Laying In bed the night before flying back to New York from home is always a gut turning feeling.
I’m 28 now. I have everything I dreamed of 10 years ago, and I’m up and down with my feelings about it. I mainly miss my mom, and leaving her here is hard. I randomly thought getting on tumblr after being inactive for like 10 years could help me process my many feelings and thoughts. Who knows if I’ll keep up with this, but could be somewhat therapeutic to me. If you’re still active on here and you read it, fine- if not, I like the idea that I’m writing some of my feelings to ghosts.
Needed a mental health trip back home, very impromptu this last time. Didn’t tell anyone other than family and my best friend. It has been nice. I’ve slept well on this trip almost in an indescribable way… like deep deep sleep that you feel in your bones, where they’re almost heavy when you wake up because they’ve fully sunken into the bed. I don’t sleep like that in New York.
My mom is on the other side of the wall, and I know she is sad. But I’m proud of her for not crying much today, only when she said goodnight to me before I came into my room for bed. I hate seeing her that way because it breaks my heart. I’m on this side of the wall crying too, crying as I write this. I go back to New York with a body full of guilt, but I try very hard not to focus on it. I have a loving man back in new york who i am thankful for and who is very understanding with these feelings. it is hard because while i am sad ro leave home, i am excited to go back and be with him. He never makes me feel bad for being more sad to leave though… I really appreciate that about him.
I feel peace at home, which is something my body needs and craves. My mom is a safe haven.
I feel occupied by New York, and all of its shiny toys. Keep going, keep climbing even though it hurts.
What to do? Goodnight.
