My name is Ashley and I am 26 years old; I live in Manitowoc, Wisconsin, USA. This is the story of how I became Muslim.
I was raised Lutheran; I come from a family that is Christian. Though I was never very religious, as I got older, I considered myself to be spiritual.
I will be honest with you here: For me, religion was full of dumb rituals and formality. Religion was for people who were asleep. Religion was just a whole bunch of indisputable rules that needed to be followed without question. Religion was not for me.
Spirituality, on the other hand, was for people like me. I wanted to reach spiritual ascent without dogmas. I wanted to reason with it all, question it all, decide my actions, and assume my consequences. With spirituality, I could transcend everything. Spirituality was about individuality. Spirituality was liberty in awareness.
At least, that is what I thought.
Growing up, I knew nothing of Islam. In fact, I never met a Muslim person until I went to college. I associated Islam with the Middle East and all I knew about the Middle East had to do more with politics than it did with Islam.
About 6 years ago, I met a young man from Saudi Arabia who was studying at my university via the Study Abroad program. Interestingly enough, he did not classify himself as Muslim; he was agnostic. However, through him I met many Muslim individuals from a variety of backgrounds and various countries. As I began learning about Saudi culture and Egyptian culture, I became more and more curious about Islam.
I am a compassionate person who is very accepting of other people, so I will admit that my interest in Islam first came about when people bashed the religion and expressed concern when discovering I was dating a Saudi man. My desire to shush the nay-sayers is actually what led me to begin studying the religion they thought was so violent and so backwards.
As I learned more and more, I began to question what the outside world said. To me, Islam was about love and peace. To me, the Qu'ran was one long letter from God to all human beings. I loved that people referred to themselves as “reverting” to Islam instead of “converting” because accepting Islam was an occasion of an individual returning back to his natural condition at birth. I thought Islam was quite beautiful, actually.
And it was that same year, 6 years ago, that I participated in my first Ramadan. I had not reverted to Islam, but my Muslim brothers and sisters welcomed me. I fasted with them and then joined them in breaking the fast. At this point, I was introduced to many Muslim customs and a variety of Middle Eastern foods. The foods were delicious! I loved the sense of community. And the food.
Did I mention I loved the food?
Because I was dating a Saudi man at the time, I reached out to a fellow American woman who fell in love with and married a Saudi man. Her name was Nicole Hunter-Mostafa. She was an academic, a mother, a writer, and a blogger from Koshkonong, Missouri. She had moved to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Her blog was called: the Same Rainbow’s End. Nicole and I corresponded via Facebook and email. She shed so much light on Islam, Saudi culture, and life in general. We continued correspondence for years.
Though I only dated a Saudi man for a little over one year, I still continued to love Islam, cherish Middle Eastern customs, revere various cultures, enjoy Middle Eastern foods, keep in touch with Nicole, and study the Arabic language. In fact, I went on to date an Iranian-American man and a Jordanian man for a short time. I learned even more about Islam and about Persian culture and the language of Farsi.
Still, I had not reverted to Islam. I finished my first Bachelor’s degree in Communication in 2014 and went on to get a second Bachelor’s degree in Social Work. While I was getting my second degree, I met a Muslim woman named Arooj getting her Master’s degree in Social Work. She was from Pakistan. We bonded on a Social Work study abroad program in Cuernavaca, Mexico. An American classmate of mine, Nikki (a lifelong Catholic), joined us. The three of us bonded and it seemed that we would be inseparable even upon returning to the USA.
Nikki enjoyed learning about Islam as much as I did. Arooj was a great friend, mentor, and teacher. Mostly, it was friendship that connected the three of us rather than religion. Over the course of the next two years, I faced many trials and tribulations that brought me further from religion. I loved Islam dearly, but I began to distance myself in the name of overall spirituality. As things became harder and harder, I abandoned spirituality altogether.
Don’t misunderstand me: I still defended religion for those who wanted to practice. I still defended Islam from nay-sayers. I still abhorred bigotry and discrimination in the name of religion. But, I distanced myself from Nicole, Arooj, Nikki, and many of my other religious friends. I pushed them away and faced my trials and tribulations on my own. The only person I needed to rely on was myself.
Eventually, I left University and started my own business as an entrepreneur. I moved from Green Bay, Wisconsin to Manitowoc, Wisconsin. I moved into a house with my American, Agnostic-Atheist boyfriend, Darrick. Together, we were happy. I mean, we were poor, I was on my own without my parents for the first time, I was trying to start a business, I was alone in a new town. These things were difficult. Religion was the last thing on my mind. I was consumed with negativity and self-doubt. My heart appeared to have closed and turned away from Islam permanently.
The very thing that opened my heart to Islam again, crushed it at the same time. My good friend Nicole, the author of the blog “the Same Rainbow’s End” and only 33 years old, passed away from cancer at 2pm on October 30th. The very moment I learned of her passing, I was too devastated for words. I broke down crying. I realized that never again would I hear her witty comments, her educational banter, see her social media updates, or read the stories of her life and family. To say I was heart-broken would be an understatement. I grieved for weeks.
Her passing caused me to reach out to Nikki, who I was estranged from. I expressed my sadness and regardless of the fact that we hadn’t spoken in months, Nikki consoled me and comforted me with words from the Qu'ran, which surprised me. I knew she had interest in Islam when we last spoke months ago, but to comfort me with words from Islamic scripture? I was very surprised. It was then that she told me that she had reverted to Islam this past September. I was so happy for her! And when I reached out to Arooj, she expressed love and acceptance for me once again. She went on to tell me that she would be leaving Wisconsin in a week. She was in the process of moving to Oregon; my heart fell, but I was grateful to be back in touch with her.
Slowly, I weaved myself back into the lives of Nikki and Arooj, as well as my other Muslim friends, near and far. They all forgave me for my isolation and my transgressions.
I was tired of the darkness and despair that surrounded me. My negativity and self-doubt had become a crippling hand around my neck.
On my own, in my own home, I knelt on my yoga mat, wept, and made dua.
After so long, I had almost forgotten how.
It wasn’t as difficult or as awkward as I imagined it would be.
In fact, it felt like I was coming home.
For non-Muslims, it is easy to think of dua as prayer, but it is so much more than prayer. It is the very essence of worship in Islam. It is calling out to Allah (God), almost like having an intimate conversation with Him. After all this time, I had almost forgotten how uplifting and liberating dua was.
The next day, Nikki asked me a very simple question, “How long have you been studying Islam?” Well, on and off for almost 6 years. She asked me if I loved Islam and I said yes. Then she responded, “I am surprised you haven’t taken your shahada.” As soon as she said that, I began to think long and hard before actually uttering: “I am Muslim.”
I surprised myself. Then, I smiled.
I realized that no truer words have ever been spoken.
No, I hadn’t taken my formal shahada. But in the last month, I felt more connected to Islam that I ever have in the past 6 years since I was first introduced to it.
Doubts suddenly invaded my mind like lightning: I began to fear what other people would say; I feared telling my family; I feared not being good enough.
But I took a deep breath and started to read the Qu'ran.
As quickly as those doubts came, they retreated even faster.
This is the exciting part!
Exactly a week ago, I made the decision to formally commit to Islam. Allah opened my heart and reached inside of me. He awakened my faith. I wanted to stand before Him, and humbly ask for His love and His grace forever, from here until Jannah (ever-after/Heaven).
Though Arooj was many miles away, we talked over Facebook Messenger. I confessed to Arooj that I have always used a yoga mat in place of a prayer rug; Allah knew my heart, he knew my intentions. However, I felt like I couldn’t seriously stand before Allah and take my formal shahada without a proper prayer rug. I could of course, but I didn’t want to. Not having much extra money, I inquired as to where I could get one at a low price. Arooj, seeing my willing heart, bestowed a gift unto me. A gift like no other: she supplied me with my very first prayer rug.
I began to cry. I was so grateful.
I picked out the prayer rug that I desired and Arooj is shipping it to my address. I should receive in by December 23rd. And before the year 2016 ends, I plan to take my formal shahada. I want to declare my faith before the New Year of 2017.
After 6 years, I cannot believe I am finally taking these much needed steps. I cannot believe that my good friends have stood beside me and loved me even when I did not love myself. And I cannot believe that my beloved friend Nicole has passed on from this Dunya (World) to Jannah (Afterlife/Heaven).
I reached out to Nicole’s husband on Facebook and told him that I would be taking my shahada soon; I told him how much Nicole meant to me and how I wished she was here to witness my transformation. He told me that the grief that has taken a hold of his heart since her passing has lifted. The news of my intentions brought him great joy. He assured me that as a brother in faith, he is there for me if I need anything. Again, this Ummah (Community) has embraced me. I feel so loved and accepted by all my Muslim brothers and sisters within the USA and all over the world.
So much has changed in these past 6 years. There have been so many ups and downs. My life hasn’t always been easy, but the difficulties I have endured have only deepened my faith and my love for my deen (Islam). Trials and tribulations have taught me what it means to submit to God’s will. Alhamdulillah for Islam. Alhamdulillah for my Ummah. Alhamdulillah for everything!
Thank you for reading my very first post on Tumblr. Here is my second post.
https://aftermyshahada.tumblr.com/post/154641029436/my-vegan-journey