Meet the Taxman

An ask-blog dedicated to chatting with and discovering the secrets of Mann Co’s most mysterious (and boring) role.

[meet-the-taxman]

< You’re in a dark corner of a large official building, somewhere in New Mexico. The air is stale and still, only broken by quiet breathing located somewhere among the typically empty cubicles. A pale purple telephone hangs on the wall.

Ring, ring, ring…

Who’s calling? >

Official opening of the Taxman’s ask-blog! All asks will at first be treated as spam calls to this lonely number in their office. If you’d like to continue a conversational thread from before, please make sure to sign off your asks with a pseudonym or use the same account.

Other Guidelines + References Below:

The Taxman will always be in default font.

Ex-Chauffeur is in blue.

The Cover-girl is in pink.

The Fed is in red.

Every OC / TF2 character will be tagged with “w/ the ____.”

I as the admin (@graysonnet) prefer not to interact with any sort of sexual content on this blog because of its potential audience. Romantic stuff is alright. I love to write about other OC’s I have longer interactions with, but it’s not 100% guaranteed (who am I kidding, I’ll probably write it anyway…)

[flyhigh-flyboy]

If it’s any form of consolation for your… anxieties, I don’t think the IRS is anywhere near your current location.

But if you saw any sort of camera lens flashing out of a vent or shuttered window, would you mind letting me know?

Best,

Max Brice

Tax Agent (NOT FROM THE GOVERNMENT)

You're an agent for taxes. How can I trust you fully? And you can never be too sure about the IRS. They're everywhere. They can send anyone to your doorstep. It could be some unsuspecting delivery man... or your neighbor... even your friend! or your DOG!

But if you say there are cameras lurking around in the ventilation system, I will keep an eye on them from here on out...

[meet-the-taxman]

Well, I guess trust isn’t entirely necessary in our working relationship, but I’m the one to call if you ever have your doubts about your friends and neighbors— human or canine. My line’s always open, especially if you’re feeling anxiety around the potential of the feds breaking down your door.

And a bit of context for my camera quandary: I’m actually on the hunt for a friend of mine, who’s been too stealthy for my liking as of late. If you get eyes on him, make sure that lens captures the message that Tax wants a word!

Thanks for being my eye in the sky! Ha.

[tf2-data-collection-agency]

If a Mann Co. employee wished to speak with higher echelons, would asking for contact through the bureau be possible? Have any of you an idea of where to go?

Danke,

- @meet-the-medic

Thank you for your question.

There are a variety of Mann Co, and TF Industries employees available for contact here on tumblr. Is there any specific department you would be looking for, or just general assistance that one of the Administrator's assistants would be able to provide? We are happy to supply a list, if you would like.

[tf2-data-collection-agency]

Here is a short list of Mann Co. and/or TF Industries employees who may be able to help. Not all of these employees are management, but they are all qualified in their own departments.

@optimistic-embarrassment, Cleaner

@tf2oc-thejanitor-askblog, Janitor

@wastelandtherapist, Therapist

@meet-the-taxman, Taxman, Ex-Chauffeur, Cover-girl, Fed

@mannco-official, Saxton Hale

@weaponsmithinmylimit, Weaponsmith

@manns-best-messenger, Messenger

@f-pauling, Ms. Pauling

Our apologies for the summons to anyone who does not wish to participate.

Hopefully this short list provides helpful, good luck out there.

[meet-the-taxman]

Well, uh, if your queries happen to be about your finances and / or the IRS, I’m here!

< Heather pokes her head over the receiver. >

Same goes for me! Though, I’m more of a photography gal. If you’re ever looking for a chance to star on Mann Co’s front cover, you can find me at the same number.

< As for Fed and Ex-Chauffeur, the chances that they’ve each tapped this line for their own respective purposes is high. Elsewhere, they murmur their response, unheard to the others. >

- I’d only listen to what that guy has to say if he brought along some really excellent soup. No blood this time… It makes federal investigations too messy for my tastes. We’re the IRS, not the homicide department of some local PD! -

- What on earth are any of these people talking about? When I said I quit, I should have meant it… -

[meet-the-taxman]

hey, taxguy. Uh, I think I lost my id. Dropped it in the shredder :( help?

-scrapper

@meet-the-scrapper

What is it with me and malicious office equipment this week?

I’m assuming you mean your company ID that protects you from being murdered on sight wildly paranoid mercs? Yeah, that’s no good. I don’t typically do IDs, but I can whip up an excellent forgery if you’re interested. I’m quite the professional at that; just ask the infuriated IRS investigator who’s yet to get anything on me yet.

Once we’ve fished out the scraps from the shredder, it only takes a bit of poring over, aligning, and taping to get the original details together. And at this point, “poring over” is my middle name.

Say, maybe let’s make a trade. I get you that ID lickety-split, and we agree on an IOU. I could use a good scrapper from time to time. By that, I mean my car’s an absolute mess and even the sight of it drives me nuts. Eventually, I’ll need someone to help me get rid of it, and that person’ll get lots of free scrap out of our deal…

Think about it, and let me know.

[meet-the-taxman]

Heyyyyy-bea @ur-fave-sawyer

Hey Bea! Long time no talk!

Glad I caught you, and not the flaming workaholic himself… Max has had his nose in Mann Co’s books for a hot minute, and the phone has been ringing off the hook with all sorts of office shenanigans. It’s hard to have any real fun outside of work, when work already takes so much out of him.

I— I know this might be a bit of an odd question, but would you have any recommendations of something we could do together, away from it all? I need my partner’s head to not explode, as least not before I’ve—

Ooh. Shouldn’t reveal that much yet. A girl shouldn’t kiss and tell!

< She giggles. >

[ur-fave-sawyer]

Hey girl!!

Like on a date? If so me and scout went out to this cute little bar that had an axe throwing thing……I may have hit a costumer in the head but ya know accidentals happen!!

BEFORW YOU WHAT???

[meet-the-taxman]

Yes, a date! Besides the company coffee shop — run by an absolute sweetheart, even if they are a little odd, but recommend you visit! — there’s not much to do around the office. I figured you as a merc with more freedom to roam the Badlands as you please would have a few good picks, and you proved me right, doll! Though we’ll avoid the axe murdering at all costs. Doesn’t do much for publicity…

Speaking of publicity, I’m really not sure I should share what I almost let slip earlier. You never know who might be listening.

< Faintly from the other room, Tax’s voice can be heard, as they are simultaneously on the phone with the Nurse, Ms. Andreev. >

Who knows if Max is listening though? I swear they never get off the phone nowadays.

[ur-fave-sawyer]

Imma put that coffee shop on my list it sounds cute!!!

GIRL CMON TELL ME

Yk what send me a letter so it’s more confidential…I think

[meet-the-taxman]

Letter it is. I have an inside woman among the company Couriers. She’s the absolute best — excellent taste in fruit. By that, I mean he’ll eat all of the ones I don’t from the fruit baskets that come through the mail, which is excellent! I get so much of it, after all. Expect the letter in the next few business days!

Mwah!

[meet-the-taxman]

Um… hey Mr. Taxman sir…?. I have those uh… papers you wanted? They’re um.. they’re a bit burnt at the edges, so be super careful with them, alright?

yeah. Thats um.

that’s all.

And if you need anything I guess cleaned just.. tell me, ‘Kay?

and don’t tell ms. Admin about this. Please. She’ll probably dock my pay for meddling in business that isn’t mine to begin with.

— @custodians-marksmen

Thank whatever office deity there is…

< He remembers his manners, instilled in the same religious prep school that would have had him in hot water for his previous comment in any case. >

And thank you! Cleaning is something I can never turn down. Even with this rather protective getup, allergies from the desert dust make filing a never-ending trial. So it’ll either be asking you to vacuum that, or to clean up what’s left of the IRS agent who gets the closest to—

< A cough. >

Yeah, uh. Maybe just the vacuuming.

Don’t ever worry about Admin around me. Since I got a satellite phone, it’s a whole new game, and I’ve got your back, if you’ve got mine.

[custodians-marksmen]

I…. Don’t mind disposing of bodies.

(a pause.)

I do it all the time, anyway. And um… yeah, I’ll keep in touch, anytime, sir. Even though I don’t have a… fancy satellite phone like yours.

(They fidget, awkwardly with their glove, some stray hair falling from their bandana.)

look, keeping this between us… because… I feel like I can trust you, strange enough…

(Tommy leans in close.)

do you even… like your job? Like… in a way that makes you happy? Are you fulfilled? I’m not. Not in a way that matters, anyway.

(they then pull back suddenly, as if burned.)

I’m talking too much- yes- vacuuming here whenever needed- yes- I can um- make a mental note of that an- and I’ll keep in touch. Yeah. Yes.

(Tommy turns to leave quite quickly, hands shoved into the pockets of their coveralls.)

[meet-the-taxman]

< Tax reaches for them, reaching for a nearby small colorful slip of paper. >

Hey, don’t rush off just yet. Look, I saved this great coupon for a burner phone before my big-name girlfriend went ahead and bought me this one. I had been saving up for it, but now that she— well, all I’m saying is you can have it.

This job can get you down. I can tell you those that have you trapped in an office from the instant you wake up to the moment you conk out again in a lousy cot can do just that, with no good explanation as to why, after years and years of school and training and loyalty, why you’ve been left with nothing but a mystery trail of financial messes and a caffeine addiction and an itchy hand that’s not your own and being woken in the middle of the night by unknown callers and even when you think you’re happy you still have to work out one issue or another or you’ll be arrested or assassinated or something or another.

< Tax takes a deep breath, running a hand over the back of their head, where their short hair would be accessible if not for the balaclava. They seem genuinely surprised at themself. A reset is required. >

My advice? Find the fun, find people who are fun, and balance work with that. You ever hang out with Demoman? Tavish? Now he’s a good time.

< They chuckle. >

Friendship can be fulfilling. So too is love. Same goes for throwing yourself out of a plane and free-falling until a colorful parachute saves your skin! Really I recommend any of the three.

[custodians-marksmen]

(awkwardly, Tommy takes the slip of paper, cheeks heating against their better wishes as their fingers brush the Taxman’s gloves.)

um.. yeah, thanks. I’ll be sure to get one or something…

(they look away, one hand moving up to adjust their glasses.)

it’s really not all that easy, considering I’m just the cleaning guy, y’know? No one wants to hang out with the cleaning guy, much less a miserable one who drinks and smokes themself to death everyday.

(They had to shake their head, as if even trying to socially interact with others is silly.)

and don’t even get me started on love. That’s.. a useless feat to try and figure out, too. Who’d love an alcoholic chainsmoker who collapses into bed at past midnight and wakes up at four? I wouldn’t say any of those silly mercenaries would, anyway.

(Tommy rolls their eyes, disbelieving, a soft chortle leaving their lips.)

Just… yeah. Thanks. For. This, I guess.

(they wave the coupon, a defeated smile curling on their cracked lips.)

[meet-the-taxman]

Things are always up and down, trust me. I told myself a lot of the same, before I put myself out there and tried on friendship and love again. Well, for love, I guess it found me. Opposites attract, they say, and my opposite went out of her way to find me again.

If you ever want to talk— or get a drink (coffee or otherwise) together, just know I basically never leave this office. I’m here, if you need a taxman in your corner.

[meet-the-taxman]

Um… hey Mr. Taxman sir…?. I have those uh… papers you wanted? They’re um.. they’re a bit burnt at the edges, so be super careful with them, alright?

yeah. Thats um.

that’s all.

And if you need anything I guess cleaned just.. tell me, ‘Kay?

and don’t tell ms. Admin about this. Please. She’ll probably dock my pay for meddling in business that isn’t mine to begin with.

— @custodians-marksmen

Thank whatever office deity there is…

< He remembers his manners, instilled in the same religious prep school that would have had him in hot water for his previous comment in any case. >

And thank you! Cleaning is something I can never turn down. Even with this rather protective getup, allergies from the desert dust make filing a never-ending trial. So it’ll either be asking you to vacuum that, or to clean up what’s left of the IRS agent who gets the closest to—

< A cough. >

Yeah, uh. Maybe just the vacuuming.

Don’t ever worry about Admin around me. Since I got a satellite phone, it’s a whole new game, and I’ve got your back, if you’ve got mine.

[custodians-marksmen]

I…. Don’t mind disposing of bodies.

(a pause.)

I do it all the time, anyway. And um… yeah, I’ll keep in touch, anytime, sir. Even though I don’t have a… fancy satellite phone like yours.

(They fidget, awkwardly with their glove, some stray hair falling from their bandana.)

look, keeping this between us… because… I feel like I can trust you, strange enough…

(Tommy leans in close.)

do you even… like your job? Like… in a way that makes you happy? Are you fulfilled? I’m not. Not in a way that matters, anyway.

(they then pull back suddenly, as if burned.)

I’m talking too much- yes- vacuuming here whenever needed- yes- I can um- make a mental note of that an- and I’ll keep in touch. Yeah. Yes.

(Tommy turns to leave quite quickly, hands shoved into the pockets of their coveralls.)

[meet-the-taxman]

< Tax reaches for them, reaching for a nearby small colorful slip of paper. >

Hey, don’t rush off just yet. Look, I saved this great coupon for a burner phone before my big-name girlfriend went ahead and bought me this one. I had been saving up for it, but now that she— well, all I’m saying is you can have it.

This job can get you down. I can tell you those that have you trapped in an office from the instant you wake up to the moment you conk out again in a lousy cot can do just that, with no good explanation as to why, after years and years of school and training and loyalty, why you’ve been left with nothing but a mystery trail of financial messes and a caffeine addiction and an itchy hand that’s not your own and being woken in the middle of the night by unknown callers and even when you think you’re happy you still have to work out one issue or another or you’ll be arrested or assassinated or something or another.

< Tax takes a deep breath, running a hand over the back of their head, where their short hair would be accessible if not for the balaclava. They seem genuinely surprised at themself. A reset is required. >

My advice? Find the fun, find people who are fun, and balance work with that. You ever hang out with Demoman? Tavish? Now he’s a good time.

< They chuckle. >

Friendship can be fulfilling. So too is love. Same goes for throwing yourself out of a plane and free-falling until a colorful parachute saves your skin! Really I recommend any of the three.

[meet-the-taxman]

Um… hey Mr. Taxman sir…?. I have those uh… papers you wanted? They’re um.. they’re a bit burnt at the edges, so be super careful with them, alright?

yeah. Thats um.

that’s all.

And if you need anything I guess cleaned just.. tell me, ‘Kay?

and don’t tell ms. Admin about this. Please. She’ll probably dock my pay for meddling in business that isn’t mine to begin with.

— @custodians-marksmen

Thank whatever office deity there is…

< He remembers his manners, instilled in the same religious prep school that would have had him in hot water for his previous comment in any case. >

And thank you! Cleaning is something I can never turn down. Even with this rather protective getup, allergies from the desert dust make filing a never-ending trial. So it’ll either be asking you to vacuum that, or to clean up what’s left of the IRS agent who gets the closest to—

< A cough. >

Yeah, uh. Maybe just the vacuuming.

Don’t ever worry about Admin around me. Since I got a satellite phone, it’s a whole new game, and I’ve got your back, if you’ve got mine.

[meet-the-taxman]

Heyyyyy-bea @ur-fave-sawyer

Hey Bea! Long time no talk!

Glad I caught you, and not the flaming workaholic himself… Max has had his nose in Mann Co’s books for a hot minute, and the phone has been ringing off the hook with all sorts of office shenanigans. It’s hard to have any real fun outside of work, when work already takes so much out of him.

I— I know this might be a bit of an odd question, but would you have any recommendations of something we could do together, away from it all? I need my partner’s head to not explode, as least not before I’ve—

Ooh. Shouldn’t reveal that much yet. A girl shouldn’t kiss and tell!

< She giggles. >

[ur-fave-sawyer]

Hey girl!!

Like on a date? If so me and scout went out to this cute little bar that had an axe throwing thing……I may have hit a costumer in the head but ya know accidentals happen!!

BEFORW YOU WHAT???

[meet-the-taxman]

Yes, a date! Besides the company coffee shop — run by an absolute sweetheart, even if they are a little odd, but recommend you visit! — there’s not much to do around the office. I figured you as a merc with more freedom to roam the Badlands as you please would have a few good picks, and you proved me right, doll! Though we’ll avoid the axe murdering at all costs. Doesn’t do much for publicity…

Speaking of publicity, I’m really not sure I should share what I almost let slip earlier. You never know who might be listening.

< Faintly from the other room, Tax’s voice can be heard, as they are simultaneously on the phone with the Nurse, Ms. Andreev. >

Who knows if Max is listening though? I swear they never get off the phone nowadays.

[meet-the-taxman]

Tax, There's something I've been meaning to ask. I need to prove I didn't murder someone I definetly murdered five years ago, I can't burn all these files myself and I've already jammed my paper shredder... Can I borrow yours? I've already tried pouring my highly flamable chemicals all over it and somehow the files are still surviving. I haven't had time with all the missions 'B-team' (as Kadence INSITS on calling us) is reciving. Yours, @bone-collector1932

You know what? I’ll do you one better and help you draft a write-off in the books, so the company can cover its replacement… eventually.

May I also refer you to the services of TFI’s lawyer? He and I may not always get along, but he’s no doubt a better candidate for… criminal matters. See, if you said you needed help for not having paid your fair share to Uncle Sam, I’d be there in a heartbeat. That’s what I’m here for, at the end of the day. Day in. Day out. Nothing more.

< He spaces out for a moment. A nearby printer activating loudly draws him back into the present.

Anyway, I’ll give you Mr. Jenkins’ number if you’re willing to talk to him. Get back to me when you can.

(The Lawyer belongs to @yarshurdee!)

[bone-collector1932]

*Alyona seems busy on the other side of the phone when she picks up. It sounds as if the Nurse is harshly shoving something shut.* "As usual, no rest for the wicked. It's great to be in touch with you again, Tax. Though I wish it weren't for this particular reason." *The Nurse leans back against the wall of the waiting room.* "Things have been a bit hectic on my end. I do hope the B-Team's expenses haven't been affecting your workload. I really do try to keep them as small as possible.... But you know how Kadence is."

*She pauses, wiping something probably really bad for the environment on her scrubs.* "I would have broken myself out again but I'm running out of places to hide lockpicks. And it's going to be a little odd if somebody who doesn't exist here ends up in jail. I try to avoid public service areas. I do not exactly have a passport anymore. Or fingerprints." *The Nurse chuckled a little.* "I thought you got along with everybody? Oh well, thank you for all your help, Tax." *She seemed to remember something.* "Oh, and by the way, do you want your medical records from our last appointment? I can send them over if you'd like."

[meet-the-taxman]

Well, getting along with everybody doesn’t always extend to Jorgen— Mr. Jenkins. He and I are stuck together, and a mutual acquaintance of ours keeps him from poisoning my coffee again. Something about constantly keeping embezzlement and tax fraud on the down low from the relevant authorities has him high-strung, no matter the number of times I tell him I’m handling it just fine. And that’s ME saying that. Maybe I used to be more like that, before Heather and I got back together… but I couldn’t tell you for sure. Living in the moment has become more of my thing.

Jorgen’s an okay guy when he’s doing anything but working on his cases for court. He’ll make sure you don’t end up behind bars, one way or another.

In any case, I’d appreciate those records if you’ve located them after all. I’m holding the phone with my transplanted hand, and even now it’s giving me a fight, some tension, some aching, some— ah, forget it. Nothing for you to worry about. Just love to finally figure out why that’s happening.

[meet-the-taxman]

Heyyyyy-bea @ur-fave-sawyer

Hey Bea! Long time no talk!

Glad I caught you, and not the flaming workaholic himself… Max has had his nose in Mann Co’s books for a hot minute, and the phone has been ringing off the hook with all sorts of office shenanigans. It’s hard to have any real fun outside of work, when work already takes so much out of him.

I— I know this might be a bit of an odd question, but would you have any recommendations of something we could do together, away from it all? I need my partner’s head to not explode, as least not before I’ve—

Ooh. Shouldn’t reveal that much yet. A girl shouldn’t kiss and tell!

< She giggles. >

[meet-the-taxman]

Tax, There's something I've been meaning to ask. I need to prove I didn't murder someone I definetly murdered five years ago, I can't burn all these files myself and I've already jammed my paper shredder... Can I borrow yours? I've already tried pouring my highly flamable chemicals all over it and somehow the files are still surviving. I haven't had time with all the missions 'B-team' (as Kadence INSITS on calling us) is reciving. Yours, @bone-collector1932

You know what? I’ll do you one better and help you draft a write-off in the books, so the company can cover its replacement… eventually.

May I also refer you to the services of TFI’s lawyer? He and I may not always get along, but he’s no doubt a better candidate for… criminal matters. See, if you said you needed help for not having paid your fair share to Uncle Sam, I’d be there in a heartbeat. That’s what I’m here for, at the end of the day. Day in. Day out. Nothing more.

< He spaces out for a moment. A nearby printer activating loudly draws him back into the present.

Anyway, I’ll give you Mr. Jenkins’ number if you’re willing to talk to him. Get back to me when you can.

(The Lawyer belongs to @yarshurdee!)

[meet-the-taxman]

"Pssst... psssttt...."

{The voice sounds like it's coming from something, or somebody very small.}

"I am a completely, normal person. Speaking. Excuse me, that was a cough, actually-- I am speaking and I am a completely, ordinary hired employee on the RED team.

And uh... uhm. I was wondering about these papers... there are, a bunch of papers. I'm practically covered in all these papers. Something about numbers. And no one is doing anything about these papers except for burning them so I decided I look at it... ....There are just-- so many I don't even understand them."

~ @basecleanerbunny

Where exactly did you find these papers? I swear, if your team’s Spy been getting into my stuff again, I’ll—

< Realizing the harsh tone to their voice, Tax clears their throat and self-corrects: >

I hope and pray none of these are too important toward this quarter. That would be bad. Though, I really don’t recall missing anything in my last personal audit of paperwork. Perhaps it’s best these mysterious papers are being burnt anyhow, and I assume Pyro’s the culprit? Old reliable with those matches for destroying a trail of evidence. I’ve never been a fan of handing fire myself.

So, whatever paperwork you’ve saved, I recommend you do not read it. In the Badlands, he or she who has information is king, but last I checked, it was the king who faced the guillotine, if you catch my drift. Forget you read anything, numbers, declared taxes, coordinates, launch details, chemical equations, or otherwise; and pass it over to Pyro. You can stay completely ordinary that way.

Thanks a million from your pal Maximilian.

[basecleanerbunny]

Thank you… Maximillian.

{The maid giggles slightly.}

…That was the name I gave to that one fat mouse I still haven’t caught…

And well, I have found them near the specific space our Spy…

I will definitely forget everything I am reading—- have read, I mean.

I will definitely also follow your instructions as well, and pass it over to Pyro to be burned… which it is probably.

heheheheheh…

Hee hehheheheh….

Now which button do I press to end the call, I’m getting kind dizzy hanging here.

[meet-the-taxman]

What a coincidence of names. I hope this isn’t because of the rumors going around the company that I eat the entire break room fridge. Maybe I take a donut or two more than the rest, but I’m expending a lot of energy keeping the financial side of Mann Co. squeaky clean!

Anyway. Thank you for being so agreeable. I’ll trust you to go ahead and take care of things.

And to hang up, you can just put down the receiver, like this.

CLICK.

< The call was ended from the other side. >

[meet-the-taxman]

"Pssst... psssttt...."

{The voice sounds like it's coming from something, or somebody very small.}

"I am a completely, normal person. Speaking. Excuse me, that was a cough, actually-- I am speaking and I am a completely, ordinary hired employee on the RED team.

And uh... uhm. I was wondering about these papers... there are, a bunch of papers. I'm practically covered in all these papers. Something about numbers. And no one is doing anything about these papers except for burning them so I decided I look at it... ....There are just-- so many I don't even understand them."

~ @basecleanerbunny

Where exactly did you find these papers? I swear, if your team’s Spy been getting into my stuff again, I’ll—

< Realizing the harsh tone to their voice, Tax clears their throat and self-corrects: >

I hope and pray none of these are too important toward this quarter. That would be bad. Though, I really don’t recall missing anything in my last personal audit of paperwork. Perhaps it’s best these mysterious papers are being burnt anyhow, and I assume Pyro’s the culprit? Old reliable with those matches for destroying a trail of evidence. I’ve never been a fan of handing fire myself.

So, whatever paperwork you’ve saved, I recommend you do not read it. In the Badlands, he or she who has information is king, but last I checked, it was the king who faced the guillotine, if you catch my drift. Forget you read anything, numbers, declared taxes, coordinates, launch details, chemical equations, or otherwise; and pass it over to Pyro. You can stay completely ordinary that way.

Thanks a million from your pal Maximilian.

[meet-the-taxman]

Hope this finds you well!

Just wanted to say I LOVE seeing you on the advertisements! You're always so stylish love! Hope to see more of you soon!

I was wondering as well, whats your go to hairstyle? I wish I could do more with mine but I'm afraid every time I've tried it gets horribly messy after battles! Any tips?

Best Regards,

Charlotte Beauregard, RED Sniper No. 2

And of course NOW I see this lovely letter you’ve sent me. I swear, my mail pile’s become such a mess I’m recruiting even Mr. “I’m Drowning in Paperwork Every Day of My Suffering Life.” But this is even more of a reason to have you at one of my photoshoots!

I usually like to style my hair half up, for extra volume. Hairspray, headbands, and bobby pins are the best allies for hair on the battlefield, let me tell you. With years of pageant experience on top of mercenary work, they tend to do me right. Otherwise, just down and long or a ponytail are my go-to.

But between just the two of us, you oughta take my hair advice with a grain of salt.

< Heather sighs. >

I use quite a few hair pieces instead of my real hair, just for the sake of ease. What with bleach and blood and whatever in saints’ else getting in it, wigs just make life soooo much easier.

Not at all saying you have to do that! Just know that your messy hair is perfectly natural, ha.

< Some lovely examples of the diversity of Heather’s hair days, by @yarshurdee! >

[ask-mick-n-lottie]

Former Miss Australia? Oh. My. Gosh. I’m a former Miss America myself. You have to tell me everything, I’m so curious! Did they make you rocket jump as a category too? Or was that replaced by kangaroo boxing? Dying of curiosity…

XO,

Heather Sparkle

Official Mann Co. Cover Girl

@meet-the-taxman

[meet-the-taxman]

Nominee?! Are you kidding me? That crown had your name written on it, I can just tell. I’ve never let some silly competition organizers tell me a ranking I didn’t like, and I’d just as easily do the same for you!

Because you knocked their teeth out before they could even finish their sentence?

Ha ha. My partner thinks they can take up comedy over accounting…

But seriously, your whole being screams style. Care to be a part of our summer issue? I’m picturing you in those shades, sun beaming down, hair practically glowing… I’m feeling a horse somewhere in the picture too. I’ve been dying to get a horse onto the set. Let me know your thoughts! (Also if you’re allergic to horses…)

[meet-the-taxman]

OOC: apologize for the prev. hiatus on asks, I’ve been crazy busy lately. Going to start working on them now, so thanks for sending them in!