for moments that offer themselves to the fleeting fantasy of it? Infrequent dinners, shared glances from down the hall, and if all goes well, even a kind of friendship developed amongst incapable lovers.

Your bedroom is stunning and immaculately decorated. Mai informs you that anything that you wish to have added or removed is yours to have, and that she will see to it being done swiftly. The walls are lined in a dark, royal blue and accented at the corners with incredible, gold fillings that make the estate feel more like a castle than a simple home for only one man and his house staff. 

The thought is appreciated, but you truly cannot fathom wanting for more, not in the physical sense of owning and acquiring physical things. The emptiness inside of you is so much heavier and deeper than the shade of the walls, or the perfectly waxed oak of the floors.

"Thank you," you say. The words are small, and sound far more defeated than you would like them to. Mai is heavenly, everything that you could ever want from someone that you're likely to be spending the majority of your time here with. "What time shall I come down for breakfast in the morning?"

Mai smiles in the doorway, her light gray dress swaying with every slight movement that she makes.

"Eight is standard for the house, but whenever you prefer. If you are an early riser, we can see to it that it is ready and waiting for you by the time you find your footing."

You glance at your handbag, manuscript of your writing sticking out by the corner from it and make your decision going forward.

"I am something of an early morning type. I like to write, I find that I do my best work before the rest of the world begins to stir," you say, forcing a small smile into your lips. "I don't require much, especially just for one person. Just some small breads with butter and coffee will suit me just fine."

Mai nods happily, so obviously delighted by your willingness to allow her to do what she does here. "Of course, anything you wish. If you need anything else in the morning, please don't hesitate to inform any of the staff, we want to make your transition here as smooth and seamless as possible."

"Thank you," you say again, and Mai takes her leave.

Sleep does not find you well that night, despite the weariness of your body from the travel. Instead, your mind races with possibility and wonder about the ghost that you now share a home with, and when you finally do find rest, all that is there to greet you now is the dark, faceless silhouette of a man that you may never come to meet.

𝕍𝕀𝕀𝕀.

Time at the estate feels as though it crawls, and yet slips away and through your fingers in ways that make it feel as though it doesn't really exist at all.

Another month passes you by, a new routine set into motion not unlike yours from back home. Different settings, different foods offered; scents that arrive to you like they are foreign and fabrics against your skin that feel entirely different from that which you have become accustomed to. Life here is easy, and for that, you are thankful, but the dull ache of listlessness begins to take hold of you faster than you might have anticipated it to, and your curiosities about the manor creep up and make themselves known to you without much of an ability left in you to fight them off.

You have yet to meet Minho, even in all of your time here. A month is not long to spend in one place, but feels like a lifetime to not have met the person that you live with, the man that you are married to and meant to spend the rest of your days alongside.

Writing, at the very least, comes to you with incredible ease while cased inside of these walls. Your manuscript—a sort of anonymous autobiography of your life—grows and grows like it is showered with all of the sunlight and nutrients of a lovingly kept garden. There is nothing else for you to do here, after all.

These routines come to you naturally, not one to stray from those things that come naturally and comfortably to you. In the mornings, you wake early to head downstairs to eat warm, buttered bread and take your cup of coffee; leaving towards the large study that sits looking off into the flowerbeds with a large, never dirtied window to grant you such a view.

Books surround here, as do their smells. You could never hope to read them all, though you might like to. When particularly down about your circumstances, you consider the fact that you have ample time to begin such an endeavor, as nothing else inside of this building will ever bother to ask for time from you.

One day after the mark of a month from your arrival, you stay up a little later than usual and slowly sip an aged, red wine from the shined lip of a glass. Your nighttime gown already drapes from your body, but you have no such intention of finding sleep any time soon.

For one reason or another, the atrium calls to you silently in the ambient darkness of the house.

The house staff is long asleep, nobody lurking the corridors to ensure that the inhabitants are not allowing the whimsy of curiosity to get the best of them. You step out and into the hallway, small candles lining the way and towards the stairs that lead further up, guiding lights beckoning you, asking you to follow them, telling you to take liberties not truly afforded to you.

So you do. Up so many flights, a climb that feels endless at points, until of course, you reach the top. 

Perhaps you had expected too much, built up the possibilities so much in your mind that whatever it is that you might find here never standing a chance in living up to your imagination. There is little that greets you once you climb the last step; no warning signs, no guards or traps set for intruders stumbling upon this place. Instead, you find an incomprehensible mess along the large and wide expanse of floor. Canvases sprawled as far as the eye can see—some still basking in their unmarred perfection, others splashed with color or linework—paint pots and filthy brushes, palettes that appear as though they've never seen the loving touch of water to clean them.

Furthest away from where you stand, you find a table and a single chair, though it would not seem to be used for its intended purpose with the way items have been set against and atop them. There are papers sitting on the wood, however, and your budding curiosity gets the best of you even more as you carefully step forward and over all of the belongings that coat the floor.

The floor beneath you is sturdy, and for that, you are thankful. There are no creaks of footsteps to alert anyone of your presence here, and when you arrive at the table, you find piles upon piles of letters pinned down beneath dirty, likely forgotten jars of water.

The penmanship of one draws your attention, familiar and loud as it stares back at you. It is from your father.

This date is recent, one of the few things that you can make out from where it sits. You care little for maintaining your invisibility here now, and pull the sheet out from within the others so that you can read it in full.

You realize quickly upon scanning it that you did not know what to expect, but what it is that you have found now somehow sits even more strangely in your chest. Your eyebrows furrow as you take in the words from your father—they are nonsensical in every sense of the word—incomprehensible when paired with the realism of your life at this place.

One part reads: I am happy to hear that the two of you are getting along so splendidly. Of course, it is impossible to say when putting together such matters, but I had something of a feeling that it would be right, and I am so blessed to find that this meeting has been a successful one.

He has been lying to your father ever since your arrival here.

"Is there something I can help you with?"

Your attention shoots up from the letter, which drops from your hand on account of the shock in being found. What jars you from your thoughts much more than having been caught, however, is not that fact in and of itself. Rather, it is the fact that it is the voice of a man that has questioned you.

And looking up from here, back towards the stairs, the moonlight shines in from the glass ceiling panels of the atrium, down onto the face of a man with somewhat long and relatively unkempt black hair that curtains in front of his eyes delicately. His jaw is strong, sharp; outlining narrow eyes and lips that settle into a somewhat upturned position when not forced into another shape.

Could it be…?

You do not respond right away, and neither does he press you further for a reply. Instead, the man carries himself forward and kneels down in front of a particular pile of painting supplies. Perhaps you hadn't taken careful enough notice of them, the way that the paint is still fresh and wet, now that you look at it.

His shirt is white, sleeves rolled up along his forearms and cuffed carelessly at the bend of his elbow. He appears strong, not at all the dainty, frail image of an artist type that one might typically assume someone like this to be. Somewhere within you swims the possibility that this is not the man that you are married to, merely some other person who also is granted the ability to use the atrium for its assigned purpose, but the thought seems asinine with the evidence presented in front of you.

He grabs a brush, takes a palette into hand and dips the bristles into something dark. One stroke, then another onto a canvas that has already been seen by his hand previously. He ignores you for many long moments, and as a result, you merely stand there in silence and watch as he continues on.

The brush dips into a jar of water, swirled around and faintly clinking against the glass. Then, the man looks up at you again.

"Is there?"

Forgetting that there has ever been a question posed, your mind races to catch up to what it is that he's asking. Nervousness catches your limbs, not knowing what to do with your hands, your feet, the expression on your face when suddenly and finally addressed. 

But you have no interest in answering his inquiry, and instead, pose one of your own.

"Why have you been lying to my father?"

"Ah," he says, the sound quiet and coming out with a knowing exhale. His attention drops back to the canvas and colors in front of him. "Do you make it a habit of reading other people's mail, then?"

"We've not even met once since I moved here, yet you're telling my father that we're getting along swimmingly, why?"

"Are we not?" Minho says, his engagement in the discussion confirmation enough of the fact that this is him. "No arguments, no raised tones or names called. As far as I'm concerned, we're getting along as well as one might hope, all things considered."

"We have never even met!" you nearly yell, dropping your volume at the tail end with the way that you know voice carries through the halls of the estate. This is a discussion meant for the two of you alone. "The least you could do after all of this time is introduce yourself to me, especially if you're going to be lying to my parents about the goings on out here!"

Minho looks up at you then, but his face is empty of feeling. "This is why I thought it best that we not meet, now I have to tell him that things have taken a turn," he says.

His face does not allude to it, but his tone very much does in the way that the faintest hint of amusement can be discerned throughout his words. Hearing such coyness does nothing to calm your growing resentment towards him, if anything, only adding fuel to the budding fire.

"Do you think this is funny?" you ask, anger laden in your voice. "Is that why you brought me out here? For your amusement, so that you could laugh to yourself in the late hours of the night about the woman that you're keeping holed up while I rot away inside of these walls and lament what my life might have been if my father had only allowed me a little more time?"

Stare unwavering, your eyes remain locked onto Minho's once you finish speaking, and he is not quick to reply in any fashion. Silence slips in between the two of you, only the faintest ticking of an old, antique clock stationed off to the side heard between the nothingness growing inside of the atrium.

Then, he sighs.

"I brought you out here because of the nature of our society and the expectation of certain norms therein. You know this as well as I do, what is expected of us by certain ages. Unfortunately for you, both of our time is nearly up and as a result, this is how fate would have it."

He explains it so matter of factly that the entire concept of these arrangements feels strange and foreign to you, despite its familiarity. Minho is right, and what he says to you is true, but it does little to make you feel calm in the matter. He offers you no comfort, no easiness or soft words to sort any pain that you may be feeling as a result of it. Perfunctory in delivery, Minho only gives to you precisely what it is that the two of you already know; nothing more, and nothing less.

You know this, but the dull ache of pain inside of your chest does not wane. It grows instead, so much so that you find yourself losing the ability to maintain disdain for him, or the fact that he brought you here, at all.

"Did you reach out to my father, or did he call out to you?" you ask, voice timid and broken. The details of the arrangement are of little consequence now, but you find yourself questioning it all the same. Perhaps they have only both ended up here by chance, and if so, is that the best possible outcome of all?

Lips thinning straight, it's a sort of forced smile that barely ever comes through, and Minho breaks eye contact once you present the question to him like he is aware that nothing he has to offer you will ever be enough.

The brush handle rattles against the glass once again, the sound sharp and jarring, bothersome to your ears now.

"He reached out to me," Minho says plainly, "and for that, you have my condolences."

𝕀𝕏.

Two weeks go by without so much as a sighting of the man that lives among you. In that time, however, a letter finds you from your mother. Late in the morning on a particularly dreary day, Mai comes to you in your study and hands off the envelope with a gleeful smile, seemingly thrilled to be offering you something instead of your husband.

"I was hoping that they would write to you soon," she says. "The early stages still require much conversing between the Master and your parents, but it's good that they have found the time to reach out to you now, as well."

"Yes, very good," you reply, forcing the sound of pleasantness through the words. You wonder if she knows about your meeting with Minho not so long ago, if she has been informed of your snooping and the knowledge you gained therein. "Thank you, I'll read it quickly."

Mai takes her leave and you are once again left to your things. Your finger slides beneath the flap of the envelope and pulls the seal apart, nimbly releasing the letter inside from its confines. Heart beating rapidly and not knowing what you will find, you attempt to steady your anxiety and land your eyes onto the page.

The words penned across it are happy ones, and that shifts your nerves at a sudden pace. She expresses her joy at all of the things your father has informed her in regards to his constant speaking with Minho; how well things have been going between the two of you, how worried she had been at the possibility of otherwise, and how proud she is of you. The words feel empty and as if they are not meant for you—how could they be? There is no truth held inside of any of it.

Once finished, you slip the letter back inside and tuck it away beneath your manuscript, opting instead to turn your attention towards the garden that awaits you just through the dampened window. Rain lightly pelts it, a calming sound that is very much needed in the aftermath of this reminder. 

Recalling your conversation with Minho in the atrium, you hone in on the specifics of it now. In particular, his stoic interpretation of this combination between the two of you. It was not he who intended to seek you out, and rather, the both of you share the difficulties of age and societal expectations that have been casted upon you at birth. A loveless marriage it is, convenience, even; but circumstances that the both of you are flattened beneath the pressure of.

You had once wished for him to be a man with no interest in you, and that is precisely what you have been graced with. Minho does not care for your presence, does not wish to spend time with you or converse with you in any way that people who share a home tend to do. This is what you had wanted for, so then why now does it feel so rotten to be on the receiving end of it?

A flash of lightning in the far off distance comes to pass, and it is at that moment that you come to your decision: you will make your way to the atrium once more.

𝕏.

Shadows flicker and dance across the darkness of the walls and bookcases lining the crescent shaped sides of the atrium, seen long before you reach the topmost step. There is no sound besides faint rustling, and the occasional, familiar clinking of wooden stick against glass rim.

Minho is there.

You reach the top and find him; on his knees and hunched over not unlike your last meeting in this place. His shoulders and back flex against the tightness of the white blouse that holds him, deceptively firm muscles that you are only now able to see from this angle. He stills briefly, silent acknowledgment of his knowing that you are there, but carries on with his task for a while before bothering to utter a word.

"You shouldn't be up here."

An expected warning, but it does little to deter you. Instead of turning back, you continue forward, towards him, and stop only a few more strides away. Distance given out of the goodness of your heart, and because you accept wrongdoing in ever having come here in the first place.

"Why?" you ask.

With busy hands, Minho remains fast at work, splashing blues, pinks and purples across the white canvas. His features do not twist or contort in any sort of way that one might expect from tortured artists who suffer at the hands of their crafts. Quite the contrary; he appears at ease, calm and collected in this place that is meant only for him and the creations that pour from his skilled fingers.

"For no other reason than it being my working space, and working spaces must be maintained as such." He pauses finally, drops the bush into the water sitting just beside and then looks up at you through messy, loose strands of black hair. "It is no place for conversing, especially if you wish to fight with me like before."

The reluctance in his voice, almost pained in the way that he says it, has your eyebrows pressing together with rather intense confusion. While it is true that you had been far from pleased with the discoveries made the first time you made your way up here, to call it something of a fight feels rather excessive to you, in hindsight.

"I wouldn't say that we fought, can you blame me for feeling the way that I had felt then?"

"Not at all," he admits with ease, "but you shouldn't go through my things, and you shouldn't raise your voice at me in regards to matters that are just as much out of my control as they are your own."

That rubs you wrongly, and your eyes narrow as a result of it. "They are not equally out of our control. You desired a woman to live idly in your home and that is what you received. I desired only the smallest allowance of time in order to get my surroundings back on track, and in the end, what I received was nothing more than being the aforementioned idle woman."

Minho sighs heavily, then turns back to the canvas in front of him. "How many times must I apologize for that? It's not as if I had known when the inquiry was sent to me that you would be so displeased. Is it not enough that I do not force you to engage with me?"

"That's not—"

"I ask nothing of you," Minho continues, a newfound pointedness to his voice. "I do not request your company in any capacity, no expectation of you to entertain me in any way. I do not bother you, I do my best to stay out of your way. Anything you desire, it's yours. Money, gifts, luxury cloths or even the most expensive art pieces from all across the globe…any of it can be yours, should it suit you."

His voice wavers as he reaches the tail end of his words, and the weight of it hangs heavy on your heart. Minho sounds sad, defeated in a battle that he hadn't even bothered to take on. 

Then, he looks up towards you again. 

"If a lover is what you wish to have, you may take one. I understand the difficulty in meeting people so far out in the countryside, but I'll see to it that the staff will accommodate your needs in any way."

Once he finishes, you stand silently just off and to the side of him. Your stares towards one another rest in the balance, you anticipate him saying more, but the words never come.

You frown at him, just slightly.

"What do you know about me?" you ask.

The question seems to take him aback, eyes widening slightly at the suddenness of it being presented towards him. His eyes fall from yours then, cast around the floor between you as if the answers sprawled out somewhere there. Eventually, he accepts his fate, and looks back up towards you.

"I…I don't know. Nothing, I suppose. Not beyond what your father has told me throughout our correspondence."

"My father knows nothing about me, not beyond the perfected image of daughterhood that I am expected to present. You know all about expectations, don't you, Mr. Lee?"

His watching you continues, but no words dare to be uttered by the man.

"Perhaps instead of holing yourself up here your whole life, you come down and do what is expected of you." Turning back towards the stairs that brought you here, you begin your descent down—one, two—and then pause to turn back for your final parting words.

"A man is expected to be seen by his wife, is he not? To talk to her, to know things about her, to learn. More than that, a husband is expected to do all of that, and even more. I refuse to allow you to use my invisible presence here as nothing more than a story that you can tell people while you're away presenting your art pieces. You wanted me here, and so I am. You will have to do better, because I have nothing left to lose, and the humiliation of returning home from a failed marriage is a far cry from the things I have already endured."

Minho does not reply.

𝕏𝕀.

The next morning, just as any other, you maintain your routines.

Exiting your bedroom, your feet pad along the floor one after another—simple slippers that adorn them, keeping your toes warm—the sound of it is one that you have now grown accustomed to, the echo as it carries through the emptiness of the estate.

Thankfully, as you draw nearer to the lowest level and towards the kitchen, the gentle music of other inhabitants fondly make themselves known to you. Scents mix in as well, cinnamon and coffee and vanilla all whirled together in the air that you can't help but find peace amongst it all. When you enter, you are greeted brightly by Mai, as well as the other housekeepers lending their hands to ensure a seamlessly run ship.

You offer your thanks, and head along your way towards the study. The door hangs ajar, just as you always leave it. No concern for whether or not Minho will make his way down and curiosity will get the best of him upon catching sight of your belongings; a man who has made it more than clear that he holds no such fascination in you.

The large seat situated in front of the window awaits you. Today is sunny, the short rain that tells a tale of spring soon to come, having since passed during the nighttime and bringing after its having gone bright skies and pristine white clouds. A good day, a nice day. You sit, opening the drawer inside of the desk and pulling from it the notebook that holds your manuscript. So many years of work, so personal and encompassing everything that makes you. 

With your back towards the door, you only vaguely hear the sounds of Mai's hushed utterance from just within the kitchen. Some exclamation of surprise, though it disappears with the same swiftness that it seems to have caught her. Perhaps a bug, or a misplaced knife settled within the wrong drawer—anything could be the case—and for that very reason, you brush it off and focus instead on the pen and paper before you.

Then, there's a knock at the wood of your door.

"Yes?" you call back out at it, unsure of what the housekeepers could be wanting from you. Your typical routine with them has been more or less concluded, no obvious reason for anyone to be looking for you now. "I've not finished with my first coffee yet, I'll come when I have, you need not wait on me and worry yourselves sick."

"Does the Lady of the house have a moment of her time to spare?"

Before you can so much as fathom it, your body whips around and you nearly wholly twist in your chair to look back at the place that the masculine voice has come.

As if what awaits you there could be anything else, anyone else; Minho stands in the small crack of the doorway, barely enough for him to fit half of his body through. He does not dare attempt it, waiting outside for your word of affirmation. His face is downcast, looking up through eyelashes at you like he is doing something entirely wrong of the both of you. Anticipating being turned away, expecting to be berated for having the gall to make such a brave attempt.

"Y-yes, of course, come in!" you reply, biting back the eagerness in your tone at the end of the sentence. Suddenly, you become painfully aware of the space around you and how unkempt you have allowed it to be. "I apologize, it's something of a mess. I only come in here to do some small tasks to keep myself busy and then I leave so I don't think much of keeping it tidy."

Minho steps inside, though the effort is barely there. Two steps into the room, and then he stops; looks around it like he has never been here before. Eventually, you come to understand that he is not so much looking at the things he keeps and rather, that he is avoiding eyes that belong to you.

"It is yours, you may keep it as you wish," he says. His hands dance between being cradled in front of himself, to similarly behind his back. Forward again, thumbs craned into his pockets, then out and to his sides—strangely, uncomfortably. He does not know what to do with them. "I apologize for intruding on your time like this, I—" he pauses, stops looking around once he realizes he has seen all that there is to see, and then has no other option than to look at you. This action is short lived, however, eyes quickly falling to the wood beneath his feet. "I believe that you were correct last night, in your assessment of me and our arrangement. For that reason, I want to make an effort. I want to…do what is expected of me."

Silence blankets the room, his eyes cast upwards again; "If that's all right, of course."

"Yes, yes of course it's…what I would prefer, I think." Once again, excitement that betrays your unwillingness to give too much, too fast. Even if he weren't looking at you, the glee would be heard in your voice. "At the very least, an effort made to get to know one another on a more personal basis. We may never fall in love, may never become lovers…it's impossible to say if we will ever even become friends, but I think it best for the both of us if there is some level of acquaintanceship here."

Minho nods once, swallowing so hard and through a throat so dry that you swear you can hear it. "Understood. Though I must say, I do…" he trails off in thought, returns to it only moments later, "I still intend to spend the majority of my time in the atrium, for work. I must insist that even with our new arrangement, you do not come up there. I will instead…make myself more common down here, or if you request my presence—not that I suspect you will—please inform Mai, and she will retrieve me."

"I accept these terms, but in the inception of such, it is only fair that I forge those of my own."

Eyes widening in shock, Minho seems surprised by your candor. Though you do not know him well, one thing you are thankful for is his seeming unwillingness to abide by much of the traditional social construct that exists around the expectations of the way that men and women are meant to engage with one another. You speak loudly and brashly with Minho, a man that you barely know, and he accepts as much with grace. When he wishes for you to not engage with him in such ways, he calmly asks it of you, rather than demands it through authoritarian fear.

When you wish to push back, he takes a step backwards of his own in order to grant you the space to do so.

"That indeed is fair," Minho agrees, a barely-there smile curving into the corners of his lips. "What does the Lady seek?"

"We have a meal together, most days. Breakfast or dinner, it is of no particular consequence to me. I do not know if you prefer the morning or evening hours, but based on your artistic habits and the dark circling beneath your eyes currently, one can only assume that breakfast is out of the question."

Your own smile perks up, and along with it, Minho's widens. He turns his head, looks over in an attempt to find the nearest reflective surface. Only a silver vase, his face coming out all wobbly and distorted as he looks at himself against it. The truth of your words is still found, however.

"I accept," he says. "Dinner. Let's have dinner together tonight."

You grant him a nod, and he cumbersomely turns towards the door to take his leave.

"One more thing," he adds, paused perfectly within the doorframe but choosing not to look back at you. "Perhaps we should…prepare for the conversations that will be had. It would be awfully unfortunate to waste our time together among the dead of an otherwise quiet night."

Charmed in all of the most fascinating and incomprehensible ways, you see straight through the veil that Minho has attempted to hold up. A million questions run through your mind already; regarding him, this estate, his work, where he has been, and you cannot fathom the possibility of him not experiencing the same. Rather, the second likelihood swims within your thoughts, humorously intriguing, and serving as the catalyst for your ability to begin putting the pieces of him together into something far more recognizable.

Lee Minho is reserved. Locked away in the countryside and borderline cripplingly timid in the face of anything new and not easily understood—made sense by the dabbing of colored paints onto a canvas, dragged and splotched into something that his eye can really and truly see.

Later that evening, Mai and her staff spend far more time and effort preparing a meal than is truly necessary. You worry to yourself slightly watching the lot of them hustle about—there are only two of you, after all—but Mai insists each and every time that she finds the concern spread across your features that she is actually quite thrilled to be doing something such as this for once.

"The Master does not have company often, and for that reason, does not frequently take a proper meal in the evenings," she says, delight dripping from her voice.

Comically to you, however, is the fact that Minho is here and seated at the table across from you already; spoken about as if he is not even in the room. You look him over when Mai admits as much and his features pan, somewhat pained by the truth of it all, you suppose.

"I'm busy in the evenings, more often than not, you are well aware of this, Mai."

"That's no reason not to allow us to have some fun in this kitchen." Her fists ball up at the tops of her hips, and then a handful of other staff begin making their way over to set dishes atop the table.

"You shouldn't say it like I don't permit you to do so," Minho says. He glances up at you briefly, as if to gauge how you're taking all of this. Worried you might think him to be an evil ruler of the manor. "You can, it's just—"

"Wasteful!" Mai finishes with a knowing nod, and then disappears from your side of the table altogether. Her next words are spoken from quite a ways away, down the hall and out of the dining area. "Enjoy your meal! Call for us if you need anything!" she says.

And then the room is silent.

The smells of roasted chicken and glazed vegetables quickly beckon your attention. Buttered dinner rolls in wicker baskets and already poured glasses of wine await each of you. The serving of food has already been completed, your plate piled high with items that drown in delicious looking gravy and topped with garnishes. 

You reach towards your wine glass, and make short eye contact with Minho along the way.

He clears his throat, shuffles uncomfortably in his seat after it, and then picks up his eating utensils.

"Some men," he starts, then waits, like he isn't sure that it's so much of a good idea, "some men can be strange about the types of food, or the amount, that their wives eat."

You continue staring at him, because what is the point of this?

Minho reaches for his glass, takes a large sip from it. "Uhh, I'm not like those men, so please, have your fill."

"Are you informing me that I am permitted to not go hungry for appearances?" you ask flatly.

"I—" he begins, short and cut off, not sure where to go from here. "Yes, I suppose that I am. I just wanted to be clear, in case there was cause for concern."

"With all due respect," you say through a light chuckle, "we're in the middle of nowhere, and I've not left the estate since I came. Who am I really intending to impress?"

Minho does not respond to that. He seems to be willing to relent to the conversation at just about any turn, which amuses and also confuses you. Watching him, he cuts into a piece of potato and carefully puts the chunk between slightly crooked, off kilter front teeth. Sort of charming, one of those quirks about a person's appearance that grows on you over time.

He looks up at you suddenly, then takes another sip of the wine.

"What do you do here? How do you spend your days?"

That is unexpected, though you can't quite pinpoint why. Perhaps it is the brashness of finally asking something so quizzical, so personal; a true attempt at learning something about you in a way not before seen or expressed by him. You do not answer right away, nor does he press further. Only the scraping of silverware against fine porcelain is heard throughout the space for entirely too long.

Might he think you strange for your habits? Is he someone safe to tell?

It's worth the chance, and you will yourself to be unbothered by any negative reaction that he may have.

"I…um, I'm writing a book," you say, steadying the tremble that punctures the words, "I do a lot of writing. In the mornings I wake up early, have my breakfast, and then I write in the study by the garden."

You remain nervous about Minho's reaction, but for no discernible reason you come to find. His eyebrows perk up, attention rapt by what it is that you've said. "A book? That's quite impressive, how long have you been working on it?"

"Oh, many years." Stumbling through the strangeness of his sudden exhilaration, you attempt to maintain your composure. "It is something of a memoir, so I have been collecting moments of my life for as long as I can remember."

Minho shakes his head, evidently stunned by such a possibility. "Writing is such a magnificent craft, everyday I wish that the gift of language and written word is the one that had come to find my hands."

"Painting is an incredible art, so few people are creatively capable of mastering the concepts of color or line like you have. Anyone literate can write a sentence."

Minho looks up and the two of you meet glances. It is a moment shared between people who have a newfound understanding amongst one another, and as a result, it feels special; magical. He smiles slightly, and you can't help but match it, too.

"Well, anyone can scribble color onto a canvas, but I think we both know well enough that there is much more that goes into the arts than that," Minho says, a newfound casualness that you feel as though you have only just unlocked to his tone. "Are you looking to publish someday?"

"I think I might like to, if the opportunity were to arise." You stop, reconsider the content therein, and correct for that. "Anonymously, or under a penname. Not my own."

He nods in acceptance of that, then takes another bite of food with his vision cast down towards the plate. In times like this, Minho reminds you of a small child, poorly socialized and unsure of how to move about the world with other people in it. He tries his best, has only the best of intentions, but it never quite feels as though it's enough.

Little by little, you're peeling through those layers. All things considered, so far, the journey isn't half bad.

"I'm pleased that we've decided to do this," Minho says, focused solely on pushing the broccoli around on his plate idly. "Spend time together, I mean. Getting to know one another."

Thus far, perhaps there is a part of you that cannot help but agree.

𝕏𝕀𝕀.

New routines unearth themselves throughout the estate.

Spring washes over the land in waves; flowers in their fullest blossom, live with color and birds that joyously scour the land for new perches to rest their tired wings atop. The trees fill in once more with lush greens and fruits that begin to fill in along the firm branches.

Minho makes himself more often seen throughout the manor corridors, though often brief and insistent on his having some other place to be. You learn not to take it to heart—his insistence in giving himself an out of the conversation—as it would seem that conversation with others is not a skill that comes naturally to him.

Still, you appreciate the effort. Some mornings, Minho slinks down the stairway and into the kitchen, long before his usual rising hours, and asks you about the agenda for your day. You often do not have much to offer him, but Minho watches on as you fill him in with his chin cradled in his hands and eyes that sparkle under the barely breaking dawn that washes in from the windows. He always smiles; somewhat crooked, with one side pulling ever so slightly higher than the other. It isn't a lot, but for now, it will do.

The month is April, and out of the study window you find Minho tending to the garden.

The outside grounds are not well traveled by you, partially on account of arriving to the countryside in the dead of winter. Now that the breezes have warmed and the snow has melted, it's as fine a time as any, and you carry yourself off towards the side door in the kitchen to take your first few steps into the garden that you have adoringly watched all of these months.

"Decided not to keep yourself cooped up in there, did you?" Minho asks playfully, only briefly glancing up towards you from his bent and knelt position in the turned soil. His hands are dirty—no gloves to be seen—but his forearms flex and pulse with strength as he rips at weeds and digs his holes. "People are going to start to think I don't permit you to leave."

"People? What people?" you reply. "Even my own parents have grown bored of writing to me. I don't think you live in any fear of what the people might think. Perhaps they assume that we are wildly happy together, no interest in sharing that with the rest of the unworthy world."

"Aren't we?" Minho says, chuckling lightly. 

You make an effort to ignore the question, as well as the way his muscles all appear taut and well attended to beneath his moistened white shirt. Minho is a good looking man, in ways that are a little surprising to you and even in spite of his lack of social character, but even as your husband, he is a stranger. A man that you now live with because it is nothing more than convenient for the both of you, not someone to be lusted after.

Hyunjin comes to mind suddenly. Every time you find yourself missing the touch of a man, it's him that torments you still.

"Of course." You make an effort to ignore the thoughts, and change the subject. "I didn't know you had an interest in gardening. Perhaps I wrongfully assumed it to be something kept up with by the staff."

"Wrong indeed," he says, wiping at his forehead with the rolled up sleeve of his shirt. His skin glistens under the spring sunlight, hair collecting the moisture of his face within its strands. 

You are only lusting after him in this way because you wish to be touched by a man again, you barely even know him, you reason. Some reason.

"It's something I picked up a good many years back, when I was shoved deeply into the success of my career. I spent even more time locked away with my work and my paintings, if you could even believe it," Minho says, smiling at himself at the memory of it all. "So, I had to find a reason to get out of the house. Not too far, or for too long, but something. Additionally, I enjoy the act of creation…" he pauses, picks up a small vegetable bulb and holds it up for you to look at. "What's more creative than life?"

You smile, wide and with teeth in a way that you don't remember having done in such a long, long time. Minho laughs at your reaction, and then carries on burying the plant into the ground as originally intended.

"You like to play God in the garden, then?" 

"I wouldn't say that."

"What would you say?"

Minho looks up, a surprisingly thoughtful expression etched into his features, as if really, genuinely giving the question an ample amount of thought. "I would say that I like to create!"

A beat of silence passes between the two of you, and Minho continues on with his task. You cock your head to the side, watching him quietly as he moves as if an incredibly bizarre exchange hasn't just taken place. The truth of the matter, you know without so much as even having to ask, is that the discussion is more than likely not strange to him, at all. A perfectly fine chat, nothing out of the ordinary.

Naturally, in the midst of moments like these is when Minho seems most at ease.

"You're a bit odd, Mr. Lee," you say. Calmness is heavy in your tone, marking down the potential distaste that might otherwise accompany such words. "Do you often hear that?"

"Yes, but my oddities and eccentricities are what make the mind tick, the art work and come to life. If I were anything other than myself, who knows what may come of it. I'd rather not find out. Oh, that reminds me—"

Setting his tools down and wiping his hands uselessly on his brown trousers, Minho pauses all of his toiling about to give you his full attention for the words that he is intending for you. His face appears somewhat disappointed, but there's something else mixing within the emotions that you might easily name that you can't quite pinpoint.

"At the beginning of the summer, around June or so, I will leave you to carry on with a showing. I will be gone until autumn time, perhaps November…it will be cold again when I return."

Your stomach drops, and that feeling shocks you.

"Of course, the estate is yours to do as you see fit, and you may leave it as frequently as you wish, too. All of the staff will be yours. It is all yours."

Your lips thin into a frown, and as it would seem, the reaction surprises Minho. He looks up at you in confusion, and perhaps quickly works through the thoughts by himself, because his eyes dip down and away from you, unable to share his gaze with your own with how displeased you appear.

"I'm going to be alone here…for months…"

"Well, you won't be alone…" he says quietly, offering nothing.

"We've finally begun the process of getting to know one another in a meaningful way, and now you're leaving until autumn…it'll be as though we're strangers all over again when you return."

"Surely it won't be that bad…" Minho forces himself to give you answers, but none of them quell the feeling that presses against your chest. "I'll return before you even notice I'm away. For a long time upon your arrival, it was as if I wasn't here at all."

"And I hated it!" you reply quickly, brashly. The words come out loud and honest in a way that you have not intended. Your eyes sit wide on your face, and finally, Minho slowly looks up at you again with eyes not unlike your own.

Neither of you speak for a long while, until Minho sighs and has no other option but to do so himself.

"I apologize, I…did not anticipate that you would feel this way about it, but nevertheless, there is nothing that I can do. This is a part of my work, I often must leave to do such things. The year after this one will be no different, and if it is, then the futility of fame and the fickleness of the human intrigue has finally caught up to me." He quiets again, continues trying to wipe the dirt caked onto the skin of his hands off and onto his pants uselessly. A pointless endeavor. It feels not unlike wanting to be loved. 

"I can…try to come home sooner, at the tail end of things. Sometimes it wraps up earlier than anticipated," he says, looking away from your disappointed eyes. "I've not bothered to rush home before, with nothing waiting for me. Not to imply that you are…waiting for my return…"

"I would like that," you say, simply put. "Suppose then we should make an effort to make these last two months together count, yes?"

Minho doesn't look up at you, too socially strangled to do so. It's not necessary, however, because the small perk at the corner of his mouth as a result of what you have proposed says plenty.

𝕏𝕀𝕀𝕀.

"Another lovely dinner, thank you, Mai."

She nods to Minho kindly, accepting the compliment, and then finishes up her small cleaning tasks to head out and away from the dining area. You look out and across the living room at the large window that leads into the garden—not unlike your study—and bask in the way that the moonlight shines down onto the glistening, wet leaves and petals that have since come to bloom.

"Have you been out yet? In the evening, I mean." Minho turns to you when he says it, notices where it is that you've been looking, but you shake your head.

"No, too busy with my writing, I suppose."

"You'll find an excuse forever if you allow yourself to, come on, let's go."

Minho doesn't touch you, but he waves his hand towards you and then back into the direction of the side door that leads into the garden. You follow along without much argument, wanting just as much to see what the grounds have to offer you, and perhaps now is as good of a time as any.

The nighttime breeze is cold, and you are not at all dressed to be traversing it with only a thin shawl draped over your shoulders. Immediately upon stepping down and onto the cobblestone pathway your arms fly up to cradle yourself, attempting to hug back the warmth that escapes. Minho seems far less bothered by the pricking of cold against his skin. He is never dressed in anything special or extravagant for as long as you have known him; a plain, white button down shirt with brown, fitted pants suited for not much more than becoming dirty without a care. 

Regardless, you push through. It is not often that the two of you partake in anything other than a dinner, or a coffee together. Two people so wrapped up in their own things that they nearly forget about the existence of the other. You make an effort—Minho is getting better over the weeks—but only so many hours in a day.

The two of you slip around the gray, brick corner of the home; grand in its stature. As far as the eye can see sit beds of flowers, ornate bushes, and the shining droplets of rain from earlier in the day that still collect on each. It's a beautiful sight, the way that they twinkle, and when Minho turns to look back at you, a rare and wide smile pulls at his face.

And then it falls.

"Are you cold?" he asks, concerned and rushing towards you instead. "You should have said something, only now do I realize that you're not dressed for the evening breeze."

"I'm fine, really," you insist, something of a lie with the way that you tremble. He must not be thinking clearly, too wrapped up in the sight before him to thoroughly consider all of his options. Minho reaches for you, presses smooth, warm palms to your arms and runs down them carefully before grasping gently at your wrists and pulling your body against his. He wraps his arms around you—he is firm, both in body and embrace—and he smells like the strangest combination of paint and cinnamon.

Indeed, you are warmer now.

You are not unfamiliar with the touch of a man, and it is not that in particular that dredges up the nervousness in your stomach. Rather, you have never shared a touch with this man, and this man is the one that you live with, are married to. You wonder if it is only natural to have considered the possibility of wanting him; handsome, smart, kind, who wouldn't at the very least enjoy the fantasy of such a thing.

But never to touch.

Minho's hands, surprisingly strong and confident, inch down your back to pool at the small of it as distance is created between the both of your bodies. You crave the kind of intimacy that being like this gives you, but still it feels wrong when it comes from him. Accepting this arrangement as nothing more than a marriage of convenience cements certain ideas for the remainder of your time with this man, and one of those, unwaveringly, is that love and love making will be strictly absent from it.

Yet you enjoy the way that he touches you now.

In the dark of night, and just outside of the manor, Minho pulls back from you slowly and it's like this that you are finally able to see him up close, the tiny, charming intricacies of his face otherwise missed due to proximity. A small freckle on his nose, the ever so slight crookedness to his front teeth that—while you have noticed—are so much more handsome and real like this.

His eyes sparkle looking at you, and there's a pause before anything more happens. In your mind, you beg. Loudly asking for that which you seek, no matter the outcome. You can deal with that when it comes, and perhaps you don't even know precisely what it is that you desire from him now. Still, you beg; please, please, please…

Minho's eyes fixate on yours, and then drop down, down, to where your lips sit. His own part, as if with intention to speak, or a desire to taste, one you prefer far more than the other. He does neither, however, finds eye contact once more, but his fingers grasping harder into the loose fabric sitting at the small of your back sends chills down your spine in a way that the meeting of your lips might not even manage.

Do you want, Lee Minho? Do you crave, as well?

"We should go inside," he says, a whisper that shakes. His gaze finds itself fixated down towards your lips again, and all concern aside, you want in that moment for him to have you. "You're not dressed to be out here, you'll catch a cold."

If Minho has ever desired you, even for a moment prior to this, never has he shown so much as an inkling of it. Now, he stands unraveled, pulled apart and bare for you to see. You wonder if he aches, you cannot help but wonder whether or not the need will be sated.

"Yes, let us do that," you answer, but only because you should. No part of you wishes to find warmth within the walls of the estate. 

The following weeks bring a sort of comfortable bliss to the previously cold, ominous interior of the home. One morning, however, that all changes.

Early mornings are warmer now than they once were, each passing day cutting through the chilly breeze. The grounds come to live in lush greens and colorful petals; you've even begun taking trips out of the countryside and into the nearest, small town. It has little to offer besides functional necessity, but leaving the estate is a breath of fresh air that rejuvenates your senses.

You hope to make that journey today, but first, there is work that must be done.

The manuscript is coming along, words filling each page like they've always meant to be there. With your coffee in hand, you make your way towards the study that keeps your things like an untended vault. Secrets hide inside, but no one dares to seek them out—or so you thought.

You push the door open, and what you find is nearly enough to drop the cup from your hands and to the floor completely. Your heart stops similarly instead, and for a brief moment, you cannot believe your eyes.

Minho looks up at you from inside, standing by the desk from which you often work. In his hands sit all of your deepest, innermost secrets. Things you wish not to share with him now, perhaps ever, but the look on his face is one of someone who now understands everything.

He is difficult to read from here, his feelings incomprehensible from just what his features have presented as the two of your eyes meet.

You rush inside, though the damage is done, you know. "What are you doing?" you ask, making little effort to mask your feelings on this matter. Once you reach him, you snatch the pages from his hands and shove them back inside of the drawer from which he got them. "That's not yours to read!"

He does not respond right away, and instead, the room fills with a heavy silence. Minho's hands drop slowly to his sides as he watches you, lips pulled thinly across his face. He appears neither angry, nor sad. He has the appearance of nothing, at all.

"I only wanted to understand you better, get to know you more than what we already have, I thought…" he trails off, eyes falling away from yours, "I thought this to be the best way, suppose I was not mistaken."

You don't dare make an attempt to find his gaze, not looking at one another. It's better like this. Anger bubbles up inside of you, as well as the humiliation of everything that has led you to this point, to this place with him. "So, now you know. Now you know everything."

"I don't…" Minho starts again in response, once again there are words that he cannot seem to find with the same sort of urgency that he needs them. "If it is some concern about my feelings on the matter, I'm unbothered by what you've done, by your history."

"And why should you care?" you ask, the words coming out biting and spit like a kind of venom. "We are not involved in this partnership in any typical sense of the word. This is a marriage of convenience, and convenient it shall remain." It feels bad when spoken, as if betraying your own self-interest. What you feel it to be instead is the most logical course of action given the circumstances; neither serving you nor your heart as far as any potential, budding relationship between the two of you is concerned.

Minho's eyes dart up at that and find your own, but you continue on. "A wife for show, am I not? And for show I will continue to be. No one else knows, you will never experience the same sort of humiliation as I have, if that is your concern."

"It's not." His face twists at the words you've said to him. "That couldn't be the furthest thing from my concern. Do I come off as someone who loses sleep over the opinions of people?"

There's more fight in his voice now, something you're not used to hearing from him. It rattles you, but only slightly, because you are not frightened of him or what he may do. Rather, it serves as a sort of reminder of just how little you appear to understand about him. Most men, most husbands, in these situations would be livid, and demanding of the dissolution of a partnership from which has been built upon deception. This, however, would seem to be far from Minho's interest.

"I would be dishonest if I said that I didn't wish you had told me, of course I do, but I am reasonable enough to understand why you have not," Minho says. "You have lived a whole life before ever having met me, your path leading you elsewhere. That is neither my business, nor my concern. My concern is…"

He does not complete the thought and instead turns away from you once more. Minho makes his way towards the door of the study, but gives pause just before making his exit.

"I am to leave in a week's time, perhaps the space will do us well, after all."

The reminder of all of the time that you will spend by yourself hangs grossly dense inside of your heart. Everything about this feels so wrong, not as it was meant to ever be. Birthed from some incomprehensible place is the desire to beg him to stay, to not leave you here alone despite knowing that he cannot. So much progress has been made between the two of you, only to be spoiled by this; left to fester for the summer months, and you cannot fathom a scenario in which he returns having missed you now.

𝕏𝕀𝕍.

When Minho leaves for his trip, you do not bid him farewell.

Instead, you watch from the window of your bedroom as bags and canvases are piled into the carriage. Minho, Mai and the rest of the staff all smile and say their goodbyes—you can't help but wonder if he wishes you were there alongside them.

It is unimportant. What must be done carries on regardless, and Minho sits himself inside, the carriage pulls away, and down the pathway he eventually disappears; not to return until the leaves on the trees begin to color and fall away with the soon to be onset of winter air once more.

You wonder if you will miss him, only time will tell.

The passing months bore you, and offer you little to placate your wandering mind.

Summer is in full swing, it comes and works its way to closing before you have much of a moment to enjoy it. You make many trips into town to partake in the fresh bakeries and even engage with the folk who enjoy their lives there. They seem happy, you can't help but wonder what that must be like.

Though the manor had been lonely upon your first arrival, there is a stark difference between then, and now. The knowledge that Minho was there—somewhere—within the halls somehow serving as just enough of a comfort to take the edge off of the blanketing nothingness, now gone; and worse than that, you do not know what awaits you when he will return.

Mai offers you kindness, and that is appreciated, but her dedication to her job makes it so that the line towards friendship never truly becomes crossed. You have not seen your parents, and they do not write to you as often as you might like them to. Tzuyu has sent a letter or two, but they are as infrequent as the others, as she is busy with the courtship process herself after the announcement from the prince.

Seven days into September, there is a knock at the door.

Sitting in the vast living room area, surrounded by old paintings, books and other such decorations, the sun begins to set on the home and the summer heat finally starts to wane. The book in hand—one Minho had recommended before his departure—is one that tells the tale of an old painter who traveled all around the world, and gifted a canvas of his art to every person that he met along the way. You wonder if this is the life that Minho wishes for, you wonder if eventually, you will be left behind for good as nothing more than another collectible that he has accumulated inside of the estate.

"Miss…" 

Mai comes up from behind, wringing her hands strangely, unlike anything you've ever seen from her before. Nervous. "You have a visitor."

"I do?" you question, reeling. You are not expecting anyone. "Who is it?"

"I think it might be best if you come quickly."

She has never appeared so concerned to you, and thus, you make haste to follow her and trust her word. The strides past the kitchen and through the small hallway are quick and long, there's a kind of worry bubbling up inside of you. All of the worst potential things begin to muddle your mind; what if your parents have passed away and someone has come to deliver the news in person? 

But turning into the foyer puts a different kind of nail into a different kind of coffin.

Three men stand in the doorway, one on each side of the person intended to be the centerpiece of their arrival. A simple, loose black shirt draping over broad shoulders and a thin, lithe torso, cinched at the waist and carelessly tucked into the matching black trousers there.

He nearly gives the appearance of someone normal, everyday. Just a spot above Minho's own, usual look. Fascinating, the way your mind instantly moves to compare the two.

"Hello, darling," Hyunjin says. Then, he turns to his guards. "You may go."

You feel Mai's eyes on you, and quickly turn to acknowledge them. "Please, leave us."

She nods, and you can only imagine the questions running through her head. You have not a clue how you intend on ever addressing them in the future, but there are many things that you do not understand yet in front of you.

"Your Highness," you say, and then begin to take your bow. Hyunjin steps forward with a gentle scoff, and quickly waves the display away, instead setting his hand atop your shoulder as he moves past you and into the direction from which you came. 

"That's not necessary, let us leave the theatrics of royalty for the streets, where the people might see them, shall we? I think we are a long way away from requiring that between us."

And so you do. The two of you make your way back into the common area of the downstairs and each take an end of the lengthiest couch. Hyunjin sits leaned forward, hands clasped together and resting against his knees. His hair is still long and dark, you thought he might cut it to relinquish such a boyish, juvenile look, but you find that has not been the case.

"I must admit," he begins through a sigh, "I was a bit taken aback when I heard who it was that you ended up being married off to."

"Yes, well, suppose I experienced much of the same when it came to you," you reply curtly.

To that, Hyunjin smiles slightly and stares down at the floor between his feet.

"Fair play. Unfortunately, there are certain expectations…"

"Was everything a lie? Did you never have any intention of marrying me? Did you never love me? If there are expectations then surely you knew when we began our private affairs what could come of it all, so why…"

"It's not so simple," Hyunjin says slowly, turning to look at you now. "My parents have the majority of say in who gets chosen. How lovely it would be if falling in love were enough."

You look at him, but frown. The possibility that the choice be wholly out of his hands is not one that had ever crossed your mind, too busy cursing him for a choice that may have never been his to begin with. Your eyes rake over him, his face; and perhaps there is something of a sadness behind his eyes if you dare to give him the grace of seeing it.

"Where is Sana?"

To this question, Hyunjin sits back with a heavy, loud exhale. "At home, perhaps shopping with her friends as she tends to do. Where is Mr. Lee?"

"Away for work, until the end of autumn."

"It must be lonely, being cooped up here in the countryside alone for so long."

"I…" you hesitate, unsure of how much of yourself you wish to indulge in a man who has already hurt you so gravely in the past. "I make do."

Looking towards you again, Hyunjin's gaze is heavy and narrow, full of a silent contemplation that he has not yet shared with you. Talking to someone that you know so well feels comforting, welcomed. You feel at home. He is disarming.

"Does he suit you?" Hyunjin asks.

You hadn't thought about it in such simplistic terms before. Does Minho suit you? you question yourself in your mind again.

And then you give one, single nod. "He suits me enough, I suppose. Our partnership is a bit…unorthodox perhaps, but we find joy in each other's company."

His eyebrow perks up at that, catching the hint of something unspoken hidden between the words.

"Is that so? A loveless marriage then?"

You scoff, shifting uncomfortably in your seat at the mere mention of it, regardless of how much truth there may be in the statement. "I think loveless makes it seem so much more harsh than it is. I believe we have begun to care for one another in some fashion, over the months. We talk, we have meals together—"

"But he doesn't make love to you."

Stilling your awkward movements, you slowly turn to look up and meet Hyunjin's curious gaze once more.

"No. We've not…reached that point in our relationship, if we ever do." Your eyes fall away. "Surely you are familiar with marriages of convenience, and that very much is ours. We are both at peace with it. Minho is kind, he is accepting of my interests and allows me to do as I please in order to maintain a sense of self, I couldn't ask for more."

As if taking your words as an invitation, Hyunjin slowly begins making his way down the length of the empty couch and towards you. A wry smile tugs at his lips, and though the better part of you knows better than to entertain the possibility of whatever it is that this man may have to offer you, there does still remain the wicked loneliness of a woman who misses—craves—the adoring, wanting touch of a man who desires her.

You tell yourself to create more space between your bodies as Hyunjin comes near, to stand to your feet, to ask him to leave. You are not frightened of him, not an ounce of concern laden in you that he may wish to take something that you are unwilling to give him; no, the horror lies within the fact that you very much do wish to give to him.

Hyunjin's hand finds your leg. The touch is light, tentative and testing. You do not pull away.

"That is no way to live the rest of your days, my love."

It should be harder, you imagine, to give in to his whims. The consideration should weigh heavier on your chest, not handed over so easily once his lips find the skin of your neck, and shortly thereafter, your own. Hyunjin's hands smooth up your legs and beneath your dress, laid back against the sofa. He hovers over you with long, black hair that curtains the both of you inside of this moment. Unsure whether or not it is right, or wrong. For him, the answer is a simple one, but suppose these sorts of things are commonplace among men of a royal standing; after all, who exists to cast down judgment upon them?

His touch is electric against your skin, even more so with the first, slow press of himself into you. You gasp at the feeling. Indeed, you have missed this more than even you had known.

Still, you think of Minho.

When Hyunjin takes his leave once more and bids you farewell, new thoughts and feelings run rampant through your mind as you smile and wave down the cobblestone walkway. Perhaps there had been a kind of truth in his words—that this is no way to live forever—but you cannot fathom any other way, either.

Falling into Hyunjin's touch is easy because it is one that is so familiar. The same motions repeated time and time again and to a kind of perfection, however; something is missing, something that you cannot quite put your finger on.

𝕏𝕍.

The weeks continue to draw on, as does the day of Minho's return in November.

Leaves begin to change their colors, falling away from the branches that they once called their home. The flowers litter the ground, browning and dying to spring anew in the following year. It reminds you of your first arrival upon this place, though snow covered the land then. Not yet has it fallen for the first time this season, but soon it shall.

You keep busy, trying to put out of your mind the happenings in his absence. It is of little consequence to you what has happened in Hyunjin's brief visit, and perhaps the worst part of your soul considers it a kind of unearned payback towards a friend who had taken everything you had hoped for from you. It is unfair, not the kind of person you wish to be, and you put the thought to bed just as quickly as it comes to you. You do not expect to see him again, and in kind, you decide to never delve in such foolish and unbecoming behaviors regarding him even in the event that you do.

Written off as closure, there is some semblance of peace therein. 

On the day of Minho's return, the house is alive. The keepers of the manor all rushing around to ensure that everything is precisely as it should be for the moment that he steps inside; it fascinates you to watch them, knowing full well that Minho is not the sort of man to be bothered by the occasional, misplaced item or a spec of dust left upon the mantle. Of course, this is their job, and they take it upon themselves to make sure that it is done to the best of their ability. You wait just inside the foyer as good wives do when his carriage pulls up, and the quick, anxious beating of your heart comes to be a far more unexpected guest than the man of the hour is.

The doors open and he enters. Two other men are with him and aiding with his belongings, a sight that reminds you of Hyunjin's visit, and you are none pleased by that fact. Minho is dressed differently than you are used to seeing him; far more put together, and with a heavy coat sitting atop his shoulders. Hair less unkempt, it makes you wonder if someone had their hand at his appearance before he left to begin his journey.

He greets the staff first, those that arrived with him handing off his things, and then, he turns his sights towards you.

"Welcome home," you say, fighting back the shake of your voice. "Was it a good trip?"

"It was, but long. Too long for my liking," he admits with a smile. "I'm happy to be home, and not looking forward to having to do much of the same next year, but we'll take it as it comes."

The two of you step towards one another, and to your surprise, Minho takes your hand into his.

"How have things been while I've been away? Hopefully not too dull."

His eyes are gentle as he looks at you, and there is a part of you that wonders if he even recalls the events that took place only just before his embarking. If he does, he shows no signs of it; only a captivating adoration for you.

"Things have been fine…good," you say with a nod, eyes forcing themselves away from his own. Your nervousness and secrets catching up to you, making themselves known within the room. "The days passed as they do, I took many trips into the small town down the way, worked on my book…you've not missed much along the way."

You can feel Mai's eyes on you as you tell the half-truth, and for that reason, you continue on. Perhaps a wild assumption that you would be able to keep this large a secret strictly under lock and key.

Squeezing his hand lightly, you smile ever so slightly at him and say, "We should talk, there are some things. It would be best that way, once you're settled in."

"Of course, I only need a short while. A rinse off and a change of clothes from being cooped up in travel for so long, and then I'm all yours."

Pulling his hand away to attend to his things, you wish deeply to hold on tight—afraid that this may be the last time Minho ever offers you such a genuine, cherished moment.

Later into the afternoon, the changing colors of the sky can be seen through the windows. Hues of blues, purples and oranges that decorate it so beautifully, informing all of those who can see it that the sun is soon to take its rest along the horizon.

You stand in the kitchen, a bowl of fruits sitting before you. Apples, cranberries and persimmons give off their assortment of shades to choose from when Minho quietly makes his way inside.

Eyes meet, and smiles follow after.

Minho's hair is damp from water, strewn about his head and face, entirely uncared for in appearance. He is back in his usual attire; pants with paint stains that not even Mai has managed to defeat, but that function perfectly well as far as he is concerned, you reckon.

Leaning against the counter beside you, he pops a cranberry into his mouth and then cocks his head to the side inquisitively. "You wanted to speak to me?"

Moments like this make it so much harder. You'd not wanted to disclose this to him in any case, but have since decided it better to do so. The guilt weighs so heavily on your chest—has ever since the day—and you wonder if it is selfish to put that onto a man who does not need to carry the burden. Minho is your husband, yes, but in title and legality alone. He has given you permission to carry on as you please, explicit permission to take a lover if that is what you so wish to do; so why is it that having done so feels so regrettable?

This is not a situation that you have ever found yourself to be in before, and thus, you do not know how best to navigate it. You are not one to mince words, however, and so you make the choice to simply come out with it.

"While you were away, Hyunjin was here."

Minho's chewing slows, all softness in his face melting away once the words finally come together as something that he understands the meanings of. "Here? He came here?"

"Yes, to see me."

"He came here…to see you…" Minho says slowly, thoughtfully. "If he knew to come here, then surely he must know that you've been married." He pauses briefly, thinks it through just a bit more before continuing. "As has he."

You nod affirmatively and then say, "Yes, all of this is true. He wanted to see me…I think…there was something of unfinished business between the two of us, as you know with the way that things turned out. It was a brief encounter, he was not here long. I do not think we will meet again in the future."

Minho looks at you tentatively, and you can nearly see all of the questions that beg to be asked swimming around behind his eyes. Surely, he fights back the urge to do so with all of his might for your sake alone, and instead chooses to stomach the brunt of this knowledge by himself, no matter how much discomfort it may bring.

But you do not escape them all.

"You say the encounter was…brief," he starts, though his eyes are unable to meet your own as he presses forward with what he must know. "I have little interest in prying into your personal affairs, I understand what this is—between us—just as well as you do, but I must know; did you—"

"Yes."

Rather than making him say it, you put an end to the entire thing abruptly. Minho blinks through the acceptance of it, a little awe struck, you can tell. He gives two, small nods and then swallows down hard.

"Thank you for telling me," he says. His voice is level, but you can tell as well as anyone else might that it is a facade. Minho turns towards the hallway and says, "If you don't mind, I have work to attend to. Have a good evening."

He does not appear outwardly angry or upset in the ways that you are used to men expressing such emotions, and thus, you are unsure of what to make from all of this. You watch him take two, three steps towards his exit before you rush around the corner of the marble counter and towards him. A hand reaches out towards his arm, but you do not dare make contact—unsure of what may happen if you do. Minho does not scare you, nor has he ever shown aggression, or violence towards you, but you must at all costs aim to protect yourself in such precarious circumstances.

The movement must catch his attention and he stills in place, seemingly waiting for you to reach him. Minho turns to look at you from over his shoulder, unwilling to fully give himself to your insistence of such.

Your chest feels impossibly tight, the struggling burn of discomfort creeping up and into your throat. Are these tears that threaten you? Why, you wonder. You care for him, yes, but there is little between you, and in most recent times not much more than some sort of contention. What is there to care for? And more than that, when has this man ever bothered to express as much towards you?

Still, you press forward. "Are you upset with me? It was thoughtless, but you have said before that I am able to do such things. Don't punish me for the allowances that you have offered!"

"Punish you?" Minho says, tone questioning. "I have no interest in punishing you for anything that you have done in my absence. Your personal matters are your own. If you wish to sleep with the prince then who am I to tell you not to."

"I do not wish to sleep with the prince! I wish to sleep with—"

It comes out faster than you have the chance to pull it back. Dripping with pure emotion and absolutely unbridled truth, you manage to cut it off at the tail end, though you fear that the damage has been done. The heat of humiliation curls up your spine, you take a step back and away from the man in front of you.

Too much silence creeps up between the two of your bodies, and Minho offers nothing to you in the immediate aftermath of the words. Wordlessly, you beg him to say something—anything—to cut through it, even if it is condemnation that sits at the tip of his tongue.

Much to your surprise, however, Minho turns back to face away from you fully with something of an awkward shift to his stature. He does not look at you, but the more that he chooses not to, the less you believe it to be a sign of displeasure and more so one born from a kind of strange unsureness of how to move forward, where to go with this from here.

He clears his throat loudly, one by one cracking the knuckles in his fingers as if to fill in the empty space between your bodies. Finally, he says, "Perhaps we simply move on from this, as if nothing ever happened. In any case, I'll be in the atrium, should you need to find me."

A curious thing to say from the man, one that has you reeling in shock upon hearing it. 

"Is that…an invitation?"

And to that, Minho sighs aloud.

"Must you make me speak everything into existence? Surely you've noticed I lack the capabilities for these sorts of things."

It's not perfect, but you'd not expected to leave this particular discussion with a smile pulling at your lips.

𝕏𝕍𝕀.

The atrium smells of cinnamon, paint thinner, and alcohol.

Rum, in particular. You're not able to make out its particular scent until you're much closer to the man that it emanates off of, pungent and impossible to ignore. You try to recall any other time that you've been aware of Minho's drinking, but you cannot.

Tonight must be a special night for him to be partaking.

There's a soft spot in the wooden paneling of the floor, and it creaks beneath your weight. This is enough to finally alert Minho of your arrival to this place, having not noticed you before. He glances at you from over his shoulder—not unlike the hours before—and then carries on with the mixture of colors that have already been dabbed onto the bristles of his brush.

"You came," he says.

"You drink."

Minho sighs at your response. "You know this, we have shared wine at the dinner table before."

"Yes, but not like this."

Hunched over and knelt onto the floor, Minho ignores this and instead continues painting. You opt out of pressing any further on the matter and instead, bring yourself to his side in order to see what it is that he is working on.

The canvas is wide rather than tall, with hues of blue, white and green masterfully splashed across the majority of it. The beauty of the ocean and the waves that live within it perfectly captured in time by his hand—a small ship depicted amidst it all.

"I spent some time by the harbor on this trip, and spent a good deal of my time there thinking about how my life might be if I ceased to exist here, the way that I have been, the way that I do."

You look down at him, but he does not look up. He continues with his work.

"The truth of the matter, is that there isn't much keeping me here, is there? Not much would change. I could be anywhere in the world doing this. No reason it must be here."

"Is that why you painted this? Your wish to escape it all?" you ask.

Minho stops his strokes, then drops his paintbrush into the muddied mixture of water just beside him. He stands to his feet—albeit wobbly—and stares down at the piece of artwork as if it's something not crafted from himself. A strange existence that has somehow found its way into his home, into his thoughts, but not of his own doing.

"I'm not sure that I even wish for it," he says. "I'm unsure of a lot of things. I make decisions largely because they are expected of me, because I see what everyone else does, and so I emulate it. It's easy to assimilate like this, I don't have to think about it all that much."

"Like taking a wife."

Minho looks away from the painting then and over towards you. You meet his eyes, but feel a sense of nervousness under the intensity that sits behind them tonight. 

"It has always been difficult for me to set my anxieties aside without the aid of warmth that the bottle brings. I don't partake often, I know it's unhealthy, so I keep to myself and suffer alone." Minho's hand reaches towards yours, and while you're happy to allow him to take it, that is not all that he does. Quickly you feel the gentle tug of his strength, inching you closer to him. His warm, soft palm tracing up the outside of your arm until it disappears behind your back to rest there. Now the scent of alcohol is strong on his breath, but you cannot find it within yourself to care when proximity is so tightly held between you.

Minho's finger traces down the middle of your back, an action that sends chills up the very same place. You fight back the shudder that threatens to shake you while in his grasp, and your own hands find their placement at the front of his broad, firm chest.

The alcohol indeed must be making him brave, lowering his inhibitions and the torrent of thoughts that otherwise might bar him from ever attempting this. For that, you are thankful. You glance at his lips, then up at eyes that are already watching you. Minho's thoughts and feelings are nearly indiscernible on his face; still thinking, thinking, thinking, no doubt.

He leans in towards you, so short and small that you nearly miss it entirely if not for how rapt with attention to him you are. A tentative gesture to test the waters, to see if you will pull away.

But you will not.

And so, he presses forward again, slowly still, as if to give you ample time to escape him. You couldn't imagine yourself a world where you might; heart beating hard and fast within your chest in anticipation of this, fingers gripping tightly into the fabric of his shirt with each passing second between the two of you. Truthfully, you have been wanting this, for so, so long. Longer than you could ever fathom to allow him to know, the kind of dull, anticipatory, hopeful desire that rests dormant often, but never completely able to be ignored.

It's hard to pinpoint the moment in which Minho became more than just a concept of a husband in your mind, muddied even more once his lips finally find your own. Careful and warm, he kisses you like he's afraid to break you, but the hand gripping at the small of your back tells a different story; one of forced back desire, of bitten back need. It presses your body more firmly against his, it informs far more than his words will allow for now. 

When you do not create space, the kiss becomes heavier too. Testing, unsure lips that at first only ghost against your own then expose their want for you in the careful turn of his head and ever so slight nips of teeth at the bottom of your lip. Harder, faster with every moment that passes in the atrium; you forget to breathe and gasp into his mouth, Minho finally relents in tasting you so ravenously.

Physical desire is nothing new to you, but never have you experienced it quite like this.

Minho's free hand comes up to cup your face, thumb grazing lightly against the skin of your cheek as he looks at you. Both just slightly out of breath, you can't fathom how wrecked you appear just from a kiss.

His lips part as if to speak, and then close shortly thereafter. Once again; thinking, thinking, thinking. The alcohol is incapable of disposing of it all. Then, they part again, and Minho pushes forward with the words that fail him so frequently.

"Do you still love the prince?"

The least that you can do is answer his question honestly.

"I don't know."

And though it may not be the ideal reply, Minho still appears pleased by it. Everything that you have learned about him since your arrival here points to the very same conclusion, because he smiles ever so slightly, and gives a small nod in acceptance.

𝕏𝕍𝕀𝕀.

Though not spoken of, the kiss lives on in every interaction shared between the two of you going forward.

You wish deeply for the conversation to come to a head, but by now you know Minho and the way that he functions well enough to know that that will more than likely not be the case. Still, you manage to find solace in this fact; his nervous mannerisms and the barely there catch in his voice when speaking to you on occasion, as if the memory of such has just caught up with him in real time. You smile through these instances, pleased by them in some capacity. Pleased knowing that it is not a thing that has simply come and gone.

The only person that Minho answers to in his life is his agent, and his agent insists on having a holiday party at the estate.

On the day of, it is a week into December. Snow has begun to fall, though not heavily yet. It sprinkles like sugar from the sky, only lightly dusting the windows and grounds. It is a beautiful sight, but you're thankful for not having to be the one traveling within it, and when the guests start arriving, you realize just how grossly unprepared for this volume of guests the home truly is. Not enough coat racks, not enough space for wiping off their shoes. Hats are placed wherever it is that they can go; Mai scuttling about the hallways with her staff in an attempt to make it all work.

To your surprise, Minho makes himself seen. No doubt a push by said agent, but his displeasure at doing so resides heavily within his stature.

First laying eyes on him is a sight to behold. His hair is more put together, set into place purposefully. He wears all black, but the front panel of his coat is garnished with the sparkle and shine of dark jewels that bring it to life. It's a little unlike him, you have to admit, but Minho wears it well.

Quickly, you finish up a conversation with people that your husband barely knows, that you have barely been partaking in, and go to him. He, too, is amidst something of the same, though handling it far less gracefully than you have.

You put on your widest smile, and curl your arm firmly around his own from the side.

"My sincerest apologies," you start, tone dripping with a sweet edge, "I'm afraid I must take my husband from you, if only for a brief moment."

The man smiles and nods happily, understanding of whatever situation it is that you've made up in your head in order to rescue Minho. It's late into the evening and you've not been keeping a watchful eye, but the smell on his breath of alcohol is one that you're quite familiar with, and disappearing into the halls towards less-traveled passages, you can't help but wonder what this instance has in store.

Minho drags along, but doesn't say a word. He stumbles slightly once, you try not to ascribe it to his drunkenness unfairly. You have just the place in mind, and once you reach the old, empty study at the far, opposite end of the hall, you push Minho inside lightly, and then close the door behind.

"Are you rescuing the damsel?" Minho asks, cheeky and with a smile. "Was it that obvious?"

"Only to someone with the eyes to see it," you reply. "I know that you don't enjoy these sorts of busy situations."

"One might say I hate it, in fact." Minho steps towards you, and you take a step back. Only there is nowhere left for you to go, and your back is up against the door from which you came. "Indeed, I much prefer quieter moments of peace, just between myself and another…"

His hand finds the outside of your thigh, only the thick layers of your dress between skin. He closes the space further, as much as he can, until his body is pressed tightly against your own. You've been holding your breath—for how long? you wonder. A sharp inhale takes you, though it's ragged and shudders at the feeling of being with him like this. Everything that Minho offers you feels white hot, regardless of the clothes that keep you separated, and when his mouth finds the line of your jaw, you cannot help but melt into the touch.

You ache for him. A dull throb that makes itself known, impossible to ignore. His other hand snakes around your waist to pull you closer—as if closer is physically possible. You could beg for him to touch you elsewhere, drunk with want not unlike his own intoxication.

"I don't care if you love another man," he says suddenly, and seemingly out of nowhere. The abrupt mention of Hyunjin sends something of a cold chill to your otherwise hot skin. "I'm happy that you're here, I love having you here…" His lips are still lightly mouthing against the flesh of your jaw, voice low, nearly a whisper. "I love…you. Even in the event that you love another, that is of no consequence to me. Not really."

Desire has waned, flushed away quickly as if it had never even been there. You gently push Minho away so that you can look him in the eyes, but all that you find is the slightly drunken, but incredibly sincere glean looking back at you.

"You're drunk," you say, rejecting his advances for this to go any further. Now is not the time. "You always say and do such things when you're intoxicated."

"Do you assume me to be more intoxicated than I am so that you don't have to acknowledge the words?"

You don't respond to this immediately. Minho does not deserve to be told a lie, and thus, you say nothing.

He continues on. "In the atrium that night, you assumed that I was making poor choices, outside of the realm of my own logic? Things that I would never do just because of the drink? And then now, you think the same? Do you truly believe that, or is it easier than the words? Because no one understands that feeling better than I do."

"Is that why you drink, then? To say and do all of the things that you can't do when you're sober?" You scoff lightly. "You can't drink through every step of your life."

"I don't, I won't," Minho says firmly. "Think of it more…as a coincidence."

Stepping towards you once more, Minho closes in on you all over again. His lips mere inches away from your own as he gazes down at you.

Then, the door opens from behind you, and he pulls it open to fashion himself an exit.

"If you don't believe me, then you're more than welcome to nurse my hangover in the morning hours, since you'll be awake!" he says loudly, far too cheerfully for everything that's gone on. 

You smile at him, and hate that you do. This annoying, eccentric, strange man that has buried himself so deeply beneath your skin. An unshakable, ineffable and unquantifiable shine to his mere existence.

Minho disappears back down the hall and towards the guests that await him, nearly skipping as he does so. You watch from the doorframe, make an effort to steady the quick beating of your heart, and replay the words over and over again in your mind; unremittingly.

"Good morning, darling."

Bent over the kitchen counter, chin perched up against your palm, you cock your head and smile at Minho as he slowly, carefully enters the shared space. Eyes narrow, like any light pains his entire being.

"Shall we take you for your bath, then?" you add, walking towards him and circling your arm around his.

A light steam rises from the water as Minho's sore body sinks into it. You reenter just moments later with a set of clothing in hand, and sit yourself just beside the porcelain tub to aid him in his recovery.

"You shouldn't drink so much," you say, obviously.

"I know," he admits through a groan. "Every time I do this, I say it'll be the last. Then another social event comes up."

"There was no such social event in the atrium that evening."

"Sure there was, you were there."

Silence falls between the two of you in the following moments, and you watch as Minho closes his eyes, sinks his body deeper into the water to the point that only his head sticks out from the top. You take it upon yourself to lightly remove strands of hair stuck to the dampness of his forehead, and then, Minho inhales with intent to speak.

"I apologize for last night, as well as for the evening in the atrium. I apologize for…parts of them, but not everything." He pauses, eyes still closed, but forces himself to continue on. "The truth is: I do not care about your history with the prince, no matter how recent it has been. I understand there is a complexity there that I may never be able to grasp, nor do I think it necessary for me to do so. What is necessary of me—as your husband—is to be kind, understanding, and perhaps if there could be space for it; loving."

You still completely, allowing the words to wash over you and sink deeply into every crevice of your being.

He speaks again. "Suppose what I had hoped for; some starry-eyed, hopeless romantic sort of expectation in all of this that was left unspoken, is that regardless of your feelings for him, your history with him, that you might still find space in your heart to someday love me too."

An immediate reply escapes you, and you lose sight of just how tortuous such a wait can be until Minho cracks one, single eye open and peers at you cautiously through it.

"Please, say something. Put me out of my misery, if you must," he says.

Your senses come back to you quickly, shaking your head in the negative. "No! No, Minho…have you truly not noticed? Let us not forget who it was that insisted upon the two of us becoming more than strangers who share a home together…"

"Living with strangers is, well, strange. You could have meant anything by that."

You try not to roll your eyes, but fail. Instead of pressing further on this particular endeavor, you decide to revisit the original one, as brought forward by him. The entire thing remains fascinating to you—the density of his capability to understand things that come to you with such ease.

"I probably can," you say, acknowledging his hope for the openness of your heart. "I probably do."

Minho closes his eyes again, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. The tension that collected at his shoulders amidst all of this falling away like weights strapped to him. You are calmed watching him unravel before you.

"Let us share an evening meal tonight, something special. Think about all of the things that you wish to say to me in earnest, and I will do the same," you offer quietly.

"I would like that."

𝕏𝕍𝕀𝕀𝕀.

Minho enters just as the large, antique clock begins to sing its tune of nine in the evening.

Candle light flickers against the walls of the dining room and illuminates the table where all of the dishes that Mai has hand crafted herself sit. A beautiful display, though hardly what you're taking an interest in tonight.

He takes his seat across from you, clears his throat gently, and averts his eyes as much as he can until it seemingly dawns on him that he cannot do so for much longer. Reluctantly, Minho looks at you, and though his appearance is not unlike his usual self, something new makes itself apparent within him.

Mai comes over and pours your glass of wine, then makes her way around the table towards his. However, Minho does not accept the gesture. Watching you the entire time.

"You're not having wine with your meal?" you ask.

"No, I've decided to come off it, at least for a time."

"For a time?"

"This time."

Surprisingly confident and almost sinister sounding, Minho no longer makes an effort to avert his eyes from you and as a result, the weight of them rests heavily on your form. There is a sort of humor to this, you find, desiring nothing more than for him to see you for so long and now feeling as though you should shrink away from beneath his gaze. Why is he looking at you in such a way? Why is it that you feel like prey?

You steady your nerves and smile. "Well, there will be other times."

"Do you wish to remain married to me?"

Your attention pulls towards him quickly and with a confused earnestness. "What? Why are you asking me such a thing?"

Minho leans forward against the table. "We agreed to have this meal together and discuss such things. I think…I have not done much to aid in the ease of your comfort here. I think we have grown a lot together, maybe even enjoy our time shared. Perhaps it is time that we decide on just how much of a married life we wish to have with one another. Thus, do you wish to remain married to me?"

"Is there really an alternative?" you question, somewhat humorously. "Of course, marriages have ended before but we hardly meet the sorts of societal requirements for such a thing."

"You have not answered my question," he insists.

You press your palms abruptly to the table, fed up by his ridiculous pushing on the matter.

"Yes! I wish to remain married to you! My goodness; we've shared meals together, our thoughts and dreams and hopes for the future together, intimacy together! As if I've not made it clear where I stand on the matter while I drag you along through all of this kicking and screaming the whole way…you don't exactly make it easy on a woman!"

"So you are happy."

"Yes!" you quickly bite back.

"Content."

"Yes, Minho!"

"But you want more," he continues on, the rapid fire back and forth between you now mounting the anticipation of where this is meant to go.

"Of course I do!"

"You desire more of me."

"Yes!" you reply, exasperated by the questioning but barely even having a moment to register what's been laid out before you. The affirmation slips out from your lips unwillingly, but it's too late to bring it back. Instead, you watch Minho's eyes narrow mischievously as a result of the grin that tugs at his lips. He must be pleased with himself.

"We should eat." Hardly convincing when you say it. Still, you pick up your utensil. "The food will get cold."

"We can eat any time," Minho says, still playfully persistent. "Is there anything that you wish to ask of me?"

"Yes! What has gotten into you?"

"You, us; the concept of it, the possibility of it." Minho pushes his chair back then and stands, makes his way around the table and towards you. He takes your hand gently, timidly, and pulls you up towards him. Protest dies in your throat before you have the chance to make it heard, because his hand slips around your back and as a result, your body rests flush against his. "Admittedly, I am slow on the uptake of such things. My thoughts get the best of me, second guessing every interaction, every word…" He trails off, the hand at your back slipping to settle at your waist, and then it tightens. "Every touch."

Minho's face dips over to the side of yours, lips edging at the shell of your ear and then he whispers against it, "But you say you want more of me, more that I've not yet given. More that I can give."

Your head swims, warm breath tickling your skin in such an enticing way. Minho's grip against you does not relent, nor do you want it to. You've quietly yearned for what appears to be now presented before you; his touch, and in ways, so much more than that.

"I've still not seen where you sleep," you say quietly, pointedly. "Only ever the atrium."

"Some husband I am, making my darling wife wait so long for such a thing." Minho's hand then slowly falls from your waist down to your hip, then further more to your thigh. His palm settles atop the front for a short moment before he then continues the journey between them, bunching the fabric of your skirt where his fingers rest. "I've not been doing my due diligence, have I?"

Knees nearly buckling at the touch, you clutch onto him by the shoulders, breath hitching as you attempt to answer him. "No, you certainly have not."

This is your best attempt at maintaining composure, but truthfully, you stand in his grasp, disoriented with want for him. Minho's lips graze your jaw, teeth bared within a smile. He says, "Allow me to make it up to you, then."

The large, ornate door to his bedroom closes, and with no more time to waste, Minho's hands begin to artfully search for the flesh of your body.

His lips hurriedly find yours, as if the only thing he ever wishes to taste is within them. Fingers adeptly unfastening the buttons and clasps of your dress while you, in turn, do much of the same at those that hold the fabric of his shirt in place. The race is won by you, and your mouths part only long enough to remove the hindrance from his body—but he follows just after—and your garment falls away, exposed to the ambient chill of the room, though not for long.

Minho leads you with a gentle urgency back towards his bed. There's a haste behind his motions that alludes to a dormant kind of desire that has been held inside of him for far longer than you have been aware of, not at all unlike yourself. As your back finds the mattress, Minho follows you over it; mouth only leaving your skin for the briefest of seconds before finding it once again.

Your legs fall apart to fit his body between them, and his hand slips beneath your last remaining undergarment soon after. Deft fingers that glide between your folds, ample pressure that has you gasping into his mouth for him to drink down and arching your back up to meet the firmness of his chest. Minho smiles against your lips as you do so, slowly and methodically unraveling you for his own viewing pleasure.

He pulls back, slinks down the length of your body and trailing his lips along the way. Warm, wetness circles at your chest before he continues further down.

Hands grip firmly into the plush flesh of your thighs, prying them apart for him just that much more. You glance down, but cannot stand to look at the sight of him; his face mere inches away from just the place that you wish for him to touch again. Minho does not leave you wanting, perhaps he cannot bear to do so, and his tongue finds you, mouth pressed flush against your own lips. The gasp that escapes from you is horrid, far too telling of how much you've been wanting to have him like this. 

Minho pulls off of you, but his dominant hand finds the place he has only just left instead. The wetness pooling is nearly humiliating if not for the comfort that you feel in his presence, and his fingers delicately trickle downward further, carefully driving into you. He watches your face as he takes you apart just that much more, but you do not have the sensibilities to muster up much for words.

"Do you like this?" he asks, the first words spoken since entering the room. The press of his fingers against you is slow, rhythmic, testing. Before you find it within yourself to respond, his mouth reattaches to the place just above where his hand works you open.

Yes falls away from you, though you're not sure how you've managed it. It appears to please him, however, and he continues on with a newly found enthusiasm. He pushes deeper, and a moan escapes you with every drive. A sheen of sweat collects atop your skin, strands of hair matted against you, fingers curling tightly into the sheets beneath your grasp.

Your skin prickles, warmth spreading across your body and muscles stiffening as he continues on. Breaths to take in become shorter and faster, the grind of your hips against the way that he works your body less and less within your conscious control. You slip a hand down between your legs, gently carding fingers through soft, black hair. His fingers curl inside of you, and as a result of it, so do yours atop his head. A whimper slips out from between your lips, and following immediately after, come the desperate pleads for him not to stop.

And he has no intention of doing so. Minho does not stop until your pleasure peaks and ravages your body within his hold. You shake and cry out; wounded gasps and moans that avalanche from you thoughtlessly, the only thing that you can manage through this feeling. Once satisfied, he slows to bring you back down gently, and once delicately seated, he removes himself from you and the bed entirely to finish the act of disrobing.

Chest heaving with exhausted breaths, you nearly miss his doing so, only alerted to the fact once the bed dips again, signifying his return to you. Minho crawls between your legs and up the length of your body just as he did the first time; kisses your chest, your neck, your jaw, only to then settle atop your lips. Teeth faintly find the bottom of your lip, already well and truly bitten raw from your own abuse. Still, you reach up to feel the warmth of his skin under your hands and revel in the way that his body feels against your own. Though release has found you once this evening, you are not truly satiated by him yet.

Minho's hand slips down between both of your bodies to hold himself in place. You feel him against you; wet and solid, enticing and teasing. You move almost involuntarily against him, hopeful to receive what it is that you desire from him now, but he is unwilling to relent to your neediness just yet.

You gasp lightly against his mouth, and Minho happily accepts it into his own, delighted by the way you come apart beneath him.

"Have you thought about it before?" he asks, a coy whisper shared only between lovers. A question that does not require further expansion, for you know precisely what it is that is being referred to.

"So many times," you reply.

At that, Minho begins the slow, precise drive of himself inside of you once more. "Apologies for keeping you waiting then."

He sinks into you, body accepting him with ease. Minho's mouth hangs slightly ajar as he does so, taken by the feeling, and settles momentarily once his hips meet flush against your own before his hips pull back and he repeats the process once more. The thick drag, hard and strong is dizzying and nearly disorienting to your senses—your fingernails dig into his skin, and for the first time, Minho groans with a sort of primal lust that has the hairs across your skin standing on end, and the fire inside of your abdomen burning just that much hotter than before.

With the ease in which your body accepts him, Minho is able to find a quick and strong rhythm. Harder and faster his hips find your own, the urgency needing this moment for so long finally coming to a head between the both of you. Your whimpers and moans echo off the walls, losing sight of the once prominent thought in your mind that the staff may hear you; instead, you beg and plead for more of him, anything that he is physically capable of giving you—he does.

Body tightening beneath him, you feel once again the familiar promise of release. Your hands glide over hot, damp skin; muscles that flex and move with every drive of himself inside of you. Minho kisses you—a sloppy attempt—but you meet it happily, and his face falls away to the crook of your neck to nip into the skin there. One, strong hand slips down to grip at your thigh, pulls you apart further and wider for him to work your body open with his own. Hard, methodical strokes; one after another, whimpers and whines punched out of you with each. You beg for more, continuously beg as if never satisfied, and Minho continues to give relentlessly to you until his own ability finally falters and gives way; rhythm shifting, failing, wavering. He hisses against your skin, choking out a pained groan, and you find your end just alongside him in bitten back cries and a final, deep sinking of himself within you.

Chests heaving and basking in the afterglow for many, long moments, he does not hurry to separate your bodies, and instead, his lips begin to work at the sensitive skin of your neck once again. You close your eyes to simply enjoy the feeling of this, of him, and hold tightly in your arms the man that has somehow come to be precisely what it is that you have always hoped for someone to become.

"Stay here tonight," he says quietly. "Don't go."

You smile, barely there. Mustering up all of the energy within your bones that you have left to expend and say, "I wouldn't dream of it."

𝕏𝕀𝕏.

The new year brings new cheer, as well as new prospects to the household.

It has been a year since you've been back to the city center, and though covered in snow and the dreadful darkness that winter brings, you feel some semblance of ease having returned.

You remember the days that you spent dreaming of being inside of these very same castle walls, though now that you're here, you can't help but feel as though they glitter less brightly than what it is that you had imagined.

Beside you, Minho stands with a forced and feigned confidence. He glances at you, perhaps having felt your eyes upon him, and offers a nervous smile that does nothing to placate your concern for him. Indeed, not all things change with ease—and some may never—but having the comfort of those who love you shouldering much of the burden instead. 

In arm, he holds a wrapped painting. One that you know well; a small ship atop a vast, brightly colored sea.

You hear the echo of doors opening from behind you, and when you turn, you are familiar with what you see.

Methodical clicks of shoes being the only thing that cuts through the silence, you watch as the prince makes his way towards the two of you—a smile on his face—and most certainly a genuine one. You've never known Hyunjin to be particularly petty, or mean-spirited; and despite all of his shortcomings, he likely does feel softness in his heart for you and the happiness that you have found.

"Your Highness," Minho says with an accompanying bow, but Hyunjin is quick to put a hand up and wave away the gesture.

"I do believe the three of us are well past the need for such things." Looking at you, Hyunjin smiles. "I see things worked out in the end, then?"

With half a mind to question how it is that he knows, you instead chalk it up to a sort of intangible, understood aura that simply exists between lovers; people who are madly, deeply in love with one another. You couldn't fight back the smile if you tried, and so, you don't. Instead, your hand finds Minho's free one, and you nod.

"Yes, indeed they have."

"Splendid news! Perhaps someday I will find myself to be so lucky," Hyunjin says, though there is a particular bite of discontentment in the words that you feel you understand far too well. "Nevertheless, you've brought the painting! I wish I could express in words how eagerly I've been anticipating receiving this piece…ever since it was put up into the auction, I simply knew I had to have it."

"I appreciate your kindness," Minho replies, squeezing your hand lightly. Just another, small offering shared between lovers.

"You will be paid handsomely for this. I am aware of what the asking was but I feel as though it is worth far more, and I'll see to it that you receive precisely that which you are deserving of."

Eyes widening in surprise, Minho glances first at you—but you merely shrug, unmoved by Hyunjin's antics—and instead, he defers to the prince, himself. "Your Highness, that's not—"

"Aht! It is. You creatives truly must value yourself higher, the world moves and exists and revolves around these crafts. Without art, we have nothing. We are nothing."

Hyunjin calls for his housestaff to take the canvas from Minho's grasp, and as they disappear down the hall, the man smiles widely at the two of you as if pleased with himself, with everything that has taken place today.

"Perhaps next in line is getting that book of yours published."

You shake your head, a sort of nervousness striking you that isn't commonplace. "I'm not so sure that's a good idea, you know, there is much of you written inside of those pages."

He waves his hand in the air again, unbothered by the fact. "So be it, I'd rather like being not just a part of history, but a part of art, as well."

"Strange fellow," Minho says, walking beside you through the city streets and long after having bid the prince farewell. "Not sure what it is that you ever saw in him."

The comment is pointedly comedic, and you judge him playfully with your elbow before responding in words. "He's handsome, and royalty. Suppose for a long time I didn't consider there to be much else outside of those things. What else could a man have to offer me?"

"As it would seem, only having one of those things is plenty to suit you," he jokes, slinging an arm up and around your shoulders as the two of you carry on. "You have been taken by my confusing whimsy and cumbersome charms."

"So it would seem," you reply, watching the sprinkle of shimmering snow collect atop a difficult, complicated head of black hair that you have incomprehensibly grown to love.

a/n: thanks for reading and i hope you enjoyed it! no pt. 2, and kind words are always much appreciated ♡

[meanhore]

oh minho, the man you are... my soul's in this type of historical au. i love how the slow burn is really a slow burn, Lord have mercy.

[leeknowlore]

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ where i land.

: ̗̀➛ pairing — volleyball player!hyunjin x reader, university au : ̗̀➛ word count — 19k : ̗̀➛ content — angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, established relationship, MDNI due to very mature themes (smut warnings below the cut), underaged blogs will be blocked, mentions of an injury, grief over identity loss, lots of crying and kisses, they're in love your honour

you’re dating the university’s best right-side hitter—hyunjin, best of the court, all instinct and fire. volleyball is everything to him. has been since before you met. but when an injury cuts his season short, hyunjin’s forced to face something he’s never had to before: a future without the one thing that’s always defined him. now, with his knee and his heart barely holding together, he has to figure out who he is off the court—and what it means to still be worthy of love, purpose, and you.

author's note: i had way too many of these long fics collecting dust in my drafts so i figured… might as well post this one! volleyball is everything to me so this one’s super self indulgent and written straight from the heart 💔🏐 i hope you enjoy it <3

: ̗̀➛ smut warnings: two sex scenes, oral (m. receiving), cw! safeword (used, respected but late; very very mild nonconsensual elements, not glamorized), piv, protected sex, dirty talk

volleyball was everything to hyunjin.

not just a sport. not just a hobby. it was the pulse in his fingertips, the reason he got up in the morning, the way he measured time—not in months, but in seasons. you met him at one of those tournaments, back in high school, when your team had already been knocked out and your friend dragged you to the other gym to “watch the boys play.”

you’d rolled your eyes. “what, like for fun?”

but then you saw him.

and suddenly, it was fun.

you’d never seen a guy move like that before. there was something different in the way he played—like every step was instinct, like he knew where the ball was going to be before it even left the setter’s hands. he played right side, but there was nothing “side” about the way he commanded attention. his hits were vicious. his blocks were surgical. and when he smiled—after a perfect kill that sent the crowd erupting—you felt it all the way in your ribs.

you’d played too, but never like that. never with that fire. you had enjoyed the sport. he loved it.

somehow, he noticed you that day.

maybe it was because you were still in your jersey. maybe because your friend was not-so-subtly pointing at you while whispering. maybe—he’d later tease—it was because you didn’t look impressed, and that irritated him just enough to want to change your mind.

from there, things moved fast—faster than either of you expected. a few exchanged dms turned into late-night facetime calls, which turned into weekend meetups halfway between your schools. it didn’t take long for hyunjin to ask you out officially, nervously gripping the edge of his gym bag like it might shield him from rejection. you’d said yes before he could finish the sentence.

after graduation, the decision was easy. he got a scholarship for volleyball—a full ride, no surprise—and you got accepted into the same university for a program that made your high school guidance counselor say, “you sure about this?” you were. you always had been. smart, focused, maybe a little stubborn—your idea of a challenge was enrolling in the hardest courses they offered, just to see if you could survive.

so there you were. two years into university. him, chasing championships. you, chasing equations, reports, exams you barely had time to breathe through. but somehow, it worked. you studied while he practiced. he came to your presentations in a hoodie and brought you bubble tea after midterms. you helped him stretch when he was sore. he held you when you broke down from stress.

you both had it all sorted out.

the alarm blared at 7:00 am, dragging you out of a dream you barely remembered. you groaned, buried under a mess of tangled blankets and limbs. hyunjin mumbled something incoherent beside you and flopped onto his stomach, arm stretching across your waist, pulling you closer without even opening his eyes.

you lay there a second longer, eyes still shut, nose tucked against the side of his neck. he smelled like laundry detergent and sleep and something warmer underneath—something you’d learned to associate with safety.

“i have weights in forty minutes,” he muttered, voice thick with sleep.

“and i have a chem lecture in thirty,” you mumbled back.

“skip.”

“you skip.”

a pause.

he peeked one eye open. “can’t. game tonight.”

that made you smile. because even now, even half-asleep, his entire face changed at the mention of it. his mouth curved up automatically. his eyes lit up, even through the haze of grogginess.

tonight’s game was big.

hyunjin had been talking about it all week—hell, for the past month. their rivals from the west coast were flying in. undefeated so far, just like his team. he’d been studying footage of their right side like he was prepping for an exam.

“it’s gonna be a bloodbath,” he’d said last night, lying back on the dorm floor, tossing a stress ball in the air while you highlighted your textbook. “in a good way.”

“is there a good way for a bloodbath?” you’d asked without looking up.

“for the winners, yeah.”

he was so ready. sharpest he’d ever been. his vertical had improved, his timing was better, and he’d finally stopped complaining about the weird new brace he had to wear on his ankle. every time you saw him walk out onto the court, you swore he looked taller. like something about it gave him a new center of gravity.

and now? now the alarm was screaming, and still—neither of you moved.

“five more minutes,” you muttered, curling into him.

hyunjin groaned into your hair. “ten.”

“we’re going to be late.”

he exhaled heavily, like the weight of responsibility was something he could blow off with enough dramatic flair. but he didn’t let go. his leg was tangled with yours. his hand slid under the hem of your shirt, just resting there, warm against your skin.

“whenever you sleep over, i can never get up,” you murmured, voice still scratchy with sleep.

your hand found the back of his head, fingers threading through his hair—soft and messy from the pillow, a little damp at the nape from how warm it had gotten under the covers. he sighed, melting a little under your touch, his whole body relaxing like you’d pressed a switch.

hyunjin shifted slightly, his nose brushing your neck as he spoke, voice muffled and boyishly whiny. “well your bed’s comfier than mine.”

you smiled, still playing with his hair. “it’s the same mattress, genius. university-issued.”

“yeah, but yours also smells like vanilla and detergent.” he tilted his head just enough to nuzzle under your chin. “mine smells—not like this.”

you groaned, the alarm still blaring beside you like an obnoxious countdown to responsibility.

“okay, that’s it,” you muttered, reaching out with one arm and slapping the snooze button harder than necessary. silence, blessed and brief, fell over the room.

then you turned back to hyunjin and gave him a shove. “up. seriously. we’re gonna be late.”

he grunted dramatically, refusing to budge. “just a few more—”

“no,” you said, already halfway untangling yourself from the sheets. “we're not doing this again, hwang hyunjin.”

but before you could escape, he hooked an arm around your waist and pulled you back in with one quick tug, your back flush to his chest.

“hyun—!”

he was already on the attack, pressing quick, fluttery kisses against your cheek. “you’re so mean to me in the mornings,” he whined between kisses.

you squealed, squirming as his lips trailed toward your jaw, tickling your skin with every dramatic pout he planted there. “hyune—stop, i’m gonna be late—!”

“you say that every time,” he said, voice smug now, lips brushing just under your ear. “and you’re always exactly on time.”

you were laughing now, full and unfiltered, even as you tried to wriggle free. “that’s because i sprint across campus!”

“good cardio,” he said, kissing the corner of your mouth like punctuation. “you’re welcome.”

you turned your head just enough to meet his eyes, grinning as you pushed at his chest.

“dick,” you whispered under your breath, eyes narrowed but your mouth twitching with a smile.

his jaw dropped. “me?”

you shook your head, biting back another laugh as you swung your legs over the side of the bed and stood up, stretching with a small groan before grabbing the t-shirt draped over your desk chair. you tugged it down over your sleep shorts and ran a hand through your hair, catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror.

“i swear,” you muttered, turning toward the door, “when i come back, you better be gone.”

hyunjin was already spreading himself out dramatically across your bed, arms tucked behind his head, hair fanned out against your pillow like he lived there. he rolled his eyes with the laziest grin.

“yeah, yeah. kick me out of my own second home, why don’t you.”

you chuckled, shaking your head as you opened the door. “i’ll see you tonight.”

“six p.m.,” he said immediately, eyes flicking toward you like he’d already counted the hours in his head. “stadium.”

you nodded, one hand still on the knob. “wouldn’t miss it.”

a pause, just long enough to make the next part soft.

“love you,” you said.

hyunjin didn’t even hesitate. “love you too.”

you smiled, small and real, before pulling the door shut behind you.

the hallway was already buzzing—dorm doors cracking open, slippers shuffling against linoleum, the distant hiss of a kettle in someone’s shared kitchen. you padded down toward the shared bathroom, toothbrush in hand, weaving past two girls arguing over whose towel was dripping onto the floor.

the mirror was still a little foggy from someone’s shower, but you wiped a stripe clear with your palm and leaned in.

you knew today would be a good day.

it always was when it started with him.

the sky had started to dip into that golden haze that only showed up right before sunset, warm and honey-colored, stretching long shadows across campus as you and your friends made your way toward the stadium.

you were ready, as always.

university tee half-tucked into your jeans, a hoodie tied around your waist just in case it got cold later, and two neat stripes of your school’s colors painted on your cheeks. your friends had done them for you in the dorm bathroom twenty minutes ago, giggling the whole time and arguing over whether the stripes should be angled or horizontal.

they settled on angled—“for spice,” someone said.

now, the group of you walked in a loose formation down the path that led toward the stadium, sneakers scuffing pavement, laughter bouncing off the brick walls of nearby buildings.

hyunjin had texted you an hour ago: you better be loud.

you chuckled to yourself, tucking your phone back into your pocket as your friends kept chatting, loud in that way they always were before a big game.

“i can’t believe the season’s only just started and we’re already undefeated,” one of them said, adjusting her hair in a compact mirror before snapping it shut. “like, they’re actually insane this year.”

“did you see the last match? they crushed them. that one guy on the other team literally fell over trying to block hyunjin.”

you bit back a smile. “he just… misjudged the angle.”

“mmhmm,” another friend teased, bumping her shoulder against yours. “downplaying your man like he doesn’t hit like a cannon.”

you rolled your eyes, cheeks warming just a bit under the paint. “i’m just saying. he doesn’t try to humiliate people.”

“sure, but he still does,” someone laughed. “he’s too good. honestly, the whole team is stacked this year. if they keep this up, they’re gonna make playoffs easy.”

“maybe,” another added cautiously, “but tonight’s gonna be rough. the other team’s no joke.”

you glanced over as she pulled up a screenshot from their athletics page, stats already loaded. “their outside hits like a monster, and their libero—what’s his name again?”

“bang chan.”

everyone groaned in unison.

“that guy’s insane,” someone muttered. “like, literally everywhere at once. how does someone cover that much court?”

“i know,” your friend said, squinting at the screen. “his defense is gonna be annoying as hell. they’re never letting the ball drop.”

“but hyunjin’s a smart hitter,” one of your friends chimed in, shifting her tote bag higher up her shoulder.

“he’s been studying chan for weeks,” you said, a little proud, a little breathless just thinking about it. “like, frame-by-frame footage. movement patterns, positioning, even how he transitions between zones.”

“god,” someone groaned, “that sounds exhausting.”

you shrugged. “not to him. he actually gets excited about it.”

“of course he does,” another one laughed. “i swear hyunjin would analyze a toddler’s footwork if it helped him.”

“we shouldn’t even be worried,” one of them said, pushing open the stadium door as the music grew louder, brighter. “this is our court. we got this.”

you stepped into the arena, and the atmosphere hit you all at once—bright lights, echoing shoes squeaking across the court, the rhythmic thud of volleyballs being peppered back and forth. the crowd was already buzzing, rows of students and alumni piling in, decked out in school colors and face paint, waving foam fingers and handmade signs.

your eyes found him almost instantly.

he was across the court in his warmup jersey, sleeves pushed up, hair tied back loosely. he looked focused but relaxed, like his entire body was vibrating with anticipation. his approach was clean even during warm-ups, like he didn’t know how to give less than everything. you watched him leap—effortless, practiced, beautiful—and send the ball flying just inside the corner line.

you smiled, already feeling your chest tighten.

“seats there!” one of your friends pointed, already heading toward a row just off center court, a perfect view of hyunjin’s side.

you all squeezed in, tossing bags under the bench and adjusting your hoodies as you settled. 

hyunjin was locked in.

even from the stands, you could see it—that razor-sharp concentration that settled over him like armor. he moved with precision, muscles coiled and ready, every jump timed to the millisecond, every swing calculated. he jogged to the sideline to grab a water bottle, tilting his head back for a quick sip. his coach leaned in, already pointing toward a clipboard, going over rotation tweaks. hyunjin nodded, jaw tight, eyes flicking between the notes and the court.

then, just for a second—his gaze lifted.

he scanned the crowd like he was looking for something he already knew would be there.

and when he found you, his lips curved, small but unmistakable. the kind of smile meant for one person only. quick, careful, just enough to say hi.

your heart did a little flip.

you raised your hand in a tiny wave, fingers wiggling, trying not to grin too hard.

he held your gaze for just a beat longer, then dropped his eyes back to the clipboard, nodding again as his coach spoke.

“gag, you two are so gross.” your friend beside you muttered.

you rolled your eyes, leaning on her dramatically. “shut up.”

the other team began filing in from the opposite tunnel.

their uniforms were sleek, crisp white and navy. they looked good—annoyingly good. confident. sharp. a few of them glanced toward your team’s side of the court as if sizing them up before the first whistle.

your heart was racing.

it wasn’t nerves—not exactly. more like adrenaline, like your body already knew something big was coming and was bracing for it. you crossed your arms loosely over your chest, trying to play it cool, but your knee bounced under your seat.

on the court, the other team began their warm-up routine.

clean, practiced, ruthless.

their libero—bang chan—moved like he was born there, gliding from one end of the court to the other, dropping into receive like it cost him nothing. the way he read every toss, every angle, every fake-out—it was unreal. you watched him dive for a pancake save that should’ve been impossible, only to bounce back up like it hadn’t even winded him.

their outside’s swing was vicious. quick wrist, sharp cross. every hit landed with a smack loud enough to echo through the gym.

your friends went quiet. no more teasing.

“okay… they’re kind of terrifying,” someone finally whispered.

you didn’t answer. you couldn’t. not with how your chest had gone tight.

across the court, your team was finishing their own lines of warm-ups—hyunjin among them, focused, shoulders rolled back with that quiet confidence he always carried on game days. but even so, you could see it in the way his brows furrowed for just a second after the opposing outside hit another brutal cross.

he saw it too.

the competition was real.

ten minutes later, the buzzer rang. the music cut.

a few quick announcements echoed through the gym—rosters, school chants, the referee’s name, the starting rotations—but it all blurred in the noise, the kind that made your chest vibrate from the inside out.

then the whistle blew for real.

first serve: one of your team’s middles. he bounced the ball twice, exhaled, and sent it clean over the net.

the other team received it smoothly, the pass was perfect. set. attack. your team scrambled into defense. a diving dig from the back row saved it just in time.

quick set on your side. middle hits—blocked, but avoids it.

the rally built fast, back and forth, clean hits and sharper recoveries. you were already on the edge of your seat, watching the ball blur between teams like it had a mind of its own.

and then—finally.

another pass. another set. this one floated just high enough, just fast enough.

hyunjin’s.

he was already moving, feet thudding against the court in three quick steps, arms swinging back. you knew that approach—the precise angles of it, the sheer snap in his body as he launched into the air.

once he hit it, the ball shot across the net, slicing through space and aiming dead for the back corner, right where he mastered it.

“mine!” someone from the other team yelled—too late.

the ball hit the floor with a smack so loud it echoed in tangible vibrations.

the stadium exploded.

cheers erupted around you—students jumping to their feet, fists thrown into the air, stomping and shouting. the first point was yours.

you and your friends jumped up instantly, yelling over the chaos.

“let’s go!” one of them screamed, cupping her hands around her mouth..

you clapped hard, heart pounding, adrenaline syncing with the rhythm of the chants echoing through the stadium.

then the next serve from your team came—and the other team answered.

quick pass, faster tempo. a sharp hit split the seam between your blockers. the ball slammed into the floor with just as much force, just as much precision.

point: theirs.

a collective groan rippled through your side of the gym, but no one sat down.

and your team didn’t back down.

the pace picked up fast, every point earned with blood and sweat. it was a tug-of-war. one point for you, one point for them. hyunjin hit clean again. bang chan dug it up like it was nothing. then another rally—your setter faked to the middle, backset to hyunjin again, and he threaded the ball through hands that never even touched it.

then they answered with a kill off the block.

it was a beautiful game.

terrifying game.

every serve, every swing, every dive left you holding your breath. you could feel the pressure mounting with every passing minute, the margin for error shrinking. both teams were reading each other too well.

before you knew it…

your server missed. an ace from the other side. another tight roll shot that just barely dropped over the net. and all of the sudden—

they were pulling ahead. by four. and not fluke points—smart ones. high digs. strategic hits. they were pulling ahead with control, and you could see the frustration start to creep into your team’s side like a slow leak. a few mistimed passes. a block that wasn’t there fast enough. a shake of someone’s head. it was all piling.

your friends tried to keep the energy up—clapping, chanting, yelling encouragement—but you could feel it. the shift.

and suddenly to you, it wasn’t just about the game anymore.

it wasn’t about the scoreboard or the rally count.

it was about him.

when hyunjin played well—really well—it was electric. he’d leave the court flushed and buzzing, body thrumming with victory, adrenaline humming through every cell. he’d throw his arms around you in the hallway after and talk a mile a minute about everything—the timing, the blocks, the play he almost fumbled but didn’t. he’d be unstoppable.

and sometimes—more than once—those were the nights you’d end up in his dorm room, down on your knees before he even got his jersey off, just because you were both so high on the win it didn’t make sense to stop. you loved seeing him like that. weightless.

when he lost, you also knew him. sometimes, sure, he’d shake it off. crack jokes in the locker room, say stuff like we’ll get them next time, tug you close and act like nothing had ever gone wrong.

but other times…other times it hit him like a brick wall. you’d seen it. after certain games, he’d shut down completely. he wouldn’t want to talk. wouldn’t want to eat. wouldn’t even want to be touched—not even by you. and not out of anger, but out of guilt. out of this impossible pressure he carried like it was stitched into his skin.

tonight felt like one of those times. you could already feel it closing in around you.

he was playing well. that was the worst part. he was moving sharp, hitting smart, putting everything he had into every point—but it wasn’t enough. not yet. and you knew exactly how much harder that would be for him to swallow.

the whistle blew, cutting you from your thoughts. timeout—your side.

your team gathered near the bench, forming a loose huddle around the coach, towels slung over shoulders, water bottles passed down the line. from the stands, it was hard to hear what was being said, but you could see it all in their faces—tight jaws, shallow breathing, sweat glistening down temples.

hyunjin was the last to step into the circle.

he ran a hand through his hair, pulling the tie loose as if he couldn’t stand it anymore. it flopped down messily over his forehead, but he didn’t bother fixing it. he leaned forward with his hands on his knees, listening, nodding occasionally.

the coach was gesturing rapidly now, drawing imaginary lines in the air, shifting pieces they couldn’t afford to lose. you could practically hear the urgency just from the way he moved—faster than usual, clipped and sharp.

one of the middles clapped his hands, trying to hype the group up. another player tapped his chest twice, mouthing something. the timeout ended with one last sharp clap from the coach, and just like that—they were moving again.

your team filed back onto the court, more focused now, like something had shifted in those sixty seconds. you leaned forward in your seat, hands curled tightly in your lap as your friends whispered around you.

“what do you think they’re trying?”

“i don’t know—but they’ve switched completely.”

and they were.

it wasn’t obvious at first, but then you saw it—hyunjin wasn’t starting from his usual position. the setter had shifted too. your middle blocker was crouched lower than usual, almost like he was prepping for a sprint, not a block.

and then the whistle blew.

the serve flew over—clean, controlled.

your team received it smoothly, but instead of setting to the outside or middle, the setter jump set backwards across the court—a full-speed, cross-body set with almost no telegraphing.

it landed perfectly in hyunjin’s zone.

he wasn’t even fully visible to the blockers until the last second—disguised behind the rotation shift. he came flying in from the back row, not where they expected him, soaring with his body stretched out like a missile.

the crowd gasped before the ball even touched his hands.

you sat up straighter, brows furrowed. “wait—what are they—?”

hyunjin launched from the back row like it was second nature, legs slicing through the air, body twisting mid-air to angle the hit just right. and then—

crack.

he didn’t go cross. he didn’t go down the line.

he hit straight into the softest, most empty pocket on the entire court—dead center, back row, right behind their setter. not even bang chan could cover it.

the ball smacked the floor.

perfect. no touch. clean.

you didn’t even have to wait for the whistle.

point. yours.

you were on your feet in an instant, mouth wide open, cheering at the top of your lungs, barely hearing yourself over the roar around you. your friends were jumping, grabbing each other, laughing in total disbelief.

“holy shit!” someone yelled beside you. “that was insane!”

but just as quickly as it started—the noise stopped.

like someone hit mute.

a chill crawled up your spine.

you turned back to the court—confused, heart already thudding for a different reason—and your eyes locked on the place where hyunjin should’ve been standing.

he wasn’t.

he was on the floor.

no.

he was clutching his knee. his fingers were digging into it, and his face was twisted in something you’d never seen on him before.

not pain from a cramp or a bruise.

something deeper. sharper.

you felt the blood drain from your face.

his teammates were already moving—rushing to him from every side, their celebration cut off mid-cheer like someone had yanked the breath out of the room.

the setter dropped to his knees beside him. the middle crouched low, hands hovering like he didn’t know what to touch. 

and hyunjin wasn’t getting up.

you couldn’t even hear the crowd anymore.

just the dull ringing in your ears and your heartbeat thudding somewhere too high in your chest.

“no,” one of your friends whispered beside you, voice tight. “no, no, no…”

you couldn’t move.

you were frozen in place, staring at him through the blinding white of the stadium lights, through the sea of players gathering like a wall between him and the rest of the world. you could barely see his face anymore—but you remembered the way it looked.

like he knew.

like in that one second—he knew something was wrong. something bad. something he couldn’t walk off.

suddenly, the crowd shifted, murmurs rising like smoke. they were carrying him.

two staff members on either side, arms looped under his shoulders, another holding his leg steady as they carefully lifted him off the court. hyunjin’s face was buried in the crook of his elbow, jaw clenched so tight you could see the tension from where you sat.

you stood halfway out of instinct, trying to follow him with your eyes, but the mass of movement on the court swallowed him up. the trainers led him to the far corner near the benches, behind a curtain.

and just like that, he was gone from view.

your stomach dropped.

on the court, your coach looked stunned—frozen for a second too long, his clipboard limp in his hands. he blinked hard, almost like shaking himself out of a daze, and then turned, his voice barely carrying over the now-muted stadium.

a sub scrambled to his feet, face pale as he stripped off his warm-up jersey and jogged toward the line. no one looked ready. no one was ready. the rotation was lopsided now. the rhythm shattered.

they had to play without him.

your team returned to their positions like ghosts, stiff and quiet, eyes flicking toward the sideline every few seconds.

you didn’t even realize you were walking until your feet hit the concrete stairs of the bleachers.

one step. then another.

the sound of the game behind you dulled into nothing. cheers, squeaks of sneakers, whistles—it all faded into a low hum, like your ears were full of cotton. you pushed past people in the aisle without meeting their eyes, murmuring apologies you didn’t really mean.

you couldn’t stay in there.

not with the scoreboard still ticking. not with them still playing like everything was normal.

you slipped out the side exit of the stadium, the heavy doors swinging shut behind you with a thud that echoed down the hallway.

the air out here was colder. sterile. the fluorescent lights buzzed faintly overhead as you moved past storage closets and empty water coolers, the polished floors squeaking under your shoes. no signs. no directions. just your gut pulling you forward.

you passed the locker rooms. the hallway turned narrower, less familiar, walls a little grimier, like you weren’t meant to be here without a staff badge. but you kept going. past laundry carts and low murmurs behind closed doors.

and then—around a final corner—you saw it.

the door leading to the first-aid clinic. you moved closer, careful, heart hammering so hard you thought it might bruise your ribs.

you reached for the handle.

it didn’t budge.

locked.

from inside, you could hear muffled voices—the medic speaking low and even, someone voice barely audible in return. you leaned in instinctively, trying to catch a word, a phrase, anything that would make this feel less terrifying.

but you couldn’t make anything out.

your fingers stayed wrapped around the doorknob for a second longer, trembling slightly, and then finally dropped to your side.

you backed up a step. then another.

your back hit the cold concrete wall behind you, and you slid down slowly, knees folding until you were crouched there in the hallway like you’d forgotten how to stand.

you pressed the heels of your hands into your eyes.

everything felt warped, like the fluorescent lights above you were humming louder than they should, like the cold of the floor had sunk all the way into your bones.

you didn’t hear the door open. you only saw it move.

a creak. a shift. then a sliver of light spilled into the hallway.

someone—one of the medics, probably a student trainer—poked his head out. young. clipboard in hand. his brows knit as he glanced down and saw you there, curled up in your hoodie and university tee, the stripes of face paint still smudged across your cheeks.

you blinked up at him, dry-mouthed.

“hi,” you said.

it came out too soft. like a question you weren’t sure how to ask.

he stared for a second, taking in your whole mess of a posture and game-day colors, your trembling hands and your knees drawn up to your chest. his eyes flicked to the crest on your shirt, the one that matched the jersey hyunjin had been wearing.

“were you trying to open the door?” he cleared his throat. “can i help you?”

you opened your mouth, but nothing came out at first. you looked down at yourself—still dressed like you were going to war for school spirit, like this was just a fun night out.

you felt ridiculous.

you looked up at him, throat tight. “is hwang hyunjin in there?”

the man nodded slowly, shifting awkwardly in the doorway. “yeah. he is.”

something in you relaxed at the confirmation, just for a second—but it didn’t last.

the guy looked over his shoulder, then back at you, rubbing the back of his neck. “look, i get it. i do. but you shouldn’t be here.”

your stomach twisted.

you nodded, more out of instinct than agreement. “i know,” you whispered.

“it's nothing personal. he's just not in great shape right now,” he said, more gently this time. “they’re still figuring out the damage. trying to keep things quiet. we don’t want anyone back here yet.”

you nodded again, this time more shakily, pressing your fingers into the hem of your sleeve just to feel something solid. the man lingered for a moment, still halfway in the doorway, like he didn’t want to be the one to push you away completely.

then, after a beat, he sighed. “but i can check.”

your head snapped up.

“really?” you breathed, eyes wide.

he hesitated—then gave you a look that said don’t make me regret this before slipping back inside and gently shutting the door behind him.

you stayed frozen in place, heart in your throat, chest rising and falling way too fast. you stared at the door like you could see through it, like if you just focused hard enough, it would let you in.

seconds passed. maybe a minute. it felt like an hour.

then the door creaked open again.

the man leaned out and gave a slight tilt of his head. “come in,” he said quietly.

you didn’t even hesitate.

you scrambled to your feet, legs still shaky, and followed him inside.

the room was colder than you expected. colder and too bright.

it smelled like antiseptic and old sweat and something metallic, like the sharp edge of panic that hadn’t quite left the air. you stepped inside slowly, eyes adjusting to the stark contrast between this place and the roaring stadium just minutes ago. the walls were a dull gray, the floor scuffed with years of cleats and court shoes. it didn’t feel like a place where someone like hyunjin should be.

he sat on the padded table, jersey still on. his left knee was wrapped, elevated on a foam wedge. his face was pale, damp with sweat, lips parted like he’d been breathing through pain for too long.

the doctor stood beside him, glancing at a clipboard. “alright, hang tight,” she said gently. “we’ll be back in a few with imaging details, okay?”

hyunjin nodded slowly, not quite meeting her eyes.

then she turned to leave, pausing only to give the trainer a quiet nod. they both slipped past you, closing the door behind them with a quiet click.

you stood there.

for a second, hyunjin didn’t move.

then his head turned toward you, slow and heavy like it took effort just to look.

his eyes found yours—and they weren’t the ones you knew.

this was something else entirely. empty. distant. like he was still falling, even now.

he didn’t say anything.

his jaw was tight. his hands rested stiffly at his sides, like he didn’t trust them to hold anything—not even his own weight. his shoulders were tense, his posture too upright, like the pain was the only thing anchoring him.

you took a few slow steps forward, hesitant like you were approaching a stranger.

“hyune,” you said softly.

nothing.

just the faintest twitch of his fingers.

you could see the way his throat bobbed when he swallowed, the way his lip wobbled for a half-second before he caught it. he blinked—once, then again—and looked away, back down to his knee like if he stared at it hard enough, it might undo whatever had just happened.

you took another cautious step toward him, watching him crumble in slow motion.

your voice came out quiet, barely more than a breath. “one to ten?”

it was a thing you always did—after tough practices, late-night cramps, bruises from blocked spikes. you’d ask it with a smile, even when he was clearly hurting, and he’d roll his eyes and say two or four, just to seem tough. sometimes he’d lie and say ten, just to make you laugh.

but this time, he didn’t answer right away.

he let out a sharp breath through his nose, almost like a laugh—but there was nothing funny in it. his hands finally clenched into fists at his sides.

then he looked at you, and something behind his eyes snapped.

“it doesn’t matter.”

his voice was flat. cold. shaky with everything he was trying not to feel.

you froze.

“i’ve seen this,” he said, more to himself now. “i’ve seen guys go down just like this. same way. and just like that—” he snapped his fingers harshly. “they’re done.”

you shook your head instinctively. “no, hyun—”

“it’s over,” he said, cutting you off, voice cracking around the edges. “do you get that? and i felt it the second i landed.”

he paused, shoulders rising like he was trying to hold himself together with just breath. you stepped closer, barely breathing, your hands aching to reach for him—but still unsure if he’d even let you.

“i know,” you said gently. “i know it feels like that right now. like everything’s ending. but it’s not—hyunjin, it’s not over.”

“no,” he said sharply, voice rising, fraying. “y/n, don’t—don’t say that.”

your heart splintered.

his hands trembled on the edge of the table, clutching the vinyl padding like it was the only thing keeping him from falling apart completely.

“you don’t get it,” he said, turning his face away from you, eyes glistening. “you’re brilliant. you’ve always known what you’re doing. everyone on my team does too,” he kept going, his voice shaking harder now, barely holding together. “they’ve got degrees lined up. internships. backup plans.”

his chest rose and fell faster, his breath uneven. he finally looked at you, and the heartbreak in his face knocked the wind from your lungs.

“i don’t,” he said, quietly, helplessly. “i don’t have anything else.”

his chin trembled. and then—just like that—he broke.

tears welled in his eyes too fast to stop, slipping down his cheeks before he could even wipe them away. he tried—he really tried—to hold it in. but it was no use.

“this sport is all i have,” he whispered again, voice barely there, shattered between sobs.

you didn’t say anything.

you couldn’t. there was no fixing this with words. no comforting lie that would make him believe it wasn’t happening. so instead, you stepped closer, so gently, and reached a hand toward him.

fingers threading through his hair—slow, steady, soft.

he flinched at first, like touch would be too much, but the second your hand settled there, something in him caved. his shoulders dropped. his head tilted forward into your palm like he didn’t even realize he was doing it.

your other hand came up to cradle the back of his head, guiding him forward.

he leaned in, pressing his forehead gently into your stomach, his whole body folding inward. you wrapped your arms around him, holding his head like something precious—like you were trying to shield him from the weight of what was happening.

and for the first time since the fall, he let himself be held.

it had been a few days. to no one’s surprise, the other team took the win home.

the official word came down two mornings after the game: full acl tear, grade three. complete rupture. months of rehab. no return this season. no guarantees beyond that.

you’d been there when they told him. sat beside him in the tiny office with the blinds drawn, the doctor’s voice steady and clinical as she read off the report. hyunjin hadn’t said a word the entire time. just stared down at his hands, jaw locked, expression unreadable in that terrifying way it gets when he's not okay but refuses to show it.

since then, everything had been... quieter.

the news spread fast, of course. the university’s athletic account posted an official update—“wishing a full recovery.” his teammates rallied around him publicly, reposted the announcement with hearts and strength emojis. but under all that noise, in the places that mattered, it was like someone had pressed pause on hyunjin’s whole world.

and your friends never asked either.

not really.

they gave you the space to bring it up first, which you hadn’t. a few of them texted to say they were sorry, or that they’d heard and were thinking of you both. but no one asked how he was holding up. no one pushed.

you appreciated it more than you could say.

because honestly, you didn’t even know what to tell them.

he’d texted earlier this morning to let you know he was in his dorm room when you asked him where he was.

he hadn’t wanted to talk volleyball. at all. the day after the diagnosis, he shoved his gear into a box and pushed it into the back of his closet. he didn’t even watch the next game. 

so he tried something else.

a distraction. something that didn’t involve courts or rosters. something that felt like anything but the thing he loved most.

you found him in the corner of his dorm room, tucked beside his desk where the late afternoon light streamed in from the window. his crutches leaned against the wall beside him, forgotten for the moment. he was sitting on a low stool, hunched over a sketchpad with a charcoal pencil in hand, his left leg extended stiffly in front of him in its brace.

you paused in the doorway for a second, just watching.

there was smudge on his cheek. a little streak of black where he must’ve rubbed his face without realizing. his hair was pulled back in a messy bun. there were shadows under his eyes, like he hadn’t been sleeping well—not that he ever said it out loud.

he lifted his head when he heard your footsteps.

you softened instantly. “hi, hyunjin.”

he gave you a small smile—barely there, but real. “hey.”

you made your way over, sliding onto the empty stool next to him, careful not to bump his leg. up close, you could see more of the charcoal dust on his fingers, the soft curve of concentration still lingering in his brows.

“whatcha working on?” you asked gently, nodding toward the sketchpad in his lap.

he looked down at it, then tilted it slightly so you could see.

it was a portrait—stunning, honestly. still unfinished, but already detailed enough to recognize the profile, the emotion, the shadow work. you blinked at it, impressed.

“is that…?” you started.

“one of my favorite movies,” he said, lips twitching up just a little. “it’s the scene i always liked.”

“it’s really good,” you said honestly. “like… really good.”

he gave a little shrug, wiping his thumb along the side of the paper to soften a line. “i still remember a bit from when i used to do it. a few years ago. took a class once. my teacher said i had a gift.” then he smiled again, sheepish this time, “and i ignored her and spent all my time elsewhere.”

you knew what elsewhere meant.

volleyball. always volleyball. 

but you didn’t push.

instead, you just nodded softly, watching the way he blended the shadow near the jawline with a precision that felt both practiced and instinctive.

“how’s your knee?” you asked after a quiet moment.

without looking up, he murmured, “honestly? it hurts pretty bad.”

your chest tightened.

he shifted a little on the stool, trying to get more comfortable, but winced when his brace caught against the edge of the table leg. “the meds help a little, but the brace is stiff as hell. and i keep waking up at night.”

he rubbed his palm over his knee gently, not like it helped, more like it was habit. a quiet frustration simmered beneath his words—one you’d come to recognize too well. the kind that wasn’t about pain alone.

you reached over and brushed some charcoal dust from his wrist.

“i'm sorry,” you said, softly.

he looked at you, then—not just glanced, but really looked. eyes a little red, a little tired.

but grateful.

you let your fingers linger just a moment longer against his wrist, feeling the faint tremble in it even as he tried to keep his hand steady over the page.

“when’s surgery, again?” you asked gently.

he looked down at his knee again, then exhaled slowly through his nose. “this weekend.”

you nodded, the word settling heavy in your chest even though you’d known it was coming.

“saturday morning,” he added. “they want me there by seven. it’s at the ortho clinic just off campus.”

“are you nervous?” you asked.

he didn’t answer right away.

then, with a voice so quiet it barely made it to your ears, he said, “yeah.”

you nodded gently, already a step ahead of him.

“i’ll borrow my friend’s car,” you said. “to come get you that morning.”

hyunjin looked up, surprised.

“i talked to her about it already,” you added with a soft smile. “it’s all set. i’ll drop you off and take you home after. whatever you need.”

his eyes softened, the tension in his shoulders melting just slightly. “thank you, really.”

you didn’t look away.

“of course,” you whispered.

there was a pause, a quiet beat that hung between you like a thread.

his eyes flickered to your mouth—slowly, deliberately.

and before you could even catch your breath, he leaned in.

the kiss wasn’t rushed. it was careful, like he was trying not to break something fragile—like you were the only solid thing left in a world that had suddenly become unsteady.

his lips lingered on yours for a breath longer, then another—like he didn’t want to let go. when he finally pulled back, it was just far enough to rest his forehead against yours, eyes still closed, breath brushing softly against your skin.

he didn’t say it. just stayed there, breathing quietly, forehead against yours.

trying not to think about how it used to feel to have you underneath him. or how badly he missed it.

because this wasn’t how it used to be.

whenever you two made out, i would get…physical. you used to kiss like you couldn’t get enough. tangled limbs, rushed hands, mouths colliding again and again between laughs and gasps. he used to grab you by the waist and lift you right into his lap, pin you to the bed. you’d end up flushed and breathless, clothes half-off, his hands under your shirt, yours in his hair.

but now…

now there was no way he could move like that. couldn’t let things get wild or fast or messy. his knee wouldn’t let him. the brace made everything stiff, every shift a risk. he couldn’t even kiss you too hard without pain flaring through his leg.

his breath hitched.

still close, still barely touching, but something in him had started to tremble. not from pain—at least not just pain. his skin had gone hot. your mouth had been so soft against his. your fingers, gentle on his wrist. the warmth of your breath, the kindness in your voice—it stirred something in him that had nothing to do with sex and everything to do with need.

real, aching, quiet need.

and you hadn’t noticed yet. you pulled back just slightly, blinking at the way his face had tensed, how a sheen of sweat had started to rise along his brow.

“hyunjin?” you asked softly, brows drawing together. “are you okay?”

he didn’t answer. just closed his eyes for a second, jaw tightening as he breathed out slow through his nose, like maybe he could will the heat in his body to disappear.

you leaned in, frowning, thumb brushing a bead of sweat off his cheekbone. “what’s wrong?” you whispered, more worried now. “what do you need?”

you started to move—maybe to grab water, maybe just to give him space—but his hand shot out and caught your wrist before you could stand. not rough, but firm. stronger than he’d touched you all week. his eyes met yours then, wide, dark, burning in a way you hadn’t seen since before the injury.

“you,” he breathed.

you blinked, breath caught somewhere in your throat. “what?” you asked, voice small, barely more than a puff of air.

hyunjin didn’t answer right away.

instead, his gaze held yours and then he guided your hand down, slow, deliberate, until your palm met the heat between his legs. his fingers curled lightly around your wrist, pressing, just enough for you to feel it.

hard.

you froze.

he was already so hard it pulsed beneath your touch, straining against the soft fabric of his shorts, hot through the cotton. your lips parted in a quiet, startled breath—eyes flicking up to meet his again, searching, questioning, caught between confusion and something much heavier.

he swallowed.

and then he was looking at you differently—like he couldn’t stop. like he’d forgotten everything else. the pain. the brace. the sterile clinic room with its sharp fluorescent lights. all of it faded as he stared at your face now, your wide eyes and parted lips, your fingers still resting right over his cock, uncertain but not pulling away.

you looked so soft. so concerned. so painfully beautiful.

too good for him.

too gentle to be caught up in whatever this was trying to turn into.

the image of how you used to look beneath him—hair spread out on the pillow, flushed cheeks, that gasp you’d make when he kissed your neck just right—it slammed into his chest so hard it almost knocked the air out of him.

and still, your hand stayed

you didn’t even realize your thumb had shifted slightly, tracing the heat through the fabric without thinking. you could feel how hard he was now, pulsing against your palm like his body was begging without him having to say a word.

but your heart was racing, chest tight, torn between the rush building in your core and the sting of guilt that came with it.

“i…” you started, voice catching, eyes flicking down, then back to his. “i can’t—hyunjin, you’re hurt…”

the words felt wrong even as you said them. his leg. his knee. the brace locked stiff across the line of his thigh. he couldn’t move the way he used to, couldn’t roll you under him, couldn’t press his weight into you like before. and part of you was terrified of doing anything that might make it worse.

but hyunjin didn’t flinch. didn’t let go.

his fingers tightened around your wrist, just a little. his throat worked around a thick swallow, adam’s apple bobbing as he tried to speak.

“we don’t have to…” he started, voice hoarse. “go all out,” then he exhaled—long and slow, jaw clenched like it physically hurt to hold the words back—and the sound that came with it wasn’t just breath. 

it was a moan.

and it hit you somewhere deep.

your body reacted before your thoughts could catch up—heat blooming between your legs. his voice always did that to you, but hearing it like this—like he couldn’t even help it—made something tighten hard in your belly.

“just…” he breathed again, eyes dragging across your face like he couldn’t get enough, “just something.”

his gaze dipped lower. to your mouth. the flush climbing your throat. the way your thighs had pressed together just slightly as you sat.

and still, you looked at him with that soft concern. the look in your eyes that made his cock twitch painfully inside his shorts.

for a second, you didn’t say anything—just stared at him, fingers still resting on the thick heat of him, heart hammering so loud it drowned out everything else. the room felt too small, too quiet. you were straddling the edge of something, dizzy with want but scared to fall all the way in.

then—slowly—you reached behind you.

your hand found the door handle, turned it, and you heard the soft click of the lock sliding into place.

hyunjin’s eyes tracked every movement.

you still didn’t look at him as you pulled your hand back, settling it in your lap. “i’m scared,” you whispered.

it wasn’t a plea. it was just the truth. raw. honest. the way your voice only got when you couldn’t hide what you were feeling anymore.

and he softened immediately.

not in his body—he was still hard, still aching—but in his face, in his eyes, in the way his hand slowly loosened its grip on your wrist and slid up to cup your waist instead. “don’t be,” he said quietly, thumb brushing over your shirt. “you’re with me.”

you swallowed hard, then reached up and gathered your hair in both hands. twisting it quickly, you tied it into a loose knot at the top of your head—out of the way. practical. familiar.

his breath caught.

you didn’t have to say anything. he understood.

his cheeks flushed, mouth falling open slightly as he watched, and then—careful, slow—he rolled his chair back a few inches. the wheels squeaked softly against the floor, giving you more space, clearing the narrow strip between him and the edge of the desk.

then he hooked his thumb under the waistband of his sweatpants.

the fabric caught for a second on his brace, but he tugged gently, shifting the good leg first, inch by inch. down past his hips, baring the tight line of his stomach, then the hard length of him straining up against his briefs, thick and flushed and twitching where it pressed into the cotton. he pushed them down too, just enough, cock springing free with a soft thud against his lower belly.

he watched you the whole time.

like you were the only thing in the room. like every breath he took depended on what you would do next.

it took you a second to breathe.

the way he looked sitting there—back against the chair, legs parted carefully around the brace, chest rising and falling under his t-shirt, flushed and exposed and completely still except for the twitch of his cock—was enough to make your knees feel unsteady even though you weren’t standing.

he was beautiful.

long and thick, flushed at the tip, a bead of slick already welling there as if his body was just as impatient as his eyes. his body tensed when you leaned in, gaze flicking between his face and the heavy line of him resting against his lower stomach.

you reached out with your hand—no hesitation this time—and wrapped your fingers gently around the base.

he hissed through his teeth.

“fuck—” he breathed, head tipping back against the edge of the chair.

you stroked once, slow and curious, thumb brushing just beneath the tip. he twitched again, harder, a tremble running down his thighs as he tried to hold still. his hands gripped the arms of the chair, knuckles white.

“is this okay?” you asked, voice low, thumb circling now.

he nodded, eyes half-lidded. “yeah. yeah, that’s—” he couldn’t finish. his head rolled back, dark hair threatening to slip free from the messy bun. it spilled around his shoulders as he exhaled, a shuddering breath that turned into a soft moan when your grip tightened just a little.

you did it again. squeezed at the top, slow twist of your wrist, then slid your hand back down. you couldn’t stop watching his face—the way it tensed, the way his mouth parted just slightly, the sheer effort it took for him to stay still in that chair.

and he was so warm in your grip. so hard. so desperately full.

you leaned in.

hyunjin’s eyes snapped down to you, breath hitching audibly. his fingers twitched at the edge of the chair arm, and then your mouth was on him.

he let out a sound—half-moan, half-gasp—as your lips slid over the head of his cock, tongue swirling to catch the taste of him. you moaned around him, soft and quiet, and the vibration made him groan aloud.

“ah, fuck—baby—”

you took him deeper, slowly, carefully, easing your lips down his length while your hand stroked what your mouth couldn’t reach. 

hyunjin’s breathing turned ragged, each inhale sharper than the last, his chest rising fast beneath the thin fabric of his shirt. you could feel him throbbing on your tongue, as your lips slid down again—deeper this time, slower, letting the stretch of him fill your mouth.

his moans were coming more freely now.

soft, broken things that fell from his lips with no control. his hand finally let go of the chair arm, trembling as it hovered in the air for a second before he reached out and touched you.

fingertips to your temple first. featherlight. like he was afraid he’d shatter if he took more than that.

then his palm curved behind your head. but it didn’t stay gentle. the longer your mouth worked around him, the more his grip tightened, his breath falling faster.

and then he started pushing.

harsh and mindless.

each time you tried to ease back, his hand would push forward again, holding you there longer, deeper, chasing the heat of you without any thought. his hips couldn't do what they used to—his knee locked him in place—but his hand compensated for everything his body couldn’t. and it kept pushing, guiding, pressing you down until you couldn’t take more without your throat burning and your breath catching.

you let out a muffled noise, hands bracing against his thighs, trying to signal to him to slow down—but he didn’t hear it. didn’t see. his head had dropped back, hair falling loose around his flushed face, lips parted in a moan that sounded more like a sob.

he wasn’t with you.

he was inside himself—somewhere dark, somewhere drowning—and using your mouth like it was the only way to claw back toward the surface.

you choked softly, eyes stinging, unable to pull back. your throat ached.

every push of his hand kept you down longer than the last—too deep, too fast. your jaw was sore, your eyes blurred, your lungs clawing for space that wouldn’t come. the weight of him, the pressure, the heat—it wasn’t pleasure anymore.

not for you.

it didn’t feel like him.

not the way he usually was. not your hyunjin, who used to check on you between every kiss, who held your face like it was something sacred, who used to stop even if you blinked too fast.

now it felt like he didn’t see you at all.

like you weren’t a person anymore—just something to forget the pain in his knee and the fear in his chest. he wasn’t here. not really. his head was thrown back, hair falling wild around his face, mouth parted like he was dreaming. his hips twitched and his grip only tightened.

and you couldn’t breathe.

you reached up blindly, panic crawling up your spine, and your fingers found his wrist. you squeezed—hard—nails digging in, not gentle. you tugged, sharp and clear, trying to break through the fog he’d sunk into.

he didn’t respond.

you let out a sound around him—muffled, choked—desperate, strained. the shape of your safe word barely formed against his skin, but you tried. a soft, garbled syllable that wasn’t a word but should’ve been enough.

he finally stilled.

right on the edge of another thrust, his body went stiff, lips parting like he was about to say something—maybe your name, maybe nothing at all—but you beat him to it.

you yanked your head back with what little leverage you had left, slipping free from his grip, from his cock, from everything.

you coughed, choked, gasping as cool air hit your throat again, and then the tears came—hot, sudden, uncontainable.

“red,” you managed to say, voice cracked and hoarse. “red—red—”

the word hit like a gunshot.

hyunjin froze.

his whole face changed in an instant. every bit of color drained from his cheeks, and his hands, which had just been gripping the arms of the chair like a lifeline, fell limp.

“oh my gosh.”

you were already sliding backward, falling to the floor, knees knocking the desk leg as you curled in on yourself. your hands shook where they braced against the tile, and your chest heaved as you tried to pull in air that wouldn’t come smooth. you were crying now—no sound at first, just tears streaking hot down your cheeks, lips parted in a silent sob, your throat too raw to speak.

he scrambled, clumsy, heart in his throat. one hand yanked his sweatpants back up, barely getting them over his hips.

“hey, baby, i didn’t fuck, i didn’t know—i wasn’t thinking, i’m so—” his voice broke, and he reached for you with trembling hands. “i’m so fucking sorry—”

he touched your face, barely.

fingertips to your temple, your jaw, trying to check if you were okay, trying to wipe the tears that kept coming. his touch was gentle now. so different from how it had been minutes before, like the realization had shattered something inside him.

but you couldn’t look at him.

you were shaking too hard, too fast, every breath coming short, sharp, uneven. you curled further into yourself, arms hugging your sides, forehead pressed to your knees. you didn’t push him away—but you didn’t answer him either.

your skin recoiled under his fingertips.

even though his hands were soft now—so soft, barely brushing along your jaw like he was scared to break you—you still flinched. a subtle twitch at first, then a shiver so full-body it knocked your balance as you tried to push upright.

“don’t,” you rasped, voice raw and shaking. you didn’t mean to sound so small. so scared. but you were.

he froze.

you didn’t even look at him. you couldn’t.

your hands scraped the floor as you stood—clumsy, uneven, like your legs weren’t steady under you. you grabbed for your bag, for your phone, for something solid to hold onto. everything in your chest felt like it was spinning, tearing, trying to collapse into itself.

“i need to go,” you whispered, backing toward the door.

hyunjin’s mouth opened, but no words came. just a broken sound, breath catching, shoulders shaking like his whole body had stopped working.

“i didn’t know,” he finally said, voice cracking. “i didn’t mean to—i wasn’t—”

he was crying now. not quietly. not the kind of tears you hide.

they poured down his cheeks, one after the other, lips trembling, eyes wide and full of everything he couldn’t fix. “i’m so sorry,” he choked out, curling forward like the words hurt. “please, i didn’t mean to hurt you, baby—”

but you were already reaching for the door handle.

your hand shook as you unlocked it, chest tight, the cool metal grounding you even as the room blurred with tears. you still couldn’t look at him. not with how scared you still were.

the door clicked open beneath your trembling fingers, and cold air spilled in from the hallway—but it didn’t clear your head.

it didn’t make anything better.

you stood there for a second, caught in the threshold, chest still heaving, heart still slamming like it didn’t know how to stop. you didn’t look back. couldn’t. you could hear him behind you though, curled forward on the floor, gasping through sobs he couldn’t swallow down.

but that wasn’t him.

that wasn’t hyunjin.

not the one you knew. not the one who used to cradle your face between kisses, who used to hold your hand in the dark just because he liked the way your fingers fit his. not the one who used to whisper how much he loved your voice, even when you were only reading out loud from your textbook.

this wasn’t him.

and whatever this injury had done to him… it went deeper than you thought.

it had eaten something. hollowed him out.

left behind someone who could shut his eyes and chase comfort in your body without even hearing you cry.

you wiped at your face with the back of your sleeve, but more tears came.

because you knew him. you knew his heart. you’d seen every soft piece of it. you’d held it. and even now, you wanted to believe that he didn’t mean it—that the real hyunjin was buried under all that pain and grief and fear of losing the one thing he’d built his life around.

but wanting to believe wasn’t enough. not tonight.

you stepped out into the hall. the door clicked shut behind you.

and for the first time since you’d met him, you didn’t feel safe with him.

it was still dark when you parked outside his dorm.

the campus was quiet—too quiet for 6:30 a.m., the sky barely touched with light, the windshield misting over with the last traces of night. you sat there in your friend’s borrowed car, engine idling low, hands resting on the steering wheel, eyes fixed on the front door.

a minute passed. then two.

and then—you saw him.

hyunjin came down the steps slowly, crutches under each arm, hood pulled up, sweatpants hanging loose over the bulky brace on his leg. his pace was careful, uneven, but steady. he moved like he didn’t want anyone to look at him too long.

you got out immediately, door creaking in the quiet. “do you need help?”

he looked up and gave you a small smile—gentle, so much softer than you expected. “no i’m okay,” he said, voice just above a whisper. “thank you.”

you stepped back as he opened the passenger door and climbed in, easing himself down. he slid the crutches into the backseat, shut the door, and settled in without a sound.

you walked around to the driver’s side, climbed in, and pulled your seatbelt over your shoulder.

as you started the drive, the streets still empty and blue-tinted with morning, he turned to you.

“you really didn’t have to do this,” he said quietly, his voice tinged with something heavy.

and maybe he was right.

you shouldn’t be here. not after what happened. not after how he hurt you—physically, emotionally, in a way you still hadn’t figured out how to name. but you were here. because you loved him. because no matter how much pain there was, you couldn’t stand the thought of him going through this alone.

so you just said, “it’s okay. i didn’t want you to be alone after surgery.” you glanced at him, voice soft. “i know anesthesia can make you dizzy.”

he didn’t say anything for a moment. but when you stopped at the red light and looked over, you saw the way he was staring at you—like your care was something he couldn’t quite believe was still his to receive.

his eyes stayed on you, searching. you could feel the weight of it even in the stillness.

then, his voice broke through the quiet. fragile. raw.

“i’m sorry, baby.”

you didn’t respond right away. your fingers tightened slightly on the steering wheel, your throat catching.

“what i did… that day…” he shook his head, gaze dropping to his lap like he couldn’t even look at you. “it was unforgivable.”

you opened your mouth to say something, anything—but he kept going.

“are you okay?” his voice cracked. “did i hurt you?”

you didn’t answer immediately, and that silence alone made his breath hitch.

you wanted to say no. wanted to take his pain and carry it for him, like you always did. but you couldn’t lie—not about this.

so you whispered, barely audible, “a little.”

he flinched. your hands were still on the wheel, eyes locked on the road, but you could feel him unravel beside you.

you swallowed hard. “you didn’t mean to. i know that.”

“but i did,” he said, almost to himself. “i was so far gone i didn’t even see it.”

the pain in his voice made your chest ache.

and still, the car kept moving forward—two people in the same space, carrying wounds too fresh to fully name, but still choosing not to let go.

the clinic came into view faster than you expected—just a few more turns, a quiet lot, and a small sign out front that read orthopedics in clean, neutral lettering.

you pulled into a space near the entrance, engine humming to a stop. the sky was still a soft gray, the sun just beginning to push up over the horizon, casting a pale gold light across the windshield.

neither of you moved.

there was still time. maybe ten minutes before they’d call him in. enough to sit in the quiet. enough to say the things that hadn’t found a place yet.

hyunjin stared out the window for a moment, then turned toward you slowly. his face was pale in the early light, eyes heavy with everything he’d been holding back.

“i don’t even know how to start,” he said softly.

you glanced at him, your heart twisting. 

he leaned his head back against the seat, staring up at the ceiling of the car like maybe it would offer answers. “i’ve never felt so… lost. i thought i could just push it all away. pretend like it didn’t matter if i played again. pretend like i didn’t care.”

“but you do,” you said.

he nodded slowly, eyes closing. “i do. i care so much it’s eating me alive. and i used you to make it stop for a second.”

you looked down at your hands, folded in your lap

“i don’t know what i’ve become,” he whispered, voice cracking like the words hurt more coming out than staying in. “i look at myself and i don’t… recognize it. the way i think. the way i treat you. the way i can’t stop being angry.”

he stopped, swallowing hard. 

“and even after everything,” he went on, quieter now, shaking his head in disbelief, “you still show up. at ass o’clock in the morning, no less.” he gave a broken laugh. “still with that look on your face like you don’t hate me.”

you looked up at him then, and he met your eyes, raw and stunned and aching.

“you’re still the sweetest damn thing,” he said. “and i feel terrible.”

he meant it. every word. you could hear it in the way his voice faltered, in the way he couldn’t even look at you too long without blinking hard, like he was afraid he’d cry all over again.

and in that moment, it wasn’t just guilt.

it was grief—for the person he used to be. for the person he thought he ruined. and for the fact that you stayed anyway. you reached over, gently placing your hand on his arm—warm, steady, grounding him in the silence between you.

“you’re going through so much right now,” you said softly. “more than i can imagine. and… i get it. i do.”

he didn’t look at you right away, but you felt the way his muscles tensed under your palm. like the weight of your understanding was heavier than blame.

“i’m not saying it’s okay,” you continued. “it’s not. what happened scared me. and i’ll admit that—because i can’t lie to you. it was scary.”

he flinched, but you squeezed his arm gently.

“but i still want to be here,” you said, voice barely above a whisper. “because i know your heart and what happened that day wasn’t you.”

he turned to you, eyes glassy. “i don’t deserve you.”

“that’s not for you to decide.”

he exhaled shakily, dropping his forehead for a moment like he needed to gather every ounce of control he had left. then, with his voice low and sure, he looked up and said:

“i promise… nothing like that will ever happen again.”

you watched him, holding your breath.

“i swear, y/n,” he said. “i’ll never put you in that place again. you’ve never had to say our safe word before that day, not once. and from now on… you won’t. you never will.”

you saw the guilt in his eyes. but more than that—you saw the intent. the need to mean it. to prove it.

you nodded slowly, your chest tight with everything you hadn’t said but still felt. and then, without overthinking it, without needing to say another word—you leaned in.

you kissed him.

his lips moved against yours with the same softness, like he understood exactly what you were offering. like he was afraid to take too much. one of his hands moved to your jaw, barely brushing your skin, his thumb trembling just slightly as it hovered near your cheek.

he kissed you like he wanted to be better. like he needed to show you that he could be.

you pulled back slowly, your forehead resting gently against his.

there was a beat of silence.

then you whispered, “ready to get cut open?”

a huff of air left his nose, and he actually chuckled. a real one, small and hoarse, but real. “god, you really know how to set the mood.”

you smiled, the corners of your mouth lifting just enough to feel like hope.

without another word, you unbuckled your seatbelt and opened your door, the early morning air spilling in, cool and crisp.

hyunjin followed, slowly shifting forward and carefully maneuvering his crutches. you circled around the car as he swung the door closed behind him, crutches tucked under his arms, his weight shifting just slightly as he adjusted. you could tell it still hurt.

still, he looked at you—and you both started toward the entrance together.

click. you locked the car behind you, the sound echoing in the quiet lot.

the automatic doors slid open with a soft whoosh, and the two of you stepped into the quiet sterility of the clinic lobby. the floors gleamed under fluorescent lights. 

hyunjin made his way to the front desk while you hovered just behind him. he gave his name, confirmed the time, signed a clipboard with a hand that trembled more than he probably meant it to.

the nurse behind the counter offered a polite smile. “we’ll call you when he’s in recovery.”

you nodded, lips pressed into a thin line.

hyunjin turned to look at you then—nervous, but trying not to show it.

you reached out and gently brushed your fingers down his sleeve. “i’ll be right here when you wake up,” you said softly.

his eyes lingered on yours like he wanted to say something more, but instead, he just nodded.

and that was enough.

the room was dim, lit only by the soft blue glow of a monitor and the pale light bleeding in from the hallway. hyunjin lay asleep in the recovery bed, his face slack with exhaustion, an oxygen clip on his finger and a thin hospital blanket draped up to his waist. one arm rested loosely at his side, the other still bandaged from the iv.

you sat quietly in the chair next to him, one leg pulled up to your chest, your phone dimmed low in your hand.

you hadn’t meant to look it up. you weren’t sure what made you do it—curiosity, maybe. restlessness. you didn’t want to call it masochism.

but there it was. the clip.

posted on some account. zoomed in.

you watched it with your stomach in knots, biting the inside of your cheek as the moment played out on repeat. the set. hyunjin’s approach. the jump. you already knew what was coming, but even bracing for it didn’t soften the blow.

then the landing.

your eyes flinched before your body could.

the twist of his knee was subtle—too fast, almost invisible if you weren’t looking for it. you hadn’t even noticed it that night in the stands. not like this. not with the slowed frame-by-frame and the awful, perfect clarity.

and then the collapse.

he went down like someone had pulled the ground out from under him. you winced, lowering the phone, suddenly too aware of the weight in your chest. 

you slammed your phone down onto your thigh, a little harder than you meant to. the sharp sound cracked through the stillness of the room like a drop of glass, and the screen went dark in an instant.

you exhaled shakily, your eyes finding him again—hyunjin, pale and quiet, the blanket pulled up to his waist, the brace peeking out from underneath. he looked fragile in a way that didn’t suit him. too still. too quiet.

and then—his fingers twitched.

you sat up straighter.

he stirred, eyelids fluttering once, twice. slowly, he blinked open one eye, unfocused and hazy.

“hi,” he murmured, voice low and rasped and soft as crushed velvet.

your chest squeezed.

“hi, hyunjin,” you whispered back, immediately leaning in.

you kissed his forehead gently, your hand brushing through the strands of hair damp against his temple. he smelled like antiseptic and warmth and something familiar underneath.

“how are you feeling?”

he blinked again, a tiny, tired breath escaping his lips. “fine.”

you smiled, brushing your thumb across his cheek.

“i’ll get someone,” you said. “let them know you’re awake.” you said softly, and reached for the small remote clipped to the side of his bed. you pressed the call button, the little light blinking red.

you sat back a little, still holding his hand, your thumb moving in slow, absent circles against his skin. he was drifting in and out—still groggy, but awake enough to keep his eyes on you, like you were the only thing anchoring him.

there was something else you had to say. something you'd been told in the hallway an hour ago by a nurse with an apologetic smile and a quiet voice.

you waited, watching him breathe, steady and slow.

then finally—quietly—you said, “there’s something i should probably tell you.”

his eyelids lifted slightly, still heavy from the meds. “hm?”

you hesitated.

“i don’t think you’ll want to hear it,” you admitted, giving his hand a soft squeeze. “but… your coach is coming here.”

that got through.

his expression didn’t change much, but you felt the shift. a tension curled through his body—subtle, but there. like something bracing underneath the surface. his fingers tensed under yours.

“he called while you were in surgery,” you continued gently. “said he wanted to see you himself.”

hyunjin stared at the ceiling, his jaw tightening just a little.

you didn’t push him to respond.

you just kept holding his hand.

you were here. no matter who else came through that door.

hyunjin stayed quiet for a moment longer, eyes still on the ceiling like he was searching for something in the sterile white above him. then his grip on your hand loosened—not letting go, just… relaxing.

“it’s okay,” he murmured. “i need to talk to him at some point.”

you gave him a small smile, brushing your thumb along his knuckles.

a few moments passed in comfortable silence before the door creaked open and a nurse stepped inside, clipboard in hand. she offered you both a warm smile as she crossed to hyunjin’s side.

“hey there,” she said gently. “how are we feeling?”

“numb,” hyunjin deadpanned before breaking into a smile.

the nurse chuckled. “fair enough. let’s run some vitals, make sure you’re tolerating everything okay.”

he nodded, letting her work. blood pressure. pulse. pain scale. you watched as he cooperated without complaint, quiet and steady, his expression unreadable but calm.

just as she finished scribbling the last of her notes, she looked up. “by the way,” she said lightly, “your visitor is here.”

hyunjin stiffened for a half second. then he adjusted his posture slightly, pulling the blanket up a little higher, straightening in the bed as best he could.

“he can come in,” he said quietly.

the nurse nodded and stepped out.

the door opened again, and this time a tall man stepped in—mid-forties maybe, graying at the temples, weathered face, windbreaker zipped up halfway with your school’s logo printed over the chest. he paused inside the doorway, eyes scanning the room until they landed on hyunjin.

you started to rise, hand slipping from hyunjin’s as you moved toward the door, ready to give them privacy—space for whatever this conversation was going to be. but before you could even take a full step, his fingers tightened around yours.

you stopped.

his grip wasn’t firm, but it was certain. quietly asking you to stay with him.

so you stayed.

you eased back into your seat beside the bed, glancing up as the coach stepped further into the room. he was tall, broad-shouldered in a way that made the space feel smaller, more serious. but his eyes weren’t cold—just tired. like someone who’d been doing a lot of thinking.

you cleared your throat gently. “hi, sir.”

he looked over at you and gave a small nod, his voice low but familiar. “y/n.”

then his eyes returned to hyunjin.

“hi, coach,” hyunjin said, his tone polite, quiet. measured.

the man stepped closer, stopping just at the foot of the bed. “how’re you holding up?” he asked.

and somehow, the question felt heavier than it sounded. not just about recovery. not just about the knee. it was everything.

hyunjin didn’t answer the question at first. he just sighed—long and slow—his eyes falling to the edge of the blanket draped over his brace. the weight of it all was written in the slump of his shoulders, the way his fingers idly traced the seam in the bedsheet like he needed something to do with his hands.

the coach watched him for a beat, then took a breath. “i’ve been thinking about that last rotation,” he said, voice even but laced with something deeper—guilt, maybe. “i pushed for the shift. pulled you from front to back too fast. you were approaching from the wrong angle and i knew it. that back-row pipe—” he stopped himself, rubbed his jaw, “—that’s a brutal landing when your momentum’s off. you were running too shallow and i let it happen.”

hyunjin’s eyes lifted slowly.

“you’ve done it in practice, yeah. but not like that. not with the pressure we had. i was thinking strategy, not bodies. and yours paid for it.”

“it’s not on you,” hyunjin said, almost too fast.

the coach didn’t argue. he just gave a quiet nod and said, “things like this happen.”

but there was no ease in the way he said it. no comfort.

hyunjin went quiet again, his gaze flickering back to the ceiling, and you stayed still in your chair beside him, fingers curled lightly in your lap, unsure if you should say something or just keep breathing.

then, the coach glanced at you—kindly, not harsh—and said, “y/n, could we have a minute? just the two of us?”

you turned immediately to hyunjin.

his eyes met yours, unreadable at first… then, after a moment’s hesitation, he gave the faintest nod.

you nodded back, slowly rising to your feet. “i’ll just be outside,” you said gently, the words meant more for him than anyone else.

you gave the coach a polite bow before slipping out of the room, leaving the door to click softly shut behind you.

the hallway was quiet, cold, the kind of sterile stillness that made every sound feel sharper. you lowered yourself into the nearest chair just outside his room.

their conversation carried on—quieter now, more personal. you couldn’t hear the words anymore. just tone.

and then—silence.

you sat back against the wall, letting out the breath you hadn’t realized you were holding, eyes drifting closed for just a moment.

whatever was being said inside that room… you hoped it was enough.

it had been a few weeks since the surgery.

the brace was still on, the crutches were still with him, and the follow-up appointments had become part of your shared routine. you’d bring him snacks while he iced his leg. he’d quietly wait for you outside your lectures, scrolling through his phone without really reading anything.

but something had shifted.

not physically—he was healing fine. but emotionally? that was harder to track. harder to measure.

because he hadn’t told you what his coach said that day in the hospital room. not once. not even in passing. you didn’t push, not after everything.

you didn’t know if it was good or bad. whatever his coach told him in that hospital room—it lived in the space between you now. not sharp, not violent, just… there. quiet. heavy. untouched.

he never brought it up, not even once. you never asked. not because you didn’t want to know, but because part of you was afraid of what it would mean if he told you. what it might take from him. from you.

still, you noticed the change.

he’d started talking to his teammates again. slowly at first. then it was late-night facetimes, low conversations on speakerphone while you worked next to him, laughter that didn’t sound forced.

and with you? he was closer.

he reached for you more now—your hand, your waist, your sleeve as you walked beside him. he asked you to stay longer, hang out more, nap in his room, sit in silence and just be. you figured it was because he wasn’t practicing anymore—because the hours he used to fill with drills and reps now echoed open and unstructured.

but still… there was something.

something you couldn’t name. like he was hugging you a little tighter for reasons you didn’t understand. like he was grateful in a way that didn’t quite match the moment. like every time you kissed him, he wasn’t just kissing you back—he was holding onto something.

and whatever it was, it all started the day you left him alone in that room. the day his coach walked in and closed the door behind you.

right now, you were walking beside him through one of the quieter buildings on campus, the late afternoon light casting long shadows across the tile. the hallway was nearly empty—just the occasional distant echo of footsteps and the buzz of old overhead lights.

hyunjin moved slowly, carefully, but smoother than he had in weeks. he only needed one crutch now, swinging it lightly with each step like he was getting used to the rhythm. his other hand was in yours, fingers laced together, warm and easy.

you were telling him something ridiculous—some story about your friend’s disastrous attempt at making microwavable dumplings and accidentally melting the lid of a tupperware container into something that looked like abstract art.

hyunjin laughed under his breath, shaking his head. “how is she still alive?”

“honestly?” you said, grinning, “i ask myself that every day.”

he smirked, then glanced down the hallway, squinting at a door at the end of the corridor.

“oh, hey—look,” he said, nodding toward the wide windows. “that’s the gym.”

you followed his gaze, eyebrows lifting. “huh. i didn’t realize we were near here.”

he leaned a little toward the glass, cupping a hand around his eyes. “looks empty.”

you looked in too—big open court, polished floor, no lights on but the sun slanting in through the high windows gave everything a golden glow.

“let’s go in,” you said, nudging him playfully.

hyunjin moved to the edge of the court, leaning lightly against the wall, one crutch tucked under his arm.

you peeled off toward the storage room, curiosity tugging at you, and came back a moment later holding a volleyball. scuffed, slightly deflated, but good enough. you dropped it to the ground and gave it a bounce.

thud.

it echoed through the empty gym, and hyunjin’s head snapped toward you, eyes lighting up with something close to amusement—maybe even delight.

he laughed, short and warm. “do you even remember how to play?”

you raised a brow, spinning the ball in your hands. “um, of course.”

he gave you a look. “you wore your kneepads under your knees.”

you gasped dramatically. “because all the girls did that! all the time!”

“yeah, and none of you could walk straight after practice.”

you grinned, bouncing the ball again. “listen, it was about the aesthetic, not the function.”

he shook his head, biting back another smile, and for a moment—just a flicker—something in his posture loosened. like this place didn’t just hold what he lost… but also what he loved.

you caught the ball, turning it over once in your hands, then glanced up at him with a little smirk.

“ready?”

hyunjin raised an eyebrow, still leaning casually against the wall, his crutch beside him. “you’re seriously gonna toss it to me?”

you shrugged. “you’re the one judging my form.”

without waiting for a response, you tossed the ball gently in his direction—a soft arc, easy and slow, aimed straight for the area in front of him.

he didn’t even shift his weight.

just lifted his hands, angled his forearms, and bumped it back with a crisp pop, so clean and precise it floated right back into your arms without even spinning.

you caught it, eyes wide. “okay, show-off.” you bounced the ball again, the sound echoing lightly off the gym walls. “wanna pepper?”

hyunjin raised an eyebrow. “you sure?”

you grinned. “i’m not that out of practice.”

he chuckled, pushing off the wall a little. “alright, but if you hit it like, way over there—” he gestured loosely to the far side of the court—“i’m not hobbling after it. i’m on injury probation, remember?”

you nodded solemnly. “deal.”

and then you tossed the ball up and bumped it gently, the pass floating toward him with enough air for him to set it.

he caught it with his fingertips and flicked it up with practiced ease—smooth, clean, almost too perfect. it dropped right above you, and you popped it back over with the heel of your hand.

he bumped it again—still sharp despite barely shifting his feet—and this time, you set it back high and slow.

and then—he slammed it.

not full power, but with that controlled snap of the wrist that made it drop out of the air like it’d been yanked by gravity itself.

you squealed, lunging forward with both hands out, managing to dig it just before it hit the floor. the momentum tipped you over and you rolled, laughing as you landed flat on your back, arms outstretched.

at least the ball floated back toward him.

he tucked it casually into the crook of his arm and grinned down at you.

“you’re mean,” you said breathlessly, still grinning, hair a mess, pride only slightly bruised.

he laughed, eyes crinkling as he looked down at you sprawled across the court.

“you’re still very good,” he said, voice low but honest, the kind of praise that didn’t feel like flattery—just truth.

you chuckled, brushing hair out of your face as you pushed yourself up to stand, brushing your hands against your jeans. “you’re just saying that because i nearly sacrificed my knees for your hit.”

“hey,” he said, the ball still tucked in one arm. “don’t complain about your knees to me.”

you rolled your eyes, walking toward him with a dramatic limp. “oh, i’m sorry. want me to tear the other one so we match?”

his eyes widened in mock horror. “you wouldn’t.”

you smirked. “i might.”

he shook his head, biting back a grin. “you’re evil.”

you chuckled, that warm kind that came from somewhere deeper, and leaned in before he could say anything else—pressing a kiss to his mouth, soft and sure.

he kissed you back instantly, instinctively. like it was muscle memory. like you were the one thing he never had to think twice about.

his hand slid up your waist, slow and careful, fingers curling around your side as if he needed to hold on to something real. you melted into him—every part of you relaxing, sighing against his lips like this was home, like he was.

when you pulled back just enough to speak, your voice was quiet, steady.

“i love you, hyune.”

his eyes searched yours for a moment, wide and open and impossibly full.

“i love you too,” he whispered, his thumb brushing against your side.

you stayed close, your forehead resting gently against his, his breath still warm against your lips.

but then he shifted—just slightly. his hand lingered at your waist, but something in the way his fingers curled changed. slower. hesitant.

“y/n…” he said softly.

you pulled back just a little to look at him.

there was something in his voice—something heavy. the kind of weight that made your chest go still before your heart could catch up. your eyes searched his, waiting, sensing it.

he was about to tell you.

about that day.

you could feel it in the silence that stretched after your name.

but then he blinked, looked away for a second too long, and his hand dropped back to his side.

“never mind,” he murmured, shaking his head. “it’s nothing.”

you turned your gaze forward, toward the far wall of the gym, swallowing the ache in your throat.

because it wasn’t nothing. you knew it wasn’t. but you also knew he wasn’t ready.

not yet.

the room was dim, lit only by the warm spill of the bedside lamp. the sheets were bunched at the foot of the bed like they’d been pushed down in your hurry to get close.

hyunjin lay propped against the headboard, pillows stacked behind his back, his bad leg stretched out carefully. his other knee was bent slightly, his chest bare, skin flushed, eyes half-lidded as he looked at you—like you were something he couldn’t believe he was allowed to touch again.

you were straddling his hips, thighs braced on either side of his waist, your palms resting gently on his chest. the stretch of you around him made your breath catch, and his hands trembled slightly as they found your hips, grounding himself in the heat of your skin.

his hands, still trembling slightly, smoothed up your sides beneath the hem of your soft cami, the thin cotton clinging damply to your back with sweat. you rocked your hips down again with a muted gasp, the motion achingly slow, the stretch deep and languid.

“ah fuck,” hyunjin hissed through his teeth, his head tipping back, exposing the long line of his throat. his fingers dug into your hips, but not hard enough to hurt. just enough to keep himself tethered to the moment. “you feel so fucking good like this.”

your breath caught on a tiny whimper as you lifted again, the slick sound of him leaving you wet and open echoing faintly in the quiet room. you were trying to be gentle, mindful of the way his injured leg stretched out beside you, but each time you rocked down again, that careful rhythm unraveled a little more.

“hyune,” you breathed, voice shaking as you bent forward and braced your hands on either side of his chest. the motion pressed your cami tighter across your breasts, the thin fabric straining where your nipples peaked, soaked slightly where sweat clung. he looked up at you like you were something divine, dazed and reverent, his lips parted in awe.

“you’re killin’ me, baby,” he rasped, one hand sliding from your hip up to the curve of your waist, fingers splaying under the hem of your shirt. he dragged it a little higher but didn’t take it off. “you’re gonna make me come just like this, fuck—”

you clenched around him, involuntarily, your thighs trembling. his voice cracked when he spoke again, rough and ruined and soft all at once.

“when my leg is healed” he started, mouth moving against your skin, teeth grazing lightly, “i’m gonna fuckin’ ruin you. i swear to god. gonna make up for every time i made you do the work. every single one.”

you whimpered, your whole body twitching in response, overwhelmed by the promise laced in every word. “y-yeah?” you managed to breathe, rocking into him again, the angle shifting just enough to brush something electric deep inside you. your legs shook harder.

he nodded, his hands gripping your waist now, steadying you. his eyes burned up into yours, pupils blown wide. “yeah. gonna have you under me, bent over. won’t let you move without feelin’ me deep. gonna fuck you ‘til you cry.”

his eyes, dark and glistening under the low light, locked onto yours like you were the only real thing in the world. his breath stuttered as he watched the way your face contorted, trembling with need, sweat beading at your temple, your thighs trembling against his hips. you rocked into him again, slow and deep, and he felt it—felt that flutter around his cock, the tight drag of your walls clenching just a little harder as the friction built.

“i love you,” he said suddenly, voice raw, breaking like a wave against your skin. his forehead pressed to yours, lips brushing your cheekbone. “fuck, i love you so much—”

your breath caught, your entire body jerking with the force of it, the sweetness cutting right through the heat and making your chest ache.

“i—i love you too,” you whispered, voice cracking, every word ragged with pleasure and emotion. “i love you, hyun—i’m so close, i can’t, i need—”

he didn’t wait. his right hand slid down from your waist, fingers skimming over the curve of your stomach before settling between your thighs. the pad of his middle finger found your clit, slick and swollen, and began to rub slow, tight circles with practiced pressure.

“right here?” he murmured against your mouth, his voice shaking with restraint as he moved in rhythm with your hips. “right here, baby? gonna come for me like this?”

you moaned helplessly, louder now, no longer trying to hold anything back. “oh gosh—hyun, please—right there, don’t stop—”

his hips jerked beneath you, his control unraveling. “fuck, i’m close too—so close,” he gasped, his cock throbbing inside the condom, still buried deep, pulsing with every clench of your cunt around him. the way your walls squeezed him each time he rubbed over that spot—it was too much, too perfect.

you clung to his shoulders, nails pressing half-moon imprints into his skin as your thighs began to shake uncontrollably. you rolled your hips forward, just a little, and his finger pressed harder to your clit as he gasped out your name.

that was it.

your orgasm hit like lightning, white-hot and overwhelming. you cried out, your voice a broken sob of his name, your body locking tight around him. he felt every twitch, every contraction as you fell apart in his arms.

his hips bucked once, twice, and he buried himself as deep as he could, cock swelling, spurting into the condom as he came with a low, guttural groan against your neck. 

his hands clutched your waist as you both trembled through the aftershocks, breath mingling in broken pants and gasps, bodies locked together in a perfect, trembling knot.

you were still pulsing around him, thighs twitching, mouth open and eyes glazed, his cock softening slowly inside you. his hand lingered between your legs, rubbing you gently through the afterglow until you whined and squirmed from the sensitivity.

“hey,” hyunjin whispered, brushing your hair back with a hand. his other arm stayed wrapped around your waist, holding you close, eyes soft. “you did so well, baby. so, so good for me.”

you shifted slightly, thighs sore, core still pulsing. with care, you lifted yourself off of him, wincing just a little at the sensitivity. hyunjin’s hands steadied you as you moved, his eyes never leaving your face.

“i got it,” he said, sitting up slightly despite the stiffness in his brace. he pulled the condom off, tying it quickly before tossing it into the small trash bin beside his bed. then he reached for the tissue box on the nightstand.

his touch was gentle as he wiped between your thighs—tender, almost reverent, like you were something sacred. “still okay?” he asked, voice low and sweet.

you nodded, cheeks flushed. “yeah. i promise.”

he nodded too, lips pressed together like he was holding back something bigger than a smile. he cleaned himself next, wincing slightly as he adjusted his leg again, then tossed the tissues away and reached out for you.

“c’mere.”

you didn’t hesitate. you crawled back into his arms, your body folding against his like you belonged there—because you did. he pulled the blanket up over you both, tucking it behind your shoulders, then tucked your head under his chin.

he exhaled slowly, the kind of breath that let everything finally settle. his hand found your back again, drawing lazy circles as your breathing began to match his.

you yawned softly, the kind that made your whole body rise and fall with it, head burrowing a little deeper into his chest. the sound made hyunjin smile—tired, full, quiet.

he kissed the top of your head gently.

“y/n,” he murmured, his voice barely above the hum of the bedside lamp.

“mhm?” you replied, eyes still closed, voice muffled into his skin.

he paused. you could feel it in the way his chest stilled under your cheek—like something shifted. his fingers stilled too, resting softly against your spine.

“what would you say,” he said slowly, “if i told you volleyball isn’t my life anymore?”

your eyes opened at that, the sentence settling slowly into your sleep-fogged mind. you tilted your head slightly, just enough to see him. “what?”

hyunjin didn’t answer right away.

his eyes flicked toward the ceiling again, lips parted like the words were there, just stuck somewhere behind his teeth. you waited, watching the way his throat bobbed in a slow swallow, the way his arm tightened just slightly around your waist.

you blinked, still half-draped over him, heart starting to thud with a dull ache. “what do you mean?” you asked, your voice quieter now. “it’s always been your life.”

“i know,” he murmured. his voice was low—like he didn’t want to scare the words away.

his hand drifted slowly along your back, thumb brushing the curve of your spine. “it always was. volleyball… it used to be everything. but ever since this injury…” he paused, inhaling shakily. “i’ve come to learn things. about myself. about life.”

you looked up at him then, brows drawing together, curiosity flickering behind the sleep still clinging to your eyes. “like what?”

he didn’t answer right away. just stared up at the ceiling, as if the words were etched into the plaster and he was tracing them with his eyes.

“i’ve learned that it’s always been something else,” he said, so quietly you almost missed it.

you blinked. “something else?”

his eyes stayed on the ceiling, but you felt the way his fingers flexed gently against your waist, like he was anchoring himself in the feel of you.

“over the sport,” he continued, voice barely above a whisper. “even when i didn’t realize it. even when i said volleyball was my whole world.”

you shifted slightly, propping yourself up on your elbow now, your gaze searching his face. “hyun… what could possibly mean more to you than volleyball?”

his eyes flicked down to meet yours.

he didn’t say anything.

not a word.

just looked at you—really looked—like you were the only thing that made sense in a world that had stopped making any. his lips parted like he might speak, but nothing came out. no dramatic confession. no flourish of words.

just silence.

and then, softly—so soft you barely heard yourself—you said, “oh.”

it hit you all at once.

you.

it was you.

you were the something else.

the thing bigger than the game. you were the only thing he was holding onto when everything else had slipped.

you laid your hand over his heart, feeling it thump unevenly beneath your palm.

you blinked hard, the weight of it pressing into your chest. “where is this coming from?” you asked quietly, eyes never leaving his.

hyunjin’s gaze dropped again, drifting toward the edge of the blanket between you. he swallowed.

“that day,” he said slowly, “when my coach came to see me after the surgery.”

you waited, heartbeat skipping.

“he told me something.”

you sat up a little straighter, heart inching into your throat. “what is it?”

he hesitated, like saying it out loud might split something wide open all over again. his fingers found the hem of your shirt and tugged at it absentmindedly, grounding himself in the soft cotton and your even softer skin beneath it.

“i was scouted,” he said finally. “before the injury.”

your breath caught.

his voice was steady, but quiet. “there was a team. a higher league. semi-pro. they were gonna offer me a spot.”

your lips parted, but nothing came out.

“i didn’t know,” he added. “he was going to tell me after the game. but after i got hurt… they pulled the offer. said they couldn’t take the risk.”

you felt your heart twist, like something inside you folded over on itself.

“i would’ve said yes,” he admitted, eyes fixed somewhere far away. “if i hadn’t gotten injured, i would’ve gone. even if it was across the country”

the silence pressed in around you again—thick and heavy.

“but after everything that happened,” he continued, voice thinner now, like he was peeling something vulnerable straight off his ribs, “i don’t know if that choice would have been the same.”

you stared at him, your fingers tightening slightly where they rested on his chest. “what do you mean?”

hyunjin’s gaze stayed distant for a moment, somewhere just past your shoulder, like he was still watching a version of himself walk away without looking back.

“i mean…” he exhaled, slow and unsteady, “i used to think i’d drop everything if the opportunity came. no questions. i thought that was the only path that mattered. that if i didn’t take it, i’d be nothing.”

he looked at you again, and the rawness in his eyes almost knocked the breath out of you.

“but then i got hurt. and everything stopped. and you were still there.”

you didn’t speak—you just waited, the knot in your throat growing tighter by the second.

“and for the first time,” he said, voice barely above a whisper, “i had to sit in the stillness. in the silence. and all i could think about was you. not the scouts. not the stats. not the path i’d worked my whole life for. just… you.”

his thumb brushed absentmindedly along your hip.

your chest ached.

not in the way it used to when he was on the court and you were in the stands, watching him soar.

this ache was deeper. heavier. like your heart finally understood the cost of everything he’d carried—and everything he was letting go of.

you leaned in slowly, your forehead pressing gently to his, your breaths mingling in the soft space between words.

“you’re everything to me as well,” you whispered, voice trembling slightly, “but… i prepared myself for anything, hyun. i always knew volleyball came first. i knew it was your number one. and i never wanted to be the thing that got in the way.”

his hands found your face, cupping your cheeks like he couldn’t believe you were even saying that.

“but it’s not,” he said, firm now. immediate. like the words had been waiting just beneath his ribs. “it’s not anymore.”

you blinked, lips parting, but he kept going— his eyes locked on yours.

“it used to be. it used to be everything. but that version of me…” he exhaled, shaky but sure, “he didn’t know what it felt like to almost lose you. to really see what we have. what we built. that version of me didn’t know how much this” his thumb brushed beneath your eye “could wreck me in the best way.”

he leaned his forehead harder into yours now, eyes fluttering closed.

“you’re not in the way,” he murmured. “you’re the way forward.”

you let out a sound between a breath and a sob, something quiet and broken and whole at the same time. your hands slid up to hold his wrists, grounding him just as much as he was grounding you.

“i didn’t want you to have to choose,” you whispered. “but i’m so glad you did.”

“i didn’t choose because i had to,” he said. “i chose because i finally saw what mattered.”

and then you were kissing him.

because they weren’t.

not when your hearts already knew.

you breathe in.

let it out.

all you can focus on is the ball.

the sun’s high, white-hot above you, and the roar of the ocean fades into a blur behind the thud of your heart and the beat of your bare feet in the sand. everything else—voices, heat, even the sting of sunscreen in your eyes—melts away. you watch the opposing server toss the ball up. perfect arc. sharp spin.

and then—smack. it’s coming.

you move, knees bend, arms out. you bump it up to your teammate, the ball floating clean and high. she’s already there, ready. you sprint toward the net, muscles burning, the sand pulling at your ankles like it’s trying to slow you down but it won’t—not this time.

your friend sets. high. wide. just how you like it.

you jump.

arms raised, eyes locked on the ball as it hangs in that slow-motion drop of gravity.

and then—

hands.

fast ones.

hyunjin.

he’s already there. tall and smug and laughing as he blocks your spike like he was born to ruin your day. the ball ricochets off his hands with a satisfying smack, straight back into your side of the court.

point: him.

you groan, letting yourself fall dramatically into the sand.

“are you serious?” you yell, spitting a bit of hair from your mouth as you push yourself back up. “you couldn’t let me have one?”

he’s already on the other side of the net, grinning so hard his eyes crinkle.

you narrow your eyes. “oh, that’s it.”

he sees it—your posture, the way you start dusting sand off your knees with purpose—and his grin widens into something almost nervous.

“y/n,” he warns, backing up a step. “let’s not do this—”

you duck under the net without a word.

he yelps.

“you’re insane!” he shouts, already turning, already running—feet kicking up clouds of sand as you sprint after him.

“you’re dead!” you call back, laughter bubbling in your throat as your feet pound across the beach.

he’s fast, but you’re faster.

he bolts for the shoreline like it’s his last line of defense, chest heaving, arms flailing a little as he yells back, “you’re gonna ruin my hair!”

“i’m gonna ruin your whole life!”

by the time he reaches the water, it’s too late. you’re right behind him, and he dives into the shallows with a splash, trying to put distance between you like the ocean’s suddenly his new home turf.

you charge in after him without hesitation. the cold water smacks against your legs, but you don’t stop. 

you launch yourself forward, leaping onto his back with a triumphant shout. he staggers, arms pinwheeling as he lets out a loud, delighted, “agh!” before catching your legs instinctively.

“you menace!” he laughs, gripping your thighs to keep you from sliding off. “you were actually trying to take me down!”

“i succeeded,” you declare proudly, clinging to him like a backpack as he spins in a slow, splashing circle. “it’s justice for that block.”

“justice my ass,” he grumbles, but he’s grinning too wide to mean it.

you wriggle off his back and drop into the water beside him with a splash, waves slapping against your sides as you gather both hands full of seawater.

“don’t you dare—”

splash.

right in his face.

you’re already sticking your tongue out at him, playful and smug. “oops.”

he shakes his head, then tips it forward sharply, water flying off his hair like a wet golden retriever.

“ugh,” he says through the dripping mess, “i hate you.”

you raise a brow, wading back a step, hands spread in mock offense. “you do not.”

he glares at you—then ruins it with a grin.

“no,” he says, stepping closer, sloshing through the surf until he’s right in front of you. “i really, really don’t.”

you barely have time to breathe before he leans in and kisses you—warm and smiling against your mouth like he can’t help himself. you break the kiss with a grin, breathless and glowing, then splash one last bit of water onto his chest before turning to wade out of the surf.

“c’mon,” you call over your shoulder. “i need a towel before i start growing gills.”

hyunjin jogs after you, still dripping, grabbing your hand just as you hit the edge of the beach. the sun’s warm against your skin now, sticky with salt and laughter, and your friends are scattered across the sand—some sprawled out tanning, others still bickering over who’s winning the volleyball rematch.

you find your towel half-buried under a tote bag and collapse onto it with a happy sigh. hyunjin flops beside you with the grace of a man who has zero shame about tracking wet sand onto everything.

he starts towel-drying his hair while you lean back on your elbows. that’s when you notice the sketchbook tucked beside his bag, its pages curling a little in the heat.

“oooh,” you hum, reaching for it. “whatcha working on?”

he lifts his head, a little surprised, then wipes his hands on the towel and scoots closer. “you can look,” he says, reaching out to open it to the latest page.

you blink.

it’s the beach. this exact beach—down to the curve of the shoreline and the way the volleyball net leans slightly in the wind. but what gets you is the color. the emotion in it. the tiny splash of a figure in the water, mid-jump, arms outstretched like she’s flying.

“hyun…” you say, voice soft, awed. “this is beautiful.”

he shrugs, ducking his head a little. “just messing around.”

you look at him, fully. “don’t do that. don’t downplay it. this is crazy good.”

his cheeks flush, but he smiles as he flips to the next page—another sketch, this one of his teammates gathered around a bench.

“y/n,” he says, leaning back on one arm, gaze drifting out toward the water, “i’ve been meaning to tell you something.”

you glance at him, curious. “what is it?”

he bites his bottom lip, then says, “the university’s letting me switch my major. i’m going into kinesiology.”

your mouth drops open. “what?”

he grins. “yeah. like, officially. rehab sciences. sports performance. biomechanics. they even said i could tailor a track toward athletic recovery and art-based therapy if i submit a proposal.”

you blink rapidly, heart swelling so fast it nearly bursts. “hyunjin, that’s… that’s amazing. that’s so you.”

his gaze flicks to yours. “you think?”

“i know.” you reach out and squeeze his hand. “i’m so proud of you.”

his fingers curl around yours, warm and a little sandy.

“thanks,” he murmurs, eyes soft. “i didn’t think i’d ever get excited about a future that didn’t have a court in it.”

“you don’t need a court to make an impact,” you say, nudging him gently. “you just need a place to land.”

he smiles at that.

then he kisses the back of your hand, quick and bashful, like he’s still getting used to this version of life—one where he’s building something new, with you beside him.

you let the moment sit there, warm and full, before you smirk.

“a place to land,” you repeat. “y’know… preferably without tearing anything this time.”

before you can blink, his fingers are at your sides.

“hyun—” you shriek, twisting away as he pounces. “don’t you—ah!”

he tickles you mercilessly, fingers digging into all your worst spots as you writhe and kick, laughing so hard you can barely breathe.

“say sorry!” he demands, grinning like a madman.

“never!”

he wiggles his fingers harder. “say it!”

“fine—fine!” you gasp, tears streaming down your cheeks from laughter. “i’m sorry! you’re a graceful athlete with good landing skills!”

he finally stops, letting you collapse against the towel in a breathless heap. you’re flushed, still giggling, your hand swatting weakly at his arm.

“you’re evil,” you mumble.

he stretches out beside you, completely at peace. “you started it.”

you glance over at him, watching the way the sunlight catches the curve of his smile, the softness in his eyes, the way he’s looking at you like you’re the only thing he wants to see today—or maybe ever.

and somehow, with your hair a mess and your clothes damp and your skin covered in sand, it hits you all at once.

you’ve got it all figured out.

this boy. this life. this love.

you didn’t know if the pieces would fit—through injuries and arguments and fear—but they did.

they do.

hyunjin nudges you gently with his foot, still smiling. “what are you staring at?”

you hum, scooting a little closer. “just the rest of my life.”

he blinks.

then grins.

and says, “looks good from here.”

[meanhore]

re-read for the 2637477x time. i'll never get bored of this fic. holy fuck, this feels beautifully intimate for me.

[jj-one]

EPISODE 1: HELP! MY HOT GIRLFRIEND CAUGHT ME CRYING AFTER GIVING HEAD! (NOT CLICKBAIT)

this is smut, do not interact if under 18

jisung thought tutoring the hottest girl on campus would ruin his GPA— not his pants. one month later, he’s somehow getting called ‘pretty’ mid-thrust and offering you pocky as a post-orgasm snack.

pairing: nerd!han jisung x popular!f!reader, established relationship genre/tags: college au, smut, fluff, jisung is a loser with a capital L, humor sprinkled in bc i’m unserious asf, lots of references to anime and other dumb stuff, lowkey perv!jisung, dry humping, oral (f. receiving), piv, protected s*x, kinda subby!jisung but he’s still a whore lol words: 5.4k (wasn’t expecting it to be this long… guess i yap too much)

[ note. ] — i had to make another nerd!ji fic bc i literally cannot stop thinking about him 😣 feel free to read my other fic for more context since it’s set in the same universe but i wanted to make a smut ver so here we areeee <33 also, i will be making more parts eventually, hence why it’s labeled as ‘episode 1’ so stay tuned for more !

cross posted to AO3

Jisung thought for sure that was going to die a virgin. Not in a sad, self-loathing kind of way, but more in a “yeah, that checks out,” kind of way. The type of peaceful resignation one might have while unplugging a broken router for the eighth time before crying into a bowl of instant ramen. Because guys like him— guys who quoted Dragon Ball Z unironically, who panicked when girls sat next to them in lecture halls, who built custom keyboards for fun and screamed at League. They didn’t date girls like you.

And they most definitely didn’t sleep with girls like you.

Still, that didn’t keep him from fantasizing. Constantly, shamelessly, unhingedly.

He’d never known what it felt like to have warm walls wrapped around his cock. Never heard those broken whines girls in hentai would make— unless he counted the ones he accidentally let out when he edged himself too long. His hand was simply never enough, no matter how many times he convinced himself he could “recreate the pressure.”

The bottle of lotion and box of tissues on his nightstand weren’t even hidden anymore— they sat like holy relics beside his gaming PC, ready for immediate access the second he closed League and opened incognito mode.

Porn never fully satisfied his craving though, he always wanted more. Even the best JAV compilation or doujinshi fan dub couldn’t compare to the real sickness consuming his brain: you.

You, with the glossy Instagram that he scrolled through like it was the damn Louvre. You, wearing micro bikinis in pool selfies with captions like ‘hot girl summer’ while he rots in bed, sweating and crying at the curvature of your ass.

You, biting your glittery, gel pen in class, leaning across the desk to ask for help, accidentally flashing a glimpse of cleavage so dangerous it made him pause mid-equation like he got hit with a stun grenade. Stalking your Instagram, seeing you in the tiniest baby tees and mini skirts. It was the perfect gooner material.

He’d stroke himself under the covers while biting a t-shirt to keep quiet, muttering your name between gasps like he was summoning a spirit. Fantasies playing out in his head that ranged from soft and romantic— like kissing you breathless during office hours— to completely feral, like bending you over his anime pillow while you called him “pretty boy” and ruined his life.

It didn’t help that you flirted with him now.

That you asked him to tutor you.

That you sat so close during study sessions he could sense your perfume from a mile away and taste the salt from the fries you always stole off his plate.

You laughed at his jokes, called him cute, even once said he had “nice hands,” and he nearly evaporated on the spot. Had to excuse himself to the bathroom with a boner and a prayer.

Every night ended the same. Him, fisting his cock in pathetic desperation at the thought of your pussy swallowing him whole, whispering ‘please’ like a man on the verge of religious enlightenment.

And every night, after he came all over his own stomach, out of breath and guilt-ridden, he’d sigh dramatically and say,

“I’m going to die alone. I know it. I’ll be the guy with the Zero Two body pillow and the unopened condom pack from 2017 that he keeps in case of a miracle.”

He did not, under any circumstances, expect you to be that miracle.

Never in a million years did he think he’d actually have a chance, let alone be dating you. You were just too perfect. The literal girl of his dreams.

Popular. Gorgeous. Cool in the kind of way that made any and everyone want to be around you without knowing why. You had that magnetic charm about you, an easily contagious laugh, a confident stride when you walk, and that dangerous habit of licking your lip gloss mid-sentence like you were in a CW drama.

And yet, somehow, here he was, currently horizontal on his bed, shirtless, breathless, with you on top of him wearing his oversized Bleach t-shirt and not much else, grinning like you’d just won first place in a science fair and a dance battle.

“Are you glitching?” You asked, poking his cheek. “Do I need to unplug you and plug you back in?”

“I- uh- w-what? No- yes? No.” He stuttered like every word had just magically left his vocabulary, he was definitely malfunctioning.

You laughed, head dropping onto his bare chest as he laid stiff as a board, arms hovering midair like he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to touch you even now. Even after dating you for a whole month.

“A month,” he whispered, still stunned by the timeline. “That’s like… thirty days of you voluntarily being seen with me.”

“Thirty one,” you corrected, lifting your head to smirk down at him. “Don’t forget the bonus day where you kissed me in front of the vending machine and the entire basketball team clapped.”

“I thought I was going to throw up.”

“You looked like you did throw up.”

Jisung covered his face with both hands and groaned.

God, he still didn’t know how this happened. When you had asked him to tutor you in stats, he assumed you were just kidding— or high. But you weren’t. You’d actually shown up. You’d flirted, sat on his lap one time when all the seats were taken at the library, and then acted like it was no big deal while his soul left his body.

And now here you were. Straddling him. Teasing him. Literally wearing his t-shirt with the anime print on it and calling him “baby” in the kind of voice that should be illegal.

“You’re so tense, Sungie,” you murmur, lightly dragging your fingers down his chest. “I know you like it when I touch you. You make these cute little gasps like a baby bird.”

“I-I don’t sound like a baby bird,” he mumbled, absolutely sounding like a baby bird.

You leaned down, lips brushing the shell of his ear.

“Chirp.”

Jisung squeaked.

You lost it, giggling into his neck while he covered his blushy face with a pillow. “Oh my god, stopp- why are you like this- why did you choose me,”

“Because you’re smart, and sweet, and you get all flustered when I call you hot. And because,” you sat up again, hips rolling ever so slightly and watching his pupils blow wide as you rocked against his clothed erect, “you say things like ‘This is just like my fanfic’ under your breath and then deny it.”

He groaned at the sudden friction, arms falling limp at his sides. “You heard that?”

“Babe, I hear everything. Like right now, I can hear how bad you want me to ride you.” You bit your lip, feeling your wetness growing at a rapid pace as you continuously grind on him.

Jisung whimpered. “Okay. I- this is really happening, right? This isn’t like, some kind of VR dream or like a… cursed hentai plotline where I wake up and you’re actually a sentient toaster?”

You blinked. “What the hell kind of anime are you watching?”

He slapped a hand over his eyes. “Nevermind, pretend I didn’t say that..”

You kissed him then. Slowly. Tenderly. Like you had all the time in the world and like you couldn’t believe your luck either. Because yeah, you were the cool girl, but Jisung was the first guy who actually listened when you talked. Who remembered your favorite boba order. Who’d stayed up until 3 am tutoring you and still walked you to your dorm with sleepy, nerdy affection twinkling in his eyes.

So yeah, you were gonna roast him forever— but you were also gonna ruin him tonight.

“Hey, baby,” you whispered, reaching down to tug his sweatpants lower.

Jisung was in the midst of catching his breath like he’d just run a marathon. “Y-yeah?”

“After I make you cum, will you tell me all about the sentient toaster anime?”

“…Maybe.”

+

“Okay,” Jisung panted, curling into your side like a baby koala clinging to its mother, “that was better than every hentai I’ve ever seen.”

You snorted into his shoulder. “High praise coming from the man who owns a $300 body pillow.”

“She was limited edition!” He quickly defends himself.

You playfully roll your eyes, kissing his flushed cheek. “So are you, Sungie. So are you.”

And yeah, Jisung still thought he was going to die a virgin once upon a time.

But now, wrapped in your arms with kiss marks littering his neck and your laughter still echoing in his ears— he was just really, really glad that he’s been proven wrong.

+

The moment you straddled Jisung and kissed him again, something shifted in the room.

And not just him having an outer-body experience for the sixth time in an hour.

You pulled back from his lips to look around, and the first thing you said was, “Okay, I have to say it- your room is the most aggressively virgin-coded space I’ve ever been in.”

“I told you not to look too closely!” He whined, burying his face into your neck as you giggled and craned to inspect the chaos surrounding you.

“Let’s see…” you started ticking things off on your imaginary list. “Anime wall scrolls? Check. Neon RGB light strips that make your room look like a gaming dungeon? Check. Is that Hatsune Miku in a glass case next to middle school spelling bee trophies?”

He groaned. “They’re collector’s items—”

“You were runner-up in 8th grade and you framed it.”

“I peaked early, okay?!”

You laughed so hard you fell forward onto his chest. “I love you.”

He froze. “Wh-what?”

You blinked. “I said I love you.”

He looked like you’d just offered him a lifetime supply of ramen and also stabbed him in the heart.

“…I love you too,” he whispered, barely getting it out before he hid under the covers.

You tugged the blanket back down just enough to see his red face. “Hey. Don’t hide. I wanna see you. Look so pretty when you blush.”

“PRETTY?!” He yelped.

You nodded in confirmation, brushing hair off his forehead. “Mmhm. Prettiest boy I’ve ever seen. Especially like this- messy hair, pink cheeks, all breathless under me…”

He made the most broken noise you’d ever heard.

His hands gripped your hips like he didn’t know what to do with them, like he was trying not to crush you or himself with how desperate he felt. His eyes were dark now, glazed and locked onto your every move as you slowly ground against the bulge in his sweats.

“This is real, right?” He meant to ask that in his head but blurted it out instead, voice slightly cracking. “This is really happening?”

You kissed the corner of his mouth. “Feels pretty real to me, baby.”

At this point Jisung was spiraling.

Not just emotionally. No, that happened daily.

This was a full-system shutdown.

You’d tugged your shirt off without warning and smiled down at him like it was the most casual thing in the world, and now his hands were hovering awkwardly mid-air like he wasn’t sure if he had permission to touch you or if he was being Punk’d by the gods of horny delusion.

Your skin. Your smile. Your fucking tits.

And worse— worse— as your fingers brushed through his messy brown locks and your thighs shifted over his hips, his brain suddenly screamed,

‘I can’t believe I’m about to get pussy before Jeongin.’

Jeongin, his slightly cooler, slightly taller, still-a-virgin roommate who had three rotating Discord kittens and a suspicious amount of cologne but somehow still never scored.

Jeongin, who walked around shirtless after push-up sessions and said things like “it’s not rizz, it’s charisma” unironically. Jeongin, who once said “I want my first time to be passionate and respectful” but also accidentally downloaded a virus trying to pirate a hentai dating sim.

Jisung had always assumed if one of them was gonna make it out of virginhood first, it’d be the guy with the Uzumaki clan symbol tattooed on his ribs and a social life.

But no.

It was him. Han Jisung. The guy who owned a limited-edition anime titty mousepad and squeaked like a kettle when a girl touched his arm. And now? You were grinding up against him slowly, teasingly, and he was barely clinging to reality.

“Y/n,” he whimpered, clutching your waist like you’d float away. “Can I- can I eat you out? Pleasepleaseplease.”

You blinked rapidly.

“…You wanna—?”

“So bad,” he choked. “I think about it all the time. Like in class. And when I watch those ‘how to’ videos online. Like, the diagram ones, not the porn ones, though I watched those too- but like educationally! For science!”

You stared blankly.

He was sweating.

“Okay,” you said softly, brushing your thumb over his cheek. “You’re really cute when you beg, y’know that?”

He nearly ascended.

You barely had time to giggle before he flipped you gently onto your back, hair falling into his eyes as he ducked down between your thighs like a man on a mission from God. His hands trembled as he slid your shorts down, breath hitching at the sight of your soaked panties.

“Oh my god,” he breathed out. “It’s real.”

You snorted. “What were you expecting? A hologram?”

“I don’t know!” He cried. “I was starting to believe you were some kind of high-level succubus sent to punish virgins.”

You cupped his flushed face. “Wouldn’t be the worst punishment.”

And then he locks in— eyes meeting yours as he sticks his tongue out, licking a long, fat stripe across your clothed slit. Soft. Slow. As if he was trying to memorize you with his tongue, the heat of it makes you jolt. He’s not just tasting you— he’s learning you, tracing intricate patterns with his tongue like he’s trying to decode you one flick at a time. Every motion is precise yet hungry, like he’s writing a love letter in Morse code directly to your pussy. His glasses slipping adorably down the bridge of his nose, solely focused on pleasing you.

You gasped at the feel of him against you, the pressure of his mouth sent heat curling low in your belly, it was torture. Too much and not enough. You needed to feel him without the barrier of soaked lace clinging to your folds, and he must’ve read your mind, because he groaned like he was the one being denied. He kissed your pussy like he was thanking it, mouthing over your clothed core before dragging open-mouthed kisses across your inner thighs, leaving your skin slick with spit and bites to your inner thighs. Your teeth sank into your bottom lip, everything about him felt so warm.

His teeth grazed you— playful, hungry— and your hips twitched as he whispered something nasty under his breath, half to himself, half to your cunt. By the time he slid your panties down, your thighs were trembling, tossing the flimsy fabric aside carelessly, like he didn’t care where they landed, only that they were gone. Then he buried his face between your legs like you’d been starving him for his entire life.

His tongue slipped between your folds, hot and greedy, lapping up everything you gave him like it was the sweetest thing he’d ever tasted. He flicked up and down with obscene precision, wet, messy, relentless— his nose bumping your clit as he moaned deep in his throat, like he needed this, like the taste of you could make or break him. You were soaked, legs shaking, lips parted in a silent cry, and all he did was keep eating like he was trying to crawl inside you with his tongue.

You were loving the way it feels, every bit of you being hit with electricity. Your fingers tangled in his hair the second his mouth met your pussy, gripping tight, yanking just enough to make him groan into you like he was grateful for the pain. He never slowed down. If anything, it made him hungrier, tongue flattening against your slit before flicking up again, sloppy and fast and fucking filthy.

“God- fuck, you’re so messy,” you gasped, thighs twitching around his head. “You like that? Being my dirty little mouth toy?”

He moaned. Moaned. Into your pussy.

Nodding obediently, even as you tugged harder, grinding him closer. His glasses were long gone, hair disheveled, chin dripping with spit and slick as he slurred out something unintelligible against your clit. His tongue working overtime like he was trying to spell your name in cursive with every flick.

“Holy shit,” he mumbled, words caught in his throat. “I could live here.”

You threw your head back with a laugh— and then a sharp gasp as he got bolder, messier, more desperate. His hands kept you spread, his tongue curling and licking and worshipping like this was the only chance he’d ever get. He was sure that he’d jizz his pants just from giving you head— sure it’s pathetic, maybe even tragic. But he couldn’t help it. You were just too hot, too perfect, too fucking unreal, and the taste of you on his tongue, the feel of your thighs squeezing around his head, it was better than anything his fist or filthy imagination had ever given him.

Your fingers remain tangled in his hair, holding onto him for anchorage. He looked up at you with glassy, pleading eyes, the lower half of his face glistening with your arousal and rosy cheeks. “Tell me I’m doing okay? Please? I read five articles about this. I practiced on a peach.”

You gasped. “You practiced on what?!”

“Nevermind. Just- keep calling me pretty. I swear I’ll die happy right here.”

You tugged his head back down, voice ragged and ruined.

“Then make me cum, pretty boy.”

And he did.

Like a man with something to prove.

Like a nerdy little virgin who had just found his true calling.

Your eyes closed shut at the feeling, falling apart at the seams. Every stroke of his tongue making your insides tighten. You suddenly couldn’t remember how breathing worked, all you saw were flashes of white invading your vision, cumming so hard that you almost saw stars. You cried out, high and broken, hands grasping at his head as you came hard against his mouth.

Jisung moaned through it— loud and messy— tongue never letting up, licking you through every twitch, every gasp, every last jolt of overstimulation until you were tugging at his hair for dear life and gasping for air. Only then did he pull back, lips shiny, eyes half-lidded, face absolutely drenched, and smiling like he just beat the final boss of his entire life.

Somewhere in the past twenty minutes between Jisung nuzzling your thighs like a man starved and moaning like he was the one cumming, you had apparently blacked out, transcended the mortal plane, and been reborn as a puddle of girl.

Now, you lay sprawled across his unmade bed, fully clothed from the waist up and violently ruined from the waist down, chest heaving, eyes wet and glassy, one sock half-off your foot like a casualty of war.

And Jisung?

Jisung was cuddled up beside you like the world’s horniest golden retriever, chin resting on your shoulder, looking so smug and soft it was almost offensive.

You could still feel the ghost of his tongue between your legs.

“You sure you’ve never done this before?” You croaked out, blinking up at the ceiling like it had answers.

Jisung tilted his head innocently. “What, that? Nah. I just… researched. A lot. And I… uh, practiced on a fruit.”

You turned your head slowly. “Was it the peach again?”

“…It might’ve also been a mango. For tongue agility. But I named it after you, so it was romantic!”

You tried to snort, but it came out as a wheeze. “I can’t feel my legs, Jisung.”

He beamed. “Thank you.”

“That wasn’t a compliment.”

“Still taking it as one.”

He leaned in and kissed your cheek, then your nose, then your forehead like he hadn’t just destroyed your entire nervous system with his mouth.

“I feel like I just unlocked a secret side quest,” he victoriously cheered. “‘Satisfy hot girlfriend until she sees God.’ Bonus XP for oral stamina. Am I your favorite now?”

You blinked at him, still fighting for air. “I don’t even know my name right now. You’ve ruined me.”

Jisung squeaked and tucked his face into your neck, practically vibrating with joy. “You’re gonna make me cry.”

“You should. I saw the afterlife. It was just a video game buffering screen.”

He laughed, then rolled onto his back with a dramatic sigh. “I can’t believe this is real. You’re real. Your thighs are real. I had a girlfriend and head privileges all in the same night. I feel like I need to call my mom.”

“Please don’t.”

“Too late. She deserves to know her son peaked.”

You smacked him lightly with the nearest pillow, still grasping for air, still dazed.

And then he smiled at you— so big, so genuine, so sickeningly in love that your tired heart clenched.

“I’d do it again in a heartbeat, y’know,” he mumbled, brushing hair from your face. “Just say the word.”

You looked at him, the boy with anime figures on his shelf, lotion still on his desk, and love in his eyes, pulling him in for a kiss.

“Next time,” you whispered, “I’m returning the favor.”

Mindlessly reaching into his sweats, the second your hand wrapped around his length, you froze.

“…Jisung.”

“H-huh?”

You gave a blank expression. Looking down. Looking back up.

“This is- you’re.. how is this even—?”

“I DON’T KNOW,” he cried. “IT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE, I’M ONLY 5’7!”

You stared at him like he just told you he had a second life as a Marvel superhero.

“Oh my god, I just assumed you’d be, like—”

“Average?!” He gasped, scandalized.

“No! I just- I mean- look at you! You’re this cute little nerd with anime socks and a keyboard with cat ears.. how are you packing all this?!”

You were in utter disbelief, there’s no way your sweet, stammering little boyfriend had been walking around with a dick that big and had no idea what kind of weapon he was carrying. Just raw, untapped dick potential— XL stats on a man who still apologizes when his knees crack too loud. Poor baby had been lugging around a whole third leg, and didn’t even know the first thing to do with it ;(

He simply shook his head, fully tomato red now, flailing beneath you like he was about to spontaneously combust. He watched you like he was afraid to blink. You pumped him once, slowly, watching him shiver under your touch. His lips parted. His back arched. You hadn’t even gotten started and he already looked completely ruined.

“Can I ride you?” You asked sweetly.

He nodded so fast his head could nearly fell off. “Yes. Yes, oh my god, yes- please, I’ll do anything.”

“Anything?” You cocked your eyebrow.

“I’ll uninstall League right now if you ask me to—”

You giggled as you rolled the condom down over him, letting his hands greedily grab at your thighs. He was panting, forehead glistening with a sheen of sweat, like his brain was overheating just from the anticipation.

Then you finally lowered yourself, sinking down onto him, gradually, feeling the way you take him so easily from being soaking wet. Jisung mumbles something illegible under his breath as your cunt swallows his cock whole. It didn’t take long for you to reach the end of him since you were already so ready for him, staying in the same position to feel all of him inside you. His cock was splitting you open so nicely, it felt like you were in utter paradise.

And he made the sound.

Like his soul physically left his body, floated into the air, and gave you a salute on the way out.

“F-fuck.. you’re tight, I can’t—” he clutched your waist, eyes fluttering. “I’m gonna die. This is it. This is how I go.” He desperately bucks into you, wanting to feel more movement from you.

You move your hips to match his rhythm as you gain your balance, pressing both hands on his shoulder blades. You bounce slightly up and down on his cock, feeling your walls being filled up by every inch of him. You shifted from grinding on him real slow to picking up your pace indefinitely. Jisung threw his head back against the pillow from the pleasure, the sound of his balls hitting against your ass with the combination of it jiggling as you rode him like a bunny was enough to make him want to burst on the spot.

You leaned down and give him a chaste kiss. “Best way to go, huh?”

He nods vehemently. “Please don’t stop. Ever. I’ll cancel my Crunchyroll subscription for you. I’ll stop buying figurines. I’ll even delete my Genshin account.”

“Okay, now you’re being dramatic.”

He groaned helplessly as you continuously rode him like your life depended on it, breath hitching with every drag of your hips. He was so sensitive, so overwhelmed with it all that he couldn’t stop moaning into your mouth, mumbling broken, incoherent things like, “You feel soso good,” and “I can’t believe I get to have this,” and “Am I still breathing? No? Cool.”

You kissed down his jaw, showing no signs of stopping. You knew this was going to be one of those moments you’d both play on loop in your heads for a long, long time. “Still pretty, baby.”

He pants out. “You’re gonna kill me.”

You simply keep moaning as you kept bouncing on his cock, he was thrusting back into you, going even deeper. Your eyes reaching the back of your skull from the way he was hitting all the right spots. It wouldn’t take long before you started screaming his name and showering him with endless compliments.

“You’re so fucking pretty, Ji.” You were a broken record at this point, nothing but your whines and his grunts filling the room. You felt tense, your clit was throbbing, the pressure build up making you dizzy. Jisung couldn’t keep his eyes off you for a second, the way your tits bounced through your shirt, the way your long acrylics dug into his skin, he wasn’t even sure how he was still alive.

This was better than any of those fake scenarios that he’d absentmindedly create in his head, better than finally beating a level that he’d get stuck on for hours. He was in pure heaven, and he felt his high approaching any minute.

“I-I think ’m gonna cum,” he desperately choked out, rocking into you like a dog in heat.

Jisung was wrecked beneath you. Hands fisting into the sheets, mouth agape, his eyes rolling back every time you sank down fully and clenched around him.

“Fuck, please- please, I-I can’t,” he whimpered, voice shaky, flushed all the way to the tips of his ears. His stomach tightening with every motion, trying so hard not to lose it.

You leaned forward and cupped his face, riding him a little harder, the slap of skin soft but steady. “You said you could take it, baby,” you whispered, voice syrup-sweet. “You begged for this.”

“I know, I- just- pleaseplease can I cum?” he panted, nearly on the verge of tears. His voice was raw, wrecked, like every second you didn’t let him was a cruel punishment. “’m so close, I’m- I’ll be good, I swear, just let me.. please—”

You seal his lips with yours, just to quiet the begging, grinning against his mouth as his hands fumbled for your hips again. He moaned into the kiss, his hips twitching helplessly under yours.

“You’re lucky you’re cute when you beg,” you airly chuckled, pulling back just enough to look down at him. His eyes were wild, glazed over, the pretty sounds he made were like music to your ears.

“Th-thank you,” he sobbed, the gratitude in his voice borderline ridiculous. “’m gonna- I’m- oh my god—”

And with that, he finally let go. Releasing every last drop of his seed into the condom, muscles tensing up, gripping you like you were his only tether to reality. He looked down to see your arousal creating a white, creamy ring around the base of his thick cock, almost about to cum again just from the mere sight alone. Your legs felt like jello, you were weightless, collapsing onto his sweaty, sticky chest as you try to catch your breath, brain all foggy in your post-coital daze.

You didn’t expect him to cry.

Okay— not, like, full sobbing. But a little misty-eyed? A little “what did I do to deserve this?” A sparkle in his gaze as you lay draped across his chest, both of you blissed out and glowing in the soft, RGB-lit afterglow?

Yeah.

He was trying so hard not to sniffle.

“You okay, baby?” You murmured, pressing a gentle kiss to the curve of his jaw.

Jisung nodded, eyes wide and glassy. “I just… I thought my first time would be like, awkward. Or disappointing. Or I’d accidentally sneeze into someone’s mouth and get banned from touching boobs forever.”

You laughed against his skin. “Definitely didn’t happen.”

“No,” he grins, wrapping his arms tighter around you, “this was better than anything I could’ve ever imagined in my head. Better than my first SSR pull in Genshin. Better than when I tried the seasonal spicy chicken ramen and lived.”

You tilted your head up to meet his eyes. “That’s a pretty long list of victories to beat.”

“You’re the only victory that matters.”

“Oh my god,” you groaned playfully, “who is this smooth man and what has he done with my sweaty, anime-obsessed virgin boyfriend?”

He huffed, burying his face into your hair. “He’s still sweaty and obsessed with anime. He just… also happens to be madly in love with you.”

You smiled into his chest.

“Also,” he added, completely deadpan, “I think I saw the shadow realm.”

You snorted. “When?”

“When you said I was pretty and grabbed my—” His voice cracked. He covered his face with his hands. “Oh my god, I can’t say it. My ancestors are watching.”

You giggled, shifting to lay next to him and intertwining your fingers with his.

And for a while, it was just quiet. Safe. His hand slowly brushing over your side. Your heartbeat syncing with his. The faint whir of his PC fan still spinning in the corner because, of course, he never actually shut it down.

Then he jolted upright suddenly, as if he remembered something urgent.

“Wait.”

You blinked up at him, amused. “What?”

He slid off the bed, naked except for one, singular sock and scurried to his cluttered desk. You watched, dazed and curious, as he fumbled with drawers and cracked open a cabinet that definitely shouldn’t have had food in it.

Finally, he turned around triumphantly. Holding out a white, rectangular box.

“Pocky.”

You stared. “…Seriously?”

“I always imagined I’d give my girlfriend Pocky after her first time with me,” he said solemnly. “Like a weird little anime reward.”

You sat up and grinned. “You are a weird little anime reward.”

He climbed back into bed beside you and opened the box, pulling out one, white chocolate-dipped stick and offering it with both hands like it was a sacred gift.

You bit it gently from his fingers.

“Mmm. You’re such a good boy,” you purred with a playful smile, “giving me snacks after ruining me.”

He short-circuited. Almost choking on his own Pocky. “You’re going to be the death of me.”

“I hope so.”

You kissed his cheek, then his nose, and then— just to mess with him— you whispered, “Still thinking about how big you are, by the way.”

Jisung made a noise so high-pitched it could only be heard by dogs. He flopped face down into the sheets, flailing helplessly while you laughed and straddled his back.

“You have to stop saying things like that,” he muffled into the pillow.

“Why?” You asked sweetly, brushing his hair back. “You’re my pretty boy. I’m just appreciating what’s mine.”

He peeked up at you, still pink, still glowing.

“…Promise you’re mine too?”

You leaned down and pressed your lips against his, soft and slow.

“Always.”

[meanhore]

i'm down bad for nerd jisung puh-lease, bless the author for this amazing fic.

[ghostlyscripture]

hot gum (saints).

synopsis: you never saw church as something to worship, but something to swear off. there were too many rules, too much to uphold, and you just weren’t made for the straight-laced nature of it all. jeongin was though—made for it, that is. when you slide into the pews some sunday on a drunken dare, you see him for the first time. after that? you make sure you’re the only thing on his mind.

pairings: churchgoer!jeongin x f!reader genre: smut, a touch of angst (if you squint) contains: corruption, religious guilt, innocence loss, virgin!jeongin, experienced!reader, smoking (reader smokes cigarettes), semi public sex (church bathroom hehehe), oral (m + f receiving), pet names (jagi, sweet boy, baby), making out, public teasing, panty stealing. there may be some warnings missing, so read with caution word count: 12.6k

now playing: hot gum - sofia isella

[a/n]: FIRST AND FOREMOST i’ve only been to church like- once. and it was 15+ years ago. that being said, i apologize if anything is blatantly wrong about the church system i’ve set up in this fic?? idk man, i just kinda went with the flow :p enjoy!!

— this has not been thorougly proof read

you don't believe in god, don’t believe in what the almighty supposedly has to offer you.

you do believe in entertainment, though.

that's why you're here, wedged into a polished oak pew that smells faintly of lemon polish and centuries of collective guilt. your best friend, hyora, digs her elbow into your ribs every time you so much as think about checking your phone.

the dare is a simple one: attend one full sunday service without complaint. succeed, and she'd cover your drinks next weekend. easy money, really. there wasn’t much thinking twice before you accepted her challenge.

you'd expected boredom, maybe some off-key organ music and a sermon about loving thy neighbor. the usual.

what you didn't expect, though, was this.

the church is a jewel box of stained glass and incense smoke, light pooling in reds and blues across marble flooring. the architecture demands reverence: vaulted ceilings that swallow sound and spit back echoes, brass fixtures that gleam like they're polished daily by someone's devoted grandfather.

it's theater, you realize. it’s gorgeous, manipulative theater designed to make you feel small and awestruck.

you're not awestruck.

after a while, the choir shuffles in. they’re all white robes and hymnals clutched to chests. they blend into one another, just like they’re meant to.

you're half-listening to the pastor's opening remarks when the singing starts, and that's when notice him. or, really, he makes himself noticed.

third row, second from the left.

dark hair falls just past his eyebrows, jaw sharp enough to cut glass, shoulders filling out his robe in a way that suggests he's broader than the fabric would like to suggest.

it's his face that stops you cold—eyes downcast, expression serene to the point of blankness, mouth forming each word of the hymn with careful precision.

he looks like a painting of devotion, something renaissance masters would've fought over for the chance of having him as a muse.

and just in case his visuals weren’t stunning enough to be cruel—unfair, even—his voice is a painting within itself.

his voice rises above the others, a clear tenor that seems to come from somewhere deeper than his chest. it's earnest and unguarded in a way that makes your teeth ache.

you blink once, twice. you lean forward subconsciously, studying him like he's a puzzle sent for you to solve.

it only takes a moment of your gaze on him for you to decide that god—whomever he may be—took his time with this boy.

"yang jeongin," hyora whispers, following your gaze. "youth group golden boy. voice of an angel, wouldn't hurt a fly, probably prays before meals even when he's alone."

you’re lip twitches. of course, all the pretty ones always have the most… choice hobbies.

"he always look that constipated while singing?"

hyora snorts, trying her best to disguise it as a cough when the woman in front of you turns to glare. you shoot her the most innocent smile you can muster.

"that's not constipation,” hyora whispers. “that's purity."

purity.

the word drops in your brain like a match striking tinder.

you spend the next several seconds gathering every detail you can: the way he doesn't let his gaze wander during the hymn, how his hands grip the hymnal like he fears it may fly away, the mindful space he maintains between himself and the soprano beside him.

it's armor, you realize.

he's wearing his devotion like a shield.

you take a breath, lips curling into something joyful as you continue to watch.

game start.

the service drags on—scripture readings, responsive prayers, a sermon about resisting temptation that feels just a little too on-the-nose—but you're barely listening.

why?

because you're watching jeongin.

you’re watching how he mouths along to the pastor's words. watching the slight furrow between his brows when the sermon turns to sin. the rigid set of his spine, like he's holding himself together through sheer force of will.

by the time the final hymn concludes and people start filing toward the exit, shaking hands and exchanging pleasantries, you've made up your mind.

"i'm going to talk to him," you tell hyora, already looking over your shoulder to watch jeongin and his pack of singing good-ol-boy’s walk in the opposite direction of the crowd.

hyora grabs your wrist. "don't you dare-"

"what?” you turn towards her with a raised brow. “i'm just going to ask about the music. it's called being polite."

"you don't have a single polite bone in your body." she retorts, but she's already grinning knowing damn well you’ll do it despite what she has to say. she's already calculating how good the story will be later.

you catch him near the choir room, still in his robe, hymnal tucked under one arm. he's talking to an older woman—his choir director, maybe—nodding so sincerely at whatever she's saying that you have to hold in a laugh.

when she leaves, he turns toward the hallway, and you step into his path.

"excuse me?" you call. you’re batting your lashes like it’s second nature.

jeongin stops short, eyes widening just slightly.

up close, he's even prettier—long lashes, fox eyes, lips that look perpetually on the verge of forming an apology. there's a faint pink flush across his cheekbones, like he's not used to being addressed directly.

"hi," he says softly, polite. his voice is even prettier outside of a holy hymn. it’su warm and a little unsure.

it’s unfair how perfect he is.

"hi. sorry to bother you, I just…" you gesture vaguely toward the sanctuary. "that last hymn? the harmony you did on the third verse was incredible. i don't know much about music, but that was really something."

everything that comes out of your mouth is a load of bullshit. not that he doesn’t sing well, he does, but you have no clue about harmonies or hymns.

you eye him carefully, praying he doesn’t catch onto your fib.

to your upmost enjoyment, the soft rose flush of his cheeks deepens. he ducks his head, and you catch the smallest smile tugging at his mouth.

good. you have an in.

"oh. thank you. that's… thank you. it's just, uh, it's a traditional arrangement, so I can't really take credit-"

"you sang it, though.” you cut him off. “that counts."

he looks up at you properly for the first time, and you watch him try to categorize you. you're not dressed for church—skirt that doesn’t go past your knees (sinful), shirt stretched tight enough to become a hint translucent (provocative), boots that click too loudly on the tile (disruptive). you can see the moment he decides you're an outsider. not a threat, maybe, but not safe.

not one to follow the faith.

"are you new here?" he asks. the question seems to burst from his lips, sudden and a little unsure.

cute.

"just visiting. friend dragged me." you tilt your head, letting your smile sharpen just a fraction. "might come back, though. the music's worth it."

his lips twitch, smile faltering. "that's... that's great. it's always nice to see new faces."

the words are automatic, youth-group-script perfect. his body language, on the other hand, screams please leave.

he shifts his weight, angles himself toward the exit, clutches the hymnal a little tighter.

you let the silence stretch just long enough to be uncomfortable, then step aside.

"anyway, i won't keep you. thanks for the show."

he blinks. "show?"

"the singing," you clarify, all innocence. "what else?"

you don't wait for an answer.

you turn and walk away, boots echoing down the hallway, and you don't need to look back to know he's still standing there, frozen, trying to figure out what just happened.

you wonder if he asks god for an answer.

outside, hyora is waiting by her car, scrolling through her phone. she looks up when you approach, eyebrows raised.

"well?"

you mimic her arched brow. "well what?"

"did you get his number? ask him out? scar him for life?"

you slide into the passenger seat, grinning. "i complimented his singing."

hyora turns the key to to ignition and the start of the engine is the only thing filling the silence between you. she waits for you to carry on, and when you don’t she asks “that’s it?”

"that's it."

hyora stares at you for a long moment, then groans. "fuckin’ hell, babe. you're going to be weird about this, aren't you?"

you let out a huff of laughter. "i have no idea what you mean."

but you do. you absolutely do.

because the look on his face when you said show? the split-second of confusion and something sharper, something almost like fear? that look is going to keep you up tonight. you're going to replay it again and again and again. dissect it. figure out exactly what it means and how to make it happen again.

hyora pulls out of the parking lot, shaking her head with something between a laugh and a disapproving scoff. "you're a menace."

"yeah," you agree, still smiling. "i know."

you reach for the pack of gum tucked in your bra—your only hope of a pocket due to the lack of such in your skirt—and pull out a back of bubble gum.

the sweetness of stick floods your tastebuds. it reminds you of him.

you don't mean to go back.

really, you don't.

the dare is over, hyora owes you drinks, and you've got better things to do than hanging around a church waiting for a pretty choir boy to notice you. but…

three days later, you're walking past the building on your way to nowhere in particular, and you see the side door propped open. voices drift out—harmony, laughter, someone counting off a beat.

choir practice.

you should keep walking.

you know you should keep walking.

but your feet carry you to the low wall near the entrance. you pull out a cigarette, leaning against the brick like you've got all the time in the world. and in this moment? you do. the smoke curls up toward the stained glass windows, and you think about hymns and halos and a particular flavor of forbidden fruit.

about ten minutes later the door swings open wider and people begin trickling out.

you spot jeongin immediately—button-down shirt rolled to his elbows, hair slightly mussed, choir folder tucked under one arm. he’s beautiful. he’s beautiful and he's laughing at something someone said and the sound is so genuine it almost makes you feel guilty.

almost.

he doesn't see you until he's halfway down the steps. when his eyes land on you, and his entire body goes still. you take a slow drag from your cigarette, holding his gaze, and blow the smoke out in a thin stream.

"hey," you call.

he glances around, like he's hoping you're talking to someone else. when it's clear you're not, he approaches slowly, the way you'd approach a stray dog you weren't sure was friendly.

fuck. he was adorable.

"hi," he says. he eyes your cigarette, then, almost apologetically: "we’re not supposed to smoke on church property."

we’re. an interesting choice of wording—he’s grouping you in with the rest of them.

"sorry." you're not. you drop the cigarette and crush it under your boot anyway, watching his shoulders relax a fraction. "didn't realize. i was just passing by and heard the music."

"oh," he shifts his folder from one arm to the other like he needs something other than you to focus on. "we practice most wednesdays. if you're interested in joining, you could talk to mrs. choi—she's the director-"

"i don't sing."

"oh," he says again.

the conversation has nowhere to go. you can see him calculating his exit.

before he can make an excuse, you smile. "you're jeongin, right?"

his eyes snap up to yours. "i- yes. how did you—"

"lucky guess."

it's not. hyora told you, but watching him try to puzzle out how you know his name is too entertaining to correct. he opens his mouth, closes it, gives himself a moment to think, then settles on a polite, confused smile.

"i should get going," he says. "it was nice seeing you again."

you tilt your head to the side, not dissimilar to a curious cat. you dig a stick of gum out of your back pocket and feed it past your lips. with a smile that’s all innocence, you let the wrapper fall to the concrete.

his eyes catch on your lips for a second long enough to be noticeable. wen the wrapper hits the floor he glances to it, pained.

"you too, jeongin."

you say his name like it's a secret, and he flinches. not much, just a slight twitch at the corner of his mouth. but you catch it.

he turns and walks toward the parking lot and you watch him go, already planning your next move in the game he didn’t even know he was apart of.

because this isn't over. not when it’s just begun.

it becomes a pattern.

every wednesday, you find yourself outside the church. you lean against the same wall, lighting the same brand of cigarettes you don't even particularly like.

it’s boredom. it’s curiosity. it’s entertainment.

jeongin notices. how could he not? the third week, he doesn't even look surprised when he sees you there—just resigned, maybe a little wary, like you're a test he hasn’t studied for.

"you're here again," he says, but the undertone of it carries like a question.

you blow smoke away from him this time—a concession you don't examine too closely. "how was practice?"

"it was... fine." it’s a stalled response. you make him uncomfortable, it’s visible.

it makes you smile.

"just fine?"

he shifts his weight. "we're preparing for easter service. it's a lot of material."

"easter's months away."

"we like to be prepared."

of course they do. your lips curl around your cigarette. "very responsible."

he doesn't know what to do with that—with you, really. you can see it in the way he stands there, caught between politeness and self-preservation.

eventually, he clears his throat. "do you... need something?"

the question is so earnest it almost makes you laugh. "no. do you?"

"i don't-" he stops, thinks about what to say. it’s like watching a computer reboot—slow and strangely satisfying. "i should go."

all you do is hum.

you don't stop him. you never do.

as you watch him walk to his car—a modest sedan, probably a hand-me-down—and you catch the way he glances back before getting in. just once. just long enough.

hook, line, sinker.

the fourth week, jeongin brings you a pamphlet.

"i thought you might be interested," he says, not quite meeting your eyes as he holds it out. "there's a young adult group that meets on fridays. it's casual. just discussion and... fellowship."

you take the folded sheet. the glossy paper is covered in stock photos of diverse twenty-somethings laughing over coffee. you actively have to fight down a groan. "fellowship," you repeat, the word leaving an unpleasant taste on your tongue. "that sounds very churchy."

"it's not like... i mean, it's welcoming. to everyone. you don't have to be, uh..." jeongin trails off, clearly realizing he's about to say something potentially offensive.

"a believer?"

his ears go red. "i just meant- you've been coming by a lot, so I thought maybe you were curious. about... stuff."

you're curious. just not about what he thinks.

"that's sweet of you, jeongin." you purr, folding the pamphlet to tuck it into your jacket pocket, right next to your cigarettes. "i'll think about it."

His face does something complicated—relief and disappointment and something else you can't quite name. "yeah, okay. good. that's... good."

the silence stretches. you wait, expecting him to make one of his usual ‘i need to leave’ excuses.

he doesn’t. instead:

"can I ask you something?" he says finally.

it takes you a moment to respond, surprised. jeongin doesn’t ask you things. "uh, sure?"

"why do you keep coming back?"

there it is. the question you’ve been expecting for weeks. you could lie—tell him you like the music or the architecture, maybe some bullshit about finding yourself.

instead, you hold his gaze and smile. "maybe I like the company."

jeongin blinks. processes. you once again compare it to a computer—watching it buffer. "the... company."

you’re eyes sparkle as you watch him try to piece things together.

you watch the realization dawn slowly, like sunrise through stained glass.

his lips part slightly. the folder in his arms shifts, and he clutches it tighter, like it might protect him.

"i-" he stops. starts again. “i don't think…"

"relax," you laugh, pushing off the wall. "i'm just messing with you."

you're not. you're absolutely not, but he looks so close to bolting that you throw him the lifeline.

"right. of course. i knew that." he definitely didn't. cute. "i should really-"

"go on, golden boy," you pull out another stick of gum, unwrap it slowly. "see you next week?"

jeongin doesn't answer. just nods once, stiff and uncertain, and practically flees to his car.

you pop the gum in your mouth and taste artificial sweetness. cherry, the package says. you say him apply cherry chapstick a week or two ago and promptly ditched the bubble gum.

hyora thinks you're insane.

"he's clearly not interested," she chides over drinks that friday. "or he's too scared to be interested. either way, you're wasting your time."

you take a long sip of your drink, letting the alcohol wash down any agreement that may have been climbing up your throat. "i'm not wasting anything."

hyora scoffs. "you're going to a church every week! for a boy who flinches when you smile at him-" she gives you a look. "that's not your usual style."

she's right, and you both know it.

her perception on the situation pisses you off for some reason you can’t name.

usually, you like easy—people who know the game, who flirt back, who don't require this much effort. but there's something about jeongin's skittishness, his earnestness, the way he looks at you like you're a riddle he's not allowed to solve.

it’s intoxicating, better than any high you’d ever experienced.

"maybe I'm branching out," you mutter against the brim of your glass with a small pout.

hyora’s laugh is singular and dismissive. "branching out into what? corruption??bery on-brand for you."

"i'm not corrupting anyone."

she snorts into her drink. "babe. you're literally trying to seduce a choir boy. if that's not corruption, i don't know what is."

"i'm not trying to seduce him."

"yet."

you pretend to ponder the possibility for a moment before you let your lips curl upwards.

"yet," you concede with a grin.

hyora shakes her head, but she's smiling too. "just... be careful, okay? guys like that?” she sighs like she’s remembering a love one long passed. “they don't recover easy."

you think about that later, alone in your apartment, scrolling mindlessly through your phone.

they don't recover easy.

hyora had said it like you're a natural disaster—a hurricane with a taste for innocence.

maybe you are…

maybe that's the point.

the fifth week, he's not there.

you tell yourself it doesn't matter, that you weren't really expecting him anyway. but you wait longer than usual, cigarette burning down to the filter between your fingers, eyes on the door that never opens.

when practice ends and the others file out—laughing, chatting, normal—you stop someone at random. a girl with gold-rimmed glasses and a cross necklace.

"jeongin, where is he?" it’s a little curt, brutally forward.

the poor girl looks surprised to be addressed. "oh- he's sick, i think. he texted the group chat earlier."

a group chat? if jeongin had been the one telling you about his church choir group chat, you would’ve laughed. coming from someone else, though? it felt like a cruel dig.

"right. thanks."

You let your cigarette fall from between your fingers and crush it under your boot.

sick. or avoiding you.

probably avoiding you.

that shouldn't bother you as much as it does.

week six: jeongin’s back.

he looks tired—shadows under his eyes, hair less carefully styled than usual. when he sees you on the wall, his step falters, but you don’t notice the flicker of fight-or-flight in his eyes. progress, maybe.

"you came back," he says, like he's surprised, like part of him hoped you wouldn't.

you smile at him, offering no response other than the tilt of your head.

jeongin stares at you like he’s expecting something. then, unexpectedly: "can i ask you something?"

there’s something in his gaze that makes your lips pull upwards. "you always ask me that before asking me things." you reply with ease, trying to not let his lingering eyes fuel your ego too much.

there’s definitely been progress.

"i-" a flicker of a smile, gone too fast. you wish it had stayed longer. "fair point."

you watch him, waiting for him to voice whatever was on his mind.

it takes a few long seconds, but eventually he gets there.

"why me?" he asks quietly. "if you wanted... company, or whatever, there are other people. people who'd actually-" He stops himself, colors rising. "I just don't understand why you keep... why me."

it's a good question. an honest question. and maybe he deserves an honest answer.

you won’t be the one to grant it to him, though.

no. honesty can be granted to him by his pastor once he’s found himself kneeling in the confession booth. honesty isn’t your job. your job is to poke and prod and tease until his eyes don’t shine with the purity of someone who’s never experienced fun.

you push off the wall to close some of the distance that seems to stretch between the two of you.

"because you're pretty when you're uncomfortable,” you don’t try to hide the up and down you give him. “watching you try to figure out if wanting something makes you a bad person is the most fascinating thing i've seen in years."

jeongin’s breath catches. you see it—the moment your words land, the way his eyes widen slightly, pupils dilating. fear and fascination in equal measure.

you take a precious second to admire how good it looks on him.

"i don't want anything," he whispers. you can’t tell if he’s trying to convince you or himself. maybe it’s a bit of both.

"i know."

"then why-"

you take a step closer. jeongin mirrors the movement, taking a step back.

"i think part of you wants to know what it feels like to break the rules, to want something you're not supposed to have."

he's frozen now, knuckles white around the folder in his grip, eyes locked on yours.

"i'm not-" his voice cracks. "i'm not like that."

you have to fight off a snort. "okay."

"i'm not."

"i believe you." you don't. neither does he—you see it in the way his gaze wavers.

the silence between you is heavier than it’s ever been. it’s charged, dangerous. you can see his pulse jumping in his throat. you wonder if he can hear how fast your heart is beating.

finally, he takes another step back. "i should go."

you purr, more than pleased. “you do that.”

but he doesn't move. not yet. he just stands there, looking at you like you're something terrible and beautiful all at once—like he knows exactly how this story ends and can't stop reading anyway.

"next week?" you ask softly.

jeongin swallows hard, nods once, and turns to walks away.

you don't go to the youth group that friday.

or the one after that.

it's not strategy, exactly—more like testing a theory. if jeongin thinks you're losing interest, will he chase? or will he breathe a sigh of relief and go back to his carefully ordered, prayers and halos lifestyle?

the answer comes on a wednesday when he finds you in your usual spot.

"you didn't come," he says without any other greeting.

you look up from your phone, feigning surprise. when in doubt, play dumb. "to what?"

"the group. you said you'd think about it." there’s a pout in his voice. you like the way it curls around the syllables.

"i did think about it."

"…and?"

you tuck your phone away to give him your full attention.

he's wearing a navy sweater today, sleeves pushed up to bunch around his elbows. there's something almost desperate in the broad set of his shoulders.

fucking adorible.

"and I decided it probably wasn't my scene."

"but you didn't even try-"

"are you disappointed?" he question comes out more as a tease than something you actually want an answer to.

he hesitates, eyes narrowed with what you can only assume is an internal conflict. "yeah. i am."

that surprises you enough that you any quick retort you could’ve had is lost. jeongin takes advantage of the silence.

"this friday," he says, rushed, like he's afraid he'll lose his chance to speak if he doesn’t act with haste. "just... just come once. if you hate it, you never have to come back. but give it a chance.” jeongin’s eyes are wide, like a child begging for one more taste of something sweet. quietly, he tacks on a little “please."

it’s just that which does it for you. that soft, earnest please that sounds like he's asking for something far more important than your attendance at some stupid church function.

"fine," you hear yourself say. "once. that’s all you get from me, yeah?"

his whole face lights up, and you realize this may have been a terrible mistake.

friday evening finds you in the church’s basement—because fucking of course it's in the church’s basement—surrounded by inspirational posters and folding chairs arranged in a some poor attempt of a circle. there are maybe fifteen people, all around your age—late teens, early twenties. they're all friendly in that aggressively wholesome way that makes you want to check for exits.

you’ve been here for two minutes, and you already want to leave.

jeongin spots you near immediately. the relief that floods his face is almost comical.

he excuses himself from whatever conversation he’s caught in and crosses to you in four long strides.

he’s damn near beaming when he welcomes you. "you came."

you don’t share his enthusiasm. "i said I would."

“i know, but i thought-" he stops himself and shakes his head, trying to shake off the words he’d almost uttered. "never mind. i’m glad you're here. come on, i'll introduce you."

he doesn't touch you as he guides you towards the circle—wouldn't dare—but he stays close as he rattles off names you immediately forget. everyone's nice.

too nice. it sets your teeth on edge.

the session itself is... fine. boring, mostly. they're discussing some book about finding purpose or god's plan or something equally abstract. you don't contribute much, just watch the dynamics—who defers to whom, who's trying too hard, who's genuinely invested versus who's here out of obligation.

and you watch jeongin, because how could you not? he’s why you’re here, after all.

he's different here—more confident, more articulate. it doesn’t take much for you to realize that this is his element, the faith and the fellowship and the fitting in.

he references bible verses from memory, offers thoughtful commentary, makes the others laugh with some self-deprecating story about his childhood. you can see why they like him. why he's probably everyone's favorite—the golden choir boy with a voice touched by god himself.

he's good at this. he’s good at being good.

you’ve never wanted to put someone on their knees so badly in your life.

after holy conversation that you vaguely consider as your own person hell, there coffee and cookies, because of fucking course there is.

you're halfway through planning out your grand escape when jeongin materializes at your elbow.

"so… what did you think?" he sounds genuinely hopeful. you find it a tad bit pathetic.

you try for something positive. "it was... enlightening."

jeongin sees through it instantly.

"you hated it."

"i didn't hate it,” you correct with a lie. “it just wasn't really my thing."

"but you came. that's what actually matters." he's smiling now—that soft, hopeful smile that does dangerous things to your resolve. when he starts again, that hopeful undertone to his words seems to triple. "maybe next time-"

"there won’t be a next time."

that pretty smile falters. "oh."

"i came because you asked, but this-“ you gesture vaguely at the room. "it's not me. you know that." it comes out a little sharper than you mean it to. you watch the words hit him like a punch to the gut.

"i- i know, i just thought that-" his voice breaks off, frustrated. "i don't know what i thought."

there's something raw in his voice, something that makes you soften despite yourself. against your better judgement, you try your best to console him, to get that stupidly unfair smile back on those equally unfair lips.

"hey- i appreciate the invitation, really. i'm glad i got to see you in your natural habitat."

"my natural habitat," he echoes with a weak laugh.

you hum a small confirmation. “you're good at this—the whole... community thing. Faith, or whatever." you pause just long enough to eye him. "it suits you."

jeongin looks at you like he's trying to figure out if you're mocking him. you're not, for once. it's the truth. he seems to gather as much and mutters a small “thanks”

before the conversation can carry further, someone calls his name from across the room. jeongin glances back, then at you, clearly torn.

"go," you tell him, head dipping in the way of the man who’d called his name. "i'm fine."

he shifts his weight, unsure, and that's when you notice it—his collar. the left side is folded under, crooked, probably from when he pulled his sweater on. it's such a small thing, barely even noticeable, but it bothers you more than it should.

"you're crooked," you catch him by the wrist before he can fully turn away, gesturing to his collar.

jeongin reaches up automatically, fumbling. "where?"

"here. hold still…"

you step into his space—close enough to smell his soap, something clean and faintly herbal—and reach for his collar. your fingers brush the warm skin of his neck as you straighten the fabric, smoothing it down carefully, far more carefully than you should.

jeongin goes very, very still.

"there," you murmur, but you don't step back. neither does jeongin.

instead, you glance over his shoulder, then over your own. no one’s looking. you feel something instinctual curl up your spine like a snake, unholy and undeniable.

you let your hand drift lower—slow, deliberate—smoothing down the front of his sweater. over his collarbone. down his chest. jeongin’s heart hammers beneath your palm, wild and frantic, and you pause there, right over it, feeling every rapid beat.

his breath hitches audibly. you exhale heavily through your nose.

you look up at him through your lashes as your hand continues its descent over his sternum, his ribs, down toward his stomach. that's when his hand shoots up, catching your wrist. his grip is tight, bordering on painful. when you look up his eyes are wide and dark, pupils blown. if you didn’t know any better, you’d say it was something close to dazed. panic tinges the edges of it, sure, but there something deeper in his gaze.

"please-" his voice is wrecked, barely more than a whisper. "don't."

you freeze. "don't what?"

"this. whatever-" he swallows hard, adam's apple bobbing as he tries he damndest to compose himself. "i can't- i can't do this."

"i'm not doing anything," you say softly, which is technically true and completely dishonest.

"yes, you are." his fingers tighten around your wrist. "you're- god…” the lord name in vain sounds so good coming from jeongin’s lips. you want to eat him alive. “you're looking at me and touching me, and i—" his voice breaks again, eyes wide in something closely related to terror. "i can’t do this.”

his hand leaves yours then, jerking away as if burned. you watch as his gaze darts nervously over the room, desperately frantic to ensure his peers caught no wisp of the interaction the two of you just exchanged.

he swallows again, raising a hand to tug at the collar of his shirt. it makes you feel better to know you aren’t the only one overheating.

when jeongin looks back to you, his expression shifts in a way that’s a little hard to describe—it’s subtle but firm, a wall built high with hopes of keeping that glint in his eye hidden.

it doesn’t. but hey- it’s the effort that counts.

jeongin says nothing. he stares for a few moments, bewildered and frightened and—dare you say—a little turned on all at once. he blinks twice, exhales sharp through his nose. for a moment you think he may actually say something, but instead he turns on his heel and walks off, his shoulders visibly tight beneath the fabric of his sweater.

progress whispers the little devil perched all pretty on your shoulder. you can’t help but agree.

the following week, you’re back. not just back to your usual spot—posted up outside on wednesdays waiting for choir practice to let out—but back back.

by the time sunday rolls around, you find yourself once again perched in the lemon-scented pews.

it isn’t for you, but you have to admit that the church itself is a work of art. though you’ve only been in once before, the thought of the architecture and, more specifically, the stained glass has crossed your mind many times since.

as you glance around the open space, you feel a pair of eyes on you almost like it’s physical. it takes a second to realize who’s eyes they belong to.

jeongin spots you almost immediately—standing in perfect line with the other members of the choir.

you watch his eyes widen from across the sanctuary, how his lips part in surprise mid-verse. he recovers just as quickly as he stuttered, but his gaze keeps finding you throughout the service, nervous and searching.

when the choir finishes their opening hymns. the congregation settles, and you watch as the choir members are dismissed to find their seats. jeongin's gaze immediately falls on you again, but there's a moment where he hesitates, visibly torn between sitting with his usual group and doing what he clearly (to you) wants to do.

want wins.

jeongin crosses the sanctuary with measured steps, trying not to look too eager, too obvious. when he reaches your row, he murmurs a quiet "excuse me" to the elderly couple beside you and slides into the space at your side.

"hi," he whispers, not quite meeting your eyes.

"hi yourself." you let your gaze drag over him—the crisp white button-down, the navy slacks, the careful way he's arranged himself to maintain a respectable distance. something hot licks at your spine.

“i wasn’t expecting to see you here.” the way he words it is a statement, but the undercurrent of his tone is questioning, nearly suspicious in the way it lands. his cautiousness is fair—you hadn’t told him you were planning to appear for service, and you are far from the type of person to show just because.

"i wanted to come.” your response earns you first real glance of the day, jeongin’s eyes narrowed just so as he tries to work out what’s going on in your pretty little head. "what? is that not okay?"

it takes him a second to reply. he only does so once his eyes have focused back on the pastor. "it's more than okay."

the service begins in earnest. prayers are recited, scripture is read, the pastor launches into a sermon about faithfulness that you can’t bother to keep up with. you're too aware of jeongin beside you. he sits too straight, too proper, with hands folded neatly in his lap. his throat bobs when he swallows. you also catch the way his eyes keep darting toward you and then away again like he's afraid to look too long.

it’s cute, a note of entertainment in a room brimming with boredom.

fifteen minutes in, you shift slightly, adjusting your position so your thigh presses against his. it's subtle. innocent, even. but jeongin goes rigid beside you, his breath catching in a way that makes satisfaction curl warm in your chest.

you wait. let him settle. let his guard slip just enough.

then you move your hand.

it starts innocently enough. you let your hand rest on the pew between you, fingers splayed across the polished wood. then, with a slowness only made to tease, you slide your fingers up and onto his knee.

jeongin's entire body tenses. his eyes stay fixed forward, but you see his jaw clench from the corner of you eye. his hands tighten in his lap. he doesn't move, doesn't push you away. in fact, he doesn't acknowledge it at all.

so you let your hand linger there, thumb tracing a small, idle circle against the fabric of his slacks. it’s innocent. friendly. nothing anyone would notice if they looked over.

but jeongin notices. oh god, how could he not? his breathing has gone shallow, barely controlled, and when you glance at him from the corner of your eye, his face is flushed, jaw tight with tension.

you wait another minute or two, letting the anticipation build. it’s only after your satisfied with how jeongin forces his breath to even out that your fingers press higher by another inch. and then a second.

jeongin’s hand twitches before it moves, fingers wrapping around your wrist with a strength that catches you a little off guard. his grip is tight, bordering on painful, but he doesn't pull your hand away. he just holds it there, frozen mid-thigh, like he can't decide whether to stop you or let you continue.

in hopes of prompting an answer, you lean in slightly, words nothing more than a soft breath. "tell me to stop."

his throat works. his fingers tremble around your wrist. but he doesn't say it—doesn't tell you to stop. instead, after what feels like an eternity, his grip loosens. just slightly. just enough.

permission.

that’s what you take it for, at least.

your hand slides higher, moving in slow, torturous inches that make his breath hitch audibly. his thigh is firm under your palm, muscle tensing as you trace mindless patterns against the fabric. you can feel the heat of him through his slacks, can feel the way he's trying so hard not to react, not to shift, not to make a sound that might draw attention.

when your hand creeps towards the top of his thigh, dangerously close to where you can see the fabric beginning to strain, jeongin makes a sound—quiet and choked and desperate.

you’re mouth waters. you’re thighs press further closed than they already are.

his hand covers yours again, but this time it's not to stop you. his fingers lace through yours, holding your hand there like he's afraid you'll pull away. his head drops forward slightly, shoulders rising and falling with each labored breath that he’s trying so hard to hide.

"please," jeongin whispers, so quiet you almost miss it over the pastors voice. you're not sure if he's begging you to stop or to keep going. you're not sure he knows either.

you lean closer, lips brushing his ear with each spoken word. "come with me."

"what-" his voice cracks. "where?"

"bathroom." it’s said so simply that it causes jeongin to double take. understanding dawns in his eyes, followed immediately by panic.

"we can't. not here. not during-"

"then tell me no." you pull your hand back, watching him bite back a sound of protest. his fingers move too, twitching forwards in hope of pulling you back before thinking better of it. "tell me you don't want to. tell me to leave you alone."

his silence echoes louder than only scream could. his eyes close, jaw working like he's physically fighting with himself.

"jeongin." your voice is soft but unforgivingly firm. "yes or no."

he opens his eyes to look at you. it’s in that moment that you see the exact instant where his composure not just fails, but collapses.

"yeah-" he’s breathless. “yeah, okay..”

your eyes track to where his throat bobs, and you have the urge to get your mouth over his adam’s apple.

you stand first, making a show of smoothing your clothes, nodding apologetically to the people in your row as you edge past them. jeongin waits exactly thirty seconds—you count them—before following, mumbling something about needing air even though no one asked, looking flushed and unsteady in a way that anyone paying attention would absolutely notice.

you don't go far. just back through the hallway, around the corner, and into the single-stall bathroom at the end of the corridor. the halls echo with the sound of your shoes against the hardwood, jeongin’s not far behind you.

you've barely closed the door before jeongin slips in behind you. you give him about three seconds of air before you're turning, raising your hands to his chest and pressing him up against the door.

"wait-" he starts, but you're already there, fingers winding in his button up, pushing up on your toes to close the distance.

you kiss him before he can get another word in.

he freezes.

jeongin goes completely still, hands hovering uncertainly at his sides like he doesn't know what to do with them. like he's never done this before.

because he hasn't.

you realize it all at once—the way he's not kissing back, not because he doesn't want to, but because he doesn't know how—this is his first kiss. his first.

the thought sends a thrill through you that's almost dangerous.

"relax, jagi" you murmur against his lips, pulling back just enough to meet his wide, startled eyes. he looks at you like your his salvation and his downfall wrapped in one.

the thought entertains you. maybe once you were heavenly, maybe that’s why this all called to you in a way that’s so difficult to ignore. whether or not you could be considered holy in your past, the undeniable truth was that now you were fallen.

if there is one truth to be taken from this though, is that misery loves company.

pandora opened a box, eve bit an apple, you were kissing a church boy.

you kiss him again, softer this time. slower. your hands slide up to frame his face, thumbs stroking his jaw, coaxing him to loosen up, to let go. and slowly—so slowly—he does.

his lips part under yours, hesitant and unpracticed, and when you tilt your head to deepen the kiss, he makes a sound low in his throat that's pure need. his hands finally move, coming up to grip your waist like he's afraid you'll disappear if he doesn't hold on.

you press closer, pinning him against the door properly, and his grip tightens. one of your hands slides into his hair—soft and perfect and completely wasted on someone who probably uses two-in-one shampoo—and you tug gently. the action results in the prettiest gasp you’ve ever heard. you swallow the sound and kiss him harder.

jeongin’s a quick learner. his lips grow bolder, more confident, tongue sliding against yours in a way that's clumsy yet boyishly enthusiastic. his hands roam your back, your sides, touch growing more desperate as he loses himself in it.

"god," he pants when you break away to breathe, but he doesn't let you go far. he chases your mouth, kisses you again with a hunger that feels like it's been locked away for years. "we shouldn't- this is-"

"do you want to stop?" you're both breathing hard, lips swollen and red.

"no." it comes out anguished, broken. "no, i don't- i can't—" jeongin kisses you again, messy and desperate, cutting himself off only to pull away again a moment later. "this is wrong. we're in a church. during a service. i'm supposed to- i shouldn't—"

"but you want to." you bite his bottom lip gently and he shudders. "you want this. want me."

"yes." the confession tears out of him so fast that it makes him wince. "yes, i want you. i've wanted—god, i can't stop thinking about you. every time i close my eyes, every time i pray, every time i try to focus on anything-" his voice breaks and his head falls back against the door. "what are you doing to me?"

your eyes immediately zero in on the column of his throat. "nothing you don't want me to do."

with the new skin granted to you, you switch tactics and attach your lips to where his adam’s apple sits. you’re tug drags over the curve of it, teeth scraping against the skin just enough to leave it reddened.

jeongin’s body is ran through by a shiver as you work your way up his throat, his hands sliding lower to pull you flush against him. you can feel how affected he is, the evidence of his want pressing against your hip, and when you shift against him in a way that’s anything but accidental he makes a sound that's half-moan, half-whimper.

"please," he gasps, and this time you do know what he’s pleading for.

when you do kiss him again, he’s frantic, less controlled. one hand tangles in your hair while the other grips your hip hard enough to bruise. he's losing himself in this, in you, all that careful control you’ve seen him uphold comes spiraling apart.

from somewhere distant, you hear the muffled sound of the congregation singing. the service continuing without you. without him. reality pressing in at the edges.

jeongin must hear it too because he tenses, pulls back just enough to meet your eyes. his lips are kiss-swollen, his face flushed pink, hair a complete mess from your hands.

he looks wrecked.

"we have to go back," he says, but his hands are still on you, still holding tight.

"do we?"

"people will notice. they'll—" he swallows hard. "i can't- everyone will know. they'll see."

"see what, baby?"

"that i-" his voice drops to barely a whisper. "that i'm not... who they think i am."

you trace your thumb along his jaw and smile at the way he leans into the touch despite himself. "and who do they think you are?"

"good." the word comes out bitter. "pure, faithful, someone who would never…" his gaze drops heavy to your lips, his tongue darting over his own mindlessly. "someone who wouldn't do this."

"…is that who you want to be?"

"i don't know." when jeongin’s eyes meet yours again they're dark and conflicted and so painfully honest it makes your chest ache. "i don't know anymore. i'm supposed to want that. i'm supposed to be that. but when i'm with you, i—" he stops, jaw clenching. "i don't want to be good. i want to be this."

you kiss him softly, just once. "then be this."

"i can't." but even as he says it, his hands tighten on your waist. "i can't. my family, the church, everyone would—they'd never forgive me. i'd lose everything."

"would you?" you pull back enough to look at him properly. "or would you just lose the version of yourself you've been pretending to be?"

the question hangs between you, heavy and unavoidable. jeongin stares at you like you've just asked him to choose between breathing and drowning.

"i don't know," he whispers finally. "i don't know."

the singing outside grows louder—the final hymn echoing off the walls. the service is ending. you have maybe five minutes before people start filtering into the hallways.

"we need to go," jeongin says, but he doesn't move. doesn't let go.

you don’t moved to step away either. "i know."

"they can't- we can't let them see."

"i know."

but neither of you move. you just stand there, foreheads pressed together, breathing the same air, existing in this stolen moment that you both know can't last.

finally, reluctantly, you step back. jeongin's hands fall away slowly, like it physically hurts to let go. you watch as he tries to compose himself—smoothing his hair, straightening his collar, attempting to calm his breathing. it's useless. he still looks completely undone.

"you go first," you tell him. "i'll wait a few minutes."

he nods but doesn't move toward the door. instead, he looks at you with something raw and desperate in his eyes.

"will you-" his voice catches. "are you coming back? next week?"

you should say no. you should let this be what it is—a moment, a mistake, a memory. but when you look at him, at the hope and fear warring in his expression, you find yourself nodding.

"yeah," you whipser. "i'll be here."

the relief that floods his face is almost painful to witness. he reaches for you one more time, cupping your face in his hands, kissing you with a tenderness that feels nothing like the desperation from moments before. this kiss is soft. careful. like a promise neither of you should be making.

and then he's gone, slipping out the door and back into the world where he has to be good, be pure, be everything you're slowly teaching him he doesn't have to be.

you wait for a couple minutes before following, emerging into a hallway full of people spilling out of the sanctuary. no one looks at you twice. no one notices.

but when you round the corner and spot jeongin standing with his choir group, perfectly composed except for the barely visible flush still coloring his neck, he looks at you. just for a second. just long enough for you to see the truth written all over his face.

this isn't over. whatever this is, whatever you've started—it's just beginning.

and you both know it.

the two of you didn't even make it through opening prayer.

you were there on time—same pew, same hymnal in your lap that you wouldn't open, same deliberate eye contact across the sanctuary that makes jeongin's voice crack on the second verse.

you stood during opening prayer, when everyone's heads are bowed and eyes are closed. when the only person who's watching is jeongin.

you were already walking towards the back hall when you look over your shoulder to mouth a singular word: come.

he was on your heel in seconds.

the bathroom is the same as last week—sterile white tile, the faint scent of industrial soap, a lock that clicks with finality. you're checking your reflection, reapplying lip gloss you don't need, when the door opens.

jeongin slips inside like a guilty thing, all wide eyes and shallow breathing. the lock clicks behind him and for a moment you just look at each other.

"hi," you say.

"hi." his voice is barely there. "i told myself i wouldn't do this again."

"and yet?"

"and yet." he laughs, sharp and humorless. "you're… i don't know what you're doing to me. i can't think straight anymore. can't sleep. can't pray without thinking about—" he swallows the rest of his words, jaw clenching. "this is wrong."

"you keep saying that." you step closer and he doesn't back away. another wordless act you take as permission. "do you actually believe it? or is it just what you're supposed to say?"

"i don't know." his eyes track your movement, dark and hungry despite the conflict written over every inch of his expression. "i don't know what i believe anymore. i just know that when i'm near you i-" he stops. swallows again. "i can't help myself."

"then don't." you close the distance between you, reaching up to loosen his tie—blue today, perfectly knotted, already slightly askew from his nervous fidgeting. "don't help yourself. don't be good. just be here with me."

jeongin’s breath catches as your fingers work the knot free. "what are you doing?"

"shh." the tie slides free and you drop it on the counter. your hands go to the top button of his shirt next. "you trust me?"

he should say no. you can see him thinking it, weighing it, trying to find the strength to lie. but what comes out is: "yes."

"good." you pop the first button. then the second. his chest rises and falls rapidly under your hands, his pulse jumping at the base of his throat. "because i want to do something for you. something that'll make you feel good. but you have to tell me if you want me to stop. okay?"

"okay," he whispers. then, quieter: "what are you going to-"

you kiss him instead of answering. he melts into it immediately, hands coming up to cup your face like he's been waiting all week for this. maybe he has. you kiss him thoroughly, deeply, until he's pliant and wanting and making those soft sounds in the back of his throat that you've been replaying in your head for seven days straight.

you start walking him backwards, crowding his space until his back hits the door just as it had the week before.

jeongin goes willingly, lets you arrange him how you want, doesn't protest when your hands slide down his chest, his stomach, tracing the lines of him through his clothes.

"you're so pretty," you murmur against his mouth. he makes a sound akin to a whine. "do you know that? so pretty when you sing. so pretty when you're trying to be good."

"i'm not-" he gasps when your hand drifts lower, palm pressing against the front of his slacks where he's already hard. "oh god—"

"so pretty when you're like this, too." you press a little harder and his hips buck involuntarily. you’re going to eat him alive. "when you're honest about what you want."

"please," it comes out strangled. his hands clutch at your waist like he needs something to hold onto. "please."

"what do you want, jeongin?" you work his belt buckle open slowly, each word leaving your mouth a cruel purr. "use your words."

"i want—" he squeezes his eyes shut. "i want you to touch me."

"i am touching you."

"more." it's barely a whisper. "please. more."

you smile against his throat, taking a patch of skin between your teeth. "good boy."

the praise makes him shudder. you file that information away for later as you finally work his belt free. your fingers find his zipper and drag it down with agonizing slowness. he's breath comes in short, sharp gasps.

jeongin presses a hand over his mouth to muffle the sounds he's making. you smack it away damn near instantly, not even entertaining the idea of him playing quiet.

"move your hand," you snap, eyes narrowed as you watch him. "i want to hear you."

"but, someone might—"

"the service just started. no one's coming." you palm him through his boxers and his hand falls away from his mouth on a broken moan. "there you go, baby. let me hear you."

you work him out of his boxers, wrapping your hand around him properly, and the sound he makes is devastating. he's already leaking, painfully hard, and you wonder how long he's been like this. since he saw you? since this morning? since last week?

"have you touched yourself?" you ask, stroking him slowly. "thinking about me?"

your gut twists at just the thought of it—of jeongin laid out over his bed, hand moving quick and guilty as he thinks of no one but you. it’s a perfect scene, angelic and holy in it’s own right.

his face flushes deep red. "yes. i tried not to but i… every night. i'm so sorry—"

your eyes widen at the admission. every night??

fuck.

fuck.

"sweet boy, don’t apologize." you kiss him quick and filthy. "that's so hot, jeongin. fuck… tell me what you thought about."

jeongin’s response is quick, breathless. "your mouth," the words are a gasp. "your hands. the way you- the way you looked at me." he breaks off on a moan when your thumb swipes over the head of his cock, gathering the pearl of precum on the pad of your finger to work it over his length. "oh fuck—"

"such language," you tease, lips making their way down his neck again. "what would the pastor say?"

jeongin freezes. his muscles pull so tight that you watch his skin shift. he gulps down something unsaid, eyes squeezing shut as if that can erase the situation he’s in. "don't joke. god, i can't think when you- oh."

before he has too long to overthink (or regret) anything, you drop to your knees.

the realization of what you're about to do hits him like a physical blow. his eyes fly open, wide and shocked and so dark they're almost black.

"wait," his voice cracks. "you don't have to-"

"i want to." you look up at him from your knees, taking in the sight of him—all debauched and desperate yet still trying to be oh so polite. jeongin looks back like you’re something sacred. "do you want me to?"

"yes." it tears out of him. "yes, please, i've never—no one's ever-"

"i know, baby." you press a kiss to his hip bone. he trembles, priests and prayers long forgetten. "i'll take care of you. just relax."

you start slow, trying to lead him into a false sense of security. well, as much security that can be had while getting head in the church’s bathroom.

you kiss along his length, soft and teasing, trying to the shape of him.

jeongin’s shaking above you, one hand braced against the door, the other hovering beside your head like he wants nothing more than to touch but lacking the commitment to actually thread his fingers through your hair.

every breath he takes is ragged.

when you finally take him in your mouth he makes a sound like he's been shot.

"oh. oh god," his hand flies to his mouth again, muffling himself, and his hips stutter forward involuntarily before he catches himself. "sorry. i’m sorry, i didn't mean-"

you pull off just long enough to say, "c’mon sweet boy, you can move.” you press a kiss far to sweet to his “you won't hurt me, promise"

you take him deeper then, the feeling of it forcing his head to fall back against the door with a soft thunk.

he tastes clean, a little salty, maybe, but it’s human in the way that makes this feel real and raw. you work him with your mouth, your hand pumping at his base, finding a rhythm that has his breath coming in sharp gasps.

jeongin’s hand finally lands in your hair—gentle, tentative, like he's afraid he'll break you.

"is this," he can barely get words out. "am i- is this okay?"

you hum your approval around him and his whole body jerks. the vibration makes him curse again, low and filthy, and you catalog every sound, every reaction, learning what makes him fall apart.

it doesn't take long. he's too keyed up, too pure, too overwhelmed. you can feel him getting close, the tension building in his body, his breathing going ragged and desperate.

"i'm…" the tug he gives your hair is sharp, a little shaky. it serves as the warning that his words can’t seem to put together. "i'm gonna- baby, i can’t-"

you don't pull away, why would you?. you take him deeper instead, and the realization that you're going to let him finish down your throat breaks him completely.

"oh fuck." his hips stutter, his hand tightening in your hair. "i can’t, i can’t- please."

his cock twitches heavy on your tongue and then he’s coming with a choked moan, head thrown back, every muscle in his body going taut. you work him through it until he's trembling and oversensitive, until he's gently pulling you off with trembling hands.

for a moment the only sound is his harsh breathing. then you stand, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand. you allow yourself a moment to really admire how fucking gorgeous he his.

jeongin looks wrecked—hair a mess, shirt hanging open, face flushed and slack with a mix of pleasure and something that might be religious ecstasy. that, or just some damn good head. his eyes are glazed, unfocused, like he's not quite back in his body yet.

"hey." you touch his face gently, thumb grazing over his puffy bottom lip. "you okay?"

jeongin blinks slowly, trying to resurface. "yeah. yeah, i'm…" he pauses. jeongin just stares for a long time, eyes dazed and half lidded. the next sound he makes is a laugh. it’s humorous. slightly hysterical. "i'm going to hell."

"probably." you kiss him softly and, though it takes a second, he kisses back, lazy and sated. "but at least you'll have good memories."

he makes a sound that's half-laugh, half-sob and pulls you against him, burying his face in your neck. you let him hold you, feeling the aftershocks still running through him, the way his hands grip you like you're the only solid thing in the world.

"i don't know what you're doing to me," he whispers against your skin. he inhales deeply, breathing you in like his favorite drug. "i don't know who i am anymore."

"maybe that's not a bad thing." you run your fingers through his hair. "maybe you're just figuring out who you actually are instead of who everyone wants you to be."

"that's terrifying."

"yeah." you pull back enough to meet his eyes. "but it's also kind of beautiful."

jeongin pulls back to study at your face. he looks at you like you've said something profound, like you've given him permission for something he didn't know he needed. then he kisses you again, slow and deep and grateful.

"we should go back," he says eventually, but he makes no move to let you go.

"probably."

"they'll notice."

"probably."

"i don't care." he kisses you again. "i don't care anymore."

that's a lie. it’s a lie and you both know it. he does care. he cares so much it's eating him alive. but for this moment, in this stolen space, he can pretend he doesn't. and that's enough.

you help him get dressed again—tucking him back into his boxers, zipping his slacks, re-buttoning his shirt. your fingers linger on each button, taking your time, and he watches you with dark eyes that promise this isn't over.

the tie goes back on last. you knot it carefully, perfectly, making him presentable again. making him look like the good church boy everyone thinks he is.

but you both know better now.

"next week?" he asks as you reach for the door.

you look back at him, at this beautiful broken thing you're slowly unraveling. "next week."

he nods. then, quieter: "thank you."

"for what?"

"for—" he gestures helplessly. "for this. for seeing me. for not—" he stops. starts again. "just thank you."

you reach for him, kissing him one more time, soft and sweet. it’s nothing like what you just did for him on your knees. "anytime, baby."

then you slip out, leaving him to collect himself, to find his way back to the pews, to pretend for another week that he's still the person he was before you walked into his church.

you know he won't succeed. the mask is cracking. and you can't wait to see what's underneath..

this time it's jeongin who finds himself on his knees.

the realization hits you somewhere between his mouth on yours and your back hitting the bathroom door. this sunday is different. jeongin’s different.

it started the way it normally does now: you walking into the sanctuary, scanning the pews, checking the choir loft. but he wasn't there. the other tenors were warming up, the pianist running through scales, but jeongin's spot stood conspicuously empty.

you'd felt it then—a pull low in your stomach, half concern and half something you didn’t want to name. disappointment, maybe. you didn’t think about it.

the same instinct that's kept you coming back week after week led you down the hallway, past the sunday school classrooms and towards the bathroom at the end of the hall.

the door was unlocked.

inside you’d found jeongin, restless hands carding through his hair. the moment you stepped in and the lock clicked behind you, he looked at you with something wild in his eyes—something hungry and desperate and finally, finallyunashamed.

"i couldn't sit up there," he'd said, already crossing to you. he looked wrecked already, sounded worse. "i couldn't sing. i couldn't even think. all week—" his hands found your hips, pressing you back against the door. "all i could think about was you."

and then his mouth was on yours and it was different from every other time—more urgent, more confident, like he'd spent the week rehearsing this moment in his head and now that you're here he can't waste a single second.

"jeongin," you’d managed between kisses, but he swallowed your words, one hand sliding up to cup your jaw while the other pulled you closer by your waist. it was feral. as feral as a pretty choir boy could be

he broke away just long enough to breathe, his forehead pressed to yours. "please. i need to…" his palm smoothed down your side, tentative but intentional. "can i? please?"

the question hung between you, loaded with meaning you both understood. this wasn't about him getting off this time. this was about reciprocation. about him proving something to himself, maybe. about wanting to give instead of just receive.

"you don't have to—" you started, but he cut you off with another kiss, this one almost frantic.

"i want to." his voice was rough, strained like the fabric of his pants. "i've been thinking about it all week. please. let me, let me make you feel good. please."

the desperation in his voice sent heat pooling low in your belly. this boy—this sweet, repressed, trying-so-hard-to-be-good boy—was begging to go down on you in a church bathroom ten minutes before sunday service.

you have a vague thought about winning the absolute “innocent” boy jackpot.

"okay," you whispered, and felt him shudder against you. "yeah, baby. you can."

the relief that washed over his face was almost comical. he kissed you again—messy and grateful—before dropping to his knees like it's the most natural thing in the world.

and you suppose that, for him, it may just be. jeongin had spent his whole life swaddled in worship. the only difference was that now that divine attention was directed at you instead of some fuck all god.

it was fitting for him.

here—with knees pressing into the cool bathroom tile, face pink and eyes wide in what could only be described as complete adoration—jeongin looked like he belonged.

his hands are shaking slightly as they slide up your thighs, pushing your skimpy, totally inappropriate for church dress higher. you can see him trying to remember everything, trying to figure out the mechanics, and something about his earnest concentration makes you want to laugh and cry at the same time.

"tell me what to do," he says, looking up at you with those dark eyes, and fuck, the visual alone might kill you—him on his knees, your dress bunched in his fists, looking at you like you're something holy.

you thread your fingers through his hair. "start slow. pay attention to what i like. i'll tell you if you need to adjust."

he nods, solemn as a prayer, and then his hands are hooking into your underwear and pulling down. you step out of them and he tucks them into his pocket—and that’s going to live in your head for fucking days—before his hands return to your thighs.

"you're beautiful," he murmurs, almost to himself. then, softer: "i can't believe you're letting me do this."

"jeongin." you tug gently at his hair, a shit eating grin on your lips. "stop being reverent and start being useful."

he huffs a laugh against your inner thigh, and then—finally, finally—he leans in.

the first touch of his tongue is tentative, exploratory. he's learning you the way he learned his hymns—carefully, methodically, with intense focus. it's not perfect but it's enthusiastic, and there's something incredibly hot about his obvious inexperience paired with his desperate eagerness to please.

"like this?" he asks, pulling back slightly, and you have to bite back a whine at the loss of contact.

"yeah," you manage. "that's- yeah. maybe a little more—“ you words evaporate on your tongue as his presses flat against your clit. “there. there."

he makes a pleased sound and doubles his efforts. one of his hands slides up to grip your hip, steadying you, while the other stays on your thigh. his tongue works over you with increasing confidence, and when he finds a rhythm that makes your breath hitch, he stays there, consistent and focused.

"my sweet boy," you breathe out. "that's so good, baby. you're doing so fucking good."

the praise makes him moan against you—actually moan—and the vibration sends a shockwave up your spine. your fingers tighten in his hair and his grip on your hip tightens in response.

then he does something with his tongue that makes your knees buckle slightly, and he catches you, strong hands keeping you upright. he pulls back just long enough to look up at you—pupils blown wide, lips slick, hair a fluffy mess from your hands—and says, "please don't fall. i'm not done yet."

the absolute audacity—

"help me out then," you shoot, and he seems to understand immediately.

his hand slides down your thigh and then he's lifting, guiding your leg up and over his shoulder. the new angle makes you grab for the door to steady yourself, and suddenly you're opened up to him completely, vulnerable and exposed and entirely at his mercy.

"better?" he asks, and the smugness in his voice is new.

new and completely unfair.

"jeongin-"

whatever you were going to say dissolves into a moan as he dives back in with renewed vigor. the angle lets him work deeper, lets him use his whole mouth, and he's a devastatingly quick learner. every sound you make, every time your fingers tighten in his hair or your hips roll forward, he pays attention and adjusts accordingly.

your head falls back against the door with a soft thud.

one hand stays tangled in his hair while the other grips the door handle for dear life. the leg he's holding over his shoulder is starting to shake but he holds you steady, strong enough to support your weight, determined enough to ignore the strain.

"you taste so good," he murmurs against you, and the words coupled with the feeling nearly undo you on the spot. "can't believe—can't believe i get to do this—"

"stop talking," you gasp out, and he laughs—actually laughs—against your cunt before doing as you ask.

he's getting bolder now, more confident. his tongue moves with purpose, finding patterns that make you gasp and moan and forget where you are. at one point he looks up at you—makes direct eye contact while his mouth works over you—and the visual combined with the sensation makes you cry out louder than you should.

"shh," he says, but he's smiling, the bastard. "service is starting. someone might hear."

"then you better—oh fuck—you better make this quick."

he takes that as a challenge. his hand on your hip slides down and then his thumb is there too, working in tandem with his mouth, and suddenly you're not sure how much longer you can last.

"jeongin," it comes out strangled. "i'm close-"

if anything, that makes him more determined.

jeongin adjusts his angle slightly, finds that spot that makes stars burst behind your eyelids, and stays there. it’s all consistent pressure, perfect rhythm, and when he moans against you again—like he's the one getting pleasure from this—you feel yourself tip over the edge.

it hits you like a wave. your whole body goes taut, thighs clenching around his head as well as they can, fingers probably pulling his hair too hard.

jeongin can’t be bothered.

you bite down on your free hand to muffle the sounds trying to escape as pleasure rolls through you in pulses.

he works you through it patiently, gently, until you're shaking and oversensitive and trying to push him away. only then does he lower your leg carefully back to the ground, his hands steadying you as your knees threaten to give out.

for a moment you just stand there, breathing hard, trying to remember how words work. jeongin stays on his knees, looking up at you with the most satisfied expression you've ever seen on his face—pride and wonder and something almost smug.

"how was that?" he asks, and there's a new confidence in his voice that wasn't there before. like he's proven something to himself. like he's discovered a new talent.

"you," you have to stop and catch your breath. "are a very quick learner."

jeongin grins wide and genuine and so unlike the shy boy from a few weeks ago. he shrugs a shoulder before saying, "i had good motivation."

you pull him up by his collar and kiss him, tasting yourself on his lips. he kisses back eagerly, hands settling on your waist like they belong there.

"we really need to get back," you murmur against his mouth, but neither of you makes any move to separate.

"i know." he kisses you again. "one more minute."

that minute turns into several.

by the time you finally pull apart and start making yourselves presentable, you can hear the opening hymn starting in the sanctuary. jeongin's hair is a disaster, his lips are swollen, and there's a dazed look in his eyes that he probably couldn’t hide even if he tried.

he doesn’t offer you back your underwear. you don’t ask.

"you look thoroughly debauched," you tell him, and he laughs—bright and unburdened.

"good." he leans in for one more quick kiss. "let them wonder."

that's definitely new.

the old jeongin would've been horrified at the thought. this version—the one who just spent fifteen minutes on his knees in a church bathroom and loved every second of it—seems almost pleased by the idea of people noticing.

you smooth down your dress while he attempts to fix his hair in the mirror. it's a losing battle. he looks exactly like what he is: someone who just gave head for the first time and is riding the high of doing it well.

"next week?" he asks as you reach for the door, echoing his same words you’ve exchanged every week before.

you look back at him—at this transformed version of the boy you met months ago. "next week," you confirm. then, softer: "you really are a quick learner."

his answering smile is pure sin. "i've got a lot of catching up to do."

you slip out first, making your way back to the sanctuary. a few minutes later, jeongin appears in the choir loft, sliding into his spot just as the first hymn ends.

the choir director gives him a look but doesn't comment.

from your seat in the back pew, you watch him through the service. watch him sing with the same devotion he always has, except now you know what that devotion looks like when it's directed at you instead of god.

and when he catches your eye across the sanctuary, the heat in his gaze promises that next week can't come soon enough.

[a/n]: this is the longest fic that i’ve ever written T-T i’m not super used to writing out such long stuff that actually sees the light of day. i apologize for any and all inconsistencies that popped up in my writing, this was genuinely a bitch and a half to get finished, and i know damn well there are parts of this that aren’t really up to par. thank you for reading all the way through, though!! i respect your commitment and hope you enjoyed the ride :3

taglist: @interdimensionaldrunk @ihrtlix @catermybeloved @elylyyy @hanjisngs

[meanhore]

from an ex-churchgoer, the guilt is insane but this jeongin is freaking hot. love the build of this fic, incredibly insane.