viaandreaa

god.

[mentalramblingss]

2025.

an ode to all the lifetimes lived within this digital sphere.

[mentalramblingss]

10.27.2023

i just realized… i am going to be a poet forever.

[mentalramblingss]

08.17.2022

..here is what comes next. 3,000 miles away from a life i can never return to. acclimating, no one ever tells you how hard it is to pick up, leave & stay gone. if i could i would have returned home a few times by now.. what is home? i think that is the question i will began to ask myself... i dont know, i am just lost and sad.

[mentalramblingss]

06.01.2022

writing this in my empty room as i prepare to move 3,000 miles away from everything i have known for the last 14 years & start a brand new life in washington.  while this is the type of adventure i have always longed for. starting over and beginning anew has always been the cataylst for something beautiful and poetic, it has also been incredibly exhausting. i have spent the last week saying “good-bye” more than i have ever cared to.  what its the hardest things to leave are the things that saved me. my bed. my plants. the scent. the open window and sunshine. the park. my run. the trees. i remeber all the moments i didn’t think i would survive. the moments that broke me so deeply, the space i was in, the ways in which i have healed.. ..all of that happened, here. the loss. the gain. the loss again. the unbecoming and the becoming. happened here. in this space. how can i not be a little sad to leave the safest space i have ever known. 

these are the moments and times that need to be documented, this is the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new. this is an experience very few can understand and relate to.. because who literally picks up and starts all over? what am i doing? what am i doing? what am i doing? what am i doing? a phrase i keep repeating to myself. this year has changed me in so many ways. this year i became the person i always wanted to be and realized even then one is still not full. this year i faced myself. this year i fell in love. this year i trusted love. i want to remember this moment always. i want to remember these feelings even though they are always fleeting. i want to remember both the heaviness and excitment that fills this empty space as i type this entery. i have come so so far. cheers to whatever is next.....

[mentalramblingss]

who i am when i leave, is never who i am when i arrive.

[mentalramblingss]

07.16.20

i feel like someone just handed me a pair of scissors & told me to “cut away all the things that aren’t serving you..” & once i finished i looked up only to realize i cut away everything except myself..

[mentalramblingss]

07.11.20

welcome back. rereading old words will always tap into who that person was. i have shed so much of myself.  birthed & new

i am coming here seeking peace & a space to put words. times are strange and murky.

i am so lost.

making it out of this time alive and whole is the goal..  consciously practicing tenderness, reminding myself to feel all of this.  the sadness. the angst. the confusion. the fear. the loss.  allowing all of it to come and go.  sitting with these moods like an uncomfortable stomach ache. 

the endings of friendships are almost as deep as the loss of love. letting people go has never been my forte. learning to let what is dead stay dead. not returning to grave sites of past relationships.. realizing the tax i have to pay when allowing those ghost back into my life. cutting cords to the things that no longer serve you.   i have these sissors in my hand, i’ve cut away at everything around me i look up & i am alone.  i have got to sit with it. and let it pass.

let it pass let it pass let it pass

[mentalramblingss]

09.28.18

time.

everything is temporary.

& sometimes things come full circle, in a way.

to look back at the parts of myself that i’ve let die & bury...

to come back to an old death with new wounds.

i can’t even tell you where it hurts & why.

this time, the only one who can save myself is me.

i’m always worried about who can & cannot save me that i don’t realize i am still on fire.

still bleeding.

still burning.

withdrawing myself from everyone.

finding the source within.

finding myself.

reintroducing myself to myself.

30...29... years in.

i can’t even believe i’m here and i am decorated in this skin.

this is what 29 looks like for me.

& maybe that is both the source and the wound

years fly by when your not really thinking about them & become an impossible pill to swallow when you are.

dear self, don’t ever settle when it comes to love.

the eagerness feel it all will has robbed me.

stand rooted in who you are becoming but also be open to anyone willing to bring you light.

be light.

be light.

come back when it all makes a little bit more sense..

i love you,

julian.

[mentalramblingss]

i wanted revenge, but god gave me peace..

[mentalramblingss]

i met a virgo once.

she told me she could love me how i’ve always wanted to be loved.

she also said, she knows i could love her the same in return.

she was also in a committed relationship.

it sucks.

the end.

[mentalramblingss]

01.11.18

healing.

the stages of sadness are so deep and hollow and multidimensional..

i guess it never really lasts.

that’s the beauty in it all.

i can read these entries and realize how much of myself i shed; how much has grown and is still growing.

i survived this.

i am amazed with myself and honestly i used to think we save ourselves, but we dont.

other people help us save ourselves.

endless odes to the saviors.

[mentalramblingss]

12.23.17

...& then it passed; as all things do.

[thedapperproject]

I’ve survived a lot of things, and I’ll probably survive this.

I repost this every time it comes up on my dash. Because I need this reminder several times a day. (via amandaq62)

[mentalramblingss]

11.14.17

giving time, some time.

it worked in a sense.

i’m still here, living & healing.

time really makes it a lot more easier. there are days and moments when the ache returns & is dressed in soft memories. to go back there; i cannot. my heart aches for something that will never be, i guess never was.

i’m finding peace in it all.

the questions i’ll never get answers to.

closure.

i guess it isn’t always necessary.

& truly it doesn’t matter.

i have so many people in my life right now who have kept me alive.

people i will literally die for.

people who will forever be tied to one of the most difficult times of my life.

friendships i have for life, because of this.

my heart is genuinely filled with gratitude.

manifesting so much right now.

i just want the universe to bless me with what & who i need.

i want to leave this note here for myself, to remember that it doesn’t last.

it hurts, it heals.

it’s okay.

i’m so proud of you.

[mentalramblingss]

10.07.17

Sadness is such a deep emotion felt on so many realms..

It’s the type of thing that hurts both physically and mentally.

Something you can’t take medicine for to make it go away.

It’s gotta be felt, like really felt.

I feel sadness on such an intimate scale.

I’ve been so sad lately.

I’m still sad.

It’s okay.

It’s okay to be honest with your feelings sometimes.

It’s okay to tell the world your hurting.

We all hurt.

I guess that’s where I’m at right now.

This sadness didn’t kill me.

It hurts most days, as it’s intended to.

I’m going to refrain from spilling out on such a public platform.

Sometimes some things just need to be felt & kept to self.

I survived.

I’m healing, s l o w l y.

I have people around me to remind me to stop & feel.

Just wanted to put this here to remind myself that it’s okay...

Be easy with yourself, Julian.

[mentalramblingss]

9.21.17

I’m waiting for an apology.

To wake up one morning to a message that says “I’m sorry for who I’ve been, I can’t believe I did this to you - forgive me..”

It’s been a month, I keep waking up everyday...

& sometimes you never get an apology.

I guess that’s where I’m at...

I wish I wasn’t always overflowing with emotion. This person who feels everything on such a deep level..

I poured my entire soul into someone who just like walked away like I was nothing.

How. Is. That. Even. Possible?

I don’t even know....

[mentalramblingss]

9.9.17

It still sucks.

It still hurts - it feels like it will always hurt.

I just wanna tell you so much, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. I can just cry.

I just miss you.

But it doesn’t even matter.