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The woes of my brain. 

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Humanity is always a distraction

A concrete road slicing through a forest.

There’s beauty in the distraction, “ugliness in the success” -J. Cole

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My sister. A human I will forever watch grow as I grow.

Her laugh warms me, reminds me of the humor in every moment of commiseration.

I keep her close in my heart; a relationship I cherish more than any other friendship. This is my sister that is not my sister, yet she will always hold a place in my heart like the solid stubborn earth sign she is.

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Clueless but not aimless.

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A sunrise and a sunset on this chapter.

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A Dreamworld Visitor

I dreamed about you and it was bittersweet because I had to wake up. 

You were in the room with me, tall and handsome as ever. You were teaching a course, and I was a student. You shared to the group you had met someone, and I had to hide knowing it was me. 

Each time you looked at me we exchanged a knowing flirtatious look. You had met me and I had met you.  ~~

The rest of the dream detailed me leaving Australia and the incoming dread of knowing we would have a big goodbye followed by the challenge of distance once more.  ~~

I think you’re someone special. I’m trying to keep my wits about me. 

I wish I could kiss you and be held by you. 

64 days to go I suppose. 

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The sunset on the drive down. Wishing I could share the view with him.

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Lauren Willeys 

She wakes up in her neighbors bed after a little nap. Her neighbors have kids of her age, and they spend their time bouncing between playtime at houses. 

She sees a teddy bear with a missing eye… she can’t forget because it’s slightly haunting to her. 

Later those neighbors move to France, and her childhood playmates run off. 

Not long after the mother of those neighbors passes. 

On the inverse: 

My mother was bought a teddy bear from my father, and the dogs got into it removing an eye. It’s a weathered old bear. 

My mom passes and my brother and I are each gifted bear to remember her by. 

Mine is always missing an eye, it’s old, and well loved. 

At 24 my dog rips out the nose and eye, leaving it with only one eye remaining. That bear sits in my closet today, only to be pulled out on the hardest and loneliest of nights. 

Purpose and meaning is bestowed by human onto an object. To another human, it is a story-less object. 

One human’s eerie memory of an object is connected to another human’s memory.

In my mind, it is the embodiment of my mother forever watching over me. In her mind, it is an odd little bear looking at her when she awakes. 

Somehow we live in the the same reality with different realities. 

It’s good to think of that each time a perspective differs. 

Stories can be as shallow as a scrape or as deep as a cut. 

Impact is variable. 

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A good day at work.

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Booked

The flight is purchased.

I go in March.

A journey ahead, no idea what could it hold, but I know I will make the best of it.

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EGO

Mr. X has a big ego. I can easily find better.

What was once so attractive has lost a lot of its lure.

Not all of it, but a good bit of it. Some disappointment is for the better. I embrace this disgust, the sadness, the confusion. I invite it in, warm it by the fire, and nurture it back into something that will cherish me again. Nurse myself back to love, a self producing system feeding from me, through me, like blood replenished with oxygen.

I will find love. It's actually already here, it always has been.

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Non-Invasive

Interesting the processes we undergo as women in a society of modern Western medicine. Practices made to protect our health, pre-cancer screening. A test invented for the better, yet probably not created by a woman but a man. https://www.raleighmedicalgroup.com/blog/pap-smear-history/ I was right, created by a man. Only men could study or practice medicine for the majority of time it has existed in the way we know it. It's not the worst thing; it's non-invasive. There are less nerve endings in the vagina, therefore the pain is considered manageable. Of course there is much worse, biopsy, IUD insertion and removal, fibroids, endometriosis, minor and major surgeries, episiotomies, the list goes on. It's obvious there is less sympathy considered to the discomfort of purely existing as a woman receiving modern medicine. So today I had my little appointment. A second attempt, she warned likely to fail again, requiring a third attempt at a pap smear. She said my vaginal wall may be bleeding too easily. Not sure what that means, besides maybe being a bit of an annoyance.

I cried silently; I'm sure the tension and clenching was irritating on her end. I flinched, with each twist and crank. She apologized over and over again. She didn't want to have to do it either.

By far this was the most uncomfortable one I have ever had. I still feel the ghost of the insertion and scrapping now. I am taking care of myself tonight. Part of that is writing this, and expressing my genuine discomfort from invasive medicine. Of course I think it's important to go, but I have to heal now internally both literally and metaphorically.

I need my body to feel like mine and my choice. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy in that endeavor.

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An everpresence thats not ever present

Hi.

You would never be so terse. You give me time and thought when you write... and you USE MY NAME.

Say my name, again and again. I know your message was meant for me, not ever a mis-sent text.

I don't back and forth with you; 19 hours makes that a chore of time. I get my written notes from you in chunks, and I send them back, when the timing of the day suits us.

I really had fun on our first date. I hope my trip to Australia is amazing. I'm sorry if this becomes more fantasy then what it could actually be in reality.

My life gets to be a journey. I can chose romance. I cannot control, but I can freely chose. I chose to explore something foreign. Consider me not reckless but passionate.

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Australian Procrastination

I have delayed writing on this one, perhaps because of how big it feels. I have so much I want to say about him, yet nothing I want to say too soon.

Everyone has fantasy, but you have to know that it is a fantasy.

I fear talking about him would build an unreal fantasy, so I will pace him out, telling his story with me as it comes to me naturally.

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My next subject, when I get to paint for myself again.

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No hair tie at work, therefore fridge magnet bun

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Bye Somm

I'm sorry, I suppose maybe I knew sooner it wasn't you, but I had to be sure before I made my

He was damn persistent, i'll give him that. Perhaps mostly lacking in charm and fulfillment of my needs.

It's good to try, see what I like and what I don't.

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One should date how one shops; if you don't love it at the store you won't wear it at home.