Me..Hannah

[memyselfhanna]

2026 suppose to be the good one. I can't say that I finally found my peace. But, I passed the test for civil servants last year even just 'paruh waktu' terms. I never think of it actually, I just wish that life will be easier and better after all these years. Everyone is really mysterious and suspicious. No one is to be trusted at the end. I have to hold on to my own and my terms. Tired. Surely. Suck. Really.

It's not hate actually, it's just I kinda dislike it until my stomach hurts.

I hate this school because I don't teach my own subject. They prioritize the others that had the power. It's not normal and picky.

I hate this school because of the drama that they cause.

[memyselfhanna]

If You Know, You Know

It's already the third quarter of the year. I'm still stuck in the same ground as the last few years. I admit it's not easy because it turns out really bad, sad, mad and not glad. There are things that must be left unsaid and there are things that's better to be said than to be kept by your own, such as I hate to see my mom works to earn money, I hate to wash dishes because the soap made me bleed. It sucks to be me and to be where I am now.

Then, I tried all the times to be there and present for myself, for the sake of myself. It turns out that I haven't finished my past self. It takes years to be whole after the resignation that I chose for myself. The moment that I decided to resign turning into the self control that I've never gained for all of this time. To be fully in control of your own things, energy, life and future. It's really bad, sad, mad and not glad at all.

Lately, I always try to be the best version of my mature self. Yap, the mature one, maybe. I just don't like the way my brain worked into certain memories. I kept dreaming about the same thing, the person. It turns out, the one that hurts you the most is the closest one. It's true and no denial about that. In the end of this paragraph, I just wish myself well in the future, no more suicidal thoughts, worries or even hatred for the closest one. I just want to be peaceful for my own sake.

[taylorswift]

You belong with me. 💚💛💜❤️🩵🖤

Letter on my site :)

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

"Stop thinking so much. You're breaking your own heart." - Unknown

[memyselfhanna]

You always put someone on the first place, you always do it.

Sometime, They forgot to realize that you're exist.

Don't get mad, it's just your expectation that killed you.

Please, Don't expect anything from anyone. That's it.

[memyselfhanna]

2025

There's always time in everything that I do. I can't beat time. It always runs really well. I just wish sometimes I disappear. Disappear not running away. I wish that everything turns out really well in the end. I just don't want to lose myself.

[memyselfhanna]

Wound

It's getting better now, all the thoughts of my past just gone now.

I just evolve and radiate around the sun, I meet the closest one, my people and kin, but suddenly I realize sometimes the place that you can call as home turning into something that can cut you deeper that you ever thought.

I just wish that all the drama that they can cause before or after becoming something else in the future, maybe something that can change their life. I just wish that.

[taylorswift]

File Name: The Albatross 🤍

Pre-order the new edition of THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT with exclusive bonus track “The Albatross”on my website now

https://taylor.lnk.to/thetorturedpoetsdepartment

📷: Beth Garrabrant

[memyselfhanna]

It's just me and my random thought

There are lots of going on right now. I change, people change, everybody changes. I think the best part of growing up is not just about getting wiser and better. But It's just knowing your worth. It's okay if you pause it, it's okay if you're being under your own mind, it's okay if you're trying and not succeed at all and it's okay if you're feeling loved just one side. It's a part of growing up. Not everything revolves around you sometime. You just have to know that you're worthy and nobody can replace you at all.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

"I’m slowly learning that even if I react, it won’t change anything, it won’t make people suddenly love and respect me, it won’t magically change their minds. Sometimes it’s better to just let things be, let people go, don’t fight for closure, don’t ask for explanations, don’t chase answers and don’t expect people to understand where you’re coming from. I’m slowly learning that life is better lived when you don’t center it on what’s happening around you and center it on what’s happening inside you instead. Work on yourself and your inner peace." - TheMindsJournal

[taylorswift]

Allow me to introduce…The 1989 (my version) Sunrise Boulevard Vinyl Edition💛 Available on my site for the next 48 hours 🥰

taylor.lnk.to/1989TaylorsVersion

[memyselfhanna]

To your wandering mind

I come in peace

I come silently

I come with pain

I just have me in the end of the day

Not less not more

It is me in the end

[memyselfhanna]

My Wandering Eyes

I'm not in the good condition. Maybe because of I'm 30 now. There are lot of things that's going on. There are things that I don't want to look up anymore. It's like I'm waiting a day to pass by and I've done nothing. I wait for the morning comes, then I think that it's better to be noon as soon as possible. After that I've done nothing, I just do nothing. I felt the scar. The scar is still there. I felt it everyday. I have already move on actually, but the scar remains there. Everybody seems to move on very fast, but not me. I meant that 50 percent of me has already done it, but the rest I'm still trying to figure it out why. Maybe I'm just too care for them, always be there for them not for me myself. Maybe I'm just too good for them, thinking that I can change the person by myself. Thinking about hundred possibilities that I've done to them. In the end, I can not change them. I change myself. They were still my first heartbreak after all. All I did care a lot about them, but none of them did the same to me. Maybe they're just another lessons that I learnt in my 20.

(I'm typing this while still doing my academic writing process, I'm still thinking Is it worthy to cry because of them? While They've done nothing to me at all)

Today, I searched about them through post. I opened old pictures of them. I was happy back then, I still do it until now. But the bad memories still playing inside my mind, I still remembered that moment. It kept playing over and over. I mean it's hurt back then but I didn't realize. Then If I think about it again, It will hurt again. The scar won't dry if I kept playing those moments.

I did cherish every moment that I had back then. I did. I just wondering if it's still the same without me there? I just think that I was the center of all. I just think that everything revolved around me. How can I think like that? I'm just the regular one, powerless, just had me at the end of the day. None was there at the end of the day except me, then my mom and dad. At the end of the day, All I had just me, myself and I (Sobbing).

[taylorswift]

In my Eras era. 💅

[memyselfhanna]

it's just random night

in the past few weeks, I can't clear my mind. It's like my morning turned out into night and vice versa. I think still my mind is not clear. The side effects of not knowing what you've done so far, or not knowing anything for your own best really killed you. I guess I didn't walk, I just walk backward, chased my past and never knew that there's future ahead of me.

[memyselfhanna]

Go ahead, you can judge me

I hate to do all the things that I've been told

I hate to do something for someone that didn't respect me back

I hate to do the things that need attention

I hate to do all the things that must be finished on time

I'm tired to compete with others

I'm trying to compete with myself lately

I'm trying to leave all the unimportant things that made me not who I

I'm tired to be play pretend

too tired to complaint or too tired to do all these things.

[memyselfhanna]

Same place same story

As we touch and go, we realize the things that make us human is the heart. Heart that really wants to see the truth behind everything and not to judge, heart that loves to see the goodness in somebody. Sometimes, it's the heart that makes us weak and without it, we are helpless.

[memyselfhanna]

Dear My Monday

If we talk about life, it's really interesting. Every day you wake up and end up your day in your own bed and doing the same things again all over again in a day. I mean, in between of your own routines, you have an interaction with the others. You build some kind of connections with them even they're mean to you. You just see right through them, no matter how mean them to you, or how annoying they are in your life. You just decide their personalities based on their interactions, gesture or words. Even the smallest things from them becomes the addition to your own perceptions.

Right now, I have been seeing somebody in the different shape and life. The one that I met accidentally was two grown up men, they talked and chatted as a long lost friend, they have a long deep talk about something that was really common, 'food', the one that they ate at that time. I mean it's not the boring things to do, to chat about food as long as it's with your own friends.

Then, now I met my fellow 2014 co-worker. I think he changed his professions based on their own education. A lot of things changed from him. A lot of things changed and I think I'm not supposed to comment about it and maybe he didn't realize it was me that ever interacted with him and we met because it's just a coincidence in life. Then I just have a romantic theory, is it possible for me to have a romantic relationships with the one that you met coincidently just like in the drama without having feeling attached to him or me. Maybe a little bit play of romantic things to fulfill the circle in this life just like everybody else, without something attached like love in between.