hey i’m back because i’ve realized over the past couple months without this app i have nowhere to organize my thoughts & feel actually relieved about it so here i am.
i’m pissed off right now. i’m pissed that my career with makeup was supposed to take off in the summer with weddings but everyone is fucking canceling and nobody is answering me on thumbtack and all my clients i DO get are one person gigs or i have to travel all the way to fucking nyc or an hour in the car for it. i’m pissed right now because i’ve been talking to this girl all day and she literally bought the lashes i told her to buy for this fucking look & i was supposed to do her makeup in moorestown tomorrow at 3 before the sound of music preview and last minute she all the sudden says she can’t book me after talking to me all positively all fucking day.
2 of my fucking weddings have been canceled which means i’m losing hundreds of dollars i was supposed to make & have declined other opportunities on those dates. people hate answering their phones & waste my fucking leads on thumbtack with bullshit they aren’t even sure about, and i’m just fucking tired.
you have no idea how much i wish i could do this stable. or how much i wish i could be making money doing theatre. i fucking hate sitting around. i hate having nothing to wake up for and i hate not having a reason to get dressed. you know what else i hate? i hate having 14 dollars in my bank account because people can’t do their part (which is the easy part!! you literally get pampered!!!) i hate people making backhanded comments implying i’m not hardworking or implying i’m lazy. i hate that i’m gonna have to get a retail job (which i feel like i’ll crawl out of my skin) because what was supposed to work isnt fucking working. i hate that i peaked when i first started with my clientele. i hate it all. i really fucking do.
omg guys a fun little list!! jobs i was booked for that have gotten canceled in the past couple weeks! :D
- wedding for mel (300+ dollars) reason: lots of deaths in family lately (understandable of course, no anger there).
-wedding for sophia (200+ dollars) reason: they got covid, obviously understandable
-client in moorestown (80+ dollars) reason: no fucking idea, annoyed
-day 1 of short film shooting (80+ dollars) reason: couldn’t have anymore than 10 people in the filming location. wtf.
my prices aren’t even high. they’re literally fucking low. most makeup artists charge between 100-125 per face. i literally charge 70 + a small travel fee. why can’t i be successful. i’m not an idiot, i know my work is good. i know the content i put out is good & i know i’m kind and professional. why is it not good enough, why is it never good enough???
i know realistically it’s not my path, but sometimes i wonder if it would’ve just been easier in the long run if i went to college. even just community college. had some dumb degree in some stupid fucking field and got some stupid stable job i’d hate… but at least i’d have money and friends that i didn’t meet in high school. at least maybe i’d have a reason to wake up in the morning. maybe people wouldn’t passive aggressively call me lazy.
i don’t know how i’m going to figure out money in the future in general, i don’t know how to do anything because i was too depressed in high school because of fucking covid ruining everything to give a shit enough to learn about it.
not to mention some other problems.. summer emetophobia is spiking again, i’ve totally lost my oral hygiene to depression, i feel like everything in my life (my car, my room, my stationery, my makeup, my planner/job, etc), is unorganized… i have this weird feeling that my partner doesn’t love me like he used to (doubt that’s true, just an intrusive thought), i can’t step foot into his house because his mom screamed at me, and i’m kinda anxious about something stupid having to do with my 3 beagles. i just feel so overwhelmed & powerless right now. i hate falling asleep anxious, waking up alone in the morning, and trying to find hobbies/productive things to do until everyone gets home from their fucking lives.. since i don’t have one.
i’m sorry for this negative ass post, i doubt (and hope) nobody will see it anyways but basically i just fucking hate my life right now & wish i had more routine. but i don’t want to create my own routine. i want things to fall into place like they were fucking supposed to.
i want a life. but having one seems so overwhelming. but not having one is the most depressing underwhelming thing in the fucking universe.
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