Yes, I am indeed writing this on December 18, 2024. You'll have to forgive me if the emotional details are sparse as I am essentially putting this together from scraps of memory and social media archives. It just feels wrong to skip a year, you know? Better late than never.
January
mostly occupied with adjusting to the celiac diagnosis. i had my endoscopy on january 31, which meant that for the two weeks prior i got to eat everything glutenous in the world that i wanted for the last time in my life. i had my friends over and everyone brought a gluten-containing item and we called it the "gluten olympics." we're talking bread pudding, chinese pork buns, soft pretzels. my intestines were DAMAGED but it was an homage to the last time i will get to enjoy these things in my life. the endoscopy was an awful 20 minutes of my life and i unfortunately remember all of the procedure but it confirmed that i do, indeed, have celiac and so that was that.
i began officially training for my first marathon.
February
honestly just a lot of running and a lot of graduate school.
learned i loved (and am pretty good at!) statistics.
March
more running, more graduate school.
ran the st. patrick's day road race 5k with my mom.
started getting into "longest ever run of my life" territory with my marathon training long runs each sunday which was genuinely very motivating and exciting. started to feel like i could actually pull this thing off.
drama started unfolding with my roommate/friend.
April
turned 29!
my brother and rie got engaged when they were visiting japan :)
went to vancouver with emma for rachel's bachelorette party which i was very happy to have been invited to.
spring slow pitch started up again.
drama got worse with roommate/friend. started to figure out an escape plan.
May
met a boy i really liked which had not happened in a WHILE. thought things were going well and then he ended things. sadness ensued.
RAN THE FUCKING SASKATCHEWAN MARATHON.
June
suffered extreme post-marathon blues.
immediately signed up for a trail race and started going to run club as a means of keeping the vibes alive. the guy who runs the run club expressed interest in me and kept coming on way too strong and ruining the vibe because i went to run club just to meet friends and he always wanted to run together and would like DM me after and constantly text me and ask me to hang out and then he invited me to his best friend's wedding in canmore as his date and i was like DUDE i barely know you so i ghosted him and run club.
went to lucas and mack's wedding in jasper and co-emcee'd with carly.
July
moved the FUCK out of my old place and into my own new place!
attended rachel & adam's wedding and went home with someone i shouldn't have but it was still an overall great night.
went to crowsnest pass to watch the 7 kings win sinister 7! honestly had an 11/10 time as a spectator/hype woman.
went to SEATTLE with my friends & some other random swifties and saw the fucking eras tour. i was so tragically broke from the damage deposit & increased rent unexpectedly from the beginning of the month + the weddings. also wow some of those swifties take shit SERIOUSLY and also this was my first time traveling with celiac and so i was actually quite stressed for the entire trip but the concert was awesome and i am glad i went.
August
ran a PB in the edmonton half marathon with no metrics on my watch.
September
my brother & rie got married! i officiated.
dylan & jon also got married.
i started year 2 of grad school and also started my second gig as a TA which was SWEET money but a lot of extra work on grading weeks. omg.
October
visited saskatoon for thanksgiving
November
just... grad school, TAing, and running.
December
more grad school, TAing, and running.
visited arizona and got to hang with uncle ron, auntie wendy, reid and lindsay for a few days which was genuinely SUCH a nice treat and maybe the first time in a long time i actually let myself feel like i was on vacation and just... relax.
Like, right now it’s from the COVID and flu vaccines I got yesterday at the same time. But it also gets this way when I accidentally ingest gluten. And it makes me frustrated because it reminds me that I am, on paper, now a chronically ill person whose body doesn’t work quite right.
I have to use my Tumblr for blogging now like the olden days because my previous avenue for my thoughts and feelings is no longer a safe space. I was basically using it as a letter writing portal to someone I knew was reading, anyways. And now that feels like less of a good idea.
I wish I could sleep. Melatonin is no match for stress, apparently.
Work, study, grade, run, eat, sleep, repeat. One day I’ll look back on this time in my life and be amazed at myself for getting through it, I think. One day it will have been worth it. I am learning so much but I miss when I had the energy to respond to texts and could commit to weekend trips to celebrate my best friends’ birthdays. Sighhhh sigh sigh sigh. Self-imposed problems.
It's funny (in the sad, strange way) to read the last post I made on here. I was trying really hard to be good about that situation. But the faulty assumptions were not so faulty. He ended things with me six days after I posted that.
It ended up being okay, of course. I only knew him for a short time and it was really not that deep. I never even shed a tear about it. But it still sucked, feeling that cold, gray "I told you so" fog creep in and drown out the optimism and excitement I had felt about him. It gets harder and harder each time this kind of thing happens to get back out there. Harder and harder to fight the skepticism, the rejection-sensitivity, the fortune-telling cognitive distortions that end up being self-fulfilling prophecies.
Anyways. When this happened, I was commiserating with a close friend of mine. I was pondering what I'd done to change this person's mind about me, where along the way I'd make a mistake that caused him to have second thoughts. She said, well, you never know what could happen, when it's the right person pretty much nothing you do will prevent them from being open to another chance.
I remembered those words yesterday, and I made an earnest appeal to someone who I ended things with last spring about the regrets I have regarding that decision. I went out on a limb. I made myself vulnerable which is scary but I am proud of myself every time I do it. Anyways. He wasn't open to it. Not in an unkind way. In fact, I think he in many ways would be open to it but is making the decision not to as a means of protection. And closure. Which I understand and respect.
I feel okay about it. I can acknowledge that we can't expect people we have hurt in the past to come around. I can acknowledge the active role I've played in him deciding it's not for the best. Just another sad, strange move in the weird game of chess that is dating. I really hope I figure it out soon though, I'm tired of sleeping alone.
it's like a crash course in applying what i learn about (and advise others on) at my job to myself. i hate the therapyspeak but it really is an exercise in self-soothing. in recognizing the protest behaviours. the triggers. the faulty assumptions i'm working off of.
but i'm really excited and really happy about this.
As I sit here to write this, I am devoid of any profound takeaways or overarching themes to assign to 2022. It's not that nothing happened. On all accounts, it was actually an incredibly eventful year. But in some ways, it feels like all the same stuff. I continue to fall for the wrong people and act out when they behave exactly how one might predict them to. I continue to love running. I continue to advance in my career. I guess the new things about 2022 are that I have had to reckon with some serious changes to my lifestyle due to underlying health conditions that I have only recently become aware of, and I took on the additional challenge of starting graduate school. However, both of these things ultimately push me to be a better person. Particularly graduate school has been the kind of wake up call my brain needed. I can complain all I want about being busy but the reality is that I fucking love it. I love learning statistics and getting a 94% on my assignment and contributing in class discussions and reading articles and actually having takes on them because I'm a real deal professional. It's been good for my ego, if anything else.
And so I present once more: the annual year in review.
January
Sigh. Until I sat down to write this, I completely forgot that I had an entire boyfriend at the beginning of 2022. When I find myself lamenting about the lack of romance in my life, quickly remembering Bryan always does the trick to snap me back into reality. On paper, it should have worked out. Bryan was (is) a great guy, he cared about me and went out of his way to demonstrate that to me. He liked to run. He brought me flowers on Valentine’s Day and once drove two hours out of his way from Canmore to Calgary and back just to drop me off before he went ski touring. We spent a week together in his family’s absurdly beautiful Canmore condo, quarantining after Maddy woke up on January 1 with a positive COVID test after we’d been sharing drinks all night, watching Netflix documentaries about climbing, going in the hot tub, ordering ramen and having a ton of sex.
Dating him felt like dunking my face in ice water. It felt like finally seeing a movie that everyone else has been talking about for years and all the little references in other movies make sense in your brain. It was like… you can ask for that from a boyfriend? And as much as I enjoyed the way he liked me, my stupid brain could not figure out a way to reciprocate those feelings. My friends told me to wait it out, they reminded me that I tend to choose the wrong people and that maybe a slow burn is exactly what I needed. They were totally right. And so I resolved to wait, to give things an earnest chance to develop. But they didn’t. I realized I needed to break up with him when Maddy and I were driving back from Edmonton after a weekend visit with our then-boyfriends. As Maddy gushed about how great of a weekend she had and how she couldn’t wait to see Audla again, I stared at my reflection in the car window, nodding along but feeling a sense of dread creep over me as I reconciled with the fact that I was definitely going to have to break up with the nicest guy I had ever dated.
Hm, January was relatively uneventful. I did a lot of very cold winter running, and Wordle took over my life and the lives of my loved ones.
February
A spin studio opened up approximately one minute away from my apartment in Mission with an unlimited first month deal for $39, so I recall February as the month I became a spin class bitch. February was bitterly cold, and I was still working from home at the time with no other gym membership so it came at a good time. I do love spin class. I went almost every single day, sometimes twice a day. I like the electronic remixes of every song, I like the choreography, I like staring at myself in the mirror on the bike thinking “yes, bitch! Get it!”
I broke up with Bryan. On Valentine’s Day, actually. It was kind of strange. He was in Canmore for a bachelor party the weekend before, and had planned to spend the evening of Valentine’s Day with me because a) girlfriend and b) prevent driving 4 hours from Banff to Edmonton after bachelor party. So even though we had “broken up”, I said he was welcome to still stay here. He definitely thought he was getting laid. I guess you can’t blame him, but… he was not. That was the last day I saw him. We keep each other on social media and toss each other a Strava kudos here and there and that is just fine by me. He has a new girlfriend now who appreciates all of the wonderful things he does the way he deserves.
Ironically, both of these things led to the almost-immediate resurgence of a past lover. Like a karmic message from the universe – here was someone who I never questioned my attraction to. But I’d given up on it when I met Bryan. He lived only a few blocks away from me, and works as a paramedic out of a nearby hospital. As if on cue, he emerged one morning on 4 Street, walking past me in his North Face coat and black Vans. We locked eyes for a split second as I left spin class at 6:50am. Extreme restraint was exercised in not turning around to watch him after I realized who it was. I laughed at the coincidence, smirked, sent a few “Omg guess who I just saw?” text messages and forgot about it. He messaged me a photo he’d taken on our first date with no context a week later.
The Olympics were also on in February and I delighted in spending a lot of time watching snowboarding, skiing, and figure skating while I ate soup dumplings. The Olympics even inspired me to take my own cross country skiing lesson through Active Living at the University. Frankly, a bold move because I signed up all by myself and drove out to Kananaskis and tried a new thing which is highly uncharacteristic. I vividly remember thinking my car was going to run out of gas, and mentally preparing for how I was going to deal with that on Highway 40 with no cell service, I was counting down the kilometres when as if by fate a gas station appeared on the side of the road. I could have cried. I would’ve been so screwed.
March
From March 4-6, I completed the Goggins 4x4x48 challenge. I attempted it last year and failed, and so I was determined this year to do things right. To increase accountability, even though it pained me to do this publicly, I did it as a fundraiser for CommunityWise. I would say that the first ~4 rounds were fun. Lucas stayed over and ran with me outdoors for the midnight and 4:00am runs. There is something so deliciously unhinged about running four miles at 4:00am through the streets of Rideau Park, blasting ABBA. Lucas was also the person waiting for me at the very end of the challenge almost two days later, with a package of macarons and a smile. I feel this experience cemented Lucas and I as really close friends. My quads were aching so hard I could barely walk, I was so sleep deprived that by night two I was in the worst mood and just snapping at everybody, but miraculously we got it done. 77km in 48 hours, and I raised over $1,000 for CommunityWise. I took the Monday off of work but oddly, didn’t even need it. Will I be braving the Goggins challenge again? No. Well… never say never. But also, never.
I also facilitated my first ASIST workshop in March. By a lot of standards, this is an unremarkable thing. But for me, I have a lot of pride in being certified to facilitate ASIST because I feel like it is such a representation of my professional development as a social worker. Two days, eight hours of facilitation per day and it’s not easy. But having jumped through the hoops to become trained, and really just being trusted to teach people these skills and walk them through these difficult conversations. It is one of the most tangible ways in my job I get to actually help my community and have an impact and it feels good. Selfishly, the feedback I receive after every ASIST feels so validating and I’m very proud of myself for having this skill and being an ASIST trainer.
Paramedic Man (also known as, The Short King) and I hung out a few days after I’d finished the Goggins challenge. I remember it was International Women’s Day, and he’d playfully roast me and I’d say, “you can’t say that on International Women’s Day.” I went to the fancy liquor store in Mission and told the salesperson I had a first date, he recommended some wine and said it will for sure get you laid. He was right. I settled into the familiar anxiety of an unpredictable, bread crumb-y situationship. I didn’t think about Bryan at all.
April
I made an unhinged decision (shocker) and accepted an offer from a different previous lover (look, if you take one thing away from this Year in Review, let it me that I am a slut) to come visit him in Squamish over my birthday weekend. I want to be explicitly clear that accepting this offer was not sketchy. Emma and I had met him on our trip the previous summer and he was a perfect gentleman. Carbon restructuring engineer with a penchant for cocktails who took us to a secret cidery. I was legitimately excited but that trip turned out to be the biggest flop of all time. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen such rampant alcoholism up close like that. I don’t know if I didn’t notice it back in August or if things had taken a decline since last summer. The first night was actually good. He picked me up, having just “come from work” he said, and we had a few drinks at the condo he shared with his roommates and their dates, and then we went to a beautiful concert at the Brackendale Art Gallery. We split a bottle of wine and he showered me in compliments and I was like hell yeah, this is what I came here for. The next morning, he was… incapacitated. Literally. He was rocked by such a forceful hangover that there’s simply no way the only alcohol he consumed was that wine. He was literally tremoring! He had promised me a hike to a secret sauna that only the locals knew about. When we finally managed to get him out of bed around 2:00pm, we set out to find the sauna, he forgot where it was and then called it quits. We went for sushi lunch and he ordered a glass of chardonnay and then said he couldn’t stomach anything else. We got back to his place around 4:30pm and he put Rush Hour 2 on Netflix and promptly fell asleep. His roommates had begun their nightly ritual of drinking immediately upon getting home from work so I went down to join them, leaving him in bed. They drank, and drank, and drank. I was so desperate to get the fuck out of there. He was supposed to drive me into Vancouver the next morning to catch my flight but his roommates were going to Whistler to go snowboarding. At one point, clearly having realized I was having the worst time of my life, he asked if I’d be okay with it if he bought me a bus ticket and dropped me off. I was overjoyed. I went to bed and he did not return until 4:00am. My bus was at 6:00am. He was absolutely still drunk when he dropped me off at the bus. I waited until I was within city limits, blocked him on Instagram and have never spoken to him again. Lesson learned. However – the funniest thing to come out of that whole experience was that I was in such shock at the disarray of this man’s life since August that I was constantly updating my friends and I just put everyone in a group chat. At one point I sent a photo of his couch and kitchen counter to illustrate my point and the roasts that came out of that… honestly, maybe worth it.
April was also a special time because I received my acceptance to the Master of Public Health program at the University of Alberta. Just a few days before my birthday! I had kind of forgotten about that application, to be honest, and at that point had no idea how I was going to arrange it with work or pay for it or any of those details. But I can’t deny that receiving that email made my day. It felt good to have a plan, a next step. And you can’t deny that an MPH holds a lot more weight than a BSW or a fricking journalism degree.
May
Okay, May was actually a very important month of this year. So many of the major things that unfolded over the year can be linked back to origins in May.
Of particular note, the Pet Rabbit Debacle. Paramedic Man knew just how to activate my anxious attachment style and kept making plans with me only to cancel at the last minute. I got mad at him for this and he promised to make it up to me. He came over but was clearly distracted by something on his phone. He kept apologizing, and though I didn’t ask any questions he offered the excuse: “My friend’s pet rabbit ate something potentially poisonous and she’s just freaking out.” I said to him, “if you need to go, you can go” but he declined. At one point, I asked what the rabbit’s name was. “Scully,” he said. “Like, from X Files?” “Yeah, exactly.” I was annoyed. It sounded like the worst possible excuse you could ever use to get out of a date but then he didn’t even have the courage to actually leave. I resolved to stop putting in any effort with him. In the coming days, the Instagram algorithm gave me a precious gift. It’s a tale as old as time, really. He posted something on Instagram, a comment from a girl I recognized as his ex-girlfriend, I visited her page, she posted a photo of a pet rabbit, the rabbit has an account of its own, the rabbit’s name is Scully. The puzzle clicked together in my head. Part of me was like, okay, so the rabbit is real. The other part is like, but… it’s his ex’s rabbit. Now this is where the meddling begins. I noticed she had a mutual follower with a friend of mine from the Famoso days. I texted him, “how do you know her?” Innocently. He said, “she’s my manager at X bar, why?” I asked him, “do you know if she has a boyfriend?” “Yeah, insert Paramedic Man’s name here. Why?” Oops.
I also signed up for (was recruited for, actually) the Kananaskis 100 Mile Relay. Which was really the impetus I needed to get running more seriously in advance of Sinister 7 after having a very lazy spring.
I presented at a conference on May 14, on my Peer Listening program and how to embed peer support into larger networks of formal support. Other post-secondary staff workers attended from all over Alberta. Another check mark for professional development and social worker pride.
On May 16, I donated blood for the first time! This was perhaps the most crucial moment of my entire year, and in a domino effect kind of way, truly changed the course of my life forever and no, I am not kidding. The actual first donation was very uneventful. I walked to the blood clinic, focused on a grey spot on the wall while they took my blood and tried not to faint, downed a Sprite and some Cheetos and went on with my life. Because I am a data nerd, I downloaded the GiveBlood app. A few days later, my “stats” appeared in my account. Hemoglobin. Bleed time.
I spent the May long weekend in Meota, Saskatchewan with Ali, her mom, her stepdad, and his dad, Maurice. We referred to it as her “bachelor party.” It was the kind of perfect weekend that you can only have with someone you love and trust so dearly. I felt like a little kid again, returning to the lakes of Saskatchewan. We went fishing and although I caught a fish both times, I screamed whenever it came near me. Ali and I filmed TikTok dances on the deck late at night. We watched a hockey game and explored the tiny town of Meota with its beautiful golf courses. We went “jeeping” – a Saskatchewan pastime I had not yet experienced but instantly loved until we went to explore a creek and instantly got covered in ticks. If I get Lyme disease, it’s from that creek, for sure.
June
June meant a lot of running. It was like the running equivalent of staying up until 4am the night before a big exam trying to cram knowledge into your brain. Emma’s team from BLG for the Kananaskis 100-Mile Relay had asked me to run a leg, and we had Sinister 7 coming up in the first weekend of July. I had really slacked off in the spring, so I was forced to reconcile this by committing myself to 5-6 weeks (an abysmal amount of time for this calibre of race, unfortunately) of dedicated training. Knowing what I know now about my health at this time of the year, it makes sense why it did not really work. But I appreciated past-me’s hustle.
The actual day of the K-100 was one of my favourite experiences of the year. I asked the team captain, Jared, if I could ride with him in the crew car. We spent like, sixteen hours together in that car. Jared and I had known of one another for a long time through Emma and through the larger running community in Calgary but that day was the first time we had actually had the chance to meet. I have perhaps never hit it off with someone so quickly. Someone else whose idea of an amazing day is to run 100 miles of Highway 40 with your friends in the summer. My leg went… okay. I took off SO fast, way too fast, and then the rest of my leg was uphill so I did a lot of walk/jogging. It’s actually so sad that this race came at this point in the year. I am capable of so much MORE. But hopefully at some point in the future I am offered an opportunity to redeem myself.
But the absolute best part of June and also one of the best parts of this whole year was that Ali and Cody got married! I had the honour of being a bridesmaid and it was such an incredible day. The bridal party got to Ali’s early and in typical Ceaser fashion there was an absolute SPREAD of every conceivable breakfast and brunch item your heart could ever desire. We got hair and makeup done, drank a lot of mimosas, listened to a lot of romantic pop music, shared a lot of tears. When the torrential downpour started 90 minutes before the ceremony, everyone bit their tongues. Riding to Reader Rock Garden with Matt and another one of the bridesmaids as the rain hit the windshield so fast the wipers could barely keep up, and the cab driver cringed and said, “you said you guys are going to an outdoor wedding?” And it was silent. But in the most beautiful stroke of luck, the sun broke through the clouds like five minutes before the ceremony and Reader Rock Garden was absolutely glistening with fresh raindrops falling off of every radiantly green leaf and flower and my fake eyelashes. I sobbed… absolutely SOBBED when Ali walked down the aisle and through most of that ceremony. Ali is my first friend to get married which somehow just makes sense. But to see it all come together just did something special to my heart. It helps that she married the best guy in the entire world who I also love dearly. Watching something like that happen just makes all of the tears you cried together about much shittier dudes feel irrelevant, barely a blip on the universe of life.
July
So, so much happened in July. It earns bullet points:
I participated in my very first Sinister 7! Sinister 7 was such a fucking trip. It felt like being on the amazing race. Seven Kings Popping Off did exactly what we said we were going to do and absolutely popped off, finishing third (but then were bumped up to second because the second place team was all dudes and were incorrectly registered... #men) for the mixed relay teams. 161km and thousands of meters of elevation gain over seven runners. I contributed objectively the least to this win. If I am being honest, runningwise I did not have the most fun at Sinister 7. I performed poorly, injured myself, and was basically just like the personality hire of the team. Again, I know I am capable of so much more and I look forward to one day being able to show that. But the actual experience of being at the race was incredible. The camaraderie between our team, meeting Elspeth who ran a 50-miler and then hit the Cowboys tent at Stampede the next night, having Reid come out and stay with us and absolutely CRUSH his leg. I felt delirious by the end of it, trudging back into the Airbnb at 3:00am, my drunkness long dissolved.
THEN we visited Eugene for World Athletics Championships. God, there's so much I could write but my focus and patience in crafting this year in review is waning. Highlights: MEETING CRAIG ENGELS AT THE NIKE STORE. Seeing the Canadian men's 4x100m team upset the Americans in the final. Lovely's Fifty Fifty.
And then I topped off my wonderful trip away with a return to Big Valley Jamboree. Inspired by my wonderful friends. Lots of magic mushrooms were consumed. "Chef's Table." The death of Matt's Van. Tim McGraw. Love. Friendship. Margaritas.
August
I decided to focus on heart-rate based training after being in Oregon (and Sinister 7) and seeing all of these effortless distance runners in Alton Baker Park. Again, knowing what I know now about my health, it makes sense that this did not really work. But I have to admit the heart rate training did recalibrate my approach to running. It did amazing things for my stress levels, my mileage was extremely high. While it may not have helped my heart rate come down, there is absolutely merit to integrating phases of heart rate based training in the future and that was valuable learning.
I started school! And what a start it was. A two week, intensive, eight-hours-a-day block week course in which they simulated a flood and gave us harsh deadlines and made us work in teams of twelve. This experience was rendered even more stressful by the fact that what had started out in such a wholesome, lovely way with Jared had now lapsed into long response times. Or just no responses at all. I was simultaneously frustrated with his behaviour and frustrated at myself for letting yet another boy get in the way of being able to apply myself to my work, to my program, and to my own wellbeing. A simple, “hey, we should hang out soon J” text message to somebody who has been pursuing you left unanswered for an entire week. I hate who I become when this happens to me. Checking my phone incessantly. Then muting the notifications anyway because then maybe it’ll spontaneously be there. But it’s not there, ever. The response I was so desperately craving came a week later when I was at Globalfest with Connor. I don’t think we should pursue this. I don’t want to compromise the friend group or our running group. Cue eyeroll. Like, just tell me her name already. I say that now but admittedly, I was pretty devastated.
Another great part about August was that we played in a slow pitch tournament in Okotoks. This was the birth of our new team: Hawaii 5-Slo. Which is the product of a divorce from our previous team, We’d Hit That, where the competitive assholes among us split from the let’s-just-drink-beer-who-cares. I don’t think I need to clarify which team I ended up on. The tournament was actually crazy because it was torrentially bad weather. At one point, we ended up in the Blackfly tent being plied with free 7% bottled margaritas as we watched our paltry tents across the field get whipped by the wind. We played a few games, did poorly, attempted to wait it out and ultimately bailed to spend the night at Megan Kemper’s place in Okotoks which was ABSOLUTELY the right move. We ordered pizza, I took a shower, slept in a real bed. The best part of this tournament was that the team who defeated us in the second morning approached me after the game and asked if I would consider playing with them for the finals because they needed an extra girl. I said yes, went to finals, WON! and made a whole bunch of new friends. I even drove from that game into the city to play another game with them for their CSSC league that night, and continued to sub for them through the fall season.
September
This is where the story of this year becomes much more concerned with my health. In early September, I went for a second blood donation. During the pre-test, they measured my hemoglobin as is standard practice and the nurse noted to me that mine was quite low. No cause for concern, he said, but maybe check it out with your doctor. When my stats showed up in the GiveBlood app (because of course I check my stats), I noted that my hemoglobin was like, really low. Low enough that if it was any lower they would not have taken my blood that day. So I called and got an appointment with my family doctor. She waved it off but said she’d do a blood test just to check. I left the office requisition in hand and promptly stuck it to the side of my fridge on a magnet where it stayed for many many weeks.
The rest of September is a bit of a blur, to be honest. This is where I began the delicate juggling act of full time work, school, running, and just generally living my life.
October
So many things happened in October!
On October 1, I moved to Bridgeland into a really nice little two bedroom apartment with Maddy. Let me tell you, people, Bridgeland is where it’s AT. I had been sleeping on this neighbourhood but it’s easily become my favourite place I have ever lived. I brought all my furniture and Maddy brought all her knick-knacks and plants and our apartment is so fucking cute. My extroverted self also definitely appreciates having a friend and a roommate around. Some people might view moving in with a roommate after living on your own as like, a step backward. But after that lonely pandemic – why would I not take a nicer place, cheaper rent, and company? Please. Definitely one of the best choices I made this year.
I also ran in the Grizzly Ultra! I ran on a team with Rob, and Emma ran her first 50k ultra as a soloist. It was an incredibly beautiful day out in Canmore, like could not ask for a better day. I ran way better than I thought I could! And Rob and I managed to come third for the mixed teams (we really should have come second if I had hustled a little harder at the end). Emma did so well in her solo race and then we went back to the hotel room and drank beers and watched Forrest Gump on the hotel television.
Taylor Swift released Midnights on October 22. I went to a listening party at Carly’s and enjoyed every millisecond of it but especially how excited Carly was.
I played in a snow pitch tournament which, in typical CSSC slow pitch tournament fashion, was a mess. They even had it earlier this year to lessen the chances of this happening but there was SO MUCH SNOW. And it was thick, wet snow. The ball would basically immediately stop wherever it landed on the pitch. It made for an interesting day, that’s for sure. But we managed to win the tournament. And I slept with my teammate after. So, that actually makes me 2 for 2 in getting laid after snow pitch tournaments. And all is right with the world.
I woke up on the morning of October 29 to not one but two late night messages! One of which was from Jared. It’s like clockwork. Give it two, maybe three months and you wake up to a message like the one I got. You would think I would learn. But of course, I never do.
November
In November, I finally got around to getting my blood test and was confirmed to be suffering from severe anemia iron deficiency. This made sense. Symptoms began to piece together a story explained from the viewpoint of anemia. That mid-afternoon tiredness I thought I was curing with a “adrenal cocktail”? The unreasonably high heart rate and lack of progress despite months and months of dedicated training? The coldness and numbness? The frequent headaches? The change I felt when I started on iron pills was incredible.
I also registered for the Saskatchewan Marathon in November, which was scary and exciting at the same time. Me, former racer of the 100m and 200m dash, taking on the 42,200m.
More happened with Jared and I in November but I honestly… don’t want to talk about it. And this is literally my blog so I can write whatever the fuck I want. Let’s just leave it at: he wasn’t very kind. I wish it had never happened.
December
So, here is where the life altering news comes in. In the absence of any glaring cause for anemia, it is standard practice to screen for celiac disease. This is because people with undiagnosed celiac disease often have damage to their intestines that is causing the malabsorption of nutrients. My doctor explained this to me and requested that I have another blood test done. I was so certain that I was not celiac that I did not think anything of getting this test done.
But on December 6, 2022 in my office on My Health Records – I was shocked to see that my level of antibodies were literally off the charts. They were so high they were at a level unmeasurable to the test. I texted my brother. “That’s positive for celiac.”
On December 7, 2022 a call from my doctor’s office. “You’re sure it can’t be anything else?” I asked, desperate. “This is pretty much what we would call a slam dunk, from a diagnostic perspective,” she told me. What ensued was a 72-hour mental breakdown that rivals any heartbreak or trauma I’ve been through before. I don’t know how to explain it. I could. not. stop. crying. Could not stop thinking about everything I can’t do. Everything I can’t eat. Everything I can’t participate in. I had to take like, 10 melatonins just to sleep at night. I cried every time someone said something to me at work. I hid in my office and forced myself to eat Lara bars. But I also just didn’t eat for three days because food suddenly seemed scary, and like the enemy. If I am to be completely honest, I think a large part of this emotional reaction to the diagnosis was also sadness at thinking about my poor body. It may not have felt sick but it was really sick. And I knew something was wrong. Would I have guessed this? No. But I think about all of the work I put this body through and how much I cherish what it does for me and allows me to do. And the fact that I have been really sick. For maybe a really long time. Made me sad. So it was grieving but in a way, also relief. With diagnosis comes labels. It comes restrictions. It comes lifestyle changes. But it also comes answers, explanations, cures. Celiac disease is the only auto immune disease for which there is a full cure. Just don’t eat gluten and your intestines heal and life goes on.
Another piece of life altering news that I got actually a few hours post-celiac diagnosis was that I got a huge promotion and a $12,000 raise at my job. This promotion and raise is absolutely deserved. I work really fucking hard and have been really underpaid at this job for a long time. But given that I’m in a union, it took a lot of advocating for myself and proving my worth to my team in order to be in this position. We are NOT in Kansas anymore. This is serious, real deals social work and I am extremely proud of myself for working my way up to this level in just three years.
2023
In 2023, I look forward to taking control of my health and seeing what a gluten free life does for my mind and body and spirit and intestines. I am already seeing huge progress in my running and I can’t wait to build on it and just… be healthy.
I have SO many good concert tickets in 2023. Death Cab for Cutie (twice), Alvvays, Andy Shauf, Blink 182, Taylor fricking Swift, The Postal Service. Lots of music related travel. A tentative trip to Palm Springs for Stagecoach at the end of April. So much to look forward to.
I also am excited to dedicate myself to marathon training and see what I can do on May 28in Saskatoon!
I am conducting an experiment with my running by trying out some aerobic running, based on heart rate. For years, I have run with a watch that tracks my heart rate as I exercise. I have long since understood that my heart rate is higher than it should be while exercising, no matter how physically fit I seem to get. It skyrockets within 30 seconds of starting even a slow jog and usually rests around 175-185bpm. I originally thought my watch must've been faulty, but this range remains true across different watches and even chest-strap HR monitors.
Having a high BPM while I run hasn't stopped me from achieving some pretty ambitious running goals. But I have noticed that after a run, I feel pretty depleted. Anything over 8km is probably going to induce a nap, and lots of running gets me pretty sore.
I learned about the idea of aerobic training a long time ago and have been interested but non-committal about it. The idea is that while I may be physically fit and have good cardio, I am not aerobically fit. My body is not trained in using fat as an energy source rather than glucose or glycogen. Our bodies have way more fat in them than glycogen - so when you're running on purely glucose it takes more effort to go faster and you run the risk of bonking if you go for too long. It makes sense that I would have virtually no aerobic base. I trained purely as a sprinter for like, thirteen years. I don't really bike, or swim, or go on walks. I pretty much just run as fast as I can every day. My anaerobic system is a well-oiled machine. But that can only take you so far.
So I am committing to a month (minimum) of purely heartrate-based training. Based on progress after a month, I'll slowly integrate some more speedwork and tempo work but hoping to keep it mostly aerobic from now until the end of the year. This will come with a sharp increase in mileage, and hopefully I can keep my injured ankle in check with the lower intensity - and we shall see how it goes!
Because I use my watch so frequently, I have a good idea of my resting and maximum heart rates so I didn't use any specific formula to calculate those (why would you when you can use real data from your own actual body), so my HR zones are as follows:
i am fairly certain nobody reads this anymore. if you do... a) why? and b) this will almost certainly be the final straw you needed to stop doing that. i'm going to use this as a place to track my progress as i embark on a new sort of running training :-) go me
“The number of hours we have together is actually not so large. Please linger near the door uncomfortably instead of just leaving. Please forget your scarf in my life and come back later for it.”
I have never really had to break up with somebody before. Not somebody whose reaction mattered to me the way his does. I underestimated how much it sucks from this side of the situation.
It's the right thing to do and I hope I am doing it as right as one can. I am trying to learn from my experiences being broken up with. Trying to think of how I wished those experiences had unfolded, and how to show him respect and honesty while still ending this relationship.
It's hard. I'm sad. But I am also proud of myself, and I am relieved.
2021, the year we all spoke longingly about in 2020 as the year things would be back to normal. How tragically and profoundly naive we were. Needless to say, things are not back to normal. However, despite the global pandemic that rages on around us at all times, it has not stopped 2021 from being a good year. Unfortunately, for a large part of this year the most exciting and all-encompassing (and unhealthy) thing going on in my life was a boy. I really doubt he will ever find this so I'm going to just use his name throughout. I am cringing already at how much space he has taken up in this post, but if I am to provide an accurate reflection of my year it is only fair that it corresponds to how much space he took up in my head. Don't worry, though (spoilers), he falls off for good about midway through.
January, February, and March
Yes, I am just going to go ahead and combine the first three months of the year into one subheading. That is the kind of year 2021 was. A lot of these winter month days felt like the same day on repeat. They passed by in a monotonous fog of work, stress, and running.
We begin with New Year's Eve. It... sucked, frankly. The pandemic restrictions were relatively strict at this time so nobody was throwing parties. I spent New Year's Eve with Alex, just the two of us at my place. His drinking prowess was questionable at best and yet he kept taking shots. Too many shots. He was violently throwing up in my bathroom mere minutes after the clock turned to midnight. He was embarrassed and wouldn't let me help. I had to just leave two sticks of gum and a glass of water on the edge of the sink and sit awkwardly in the hallway until he emerged and was okay. I tried not to sulk as I thought about the champagne I had excitedly purchased for us when he had asked me to spend the night together sitting in my fridge, untouched. The romantic New Year's Day sleep-in I had envisioned did not come, either. I cried the minute he left my house on January 1, wishing I had just gotten drunk off cab sauv with my friends on Zoom instead. I didn't say anything to him but quietly removed him from my social media and vowed that I'd do my best to move on in this new year. I went out on a whole bunch of random dates to try and make myself feel better. I went skating in Bowness Park with this total van-lifer guy who thought Shambhala was an underground, only-for-the-hardcore kinda festival. I still have scars on my ankles from that date because my skates didn't fit comfortably and I was wearing ankle socks. Anyways, I folded like a house of cards when Alex texted me two weeks later.
Things were strangely good after that. Good enough that I asked him to spend Valentine's Day together and he agreed, even said he was excited. What followed has got to be one of the biggest Ls I have ever taken in my dating life. I can laugh at it now but god damn, that shit was brutal. I meticulously planned this date. I bought lingerie, I went to the Italian market and bought nice ingredients and good wine for dinner, I got us prosecco and orange juice to have in the ski hill parking lot in the morning. When the day rolled around, there were so many red flags quite literally from the moment I woke up. He texted me to say he had a bit of a cold and was I okay with that if we were spending the day together? Should've known. On the drive up, he told me his friends had come by delivering cookies for "all their single buddies", should've known. He brought a handle of Fireball to the hill and demolished it and got weird and drunk and wouldn't even really wait for me on the slopes. Should've known. It wasn't until the very end of the night, like seconds away from sleep, that he said, "I just want to check that this is as casual for you as it needs to be for me." We had the most awkward and weird conversation. Just your classic, "well I'm not sleeping with anyone else either but I just am not ready for a relationship right now." I wanted him out of my house so badly but his skis were everywhere and he was drunk and it was too much work. I slept on the couch in my own damn house and then my stomach got upset from my meal I had made (he was somehow fine). In the morning, he got up at like 5am and left to go skiing with a friend. I remember coming out of my room later that morning and seeing the empty bottle of the nice wine I bought just sitting on my counter and having a split second urge to just smash it all over the floor. I texted him to end it a few days later.
A few non-boy related things did happen in this time period as well. Georgia took me on my very first trail run and it was instant love (also just cool to get to hang out with Georgia, she is amazing). I got to go to Fernie with Maddy for a weekend and the forecast was shit but then it surprised snowed 50cm overnight and we had the most dream ski day ever. I love Maddy with my whole heart.
April
I always look forward to April, it's my birthday month and the end of the academic year which always brings some relief with my job.
I got a bike for my birthday. It is a purple cruiser bike and it's so cute. I hosted a beer mile as my birthday celebration. Always been a bucket list item, I recruited some runners and some spectators and we went to Glenmore track to unleash the chaos. There were some actual runners training there when we arrived, we explained to them and their coach what we were planning and promised to stay out of their way and they said omg a beer mile! Can we watch? Of course I said yes. I projectile vomited all over the track after my third lap. A weird way to honour all of the time of my life I have spent at that track. It was so awesome... to run a beer mile but also to have friends who will support you and join you in running a beer mile. Other beer milers included Scott, Rie, Jon, Dylan, Emma, and Lucas. Honourable mention to the ad-hoc "Testosterone Mile" competitors, a last minute event that was thrown together by the boys who had been golfing all day and were certifiably in the bag at the time of the beer mile. Pukers include myself, Lucas, Matt, Josh, and Brodie. Godspeed and happy penalty laps to all.
I also got my first dose of the COVID-19 vaccination.
And as we have come to expect in this world, things imploded once again with Alex at the end of April. We reconnected, as you do when you're in a shitty weird situationship in a pandemic and instagram is a thing, in the middle of March. I wish I could say it would be the last time, but we are getting there, I promise. He had recently converted his SUV into a little camper van. On a random night at my place while I was lamenting about being stressed about my job, he suggested we go car camping in Waiparous. He said let’s have a fire, do some psychedelics, not have cell service. I was so excited. I haven’t ever really dated anyone who is all outdoorsy and who can just take care of a campsite like that and it was nice to just sit there and drink beers by the fire while he did everything. His little makeshift camper was actually really comfortable and warm despite it being April in Alberta. We dropped a tab of acid each and went mountain biking. We explored in the woods. We watched Inglorious Bastards on his laptop in the car and listened to weird music and fell asleep. It was actually kind of nice. But when he dropped me off at home after three days together, the weirdest feeling came over me. I felt this profound sense of sadness, and frustration, and fear. I feared that I still didn't know what was going on with us or if I'd ever see him again. I called him to ask and he ended up coming over to #have #the #conversation. I sobbed, like SOBBED the way you do when you’re in your room alone except he was right there witnessing it all. For like two hours and that is unfortunately not an exaggeration. It was a gross, heaving sobs, mascara-running-down-your-cheeks kind of crying. He even cried a little bit, too. It was bad. Shoutout to Kendal for being there for me on this day after he had gone, with the sugar cookies and the prosciutto and the nice Kleenex. Kendal is a good friend who hated this guy from day one and still managed to have compassion when I was devastated about us ending things.
May
May was rough, boys. At least work was dying down a bit, but I was experiencing the torrential type of sad girl hours I had not known since like, 2016. I really have to thank my friends during this time for looking out for me. I was feeling very lonely and sorry for myself. Maddy drove down from Banff for one night to take me to see Shrek at the drive-in movie theatre in the south of the city. Kendal was there for me so hard during this time, too. I feel the love. I also started taking CBD oil to help me with sleep. God bless you, CBD oil.
I was taking a professional development course on harm reduction and social work practice that was really cool.
On May 5, Karla texted me to let me know she and Laszlo had found a place and would be moving at the end of the month. I was unsurprised, given that she had not spent a night at our place since early October, but that also meant I needed to decide on some next moves. I’d known that my living arrangements were a little too-good-to-be-true for a long time but I was still sad to see it go. I decided that I was so accustomed now to living on my own that I didn’t want to chance things with a new roommate, especially one that my landlord would pick out, so I decided I’d just have to pay more and find a place for myself. That didn’t take too long though and I found my cute little studio/1bedroom place in Mission. Shoutout to my parents for helping me with the move, and stress, and last-minute planning.
May 1 also marked the beginning of GVRAT1000K season! My second GVRAT1000K challenge provided a much-needed distraction and a sense of purpose and a reminder of who the fuck I am during a time where I desperately needed those things. The timing worked out quite well. I did some great trail runs in May. Emma and I went out to Bragg Creek, I ran the Across the Nation Run in Isolation a second year in a row and ran a major personal best in my half marathon (under 2 hours for the first time ever!), and Emma, Rie, and I conquered Mount Aylmer as a run. It really truly helped.
The other thing that happened in May was my parents got a new puppy. He is a chihuahua, Pomeranian and Yorkie cross. His name is Rory. He is no Ollie, Ollie will always be number one in my heart and literally no dog can change that ever. He is cute and having a puppy around was also a pleasant distraction during this time of sad girl hours.
June
I moved into my apartment in Mission on June 1. We were in the middle of a crazy heat wave and the moving day was so stressful because Karla was also moving out and we had to coordinate all of the U-Hauls and moving trucks and boxes. It was weird to say goodbye to Capitol Hill Crescent. I lived there for a long time and I spent so much time there in this pandemic all by myself. It was like my little sanctuary for so long. I actually felt a lot more sad than I imagined I would that day.
Emma and I went on a little mini vacation to the mountains. We ran the Highline Trail and did a half marathon on Goat Creek Trail. We got cocktails at Park Distillery and aggressively hit on our server. We took a bunch of mushrooms and hiked Cascade Amphitheatre and also just hung out in town laughing our asses off in the hot tub at the hotel and on Tunnel Mountain. I got a $346 distracted driving ticket in Canmore.
I got my second dose of the Moderna vaccine on June 16 and god damn, that vaccine had no mercy. It took me out. A few hours post vaccine, I slipped into what I call the Moderna coma. I slept all afternoon and when I woke up all disoriented, I checked my phone and had a text from Alex. I literally thought I was hallucinating. It had been almost two months of zero contact. I was feeling so much better about it all. The text was so classic. “Hey, this thing made me think of you. I hope you’re doing well, you don’t have to reply if you don’t want to.” I……. replied. He said, "I hope you're enjoying your new place!" I said, "how did you know I moved?" He said, "Hinge listed you as my most compatible, it thinks we should give this another shot." I literally told him to stop fucking around and either ask for a second chance if that's what he wanted or leave me alone. He literally said, "please don't block me." God, I cringe.
I went to Saskatoon to visit my family which was such a wonderful time. I don’t often get to visit Saskatoon in the summer. We had a bocce ball tournament on Dodo’s acreage, I went for a run with my cousins on Meewasin trail, I bought new running shoes at Brainsport. The weather was beautiful and I just felt so lucky and happy to have the family that I do.
I’m honestly getting bored of this storyline even though I lived it but once we were both back in the same city, I talked to him on the phone. He caved, this time. He told me he missed me, he regretted how things ended. Told me he’d been biking by the river around the same time and place he knows I like to go running in the hopes we might run into each other. Told me he had resorted to creeping my Strava account to see what I was up to because I had him blocked on Instagram. Told me he’d told his friends about me and they’d encouraged him to shoot hit shot for another chance. It was very validating to hear from him in that moment and honestly, it felt good. He asked me on a date. He kept referring to it as “first date… kinda nervous.” It felt surreal. I told all my friends and I could practically feel everyone putting their heads in their hands like ughhhhh noooooooo.
July
July was a wonderful month of lots of trail running and hiking. Summer slow pitch also started back up which was the best because it had been delayed through the spring due to the pandemic.
In the middle of July, I went back out to Waiparous for a weekend to play in Survivor Waiparous Season 2: Rally to Return. I was invited to play via Kendal, her girlfriend’s friends were the ones who organized it and had played the first season last summer. In earlier pandemic days, Kendal and I had bingewatched it all over YouTube and she told Kate I wanted to play and then I was in. I didn’t really know what to expect but I definitely underestimated the legitimacy of how hardcore Survivor would be. I pulled up with many boxes of beer in my trunk, imagining there was no way I’d make it all that far and I could probably just get drunk by the fire for most of the weekend. I was… incorrect. Survivor Waiparous was extremely legit. We had buffs, tribes, idols, challenges, immunity tokens, torches… people were backstabbing and conniving and allies and enemies. It was actually weird how totally immersed I became into the game. It was hard at night to like, stop thinking about it. It’s worth sharing as well that I made it aaaaalmost to the finale, so that might have something to do with it. It was also just a wonderful weekend, I met so many lovely people and had such a good time. The weather was perfect. I had no cell phone service for four days and it was truly like a once in a lifetime kind of experience that you just feel so lucky to be a part of.
At the end of the month, me and Alex finally ended things for good. What had happened after our little reunion in June was that we hung out twice and then he went away to BC for a climbing trip that was supposed to last ten days. At first, I was pleasantly surprised. He made a concentrated effort to FaceTime me and I felt like hey, he’s really trying. Then ten days extended to two weeks, then three… I was trying not to get frustrated but all the same old anxieties and dread came back. When he finally came back, I remember he called me and I didn’t even pick up the call. He called me again and I answered and he said, “I was worried for a second you were done with my shit.” I was kind of done with his shit by then. He told me some story about another girl and I couldn't even bring myself to get jealous (extremely out of character pour moi). I remember telling Emma that I was pretty sure I needed to end it before we went on our trip in August because I didn’t want to have to worry about all of this while we were away. But it was, in the end, him who decided when that conversation would happen. I surprised myself because I didn’t even cry. I actually am really proud of how I handled that final conversation. I wasn’t mean, which I certainly can be when I’m defensive, but I stood up for myself. I made my boundaries clear. He was so shocked when I told him I’d block his number. I think he thought I was bluffing. I did block it, though, and I hooked up with someone else like… five hours after that conversation happened. And I have not spoken to or had any contact with him since. Which suggests to me that it was the right call. Goodbye and good riddance to you, sir.
HOWEVER, as a result of sleeping in my contact lenses after that 5-hours-post-breakup hookup, I got a corneal ulcer. It was so awful. I had to put in so many eyedrops and wear my glasses for like two weeks and go to the eye doctor like every three days. It ended up not being a big deal but I did have a literal hole in my cornea for a hot second there.
The last thing that happened in July was that Kendal returned back to Ottawa for her Master’s. It was an extremely sad moment and I burst into tears saying goodbye to her. She has been such an amazing friend and person through this pandemic, I truly don’t know how I would’ve gotten through it if it wasn’t for her and I will always be grateful when I look back on this time in both of our lives that we had eachother. I was happy for her to be able to go back to Ottawa to pursue her dreams and do all of her amazing stuff but that night at Ol’ Beautiful I cried and cried.
August
I was a little behind in the GVRAT at the beginning of August and so I was tasked with running/walking/hiking a 292km month in order to finish on time.
I spent ten days of August on the best fricking trip ever with Emma. We drove from Calgary to Squamish and then were staying at this hotel that doubled as a brewery. We obviously had to get beers upon our arrival, and some dude slid into my DMs on Instagram. We were in a #mood so we invited him and his friend to join us at the brewery and it unfolded into the most wild night even though Emma and I had driven twelve hours that day and gotten up at 4am. They took us to this cidery in Squamish and Caleb worked there so he got behind the bar and made us spicy margaritas. He took us to this bar called the Goat where we played Mario Kart and did tequila shots. We kept telling ourselves we just had to be back in bed by midnight in order to crush our planned trail run the next morning. I kissed Caleb next to the arcade games and we made plans to hang out again when Emma and I would return to Squamish the following week. I remember specifically being in the bathroom of this cidery and it was the kind of bar bathroom where people have written things all over the walls and I was obviously drunk so this is kind of cringe and cheesy to write but someone had written a message about being in the present moment and I just thought to myself I was so glad I didn't have to fuck with Alex anymore and could just enjoy all of the random things that were unfolding and I was like wow it really took me like 3 weeks to get fully over that and it was a really really good feeling.
Plus we ACTUALLY DID THE TRAIL RUN THE NEXT DAY even though it nearly killed us. We spent the first 5km in a sweaty silence until one of us was like, "this sucks" "yeah." But once we'd sweated out the margaritas, Garibaldi Lake was beyond gorgeous.
We spent the weekend in Tofino. We did a ton of mushrooms and went to the Tofino brewery and were so high and had no idea if the staff could tell or not (they probably could… they sat us at the couch table, after all). We ended up meeting some friends of Emma’s at a cocktail bar. We did more mushrooms and went back to our campsite to party on the beach. We found a full setup with a gas firepit and just decided to make it our own (mushroom ideas LOL), everyone sent Jordan and I to grab lawn chairs and propane and when we came back to the beach, the owners of the firepit had arrived. The guy introduced himself as “low rider J” and they were friendly but the vibe was not it so we kinda just did our own thing down the beach. We blasted Kygo and danced in the sand. These dudes from Ireland came over to hang out and the one guy was so drunk his friend had to take care of him and they were kind of hitting on Jordan and it was so, so funny. At the end of the night, it was clear that they thought we’d be hooking up with them but we did not do that and sent them in a taxi to their own campsite.
Lucas arrived in Tofino and we did many athletic things like running and biking and hiking. He pointed out constellations in the night sky and we ate salt and vinegar chips. It is so funny to think of how long I’ve known Lucas and how we were never really all that close until fairly recently. He tolerated 48 straight hours with me and Emma which is a feat so, good for you Lucas. I am happy to know you and to be your friend.
Emma and I spent a very dank night in Port Alberni on the way home. When we stopped in Squamish, we ran Panorama Ridge and then Caleb took us out for cocktails. It was the best kind of night, especially after you’ve crushed your number one bucket list trail run. He held my hand and we kept kissing at the bar and it was just like… hell yeah. He made me coffee in the morning and he put Kurt Vile on because he knew I liked him. I thought to myself how nice it was to spend time with someone, even if that time is so limited, who actually took care of you and wasn’t secretive about liking you. The two evenings I spent with Caleb showed me more dignity and respect than anything Alex ever did.
We departed Squamish and spent the last few days of our trip in Panorama with Emma’s parents and boyfriend. We played Exploding Kittens, drank prosecco, hiked Jumbo Pass and hung out in the hot tub. I finished my second GVRAT1000K. All in all – it was the best trip. Emma and I had so much fun, so many adventures, we laughed so hard and created so many memories.
September
We made a full return to the office in September and it was a wake up call and a half. I had to re-adapt to a) actually doing work, b) in-person appointments with clients, c) a fourty-hour work week and d) work apparel. I am much more productive when I'm in the office and the added social interaction infinitely improves my morale and my mood, so I am happy for the switch.
I was coasting off of a very high volume August and was probably in some of the best physical shape I've ever been in in my entire life at this point. I ran personal bests in my 5k, 10k, and half marathon. I ran a fricking 1:50 half marathon! Like, what?! I never in a million years would've thought that possible.
I also did a lot of dating in September. September was the first time I actually got to meet Bryan. I knew him (sort of) via Maddy because she's dating his best friend. She had mentioned to him about my running the GVRAT1000K and Bryan followed me on Strava earlier in the year. We were just distant Strava pals until he messaged me at the end of August to say he was coming to town and could we go for a drink? I said yes, and while our first date was lots of fun I remember walking away from it thinking wow, he's lovely, but he lives in Edmonton and I got more ~friend~ vibes anyway. Little did I know! I also met a few other great people in this time. I went on the most spectacular first date with a harm reduction paramedic where we drank by the river and then played We're Not Really Strangers and he left me a note that I read in the morning. It didn't work out with him for a number of reasons, which is fine, but I remember in that moment enjoying how much fun I was having just being confident in myself enough to date and be vulnerable and open with new people.
And in September I ran two races, the Castle Alpine Trail Race with Emma and Rie and the Calgary half-marathon. Both were highly emotional and happy experiences. I was terrified of the CAT but then suddenly I was on the course and I was having the time of my life. The adrenaline I felt when I realized I had reached the top of the ascent and could just enjoy flying down the hill to the finish line was unparalleled. And the Calgary marathon was an amazing experience too. To finally run an in-person race, to see my parents on the corner cheering me on and to run a 10k personal best in the middle of a half-marathon personal best... I felt on top of the world that day.
October
On Thanksgiving weekend, Emma and I ran the Grizzly ultramarathon in Canmore. 25 (well, more like 28)km each, and her parents and Rob came to watch and cheer us on. It was such a cool experience even though my legs were literally giving out on my second leg of the race. Canmore gifted us the most beautiful sunrise and the best weather for the race. Of course, we’ve signed up to do it again in 2022. These trail races get really addicting, honestly.
Following the Grizzly, I got super sick. I don’t know if it was like a post-ultra flu that then turned into something worse or what but I was out for an entire week of work which was terrible. I tested for COVID-19 twice because I had all the symptoms but it was negative both times. I literally spent a week almost entirely in bed. I know I put my body through a lot in these weeks but I have not been sick like that since early 2019, and even then it wasn’t this bad.
I was supposed to go to Ottawa to visit Kendal in October but then she contracted mono AND strep and thus my trip had to be cancelled. When my work learned I’d be in town instead of going to Ottawa on my trip dates, they asked me if I wanted to go to ASIST train-the-trainer. ASIST T4T is a five day intensive training program where they certify you to teach the ASIST method of responding to suicide to others. It’s been a dream and a big personal goal of mine to be an ASIST trainer since I got into working at the university so I said yes and got to spend a week in this course. It was really cool except for the fact that I got sexually harassed by the facilitator who used my personal cell phone number to send me inappropriate text messages late at night. And yes, I reported him to the Executive Director of the managing organization for ASIST in Alberta.
November
The first weekend in November, our slow pitch team got together to play in a “snow pitch” tournament out in Okotoks. What a mess but oh my god, so fun. Slow pitch has truly been one of the great joys of my last few years. I never expected to love it as much as I do, especially considering how bad I am. But to be out there on the diamond with my friends, blasting music and crushing beers and actually not sucking too bad… t’was so fun.
I then got sick again. Unsure if it was some kind of resurgence of the first sickness or an entirely new one but it took me out for another few days of work. I could literally see the infection on my tonsils. It was disgusting. Bryan was coming to town and we had planned a date that I was extremely excited for and I literally woke up with this infection all over my tonsils and was so frustrated about the timing I wanted to cry. I went to the walk-in clinic for antibiotics and admitted defeat. On Friday of that week, Bryan called me and made a last-minute proposal: I know you're sick but I want to see you, come up to Canmore and spend the night here if you want, my brothers are here, we're going to have some beers and play some games. I grabbed my penicillin and said SAY LESS and got in my car and blasted Message in a Bottle from the re-release of Taylor Swift's RED album like 100 times and it was an incredible night and really the turning point in my relationship with Bryan because I felt like I was finally experiencing what it is like to date somebody who takes care of you. In the big ways like making sure you are comfortable and healthy and happy but in the small ways like giving you his jacket when you're cold and making you coffee and just MAKING A GODDAMN EFFORT it was so attractive.
December
I can't really think of what to write for December.
I've taken a little bit of a running hiatus which I think has actually been healthy for me. It's interesting to see how the absence of stressors makes it easier for me to lay off the running a bit.
Work has slowed down quite a bit as it always does around exam season. It has been strange to navigate the anti-vaccination folks as part of my work. Just something that they never really could've predicted and therefore it's hard to know how to deal with it so we're all just kind of winging it. Like, yeah, honestly, they ARE kind of infringing upon your rights and freedoms but it's for the greater good and also the vaccine isn't going to kill you, you stupid idiots.
In Conclusion:
· While this year in review post seems to focus on the usual aspects of my life – boys and jobs and vacations and friends – we are still indeed living through a global pandemic that is having a profound effect on almost every aspect of our lives as we know it and will irreversibly shape the future. Sometimes, I wonder if I am too nonchalant when it comes to the pandemic. I wonder if I will look back on this post and think, really? That’s what I was so concerned about as this huge global event was taking place around me? But I also understand my avoidance of talking and thinking about the pandemic so much as a coping mechanism of sorts. Don’t get me wrong, I’m double (and soon to be triple) vaccinated, I mask up, I do the things. But ignorance is also bliss, and I think sometimes acknowledging the true impacts and threats of the pandemic to our lives is an overwhelming task. 2021 felt a bit more normal than 2020, I’ll give it that, but there are still so many unknowns.
· I achieved physical feats I never thought possible during this year and I owe it all to my own hard work and dedication. That feels very good to say. Falling in love with trail running and exploring the world of ultrarunning has really helped my confidence. These sports are not for the faint of heart. When my body shows me it is capable of these crazy ascents and races and being right there in it and the adrenaline is coursing through my veins, I feel so proud of myself.
· I got my heart broken this year. It sucked (but never as bad as the first one, of course). That was also a lesson… recognizing that you can pretty much get over anybody that you need to with the right attitude, time, patience, and having already been through a bad breakup. I also feel like I am mature enough to recognize the places where I messed up in this relationship and contributed to the dynamic. It’s not fair to say it is all his fault (it is… mostly his fault, though) and through being honest about those things, I have been more capable to be honest with people about what I want and to accept when they don’t want the same. I put myself out there a lot more with people than I used to and I am much more resilient to rejection.
· Aaaand I met Bryan this year which I really feel like is the universe being like okay, that last one was brutal... I think you've learned your lesson, here's the person you're actually supposed to be with. Go for it.
So, I think if I had to encapsulate 2021 into a lesson or a theme it would be the importance of asking for what you want and not being afraid of the consequences. Not just in romantic situations but with friendships, at your workplace, with your family. Not only does it force you to think about what it is you actually want out of your life but asking for it and getting it helps you realize that you actually deserve it. When I didn’t ask for what I wanted and went along with someone else’s needs, I got hurt. Even when I did ask for what I want and it didn’t work out, I was able to be proud of myself for going for it. We only have a limited time here in this world, don’t be shy about going after what you want and need.
2022:
There is much to look forward to in 2022. I am nervous about the challenges that a fifth wave and an in-person semester at the university will bring. I’m in a super healthy and happy relationship that also happens to be long distance… and I’m excited about where this is going to go but also recognizing this is new territory for me in a number of ways. I’ll find out if I have been accepted into graduate school and will potentially be starting, I get to see my best friend get married and be in the wedding party, I get to run Sinister fucking 7!!!!!, and I get to go watch World Athletics Championships for two weeks in July with my family. My brother will become a doctor (!) and will potentially have to move away for his residency... there's lots to imagine and probably also so many things I can't even begin to imagine. Such is life. :)
Maybe we're just born to love and worry about the people we know, and to go on loving and worrying even when there are more important things we should be doing. And if that means the human species is going to die out, isn't it in a way a nice reason to die out, the nicest reason you can imagine? Because when we should have been reorganising the distribution of the world's resources and transitioning collectively to a sustainable economic model, we were worrying about sex and friendship instead. Because we loved each other too much and found each other too interesting. And I love that about humanity, and in fact it's the very reason I root for us to survive - because we are so stupid about each other.
