Melancholy Dolly

Life, Love, Loss. Truth, Time, Trials. Uncertain, Unbiased, Unfiltered.

[melancholy-dolly-2023]

I put in my 2 weeks notice.

I'm done, I'm out!

I can't believe all the bullshit is finally going to be over.

I can't fucking wait!!!! ♥️😆

[melancholy-dolly-2023]

💕

Lots of words were said that night.

& those words evolved into a fight.

A fight that soon created a storm.

Growing out of control, taking a new form.

So many things we said, we didn't mean at all.

The damage has been done, & I watch you build your wall.

Doing your best to shut me out.

Going a different way, a different route.

I am no longer on your map.

To you, I'm nothing but a trap.

I'm no longer your destination.

To you, my question is an interrogation.

All the blame & the hurt has been shifted to me.

& I will take it all, willingly.

I don't care if it's wrong, or even misplaced.

I just want you to smile, when you see my face.

I don't want you to leave home without a "goodbye".

I just want the truth, not just another lie.

I don't want to lose the love of my life.

I thought you were my husband?

I thought I was your wife?

This time we may not heal.

Your indifference & contempt, may be too real.

Maybe it's already over, & I don't even know...

... maybe I'm too blind to let it go...

...too invested to just say "no"...

A life without you, isn't worth living at all.

Without you next to me, I would surely fall.

No other pain would even matter,

but losing you, my heart would simply shatter.

[melancholy-dolly-2023]

Another stupid outlet poem.

By:me

I'm the odd duck,

The "weirdo" in the room.

I give a flying fuck,

It's my impending doom.

I'm the girl you insult,

the hurtful words you say...

You think it's my fault,

You think I want to be this way?

What you hate about me,

I promise I hate more.

No one can see,

How it hurts to the core.

Excluded from the group,

Talked over every time.

Out of the loop,

& Just pretending I'm fine.

I'm not okay,

& People are cruel.

In every way & everyday,

There is no golden rule.

I'm the lonely outcast,

Never first, always last.

I'm the misfit in the crowd.

No notice of my cries for

HELP, No matter how loud.

[melancholy-dolly-2023]

You don't care how your words hurt.

You don't care that you treat me like dirt.

You don't care about the words I say.

You don't care to hear about my day.

You just think you're always right,

& I'm wrong.

You always win the fight,

Because I'm not as strong.

You push & pull,

I don't understand why you're so cruel.

[melancholy-dolly-2023]

Follow up

. . . Following up from Dr. Appointment. . .

Oh wait, my Dr. Canceled my appointment at the last minute!

No call, just an email saying sorry they had to cancel.

Now if I'd done that to them, I would be charged for the late notice.

Not to mention the fact that I took off work for this shit. Didn't bother rescheduling. I had to make another appointment.

And don't think for a second I rescheduled at the same place with the same Dr.

No shot. The medical field just doesn't give a flying fuck these days.

[melancholy-dolly-2023]

I'm going to the Dr. In the morning...

I'm scared. I'm worried something is wrong. I found a lump in my breast a while ago, but didn't have the money or make the time to go earlier.

Maybe I have been putting it off because I'm afraid of what the Dr. may tell me...

Maybe I don't want to come to terms with the fact that something really could be really wrong with me.

But I've finally made an appointment for a breast exam and I'm just really hoping everything turns out benign.

... I'm just really scared, and I wish I didn't feel so alone going into all this.

[melancholy-dolly-2023]

I'm sick & tired of people treating each like absolute shit.

Tired of try he government & everyone grabbing at every penny you make.

Sick of all the injustice in the justice system.

Sick of racism and hateful people attacking anyone who doesn't share the same beliefs as them.

Tired of everything being so difficult when it should be so simple.

Tired of being treated like I'm nothing. Tired of letting people walk all over me all the time.

Tired of nothing and no one being good enough for anyone.

[melancholy-dolly-2023]

Do you ever get so depressed that it's frightening to yourself? I get so numb, physically & mentally.

I don't know what to do...

[melancholy-dolly-2023]

I know people talk badly about me at work, but I don't know why. I basically try to keep to myself. I don't chit chat very much, I don't like small talk, & I always have a lot of work to do, so I like to stay focused on my work. But I guess I seem like a bitch or something because I don't float around the store like a happy AF fairy talking to everyone and throwing glitter everywhere. If people actually knew me outside of work they would see that I'm not a stuck up B. I'm the exact opposite. I'm goofy and nerdy and tell really bad dad jokes. I'm clumsy and I'm the last person to judge anyone because I don't overthink what someone is doing or what they look like...I only do that to myself. I constantly hear gossip that gets back to me about myself, all these mean negative things that just aren't true at all. It hurts to know people can be such bullies and judgmental. And it seems like no matter where you go to work, these horrible people find you and make you feel bad about yourself. I just don't understand why this happens. :(

[melancholy-dolly-2023]

I just spent the entire day at work thinking it was Wednesday. . .

It's after 9pm. . .

How?. . .

[melancholy-dolly-2023]

No one actually cares.

You try to speak & someone constantly interrupts you, or ignores you, or walks away when you try to say something.

The words you say mean nothing to anyone around you. It's as if you said nothing at all. No one cares what you have to say. eventually your own words mean nothing to yourself.

People diminish your words, your thoughts, your actions, until you develop no self worth at all. People's hurtful actions translate into hurtful words inside your head, and the progression is so small over time that you don't even realize you're changing.

You'll eventually wake up every morning and nothing but stress, anxiety and low self-esteem are there to greet you, day after day after day.

You look in the mirror and all you see is what's wrong with you. All you see are the flaws about yourself that everyone has pointed out about you over the years of your life. All you see is a pathetic person who's not pretty enough, not smart enough, not brave enough, not happy enough, not young enough, not funny enough, not interesting enough. You're someone without a voice, because no one wants to listen, because no one cares what you have to say, because you're not important enough to matter.

& if you were gone tomorrow, no one would be effected or care, but they love to pretend as if they care. And they will continue to say hurtful things about you, because now you can't defend yourself. They will continue to interrupt others and point out flaws to make people feel bad about something they can't change. They will continue to be oblivious to anyone else's life, pain, struggles, kindness, etc. Because they have no idea what empathy means.

It's a Vacuous world and no one cares about anyone. We all just try to destroy each other & only focus on ourselves.

[melancholy-dolly-2023]

Bonjour 2023,

I can't say I have high hopes or immense expectations.

The only thing that seems to massively change year after year is my ability to age, and in turn show the physical evidence of such. I am both grateful, and disappointed for this. Grateful to still be here, but disappointed that ageing is not my forte.

I am 35 years old. I don't have much to show for myself. I watch all these people around me being given opportunities I never had. For some people life is an exciting journey full of hope, support, love.

For others it's an endless battle to talk yourself out of bed every morning. It's a constant fight to try to catch up with everyone else because you're forgotten, unseen, unherd and misunderstood.

A misfit amongst everyone, even other misfits.

I can't help but wonder what it must be like to live someone else's life. . .

What would it be like to have enough money to pay the bills without worry. To be able to afford going to the dentist so you can fix your teeth that cause you constant pain.

I wonder what it's like to be pretty. To be noticed, not dismissed... because you don't meet the idealistic visual standards.

I wonder what it would be like to be liked.

To be ignorant to what it felt like to be bullied in school.

Or to just have people want to be around you and not judge you because you're shy...but people perceive that as being stuck up or bitchy. When it's the complete opposite.

What must it feel like to be given everything you could possibly need to advance and succeed in life. I can't even imagine it fully. Those who are given these opportunities will never understand how lucky they are.

They will never understand any real sort of struggle in life.

Similar to the fact that I will never understand fully the struggle that someone else goes through who has it worse than me, or even less opportunities than I did growing up. But I would be aware, and if I had the capability to change it all somehow, I would...

But here I am, powerless to my surroundings and under the foot of government greed.

It's all so very pointless and hopeless when you think about it all.

. . . shit . . .