i'm a mess ;

mercer aberdeen. twenty-five. district four. 67th victor.

[remus-ashcraft-deactivated20141]

It doesn’t make sense to me at all, so don’t ask me to explain.

[merceraberdeen-blog]

[ nods ]

[remus-ashcraft-deactivated20141]

I doubt that.  He thinks i’m a rodent and has a thing for throwing things at my head.

[merceraberdeen-blog]

[ 'A rodent?' ]

[remus-ashcraft-deactivated20141]

I wish it was…

It was Cord….who brought it up.  And I just wanted to prove him wrong for once, and all that did was prove him right.  And I’ve….been dealing with some of this since I was at least five……..so I don’t know.  I want it to be, but it’s not.

[merceraberdeen-blog]

[ 'Maybe he's really trying to help you.' ]

[remus-ashcraft-deactivated20141]

I guess you’re right.

[merceraberdeen-blog]

[ writes 'So don't let some asshole tell you that there's something wrong wiht you. Maybe there is, but I don't care. Shouldn't that be enough?' ]

[remus-ashcraft-deactivated20141]

Maybe.  I don’t know.

It just seems like everything’s been flipped over and backwards and I don’t know how to make sense of anything anymore.  Like I still wake up every morning thinking your dead and you’re obviously not….so I don’t know how….how that supports your claim.

[merceraberdeen-blog]

[ writes 'Because you're my husband, and if I wouldn't have married you if I didn't think you were a perfect fit for my life' ]

[remus-ashcraft-deactivated20141]

-sighs and looks at the floor- I really wish I could believe that….

[merceraberdeen-blog]

[ writes 'As long as one person believes it, that's all that matters' ]

[remus-ashcraft-deactivated20141]

Okay….good.

[merceraberdeen-blog]

[ continues to think about what he said earlier, and quickly tries to find something to write on and something to write with until he just grabs the medical clipboard from the end of the bed and writes on the back fo it saying 'Nothing is wrong with you. You're perfect.' ]

[remus-ashcraft-deactivated20141]

You don’t mind if I stay do you?  Because I’ve really missed you….and I know part of that is my fault for being not here….but……..yeah.

[merceraberdeen-blog]

[ shakes head and smiles bfeore easing himself down on the bed again ]

[remus-ashcraft-deactivated20141]

[merceraberdeen-blog]

[ breaks the kiss and makes a small motion to get Remus's attention to his lips and mouths 'I love you too' ]

[remus-ashcraft-deactivated20141]

-squeezes his hand back-

I love you.  

[merceraberdeen-blog]

[ is unable to say it back, so instead, he stands up on wobbly footing and kisses his husband ]

[remus-ashcraft-deactivated20141]

-sighs- I really don’t know what you want me to do Merc.

[merceraberdeen-blog]

[ frowns, looking at Remus's left hand before slowly and shakily reaching out for it, scared he'd pull back on him, before his fingers gently enclose around it, his thumb brushing across the wedding ring that sat on his ring finger ]

[remus-ashcraft-deactivated20141]

Okay…..can’t talk…….I get that.

[merceraberdeen-blog]

[ shakes his head and almost reaches for him, but hesitates, looking up at him pathetically ]

[remus-ashcraft-deactivated20141]

And…..I found out…….I’ve probably got this mental disorder that makes me act weird…..so……um…..I really wish I knew more of how to help you…….but I don’t….

[merceraberdeen-blog]

[ slowly looks up and looks at him funny, his lips make movement but nothing comes out ]

[remus-ashcraft-deactivated20141]

Um…..okay.

I missed you.

[merceraberdeen-blog]

[ slowly nods, sniffling ]

[remus-ashcraft-deactivated20141]

Hey…….are you alright?

Wait…probably not a good question. Never mind.  Just….do you need something?

[merceraberdeen-blog]

[ looks up and sees Remus, hears his question, and hesitates. He wants him to touch him, but remembers what happened the last time he offered, and just looks down at his shaking hands ]

[merceraberdeen-blog]

[ hears something and looks up from his place on the infirmary bed ]

[rvroxie]

Now let’s go. We only have 48 hours to get there.

[merceraberdeen-blog]

Right. [ continues briskly walking ] They're going to broadcast this, you know this, don't you?