Dear Degenerate Asshole Madam: Yesterday you hit the jackpot. You scored yourself a Louis Vuitton Wallet. Congratulations! Oh, you don't know what that is? Its the fine-ass purse you stole off the top of some distracted, unsuspecting woman's table yesterday. That woman would be me, and I'm fucking enraged slightly miffed. Yes, I understand that you probably needed the cash in my wallet for your next meth fix diapers. I get that; really, I do. But couldn't your skanky ass you have just taken the cash and left the wallet? I've had it for six years; it's one of the few things I have for myself from fashion valley. The zipper doesn't even reliably work anymore, but it's filled with memories. Yes, I know that you thought my credit cards would come in handy. But I had those cancelled before you made it to the corner store for your Mickey's Malt Liqor and cigarettes, bitch school supplies. And the DMV knows my driver's license number was stolen, so the driver's license won't do you a damn bit of good, even if by some miracle you looked even slightly like me or thought of stealing my identity. (But I know you weren't planning that, silly.) You can use my Costco Shopping card if you'd like, though. I didn't cancel it. Yes, I realize that you think my wallet looks fantastic with your crack whore chic wardrobe. However, that wallet will never hold memories for you. You'll never be able to say your aunt picked it out all on her own one Christmas, then sent you on a scavenger hunt to find it, filled with Butterfingers, at the end. But you'll have memories, too, girl. Like, remember that one time I saw that woman minding her own business at the Hookah Lounge and she had her wallet and so I stole that mofo? Those were the days! Oh, yes, I'm certain that my gift cards will make one of your young 'uns very happy. But what will the other five think of you playing favorites? Oh, I know; just tell them they can have something out of the next purse you steal. That will fix everything. Thank you Fuck off and die, MerXs P.S. I really and sincerely hope that karma is real and that you will be reincarnated as a pubic louse living on a meth addict. 🙏🏽
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