Metallum Silliness

Longtime metal nerd takes potshots at ridiculous Metal Archives pages. All in good fun.

[metallum-silliness]

Hey guys! I promised there’d be more sooner, and I’m a sniper of my word.

I was looking up Pacific Northwest black metal band Uada (who are rad) and saw that the one guy was in this band MotörThrone (https://www.metal-archives.com/bands/Mot%C3%B6rThrone/128277) and i was like “That’s a silly name for a band.” And then you look at their lyrical themes, and it’s just fucking Pabst Blue Ribbon. I had to hear these goofs. Only they’re gone. There’s no trace of them on the internet. My heart is broken. I promised I’d listen to every band I made fun of. So right now I’m in the middle of a little experiment: I turned on Motorhead’s Ace of Spades and Darkthrone’s Transylvanian Hunger at the same time. They’re both playing out of my speakers at once, which is, I assume, what MotörThrone sounds like. I know I broke a promise to you, but this was a failure of my system! It’s weird, though:for the last couple minutes MotörThrone has just sounded like Darkthrone. Wonder why.

So anyway, these guys appear to include an empty PBR box as a live band member. I’m guessing he’s their live vocalist. I’m also stoked on the drummer’s giant chains hanging from his kit. In case it tries to escape, I guess? I was in a couple punk bands with kits so crappy they’d come apart if you used the kick too hard. Maybe that’s what this is. Also of note: The bassist’s BC Rich Warlock, one of the most metal of all guitars. Your bass tone was totally crippling and extreme on Transylvanian Ace of Hunger, bro. Great job. Just the kind of precision playing I’d expect from a band that is super into a budget beer.

I dunno, this whole thing has turned out to be super confusing. I want a beer. As usual, all in good fun, I’ll see you next time. Keep your Myspaces online, kids.

[metallum-silliness]

Hey kids, sorry it’s been so long since I wrote one of these! I got sidetracked with some other writing, and also the general malaise of life! Speaking of general malaise, a Gothic Metal band! Crematory!  There are like five bands called Crematory, this is the one from Mannheim, Germany. (https://www.metal-archives.com/bands/Crematory/563) Oh boy, look at these dudes (and dudette)!  So I’m presently listening to a randomly selected, high rated album of theirs, 2000s Believe. Fairly standard industrial/goth metal. Some neat keyboard lines and stuff that sounds kinda like Laibach, mixed with some fairly commercial melodic death metal. Nothing to write home about, but not awful either.

But what’s their deal, man? One thing I often notice about silly metal bands is that they look like the cast of imaginary reality shows. Crematory look like custom car types! Look at their matching jumpsuits! Front-and-center guy is the boss on this show about tricking out your sick custom! His chops say leadership, his tribal tattoos say “Look out, world: There’s always someone sillier looking than Kerry King!”

After Muttonchop, we’ll start from the left and work our way across. The long-hair is the plucky newcomer whose ideas just don’t get listened to. Eventually he’ll get fed up and leave the show, only to be replaced by someone wearing a bandana. The old guy next to him is the imparter of hard-won wisdom not only on the customization of vintage automobiles, but also of life as a whole. Dude knows what’s up. Next to him is that giant bald guy with no fingernails from The Hills Have Eyes. Since his Achilles tendon healed, he’s been following his true passion: Hammering out dings. Next to him is Sweet Dee from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. What the fuck is she doing here? That doesn’t make sense? And finally on the far right is a pirate re-enactor who snuck into the photograph while nobody was looking. Get out of there Bloody Bertram, you scalawag!

Hey, so thanks to my old friend Marshall for suggesting this fine batch of misfits to me. He’s more metal than anyone you know, even if you somehow know Glen Benton or something. There’ll be more of these sooner rather than later. As always, all in good fun! Thanks for reading!

[metallum-silliness]

Today kids, we’re gonna talk about Abazagorath! https://www.metal-archives.com/bands/Abazagorath/1290 OK, so right off the bat, this band’s name is right at the beginning of the alphabet and features plenty of the available letters, literally both A and Z. They’re obviously a black metal band. I’m actually hearing them for the first time and they’re pretty good, nice production, audible bass, some Immortal-sounding riffs. But oh my god this photo. Where do we start?? So first of all, I like how they included their stage banner in the shot. Was this taken before a show? Or in their practice space? For another thing, I like that the creeping, encroaching darkness at the top of the photo is totally NOT ‘shopped in, it’s completely convincing you guys. But my favourite part of this is the picture of the band themselves. You know what it is? The way they’re standing looks like the cast of Pawn Stars at the beginning of the show. I gotta leave some room for them! Are these guys gonna sell me some used war-axes and spiked gauntlets? Or maybe an early vinyl pressing of In The Nightside Eclipse? Ooh! Nice. Black Metal is my business, and business is good. For those of you who feel that I’m not putting myself on the line, making fun of how these guys look in this photo, let’s be honest, I really am: They’re from New Brunswick, New Jersey. I’m from Pennsylvania. About 30 miles from the border, too. These dudes could easily come and find me and kick the shit out of me! See? I take risks!

[metallum-silliness]

Today kids, we’re gonna talk about Abazagorath! https://www.metal-archives.com/bands/Abazagorath/1290 OK, so right off the bat, this band’s name is right at the beginning of the alphabet and features plenty of the available letters, literally both A and Z. They’re obviously a black metal band. I’m actually hearing them for the first time and they’re pretty good, nice production, audible bass, some Immortal-sounding riffs. But oh my god this photo. Where do we start?? So first of all, I like how they included their stage banner in the shot. Was this taken before a show? Or in their practice space? For another thing, I like that the creeping, encroaching darkness at the top of the photo is totally NOT ‘shopped in, it’s completely convincing you guys. But my favourite part of this is the picture of the band themselves. You know what it is? The way they’re standing looks like the cast of Pawn Stars at the beginning of the show. I gotta leave some room for them! Are these guys gonna sell me some used war-axes and spiked gauntlets? Or maybe an early vinyl pressing of In The Nightside Eclipse? Ooh! Nice. Black Metal is my business, and business is good. For those of you who feel that I’m not putting myself on the line, making fun of how these guys look in this photo, let’s be honest, I really am: They’re from New Brunswick, New Jersey. I’m from Pennsylvania. About 30 miles from the border, too. These dudes could easily come and find me and kick the shit out of me! See? I take risks!

[metallum-silliness]

What This Is

So yesterday I found a really funny band photo on Encyclopaedia Metallum ( www.metal-archives.com ) while I was looking for another band of the same name. I posted it on my Facebook with a little colour commentary about these band members and how they all looked like they belonged in different bands. I got to thinking, as someone who spends a significant amount of time on Metallum, it might be fun to just rib on some of my favourite genre’s eccentricities. 

I’m Nick Taxidermy. I’ve been listening to metal for going on twenty years now. I used to host a metal radio show in college. I was once thrown out of a shitty melodic death metal band for wanting to write songs about Satan. That’s it. Those are my credentials. I listen to the weirder sides of black, doom, death, grind, thrash, and more recently some more progressive and traditional heavy metal, as well. But this particular blog will focus on literally any Metallum profile I find.

I guess I should also say that this is all in good fun. I love metal, and while I’m sure there will be some posts for bands I genuinely dislike, you’re gonna get just as many that are for bands that I either A: DO like, possibly a lot, B: Don’t have a real opinion on their music, or C: Am at least okay with. I’m just trying to do something fun here with a website and genre I spend WAY too much of my valuable (Ha!) time on.

My first real post goes up later today. I hope you enjoy it. And if you find a funny band page yourselves, I’d like to see it! Send me an ASK with the band name and where they’re from and I’ll find them and maybe we can yuk it up at their expense.