Mel Reviews

A place to track my thinks and dos.

[melreviews]

Mel Sees: Maleficent

Or, “Mel’s favorite villain ruined in 98 minutes”

I am a Disney fan, always have been, always will be. I live for the animated films, the classics; don’t care much for the live action stuff (save for Mary Poppins). Not only am I a Disney fan, I’m a Sleeping Beauty fan. Of all the Disney films with a princess, this one is my favorite. I’m talking about hand drawn, classic princess based movies. The animation in Sleeping Beauty is so beautifully gothic and sharp. There’s only one memorable song in it, but you don’t even notice that it’s the only song in the film because it’s so enchanting. What I love most about Sleeping Beauty is how dark it is, especially for Disney. Which brings me to my favorite part, the villain who sends your spine chillin, Maleficent. What a woman. She’s so damn evil just for the sake of being evil. She’s sly, she has sexy horns, she speaks like a slowed down Katharine Hepburn, her robes look like flames, her fucking face is green, she has an army of gargoyles, and she CURSED A NEWBORN BABY. This bitch is crazy and I love it. Disney created this “evil-doing” magical lunatic in 1959, only to destroy her in the 2014 adaptation “Maleficent”.

I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s start with the good because that won’t take long. The costumes were great. Good job there. Angelina Jolie was creepy and hot, she got the evil smile right, and the voice was pretty close to being perfect. Most of the CGI was seamless. I say “most” because I really hate it when these cartoony characters are created for CGI and they look so phony, like they don’t belong in a natural, real world. Might as well have just hand drawn them and pasted them on top of the film. The dragon though, was cool. That’s it for the good.

Now the bad. If you were hoping to see an animated classic that you grew up with brought to life, save your memories and money; just stay at home and watch the Sleeping Beauty VHS or DVD. They changed the story SO MUCH that they might as well have just written a whole new script. It’s like they had half of an original movie but were like “hmmm I’m too lazy to fill in these holes, so I’m going to just use SOME plot points from this classic to finish up.” I understand this movie is supposed to be about Maleficent and how she came to be, bla bla bla, but that does not excuse changing what I and many Disney fans consider to be FACTS. It’s like forgetting what you need to buy at the grocery store, and instead of checking your list that you wrote yourself and is on the fridge, you walk out the door and decide to wing it. Know what happens when you wing it? You bring home a leaf blower instead of milk BECAUSE THIS MOVIE FUCKING BLOWS.

I have a lot of questions I’d like to yell at the writers:

-Where the crap was “Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather”?! Who the shit are Twinkletoes, Twirlytits and Tweetybird (not real name but close).

-Why is Maleficent secretly raising Aurora? THAT DIDNT HAPPEN. In the original, Horns doesn’t know where Aurora is being hidden; she sends her gargoyles and raven to search for her, for 16 years, leading to her wonderful line, delivered with such disgust and hysteria “A CRADLE?! All this time you were looking for a BABY?” FORGET ABOUT THAT PLOT POINT ENTIRELY, it’s erased.

-how come Maleficent doesn’t turn into a dragon? You know, that iconic scene in the original? Why does she change her bird into a dragon instead? EXPLAIN YOURSELVES.

-iron burns fairies, fine. If Mally can turn her bird into a dragon while being trapped under an iron net, why the crap couldn’t she have just freed herself by flicking her wrist and saying some magic words?

-so you locked all the spindles up INSIDE the castle, where your cursed daughter lives, instead of, oh I don’t know, not keeping them there?! Also if you burned them all, as you said you did, why were they still all intact, and why was that room still smoking 16 years later? Why was this such a majorly failed plot point?

-was Prince Phillip’s sole purpose in this movie to enter scenes with a toothy grin on his face?

-was that iron thorn death trap hallway always in the castle? Cuz Maleficent walked through the front door which means everyone had to enter that way.

-how come Aurora wants “to eat berries and black nuts”? Are black nuts larger than normal nuts?

Most important question: WHY does Maleficent need to be redeemed? Disney, it upsets me to say this, but you royally fucked up here. If you wanted to create a new tale, a tale of a powerful fairy who loses her wings because of man’s greed and then seeks vengeance, and accidentally befriends the man’s daughter, discovering that it’s love that she truly wants, the love a mother gives and takes. If you wanted to make THAT movie, Disney, then go right ahead, but leave Sleeping Beauty/Maleficent out of it. Don’t change major plot points of a beloved tale and say “it’s not quite the story you remember”. It’s like if Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was green and scaly because it’s not a lamb, it’s a lizard. THAT is what you did with this movie.

VERDICT: 1/5 I had low expectations, and they were met. It gets a ONE for costumes and Angelina Jolie’s scene with the baby Aurora. It’s a shame that Disney created such a menacing villain because they can’t do anything with her in their PG rated world. “Maleficent” should have been a dark, violent movie about a wronged sorceress’ quest for vengeance, not a movie that erases the wicked, cruel, purely evil spirit of a classic villain. This movie was just unnecessary and insulting.

[melreviews]

Mel Sees: Rust and Bone

or "de rouille et d'os"

This movie, guys. I cannot believe that this movie was not at least nominated for an Academy Award. This absolutely stunning film, written & directed by Jacques Audiard, tells the story of Stephanie, a killer whale trainer played by the infallible Marion Cotillard, and her relationship with Alain, beautifully played by Matthias Schoenaerts, a street fighter with a 5 year old son. It’s gritty, sad, defeating, yet uplifting and fills you with hope. In short, Stephanie suffers from a devastating accident and turns to her new friend Alain in her time of need. Alain meanwhile struggles to provide for his young son and reconnects with his sister who he hasn’t seen in years. Their individual stories leave you emotionally compromised, but the strength they gain from each other, and then find in themselves, is just simply beautiful.

I proceed from here with a SPOILERS ALERT warning. I just really need to share the parallels I found throughout the movie to better express the brilliance of Audiard’s script. If you want to discover this film for yourself, you may skip to my verdict at the end of this review.

First, I’ll fill in some plot details.  Alain attempts to turn his life around by moving in with his sister in order to better provide for his son. He gets a job as a club bouncer where he meets a beaten Stephanie, and drives her home. He leaves his phone number in case she needs him for anything. You see that Stephanie is a sad shell of a woman whose only fulfillment comes from her job as a killer whale trainer. Unfortunately the joy you get from watching her during the killer whale show that is set to Katy Perry’s “Firework” is shattered and turned into complete despair as a horrific accident causes Stephanie to lose both of her legs. The only person she makes contact with after her accident is Alain, who has a new job as an overnight security guard. You get the impression that Alain doesn’t really commit to anything (jobs, women), but he is continuously there for Stephanie. He takes her to the beach, which seems inconsiderate at first, and while she watches him swim in the ocean, her need to be in the water outweighs her embarrassment/depression of losing her legs. More time passes, Alain becomes a street fighter, and Stephanie gets prosthetic legs. While they both have issues to work out on their own, their friendship blossoms into a support system. They rely on each other, trust each other, and in the end they love each other.

The Acting: Marion Cotillard’s performance is earth shattering, even just the expression in her eyes draws you into her character, and you somehow relate to her even in such an extreme situation. I’m infuriated that she was not even nominated for an Oscar, and not to take anything away from Jennifer Lawrence (Silver Linings Playbook), Cotillard was robbed. Matthias Schoenaerts plays the perfect balance of “you shouldn’t care about this lowlife” and “underdog”. You should despise him, but you root for him, even after he throws his adorable son across the living room. You can see that he’s trying to be a good father, even when he makes terrible choices.

The Parallels: The loss of a limb not only stunts Stephanie physically, preventing her from doing normal, daily tasks, but also emotionally. She went from dancing in clubs for attention, dressing like “a slut”, and having hundreds of people watching her perform at her job, to being a recluse in her home, not wanting to wear dresses, and hiding her face with sunglasses when in public. The one thing she loved, her killer whales, was the reason behind her demise. This creature that she trusted and made her happy took away part of herself, literally and metaphorically.

Furthermore, when Alain & Stephanie first meet he is a bodyguard, but throughout the course of the movie you see that he is actually HER bodyguard. He carries her and cares for her. Soon enough, Stephanie wants to be SEEN by him. Alain is her audience now. The relationship they form is beautiful. He frees her from any limitation she has placed on herself. When he swam in the ocean, she followed him. Later that day you see her dancing again in her apartment, like this giant weight has been lifted off her shoulders. Later in the movie, they sleep together, and the next day she goes back to Marineland to visit her whales. Conversely, during a rather defeating street fight, when you think Alain is about to get the shit kicked out of him, he looks to the car Stephanie is sitting in, she gets out, and all he can see is her prosthetic legs walking towards him, and he just starts swinging and wins his fight. Towards the end of the movie, a freak accident traps his son under a frozen lake, and Alain just starts punching the ice to get his son out. A man who needs his hands to fight, to make money, saves his son instead, and a phone call from Stephanie reveals that he loves her. His character has changed, and while he is still a work in progress, his commitment to his family and those he loves is due to Stephanie.

Aforementioned, the killer whale show that Stephanie loses her legs to was set to Katy Perry’s “Firework.” There’s a beautiful moment when Stephanie is sitting on her patio, and she starts doing her whale training signals while “Firework” plays in the background. And the music gets louder, and your heart grows three sizes, and the next day she’s back at the aquarium, taps her hand against the tank, and her killer whale swims up to her. And then, if you’re anything like me, you just bawl your eyes out. This song that should haunt her actually gives her the strength to carry on. Once upon a time I loathed this song, but now…

Verdict: 5/5. I really cannot find a flaw in this movie. And although you may not want to watch it over and over because of your feels and the heavy subject matter, I hope that those of you who decide to watch this piece of art can see the beauty in the written script, the filmmaking, and the actors.

Ps. the movie is in French with English subtitles. So you need to be awake & ready to feel to watch this film.

[melreviews]

Mel Sees: Man of Steel

More like Buns of Steel… AMIRIGHT?! (yes)

Let me preface this by saying I didn’t not like the movie. Also, I’m not a Superman aficionado. Sure, I know the story but I haven’t seen any other Superman movies. I HAVE seen the tv show with Dean Cain & Terri Hatcher, which, by the way, WHAT THE EFF MOM?! I was 5! Why was I allowed to watch that? And although I never watched “Smallville” it was filmed in my hometown so that counts for something, right? (no).

Also, I guess this will be filled with ***SPOILERS*** but I honestly don’t know how anything in this movie can be spoiled. So I’ll try to be general but I mean, use your brain. He’s a hero who literally cannot be killed. (blah blah blah kryptonite).

Short synopsis: Russell Crowe is Jor-El, father of Kal-El or, as we know him, Superman. A planet explodes, Kal is sent to Earth to be raised by Kevin Costner & Diane “cougar” Lane. Kal is named Clark Kent & grows up to be Henry “holy thighs” Cavill; does strong things. 30 years later meets Amy Adams/Lois Lane who uncovers who he is. Bad guy Michael Shannon/General Zod comes looking for Holy Thighs. An entire metropolitan city is leveled with apparently zero consequence. Clark Kent puts on his glasses.

So yes, “Man of Steel” is an enjoyable film. It wasn’t corny, although there was some cliché dialogue. The movie is long, guys. Instead of cutting some expendable scenes at the beginning of the film, director Zack Snyder took too long developing the plot and just tacked on the minutes at the end with waaay too many building smashes. What lacks in the first half is overcompensated for in the second half; there needed to be more balance. There is TONS of action, some may argue to a fault, because GOD FORBID they miss a single building in a fight sequence. Don’t worry, anything made out of concrete and/or glass was destroyed. Furthermore, as pretentious as this may sound, I had an issue with the cinematography. Scene transitions were off; the use of flashbacks lacked in meaning 80% of the time. I understand using flashbacks as a way to communicate Clark’s moral growth, but I don’t need 2 hours of “here’s another example of Clark being strong and not fitting in” before anything actually HAPPENS in the movie. Additionally, I never really felt that as an adult/Superman that Clark was being ostracized. One jerk boss said something rude, and a drunk guy taunted him at a bar, both instances that would have literally happened to anyone. They had nothing to do with him being Superman. AND when he does finally reveal himself to the world, no one bats an eyelash. The army MAYBE is a little perplexed/stupid but it wasn’t enough for me to believe this was ever a hard decision for Clark to be like “hey, I can fly & shoot lasers from my eyes.” So, I was kinda disappointed on an emotional level. Costner & Cavill each had moments where they tugged at my heart strings, but that was purely based on the way they delivered their lines. So good for them for making the best of it.

Time for bullet points: -Russell Crowe didn’t annoy me! HUZZAH! -Kal-El’s mom… ARE YOU SAD THAT YOU’RE SENDING YOUR NEWBORN SON AWAY? AND THAT YOUR PLANET IS GOING TO EXPLODE? AND THAT YOU’RE GONNA DIE? AND THAT YOUR SON IS KINDA A BIG FUCKING DEAL CUZ HE WAS BORN NATURALLY? NO? ok then you nailed it. -I guess 30 years went by cuz Michael Shannon grew a jazz goatee. -Henry Cavill’s everything -Kevin Costner, stop breaking my heart -It’s been 20 minutes since I’ve last seen a shot of Superman’s foot with his cape waving dutifully while a horns section empowers me to be more than I can be… oh wait there it is. -I’m not complaining, but I guess wardrobe couldn’t find Cavill a shirt large enough to fit all his guns in. Who needs the top 3 buttons anyways? -Diane Lane, stop being hot -are you telling me that even aliens couldn’t invent a more convenient data transfer device than a USB? -oh look they’re both flying! this monotonous fight sequence might get interesting oh nope, they just need to destroy the TOPS of buildings too. -Michael Shannon, star of your nightmares since now. -every space ship can just fit inside another space ship. Krypton spaceships are the Russian matryoshka dolls of spaceships. -hey, military, I don’t think your bullets are doing anything. oh you wanna keep shooting for another 30 minutes? ok cool. I’ve only been in this theatre for 2 hours. -best line of the movie: “this isn’t suppose to happen. it’s suppose to go in all the way” That, my friends, is what she said. -fave part of the movie: At the end, Clark Kent suiting up in his office suit & glasses rather than his cape. Nice touch.

Verdict: 3/5 Everyone showed up and gave great performances (minus Kal’s mom), just wished the movie was cut together as well as the trailer. Maybe my expectations were too high, but I mean that trailer is stellar so it ain’t my fault that I was misled. On a positive note, the movie didn’t feel long. Even though I glanced at my watch and was surprised that 2 hours had passed & the climax wasn’t even in sight, it sure didn’t feel that way.

ps. Henry Cavill is so attractive that my body just gave up. I actually couldn’t take it anymore. I was a car that overheated on the highway and just sputtered “I’m done.”

[melreviews]

Mel Sees: Gangster Squad

G-G-G-G-G-G-G-UNIT SQUAD!

I'll admit that I don't know anything about Mickey Cohen or the 1940s' LA gang scene. I will also admit to being totally fascinated with Hollywood in the 1940s solely based on the "glamour" of the era. Even the gangs were glamourous. They wore zoot suits, for crying out loud, and they hung out at clubs called Slapsy Maxie's. What's not to love? (besides the violence and corruption)

Directed by Rueben Fleischer (Zombieland), and written by Will Beall ("Castle"), Gangster Squad is a solid film. The movie is based on Paul Lieberman's novel of the same name, and while I do not know how much of it is actually true, I don't really care. Obviously it is glamourized just like the era it takes place in (I think?). And what with the interwebs these days, I'm sure it's easy enough to just Google, but it's really not necessary to enjoy the movie. Parts were predictable, but not eye-roll worthy. Parts were funny, peppered lightly around the violence to give good flow and keep things light. Nothing was cheesy. Nothing was Tarantino violent (save one scene but it's over quickly).

The tone was human, knowwhatimean? Probably not because I just made that up. Let me be more confusing: it was serious, without taking itself too seriously, but with taking itself for what it is. It's not unlike Public Enemies (Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, Marion HOTillard), but it is unlike it. Both are very entertaining war-era gangster movies, but made very differently. The expectation you built in your mind based on the trailers is exactly what you will get; G-Squad is a GOOD movie. Nothing more and yet no less.

What worked -The clothes, the speech, the cars, the music (soundtrack is beautiful); they got the era. -The cast. Everyone was fantastic. Josh Brolin delivered the kickassery. Ryan Gosling was his charming, handsome self but with a different voice. Anthony Mackie doesn't get enough screen time. Emma Stone is divine. God she makes me wish I was a smoker. But not. But I get how easy it was for people to take up smoking back then. SO CLASSY & SEXY. Mireille Enos as Brolin's wife is just adorable and devout and not annoying. Robert Patrick & Giovanni Ribisi were delightfully awesome. And of course Sean Penn is creepy and sinister as hell (and he was good in the movie too, HIYO!). -The weird instagram-esque filter they used that was totally there but also not. Brolin, you're an attractive man. When you reach 50 I'll gladly add you to my "Hot Men in their 50s" list, but I know you got more lines on your face. Was the filter for everyone's skin or to add glamour? I don't know, but I liked it. -Gun fights!!! Ok I know it is a sensitive issue right now. I mean absolutely no disrespect. But THIS is where guns belong: in a heavily stylized movie about the 1940s' gangster scene. Got that, kids?

Didn't work so much: -The very beginning, and the very end. The voice over/narrative if you will. It really didn't need to happen. This movie did not need to be told in Brolin/Sgt O'Meara's point of view. Especially because he does a general, 2 minute voice over at the beginning of the movie, and then the rest of the movie is just a third person POV, until the end when you get a jarring voice over again. Sure, show O'Meara's home life, that's all fine and dandy. I know there needs to be a central character and O'Meara fits the bill, but the voice over wasn't remotely necessary and sort of distracting. If throughout the movie they wanted to go for a classic beat era voice over where O'Meara just narrates everything that's happening, that might have actually worked. But they didn't, and I just felt distanced at the end. "Oh... ya, I guess it was about O'Meara? No it's not." -Nothing was wrong plot-wise. Just a tad predictable. I don't know if that's because 1) I've seen too many movies, 2) it's based on a true story & truth is boring which is why we have fiction, or 3) lazy writing to keep audience happy.

General thoughts, like my actual thoughts while watching the movie: -Dayum, Gosling -this car chase would actually be pretty slow -HOW IS NO ONE GETTING SHOT -it's like Grand Theft Auto, minus the cars being stolen -why is it taking them so long to find their hideout? oh right, no internet. what a dark time. how did they do anything? -like seriously, dayuuum Gosling. -dayum, Stone. -dayum, Brolin? -was that Anthony Mackie as Jackie Robinson in the preview before this movie? (it wasn't, I looked it up after the movie. I'm just racist.) -ya, no, you'd be dead. -"don't bring a knife to a gun fight" unless you're Anthony Mackie. -HOW DID THEY FIND HIM WITHOUT GOOGLE? -god it's a good thing cell phones didn't exist. JUST SKIP TOWN, IDIOTS. by the time anyone knows you're gone, it's like 4 days later.

Verdict: 3/5 Good movie. Not amazing. Not award winning, except maybe in sound editing/mixing. Not bad. I'd definitely recommend seeing it in a theatre because it's fun & exciting. Also because the 40s were the Golden Age of cinema so it's fitting to see it in one.

ps. DAAAYYYUUUUUMMMM GOSLING.

pps. Here's a clip of comedian John Mulaney (SNL writer) doing a bit about gangsters that I had running through my head during the entire movie. Legit. All movie. Just go to 11:55-end.

http://youtu.be/qgfC8QgVfwA

[melreviews]

Golden Globes, according to Mel & Stine

The 70th Golden Globe Awards just happened. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler killed it, and their performances make us question why no one thought of getting them to host sooner. I’m not going to go into detail about the winners. The important thing is that Ben Affleck won. For a full list of winners, search elsewhere. Instead, I took notes on what my viewing partner, Christine, and I said whilst the award show was happening. We laughed, we cheered, we yelled, we asked oursevles “WHY?” too many times to count. Here are the highlights…

WARNING: It is extremely possible that only myself and Christine will find this funny.

5:01 M- “is Daniel Day-Lewis gay? I feel like he would make the coolest gay man.”

Close-up of Jessica Alba M- “uuuuggggghhhhhh” C- “why?!”

Random shot of Daniel Craig & Rachel Weisz M&C in unison- “AAAAWWWW!” while reaching towards the screen

5:09 Close-up of Leonardo DiCaprio during Supporting Actor noms M- “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” C- “I JUST WANT GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO YOU!” *note: we both wanted Christoph Waltz to win, but somehow also Leo

Cut away to this while Christoph Waltz thanks Leo…

M- “NOOOO!” C- gasps M&C- covers faces, cries but pretends to laugh at ourselves so the other person doesn’t see our tears

5:23 Catherine Zeta-Jones starts to sing “Do you hear the people sing?” from Les Miserables… M- “oh shut up.” C- “yeah, right?” M- “wait, we both like her, why are we telling her to shut up?”

Jennifer Lopez & Jason Statham present an award as a way to promote their movie… M- “oh THAT’S going to be a great film.”

5:48 C- “I’m still trying to figure out JLo’s dress.”

5:50 got distracted by tumblr posts about the show we are watching…

picture of Benedict Cumberbatch’s face M-“AH!” C- “he looks better.” M- “yeah, his eyebrows have gotten better.” C covers his mouth “yeah see? it’s his lips this time.”

another picture of Benedict, this time full body shot C- “SEE? he can look good.” M- “yeah, I’d probably marry that personality.”

5:59 M- “wait, why is Bill Clinton there?”

6:01 M- “Tina Fey in drag looks like Johnny Depp”

6:13 Jamie Foxx introducing Django Unchained M-“cut to Leo!” C- “looking heartbreakingly sad!” M- “the day Leo wins something…” C- “I’m going to fall to the ground.”

Anne Hathaway wins Best Supporting Actress, looks surprised M unreasonably angry (because I wanted her to win)- “are you REALLY surprised that you won? you were so ugly in this film, of course you were going to win.”

Cut-away to Eddie Redmayne during Anne’s speech in unison M- “AW YEAH!” C- “OH. GOD.”

6:29 another gratuitous shot of Leonardo M&C-“WHYYYY?!?!” :(

6:36 Amour wins Best Foreign Film “There are a few people I’d like to thank…” M- “oh god, he’s gonna die before he finishes his speech.” C- “He looks like Saruman if he got a haircut.”

Lea Michelle presents an award C- “why are you orange and a rake?”

6:45 Sacha Baron Cohen says the greatest thing anyone has ever said SBC “Russell Crowe had 4 months of singing lessons… money well spent.” M&C “HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA” C- “all the ‘OH SNAPS’ in the world” M- “that was the best thing he’s ever said and will ever say.” C- “For one fleeting second, I enjoyed his presence. Just as quickly as it began, it ended.”

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association succumbs to the hipsters and gives Lena Dunham the award for Best Actress in a TV Comedy. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler come back from commercial break and “fake” harass Dunham while being “drunk”. Good cover… it was all “part of the act”.

M randomly “If I could just stare at Daniel Craig & Rachel Weisz for the rest of my life, I’d be happy” C-“Yup.”

7:02 Robert Downey Jr loses us in his introduction to Jodie Foster receiving the Cecil B Demille award, and just when we think it can’t get more weird…

Jodie Foster’s speech/rant/ravings of a lunatic/almost sentimental moment C- “I feel like she’s unstable…” M-“If you don’t want the public to talk about your private life, THEN STOP DRAWING ATTENTION TO IT.” C-“WHY are people CRYING? She’s CRAZY!” M- “they’re crying because they want her to stop talking.” C- rocking back & forth crying “make her stop. please make her stop.”

BEN AFFLECK WINS BEST DIRECTOR AND WE CHEERED AND THE DOG BARKED. and then our hearts burst… Let's take a moment of silence for the Oscar that will never be

7:25 GIRLS won best Comedy… I have no answer for this.

7:30 Random appearance by Christian Bale C- “where were they hiding THAT? and WHY would you be hiding that?” M- “oh ya! he’s welsh.”

7:32 Hugh Jackman wins Best Actor Musical/Comedy Cut-away to loser Bradley Cooper C- “yeah! CRY like the little bitch that you know you are!” Cut-away to Hugh’s wife M-“why are you with that?” (I’m sure she’s nice)

7:39 Jeremy Renner walks onto the stage M&C- “OH GOD.” “PFFFFFFFT” other indecipherable noises C- “WHY would you comb your hair like that?!” M-“Hey! I like his hair!” C-“SO DO I!” at some point we called him an Asshole and Bastard.

FYEAH LES MIS WINS BEST PICTURE MUSICAL/COMEDY M- “you already had your turn, Hathaway! Let someone else speak. God.” C- “I want to like you. Stop being ‘fake out of breath’!”

7:51 Daniel Day-Lewis does the unthinkable and wins Best Actor. M types most sarcastic sentence ever.

7:52 M- “Daniel Day-Lewis should win an award for acting like a straight man all these years.” (award show commentary comes full circle)

FYEAH ARGO

And thus concludes our commentary.

If anyone is interested, M beatC by one point in our predictions pool.

And this was the greatest moment of the show:

Ok, ONE LAST NOTE, Marion Cotillard is a goddess and I worship the ground she walks on.

[ohyeahfriendsyeah-blog]

I said it was typical. Typical of you, Rachel Green, Queen Rachel does whatever she wants in little Rachel land.

[melreviews]

Mel Sees: Celeste and Jesse Forever

Think Blue Valentine but slightly less depressing. Slightly.

I say “slightly” because Andy Samberg and Rashida Jones are fantastic at being funny when they’re suppose to be, but what’s more is their ability to break your heart. The brief synopsis of “C&J” is Celeste and Jesse are best friends who have been married for 6 years, but now they’re separated, and they think they’re fine, but really they aren’t. Barrel of laughs, right? While the subject matter seems serious and depressing (it is), they approach it with an honesty and light-hearted manner without detracting from the real human emotions you’d expect in this situation. Anyone who is familiar with Samberg on SNL, his movies, or The Lonely Island can look forward to seeing his boyish charm and humor shine through. What impressed me the most was how normal he can be. He pulled back all his outlandish, bawdy comedy tricks and instead presented himself as a serious actor. I’m not saying to cast Samberg in a dramatic period piece. I’m saying if he continues on this path to make you laugh one minute and cry the next, then his leaving SNL to pursue other acting opportunities won’t be in vain. Jones, who is probably most recognizable from her role as Amy Poehler’s bestie Ann Perkins on “Parks & Recreation”, is an absolute dream. Not only did she co-write Celeste & Jesse with Will McCormack (hilarious supporting performance as Skillz), she acted her heart out. You fall in love with her so easily, and you just root for her the whole time, which is why when Celeste pretends to be ok in front of Jesse you just want to reach out and hug her. I love Rashida Jones, I always have, but now I’m IN love with her.

The movie, while entertaining, also presents a serious question: is being best friends enough? Of course we’d all like to say “yes”, unfortunately the well crafted script gives a convincing argument for “no”. Two people seem to belong together, but as Celeste suggests, if you don’t fight for it then it slips away. It’s easy to say that at the beginning of the film, Celeste has it all together. She is a successful trendforecaster (yes it’s a thing), she’s beautiful, funny, has a nice house, gay Elijah Wood is her friend and co-worker, and she seems to have a wonderful husband. Then, within 5 minutes of the opening scene you realize ***SPOILER ALERT*** that she and Jesse are already separated. Is it entirely Jesse’s fault? No. Sure he doesn’t have a job, and takes an overly relaxed approach to life, causing Celeste to be stressed and feel like she’s doing all the work, but... no wait. I don’t have a “but”. That’s my first problem. I think somewhere in there it is suggested that Celeste is basically a power whore, but I didn’t necessarily feel that way. Maybe I was biasedly blinded by my love for Jones, but I was Team Celeste. Shit happens, you think they’ll get back together, they meet other people, she goes down a dark, twisted stairwell of pain and drunkenness, yadda yadda yadda. Some of it is predictable, but that doesn’t detract from their fine performances. In fact, Jones’ portrayal as a woman scorned was refreshing. Yes, she is down in the dumps, but it was never a life-ending moment for her. There was even a dreaded wedding speech moment where you thought she was going to lose her shit and embarrass herself while toasting her friends, but instead it turned into a sweet, subtle apology to Jesse. I DON’T KNOW WHY. He’s the one who should be apologizing, but whatever. It was too good to argue with.

The other problem I had, but was a well developed problem, was how they graphed Celeste’s growth. Near the beginning of the film, she’s at the end of a long line of customers at a coffee shop (let’s assume Starbucks), and a guy who was 4th in line cuts to the front and orders coffee. From the back of the line she politely but directly tells him off, and I was proud of her. Like I wanted to stand up and be like “YEAH! Don’t take shit from anybody but still be respectable about it!” Then the movie happens. Then, at the end of the film, she’s at a gas station? Convenience store? whatever, not important, she’s walking to the cashier and a guy barges in from outside and just kind of cuts in front of her. She’s about tell him off, but instead says “nevermind” as if this was some big life changing moment. Like an “Aw she’s a changed woman” type of thing. I don’t want her to be a changed woman, that part of her that told off the coffee shop guy was incredible. Maybe she didn’t tell off gas station/convenience store guy because she realized he actually didn’t cut in front of her, he fairly beat her to the till. He thanks her, acknowledging that what he did was wrong and she was right, but it was cool of her to not lose her shit. Unenthusiastic yay. I mainly didn’t like this scene because it was a totally different situation from the one with the coffee guy, so comparing her reactions and thusly tracking her growth is unfair. However, I can see why they did it. In her not-so-awkward wedding speech/apology to Jesse, she says that in a relationship you don’t always have to be right, even if you are. That’s probably the clearest reasoning we get as to why her and Jesse’s relationship didn’t work out. Now, at the end of the movie, even though she’s right, she lets it slide. She takes Jesse’s laid back approach to life and chooses to pick her battles, which I can appreciate as a resolution.

Verdict: 4/5. Bravo performances. Andy Samberg can potentially be the next Paul Rudd, being capable of both humor and seriousness in his work. Rashida Jones is breathtaking and should be worshipped for her script writing and acting. The two of them seemed so natural on screen together that you hope they’re BFFs in real life. You also can’t help but feel that they were just being themselves, but perhaps that’s just an actor being a good actor. The supporting cast of Elijah Wood, Will McCormack, Eric Christian Olsen, Ari Graynor, Emma Roberts and Chris Messina are delightful. The soundtrack is amazing too, I’m hoping for that to be on iTunes soon. As a warning, you’ll probably leave the theatre with a mixed feeling of emptiness and happiness. It’s a strange feeling, but it’s worth it.

Ps. Lookout for a hilarious cameo by Kris Pino (spoiler alert: Chris Pine, who you won’t recognize unless you love Chris Pine as much as I do)

[melreviews]

Mel Sees: Magic Mike

Yeah, I saw the Channing Tatum stripper movie. And know what? It was horrible. So what? Who cares? Oh no wait, I care. I care because this movie could have been fantastic, and I had my hopes up to see some juicy beefcakes, but what I got was poorly constructed story lines in a movie that was trying to be more than the sum of its parts. “I want to see Magic Mike because of the plot” said no one.  This movie would have been leaps & bounds better if it didn’t have a plot. If Magic Mike was just one camera shot of Channing Tatum and Alex Pettyfer stripping for 90 mins, audiences would have been more than satisfied. If Magic Mike had one simple, predictable story line- something to the tune of male stripper with a heart meets girls, they fall in love, girl disapproves of boy’s job, they break up, big romantic gesture, boy stops stripping, boy marries girl- it would have been decent at the very least. Instead, I was subject to a mess.

Perhaps if Magic Mike had more stripping, I wouldn’t be on such a tirade. But that’s the problem. If you’re going to make a movie with strippers, and advertise it as a movie with strippers, then there should be stripping. NOT DANCING. Stripping. Yes, Channing Tatum is a fine dancer, we know this from his Step Up days, but again, MOVIE ABOUT STRIPPING. I’m not entirely disappointed with what was thrusted upon me: an ass shot here, some grinding there. It just wasn’t enough, especially if they’re going to force us to tolerate the plot(s). I don’t know if anything was actually accomplished at the end of the movie. There were too many subplots in conjunction with the weak main plot. The main plot consisted of Tatum’s Mike who is an entrepreneur and wants to start his own custom furniture business, but he strips on the side to make money to do so. He has multiple businesses though. And he does already make custom furniture. So I’m not quite sure where the problem is. He falls for his protege’s sister, but he still makes booty calls to Olivia Munn, who is a lesbian? Bisexual? Engaged to another man? Whatever. She and her boobs had no business being in this movie. Meanwhile, Mike’s protégé, played by Alex Pettyfer, goes from zero to hero in the course of 3 months, but the term “hero” here means pill-popping sex addict dealer. There’s also Matthew McConaughey as the aging stripper/bar owner who wants to take his business to Miami. None of these plots are tied up in the end.  It was like the masterminds behind this project had the following conversation:

Mastermind A: Hey, know what would be a huge cash grab? A movie about male strippers.

Mastermind B: zomg that is brilliant. My daughter likes this guy… Tanning… Chet Tater… Channing Tatum! Let’s get him on board.

Mastermind A: Perfect. Let’s get to filming.

Mastermind B: Wait, don’t we need some sort of plot?

Mastermind A: Nah, we’ll just tell them to wing it.

And wing it they did. I wasn’t expecting Oscar-worthy acting, but I wanted to at least not guffaw. Apparently, I was asking too much. Most of the acting seemed like improv, and not good “Donald Glover on Community one-liners” improv; it was like “I don’t know my lines in a high school play” improv. Sidenote: fake laughing is the WORST (I’m looking at you Cody Horn). It’s a pretty sad state of affairs when the most convincing actor in a movie is Matthew McConaudouche. To say that he was meant for this role is an understatement. The supporting cast showed up, so I mean kudos to them. Matt Bomer, Adam Rodriguez, Kevin Nash, Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias, and the delicious Joe Manganiello all did what needed to be done. Anyone could have directed this, so I don’t know why they got Steven Soderbergh (Ocean’s 11, 12, 13) to do it. He certainly didn’t add anything to the movie-making, except a bizarre ecstasy trip scene which only makes me cringe knowing that that was him. And the poor bastard who wrote this crap, Reid Carolin… don’t try so hard buddy. You had a fantastic idea and you over shot it, which ironically made it seem like you half-assed it.

Verdict: 1.5/5. Whether I was laughing at the dialogue, the cat calls in the audience, or at the realization that I went to a movie to see Channing Tatum strip, I was entertained. However, when the credits started to roll I had an overwhelming sense of disappointment. I don’t care if you have a crappy plot in a movie about strippers, but when the crappy plot takes up more screen time than Channing Tatum’s abs, we have a problem. But what does that matter now? They set out to make money, not make a good movie, and they succeeded. Everyone who wanted to see it has seen it or will see it, regardless of the plot. The theatres sold out, we sold out, and they all got paid.

Seriously, why the eff was Olivia Munn in this?

Ps. I heard that they’re making Magic Mike 2. Please, for the love of oiled up men in thongs, don’t have a storyline.

[melreviews]

Mel Sees: Moonrise Kingdom

Adorable. Charming. Funny. Heartbreaking. Smart. Beautiful. All of these words can be attributed to Wes Anderson’s visual masterpiece Moonrise Kingdom, but perhaps more importantly they also describe the performances of the two breakout leads Kara Hayward and Jared Gilman. Hayward and Gilman star as Suzy and Sam, two young kids who fall in love and run away together. They are simply wonderful and it is hard to believe that this is the first feature film for both of them. Everything they do is perfect, and you wonder if they consciously made those choices or if it is their natural charm shining through. Wes Anderson, as always, is precise with his casting choices, so it would not be surprising if he found Suzy and Sam rather than two kids who could play them.

All of the children in this movie are sensational. Suzy & Sam, Suzy’s little brothers, and the Khaki Scouts are the film. The big names that make up the adult cast impress through their subtlety. Anderson film regulars Bill Murray and Jason Schwartzman please as usual, while Bruce Willis, Edward Norton, Frances McDormand and Tilda Swinton do just enough to hold the story together without taking away focus from the kids. I went in thinking Willis would be my favourite, but it was Norton as the admirable Scout Master that shined the most out of the adults. You just root for his do-goodery to prevail, which in part represents the nature of the entire film- the desire for good, innocence and simplicity.

Moonrise Kingdom makes you nostalgic for a childhood that you never had. The choices Anderson makes in his direction make you believe that what you are seeing are projections of your own childhood, or at least the memories that you never had. I cannot say for sure why Anderson set the story in the 1960s, but I can’t help but think it has to do with the picture of easy-goings and simplicity that the 60s’ life seems to convey. Today’s society copies the clothes, the music, the THINGS, but what we really want to copy is the essence; the longing for the uncomplicated. The virtues in the Scout Master and the innocence of the kids resonate the most with the retro decade, and also play with our desire for the past, more specifically, our childhood. Things were easier, simpler, back when we were kids, or at least we seem to think they were. This film makes us long not for the return of the past, but for the way we were as children.

Additionally, Anderson’s film, like most of his films, is about the functionality of a dysfunctional family. Through the perfectly shot scenes is an imperfect family, that, despite how wacky and quirky they seem, are easy to relate to. The awkward, distant ambiance created by the characters is somehow comforting because in the end we realize that they do, in fact, function. Anderson presents the notion that no matter how odd a family seems, they are a family and they stick together through thick and thin, which gives us hope for our own families. The strongest metaphor in the movie that reflects this notion is the orchestra music playing from Suzy’s brother’s record player. A beautiful piece of music fills the house as the camera slowly sweeps through each room. A voice interrupts the music, drawing attention to each instrument family: the strings, the winds, the percussions. Each section is enjoyable enough, but they are missing something. That “something” becomes apparent when the sections are played together again- they were missing each other. I think this beautifully demonstrates that each member of a family, whether it be Suzy’s family, the Khaki Scouts, or the community in this small New England town, are an integral part of its functionality. Without one individual, it just isn’t the same, which is why Suzy’s family and the scouts go out looking for Suzy and Sam. That’s why, no matter how strange a Wes Anderson family seems on the screen, the familiarity of what we’d do for our families is there.

Verdict: 4/5 Maybe I’m digging for meaning in this film, but it sure as hell seems like it’s there. Wes Anderson leaves his films vague enough to be open to interpretation, so if you want to take something away from it, you can. Or, if you just want to be entertained and be left in awe of what he offers to cinema, you can do that too. I have nothing negative to say about this film except that on the grand scheme of movie viewing, it’s not the best or most enticing film I’ve ever seen. Beautifully shot, charming cast, pretentious and heart warming. Moonrise Kingdom is simply amazing.

Ps. The music in this film is so magical that hipsters wish they had found it.

[melreviews]

Mel Sees: Snow White and the Huntsman

or "Snow White and the Seven Thors" -my bff Christine

"Anything that follows theBourne Legacytrailer is at a disadvantage." I predicted correctly. WhileSWATHwas entertaining enough, it left me wanting more, and not in a good way. Let's start off with the positives, shall we?

Positive 1: Director Rupert Sanders shot a beautiful film. I mean, the attractive cast and sweeping landscapes lent a hand, but even in the dark, twisted scenes there was a haunting beauty about them. He done good, especially with a script we are all too familiar with.

Positive 2: Chris Hemsworth's face, and the 5 seconds of air time his abs got.

Positive 3: The acting was solid, even for Kristin Stewart. I didn't squirm when she was on screen, which is a good acting review for the darling. Well, save for that rallying speech before the big battle, but it wasn't the worst, so yay?

SPOILERS, STRAIGHT AHEAD!

Alright, time to rip this movie a new one. Yes, classic fairytale. Obviously we know the gist ofSnow White. Script Writers Evan Daugherty and John Lee Hancock offered some originality, but with that comes some major plot fails.

Negative 1: Free tip- make the basis of the entire story believable. The King's army doesn't find it AT ALL suspicious that they just defeated an army of GLASS SHARDS, and that this GLASS SHARDS army had a woman as their prisoner, with no guards, alone in a caravan? I understand you need to set up the backstory quickly, but couldn't there be just ONE GUY who says "hey, so WTF? Weird right. Maybe we should take some serious precautions, but you're the King" so that I know that not everyone in this film is a dolt. Oh wait, now the voice over is telling me that the newly widowed King marries the enchantingly beautiful prisoner ONE DAY after meeting her? Give me a break. The audible "PPPFFFFTTTT" in the audience gave a new definition to surround sound.

Negative 2: I didn't really care for any of the characters. The writers even tried to make us sympathize for Charlize Theron's evil Queen by showing a flashback as to how she came to be "cursed" with eternal beauty. Boo-freakin-hoo, still no reason to be a colossal bitch.

Negative 3: Don't toy with the idea of incest unless it's between Jaime and Cersei Lannister, because you're going to do it wrong.

Negative 4*: Here's the movie: Beginning ofCinderella, Arwen being chased by Ringwraiths, handsome guy gets kicked out of a bar, Princess Leia & Han Solo meet Ewoks on Endor, Harry Potter's patronus, Jesus, Joan of Arc, coronation by the priest fromThe Princess Bride, the end?

Negative 5: I said "the end?" because I meant it. Sure, Snow White wins, I don't think that's hardly a spoiler. But if you're wondering if Snow & Thor end up together, or if he is just going to continuously lurk at the back of a crowded room for the sole purpose of emerging on cue when she looks for him, keep wondering. I'm glad this is one of few films that has a female lead and doesn't center on a love story. HOWEVER, I prefer movies that follow through with their own set-up. If you're going to introduce a love triangle, then she BEST pick one at the end. I suppose it leaves room for a crappy sequel... IMDB does haveSnow White and the Huntsman 2 (???)listed, so that looks promising (???)

Negative 6: NEVER THROW DOWN YOUR SHIELD. Like actually, wtf? "Oh I'm about to face off with a sorceress, this shield will be of absolutely no use to me." No.

Negative 7: Dear Snow, Thor, and Dwarves: You're being hunted. If you stop moving, your hunters will catch up to you. Regards, every 20 minutes of this movie.

Negative 8: Epic plot fail... Snow White escapes the castle grounds at the beginning of the movie by sliding down a sewer tunnel, which comes out on the side of a steep cliff. So she jumps into the ocean. Fine. Near the end of the movie, Snow White and her army wait on the beach, a safe, long distance away from the castle, while the 7 dwarves swim? fly? teleport? to the same sewage line, creep past some guards and open the gate from the inside. THAT WOULD HAVE TAKEN HOURS AND HOW DID THEY SCALE THAT CLIFF? They would have drowned before they even made it to the base of that wall. They also would have been spotted by tower watchmen.

Verdict: 2.5/5, a passing grade. The negatives outweigh the positives 8-3, but I'm still glad I saw it.Snow White and the Huntsman is a cheap-Tuesday type of movie. It was blandly entertaining, but entertaining nonetheless. Everything in this film relied heavily on taking the events and story for face value. It was all on the surface, no depth. I'm sure there was suppose to be some sort of deep metaphor somewhere, probably involving the majestic stag, but it got lost in Chris Hemsworth's strong masculine features.

* Negative 4 could also be viewed as a Positive. I was aiming to show the simplicity and overdoneness of the story, but I summed it up in a such a way that sounds like an epic film. It's not.

[melreviews]

Mel Sees: Rock of Ages

"I want this movie to come out on DVD right now so that I can watch it every day for the rest of my life" I said as my friends and I left the theatre. Rock of Ages was horrible, in the absolute best way possible, and here's why... Tom effin Cruise.

There are no words to accurately describe how much I love Tom Cruise right now. I'm not a huge fan of the guy. He lost me somewhere between "Eyes Wide Shut" and "Vanilla Sky", and I never quite recovered until "Ghost Protocol". Tom Cruise as Stacee Jaxx is perhaps the most perfectly bizarre casting choice ever, but it works. Oh boy does it work. Tom (cuz we're tight like that) somehow manages to both spoof and embody an aging rock god in his portrayal of Stacee Jaxx. He is absolutely absurd, but it's what we all expect rock stars of yore to be. Forget about the out of control costumes, the guyliner, and tattoos. The way Tom Cruise moves, speaks, and even just stands... THAT STANCE. My lord, who is this guy? And his SINGING. I'm going to be devastated if one day we find out that he didn't do his own singing. I mean, of course he had some help from the sound editing department, as did the entire cast. The man is a beast who does not need to be caged. Let Tom roam free and find shelter in all of our hearts.

Now for the movie itself... corny. HOLY COW I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO FORM A CORNY-ENOUGH METAPHOR. But it worked. It really makes you question how much of it was suppose to be a cheesy spoof. Answer: All of it. The exception is in the performances of the two leads, Julianne Hough and Diego Boneta. The poor darlings, I think they were actually TRYING. But good news for them: they can fall back on saying their bad acting was intentional. I did not see the musical production, but I KNOW it's suppose to be a spoof. I'm just warning whoever reads this that if you don't bring your sense of humor with you, then don't even bother. If you just go to listen to the music and free yourself to being entertained, then you will love it.

Other notes: Everyone can carry a tune, some more than others, but generally speaking my ears enjoyed what they heard. My favorites were Tom Cruise, Russell Brand, and Malin Akerman. YES. MALIN AKERMAN. AMAZING. The woman is an 80s goddess. Besides her voice she's stunningly beautiful in 80s makeup and hysterical. After doing some quick IMDBing post-Rock, I was pleased to see she will be portraying Debbie Harry in the upcoming film "CBGB" (Thanks Taryn for looking that up while I was driving, Safety First people).

Are the songs they cover better than the originals? Hell to the no. Impossible. But they hold their own. You don't want to cover your ears and yell to the sky "WHY WOULD YOU RUIN THIS SONG?" Nothing was ruined. Every single song is a winner. My favourite is a toss up between Tom Cruise's "Dead or Alive" and "Pour Some Sugar on Me" Challenge: try not to whisper to your movie buddy "I love this song" at some point.

I wish Catherine Zeta-Jones had a sexy, get down with your bad self number. I mean the woman is fantastic in what she does, but I just really love me some "Chicago" Zeta-Jones.

Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin had the best laughs. These two clearly knew what this thing was about and they nailed it. Obviously not taking themselves seriously, but doing it in a way where you laughedwiththem, like it was a joke they let you in on.

Paul Giamatti was Paul Giamatti. I don't know what else to say about him. I don't particularily like the man, but he does sleazy manager really well.

I looked up the musical's plot synopsis on Wiki. The movie differs substantially, and I think for the better.

But Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, oh my god. I don't care if you hate Rock of Ages, you WILL love Tom Cruise/Stacee Jaxx.

ps. Even the Cheetos cheetah is like "dude, wtf?"

Pps. How come they didn't get Tom Cruise to tour as Stacee Jaxx as a promotional money maker? I would pay stupid amounts of money to see him on stage.

Verdict: 3/5, if you like 80s rock, laughing, and easy, predictable plots.