me myself and Iyengar

In the back of Mr. Iyengar's Light on Yoga is a 300 week course. This is my journey.

[memyselfandiyengar]

Retour.

Well, my mediation detour has come to an end and I am working my way back to the back of the Book.

Two things I have learned:

Number One - There are always more excuses.  

Although meditating for a few hours a day was a lot (and to be clear, by no means was this an easy task for me), it was doable.  I mean, at my current pace of life not every-day doable (or maybe that’s an excuse).  But every-now-and-again doable for sure and ABSOLUTELY doable to do more meditation than was previously in my daily (or not) practice.  I can always come up with reasons not to meditate... but now the question is whether or not it is reason enough.

Number Two - What a difference 30 days makes.

HELLO HAMSTRINGS!  ...and hips, and shoulders, and knees, and every single little muscle in my body.  I must admit I was not as disciplined as I planned to be in including lots of restorative and yin in my practice while allowing my neck its time to heal.  And my goodness am I feeling the effects now!!!

Some clarity I have gained:

I can’t just jump back into the Practice where I left off.  It is going to take some time and thoughtful process to get me back on track.

Moving forwards I think it will serve my body and me best to take one or two days per week off the Practice.  I have learned the hard way that too much of a good thing is still too much... let’s hope I don’t have to re-learn this lesson.

All in all it’s good to be back and I am excited to carefully make my way back to where I was!

[memyselfandiyengar]

Going inwards.

And so begins a journey within a journey.  There was this meditation practice I was hoping to do  (and planning on doing) right about now.  I must admit however, I was getting a little concerned about my pie chart.  It would mean about 7 to 8 hours of meditation and yoga per day.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I am all for that.  But perhaps best served in a retreat setting.  

Here I am, an injury that requires rest, a constitution that requires action, a practice that requires time, and I am beginning to feel some gratitude for this injury... that’s weird.

Weird and somehow wonderful, I will take it and run.  Figuratively.  Literally I will be sitting very still.  For the next 4 weeks.

At this point I am not sure where this leaves this blog and how much I share about this journey within a journey will have to remain to be seen.  

[memyselfandiyengar]

Pigeons.

I was practicing outside.  The sun was shining gentle zephyrs kissing my skin just enough to avoid overheating.  My husband sat by me reading scripture and our little Shih Tzu, Kiwi, lay with bliss in her eyes as she soaked up the sun.

As I went through the headstand series I could feel my neck fatiguing, but I was on the last 3 poses and I told myself “I can do it.”  So I remained strong and made it through.  I indulged in child’s pose just a little longer than usual enjoying the feeling of accomplishment mixed with relief and the wonderful experience that always comes with, literally, flipping my world upside down.

On to the shoulder stand series.  

Upside down again, I savoured my time looking up into the bright blue sky spotted with whimsical wisps of clouds.  Four poses into the series, 3 pigeons came whizzing into view, they were coming closer 1 flew on passed, but the other 2 were fighting (or mating... I’ll stick with fighting for the dramatics of the story), they switched back and began careening towards the ground, and me.  I panicked and lost the integrity of my pose.  They zoomed passed Mike’s face and they were gone.

Mike, Kiwi, and I were left stunned and confused.  Then laughing.  

I carried on with practice.  Mike carried on with reading.  Kiwi carried on with sunbathing.  

Cut to the middle of the night.

I was lying on my left side Kiwi curled up next to my belly.  As I went to roll over I woke up to a searing pain in my neck.  Rolling over proved incredibly difficult as did trying to look to the left.  I managed to get out of bed to get some water, hoping I had just slept funny, and I would simply “walk it off.”  But as I continued to test the mobility of my neck it was becoming more and more apparent... I injured my neck.  I blame the pigeons.

All this is to say, I have encountered a road block in this journey.  Should I want to continue this practice and maintain a healthy body, my only option is to take a break.  That said, I am determined my practice won’t stop.  My yoga will be mainly Yin and Restorative over the next few days for sure.  And I will take my time to build back to where I left off.  

Until then, guided by the inspiration of a question Mike asked me after I punched the bed out of frustration:

How can you use this?

I am very excited to begin a journey within my journey... 

[memyselfandiyengar]

T.G.F.I.

Thank Goodness For (Mister) Iyengar.

As most of my North American friends are likely aware… It’s the joyous time of year we know as TAX SEASON.

No, I am not so advanced in my practice that these times of year just roll off my shoulders. Yes, I am being sarcastic.

Taxes stress me right out. I do my due diligence throughout the year keeping track of everything required, and yet, when it comes to putting those numbers on to paper I get FRAZZLED.

This year was no exception.

But the difference? Mr. Iyengar!

When it came to doing my taxes this year, I decided I would get up early, put my nose to the grindstone, and get ‘em done.

5 hours later… I wasn’t sure I could see straight anymore.

All I can say is thank goodness I saved my practice for afterwards. I pressed submit, went straight to my mat, and almost instantly I could feel the anxiety trickling out of my body never to be seen again (or at least until taxes next year).

My Dad recently asked me why I am doing this practice and one of my reasons I included is because it makes me a nicer person (and at the risk of sounding vain, I was a pretty cool person to be around after my whirlwind taxathon. Without the practice, methinks I would be whistling a different tune). In response he asked, “Why don’t you just be nicer?” Well… I am not there yet. So until then;

THANK GOODNESS FOR IYENGAR.

[memyselfandiyengar]

So Natural.

My experience has evolved in many poses throughout this journey.  Here are just some of the ways:

Some poses I could not do before and can now.

Niralamba Sarvangasana II

Some poses used to be a struggle and no longer are.

Salamba Sarvangasana I

Some poses used to be a struggle, are more bearable now, but continue to be a struggle.

Parivrtta Parsvakonasana

Some poses were doable before, my deepest experience is much deeper, but what happens on a day to day basis is not up to me.

Dhanurasana

Some poses I was able to do before and consistently forget to bring more attention to them to see where I might be able to go.

Trikonasana

Some poses were a disaster to get into and now an experience of grace (relatively anyway).

Baddha Padmasana

But what I am most interested in at this moment are poses I was capable of doing or getting into on one side but not the other and am now capable of both sides.  One example: Urdhva Padmasana.

This pose caused me a lot of anxiety.  I could feel it in my chest as I began the headstand sequence, my heart only getting heavier as with each pose it grew nearer and nearer.  But, with a 5+ year timeline, I figured I might as well keep trying... the only option to perhaps be rid of this suffering prior to the 5+ years being over.  

And low and behold with persistence (and of course an incredibly intelligent Practice that, through the other poses it contains, continued to open and prepare my body), I went from not be able to do my left side, to getting into it on my left side once and experiencing that it was possible, to getting into it on my left side every now and again, and finally to consistently getting into it on both sides.  A feat that instilled amazement, wonder, and a feeling of accomplishment into my practice.  Something I am sure plays no small part in my continuation with this Practice.

But it’s not my ability to do both sides that interests me.

What is fascinating to me, is that now that it is a consistent part of my practice, the side that once was undoable is, now, actually more doable.

What’s up with that?

Back in my grade school/University days I ran track and specialized in hurdles.  Being a tad vertically challenged, by the end of a 100m race for the last 4 to 2 hurdles I would have to alternate legs.  Not ideal adding in a 4th stride and really not ideal having to leap with a leg forward that didn’t come naturally.  But once again with persistence, I was soon able to hurdle with either leg forwards very well, and in fact, technically, my non-dominant leg became far more proficient and efficient.  

My point?

Natural ability is great.  Really great.  Right off the bat it makes me feel accomplished, talented, good.  But.  Learning to do something that I couldn’t do.  Having to break it down piece by piece, fail, and fail again, put it back together, and then, only after Working and Working and Working on it, before achieving it?  That’s where the magic happens.

Natural ability will take me so far.  But where am I willing to take me?

[memyselfandiyengar]

INTENSE.

I just have to say it... THIS PRACTICE IS INTENSE.

Once again, I don’t know what I expected from this practice, but I don’t think I ever expected this.  I mean, in the stories I have heard that Mr. Iyengar was a pretty radical guy, particularly in his earlier years, so I don’t know why I didn’t assume it would translate in to the Practice he offers.  

Maybe it has something to do with how Iyengar Yoga has evolved out here in the Western Hemisphere (or at least, how I have perceived it).  It is a practice that offers a ton of support, is slow, and generally more gentle... okay, even as I write it down this perception seems ridiculous.  

Support does not mean less challenging.  

Slow does not mean easier.

Gentle does not mean without strength.

And yet I went ahead and tricked myself on some level and here I am shocked every time I am on the mat at the intensity of this practice.  

It’s just so intense.

[memyselfandiyengar]

In sickness and in health.

I have been sick since Saturday.  Now, in the grand scheme of things, I need to be counting my blessings, because seriously, this is just a cough/chest/cold-ish thing.  But in the moment... that is just now how I have been rolling.

Since Saturday I have also taken it upon myself to be throwing myself a pity party.  That means a lot of bad TV, movies, and not leaving the house.  

BUT (yes, this is a bigger but), I have not given up on The Practice.  Perhaps I have not given it the same gusto and keep-going-effort I reflected upon just a few weeks ago but I have carried on.  

I can feel my body is tired, and sore, and achey, and sick.  Which led me to asking myself a number of times, particularly before and while practicing, "Should I still do this Practice while I am sick?"

I don't know.  And I don't have a Guru to tell me.  

So where does that leave me?

Right here:

I am glad that I practiced while sick, because I am guessing I would feel a lot achier than I already do had I not.

Coughing in many poses, but particularly head and shoulder stands seems quite dangerous.

"The Dread" came back in full force for these past few practices.

Had I decided not to practice because of this specific ailment, I would have been disappointed with myself in not carrying through.

I don't know when this practice could be too much... I am hoping intuition will continue to help me in the future.

I have no idea whether I should be doing this without the guidance of a Guru or not.  But I am going to keep going anyway.

[memyselfandiyengar]

Practice makes progress.

If it hadn't been so long since my last post, all I would say here is "nuff said."  Alas, it has been nearly 3 weeks since my last post.  Oddly enough... leaving this blog with Stagnant written front and centre.  

Although this blog has sat here stagnant for so long, I am pleased to say it has been quite the opposite in my life outside these cyber walls.  

I have completed the first course of three in this Practice.  

In the final week of course one I was posed with an obstacle.  I would be out of town from Wednesday through Sunday and Saturday I was scheduled to start a new week.  But not only a new week, the first week of course two.  First, largely led by my ego, I was doing my best to figure out how to get all the work done (set up the timer, read about all the poses, familiarize myself with the sequence) for the next sequence before I left.  This way I would be on track to simply do the practice.  

But, in being totally honest with myself, I knew it wouldn't just be the practice.  When I start a new sequence, not only do I not have the sequence memorized yet, I often do not remember exactly what a pose is, or how to do the pose, or how to get into it, and so I need to pause, look the pose up, and figure it out.  Add this on to "simply do the practice" and I've got a recipe for anxiety on my hands.  

And so came the second option.  Continue the final week of course one for an extra 2 days.  2 DAYS EXTRA?!  Set myself behind schedule by 2 days... by choice?!

Yep.  

And this is what I went for.

In this decision came a practice that supported an incredibly busy (but even more-so, fun-filled) family vacation by being doable, familiar, and efficient. 

In this decision came a family vacation that was incredibly busy yet remained fun-filled because my body, mind, and heart were tended to kindly every day.

In this decision came a practice that was savoured, even indulged in, when it came time to learn the new sequence.  

In this decision came an incredibly sweet way to settle back into my routine at home, to be grounded, and to feel grateful for this Practice.

Before I began this Practice, I can without a doubt say I would have chosen the former option.  But this practice is teaching me, through experience, processes take time.  And when time is given, things not only happen, but often happen much faster than expected.  Or even better, things I never thought possible happen.  

This Practice is a process.  A neverending process that requires practice.  And when I give this Practice the appropriate amount of time and attention, practice will absolutely make progress.  Perfect.

[memyselfandiyengar]

Stagnant.

When it is time for a new sequence, and specifically when new poses are introduced, there is this little extra something that is brought to my practice.  A challenge.  A renewed sense of effort that I bring. 

As time goes on and a sequence or pose becomes familiar, there is first a softness that allows for a beautiful opening where once strength and even aggression were brought in order to "achieve."  But as time goes on from there, comes a lackadaisical, almost apathetic quality.  I know what needs to move where in order to get into into the shape.  And nothing more.  It's comfortable.

I could stay there.

Or, I could keep going.  I can continue to apply effort, keep moving beyond comfort.  

I am going to give this a try.  Worst case scenario, I can just go back to being comfortable again.

[memyselfandiyengar]

I'm Not Special.

I used to look at daily practitioners and be inspired but, in the back of my head think “there’s no way I will ever get there.” At my core, in my essence, I am the same person who thought that I would never get there, and yet, here I am practicing daily.

In the many people around me that I see Greatness, I continue to be in Awe of their daily practices. Their dedication, their reverence, their ability to, seemingly, practice effortlessly and with Grace. At their ability to be in The Practice, not only when they are on the mat, their bike, in their meditation room, playing their music (whatever their practice may be), but in every moment.

I observe them in the way they exist and feel something in my gut, my heart, that tells me “I want that.”

But I am not special. There’s nothing extraordinary about me. I am the same as any ordinary old Jane.

Yet, here I am. A plane Jane, who now practices daily. Who is now attaining the unattainable. How did that happen?

Perhaps their is hope for me yet.

[memyselfandiyengar]

If. How. When.

When I first started practicing yoga I was totally hooked. It wouldn’t be uncommon to find me in the studio 5 times a week. But, as the excitement of a new endeavour began to wear off and the general busy-ness of life took precedence my practice slowly dwindled… 4, then 3, then 2, then 1, and even sometimes once a week if I was lucky. As I continued to build my practice this number would ebb and flow, up and down, and it most certainly was not consistent. How I could make the time for a consistent practice and continue to keep up with life’s demands was a constant battle that life’s demands consistently won.

If I made it to the studio/the mat, it was because I had the time to spare.

I went through my foundational teacher training, and many trainings to follow. My love for and knowledge of Yoga grew, I began teaching and working in the yoga environment as a full time gig, and yet my own personal practice remained an if. “I will get to the studio or roll out my mat IF I have the time, IF I get this and that done, IF I have the energy.” It’s amazing the number of excuses I could come up with to not get myself to the mat. Even with the knowledge and ability of how to put a practice together and do it myself, in my own home. It just wasn’t happening.

To be entirely honest (and somewhat sheepishly) I must admit that this “if” mentality did not entirely change until I decided to begin This Practice.

When I began This Practice and I committed myself to it, suddenly my practice shifted from “if” to “how.” It was no longer a question of whether or not I would do it, but a question of “how the heck am I going to fit this in around everything else that needs to get done?”

A challenge? Absolutely. Impossible? Absolutely not. As soon as I removed the if, I began looking at my life and figuring out how to make it happen. Yes, at times I had to wake up earlier than I would have liked to. And yes, there were times where I would have preferred to be sitting on the couch eating french fries and a milkshake while watching a rom com. But it was possible. My life was malleable and I carved into it the space for my practice the moment I chose to do so.

And then, maybe a week ago, maybe more, but the realization just struck me the other day; I slipped into something new. Something sweet. Something effortless. The “how” is no longer there. I am no longer worried about how I will fit my practice into my day. It is something that is just there, come rain or come shine, I will be on my mat. All there is, is a “when”. When will I find myself there? It’s always nice when I can get myself to wake up early and do it before the trials and tribulations of daily life get to me, but even if I don’t, my body knows, my heart knows, and my mind knows, I will get there, and when I do… It will be glorious.

[memyselfandiyengar]

Res·o·lu·tion.

,/rezəˈlo͞oSH(ə)n/

noun

a firm decision to do or not to do something.

I am not for or against New Years Resolutions, but there seems to be a consistent increase in the people in my life whom are strongly against them and pronounce it with vitriolic conviction.  

  What's up with that?

Just kidding.  Kind of.  But not really.

Over my 27 New Years' experienced, I can vaguely remember on a few occasions thinking I should make a New Years Resolution, and maybe actually coming up with a couple ideas in my late teens... but I can't say I can remember a New Years Resolution that I made, let alone kept.  When I ask myself Why?  The only reason I can come up with is that same F word that just keeps coming up for me again, and again, and again.

Fear.

Fear of knowing, Heaven forbid, there is a possibility of failure.  The same exact reason I almost didn't start, and then once I did, didn't tell anyone about doing this Practice.  

Choosing to do this Practice is one of the best decisions I have made in a long time.  If you have been reading this blog regularly, you know I am expert at finding things to complain about.  And although, right now I am absolutely loving The Practice, even in my moments of dread, I know this Practice is good for me.  It gives me strength; physically, mentally, and spiritually, and challenges me on a daily (even moment to moment) basis.

I am not making this Practice my New Years Resolution and I am not saying anyone needs to go out and make a New Years Resolution.  But I am absolutely resolved in continuing to do my best to complete this Practice and am curious, where is Your Resolve?

[memyselfandiyengar]

It all comes together.

This Practice seems to be just what I need.  And it seems to have come to me just when I needed it.  And of course, I am still amazed at how synchronistic it all seems,  but isn't that always the way?  

Before starting this Practice my home practice was a bit of what I felt like my body needed with more of a focus on a specific pose.  "I really want to do this pose, so I am going to keep working towards it until I get it."  This was fine... but often I found, either; I didn't care enough about whether I got the pose or not to keep me motivated, or, I worked so specifically on this one pose I would end up unbalanced in my body (often on the road to injury) for being remiss in the counter poses.  

This Practice is different.  And teaching me so much.

I have felt/experienced now, how this first course has strategically first, built strength, and once the strength was established, moved on to create opening.  When I recognized this in the practice the other day it got me thinking about taking my practice off the mat.  

Acceptance, vulnerability, openness, release, submission.  All words often encountered in yoga, and all words, often, considered to be passive.  But isn't it the exact opposite?  I will always remember Sjanie theming a class on acceptance and the fire and strength that is required in one person to truly accept another, flaws and all.  And isn't that the truth?  How many people can you say you love completely and entirely, exactly as they are, as opposed to, despite their faults?

In this Practice, I have found myself build physical strength, in all parts of my body, and many times, not long after finding that strength, low and behold I find myself in a pose that then opens that space.  I am now finding myself in poses where, before, I had injured myself because I was opening, opening, opening, just to be able to get there.  Now, however, I am there, as open as when I had pushed to get there, but supported by strength that allows me to be there safely.  

Off the mat, it is the same.  I could be passive.  I could love the amazing people in my life despite their faults.  Or I can build strength.  Continue to work on myself (Self), get to know who I Am, know My code of ethics, and Love the amazing people in my life completely and entirely, exactly as they are.  

Submission does not mean being weak or passive.  It leads to neither fatalism nor capitulation.  Just the opposite.  True power resides in submission––a power that comes from within.  Those who submit to the divine essence of life will live in unperturbed tranquility and peace even when the whole wide world goes through turbulence after turbulence.

The Forty Rules of Love - Elif Shafak

[memyselfandiyengar]

Tis the Season!

Do you celebrate Christmas?  

Yes?  Well, in that case, Merry Christmas!  

No?  Well, in that case, Happy Holidays!

And, in all cases, may you enjoy this potent time of year where the light begins to penetrate the darkness (at least in the Northern Hemisphere) as we cycle in to a New Year filled with the possibility of anything.

Will Duncan did a three part (actually the first three parts of what hopes to become a 21 or 24, I can't remember, part) talk this December, and I was lucky enough to attend them.  In these first three talks Will discussed The Spiritual Path.  They were chock full of information, and in many ways overwhelming, but, ultimately, beautiful and offered, not only a lot for me to consider, but many immediate tools to use to, essentially, be the best version of my Self.  

Throughout the talks Will described a number of Spiritual Paths and in the second day he looked at the consistencies he observed across all different Paths. 

The one that struck me most, and that I feel I have been lacking throughout this Practice, is Reverence.  And, oddly (or maybe beautifully), a few weeks ago, when I felt like I was dragging myself through "the dread" to the mat every. single. day.  I had reflected that I needed to bring something more to the mat, and the word reverence popped up.  

I had this moment of clarity, but, I can't say I entirely succeeded in applying it.  Although I did take a step to get there––getting on an early schedule again, doing my practice when the household is quiet and the trials and tribulations of the day have yet to creep into my awareness––it wasn't until this talk with Will that I felt a fire in my belly to truly revere this Practice. 

I continue to have a lot of work to do, to bring the respect and honour this Practice deserves into my own practice.  And often I find myself encountering fear.  Afraid to revere this Practice in fear of the power it holds.  The changes it can and will create.  But I have this little fire in my belly.  A fire ready to grow and burn brighter... Should I choose to allow it.

[memyselfandiyengar]

This is my Confession.

Yesterday I failed. I did not complete my practice. When I realized, it felt like my stomach split in two. This was at about 5:56 this morning. It’s not that I realized I forgot to do The Practice entirely. I forgot to complete The Practice and didn’t do three poses. THREE POSES.

Now I am not trying to make excuses, but yesterday was a busy day. The past week has been a busy week. Really busy. But we’re all busy. That’s a part of The Practice. And the issue is that, yesterday, I let that busy-ness interfere with my priorities. I allowed myself to completely forget.

I am bummed. Really bummed. And when I told Mike, my husband (I’ll start using his name now), he said “ah, Iyengar would probably say ‘don’t worry about it!’”… I some how doubt that.

However, in an attempt to make up for it, today I did the last three poses of the sequence twice. That is all I can do.

And with depths of Gratitude to Darren Rhodes for sharing a quote some time ago, instead of beating myself up, I hope to

“Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

- Samuel Becket

[memyselfandiyengar]

The straighter I keep my legs in Navasana, the less my hip flexors tend to grip.

(extra)Ordinary Observations

[memyselfandiyengar]

Pros and Cons.

My husband and I met in a Yoga studio.  And not just any studio, but YogaOasis, a place that is very dear to our hearts (not only because we met there).  When I tell people the story of how we met, they usually ask something along the lines of "So you two practice together then?" or exclaim "Awesome!  That's so great you two can practice together." or, somewhat longingly, say "It must be nice to have someone who practices to support you and understand the practice."

Yes, we do practice together.  Yes, it is great we can practice together.  And yes, I consider myself very blessed to have a partner who practices, supports me, and understands what it's all about (and in my case, understands it a lot more than me).  

But to be honest, because that's what this space is about, sometimes it's not all it's cracked up to be.  And so, here is a list of some of the pros and cons I have encountered from having a partner who practices yoga.

PROS:

On some occasions, he practices with me.  There's nothing quite like having the one I love on his mat next to me, especially when I'm struggling to get to the mat in the first place.  Solidarity!

Sometimes it's a competition.  Sometimes all I need is a little friendly competition to go deeper than I knew I could, to discover new strengths, and to realize, YES!, this practice is creating changes.

He asks questions.  As we move through The Practice he'll ask questions about alignment, why one pose is before the other, what the benefits of a pose are.  I love being able to share what I have learned from The Book and my journey thus far.  

He makes me laugh.  When I am getting bogged down by the sheer effort required to be in a pose, one cross-eyed glance from him can be all it takes to bring back the joy and a sense of ease to a pose.  

He observes my practice.  Not only is he a practitioner, but he is also a teacher with a keen eye for alignment.  He keeps an eye on me whether he's practicing or not and will give me cues if I am out of alignment, or suggestions to deepen my practice.

CONS:

On some occasions, he practices with me.  Sometimes I am struggling to get to the mat and it would be so sweet to have the one I love on his mat next to me... But he doesn't want to that day and instead, is playing video games or surfing the net.

Sometimes it's a competition.  Being a touch competitive, stubborn, and having a deep affinity to winning there can be a tendency to go a little deeper or harder than perhaps my body really needs.

He asks questions.  As we move through The Practice he'll ask questions about alignment, why one pose is before the other, what the benefits of a pose are.  Sometimes I just don't know, I am doing as Mr. Iyengar says.  Or worse, sometimes, I am stumped, reference The Book for answer, and realize I wasn't paying attention when I was reading and have been doing it wrong for the past week.

He makes me laugh.  You try doing 40 seconds of Navasana while having a laughing fit.

He observes my practice.  Not only is he a practitioner, but he is also a teacher with a keen eye for alignment.  He keeps an eye on me whether he's practicing or not and will give me cues if I am out of alignment, or suggestions to deepen my practice... Somehow, it seems, the cues and suggestions arrive in abundance on the days where I would have loved to have him on the mat next to me, but instead is playing video games.

So as you can see there are some major variables to weigh before deciding whether or not you should date/marry/be with a practitioner.

Just kidding.

In all seriousness, it comes down to one pro.  The pro of all pros.  The pro to conquer all cons... 

He understands.  

But this doesn't have anything to do with his Asana practice (not directly anyway).  This is because he's a great husband and supports me in my endeavours.

As we said in our vows

We promise to help each other achieve our goals and be willing to compromise if they conflict with our own.