Pix

[melady-libra]

Their is nothing better then having the people you love humble you

I’m forever thankful to my father for being the first person to be honest with me. My father kept me grounded from a young age, reminding me that I am not smart, that any intelligence I have truly is just faked, it’ll disappear as quickly as it came. I am lazy, there is nothing that is worth my time and when given the oppertunity I will give up always. I am a MESS truly, not a thing in my life has order, I am not meant to keep anything together, I am not meant to bring calm to a space or any peace, the only thing I can offer to someone who cohabitates with me is to make their life worse. My father used to always tell me that one day my significant other was going to hate me bc of this fact, and he was 110% correct. I think about everyday how I should’ve listened to him more, the idea I had when I was younger that anyone would find this trait of mine charming or that I’d somehow grow out of it was naive and as per-usual ignorant. I am brimming with ignorance.

I am not talented, it takes me hours of work to make anything that looks good and in that process I piss off or inconvenience everyone around me. Let’s be so for real, I have no potential to make anything out of myself besides being a good server, serving is easy, all I have to do is say yes. I find that harder in my day to day, idk why cause truly that’s the only skill. However I also have a consistent narrative that somehow I can “create my own reality” “more drive more effort and it’ll work out” blind naievety, another example of blatant ignorance.

I do not want to do art anymore anyways, I rarely find joy in it anymore it’s just something to fill time to feel productive, maybe that’s always what it’s been; maybe while I was trying to focus on fleats of fancy I should’ve been learning to cook, to keep a house better, to be better.

Dad always said I’d never be an artist, he hasn’t been wrong yet, why am I trying to prove the only person who’s ever been honest with me wrong. I should be more gracious to him, ultimately no one knows my particular brand of awful quite like him.

He’s not usually right about life but he’s never been wrong about me, my dad has had me pegged for years, ultimately that’s why he doesn’t care for me, he’s the only one who sees me. I don’t blame him, when I’m being honest I don’t care for me either and EVERYTHING he’s ever said about me is true.

From the reasons people want me around, to my potential, he’s never been wrong, never sugar coated and never lied. No one knows better than my father.

Especially not me.

[melady-libra]

Resigning to the fact that your husband will treat and talk to you the same as your father did

Just like after hours of labor and trying to tech him right from wrong; your son will one day do the same, bc from what he’s seen it doesn’t matter at all what you say. The men in your world are entitled to everything you have to give. They do not owe you kindness, they do not owe you respect, and if we’re being honest, it’s laughable to them to think of treating you any better then a stranger on the street, you do not deserve curtousy. The min you told him you were his in anyway you cease to exsist for yourself. You have no needs, you have no wants, they are unnecessary anyways and get in the way of your job, he need something from you please stop pretending y you have a right to speak bc truly darling get it through your thick skull no one gives a fuck about you they give a fuck about what you do for them.

[melady-libra]

I’m drowning in life, when my body washes up don’t be surprised just let me finally rest me the wave

[melady-libra]

I haven’t felt more alone then I do at this point in my life. I feel truly latley like I’m on everyone else’s team trying to help them achieve and sucseed and I’m on a team of 1 all by myself. The only one not rooting on my downfall is me. Everyone else is only around for the transaction of what they can get out of me.

[melady-libra]

Men disgust me, and women disgust you, this seems like a match made in Heaven but lately it’s feeling more like a loveless Lavender marriage . I used to think I was the acception to that rule, but we’re both scratching eachother to shit, is their any luster left or have we damaged ourselves dull

[melady-libra]

I don’t trust a word you say lately….

[melady-libra]

I wanna be celebrated for doing house wife shit instead of degraded for it. Like how the fuck your got ur woman at home cleaning, and taking care of family members and working that’s all she do and ur really mad like ur life is hard the fuck? I’d get more appreciation as a single hoe 😂😂

Literally wake up to do shit just to make up happy and end up alone in my room again feelin like an idiot. And then we’re surprised that I let the house go for months on end… it gets me nowhere to give a shit.

I could spend all day cleaning, take care of dirty laundry first day. Make the house the only priority all day and I’ll still end up in my bedroom crying so why bother?

Anytime help is offered it feels like a trap, that shit will get thrown back in my face I’m good I don’t need shit I don’t need a attention, I don’t want affection.

I just need these four walls; the only things that have ever had my back anyways, the only ones who don’t comfort me just to speak bad on my name. the only security I’ve ever known has 4 walls a light and a window and it’s truly the only place I consider a home.

This bedrooms knows more of me then any person ever will, and this bedroom hold me closer and safer then any person ever has.

4 walls have kept me cacooned better then my mothers womb, fuck 9 months we’re working off a 24 year gestation and I still don’t wanna come out.

[melady-libra]

The whore in my heart is yearning to be fed again

….

She’ll never satiate, lock her away in a cage, hope she keeps quiet for at least another decade

[melady-libra]

Lllmmmmaaaooo rember when u were an art kid?

Rember when u had the answer to everything?

Rember when u thought you’d get out this town

And look at you now?

She’s got you dressed up as your dad

Took on his job living his life

The only evidence of what was

Is a picture of you and jimmy you had to probably sneak in the night

What a waist

[melady-libra]

I need a change of life.. I’m feeling exhausted exhausting

It’s time for something new

Somewhere new

I wanna redo

[melady-libra]

I miss when I could write silly little poems about the blonde I loved or my country girl and her truck

.. this memories run cold, hollowed of their warm glow

That’s what happens when you removed the wool, it’s hard to go back to rose colored life once’s you’ve seen colors besides red. When you’ve fucked up my head

Between the two I won’t look for a third … no point in walking ourselves into hurt. My idea of the world was naive and nothing short of weird.

[melady-libra]

What’s wild is to realize you still got messages on read from me from years later… I’ve always been trivial to you

[melady-libra]

Wake up, clockin, go home, go to sleep

Wake up, clockin, go home, go to sleep

Wake up, smoke ,clockin, go home, go to sleep

Wake up, clockin, go home, go to sleep

Wake up, clockin, go home, go to sleep

Wake up, smoke ,clockin, get screamed at, go home, go to sleep

Wake up, clockin, go home, go to sleep

Wake up, clockin, go home, go to sleep

Wake up, smoke ,clockin, get screamed at, cry, go home, go to sleep

Wake up, clockin, go home, go to sleep

Wake up, clockin, go home, go to sleep

[melady-libra]

Can I please crash out, I’m 10 years overdue fr a SOLID self destructive crash out and I need it soo much

[melady-libra]

I genuinely am starting to hate, I only have hated one person before but after a few years of fucking with me I’m done with everyone and I’ll burn the world around to remind every person of the shit I’d do not to fucking be like the rest of you

[melady-libra]

From the bottom of my heart I hope to never deal with you again, you wanna ghost me bc I dare speak to him? Bc I sat in a room and defended you? Your still friends with someone who would’ve sold me for drugs… and you feel your in the right? Narcissistic doesn’t being to describe it.

[melady-libra]

To be honest fuck you!

You knew he hit me too we were abused friends through and through and u didn’t give a shit expcept when it happened to you