I’ve been having a lot of thoughts lately. My brain has been kinda muddy the past few months and I haven’t been thinking like this for a while so I’m just gonna vent because no one will ever see this. Also I’m having crazy writers block so who knows this might help
I’ve been think a lot about my future, I’ve been stuck in the same place for FAR too long and I’m finally getting to a destination instead of meandering through my life, but I feel like I’ve already lost so much time.
I’m so excited to move, I think about it now that I’m feeling better. It’s all I want to talk about. Every time I think about it I feel so much peace, I’m not nervous or afraid I’m just at peace. It’s the most comforting feeling in the world
I think about an ex a lot. They recently asked to follow me on a different account and for the first time in my life I just said no. No I don’t want to have you in my life right now. No I don’t want to be friends even over social media. I feel so many things about it. Whenever I feel guilty about it I remember how it felt months ago in the midst of grief them reaching out and almost immediately losing them again as a friend. I wasn’t the best to this person at times but neither was this person. It’s been rough between us and I miss them very much. I hope they’re ok, I hope I can feel less angry towards them
I’m trying very hard to work on my anger. I don’t lash out but it still just lives in my chest. For a while it lived in me holding onto one person, but he’s dead. Everyone talks about in grief how it feels to loose someone you loved in a way that’s also implied that you also liked this person. I don’t like him, and I’m very angry at him, but where does that go? He’s ash now. Any love I had for him was the hope he’d be a better person as we got older, but he won’t.
None of my friends understand my grief. I don’t mean this in a no one understands me way I mean the people in my life haven’t gotten to this point yet. Losing someone with so many feelings towards, so much anger, so much left unforgiven. And yet through out it all they have loved me and cared for me when I couldn’t. Their love eases my anger. I will never forget their love for me, and I hope I can offer that love back.
I want to be in love again. Truly, madly, deeply in love with someone. I’ve decided to wait to date until I move, but with the grief and time away I’ve become so afraid of that intimacy. I have found love in my life, love that has healed me. But being in love with someone is something I have missed for so long. I fear I’m out of practice. I hope when I met that person, they won’t even notice, and I hope for me it’ll never feel like I have been.
I’m getting older, am I getting wiser?
Will I always be so stubborn?
Will I just be writing forever?
Will I find what I’m looking for?
Amongst the anger and grief. The defeat and fears. I want the love and hope to find its place. All I want is to rest, take a deep breath, and feel at home.
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