MeInLux

An Italian girl in Luxembourg

[myjetpack]

for @newscientist https://www.instagram.com/p/BwR_MJkg8oj/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1c1dsg9kk0a4i

[meinlux]

soooo true!

[sarahseeandersen]

[meinlux]

spot on

[meinlux]

I guess I am depressed?

I was crying while driving at work today, rehearsing in my head the discussion I will certainly have with my boss about taking one week off next month.

The more I thought about it, the worse it got, now apart from feeling bad mentally I also feel it in my stomach, in my muscles...this job I never wanted and never enjoyed cannot continue like this much longer.

I don’t think it would make sense for me to cope with it another 2 years (provided that I pass the yearly revision in November, which is not granted). Why would anyone choose to be miserable (at times, like today), not motivated (quite often), and doubting one’s value (ALL THE TIME)?

But then, you are grateful for the people you met, for living by yourself, for the salary, for the flexible hours.. and everything gets complicated.

[meinlux]

Why is everyone telling me that I am supposed to manage my time in a particular way because <<you are a PhD student>>??? I really hate this. Also, I don’t like my job.

[meinlux]

This is going to be THE year for traveling! I have started off in Japan, been in Dresden, Rome, Paris, The Hague, Lisbon and many other small cities around here.. Before the end of the year will be Argentina and India! I feel so blessed!

[foofighters]

[meinlux]

Genius

[meinlux]

A group of 5 friends from Italy came to visit, and we went to Bruxelles. It was my first time there, we were lucky enough to get one sunny day, and I really enjoyed the long weekend! I was really missing these guys, we have known each other for more than 10 years, visited so many places together.. I think traveling with them is really the nicest thing, makes me feel home!

[meinlux]

I was in Metz today with some friends and the weather was the worst ever. We stayed some 5 hours, had an awesome lunch and came back. Strange thing is, it was exactly what I needed.. A bit of time off, not too much in order to not feel guilty, without too much "touristing", just to feel good at the end of a weekend day! Interesting fact: when the waiter asked where we were from, I immediately answered Luxembourg.. Not just because it was the easiest answer, it was also the most natural thing to say for me.

[meinlux]

I feel I am changing, I don't know who I am becoming yet.. I used to be a good listener, but now I don't ask questions anymore, because I am always too scared to make people uncomfortable or force them to go into conversations they don't want to have. I am speaking much more these days, especially in other languages. I don't care about much, I can understand/justify almost all possible behaviors.. I never have a clear reaction to anything, there are always so many nuances in my feelings, it is extenuating! All I do seem to be work, everything else is intense but the sensations fade quickly, I am living in a bubble.

[meinlux]

Almost one year has passed since I arrived in Luxembourg, snow is back in the city, as when I arrived, and I can happily say everything has changed and life is so much better! Snow storm, I don’t fear you, life is good these days!

[phdistracted]

PhDescribes my day perfectly

[meinlux]

I am lost. I am not getting much done at work. I know I should really work more, stop jumping from one thing to the other, and finally face the problems I don't know how to solve yet. I feel all the time as I should be working, that I don't deserve and I can't afford any time off. But at the same time, I don't have enough passion for what I am doing to actually work all the time. I am not motivated enough. I still think I don't want my life ruined because of a PhD, and working more for me would mean that...but I see others, they are passionate, they are willing to work on weekends, because they love what they are doing, and the more they work, the more results they get of course, so the happier. They are in a positive circle of work-results-satisfaction. I am in a negative circle of bad work-no clear results-I don't care so much-but my boss does-I should be working. Why am I into this in the first place?

[meinlux]

Been there, done that

My little sister is living in Japan since the beginning of September and she is really struggling to find her place and people

My friend Joao is back to Brazil after 10 months in Luxembourg and he wrote me that he doesn’t belong there anymore

A new girl came to work on a project with me, and she  is asking the same things I was also asking to myself when I started, having the same ideas and doubts

I fell like I could help them, guide and advice them, but it the end, until you don’t deal with them yourself, you cannot really get over your struggles.

[meinlux]

Rant

Winter already arrived to Luxembourg and it made me moony and grumpy and unsatisfied with my life, and angry because I should really not be complaining, things are not going any bad at the moment!

I hate gloomy rainy winters!

[meinlux]

Back in Luxembourg as a PhD student...the city welcomes me with Schueberfouer!

[meinlux]

Now comes that strange time when you feel like you don't belong to your original place, or at least to some groups of people, but still you have not found your people in your new place yet.. I feel like a "fish out of water", as I would say in italian, and while for some groups it is no big loss, for others I will be really depressed when it happens. It is so difficult to keep up with what happens at home, especially when you feel like you are in a vortex and things are happening to you at the speed of light. Realizing for people home something like that can be happening too is difficult, staying connected and care enough to keep track of things they say, ask updates, go beyond what I learn from whatsapp group conversations...it is energy consuming, and sometimes just not natural.

[meinlux]

Today I saw air-balloons for the first time in my life, I was jumping around in excitement as a kid! I also had a conversation in French and understood 50% of it; visited Colmar; got back home driving some 700km