[mendingandtranscending]

~is there hope?~

Sometimes I feel like I’ve become too independent,

I’ve mended then transcended because of how each story ended

The way I feel now is not something I expected

I got tired of this broken heart, I had to protect it

[mendingandtranscending]

as the sun sets, please let my thoughts rest

[mendingandtranscending]

I was swept in your waves

I thrilled in the ride

Until we reached the surface

And that night returns to me as water ripples

quiet sobs caught in the sand

The bitter taste of heartbreak lingering in the breeze

My mind still clings to that last night with you

Endless tears

Hopelessly wiping off each other’s faces

Just for more to fall

Synchronized sobs

The night mocking our pain with rain

It didn’t have to be this way

I reluctantly face the truth with her scolding expression, unable to comprehend the stubbornness in my soul

Acceptance is far off in the distance, always too far behind

I keep hope as my prisoner, I refuse to let go

I want to stay here in the in-between

If I can’t have you then let me continue to hope

I exposed every part of myself to you

My fears

intricately woven into my bones

My heart

every beat belongs to you

My soul

tethered to yours since the beginning

My hopes

for the future you couldn’t see

The future you flung into the water

I dove in to save it, it’s all that’s ever made me feel secure

Like an anchor

I sink to the bottom

With stones in my chest

Why did I see a future so clear it felt like I could step right into it if I wanted?

Why do you feel like being enveloped in warmth on a crispy cold day?

Why did it feel like God placed you in my path with the intent to keep you there?

If not, for what reason?

The truth is you can have everything you’ve ever wanted

You can taste the success, sweet as honey

Bathe in love and lust, the fire of it heating your bones

It doesn’t mean it’s yours if it’s not meant to be.

I felt the gentle yet firm tug of you preparing to slip out of my grasp

I held on as tight as I could

It was never going to matter

The love was easy to claim

But maybe it was not meant to stay

[mendingandtranscending]

Sometimes I think about how being alone felt so much happier than this. In a way. With love comes heartbreak, hurt, headaches. It felt like I spent years building and growing into someone I love and treasure. Then I meet someone and I didn’t think I could be any happier than that. How could I forget the years of work I put into myself, FOR myself, just for someone to get swept up in me, take everything I have to give, then leave?

“I don’t think I’m ready.”

But why did you act like you were? Why didn’t you think of this when you realized I opened myself up to you, let myself be vulnerable to you, put my security in what I hoped would be delicate hands?

Is this my fault for letting my guard down? Was I delusional? Why didn’t I see it coming? Could I have stopped it? Am I the problem? Is it something I said? Something I did? Is there someone else? Was I not what he thought I was?

Enough. Enough.

You’re more than enough, start acting like it.

It doesn’t feel like I only lost you… it feels like I lost a little bit of myself. It kind of feels like I’m back to square one. The beautiful woman I spent years building up, the woman he fell for, the love I had for myself left with him. I’m not sure how that happened.

I don’t know who I’m becoming but I pray it’s someone beautiful. I don’t want this hurt to turn me ugly. I need to trust that everything is always going according to plan. There’s always a reason and that reason will reveal itself in time.

[vexheart]

This

[aidashakur]

Healing happens in circles, not lines. You will return to old places with new eyes.

[scorpionlafemme]

Every version of you was necessary. Even the ones you’re ashamed of.

[mendingandtranscending]

everything I could ever want, in one person

[mendingandtranscending]

There’s so much that I want to do in life. But sometimes I feel stuck. Like the things I want are impossible to obtain. I know that’s not true, but life makes it hard to easily go after what you want.

I suppose that’s the beauty of life, innit? You work hard for what you want, whether that’s picking up extra work to save money, actively working on yourself to be better, disciplined, kind, respectful, strong, etc. Once you do the hard work, then you can reap the rewards. A new car, vacation, new relationship, fixing your relationship with your family, friends.

I have to remind myself that not everything is handed to me on a silver platter. How do you think I got this job? The degree(s)? I worked hard through heartbreak, pain, and most importantly, change. Then I got the degree, I got the job. I enjoyed this for a long time, this version of me left a draining relationship while also making the biggest sacrifice I could have ever had to make. I’ve lived life after with gratitude, love, and better health.

But now I want more.

And it’s okay to want more.

It’s just getting my mind back on the grind. Thinking about what exactly it is that I want and doing the work to get there.

I want to travel, I want a meaningful romantic relationship, I want a new career. I want to live comfortably.

I’m tired of the cycle. I’m so grateful for the woman I’ve been these past few years but it’s time for another transformation. It’s time for some motion. I can’t go from one miserable situation to another. Not that I’m miserable. I’m just here. And I need more purpose than that.

[mendingandtranscending]

This passage reminds me of the thin line between self-worth and desire. The final questions “Isn’t this worth it? Isn’t she worth it?” both can be taken within the context of sex (which is exactly what’s happening in the passage).

Isn’t it worth it to feel this good? To have someone’s undivided attention on you, IN you. Knowing you’re making them feel good too. Aren’t you worth it?

Sometimes it’s easy to directly connect sex to self-worth. That feeling is like a drug, especially if it’s not getting validated anywhere else.

But desire does not equate to self-worth. Only YOU can decide your worth. This happens through your actions, the choices you make, the choices you don’t make. The choices that were really hard to make but you had to do it, FOR YOURSELF.

This scene hit home for me as I’m someone who teeters between self-worth and desire time and time again. The desire always seems worth it. I’m mentally mature now, I can handle it. I LOVE myself, so long as I’m guarded I can get what I want from this.

Wrong.

I forgot that I’m a romantic. I can’t take my feelings out of anything even if I think I’m pretending. (I LOVE YOU! 😭)

And I get my feelings hurt in the end no matter what.

I know I’m worth it. And there are many ways that aren’t sex to validate that.

So, is it worth it?

[mendingandtranscending]

you don’t need context to feel all the emotions.

[ragegardener]

how to be wanted

i want to be loved for my mind—

for the way i turn thoughts over

until they shine,

for the soft precision of my words.

but people don’t stay for philosophy.

they stay for warmth,

for skin,

for the illusion of closeness they can touch.

so i let them.

i know how to make hunger look like love,

how to turn devotion into performance.

it’s easier to be wanted

than to be known.

knowing demands listening,

and listening always reveals

what people wish you’d keep quiet.

i tell myself i’m in control—

that i’m choosing this—

but it always ends the same:

me, stripped down to apology,

trying to remember which part of me

they came here for.

and when they leave,

they take the room’s warmth with them

and leave me naked with my mind—

which was all i wanted them to see

in the first place.

[mendingandtranscending]

9/23/25

Secret Summer Sadness

(unfinished)

The self-created illusion

Leaves too much space for confusion

Tell me how you really feel, I ain’t Confucius

Am I supposed to trust words or actions? The actions are there but the communication lackin

I’ve gone back and forth, forth and back

So many times, I been lost track

[ragegardener]

a study in contradictions

it’s a funny thing

to be a person made of both hope and sorrow,

to hold light in one hand and ash in the other

and still not know which to let go of.

I am equal parts

optimist and pessimist,

devoted and disillusioned.

I scream, “I should have known,”

and whisper back, “but we are built for love.”

because aren’t we?

aren’t we vessels designed to pour and be poured into,

to risk the breaking just to feel full again?

we cannot love if we do not try—

and yet each attempt feels like another small death.

so I live inside this contradiction,

this endless tug-of-war

between the ache and the reaching,

between the quiet knowing and the wild hope.

maybe that’s what it means to be human—

to always be a little at war,

always negotiating the truce

between heart and reason.

[mendingandtranscending]

I actually feel bad for you.

You carry so much envy and jealousy in your heart that you don’t leave room for genuine love. You’re so full of hate even your “lover” can see right through it. You’re so clouded YOU can’t even see it. It’s pathetic. I can’t even feel bad because of every horrible awful thing you’ve said to me, about me. The way you have slandered me online to this day. Do you have anything better to do? If this is what keeps you busy…

I feel so bad for you actually.

Imagine you’re soooo worried about what I’m doing. Who I’m with. What I’m saying. And I don’t give two, three, TEN shits what you even think of me. Same goes for your “lover,” A.K.A. my evil ex. Why the fuck do you still subtweet me clown? I imagine it only infuriates her knowing that you are actively thinking about me. It makes her soooo mad that you can’t erase me from your head. She tried to give you a baby to distract you but apparently even that did not. I’m still on your mind just as much as I’m on hers.

And I feel bad for you.

The relationship you two created was based on the hatred yall manifested for me and that alone. Pathetic!

I feel so bad for yall.

[mendingandtranscending]

-from my notes (unfinished)

Why does it feel like the same lessons are on repeat?

I pray for a sign and instead get sent dead beats

Disguised sublime, but it’s a dead end street

I try to give it time, I’m running out of energy

I gotta get back on my feet

I can’t get up, the cycle left me weak

Sometimes I wonder if I’m better off with just me

But I can’t hug me from behind,

Trace a gentle finger down my spine

I can’t get lost in my own skin wondering what happened to the time

I sit my demons down

It’s time for a heart to heart

I’m sick and tired of going back to the start

Hop in the DeLorean—88 mph, great Scott

Who do I thank for where I am now

Was it the me that dealt with you

Was it my friends who stuck it thru

Even when I had no clue

That it would be a disaster, me and you

Was it the universe speaking to me in riddles

Was it the demons I feel like I been fighting since I was little?

Was it the version of me that I thought you killed?

Anyhow, here I am

Life went from a 2 to a 10

Thinking of where I could have been

That version of me is a ghost

The ghost becomes the ghosted

You was boastin and roastin

Shouting from the coast about the life you’ve chosen

You coulda had a good thing, I think you know it

I take everything as a lesson

Because ain’t no way I was destined for this stressin

There’s gotta be a reason for the depression

There’s no beginning without an ending

[mendingandtranscending]

Sometimes it makes me sick thinking about where I’m at in my life. I’m ready to build with someone. I’m tired of staying stagnant, I want someone to help motivate me, push me. I want to grow with someone and be proud of each other when we look back at how far we’ve come.

I want the consistency of love, sex, quality time. I want to wake up knowing that’s my person and I’m theirs. I’m ready to be a girlfriend. With the right person.

Why don’t I meet the right one who wants the same thing from me? Men nowadays just want sex but will drag it out, waste time, play with your feelings just to get it. They’re on a different timeline than me most of the time. I wonder how the women around me find men who are willing to commit and be loyal.

Am I the problem? Every man I actually want to commit to never seems to be ready. And then I realize that I’m that woman to the men who want to commit to me, but I’m not ready. Why are we stuck in this perpetual cycle of wanting and lusting after those who don’t want us, while ignoring those who do?

I want to be patient. I want to believe that the right person will find me. We’ll both be ready for each other. It will feel right. But sometimes I wonder if we all ever really get a happy ending? Am I going to be the “successful woman ends up alone” statistic? This isn’t what I wanted. I wanted to be able to provide for myself and not rely on anyone for help. I wanted to be equal to a deserving man and be the woman he brags about to the followers, colleagues of his own success.

Instead I’m alone. Grasping at any attention thrown my way because I’m so desperate for a connection, touch, sex, love….that I’ll chase it even if it’s just a facade. At least it makes me feel something. But I don’t want to live like this anymore. It’s pathetic. It’s desperate and that is something I keep running away from but am never fast enough.

Truly I’m patient and I know I’m deserving. But a bitch is getting discouraged. I’ve waited a long time, given many chances. My energy is spent. I’m not even going to have the energy when the right one does come along. Perhaps I won’t need it. Because it will feel effortless. One can only hope. Dream. Pray.