It’s all Tsukiko could do but helplessly shrug, finding it difficult to deny the truth as she was only helping him hash out speculations of “what could be” and the “what if’s” of what any sort of political agenda would want. After all, the Shinsengumi is, UNFORTUNATELY, just that—a militarized political piece on the metaphorical game board of who would win in this game of “power” in the changing times of Japan meeting with the growing influence of the West. Manipulation of the media, of the people’s hearts sway with the tide of what their fickle beliefs are at the time they receive the news. It leaves her in the middle, where she hears both sides and it’s left her with a curious and broadened understanding of the stakes, though questionable they may be.
And the Shinsengumi are hated for their belief in what they think is true, then they are DAMNED.
There’s not much else to say to his words, knowing full well that he’s merely venting at this point. But, Tsukiko turns her head to watch as Toshizou makes his way over to the veranda, the words lingering that rings again his long hardened RESOLVE and promise. To protect and serve is their mantra and somehow, as her starry gaze lifts to his back, she has a FEELING that it will be all he does until he takes his last breath. Always going forward and never quite looking back at those who would follow him. He will, but it’s not in the way that she wants. Her fingers would only graze his back, GHOSTING over the surface before he takes a few more steps ahead of her that he becomes out of reach.
And it’s when he does that, she will be left behind. The thought is enough to cause a dull, throbbing ACHE in her chest, and she looks away. Because somehow, she knows that he will not look back and he would NEVER look back for her. No matter how splendid or faithful it may be that she wants to follow him for his dreams, Tsukiko has her own dreams and her own goals that, much like him, she will not sacrifice anything for.
Suddenly, she’s grateful that he’s turned to face the veranda for a bit of air, even if it’s happenstance rather than his choice to do so. It’s too late now, she thinks, for her and for whatever this emotion is. She briefly closes her eyes when he speaks again, willing away the moment of WEAKNESS. Tsukiko knows better; it is something that will never come to pass and has long since accepted it. However, she often forgets how often and how quick her heart yearns for it.
❝I would like to find a time where money did not speak of what influence it has for a voice,❞ she says, taking a deep breath as she returns to her task. Her hands are kept busy now, tying the bag neatly and setting it into the bowl filled with her surgical utensils. ❝Powered by that wealth, their ego is continuously fed by that very thing they desire that the cycle only continues until they are left eating themselves, all consumed in their desire of their own personal interest that they forget. They forget until your strength and success comes and it only repeats itself.❞ And that wealth is what has divided their country. Decades and decades of peace shattered at the prospect of wealth and a power that taunts those who do not know. Tsukiko only idly wonders how that self-interest in the name of Japan will fare at the end of all of this.
The room now cleaned and all of her tools put away into the bowl in her hands, she leans it against her hip, debating on setting it aside to listen to Toshi’s frustrations or to continue and find the next person who’s in need of treatment. In the end, she decides to focus on cleaning her surgical equipment and stowing them back in the slotted bag that she will end up reusing for her next patient.
So when he says his initial no, she pauses, lifting her gaze from her work to meet his gaze, his hand REFLEXIVELY poised and gripping his sword.
Well, that would be a problem, wouldn’t it?
She stands upright, using the back of her hand to brush aside some of her hair that has fallen in front of her face. ❝Yes, and wouldn’t that mean we are back to where we’ve started, in some ways more than one?❞ Tsukiko says with a bitter smile. ❝Powered by their own self-interest and the never-ending desire for more wealth, on top of that.❞ She gives a resigned shake of her head, realizing that this conversation comes down once more to the political agenda between the bakufu and the imperial court. What do they each want? The desire to welcome the west while to remain the same and unyielding to the foreigners. And there’s always pros and cons to each side, if there’s anything that she’s learned from her education.
❝Have you told Kondou-san about this? I’m sure there’s something he could do if you find out what’s going on with the higher-ups now and what their plans are.❞ Especially since it would fall in line into making him a daimyō. Well, furthering the proper agendas and all.
❝I don’t think either of us would ever truly understand what goes through their minds.❞ She turns her gaze away from him, focusing on cleaning her tools. There’s only a small few now since Toshizou, thankfully, only needed stitches. Finished quickly, she stores them into her pouch. ❝It seems you have no choice but to wait it out and bear with the frustration until new orders are given.❞ A seemingly bitter pill to swallow, it seems.
With that, she needs to do her rounds and give Toshizou his medication before she can let him go. Frustration aside, Tsukiko points to a chair in the room.
❝In the meantime, sit,❞ she orders. ❝I have some herbal tea I want to give you before you go since I’ve finished treating you.❞ Because how else is she going to get him to relax for five minutes than for forced social obligations at the clinic? ❝I’ll be right back and gods forgive me if I don’t find you because I’ll rip you a new one.❞ She gives him a pointed glare.
you don’t think about how much of a shit show this side of the grass really is until after you made it there, mud crusting beneath the soles of your sandals because those samurai born like keeping the drier, greener earth to themselves. history continues to repeat itself ever so fervently; always twisting, forming newer layers of flesh and muscle and take on myriads of names one right after the other. peace is temporary, the breakage of it is inevitable as long as they maintain free will and minds of their own. but they were going to make it. one way or another, toshizō would be sure of it.
they were going to make history. leave their mark on this era. leave proof of their life behind. the future generations will sing songs of their glory; actors on stage re-enacting their triumphant memoirs. the road to that will be perilous, many lives will be lost and many will try and try again to hold them down. lapdogs of the shogun —— though degrading insults tend to fall on deaf ears, toshizō knows. he wills it that they are more, so much more, wolves tamed by no one but themselves and their codes of honor, their sincerities. the shogun cannot ever change that. he rather protect what is right in front of him than some unreachable lord in the clouds.
“ you can’t have one without trading in another. ” toshizō exhales, half groaning under his breath. a sweet breeze blows, whisking fallen petals into the wind’s cradle. the very wind that forebodes war and blood, the wind they will ride into a new future, however that may look. however many may be left. “ we scorn the west and wish to expel it, but we can’t do that without embracing their own inventions and ideologies. ” he gives her a dry smile, swallowing down his laughter towards the irony. it trickles in between his words as airy mirth. “ rather than leeching us, we leech off of them. you heard word of illegal weaponry smugglers, eh? ”
he is deliberately careful with what he tells her. hand softening its grip around his sword, being more gentle and kind, like he was caressing something he may eventually part ways with. “ the weapons they got their hands on are supposedly more advanced ones from the west. the very men who viciously rally behind the sonnōn jōi philosophy and to expel the foreigners are partaking in those very western technologies. ” by his voice alone, it was clear he could not blame them. the shinsengumi have long ago incorporated artillery and firearms into their training regimen. this was an arm’s race of sorts, but the shinsengumi weren’t swimming in cash.
“ kondou is more than aware of how they’re like. ” toshizō says airily, glancing to her and then proceeding to shuffle to the mat where she told him to sit. “ he had a taste of that first hand when he went to the choshu domain as an envoy with itou; problem is kondou is loyal to a fault. ” a dry smirk curls slightly at that whilst his brows knitted tiredly. he couldn’t hold kondou harshly. he knows where that loyalty comes ---- not for the bakufu but to his word as a samurai. once the word is given, he’d choose to see it through regardless of how he may feel. that is their sincerity.
he brings his hand to the nape of his neck, rubbing it as he sucks in through his clenched teeth, craning head back as he cooed lazily at her warning, “ aww, there’s no getting under your nose, eh? i’ll sit still. ” hand drops to its thigh, he sits in seiza watching her with an innocent smile. as innocent it could get for the demon vice commander.