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@mentalillnessnotebook
I think I'm finally doing better.
I've been taking Lexapro for a while, finally came back home for the summer, and things feel good. Aside from the occasional hangover or rough day at work, I finally feel good about where I'm going in my life.
If you're still following this blog for any reason, just know that things really do get better.
I need to throw my phone to the other end of the room and just go to fucking sleep.
Today I start Lexapro. I'm also switching to a lower dose of bupropion before I can drop it completely. Praying that I can survive the changes and that I come out the other end a better man.
I don't think the medication is working.
either this medication kicks in and starts working its magic when it's supposed to or I stop taking it and start drinking again. those are the only two options.
eh. fuckin whatever, I guess.
I passed the date that this medication should start working and was even bumped up to a higher dosage, but it's not doing shit. I think my mental health was worse the first week on the higher dose.
Psychiatrist said if I wanted I could switch to Lexapro, which is what my dad takes, so hopefully that works better than bupropion. I also know that my dad drinks and Lexapro shouldn't give me risk of seizures if I get drunk, so that's absolutely a plus. I've been drinking non alcoholic beer for about 3 months now, but knowing that I'll be able to go back to regular beer sometime this year makes things feel a lot more manageable.
either this medication kicks in and starts working its magic when it's supposed to or I stop taking it and start drinking again. those are the only two options.
can a person reach true enlightenment, only for the realization and purity to fade away again, and to be stuck back in limbo?
It's happened to me more times than I can count.
can a person reach true enlightenment, only for the realization and purity to fade away again, and to be stuck back in limbo?
God, I wish I could cry more easily when I'm alone, and not in front of other people where it makes things awkward and worse. My body won't let me cry when I actually want to, but I'm stressed and I need any kind of relief I can get right now.
waking up and having to convince myself that I still know who I am
I am alive in the worst way possible.
Big news for all four of my followers: I'm going to finally start taking antidepressants.
The only problem is, I'm considered a binge drinker, so I'm gonna have to drop drinking/get myself down to a healthy amount of drinks per night if I want to take this medication and not rush seizures. October is going to be my last month of binge drinking, and then after that, I'm quitting.
I've reached out to my friends and let them know, so I should have a good support circle for this. Hopefully by December, I'll finally start to be a normal, well adjusted person.
seven hour for me to finish and submit two (three) assignments.
just enough time for me to fuck everything in my life up beyond repair, and yet have nothing changed at all.
waiting for my boyfriend to come online so I can tell him the news but I feel bad because he fell asleep really late and had to postpone his doctor's visit today because the medicine he was taking was making him sick, and I don't want to have him wake up just to me venting and being a little bitch
don't rely on your notes app on your phone like I did. get a small pocket sized notebook and write everything from todo's and shopping lists to your most batshit insane thoughts on paper. this shit is much more grounding I think. (i say as I type this into tumblr)
i'm so sick of coughing and having to work through the nausea to not puke. I sweat to God puking feels so much easier, but then I have to deal with cleaning it up and apparently it's not socially acceptable or whatever.
Anyways, I should probably write a quick update here, in case I decide to look back and see where my life was at during this specific period of time.
My parents are finally open to the idea of me dropping school and working. Took some convincing from both me and my boyfriend. They gave me the choice, but for some reason I decided to go back to school. At least for another semester or two, I want to take this time to get my mental (and physical) health checked out to see if I'm really a bad student or just need to pop some pills to get shit done. I'm also using it as an excuse so that I'll have more time to get a plan made for once I'm out of college, because I want to keep working on my personal projects and I don't think working full time at the factory is a good fit for me.
I finally messaged my counselor back, and apparently we have a psychiatrist that comes to the health tent on campus every Monday. Must've been a new change. Apparently the health provider changed, but when I got the email a year or two ago I thought it was talking about the health tent being shut down for good. Anyways, I finally managed to make an appointment, I will see the school psychiatrist in October.
Other than that, still trying to find out how to be human like the rest of the people around me. Still scared of getting myself locked into a life path that I'm gonna regret and won't be able to escape from. Everyone around me fucking hates their jobs, and since employment is at least 80% of everyone's day, I would prefer to find one that makes good money AND doesn't make me miserable (impossible task, I know). I pray that in the coming months I finally figure out what's wrong with me and end up bettering myself. or at least being able to make more art with my friends.