[blessedstar]

you think of me as

a statue in an art museum

sculpted, painted, glossed to perfection

and holding an attractive pose

i can’t live under that pressure

i’m alive and clumsy

i’m always moving and changing form

my beauty will never be frozen perfectly in place

and i can’t glaze over myself to become faultless

i’m asymmetrical, uneven, odd

but you deny me my humanity

you deny me life

you think i’m a statue meant to hold the form that you’ve shaped me into with your imagination

you see me as a clay sculpture molded into your fixations and fascinations

to be preserved, studied, and interpreted

but i’m complex, tangled, and twisted

i’m the product of continuous, evolving thought

i’m indefinite

to love me is to love the various, raw layers that i consist of

and to love what i might become

my beauty will never be frozen perfectly in place

- mizan

[mercurysmusing]

seen/true

i was listened to and seen

i never thought that could mean so much

i was taught to never need an ear

to never need a touch

but i was peeked inside of and felt

with a warmth that could make me melt

a comfort i forgot to need

in a place where it's safe to bleed

i was read and reflected upon

someone cared to know me deeply

someone cared to explore me inside and out

and then decide to keep me

and i never knew that could mean so much

i was asked about what makes me myself

and reminded what effect i've had

and all of a sudden

it didn't matter if i was good or bad

for i was true

i was listened to and seen

and it didn't matter if i was nice or mean

or something in between

for i was true

i was read and reflected upon

and it didn't matter if i'd lost or won

or gave up before i'd begun

for i was real

i never thought that could mean so much

to ramble on about such and such

and to be asked just what it all means

and it wouldn't matter if it were dirty or clean

i'd be listened to and seen

and i'd be true

[mercurysmusing]

brand new

i'm new everywhere i go

especially to places i already been

i'm always made anew by the time i visit again

'cause this time won't be like the last

especially with all i know now

and every time things end,

i know i'm 'bout to begin

as me and my past let go and make amends,

me and my present make friends

and every where i go i'm brand new

i'm new to every one i meet

especially to those who knew me in the past

i'm always reborn innocent with a slate so clean

and this time won't be like the last

especially with all i'm learning

like a phoenix, i never fret when i'm burning

for i know i'll be rising and returning

i'm only a baby, and God knows it too

every time i learn, it seems i never had a clue

so with every transformation i leave parts of me behind

and let myself be reborn brand new

[mercurysmusing]

glowing eyes

voices call for me to shrink

someone's wanting me to hide

i see no need to retreat

haven't seen a threat arise

feeling watched, stalked, and seen

they can't approach if not disguised

pupils fashing red and green

shadows lit with glowing eyes

i am armed with love and charm

i'd fell one if not for grace

i don't need to be alarmed

at something that can’t show it’s face

feeling watched, stalked, and seen

if approached, i'm not surprised

i spot pupils, red and green

shadows lit with glowing eyes

Njeri =warrior ; belonging to warriors

[mercurysmusing]

my skin is mending

and the pain has passed

my wounds are no longer fresh

a scar adorns me where i was burned

telling stories on my flesh

i've grown attached to my marks

i burned and earned the scars i wear

i dread the day i study myself

and i find nothing there

i'm not opposed to healing

or relieving myself of pain

but i tend to miss the scars that fade

i don't see them as flaws or stains

they decorate my body

they illustrate where i've been

they remind me that i can survive

if i go there again

[mercurysmusing]

lip lock

tucked away tight on this private night,

our love is undisclosed

their breath is a warm whisper

and only i can hear

a quiet kiss shared in the shadows

won't leave the comfort of this blanket of darkness 

there's something about

how their eyes glow at night

it tends to draw me near

we won't be exposed, even under this moonlight

the moon is in on our secret too

it understands what we're protecting

it watches and waits while we're connecting

it knows the romance of an untold moment,

shared and kept between two

now we never ran from the sun, not at all

nor the prying eyes that seek to know

but there is no need to perform our closeness

and our love is not for show

every time i extend my hand,

i reach love

and that is enough evidence

someone is here

present for me

my lips brush theirs

and gently lock

and we throw away the key

[mercurysmusing]

sweet revenge

if my blood spills by the hands of man,

don't leave me craving sweet revenge

as my flesh rots, my teeth will remain

for my tongue knows it still has blood to claim

a sweet tooth like mine craving honeyed vengeance

can only rot away once satiated

whoever shares my rage

should spread it about like a plague

and i'll wait for the one who'll avenge me someday

but if my enemy breathes too long after slaying me

just know, i'm not at peace

once man pierces my flesh, i'll never rest

so don't hurry to dig my grave

unless you have served the retribution i crave

[mercurysmusing]

palm reading

i won't make you say it

if it's too hard to say

but you know i got to know

trace the letters in my palm

if you can't tell me with your eyes

'cause it's hard to keep them glued to mine

you better lean in and give me your breath

and pray you can keep calm

if you can't, that's even better

'cause i like to see you tremble

take my hand and trace those letters

you gotta tell me you love me

one day this part won't be scary

and it won't be such a tough thang

just like ocean waters in a storm,

new love can be a rough thang

but no matter how hard it seems

or how little you think it means

you must take my hand and spell it out

you gotta tell me you love me

[mercurysmusing]

eroding

i'm a flower in an empty field

on a dry, deserted land

woeful and wilting

petalless and pitiful

i remember when i was pretty,

but beauty has escaped my prison of a being

where it was held hostage

no knight in sight

my dead, crisp petals,

the pieces of myself that have broken away and fallen

are tumbling across this starved land

and i'm left with only the parts that i could cling to

the parts that i could retain

i'm a blue mountain consumed by fog

on a chilled, murky midnight

hopeless yet hoping

handsome and helpless

undiscovered, uncharted and still eroding away slowly

the grainy dust flies with the rushing wind,

they are the parts of me that were broken down

they were unsustainable, they couldn't hold on

not meant to coexist with the rest of me forever

i am shaped by what collides with my solid surface

these winds and storms take away pieces from my glorified structure

they leave me with only my truest remains

and the memory of when i felt so much bigger than i was

but i am not lessened by what impacts me or what leaves me

i am only changed

[mercurysmusing]

Pleaser (2/17/2021)

I keep staring down my reflection

Looking for my satisfaction in lips parted to receive, sick of servicing

In eyes begging to receive, weary from delivering

I've seen myself a million times but I'm always unprepared

I'm looking for my seduction to bring to my surface and to bury my struggle beneath, but sensuous smiles seldomly mask the scarring that taints my skin

My senses are way too good to ignore the soft scent of longing that lingers from my breath

I cannot yet reach what I long for, so I think I'll provide what you want instead

I'm looking for messages in your movements, reading you for instructions

Tell me what you want?

How you want it?

I keep trying to distort my mind

I want to forget some things

My eyes are closed tight as I weep for all my wishes

I been working for all my wanting and I reek of desire

In the mirror, I trace my whole body with my eyes

Feeling the heat between my thighs,

I'm burning with yearning

I'm looking for a glimpse of myself in the bubbles of my bath where I can't wash away that scent

Knowing somebody might sniff me out, it's no surprise that it's you again

You're back for more and I don't mind

I size you up, study your ways

I learn your manner and come to find that you're easier for me to observe

I keep staring at my reflection

I'm searching for my spirit in eyes that have seen too much but still not enough

In the body that's beared plenty pain but still doesn't know half of the pain that it'll know in this lifetime

I gaze at my reflection, hoping it becomes as real as you seem to me

'Cause once the sensation leaves you, I probably won't exist no more

Now won't you tell me what you want from me?

How you want it?

[mercurysmusing]

cleaning & mending

it's a special kind of pain

when you're washing a raw wound

or cutting open infected flesh

to let what doesn't belong seep out

and give the rest of you a chance

it's a special kind of relief

where discomfort and alleviation coexist

[mercurysmusing]

Wanting

I want to be wanted in the same manner that I want things

Not able to deny the craving

Not willing to dismiss the goods I've been saving

And not fond of leaving a good thing waiting

I love to be consumed and enjoyed, waited for and savored

But I am human, not dessert

I'm an experience, not a flavor

I'm not here solely to satisfy one later after they've had their fixing of what fills them

I ain't nothing but bones now with little flesh to offer

And I still want to be wanted, hunted like prey for what's left of me

Knowing I could ask for much more than someone else's desire

I could desire something for myself

Yet I'm wanting to be wanted

Like how I want my fix of sugar

Or my dose of poison

I'm wanting to be the cheapest form of desire

Like an addiction

And how pitiful when I could wish for so much more

But I think I've witnessed how much people love what they crave, what they fiend for

I've witnessed how they discard what they claim to care for

But we always cling to desires that bind and tether us

Desires that give less than they take

We're so reluctant to really choose

So we fall into longing

We submit to yearning

And we tell ourselves, "I want this. I want you."

[mercurysmusing]

popping and cracking

My joints crack to a particular rhythm now

Since I been doing the same ole thangs

It only took two times to recognize the rhythm that my body made with its pops and cracks

My back aches

My body shivers and shakes

If the temperature drops below eighty degrees

I wish I'd give my body just what it needs

My stomach is always twisted in knots

Unwilling to accept

Unable to release

The tension is contagious throughout my body

I'm unwilling to move

Refusing to hear those pops and cracks

Or the rattling of my chilled bones

Failing to resist the tension at my core

Growing tighter with every effort I make to be free of it

I am bound to the ground by my fatigue

My body feels heavy, but is hollow

My heart longing and at the same time, beating with fear

Waiting impatiently for the worst

Knowing how patiently it waits for me

It only took two times to recognize the warning drum my heart made

It never hesitated to alarm, but when it alarms, I hesitate

Too shy to meet the worst and fearing it just might like me

I must escape it

I tasted the poison, just a little, just to taste it

And dreamt of a thing that could quiet my joints' band and my heart's alarm,

That could undo the tension that extends from my gut

I dreamt of a thing that calmed my shivering bones, filled me with warmth, and made me move

No pops. No cracks.

[mercurysmusing]

rushing and crashing

My bones ache, my body demands more from me

I wish days like this didn't wear me down

And I could pull something from the nothing inside

But I'm better off resting, recovering the energy I never saw leave me

I'm better off writing, hoping the lines fall in order

Sometimes I spit it out how it comes

And hope it will change the taste in my foul mouth

Bitter from cussing and chewing it and swallowing it down

My mind expects more from me

I wish days like this didn't wear me out

I barely got answers to the quizzes in my head

But those question marks grow to an infinite amount

And they ain't always answered how I want them to be

They ain't always answered at all

You can tell I'm puzzled just from reading my brows

But I still try to walk like I know where I'm going

Pretend like I know what I'm so far from knowing

While I'm still developing, learning, and growing

I'm only beginning what I'm here to do

And my journey is new

Unlike my wounds which need so much from me

Cleaning and mending

And days like this wear me all the way out

Feeling frail and fatigued

The battle I fight tries to break so much of me

Defending my chances, my hopes, my pursuits

I wish days like this didn't tire me out

But I know that I'm moving in the right direction

Praying for connection, correction, and protection

And more of those days where I feel just like waves sound

Lively and active, refreshing, responsive

The rushing and crashing that calms one's heart

Days like that could fuel my will

And help me live

[mercurysmusing]

don't hold me

I'm fighting a feeling that tends to overtake me

Don't hold me

I'm heavy

There's steel weights inside me

They anchor me here

I wish I could go with you

Don't drag me

I'm heavy

I'm holding my burdens

I'm fighting to move

From this place I sank into

Don't save me

It's dangerous and you'd get stuck too

Loosen my hand

I wish I could go with you

Don't save me

It's dangerous and love is for fools

[mercurysmusing]

Conditioned

I miss when poison

Made me sick

‘Cause now I feel

Like it’s part of me

Like I have been changed

Since the moment I tasted it

And now I even crave it

To keep me whole

My body now thinks

That its suffering is a reward

A gift for my unease toward external circumstance

But I miss when my body

Was too pure for contamination

Before I became numb

To my slow deterioration

I miss feeling hurt

When I’m truly hurting

But I’ve become conditioned to harm

[mercurysmusing]

I want someone who makes me forget my armor and toss my shield aside

One who'd make me draw back my men and surrender

I still wanna believe in the love I've never seen

I'd like to leave my fort

Where I stand scared and defensive

Warlike and reclusive

Waiting for my paranoia to be validated by danger

I want someone to invade my space bringing the comfort I've never felt

Someone who can disarm me with no betrayal to follow

I want to be drowned in love

Devoured and swallowed

I want to be defeated

By a love that makes me forget to fight it

I'd like to know that I don't need my weapons nearby

And if love is my fortune, I don't need to hide it

I want to be safe even when I'm defenseless

With no strangers to call comrades while we wait for our doom

Once my fighting days reach their end,

I'd like to find light that helps me leave behind my gloom

Because I've been so tired