life etc. @mgmgi - Tumblr Blog

This is the first time I got something for Valentine’s day. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much, bb.

What Do I Deserve?

I’ve been asking the same question to myself the past few weeks: “What do I deserve?”

I know what makes me happy at the moment isn’t necessarily what I need or what I deserve. People always tell me I deserve good things in this life. But how would I really know?

To be honest, I always ask myself how I want to be treated by someone I consider special in my life. As I think it through, what I want is just simple: I want to feel secure, I want to feel like you care, and I want reassurance from time to time. I want to feel like I’m wanted. I know this is not really simple or easy for some, but I think it isn’t impossible.

I’ve been told by a lot of people before that I am too much this, too much that. It sucks feeling like you’re “too much” when in fact what you’re asking for is something you can easily give to people you care about.

Then I come back to the same question: “What do I deserve?”

I believe I deserve someone who wouldn’t call me “too much.” I deserve someone who will accept me just the way I am and will actually like me for being so. I don’t deserve being called clingy just because I want to talk everyday or meet everyday, if possible. I perfectly understand that this can’t always be possible since we have our own lives, but I shouldn’t be called “too much” just because I want these things. With proper communication, I can accept and understand wholeheartedly if you can’t talk or meet, but I think it is unfair to put the blame on me every time I feel sad about cancelled plans or every time my expectations go up. I don’t deserve being called “too much” for pouring out my heart and soul for someone I love.

I know I shouldn’t change who I am just to conform to someone’s standards. Well, I know change is necessary especially if it’s for the better but what if you are asked to change because someone thinks you’re too much? I think I deserve to be treated better than this. A simple good morning or good night or I miss you or I love you will actually suffice. We wouldn’t have to talk all day. I’m not even asking for that. Yet, I’m still too much?

It’s weird that I know what i actually want and deserve but I’m not doing anything about it. Maybe I should stop asking the question to myself and start working on what I think is meant for me.

#notsorandomthoughts

Never Enough

Aren’t relationships supposed to make you feel good about yourself? Feel complete, feel enough?

But why do I feel like I am not? There’s always this feeling that he is better than me, that he isn’t right for me, that he deserves better?

I always feel like I have something to prove. I always feel like I always have to be pretty, interesting, smart, kind, talented, and fun to believe that I deserve to be called his partner?

Isn’t it supposed to be a relationship where I feel most comfortable around him? Like I don’t have anything to prove because I know within me that he accepts and loves me no matter what I am?

But why does it always feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

Maybe the problem’s on me. Maybe it’s my self-esteem, my self-perception, and my self-worth. Maybe I should work on this myself. After all, we should stop looking for validation somewhere else because we might not be aware of it but it’s just really within us.

#hanash feelings

I would trade anything just to have another day with you. I miss you. A lot.

How does it feel like to be loved? To receive more than what you give?

So tired of being an inconvenience to people. I’m so sorry.

So confused with my current state in life. Irdk, I can’t feel anything at all.

Thank you for making me smile, amazing creature. :)

Unusual

I’ve known him for almost three years. This is quite unusual. We just became good friends recently, and I must say that he has almost the same actions and characteristics as Jeno. Except the fact that he is more conservative, more confident, and more understanding. I enjoy being with him and I really admire how smart and creative he is.

I can’t understand this feeling. I’ve known for so long that he really isn’t into girls. But here I am again, feeling attached to someone out of my league. Am I that vulnerable to get so attached easily? I don’t know, I don’t know.

Let’s just enjoy what’s happening and see where this goes. Good night.