Meditation Kicks Ass

sit. stay. heal.

[meditationkicksass]

Year Three Week Twenty-One

My Crib, Cherrywood, ATX

So I know this is 

RATHER ABRUPT

but at least for awhile

MAYBE FOREVER

this is the 

LAST INSTALLMENT

of

Meditation Kicks Ass

I think it is 

EPISODE #437

which means cumulatively

somewhere between 

ONE QUARTER AND ONE HALF MILLION

words dedicated to

observing my practice

and the ways it has brought

SO MUCH POSITIVE CHANGE

into my life

I am 

SO GRATEFUL

to all of you who’ve tuned in

those who’ve followed

THE ENTIRE JOURNEY

and those who’ve just

POPPED IN NOW AND THEN

the reasons I am taking

A BREAK

include the sudden changes

of the past couple of months

most notably 

THE ACQUISITION 

of a ranch and ranch house

that need much work

and also

THE NEED TO FOCUS

on my

TINY CHAPEL DREAM

I know we only have

EACH MOMENT

and I know I am

NOT IN CONTROL

but still

I have a working deadline

to try to get  

the chapel going

to create this space

which will be used for

among other things

MEDITATION RETREATS

the work I had to do

to get the ranch

was pretty intense

which is not a complaint

it was really really cool

to see how much I could learn so fast

with the guidance of so many

SMART FRIENDS

but once the deal was done

I fell 

QUITE ILL

that was ten days ago

I am 

STILL SICK

on the mend but 

STILL SUFFERING PHYSICALLY

which is always 

a sharp if unwanted reminder that

WE ALL HAVE LIMITS

I was stuck in bed

for many days

which gave me 

TIME TO THINK

and as ever

MY MEDITATION 

helped me truly focus

on what most needs my attention

I have got to

SELL MY HOUSE

and 

I have got to

PACK MY HOUSE

and 

I have got to

MOVE MY HOUSE

and then I have to

OVERSEE FIXING THE NEW HOUSE

which means I 

simply must

take a break from

some of my very

WELL ESTABLISHED ROUTINES

including this blog

This is not the first time

I have posted a picture

sitting in front of

THE LINE OF GRATITUDE

the place where I collect

all of the many 

THANK YOU CARDS

people send me

I think that

this will be the

VERY LAST THING I PACK

I want to leave it up

til the end

It is such a

WONDERFUL DYNAMIC SOUVENIR

of ten and a half

AMAZING YEARS

in this house

and so

again I say

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

Thank you for reading this

Thank you for helping fund my

MEDITATION BOOK

Thank you for 

ENCOURAGING ME

Thank you for

BEING PART OF MY TINY CHAPEL DREAM

and above all

THANK YOU FOR BREATHING WITH ME

Today I

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and I

BOW DEEPLY

Namaste Y’all

Love

Spike

NOTES: There’s a benefit concert at Spider House on 10/18 to raise funds for the Tiny Chapel. There’s also a FB page where you can follow the Tiny Chapel Dream news. And if you’d like to, you can MAKE A DONATION HERE. Thanks!

[meditationkicksass]

Year Three, Week Twenty

Sick Bed, My Crib

I don’t get sick often

but when I do

I AM SUCH A HUGE BABY

(with all due respect to babies)

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

being sick

but then

I really do try to

LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE

this all started yesterday

and by last night

my throat was sufficiently sore

that I decided to go to

URGENT CARE

rather unusual for me to

be something like proactive

regarding illness

I almost always just

TOUGH IT OUT

but yesterday I was remembering

the time I had strep so bad

and I waited way too long

to seek care

and how the nurse practitioner

who checked me out

RECOILED 

at what she saw

said she wasn’t even going to

wait for the culture results

and she loaded me up not just with

ANTIBIOTICS

but also 

VICODIN

because that is the agony I was in

so realising this could

happen again

and knowing I have

couples counting on me

to marry them in a few days

and also ACL company arriving 

whom I do not want to infect

I got me to the walk-in clinic

and this was a 

SUCH A GREAT EXPERIENCE

because as I drove over

I thought about how

WOW! I CAN AFFORD THIS!

and also about how

WOW! I HAVE INSURANCE!

and how that insurance might even

cover the visit

and also about how

I’m mostly healthy

and then at the clinic

THEY WERE SO NICE

really, if you don’t count the part

where I feel like

TOTAL SHIT

it was all so wonderful 

so I was 

OOZING GRATITUDE

in addition to mucus

then more gratitude because

I got the great news

IT’S NOT STREP

but nonetheless 

I have been leveled

and cannot get up from this bed

I am just 

RESTING RESTING RESTING

so I can teach a class tonight

and I’m sitting here

thinking about why

BEING SICK IS SCARY

and I know the answer

because it reminds me with

ABSOLUTE CLARITY

how really not in control I am

and it 

RINGS THE BELL OF IMPERMANENCY

and makes me acknowledge

how very short this ride is

BEING SICK

is also scary because it

reminds me of my

VULNERABILITY

and how much I

don’t like 

ASKING FOR HELP

but then that in turn

reminds me of how

ACTUALLY

I have totally learned how to

ASK

and

RECEIVE

and

UNDERSTAND THAT’S OKAY

Toward that end

I have wonderful news

in case you’ve not already heard

My Angel Investors

BOUGHT ME A RANCH!!

One day I will buy it back from them

but for now

they made it possible

for me to

have a place

out in the country

with a big house

and plenty of land

where I can host

weddings and funerals and concerts

and also

writing and meditation retreats

and also offer

SANCTUARY TO GRIEVING PARENTS

with the

TINY CHAPEL

I am working on getting

this is all

so beyond my wildest dreams

it is amazing

and so my

GRATITUDE GROWS 

Today I

Mouth Breathe In

and I

Mouth Breathe Out

and I will allow myself

a wee little

PITY PARTY

but really

mostly

I’m just

GRATEFUL

Thank you

NOTES: There’s a benefit concert at Spider House on 10/18 to raise funds for the Tiny Chapel. There’s also a FB page where you can follow the Tiny Chapel Dream news. And if you’d like to, you can MAKE A DONATION HERE. Thanks!

[meditationkicksass]

Year Three, Week Nineteen

My Crib, Cherrywood

The first year of this blog

I wrote an entry

EVERY DAY

I look back and

kind of can’t believe

I DID THAT

The second and third years

I have posted

ONCE PER WEEK

without fail

This week

I AM SO TIRED

and

I HAVE SO MUCH GOING ON

really I am

JUST WHIPPED

but in the interest of

MAINTAINING THE PRACTICE

I thought I would

at least just pop in and

SAY HELLO

nothing profound today

no soaring metaphors

no wild encouragement

maybe just a reminder that

even when you 

don’t feel like

SHOWING UP

you should still

TRY

Today I

Breathe In

and I 

Breathe Out

and

I hope you are 

having an

OKAY DAY

Thank you

[meditationkicksass]

Year Three, Week Eighteen

Monhegan Island Sunset

Yesterday had some obstacles

Really there was just 

ONE BIG ONE

and a few little 

satellite irritations

that seemed bigger

because they 

TOOK ON THE ENERGY

of the 

BIG BUMP

A lot of you know

I am trying to

buy a

TINY CHAPEL

to put on some land

so I can 

CREATE A SPACE

for weddings and funerals 

and other gatherings

with the

BIGGEST GOAL

being to help

ALLEVIATE SUFFERING

I have had 

such a ridiculous 

amount of help

from so many of you

THANK YOU

one source of help

has come from

ANGEL INVESTORS

who bid on a beautiful property

where I can put the chapel

one of these investors

flew to town 

to see the property

and make the bid

whilst he was here

we visited the maker

of the 

TINY CHAPEL

that man has such

amazing vision

and

SUPER MAD SKILLS

when it comes to building

but yesterday he was

at least my perception

REALLY FUCKING PISSED OFF

he wants me to 

pony up $50,000

which I have been

scurrying to raise

I’m not there yet

this week I am

selling my house

I’m doing the best I can

it’s all I can do

it’s what I’ve told him

ALL ALONG

but I got the idea yesterday

that he was accusing me

of lying or lacking integrity

or maybe he was just

trying to push my buttons

here’s the thing

IT DIDN’T WORK

not in the long run

in the short term

in the moment

as he was railing on me

and also

railing on my friend

INTERNALLY I FELT REACTIONARY

externally though

I tried to just

Breathe In

and

Breathe Out

I tried to have

COMPASSION 

for him

I tried to understand

some of his stress

comes from needing the money

and I also know

he has

VERY DEEP GRIEF

that informs his life

on a daily basis

it still didn’t feel good

being yelled at

and when I said

YOU’RE ANGRY

he said

NO-- I’M DISAPPOINTED

which did nothing to soothe me

since that word

DISAPPOINTED

is such a trigger word

it is so very much

MY ANGRY DAD

but still

MOSTLY AND TO MY SORT OF SURPRISE

I didn’t take it too personally

and at the end of the conversation

still unclear on if 

I will get this chapel

or if he will sell it to the next guy

or even if I want to

do business with a guy who 

YELLS AT ME

well I said to him

DUDE LET ME TELL YOU WHAT

even if I never

see you again after today

your chapel

will always be 

AT THE HEART

of this endeavor that

has sprung up

in the past six weeks

YOUR CHAPEL

has been the catalyst

it has already 

brought so many people together

I don’t know 

if he heard me

I hope he did

Driving back to Austin

I felt kind of sick

I felt like

WELL THAT’S THE END OF THAT

but then

thanks to

MEDITATION

I stopped and assessed

MY REALITY

I was very very very 

TIRED

and I was very very very

OVER-CAFFEINATED

and I have been

BURNING IT AT BOTH ENDS

and I know these things

TAKE A TOLL

so I took action

I called two of my

BEST FRIENDS

and I said

Hey Will You Talk Me Down

and they did

and it was

actually pretty easy

and then

later in the day

when I thought about

how I was thinking about

how maybe the

SUN HAD SET ON GETTING THAT CHAPEL

I thought about 

Wayne Coyne’s

EXCELLENT LYRICS

in the song

DO YOU REALIZE

where he sings

The sun doesn’t go down

It’s just an illusion caused by the world

Spinning Round

The sun didn’t go down yesterday

I did get a little dizzy

from my world spinning too fast

but I remembered this

ALL THIS EXHAUSTION

ALL THIS WORK

ALL THIS THINKING

All of it is me

moving toward

this dream

of

MAKING A HEALING SPACE

and no matter

where it winds up being

and no matter

what building we end up with

IT

WILL

HAPPEN

Today I

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and I just want to 

keep saying

THANKS EVERYBODY

We are getting there

With Love

and

With Gratitude

[meditationkicksass]

Year Three, Week Seventeen

Monhegan Island, Maine

I am back in

MY HAPPY PLACE

how fortunate I am

to visit here

TWICE EACH YEAR

to make my retreats happen

I have to work

to earn my keep

and that is

FINE BY ME

you know

come to think of it

MEDITATION

is how I work to keep

MY SANITY

and that

is also

FINE BY ME

I love every view

on this amazing island

but I really really really

LOVE

looking out over 

THE CEMETERY

it’s a great reminder of

IMPERMANENCE

I have so much going on right now

I am happy with all of it

but every day

I tell myself

STAY GROUNDED

and

I tell myself

PAY ATTENTION

and

I tell myself

one day

on a day I cannot know

CEMETERY

I need to remember that

So...

Thank you 

MONHEGAN ISLAND

for all of the views

for the salty air

for the incredible respite

for giving me a place

to feel safe

and

to slow down

at least by my standards.

I am so 

GRATEFUL

Today I

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and I hope that 

you can find a way to

RETREAT

even if it is

just in your backyard

THANK YOU

NOTE: I am posting this as my Tiny Chapel IndieGoGo campaign winds down. I REALLY REALLY REALLY need help to make this dream come true. Please check out the campaign and donate if you can. Thank you! Here’s the link: 

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/going-to-the-chapel/x/3208269#/story

[meditationkicksass]

Year Three, Week Sixteen

My Crib, Cherrywood, ATX

Today a 

GENTLE REMINDER

about starting and maintaining

A DAILY PRACTICE

It is now nearly 

THIRTY-THREE MONTHS

since I became 

DEEPLY COMMITTED

to my 

MEDITATION

I did begin meditating in 2000

but there were many 

STOPS AND STARTS

some days I meditated three minutes

some days none at all

sometimes I took off

DAYS WEEKS A YEAR

but the blessing of an

EXTREMELY BRUTAL DEPRESSION

in December 2012

when for the ten billionth time

in my life

being alive felt 

OVERWHELMINGLY PAINFUL

was that I knew 

I had to do something

I knew the 

TRUE ME

wanted to live

and to thrive 

and to

turn the volume way down on

MY SUFFERING

so I decided to get

super serious about

MEDITATION

and ever since then

I HAVE NOT MISSED A SINGLE DAY

and ever since then

I HAVE NEVER HAD ANOTHER DEPRESSION

this is truly

I mean really

ABSOLUTELY

nothing short of

MIRACULOUS

Here’s something

really funny and awesome

about my practice

Over on Facebook

I post quite a few pictures of

THE AMAZING REBOUND

meditating with me

I know those pictures look staged

And though it’s true I can’t take them 

while I am actually meditating

those images represent

THE TRUTH

over the years I have been

SITTING

Rebound has trained herself

to join me

Every single time

I sit down to 

MEDITATE

she comes over

and either stares

DIRECTLY INTO MY FACE

(which I can feel

even though my eyes are closed)

or she lies very still 

right in front of me

until the 

FINAL GONG

of my meditation app

let’s us know

our session for the day is finished

So if Rebound

who, to be honest,

is not the

SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED

can figure out 

A DAILY PRACTICE

trust me here

SO CAN YOU

Just remember

as with everything

it’s all about

BABY STEPS

If you start with

just one minute per day

of simply

PAYING ATTENTION

to your breathing

THAT COUNTS

do that for a few days or weeks

then you can move to

sitting on a cushion

and closing your eyes

and you can do that

for three minutes

and build up to five

just please 

DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP

as you learn

THE BEAUTY OF MEDITATION

and don’t forget

as long as you are

TRYING

and as long as you are

BREATHING

Well then

YOU ARE NOT DOING IT WRONG

oh no, not at all

YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT

Today I 

Breathe in

and I

Breathe out

And I am so grateful

for my practice

and for my

MEDITATION BUDDY

Thank you

NOTE: I am working very hard now to raise funds to open a Meditation Center/Wedding Chapel/Community Gathering Space in Austin, TX. If you are able to, please consider contributing to my TINY CHAPEL FUND. You can just CLICK THIS LINK. Any donation helps. Thank you so much!

[meditationkicksass]

Year Three, Week Fifteen

Sitting in the Light

I had such an excellent

MEDITATION

this morning 

it was really so great

it wasn’t one of the 

VERY VERY RARE ONES

where for a split second

I am actually completely 

IN THE MOMENT

and lose track of

where my body ends

and the air around me begins

(and ironically disappears

that other moment

the moment I become 

aware of the moment

I am completely in)

But then it wasn’t 

one of those sits

where I am so 

RIDDLED WITH ANXIETY

that the session 

feels something like

FUTILE

like I am paying 

LAME LIP SERVICE

to my practice

instead of those extremes

TODAY WAS A MIDDLE PATH DAY

I had moments of

Breathing In

and

Breathing Out

that were simply about

Breathing In

and 

Breathing Out

and then some

THOUGHTS CAME IN

but unlike so many 

other days this summer

and 

so many other sits

I was not

FEELING SICK

I had a good sense of

RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW

it was so lovely

and then of course

MY MIND WANDERED

and as I often do

I started writing in my head

something was coming in

about the middle path

an analogy to all of

THE WEIGHT

I have gained and lost

and lost and gained

in my life

I have been

UP AND DOWN THE SCALES

like a concert pianist

sometimes giving into

culture’s demands that

to be “beautiful”

I must not eat

sometimes giving into

the pain of heartbreak and worry

EMOTIONAL DISCOMFORT THAT PRECLUDES EATING

other times I went

the other way

and just

STUFFED MY FACE

and put it all back on

and then some

in my adult life

upon my 5′5″ frame

I have at times

carried 125 pounds

and at other times

cleared 200 pounds

(granted the high end

came with pregnancy

but still)

These days

I just hang out in the middle

usually around

A BUCK AND A HALF

recently I dropped a few

not out of extreme desire to do so

more of a combination of

SO MUCH SUMMER ANXIETY

and also a concerted effort to

lay off sugar and wheat

because they cause my

ARTHRITIS 

to flare painfully

You know I say that

but just this morning

I had a 

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE

for breakfast

and as I ate it

I thought

THAT WAS A GOOD CHOICE

because it really did

make me so happy

this is where 

I try to stay now

in my 

MIND BODY SPIRIT

somewhere in the middle

NOT TOO MANY EXTREMES

I work to not

beat myself up

if my

MEDITATION

doesn’t yield

PROFOUND ENLIGHTENMENT

or 

totally eradicate my

ANXIETY

I think of my anxiety as 

MY MIND’S WEIGHT

I won’t ever 

hit some ideal

and some days

(so very many days recently)

MY MIND’S WEIGHT

felt like such a burden

today though

as I sat on my cushion

which is the mind’s version of

STEPPING ONTO THE SCALE

I noted that

I was in a place that

FELT VERY COMFORTABLE

and 

I had so much

GRATITUDE

another reminder that

you can’t do anything in

ONE FELL SWOOP

you just gotta

KEEP AT IT

Today I

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and it’s nice that

MY MIND’S PANTS

are neither

TOO TIGHT

or

TOO LOOSE

Thank You

NOTE: If you are able to, please consider contributing to my TINY CHAPEL FUND. You can just CLICK THIS LINK. Any donation helps. Thank you so much!

[meditationkicksass]

Year Three, Week Fourteen,

Downtown ATX

I have written 

QUITE A BIT

about the 

too much too fast

CHANGES 

happening in 

MY BELOVED AUSTIN

and no big surprise

despite all of my

BELLYACHING

it’s not like

the developers have

heeded my call

packed up

abandoned their projects

apologised, bowed, and 

LEFT THE BUILDINGS

oh no

they are 

STILL AT IT

and you know

it’s tired but true

THE ONLY CONSTANT IS CHANGE

and so I must

ADJUST

either by figuring out a way

to stay here

or 

taking it somewhere else

I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE

well wait

I might be moving a little bit

because suddenly

in my own life

this has been

THE SUMMER OF ASTONISHING CHANGE

so many things are happening

things I never saw coming

(because of course

that is how so often it goes)

Some of you know

I am currently trying to

CROWD FUND A TINY CHAPEL

the plan is

I will sell my

BELOVED HOUSE

the one I thought I’d die in

and use the money

to buy the land

to put the chapel

to make the space

to hopefully help

ALLEVIATE SUFFERING

this plan has

so many moving parts

any single part could

GRIND TO A HALT

at any given moment

but I am trying very hard 

to just

EMBRACE THE POSSIBILITIES

last week

I made the mistake of

GETTING ATTACHED TO THE NARRATIVE

this left me

constantly worried

WHAT IF THIS PART FAILS?

WHAT IF THAT PART FAILS?

and then a wise electrician

reminded me of

IMPERMANENCE

and he said

FOCUS ON THE VISION

and worry less about the specifics

LET THE DETAILS APPEAR IN TIME

man I needed to hear that

right when I heard it

and it allowed me to

BREATHE

and just

LET GO

I am still

VERY VERY VERY EXCITED

at the prospect of

creating a

HEALING SPACE

I know it will happen

I cannot wait to see

just how it does

Today I

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and I say

THANK YOU 

to everyone who has

lovingly encouraged me

as I leap into this place called

HOPE

NOTE: If you are able to, please consider contributing to my TINY CHAPEL FUND. You can just CLICK THIS LINK. Any donation helps. Thank you so much!

[meditationkicksass]

Year Three, Week Thirteen

Hanging Out With Love Ladies

The other night

I had this 

AMAZING OPPORTUNITY

I was invited to 

lead a talk about

MEDITATION

and then to

MEDITATE

with this wonderful

group of friends

they met years ago

as parents of kids

around the same age

then one day

tragedy struck the group

and this was a

KEEN REMINDER

about impermanence

and about grief 

and about the need to

BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER ALWAYS

they still meet

they remind each other

they are there for each other

THEY ARE SANGHA

Thich Nhat Hanh 

tells us that 

the best we can do

for one another is 

to remind each other always

I LOVE YOU

and

I AM HERE FOR YOU

This is what they do for each other

when we sat down to meditate

something really hilarious happened

the teenage kids

of our lovely hostess

moved in and out of the room

and stage whispered

WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

as we tried to sit

eyes closed

BREATHING

and focusing on our breath

a basketball bounced

on the kitchen floor

Myrtle the Ancient Boston Terrier

sat among us 

SNORING LOUDLY

I admit that

more than one of us

CRACKED UP

and I definitely was

one of the ones who

HAD TO LAUGH

It was all good though

in fact it was

BETTER THAN GOOD

because as I pointed out

the teenagers and the snoring

were this 

MAGNIFICENT METAPHOR

for the reality of life

and

for the reality of

MEDITATION PRACTICE

we do not live

in a bubble

in a vacuum

in a silent forest

OUR MINDS ARE FULL

thoughts come in

like bouncing basketballs

and snoring dogs

and funny kids

and that is

JUST FINE

we just say

of the thoughts

of the kids

of the dogs

I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU

and then we

KEEP BREATHING

Oh I had so much fun

hanging out with these

WONDERFUL WOMEN

Today I 

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and I have so much gratitude

FOR COMMUNITY

Thank you

IMPORTANT NOTE: Speaking of community-- a wonderful, wonderful opportunity has come into my life. I am trying to crowd fund the acquisition of a gorgeous TINY CHAPEL made lovingly with all salvaged materials. If I get it, it will be used for weddings, funerals, meditation classes, writing workshops, and as a sanctuary for people who are grieving, in particular for parents grieving the loss of children. I know it is a really big thing to ask you, my community, for help. I AM ASKING. Please help me. ANY DONATION would be SO AWESOME. To donate you can just CLICK THIS LINK RIGHT HERE. And please pass it on. THANK YOU SO MUCH! Namaste!

[meditationkicksass]

Year Three, Week Twelve

DIMES, Manhattan, NY

A couple of weeks ago

I was visiting Henry in NY

and we went to this

adorable little restaurant

DIMES

and I went to the loo

and I was sitting there

minding my own business

when I realised there was a 

calming male voice

ENGLISH ACCENT 

if I remember right

and I tune in

and I hear that he is

offering me

A GUIDED MEDITATION

right there

whilst I am 

TAKING A WHIZ

he is telling me to

BREATHE DEEPLY

that totally cracked me up

and recalls for me

when I went to 

MEDITATION CAMP

many years ago with

THICH NHAT HANH

(sorry to name drop)

they emphasized to us

GRATITUDE FOR EVERYTHING

and they specifically mentioned

that we should

BE GRATEFUL WHILST SHITTING

Look

I’m not always grateful

but i’m getting better at it

and I am getting better at

MINDFUL BREATHING ALWAYS

no matter where I am

in the last couple of posts

I mentioned I’ve been

WRESTLING WITH ANXIETY

of the sort that

had mostly been in remission

for some time

IT WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE

and kept manifesting as

A VERY BAD STOMACHACHE

and I paid attention a

as best I could

I kept asking myself

if this pain represented

RED FLAGS

or

FEAR OF VULNERABILITY

of course the answer could

very well be

ALL OF THE ABOVE

I still have some of that anxiety

but it is quieting down now

reminding me once again about

IMPERMANENCE 

I am just going to keep

trying to

PAY ATTENTION

and to 

BE MINDFUL

and to

REMEMBER TO BREATHE

wherever I am

Today I 

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and I say

THANK YOU DISEMBODIED BATHROOM GURU

thank you very much

Please help support this blog. You can buy my meditation book here:http://meditationkicksass.tumblr.com/buythebook or you can make an adorable little monthly contribution at https://www.patreon.com/spikegillespiethanks!

[meditationkicksass]

Year Three, Week Eleven

Dr. Steven Van Wicklen’s Office, ATX

There are times 

when I very 

PURPOSEFULLY

set out to do some

HARD WORK

This summer was 

not supposed to be

ONE OF THOSE TIMES

but then sometimes

you know

THE WORK JUST GETS ALL UP IN YOUR GRILL

and it says

Hello There Up and At ‘Em

and you can either

DUCK AND COVER

or you can

GET IN THERE AND WORK

well here’s a little secret

really you can’t actually

DUCK AND COVER

because even under the covers

THE WORK SHOWS UP

I’ve spent the past month

wrestling more than seemingly usual

with my 

ANXIETY

don’t get me wrong

the anxiety is pretty much

always there

but often my

MEDITATION

quiets it to a manageable level

not lately

so I have been making myself

try to address this situation

A couple of days ago

I was lying back 

UTTERLY HELPLESS

in the dentist chair

as I was undergoing a 

FOURTH ROUND OF ROOT CANAL

this all started back in winter

I have really fucked up teeth

in this instance

despite the application of

TONS OF NOVOCAIN

and additional 

TONS OF ROOT KILLER

Every time my dentist

THE AMAZING STEVE

went in there

I could feel it

I mean

I COULD FEEL IT

so he would say

Okay, let’s close it up and come back later

Part of me wanted to just

PUSH THROUGH THE PAIN

but mostly I concurred

because sometimes you cannot

get to the root of something

very old and very deep

all in one sitting

LET ME STATE THE OBVIOUS HERE

yes-- as I am wont to

I’m reaching for the

LOW-HANGING METAPHOR

this week

The good news is that

during this last session

Steve finally yanked the last root

filled up the tooth

and sent me on my way

SO MUCH RELIEF

but before I got out of that chair

I had 

MANY MANY THOUGHTS

like how when I met him

in 1994

I had such extreme 

DENTAL PHOBIA

I used to have to take

anti-anxiety medication

just to leave my house

and get to the office

and how he worked with me

him and his incredibly patient staff

and how many times he said to me

at the end of sessions

IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD

a platitude I once dismissed with a smile

until I began to really understand

his point

until I really began to have

A HAPPY CHILDHOOD

that did not begin until my thirties or beyond

So there i was in the chair

and I was observing how

the only way to get this thing done

was to be still and

let Steve do the driving

and this in turn amused me

as I realised that among other things

this has been the summer of

letting men named Steve do the driving

By applause--

how many of you remember

The Kids in the Hall?

And the song about

These are the Daves I know, I know

Well it dawned on me that

I could substitute Steve in that song

my life is overflowing with 

Steves/Stevens/Stephans

and all of them have

contributed very much this summer

to healing a 

SUPER ROOT FEAR

that has haunted me

my entire life

which is namely this:

MEN

Not all men

Not all the time

But very often I find myself

in a situation where

a wave of irrational fear hits

My therapist helped me understand

this is a pre-verbal thing

relating back to when I was very small

and at the mercy of a very scary man

because apparently 

IT’S NEVER TOO SOON TO HAVE A SHITTY CHILDHOOD

even though intellectually

I know 

I AM SAFE NOW

sometimes the fear still sneaks up on me

and it can be

CRUSHINGLY PARALYZING 

Ultimately I know that

I have to do the hardest work

ON MY OWN

but it’s always good

to have some help

not just for the help itself

but also because 

ACCEPTING HELP

is part of the learning too

I mean think about it

would you want to perform

YOUR OWN ROOT CANAL

and so this array of

Steves/Stevens/Stephens

has shown up to

fix my teeth

ink my back

drive me around

on motorcycle and in muscle car

talk about spirituality

talk about vulnerability

and inspire me to

hold up to the light

and examine

admittedly whilst sometimes

WINCING

the places inside of me

that are still pretty dark

that the light of my

MEDITATION 

has not yet reached

that I still am 

PRETTY FUCKING SCARED TO LOOK AT

but I am trying

I am working on it

I am going to 

GET TO THE ROOT 

of these things

Nowadays I can 

sashay easily into

Steven the Dentist’s Office

even if I know

he is going to push

multiple needles 

into the roof of my mouth

even if I know I will be

SICK WITH POUNDING HEAD PAIN

for days after

I’m totally fine with it

I know

in the long run

that he is working

to make right

what all those years of

bad childhood dentistry

messed up

I needed 

so much proof

I needed 

so many visits

Patient

PATIENCE

Today I

Breathe in

and I 

Breathe out

and I am so grateful

for the people who

guide me through the darkness

and

through the pain

and 

wait for me

to see the light

Thank you

Please help support this blog. You can buy my meditation book here:http://meditationkicksass.tumblr.com/buythebook or you can make an adorable little monthly contribution at https://www.patreon.com/spikegillespie thanks!

[meditationkicksass]

Year Three, Week Ten Elisabet Ney Museum Jennifer Chenoweth Sculpture

I'm sitting at CAFE GRUMPY in Brooklyn typing up this little entry I'm thinking about how just a few days ago MY MIND WAS A FUCKING MESS it was like a super big piece of ENIGMATIC IKEA FURNITURE and instead of being the powerful tool that MEDITATION usually is for me instead meditation seemed like that stupid little IKEA ALLEN WRENCH which is supposed to be ALL YOU NEED but instead you wind up crying and screaming GET ME THE FUCKING HAMMER It's been quite some time since my mind got as freaked out as it was last week and hard as I tried to examine all the pieces and put them in some order and make some sense so I could PROPERLY ASSEMBLE (or re-assemble) my mind into something practical and useful well I was FAILING but at least I kind of knew to not beat myself up for this SO CALLED FAILING because you see that's the thing about A MEDITATION PRACTICE even when things are FALLING APART they are FALLING APART LESS I could see things that were getting to me THE HEAT MY SON'S RECENT BAD FORTUNE TRAVELING WITH THE DOGS (which is fun but still a little stressful) I engaged in some SELF-CARE in the form of continued meditation and unloading on KIND FRIENDS still it was feeling SO JUMBLED IN THERE and then finally came Sunday and I flew to New York a place I mostly CANNOT STAND but just touching down at JFK I felt the ELUSIVE EXHALE finally come to me and in that moment I understood that the biggest source of my suffering had been working myself into A STATE OF CONSTANT WORRY about my son this despite knowing none of us are IN CONTROL OF ANYTHING not really I just could not NOT GET ATTACHED to a NEGATIVE NARRATIVE that had him in CONSTANT PERIL the relief I felt upon seeing him and hugging him and hearing him was so very PALPABLE and the many pieces of my MENTAL IKEA FURNITURE suddenly clicked into place I hope that the NEXT TIME I am lost in the SUFFERING known as WORRYING I can look back on this and try to not GO THERE AGAIN but of course the thing about IKEA FURNITURE (and our minds) is that there's this sort of AMNESIA once you are done crying and screaming once you put the hammer down once you figure out how it all goes together you think I WILL NEVER FORGET how to put this together but then you wait just long enough to forget and so you must BEGIN AGAIN Today I Breathe In and I Breathe Out And I am grateful that the ANXIETY RECEDES This is that thing we call IMPERMANENCE it is our ULTIMATE ALLEN WRENCH Thank you

Please help support this blog. You can buy my meditation book here: http://meditationkicksass.tumblr.com/buythebook or you can make an adorable little monthly contribution at https://www.patreon.com/spikegillespie thanks!

[meditationkicksass]

Year Three, Week Nine

Esther’s Follies, Sixth Street, ATX

So much to

THINK ABOUT

this week

There are

THREE THINGS

I most wish to discuss

The First Is:

SANGHA

The Second Is:

ILLUSION

The Third Is:

MAGIC

In the picture

I am sitting with my friends

SHANNON AND RAY

Shannon co-founded

ESTHER’S FOLLIES

Thirty-Eight Years Ago

It’s hard for me to wrap my head

around the fact that

THIS HILARIOUS SHOW

has been around for

nearly four decades

because it is

SO FRESH STILL

whenever I go

I laugh so hard

my sides literally ache

But my love for Esther’s

goes deeper than 

BEING ENTERTAINED

when I first moved to Austin

in the Fall of 1991

I had just one friend

who lived here

and I had a little baby

and I felt

VERY ISOLATED

and was having a very hard time

CONNECTING

then I scored some 

freelance writing with

THE AUSTIN CHRONICLE

and that led me to write about

TURK PIPKIN

and he suggested I apply 

for a job at Esther’s

which I did

and I wound up working there

in a number of capacities

at Esther’s proper

and also at their other clubs

the short-lived Diva’s Cabaret

and the

RENOWNED VELVEETA ROOM

from barking to bartending to managing

I got a lot of experience

and more importantly

I MADE SO MANY FRIENDS

it was a crazy place to work

so much going on 

during show time

My stint didn’t last terribly long

but into my life it brought

connections I maintain to this day

Making friends in general

is such a lovely thing

Finding friends when one is

brand new to a place

and suffering due to 

FEAR AND LONELINESS

is not just incredible

it is also

SOUL HEALING

I have gone on to

find so many more

great people here

in part thanks to my

Esther’s Connections

and I have been inspired

to stage shows of my own

Austin is such a 

SANGHA OF CREATIVE PEOPLE

supporting each other

Now about

ILLUSION

Ray Anderson is 

MY FAVORITE MAGICIAN IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE

he is brilliant

his comic timing is stunning

and his 

SERIOUS ILLUSIONS

are breathtaking

he always leaves me

wanting to know 

HOW DOES HE DO IT?

a feeling that is completely countered by

NOT WANTING TO KNOW

because Ray totally makes me

BELIEVE IN MAGIC

but still

when I see him

literally work his magic

I do stop to consider the idea of

ILLUSION

and how some magic is

performed with

SLEIGHT OF HAND

and

DIVERSION

I find that

you can take these principles

and an 

APPLY THEM TO YOUR MIND

for example

for the past week

I have been deeply entrenched in

A CIRCLE OF HELL THAT WOULD GIVE DANTE PAUSE

otherwise known as

AT&T CUSTOMER “SERVICE”

which would be more aptly labeled

CUSTOMER DISSERVICE

we all know that

these big communications corporations

have us by the short ones

I have been fucked over by AT&T

and many other corporations

on a very regular basis

I have

LOST MY SHIT TOTALLY

in many interactions with them

but I have to say that

even though today I am

KIND OF FRUSTRATED

and even though I have now lost

in the past week

six or seven hours of my life

I WILL NEVER GET BACK

trying to resolve a situation that

has yet to be resolved

that when I talked to today’s supervisor

and when I opened the call by

calmly explaining to him

that if he doesn’t fix it

I WILL DEDICATE MY LIFE TO DESTROYING AT&T

thanks to all my

MEDITATION

I was really relatively calm

I kept thinking about

the catalyst for this situation

which is that last week

MY SON GOT JUMPED

and 

HE GOT PUNCHED IN THE FACE

and

HE FELL TO THE GROUND

and

HE HIT HIS HEAD

and

HE WAS UNCONSCIOUS

and

HIS FACE AND TEETH GOT FUCKED UP

and also

HIS PHONE GOT STOLEN

and frankly

of that list of things

the very least of my concerns

is an absent electronic device

I HAVE GRATITUDE EVERY MOMENT

that he was not killed

he seems to not have TBI

and I can find away to 

get his teeth fixed

Still I really wish that

AT&T

a company to which I’ve given

tens of thousands of dollars

over thirteen years

WOULD GET THEIR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER

and just send me a new phone

but a combination of seven reps

have managed to be 

UNABLE TO DO THIS

Getting back to

ILLUSION AND DIVERSION 

For today’s phone call to

CUSTOMER DISSERVICE

I had the good sense to

phone in whilst walking the dogs

this was a very 

PURPOSEFUL DIVERSION

it was a way to

DIVERT MY MIND’S EYE

I was out in nature

with my furry buddies

and this had a much needed

CALMING EFFECT

it is really hard for me 

to be super angry 

when I am walking

which I do pretty much every day

WALKING MEDITATION

and then

even though I’m guessing

I still have a few more hours

of stupid ass phone calls

to make before this gets fixed

once I got off of today’s

RIDICULOUS CALL

I still had some walking in front of me

and that is when

I SET ASIDE ILLUSION

and allowed myself

to see and feel 

THE VERY REAL MAGIC

all around me

I was aided in my joy

by my sexy assistant

REBOUND

who once again

insisted we stop

and sit still for a spell

she turned her twenty-eight pound body

into a very solid

ONE-TON ANCHOR

and she pulled 

DANTE AND ME

right down with her

She left us no choice

but to join her

so I decided to 

MEDITATE RIGHT THERE

in the itchy grass

and I closed my eyes

and I

Breathed In

and I

Breathed Out

and even though it’s

DAMN HOT

we were in the shade

and this amazing breeze

was blowing and blowing

IT FELT SO GOOD

I refocused on my

GRATITUDE

that my son is 

RELATIVELY UNSCATHED

I thought about my

RIDICULOUS ADDICTION

to cell phones

and I admitted to myself

that this addiction

while it brings me

MUCH JOY

is also at the root of

SO MUCH SUFFERING

I’m a junkie

I will always be a junkie

once upon a time

BOOZE WAS MY POISON

now other things

have swooped in

and anything can be

A PROBLEM

if you let it

like my knitting

when I get irritated that

I didn’t manage a row or two

on any given day

To be clear

NO GRATITUDE FOR AT&T

not today

not ever

but I am grateful for

MEDITATION

and how it helps me see

the way I have a big hand

in my own problems

and I am grateful for

PLEASANT ILLUSIONS

that aren’t dangerous

and I am grateful for

SIMPLE BUT PROFOUND MAGIC

that comes with

DOGS

and

BREEZES

and

AWARENESS

and so today

I Breathe In

and

I Breathe Out

and you know

FUCK AT&T

but I’m gonna be

JUST FINE

Thank you

NOTE: Please consider making a modest monthly contribution to my art via MYPATREON ACCOUNT. Or BUY MY BOOK. You can also check out my new blog:www.AustinHousingSucks.com Thank you.

[meditationkicksass]

Year Three, Week Eight

The Hood, ATX

A few weeks ago

I was on

MONHEGAN ISLAND

an hour off of the 

COAST OF MAINE

I often refer to this place as

MY HAPPY PLACE

I go twice annually now

and have been more than

A DOZEN TIMES

There are many things I love

How small it is

How few vehicles there are

How few people there are

in the off season

when I go

I know these characteristics

likely feed into the

FALSE SENSE OF CONTROL

I am always seeking

through routine, ritual, and structure

I get that

I’m okay with it

I also love

SUNRISES

SUNSETS

and

ALL THAT LIGHT DANCING ON WATER

Time for a tangent

(Don’t worry 

I’ll bring it all back together)

I am not one to

fall asleep in public

not in cars

not on benches

not on trains

I can sleep 

on planes

and

on massage tables

and once even

while getting tattooed

I know the reason I can

sleep in these places

that are not my

DOG FILLED BED

is because I feel

relatively safe

like it is the job of

the pilot

the massage therapist

the tattoo artist

to watch out for me

otherwise though

MY HYPER VIGILANCE

which is a component of my

PTSD

keeps me alert when I am

out and about

AND NOW BACK TO THE ISLAND

one day

on this last trip

my friend Sue and I

were on the rocks at

LOBSTER COVE

talking and not talking

watching the water

I felt this 

EXTREME TIREDNESS

wash over me

like that scene in

The Wizard of Oz

I could not keep my eyes open

and likely because

my friend was right there

my mind said

IT’S OKAY YOU’RE SAFE

and so 

I fell asleep on the rocks

I fell deeply deeply asleep

I woke up awhile later

a bit sunburned

and 

VERY AWARE

of 

A MAN STANDING OVER ME

I was groggy

I was confused

I FELT FEAR

He seemed to be

taking my picture

which felt

REALLY FUCKING CREEPY

but I couldn’t be

100% CERTAIN

because I hadn’t fully surfaced

After he wandered away

without saying anything

My mind started racing

which really sucks

when I am in my happy place

trying to not have a racy mind

I saw the man in the distance

I mulled going and confronting him

I thought about the fear I was

PHYSICALLY FEELING

I quietly examined it

I carefully dissected it

I worried

WHAT IF HE HAD RAPED ME

or

HIT ME WITH A ROCK

or

HIS FISTS

I felt upset I’d let myself

BE VULNERABLE LIKE THAT

I expanded the idea out

and thought about

HOW MUCH IT SUCKS

that women

always always always always

MUST BE ON GUARD

this is just the

NATURE OF BEING A WOMAN

I thought some more

I didn’t want to let this

incident ruin my otherwise

GLORIOUS DAY

I thought about how

right before I fell asleep

some other guy

came up behind me

and told me after the fact

he had taken my picture

ALL THESE GUYS PHOTOGRAPHING ME

I am not a model

but I did happen to be wearing

A STRIKING ROSE SCARF

it was irresistible out there

such beautiful contrast to

SEA

SKY

ROCKS

I thought about how I

sometimes take pictures

of strangers

and even

POST THEM

I saw the double standard

I still felt creeped out

I took note that

my friend had wandered off

she wasn’t far away

and another friend

was nearby too

one had even seen

THE CREEPY GUY STANDING OVER ME

and stopped to monitor the situation

(so it wasn’t my imagination

but really 

I KNEW THAT

even before she validated my thought later)

Unless I am

GUARDED

by a friend

or a dog

then I know I must 

ALWAYS BE ON GUARD

It was very interesting

to sit on those rocks

and feel such a massive shift

in 

BODY

and

MOOD

I thought about 

EQUANIMITY

I thought about how

I am trying to always

OBSERVE WHAT IS REAL

and the truth is

that man violated my space

but he did not 

PHYSICALLY HARM ME

so the residual fear I felt

all of the

WHAT IFS

were hurting me

I was visiting places

that did not exist

I tried to calm down

Later back at the place we were staying

I was sitting on the porch with friends

The man walked by

I pointed him out

a friend noted that

she could very clearly tell

the man had

COGNITIVE LIMITATIONS

I could see it too

he was

ATYPICAL

not like us

it really is possible

he was drawn to my

BRIGHT SCARF

like a little child

to an interesting toy

The next morning

I got up very very early

and took a quick hike

I was all alone on the path

up to the lighthouse

when again

HERE CAME THE SAME MAN

he was walking down the path

he glanced at me

just for a moment

GOOD MORNING

he said

GOOD MORNING

I said

we kept walking our own

separate ways

Today I

Breathe in

and I

Breathe out

and I am glad

nothing bad happened to me

and I am glad my

MEDITATION

helps me process

SUCH CONFUSION

and helps me

return to

feeling if not

TOTALLY SAFE 

then at least not

TOTALLY FREAKED OUT

Thank you

PHOTO COPYRIGHT ANN WOODALL 2015

NOTE: Please consider making a modest monthly contribution to my art via MYPATREON ACCOUNT. Or BUY MY BOOK. You can also check out my new blog:www.AustinHousingSucks.com Thank you.

[meditationkicksass]

Year Three, Week Seven

The Hood, ATX

From a distance

the colorful wrapping

might look like

YARN BOMBING

that textile graffiti act

that once excited people

and then maybe 

bored people

and now maybe annoys them

but still

whatever

I LOVE WHIMSY

thing is though

as you can see

if you look closely

really that is just

DUCT TAPE BOMBING

which when I saw it

cracked me up

Years ago

I participated in a

HIGHLY ORCHESTRATED

act of yarn bombing

tons of us knitters

worked to cover

a hundred trees

it takes a pretty 

LONG DAMN TIME

to knit something

to cover a tree

I was part of a team

that made one big piece

for one single tree

I’m glad I did it

it was fun

and yet

DUCT TAPE ART

which it could be argued

is just as valid

is 

WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY FASTER

and it still brings joy

So last week

I was 

INCREDIBLY SICK

I could barely move

though I will say that

SEVERE DIARRHEA 

did inspire moments of

VERY SWIFT MOVEMENT

I felt like 

BLOODY HELL

and during the worst day

it occurred to me

I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO MEDITATE

like seriously

that is how ill I was

I have not missed

a single day of

MEDITATION 

since late December 2012

I’m pretty nearly superstitious

about my practice

I did not want to miss a day

but I felt so fucking horrible

So here is what I did

I dragged myself into

A SEATED POSITION

in my bed

and I did a very

SPOTTY SIX MINUTES

I breathed in

I breathed out

I felt like crapping my pajamas

I hung in there

Was it the same as

A LONG FOCUSED SIT

hell no

it was not

but it did 

bring me some calm

it was 

GOOD ENOUGH

and I can see now

how being sick

in bed

and barely able to move

is itself 

A SORT OF MEDITATION

one that allows me

to appreciate

all the times 

I AM NOT SICK

I hear from 

a fair number of people

who have read my book

and who tell me

they really want

to start a practice

but it just seems

IMPOSSIBLE

often the 

CATALYST FOR DESIRE

is that they are

feeling like bloody hell

they feel

SICK IN THEIR MINDS

SICK IN THEIR HEARTS

they have 

sudden attacks of

EMOTIONAL DIARRHEA

they are

SUFFERING

so what to do then

in such cases

well I won’t go so far

as to say

IT’S EASY

but I will 

gently remind you

that when you are

VERY SICK

VERY DEPRESSED

VERY ANXIOUS

or

VERY WHATEVER 

it is that is making it hard 

for you to 

breathe mindfully

these are the times

IT IS OKAY

to do the thing 

that is

DUCT TAPE’S EQUIVALENT TO YARN BOMBING

do the quicker thing

do the easier thing

just do that

till you get the hang of it

you can build up

to the

LONGER DEEPER SITS

later on

Today though

just find a moment to 

Breathe in

and to

Breathe out

Thank you

NOTE: Please consider making a modest monthly contribution to my art via MYPATREON ACCOUNT. Or BUY MY BOOK. You can also check out my new blog: www.AustinHousingSucks.com Thank you.

[meditationkicksass]

Year Three, Week Six

Woolwich, ME

This week a reminder that

IT’S OKAY TO GET CRABBY SOMETIMES

that’s important to 

bear in mind because

whether or not you believe it

and no matter how much you 

MEDITATE

or

TAKE VALIUM

or

WHATEVER YOU DO

to try to stay chill

there will still come

MOMENTS OF EXTREME CRABBY

that’s just life

so it’s better to learn how to

WORK WITH YOUR CRABBINESS

than to become

EVEN CRABBIER AT YOURSELF FOR BEING CRABBY

You know

I’m never in this lifetime

going to be accused of

being the perfect

PICTURE OF CALM

however...

relative to who I was

before I started all this 

MEDITATION

I am way way way way way

more reasonable in most situations

than I used to be

but not everyone understands that

because if you didn’t know

the old me

you might just think 

the me you know now is

PRETTY BITCHY

let’s call that a 

side note of perspective

Anyway because I have

trained myself to 

BE AWARE OF MY TEMPER

now when I feel it flaring

at least I can usually say 

to anyone in my path

HEY I’M FEELING PRETTY CRABBY NOW

before I light into them

that’s not the same as

walking away

but at least it is

FAIR WARNING

and by saying it out loud

I remind myself

to try not to

GO ALL JERSEY ON SOMEONE’S ASS

but this past week

I did just that

I had numerous encounters

with people trying to

FUCK ME OVER

and that was not some

PERSECUTION COMPLEX

on my part

they really truly were trying to

FUCK ME OVER

the two biggest examples

not surprisingly were

CORPORATION RELATED

the first came when I

went to pick up a pre-paid rental car

in Portland, Maine

I knew with certainty I had paid for it

I knew when I go to the counter

they would try to up sell me

UNNECESSARY SHIT

like the way it goes

when you are at 

JIFFY LUBE

and they are all like

SAY WE SEE YOU DON’T HAVE AN INTERIOR CHANDELIER

and then they 

push and push and push

your ass

trying to convince you that

interior chandeliers are

NECESSARY FOR SURVIVAL

So along these lines

at the car rental counter

they know you are likely

very tired from having flown in

from far away

they know that 

traveling leaves you disoriented

I know this too

I went prepared

but then

I remembered that one time

in Nebraska

when I forewent the added insurance

and then hit a wall

and so had to lie 

to avoid massive charges

(yes, I lied to a corporation

and I highly recommend you do, too)

and so I said

MAYBE I SHOULD GET IT THIS TIME

even though I was pretty sure

I bought some through Hotwire

and even though I was positive

I have excellent private coverage

I allowed exhaustion 

and

FEAR OF CORPORATE BULLSHIT

to make me weak

and in my weakened state

I also agreed to

pre-pay for a tank of gas

So these add ons should’ve

amounted to maybe 

A HUNDRED BUCKS TOTAL

but instead the guy goes

THAT’LL BE SIX HUNDRED AND FIFTY CLAMS

and I was all like

WHOA

and

WHAT

THE

FUCK

and this in turn 

led to an extremely 

protracted conversation

involving a manager

with an Old Testament name

and it went

on and on and on

and I was so tired

and when they finally

figured out the mistake 

was on their end

after telling me repeatedly 

it was on mine

and after doing this

EVEN AS I SHOWED THEM MY RECEIPTS

well after that

I said

You know what?

CANCEL THE GAS AND INSURANCE

because being treated so wrong

allowed me to 

catch my breath

and

be aware

and think

I AM NOT BUYING INTO THIS BULLSHIT

To be clear

They were not huge dicks

and

I was not a huge dick

there was no yelling

but I most definitely

GOT CRABBY

and my crabbiness

WOKE ME UP

same thing a few days later

when I started getting

all these bullshit charges

through my health insurance

and that bullshit

made me crabby 

and being crabby 

WOKE ME UP

my experience with

Blue Cross and Blue Shield

was not nearly as calm 

as with Alamo Car Rental

in fact it was

NOT CALM AT ALL

in fact I went

COMPLETELY FUCKING BALLISTIC

and I did so

repeatedly

and I

CRIED

and I

SCREAMED

and I

said 

FUCK THIS FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT

and the thing is

in the end

I was able to get

a federal Obamacare employee

to let me out of my

Blue Cross Nightmare Contract

and also

hook me up with a 

MASSIVE TAX CREDIT

and a less horrible company

and also

show me how my son

could get

FREE HEALTH CARE

and so because I

GOT SO CRABBY

I now am saving

FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS PER YEAR

so this is what I’m saying

being crabby 

ALL THE TIME

is

NOT WORTH IT

but if you have learned

through meditation

to be a lot less crabby

then chances are

really great that

when  you do feel

CRABBY BEYOND REASON

then actually 

THERE IS A REASON

and you need to

sit down

and breathe

and pay attention

and 

FIGURE OUT THE REASON

say

HELLO CRABBINESS

and say

WELCOME CRABBINESS

and say

CRABBINESS WHAT IS IT?

and ask

CRABBINESS HOW CAN I HELP?

and I think

you will be

very pleased

with how it 

ALL WORKS OUT

Today I

Breathe in

and I

Breathe out

and I’m pumped

to realise that

sometimes it is

STILL ACCEPTABLE

to

TOTALLY LOSE MY SHIT

Thank you

SPIKE NOTE: Through 2 July 2015 you can download a FREE copy of my book Sit. Stay. Heal. JUST CLICK THIS LINK. Also-- please consider making a modest $1-5 monthly contribution through MY PATREON PAGE. Thank you so much. 

[meditationkicksass]

Year Three, Week Five

Monhegan House, Top Floor, Monhegan Island, Maine

Here I am

YET AGAIN

in my

HAPPY PLACE

I think this is my 

eleventh trip to the island

to get here I

get up at 3:50 am in Austin

drive to the airport

get on a plane to JFK

and then on another plane to Portland

and then I rent a car

and then I drive to

PORT CLYDE

and then I spend the night

and then I catch a ferry

and then finally

I AM HERE

it takes me about thirty hours

though that does include

stopping to sleep

once I get here 

so much just

FALLS AWAY

I am at home

I breathe

it is easy

there is no driving

except for a few trucks

owned by the locals

the weather provides

AMPLE ENTERTAINMENT

the conversation it excellent

the food is incredible

the walks are divine

I JUST KEEP COMING BACK

simply because

I LOVE IT HERE

but there is an added bonus

I am reminded of the

POWER OF PILGRIMAGE

For as much as I like

visiting and exploring

new places 

all over the world

there is something 

to be said

for having a place or two

to which you return

and return

and return and return and return

the comfort of familiarity

allows you to immediately

sink into

SAFETY

the little changes

here and there

INSPIRE AWARENESS

I so recommend 

if you do not have a

PLACE OF PILGRIMAGE

that you find one

it doesn’t need to involve

thirty hour journeys

you don’t even have to

leave your town

or your yard

or your house

(though if you can

I suggest you do)

Just come up with

a ritual or rituals

and assign them a location

or find a location and

from that location

create rituals

and see the 

BEAUTY OF REPETITION

for example I am about to

go down to 

THE BARNACLE

and see if they have any

chocolate cayenne cinnamon scones

because I get some 

every year

and when I bite into one

I am both

FULLY IN THE MOMENT

of 

WILD DELICIOUSNESS

and also

transported back to

that year

so long ago 

at the Barnacle

watching my server

later flirt with

a handsome rugged young

LOBSTERMAN

oh that was such a moment

I will also

head up to 

CATHEDRAL WOODS

and admire all of the

FAIRY HOUSES

and maybe make one 

to leave for others to find

I will go sit on a cliff

and I will watch the sunshine

dance across the water

and then much later

I will go up to the schoolhouse

and watch the sunset

and even though

I have seen 

A MILLION SUNSETS

it will still be

SO FUCKING AWESOME

because 

PILGRIMAGE AND REPETITION

have their own

SPECIAL BEAUTY

Today I 

Breathe in

and I

Breathe out

and I hope you

get to 

TAKE A LITTLE TRIP

somewhere you find

MAGNIFICENT

and

HEALING

and

RESTFUL

too

Thank you 

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