journal

life is very good

[meditativedeer]

my laptop password is my old best friend's name

because i still love her, even after everything that happened

and we haven't spoken in a few years,

and she could still come to my door if she needed to

i'm not sure if i could come to hers

i love the scar on my ribs

i've had it since i was really small

and i used to dream that in a past life

i was a noble lady who had been shot through the heart with an arrow

beside a fountain

which thrilled me

and i have a matching scar on my cheek

and i love you so much i'm afraid i'll turn to nothing

[meditativedeer]

september list

candle that looks like an olive

empty flat on the weekend

idaho alien

waiting for her to come back

swim and shower

hot chocolate in the blue mug

flat white at 8am

eyebrow piercing

monstera plant

stripy towel

tk maxx

hugging mum before you go

new sketchbook

thinking about it in the shower

getting darker earlier

cancelled plans

oat milk earl grey

new socks

rude customers

katie on deliveries

big yellow jumper

kate from the bar

blacksmithing

[meditativedeer]

i do remember when i was fifteen and the world as i knew it was murdered

it was the first thing in my life that went terribly wrong

my mum dragged our old life to the doorstep, a cat carrying a crow with its throat ripped out

i want to talk about how good it feels to watch the leaves catch the sunlight

opening the windows when it's raining

swimming until you're dizzy and your cheeks are pink with goggle marks

those things don't go away no matter how bad it gets

i hate waiting and i hate when it's silent

i hate crying and i hate holding it in

i forgave my mum because it was easy

and it was what everybody chose to do

and i was fifteen

there wasn't much left of the world

so i wanted to save it for myself

[meditativedeer]

easier than

writing is easier than not writing

dancing is easier than not dancing

drinking coffee

kissing

asking that question you really want to ask

crying is easier than not crying

eating

talking to your friends

you realise that your life has changed

again

and you don't know what you ruined

but you're worried you'll soon find out

your friends hate you

your family

your girlfriend

you're worried you're

unattractive

strange

quiet

withdrawn

withdrawn

vacant

you don't know how to go back

you're not sure if it was like this before

change

is easier than the same

is harder than the last time

the same is impossible

[meditativedeer]

july

she's gone for summer, but i can send her messages on the phone. things to do

fix your car

walk in your nearest wildflower field

talk about sex

make dinner

eat it

watch tv

watch movies with subtitles

go climbing

buy stuff you need

buy stuff you want

make coffee

shower super fast

make plans

cancel them if you want

clean your room

mess it up

play guitar

call her

make a list

pack a bag

go for a hike

drink a glass of wine

stretch real good

buy tickets to a show

[meditativedeer]

things available to love

the sun comes and i make my lists

yoga after shower

new climbing shoes

kissing in the hallway

finished uni for summer

reading eileen myles

fixing things

sleeping skin to skin

frisbee

long hair

stripes

making pizza and garlic bread

smelling like suncream

laughing a little

laughing until it hurts

udon noodles

getting better

shiny skin

playing guitar

eating chips in the park

[meditativedeer]

april

feeling like furniture at work

frozen broad beans in a ziploc bag for my ankle

swimming

wanting to cry

trying not to

beautiful sunset

the glass essay

german movies

thinking im doing it wrong

people quitting

giving too much

bodies underwater

coconut milk

snail trail

burnt tongue

dvd readers

stock count

soy yoghurt

bfi player

early dinner

bright evenings

[meditativedeer]

things i love today

friday 21 march

emily

swimming

good news

my new jeans

billie marten

waking up to natural light

the flat i'm moving into

hot chocolate

sunshine

new climbing shoes

three concerts to look forward to

mango ice lollies

flatbread

glee

stardew valley

singin in the rain

kissing

dolly parton

iced matcha with coconut milk

doing the dishes

making pizza

my backpack

my waterbottle

wearing mules to work

booking a haircut

two plaits

t shirts

pan au chocolat

fruity filter coffee

smiling at people

[meditativedeer]

6 march

this is a list. I try not to make lists when im sad but its been a weird week

sprained ankles

classical music

car crash

big fall

powerful scream

lying to your mother

breaking down on a roundabout

breaking down in spain

aeropress coffee

lightning

thunder

cats

planes

chlorine

waterproof coats

good jeans

crunchy broccoli

water shortages

showering

bruising

guidebooks

retching

[meditativedeer]

losing yourself for a few months

finding her in the bathroom at a work party, wiping the shadow of mascara from below her eyes,

saying goodbye to your coworkers before they emigrate to the warmth of a new county, realising how much you meant to each other. it nearly felt like we had gone back in time, the past felt so comforting, early January mornings opening shop together, so dark it could have been 3a.m., it could have felt like it.

last year inviting me to live in it, a place where you knew what was going to happen, to know you could deal with all the worry as you'd done it all before.

an invitation that can't be accepted is a mean and mocking tease,

'I'll see you before I leave'

there's a space in the car for me to go to the next bar with them, but I don't want to go. I feel like I've been twisted out.

waking up the next morning with the bitten parts of my lips stained dark from red wine, feeling like I had been left behind again.

[meditativedeer]

9 jan

this is a list

ice scraper

haircuts

hot chocolate

vegan chilli

fighting about it

fingerless gloves

driving to the mountains

trailers

flat whites

frosty trees

light snow

clear sky

too cold for squirrels

yellow journal

student houses

the best risotto ive ever had

the coldest winter ive seen

wishing I could read her mind

cold climbing shoes

soft wool socks

snow on top of cars

snow on top of mountains

considering dropping out

money

planning the week

trying not to be upset

hummus

red hands

getting stronger

going home

waking up early

[meditativedeer]

I've been mean, self pitying and careless. None of it felt good, but I know that being good is an art, it takes effort but it feeds itself. It is my only option, I want to make the people I love feel good. I feel like I had it back to front, trying to be tolerated and approved by everybody. Tolerance and approval will not fulfil you as much as you think it will. I'm sitting in a freezing coffee trailer, serving a customer once every half an hour and watching the snow fall. My fingers might freeze off. I'm going to be nice.

[escuerzoresucitado]

[meditativedeer]

christmas list

new soap

2000 miles

black coffee

hot shower

broken phone

new girl Christmas specials

silver rings

mtv

black long sleeve t shirt

wearing makeup

mushroom wellington

pine candle

white wine before noon

nativity scene

sellotape

chocolate

brie and cranberry

wham

american cousins

oilve body lotion

5 days until she's home

[meditativedeer]

todayagainandagain

this is a list

hair in a plait

three deadline extensions

heavy rain

mushrooms on toast

two coffees interluded by herbal tea

blue knitted socks

smelly hiking boots

YouTube on the tv

buses and trains

arguing

new bedsheets

scripts

dvds

advent calendars

pak choi

climbing shoes attached to my bag

soup

[meditativedeer]

things I love today

autonomy

patterned socks

spicy hummus

hot coffee

snow on the mountains

lemsip with a sore throat

collecting film equipment

free screenwriting software

free editing software

duolingo

hoover lines

David shrigley

belaying

big headphones

big fleeces

looking at the bigger picture

crying on my walk to uni

defrosting the car

moisturiser

rabbit teddy (Paul)

David gray giving me a maternal feeling

my mum

facetiming friends who moved far away

christmas movies

christmas music

father John misty

doc martens

bed

great British bake off

opting out

opting in

scrambling

[meditativedeer]

winter rules

I haven't written a list like this in a long time, so I'll do it differently now. these are the things I love today. the title of this is misleading - there's only really one rule - keep loving

my girlfriend

wearing a long sleeve under a big t shirt

soup

running my hands through her hair, feeling the warmth of her head when she lies on top of me

kath and kim

paddington

celine sciamma

cats

the smell of the bread factory on my way to the climbing gym

patterned socks

hiking

my eyebrow piercing

waking up in the night and pulling her closer

turning the car heating the whole way up

the cinema

taking notes

having Sunday off

new backpack

county mayo

doing everyday things with her

charity shop denim

the Vietnamese coffee shop

cauliflower and broccoli

Adrianne lenker

the smell of the launderette on my way to uni

deleting instagram

speaking irish podcast

the mourne mountains

buying cds

learning to play new board games

silver earrings

having long hair

a little life

long bus journeys

Manchester

London

biscuits

earl grey tea with oat milk

hot showers

freshly trimmed fringe

waking up early

going to sleep early

cast iron

buying gifts

rice pudding