she liked to tell herself she didn’t spend an awful amount of time watching him, but the truth was she did. there were the moments he never noticed—moments when his eyes remained focused on the road when she was study the outline of his jaw, and how it tightened when she decided to tease him with the soft patter of her fingertips against his jeans; or when he didn’t quite agree with something, the way his knuckles turned white with disagreement though he’d never express it through his words. everything about simon was non-verbal. which was why she watched him, learned him in a way she never bothered to with anyone else. she told herself it was merely because she wanted to be sophisticated just like him—grown up. but it always more than that. even now as she caught the glint in his gaze, the tenderness betraying whatever lightly humored words that fell from his lips. would she hate that? the idea of falling in love with him. would she hate that? allowing herself to openly yearn for his attention in a way that was more than just physical. would she hate that? the two-lettered reply already in her mind before he spoke again.
hayoung faltered, fear rearing its head out to warn her of all the things she had been warned of from her friends, and even from her unknowing family. because she’d never had her heart broken before, never felt this kind of vulnerability creep into her the way it was now. if she allowed that door to open wide, they’d both cross into unfamiliar territory. or maybe it was only unfamiliar to her. “have you ever fallen in love, simon?” she murmured, eyes searching through the depth of his hues as her fingertips froze in their place along his lips.
his inhale was quick and deep; a rush that betrayed exactly how off guard the question caught him. because the answer was convoluted. long-winded in a way that he didn’t think the woman before him would like, and what if THAT was enough to topple the fragile balance their current, quiet MAYBE rested on. “ once. ” he hummed softly. simon could boil hayoung’s own hesitance down to two things: reputation and experience. or maybe lack thereof. but he couldn’t do the same for himself -- not when his history wound only tales of deceit and abandonment. things he wasn’t going to be proud to claim. still, honesty seemed important in the moment. like it would be far better to lose her now -- while both of them remained guarded -- than it would to take a chance on acceptance once they’d swallowed the risk. made a home in the skin of it. “ maybe twice. ”
carefully, he pried a distance between them. not one far enough for note, but enough that he switched from holding HER to holding her hand; larger fingers laced with hers and rubbing at the soft skin anxiously. “ i used to know this woman -- i thought we’d be forever. and then one day she stopped coming around. so i suppose she never thought the same. ” she’d half lived in his bed. they’d shared rooms more often than not -- shared a dog, shared lives, shared paychecks for pushing a year before she’d dropped off the face of the earth. and somehow the ghost of that woman was still easier to bear than the weight of the man he’d betrayed. “ and my best friend. i was in love with him for a while. but that one ended badly and now -- now i just hope he’s happy somewhere else. with someone else. seems right that he should be. ”
momentarily, he wondered how much hayoung really understood of his job. if that would factor into their careful love affair should one bloom. if she understood that he could never be just hers alone -- not with hospital bills resting on the rich men and women he let show him off. “ it wasn’t like with you, though. ” the words were tender; spoken to her but not in her direction. the rejection would send him crumbling if he could SEE it in her eyes. “ THIS isn’t like any of that. sometimes i think it’s better. ”