Me.Huggy

I am me Huggy.

[mehuggy]

The Hate Is Strong

Just been on the floor of the bathroom bawling my eyes out. I hate myself so much.

I hate the fat on my belly.

I hate the hair on my face and neck, I hate the shaving.

I hate my face and the way it looks.

I hate the skin around my eyes with all of the wrinkles and colour.

I hate my eyebrows or the 2 tuffs of hair that are supposed to be my eyebrows.

I hate my hair with it's 6 months of growth into curls

The worst thing I hate is that I can't do anything about it, I don't have the funds to be able to pay for it all to be fixed...

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Progress

Me today after 3 months of HRT Vs the old Chris. Feeling so much better now than what I was feeling then.

[mehuggy]

A State of Zen

Since starting taking Estrogen my mind is so much calmer, I'm so much happier in who I am and how I look. It's like being in a state of Zen, I would never have thought that it would be such a profound change in my mind.

I can't stop smiling and giggling , I have never felt this happy, I love the new me and that makes me so sure that this is so right for me to do.

[mehuggy]

A Year on

It's been a year now since my egg popped and I have to say i'm loving it. It's been the best decision of my life to sod it and come out of the darkness. Been doing voice trianing to feminise my voice. I'm having laser work and IPL to reduce my hair which has worked really well so far. For the next year will be the big one for changes as i'm starting HRT. Taking estrogen to nuke my testosterone, the estorgen will make my body adapt to more of a female body. Fat moves around, I will loose muscle mass and strenght etc. I havn't felt this good in myself in my whole life and i'm loving it.

[mehuggy]

The Ying and Yang

The last few days have been hard on me been feeling really good about myself then feeling really bad about myself bawling my eyes out. The Ying and Yang of gender euphoria and dysphoria, feeling really good about myself as a female then that male side rears up on me.

Of late it has been my hair or the lack of it, something I can't fix. I can do a temp fix like wearing a wig been looking for a better wig but that comes back to spending more money than I can at the moment.

Yet another thing of late is I've been wanting to start on HRT but here on UK it's either you pay to do it privately or you wait at least 17 years before the NHS clinic to see you for the first appointment. Again costing me a bit more from what I can afford.

My life sucks at the moment.

[mehuggy]

I have had a good day soo good I'm too happy and can't get to sleep. I have been smiling so much today and giggling , I really need to get asleep.

[mehuggy]

Look I smile

After a week of hating myself, dam you gender dysphoria. I'm feeling much better with myself.

[mehuggy]

Rip It Out

This is about the dysphoria I have about my hair..

Yet another day I just want to rip my hair out, I hate it thinning, balding and going grey. Medication isn't helping to grow my hair back, it refuses to grow long but just gets curlier. With nothing much on top and hair bulging out on the sides. I hate it, spent most of the morning crying over it.

What's worse, I don't have the money to fix it. I'm going to need  ten grand plus to get a hair transplant to sort it out. So at the moment its never going to get fixed and cause me more dysphoria. I could transition but my fucking hair would be limiting me, having to wear a wig all the time to look remotely female, maybe  I shouldn’t transition and stay as a male…..

No, that's not an option. Keep looking at hair styles online and would love a pixie cut but that ain't going to happen due to the lack of hair on top. Maybe I should just save it all off and own it.

And then

I was looking forward to getting my haircut but then got a message from the hair dressers that they had to close due to a powercut and that sent me crying again. So now I'm getting it cut tomorrow.

An update

Now put on a wig and feel much better and confident in myself now. It’s strange how looks can affect you never really understood until recently.

[mehuggy]

The Ying and Yang

The more i'm me Leanna the more I hate it when I see me as Chris which is weird as i have never had this dysphoria before. The euphoria of being Leanna is getting addictive I just feel at home and comfy. Then when it's over the dysphoria hits that's the part i hate.

This weekend was the first time I have been myself in public when I went to a birthday. It felt so good, for the first I didn't feel the usual angst and dread when I have to be social. The more and more of me wants to go all in now.

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Today something happened, all I can say is fuck yeah I want this. I'm so giddy right now on a high of euphoria.

[mehuggy]

The Highs and The Lows

You can look great one day and feel fantastic and others you feel fat and crap hating yourself.

The last few days I have been feeling bad, been eating bad, not doing enough exercise and been low on energy thanks to MS. Can't stand to see myself in a mirror or gaze down on to myself.

Wether it is my MS or dysphoria,more likely both, I hate it. So going from a high earlier in the week to the lows today is somewhat we have to live with and can make transgender mental health such a problem.

[mehuggy]

Progress, that feeling of being the real me is addictive.

[mehuggy]

Feeling like me

Rocking out to TWICE, in my own home as me for once and enjoying it.

I'm so happy right now.

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After a long week of work that almost killed me, f':;' MS we have a finished kitchen, living room and bedroom. Now hopefully moving in very soon.

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For the first time in a long time I've been able to lie down on my own floor. That feeling of bliss

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Nothing is impossible it's a matter of how hard you want to try.

Things are stacked against me with moving house my finances have taken a hit. Making funding transitioning harder.

Next is my hair, try growing it long and it just curls up. I actually like it short been looking at haircuts and would love a pixel cut. But again bald and thining on top. Trying a few things to rectify this but if that doesn't work then it gets expensive with hair transplants which will be expensive.

Like I said it's going to be hard but worth it in the end.

[mehuggy]

I just want to rip my hair out

My hair I hate it, balding on top and it doesn't grow long instead it grows curly and looks a mess with loads of hair on the sided and not much on the top. Went to get it cut and now i'm crying and just hate my hair, maybe I should just shave it all off and go bald.