More Organized Chaos

Sometimes I draw. A lot of the time I observe.

[oshibui]

[parallelpractice]

[aqua-regia009]

Adam Burke

[loish]

Playing around with a colorful but earthy sci fi vibe! 

[aqua-regia009]

Night Hunt by John Brosio

[mermagoat]

Being the unsuccessful one in the family and solidifying that with getting tattoos and dying my hair.

Accepting I can’t do things and I want to not even be around again. Unless I take a shit customer service job no one even wants to give me a chance.

Dropped my therapist today and that might be the worst thing I could have done but I can’t afford it.

[mermagoat]

This weekend got dark.

I ended up falling back into old destructive habits.

Nearly put my relationship in jeopardy.

Been trying to deal with this for 7 years on my own and it clearly is not working. I hoped that just giving it time and finding someone who actually genuinely cares about me would heal a lot of it, but (un)surprisingly, three and a half years of trauma takes a toll.

Took my boyfriend's advice and looked up a therapist who can hopefully help me with this.

[mermagoat]

Read a Twitter thread about working from home and why employers don’t like it and I’m pissed off about how I lost my job all over again.

Doesn’t help that no one has gotten back with me about anything I applied for yet either.

Guess I gotta push harder with freelance gigs.

[mermagoat]

Guess who got fired 😊

[mermagoat]

The only good thing to come out of me going back to the office full time is that I won’t be surrounded by food and will be too stressed out to eat after work.

[celestiahly]

i love how the sunlight hits bed sheets. also hotel beds are always so soft

[alltheworld-willbeyours]

Do you ever notice yourself getting bad again…like, you know you’re not doing work that needs to be done, you know you’re not cleaning, you know you’re not taking care of yourself…you know all the things you need to do to start trying to feel better. But you just can’t. And you’re left feeling like shit bc you thought you were getting better but here we are

[pi-slices]

Laser Lines - 220211

[mermagoat]

using tumblr as my diary again (until I forget).

I might say that I'm over my " I drink just to get drunk" phase

but here I am.

and I'm wishing I had more wine.

[mermagoat]

Bic Pen Blue has returned.

Not having it made me realize how much I like it.

[mermagoat]

Not sure what it is, but I have a bad feeling about this meeting tomorrow.

I'm anxious as fuck, stressed out, tired, but the perfectionist in me is staying up until god knows what fucking hour to get these projects to where I need them to be.

Anxiety both motivates me and stresses me out to the point where I can't be productive at all.

I can't explain how I work to other people though.

And no matter how many times I try and ask for hard deadlines for projects, it always ends with her telling me "whenever it's ready, but call if you have questions."

I guess if it comes down to it, I'll pester for a deadline until I get something.

I can't hold myself accountable for motivation anymore. I stuck with running two times a week for two weeks and now I'm down to so far nothing for two weeks straight...

At least tomorrow gives me a reason to legitimately shower. If I fuck it up in the meeting I'll turn in my stuff feeling not like complete shit.

[mermagoat]

I was weirdly optimistic and happy for a good four hours after my meeting today.

Maybe it’s because I saw people from work.

Whatever it was, I’m back to normal now. It was fun while it lasted.